Dave Chappelle: The Unstoppable (2025)

[bunniefuu]

This is protected by the red,

the black, and the green

at the crossroad with a key.

Roar the lions

I was a soft kid.

I was sensitive, I'd cry easy,

and I would be scared to fist-fight.

And my mother used to tell me this thing,

I don't know if you remember,

but you said this to me more than once.

You said, "Son,

sometimes you have to be a lion

so you can be the lamb you really are."

I talk this sh*t like a lion.

Come king, try and bask

Claw slash, lion sword

Bring w*r to your front door

Till we no see you no more

k*ll or be k*lled is a skill

What we learn and master

Annihilate and decimate

Like a natural disaster

No doubt we've calmed the beast

I warned you about

Bloody rain and thunder

Roar if we catching a drought

Mapogo lions on the concrete plain

n*gg*s running from our shadows

'Cause we all spit flames

Lion heart we share upon

Why Babylon can't breathe

Why we a village

They village with every step we take

Mapogo looks so deceptive

But my cause is perfected

A smile in your face

Then turn round and dissect it

From the fear and disrespect

The smoke hit different

When your screen is cigarettes

Big Ben, Queen Elizabeth

Get your rep up

I stepped up for the ones you ate

For then multiplied in snake form

Wait for 'em

We in hell boy, breathe 'em

Treason I believe in

How the jungle work

In order for you to live

You need young to murk

Tear through the ACL

The kidneys, organs, they all choose

You can keep the ruby chains

I don't like y'all jewels

Wrapped around my neck

Squeezed tight, I bleed life

Scream light in this b*tch

I've seen lightning get thick

Brain storm, it got heavy

My vision never cloudy

The form stay right, n*gga howdy...

Yo, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Please, everyone, have a seat.

Be comfortable.

We got a lot to talk about.

Now, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you

how this show came to be.

You guys know I live in Ohio.

In January,

when this n*gga, Trump and Elon...

made this DOGE thing,

and cut all those government jobs,

the housing market

in my hometown plunged 20%

in the first quarter.

And I don't mean to talk like a white...

but, boy, they did that, didn't they?

And then when this n*gga deployed

the National Guard in my hometown

and took the police department

from the mayor,

oh, D.C. n*gg*s, we don't like that.

But then my governor in Ohio

sent our National Guard

to police my hometown.

And I called these n*gg*s and said,

"I'm pulling up."

Because these n*gg*s is trying to take

the chocolate out of Chocolate City.

I said, "I gotta go home

while it's still the city I remember."

And then I went on Instagram

and saw all the protests in D.C.

There was a bunch of white people like,

"Not on our streets!"

I said, "Oh, no, it's too late."

These whites are entrenched.

"Not on our g*dd*mn streets, you don't."

This n*gga Trump was talking

like he goes out to dinner.

It's not like that.

Yeah, and I gotta tell you the truth.

This is not the only city

this is happening in.

It's happening in California,

it's happening in Oregon,

it's happening in Illinois,

and it's happening in Memphis.

And... and n*gg*s in Memphis,

they might need it.

You got to be reasonable. I don't know

if you've been in Memphis recently,

but them n*gg*s already stole two tanks

from the National Guard,

so you already know.

You already know, you know.

And I came here mad, ready to fight,

but when I drove through the city,

it looked clean, guys. I got to tell you.

I got to tell you, it looked clean.

A lot better

than the last time I was here.

Today I only saw one guy

take a sh*t on the street.

But you know what? He had a bag.

That n*gga picked it up.

I was waiting for somebody to do something

about the homeless.

You know what's f*cked up about D.C.?

We the nation's capital and nobody even

gives a f*ck about the homeless.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I feel like I'm the only one that does.

Now, y'all don't know this,

but quietly for the last two years,

I have been secretly working

with Washington's homeless,

and I have spent two million dollars

already on my homeless project.

No, no, no, don't clap for me.

I didn't give 'em food

or anything like that.

I just taught these n*gg*s

the "Thriller" dance.

And you got a big treat coming up

on Halloween, you'll see.

And I'm sorry I didn't come home sooner,

but I've been very busy in Ohio.

And a lot of people say,

"What are you doing out there?"

And I don't know if you know this,

but this is true.

I'll tell you what I've been doing.

The town that I've been living in

for the last 25 years,

I bought most of it.

I like it there.

Ohio loves Trump,

but this town I live in is like

a little itty-bitty Bernie Sanders Island

in the Trump Sea.

All the whites are poor out there,

but these are like

the dirty hippie whites, and I like them.

I like these whites.

And they like me too.

But you know what I learned

about liberal white people?

Liberal white people let Black people

do whatever f*ck they want

until you buy most of their town.

Oh, they frowned on that.

Them whites got real suspicious,

but you know what?

I don't blame them.

Because... No, for real,

because look, if I was white

and the people in this town were Black,

you know what they'd say?

They would say I was gentrifying the town.

But there's no word

for what I'm doing to these people.

I own everything, n*gga, everything.

I used to be mad

at white people when I was young

because I thought they were unfair.

But now that I have all this property,

I understand them. It's fun.

Feels good to walk up to white people

like, "Are you supposed to be here?"

"Calling the police." It's fun.

I own so much property in this town,

and this is true,

these white people think

I'm responsible for their well-being.

That's ridiculous.

n*gga, I'm not no public servant.

I'm a capitalist.

I be walking down the street

minding my own business,

and they come up to me

with their concerns. "Dave!"

"Congratulations on buying

the whole g*dd*mn town."

"But you need to start thinking about

some affordable housing around here."

And I'll be like, "Well, actually,

champ, I can afford my house."

"That sounds like some sh*t you need

to worry about."

"Because if I think about it,

I can afford your house too."

"So if you want to sell,

come holler at your boy."

"I'm collecting the whole town."

"I'm collecting the whole g*dd*mn town."

You know, I don't know where

these poor whites got the money.

But not long ago,

these m*therf*ckers built

a brand-new fire station out of the blue.

Where the f*ck they get this money from?

I was like, "What the f*ck is this?"

And then you know what they did?

They... This is some real r*cist sh*t.

They tried to sell the old fire station

at an auction when they knew

I was gonna be out of town.

It's f*cked up.

But it's far too late for that.

I got that whole town

rigged with snitches.

Them n*gg*s couldn't wait to tell me.

They was running up.

"My lord, my lord, I have news, my lord!"

I was like, "What's going on?"

"What is this you say? A firehouse?"

n*gga, I bought the firehouse.

I turned that m*therf*cker

into a comedy and music club.

We be rocking in there. Clipse been there.

We all be out there rocking.

Every famous person I've ever met,

I asked them to play that club.

I seen Mick Jagger

from the Rolling Stones at a party.

I sat down and said, "Yo, Mick."

I said, "Mick, you gotta come

to Ohio and play in my club."

And he was into it.

He was like, "All right."

He said, "All right,

I like playing clubs."

He said, "But tell me about the town."

I said, "Well, what do you want to know?"

And that n*gga looked at me like... like,

you know, the Mick Jagger look.

He said...

"Are there girls there?"

I... I lied right in his face.

I was like, "Yeah."

He knew something was wrong. He's like...

"No, no, no."

"Come on, Dave. You know,

like the kind of girls that I like."

I said, "Mick,

I... I don't know... I don't...

I don't know what kind of girls you like."

Then he said...

"You know."

"You've heard my music."

"Are there white b*tches with dirty feet?"

I said, "Mick,

you are going to love this place."

"Mick, these b*tches will put

a ring around a public pool."

Dirty hippie p*ssy,

that's what I'm dealing with.

I'm not a drug guy at all, right?

But... But I am in show business,

you know what I mean?

So, I've been to every kind of party.

Now... Now, I'm gonna be honest with you,

I smoke weed,

but I don't consider weed a drug.

But you know how show business is.

I've been to cocaine parties,

I've been to weed parties,

I've been to all the parties,

and I'm just telling you the truth

of what I've seen.

Coke b*tches are way prettier

than weed b*tches are.

I be looking at weed b*tches like,

"Damn, b*tch,

did you sleep in those clothes?"

"The f*ck's going on with you?"

No energy in the face.

They don't wear their bra all the time

so their t*tties be sagging.

"Get your d*ck out of my face, man."

That's how a weed girl sounds.

"I'm not gonna suck your c*ck, man."

"My mouth is dry as a bone."

You ever get some weed head?

Feels gross, doesn't it?

Feels like a cat sucking your d*ck.

Like, what kind of...

How do you not have any moisture

in your mouth?

b*tch, go wet your whistle

and try again, would you?

Go drink some water.

Yuck.

Yuck.

Recently in the news...

I've been getting a lot of grief, again...

because I did a comedy festival

in Saudi Arabia.

And you hear those cheers,

that's Black people.

America's whites, they're furious.

Boy, I gotta tell you something,

I've never not felt guilty

about something.

Like, I've never felt... I don't feel...

I don't feel... I don't feel guilty at all.

You know, and... and Bill Maher,

the famous comedian,

I've known Bill

since I was, like, 18, 19 years old,

and I've never said this publicly,

but f*ck that guy.

I'm so f*cking tired of his little smug,

cr*cker-a*s commentary.

These m*therf*ckers act like because I did

a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia,

I somehow betrayed my principles.

- You didn't!

- Well... No, no, I know I didn't, I know.

No, no, no.

No, let me...

Come on, everybody, let me do this.

And I'm sure... No.

All right, now everybody calm down.

No, I'm sure I'm right.

First of all, what... what did they say?

They said... They said, "Well..."

They said, "Well..."

They said, "Well, Saudi Arabia

k*lled a journalist."

And rest in peace, Jamal Khashoggi.

I'm sorry that he got m*rder*d

in such a heinous fashion.

But...

And no "buts," like, you know, period.

And also...

I mean, look, bro,

Israel's k*lled 240 journalists...

in the last three months.

So, I didn't know

y'all was still counting.

These n*gg*s clowned me

because I was on stage in Saudi Arabia.

I didn't tell them to put this

in the paper. I just said it on stage.

I said, "It's easier to talk

in Saudi Arabia for me

than it... than it is in America."

And... And n*gg*s felt some kind of way.

Oh, I stand ten toes on that.

Don't forget what I just went through.

Two years ago, I almost got canceled

right here in the United States

for transgender jokes.

But I gotta tell you something.

Transgender jokes went over very well

in Saudi Arabia.

Them n*gg*s couldn't get enough

of that sh*t.

I was in the pocket, n*gga.

I was like, "Where have you been?"

Every article said that comedians

whored themselves out to a dictator.

But... But all the articles

have my picture on it.

And you know what? I can't even get mad.

'Cause, you know, to be fair,

I did make more money

than all of those comedians.

I don't even work

at Netflix no more, n*gga.

You know what my new job is?

I sit by the phone

and wait for them Arabs to call me.

"Can I help you guys? What do you need?"

I love working in the Middle East.

That's my second show I did over there.

I did a show three months before that.

That was in Abu Dhabi.

Them n*gg*s had a... a...

a comedy festival too.

And let me tell you something.

Now, y'all never been in the Middle East.

Here's some wild sh*t

about them you might not know.

You know how everybody got, like,

a dog around here?

Out there, they don't f*ck with dogs.

You know what they do? They got...

They got birds, falcons, n*gga.

These n*gg*s have as pets,

they have falcons.

I couldn't believe it. I went to the mall,

I saw these n*gg*s with falcons.

I'm like, "This sh*t is dope."

And, you know, here in D.C.,

we might see, like, a pimp here or there.

And that's...

But I've never seen a n*gga pimp a bird.

That n*gga just had the bird like,

"Bring me a rabbit."

And that m*therf*cking bird

would just bring this n*gga a rabbit.

And he'd just give the bird a piece

and eat the rest himself.

So, I saw a guy at the mall

with one of these falcons.

We were just talking about bullshit.

And I don't know what...

I don't know why

I even thought to do this.

Something just came over me.

I said... I said, "Yo..."

I said, "Yo, n*gga,

let me borrow that falcon."

He did it.

He gave me the mitten,

and he gave me the falcon.

Now, I've done a lot of fly sh*t

in my life,

but the most rock star sh*t

I've ever done,

you'd never know what this feels like.

I walked into an arena this size,

20,000 people screaming.

I had a live falcon on my arm.

n*gg*s went crazy.

Crowd was going nuts.

This is their national bird.

Now, I don't know sh*t about the bird.

Turns out,

this species of falcon that was on my arm

is the single fastest creature on earth.

I didn't know that.

Apparently when it hunts,

it flies straight up

and then it dives down

at 240 miles an hour,

they've clocked it at.

It strikes its prey dead

and then flies off and comes back,

and gets whatever it k*lled.

I didn't know that.

And when I was walking through the arena,

the crowd was screaming,

but the falcon didn't panic,

'cause it had some kind of mask on,

and that n*gga was just looking like...

But it didn't trip.

Now, I didn't know, this mask

is part of the falcon's training.

If you take the mask off the falcon,

it will think that it's time to hunt.

Boy, I wish he'd told me that.

'Cause I was on the stage k*lling it,

and the falcon

was just looking all stupid like this.

And I'm like, "Oh, man,

this n*gga can't even see the show."

So, I took the mask off.

Man, this falcon lost his g*dd*mn mind.

Mayhem ensued.

That m*therf*cker fluttered like this

and flew off my arm.

And at first,

everybody was clapping, "Yeah!"

And that n*gga dove down,

240 miles an hour.

k*lled a b*tch in the third row.

And it was a transgender b*tch.

When it hit her, her d*ck popped out.

Everybody screamed.

I was like, "Oh, sh*t."

I didn't know what to do.

Next thing I know, the police,

the Arab police came

and these n*gg*s

just ushered me off stage.

I didn't realize that I was under arrest.

I said, "What's the meaning of this?"

Clearly, these guys know

it was an accident.

And the next thing I know,

they charged me with m*rder.

I said, "m*rder?"

The f*ck? It was an accident.

And then they had me in a court,

and these n*gg*s started reading

transcripts of all my transgender jokes.

Trying to act like

I k*lled this b*tch on purpose.

I said, "I didn't even know

this b*tch was trans

until her d*ck popped out."

"This is a g*dd*mn outrage."

"I'm an American."

I still didn't think I was gonna get

in trouble, but at the end of the case,

this is the only word

in the whole trial I understood.

That n*gga said, "Guilty." I said, "What?"

And my whole life flashed before my eyes.

I said, "I wish I never came out here."

You're probably wondering

how I'm here tonight.

Well, I didn't know this at the time,

but I found out,

lucky for me, k*lling a transgender

in the Middle East, misdemeanor.

Phew!

Yeah, it's way easier to talk...

in Saudi Arabia.

Jimmy Kimmel got canceled.

Let me tell you something too.

Not only did they cancel Jimmy Kimmel,

this guy Carr that runs the FCC

had the nerve to say that Kimmel,

if he wanted to get back on television...

I don't know if Carr said this,

but somebody said this.

They said this n*gga has to pay

Charlie Kirk's

Turning Point USA Foundation money

to get back on.

Now, think about that. No, think about it.

Elon Musk bought the election for Trump

because the Supreme Court said

that money was free speech.

So, you can spend your money

however you want to speak,

but if they make this n*gga pay some money

for some sh*t he doesn't believe in,

well then they're compelling him

to say something that he does not mean.

And six million... Oh, excuse me.

Listen, I made a lot of money.

But I'll take money

from Saudi Arabia any day,

just so I can say no over here.

It feels good to be free.

And I know that the people in Saudi Arabia

can't say all the things

that I was allowed to say.

But a deal's a deal, and the king said

that I could say these things.

So, I looked at it

like I was on a diplomatic mission.

I gotta bring p*ssy jokes

to the Middle East.

'Cause they got all that p*ssy over there

and they can't even talk about it.

I said, "I'll do it."

sh*t ain't what it used to be, is it?

This n*gga Puff got 50 months.

I don't like talking about this,

but I'm gonna do it.

Here's my thing about Puffy,

and I gotta state my bias.

Years ago, I got attacked on stage...

in... in California at the Hollywood Bowl.

Now, this was a long time ago.

At this time,

Charlie Kirk was alive and well.

This is another reason it's hard to talk

in America, 'cause, you know,

if you talk for a living and see

Charlie Kirk get m*rder*d that way,

I'm gonna be honest, n*gga, I was shook.

I mean, Charlie Kirk

is the wholesome white guy,

and they k*lled this m*therf*cker.

I said, "These whites..."

"You've never seen them like this."

"They're playing for keeps."

And then remember,

the next day in the news,

when all the information was still shoddy,

they came out and they were like,

"Apparently there were

transgender messages inscribed

on the b*ll*ts."

I was at home like, "Oh, no!"

"I'm dead as fried chicken!"

And then weeks later

they said what was written on the b*ll*ts.

One of the b*ll*ts had

"Bella Ciao, Bella Ciao,

Bella, Bella, Bella Ciao" written on it.

Another b*llet had written on it,

"If you're reading this, you're g*y."

I was at home like, "n*gga, I'm gonna need

to see these b*ll*ts."

How the f*ck is this n*gga writing

whole paragraphs on b*ll*ts?

How big are these b*ll*ts?

What is this n*gga, a watchmaker?

He can inscribe all this sh*t on a b*llet?

I'm not making light

of Charlie Kirk dying,

but I'm not sure what it means,

and I'm not sure I believe

what they say it means.

I'll tell you what I don't believe,

and the whites were quick to say this.

They said, "Charlie Kirk

is this generation's Martin Luther King."

No, he's not.

Yeah, that's a... that's a reach.

You know, they both got m*rder*d

in a terrible fashion.

They both got shot in the neck,

but that's about

where those similarities end.

'Cause Charlie Kirk is a m*therf*cking...

internet personality. No, by design.

Fundamentally,

he can't function like Dr. King.

Internet n*gg*s are negative

because they have to be.

'Cause nobody will engage them

unless they say sh*t

that makes them upset.

That's Charlie Kirk.

Could you imagine Dr. King

was behaving like Charlie Kirk?

"Smash that like button and subscribe."

"Follow me for more content like this."

"I believe all Black people

should be free. Change my mind."

The Congress took a vote...

that October 14th

would be Charlie Kirk Remembrance Day,

and everybody voted for it.

No, no, no, I'm not going to boo it.

You can reme... Hey, hey, hey, no, no.

Remember that n*gga if you want to.

And remember him however you want to.

But I do know that most of those

congresspeople voted for that

'cause they're afraid

of political violence.

I'm telling you,

it's easier to talk in Saudi Arabia.

I was on stage not long ago in the States

and n*gg*s got mad 'cause I said,

"Well, you know, maybe Puff will get off."

And I said, "I hope so."

And the crowd was like, "Boo."

Okay, look,

it's not that I think Puff is right,

but when I got attacked

in L.A. at the Hollywood Bowl,

people forget Puff was the guy

that tackled my attacker.

He saved my life.

That's a hard n*gga

to be mad at after that.

I had security that night,

but you know what I mean?

Them n*gg*s... They just wasn't ready.

Them n*gg*s had some

slippery shoes on or something.

They ran out.

All them n*gg*s slipped and fell.

And Puffy got my attacker and tackled him.

And then years later,

when I heard about that baby oil,

I was like,

"What did those n*gg*s slip on?"

A thousand bottles of baby oil,

that's a lot.

Remember, he wasn't on trial

for having a thousand bottles of baby oil

because it's not a crime

to have a thousand bottles of baby oil.

It's gross.

It's not ill*gal.

And I'm going to tell you something else

I haven't said... but this is true.

In L.A. one night...

I shouldn't even tell... f*ck it.

I've been to Puffy's house.

No, I didn't see... Look, no, I didn't see

none of the stuff they said in that trial.

I walked through that n*gga's living room,

house was clean, traction on the floor,

nothing slippery, walked right through.

Perfectly normal evening.

The only thing...

the only thing, in hindsight,

but at the time

it didn't mean nothing to me...

I didn't think about it

until after I found all that stuff out.

But in hindsight, it was f*cked up,

but we was on his back patio,

and we was drinking and laughing, talking,

and then Puff starts swirling

his drink like this, and he goes...

He goes, "So, Dave."

He goes, "What are you into?"

You know me, I didn't... I was like,

"I don't know, n*gga,

books, video games, um..."

I didn't know

that was my big chance to f*ck Cassie.

God bless her.

I'm not making light of her.

What she went through was terrible.

But remember... But remember,

'cause they kept showing this video of him

beating her up in a hotel hallway.

It was a terrible video.

Uh, but he wasn't on trial for that.

If you remember, he paid her for that

before the federal charges ever came up.

He paid her 35 million dollars,

is what I heard.

Which doesn't make it right,

but I mean, come on, n*gga.

I do know n*gg*s that have fought

Floyd Mayweather for less money than that.

And them n*gg*s had to fight

for 36 minutes.

But Cassie is a gangster.

She did something

that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

She had to testify about her sex life.

Boy, that's tough.

God save us all from that.

Anything you say

about sex publicly is gonna sound bad.

Even if you're talking

about f*cking your wife face-to-face.

The judge is like,

"Tell me about when you..."

"Did you f*ck your wife face-to-face?"

"Yes, Your Honor, I did."

"Well, could you describe the..."

"Well, yes, I looked at her

in her cold, bored eyes, and then I..."

"Then I pulled those big panties aside,

and it's like a bush that just screams,

'I don't give a f*ck, ' and I just...

You know what I mean?"

"Just powered through it,

you know what I mean?"

Cassie had to do way harder than that.

Them questions... They was like,

they was asking her all kinds...

"Did Sean Combs pee in your mouth?"

I was like, "Oh my God."

She didn't hesitate.

"Yes, Your Honor, he did. He peed..."

I'm sorry.

Tonight, I had done something,

I had, like, prepared something

that I wanted to try.

It was hard though, but I really wanted...

Whoo!

It's the longest closer

in the history of my career.

I'm gonna do it, but, boy,

this is gonna take a lot of focus,

so please don't yell out

and distract me, just enjoy it.

No, it's hard, you know, like...

Look, man, closing the show...

closing the show is everything,

and closing the show in D.C.

is very important.

So tonight,

I'm gonna do two different closers.

I'll do my closer for D.C.,

and then after that...

This b*tch scream like a car alarm,

did you hear that?

Did everybody else hear that?

Jesus Christ.

All right, and then after that,

if I can get to it,

I'll do my closer from Saudi Arabia.

All right, this is the tough one.

Hey, do me a favor, production,

sex it up, give me,

like, comedy club lights.

- We love you, Dave!

- I love you too.

All right, let me concentrate. This is...

When you see it, you'll understand

this is harder than it...

It's harder to do this than you think.

Hold on. Go ahead, keep screaming.

Give me a drink.

- I love you, Dave!

- I love you too, homie.

Listen, I say this...

hoping that this brings somebody

in this audience peace.

I really do mean what I'm about to say.

- I love you.

- I know how it is right now.

I understand how a lot of people feel.

Turn your walkie down, champ.

I know how a lot of you guys

are feeling right now.

You can't hear me?

Can you hear me?

Got that Bill Cosby.

It's not gonna give me much time.

I know how people are feeling right now,

and I hope that this brings you peace.

I feel that way too.

Without question,

1,000% without question,

all of us, individually and collectively,

are living through some sort

of a conspiracy, I'm sure.

That feeling you have that something

is wrong, or you might feel like,

"Hey, am I right about this?

Am I crazy?" No, n*gga.

No, you're not crazy.

This thing you're feeling,

I'm telling you, I feel it too.

But here's what I suggest.

If you don't know what the conspiracy is,

then just say that.

"I don't know" is an acceptable answer.

In fact, if you don't know,

it is the best answer.

But all this f*cking guessing out loud

about what the conspiracy is,

I'm begging you,

please, shut the f*ck up.

You're gonna make everybody sick that way.

You can say "I feel,"

you can say "I think" or "I suspect,"

or, "It looks to me like," but please,

please stop saying you know.

Because in times like this,

the last person I trust

is the n*gga that's sure.

This is madness.

But here's what I think.

Somehow this country went wrong...

in 1910.

I... I narrowed it down to a specific dude.

It has... It has something to do...

And think about what I say later, not now.

It has something to do with Jack Johnson.

Whoo!

Jack Johnson...

was the first Black

heavyweight champion of the world.

And the heavyweight championship

to this day

is the most prestigious title in sports.

But in 1908...

only white fighters had that distinction.

Not because Black fighters

weren't good enough,

but because no white fighter would give

any Black person the opportunity

to lay their hands on them.

And a guy named Tommy Burns

became heavyweight champion.

And Tommy Burns was an anomaly.

He was Canadian.

And he said, "I am

the heavyweight champion of the world."

He's Canadian. You know how,

you know, faggy they are. He was like...

He said, "I am not the champion of Canada,

I am not the champion of white men."

"I am the heavyweight champion

of the world,

and I will defend my championship

against all comers."

And boy...

Jack Johnson got the opportunity to fight

for the heavyweight championship

of the world

not from an American, like he was,

but from a Canadian.

Now, you think that Americans would root

for Jack Johnson

because he was an American.

No, this n*gga was blacker

than Wesley Snipes.

Tommy Burns was

at that time the shortest person

to ever be heavyweight champion

of the world.

And Jack Johnson stepped

in the ring and towered above him.

And... And... And...

And, you know, he beat his...

He beat the f*ck out of Tommy Burns.

In Sydney, Australia.

And all the white fighters in America

were like, "You see what we mean?"

"Fighting those g*dd*mn

dirty fighting monkeys."

Before Tommy Burns,

the heavyweight champion had retired.

It was a man named Jim Jeffries.

And everyone said,

"Jack Johnson's not the real champion."

They said, "Jim Jeffries

is the real champion,

and it's a good thing he's not fighting,

or he'd beat your Black a*s,

Jack Johnson."

So, Jack Johnson...

Jack Johnson called out Jim Jeffries.

It happened first in London.

Jim Jeffries was in a parade in London,

and Jack Johnson's Black a*s

stepped out of the crowd.

This n*gga was dressed to the nines.

He was very articulate.

He said, "I say, old boy,

I sure would like to give you a wallop."

Jim Jeffries was just looking at him.

"What the f*ck?"

And then Jim Jeffries was

in a parade in Sydney, Australia,

and Jack Johnson stepped

out of the crowd again.

"I say, old boy, I sure do want

to give you the old one, two."

Jim Jeffries was looking like,

"How does this n*gga have a passport?"

Again, this was 1910.

The hallmark of Jack Johnson's character

was audacity.

There's a story

about him that's a legend that says

that one night he was caught

speeding down a country road

south of the Mason-Dixon line,

and the police pulled

Jack Johnson's Black a*s over.

You know, this was 1910.

He must have been flying,

13, 14 miles an hour.

The police stopped him.

The police said,

"It cost 200 dollars for a n*gg*r

to speed on our roads down here."

Back then, 200 dollars was like

getting a 50,000-dollar ticket.

This n*gga Jack Johnson didn't hesitate.

He gave him 400 dollars and said,

"I'm coming back this way."

After months of persistence...

Jim Jeffries relented.

And Jack Johnson defended his title

against Jim Jeffries

on the Fourth of July.

This is where the phrase

"The Great White Hope" came from.

They were dying to find any white man

that could put this n*gga in his place.

I'll tell you what, on the Fourth of July,

Jim Jeffries was not the guy.

Jack Johnson f*cked his a*s up.

And Jack Johnson did what they call

in boxing, "Carried the fight,"

which means he could have

knocked him out in the early rounds,

but he didn't wanna die.

He wanted to make it look good.

But when he got sick of it,

'cause back then it wasn't no, like,

15-round fights, n*gg*s just fought

till they couldn't fight anymore.

And when Jack Johnson got bored...

put him away

with a vicious right hook,

and you see Jim Jefferies

in the footage start to fall,

but then the film cuts off.

'Cause they didn't want any imagery...

of this n*gga knocking out their hope.

And on July 5th,

all over the United States,

there were riots, white riots,

where they k*lled many Black people

to make sure that the rest

of these n*gg*s knew their place.

Because Jack Johnson

was the first Black person

to physically confront the color line

and win. And here's the punchline.

He didn't just leave the arena

with his life.

Jack Johnson had

a very particular proclivity.

He left the arena with his life

and a white b*tch. Let's talk about it.

You see, Jack Johnson

loved f*cking white women.

Almost exclusively,

he would f*ck white women.

And, man, the audacity of this n*gga

beating white men up

and f*cking their b*tches.

The Black boxing world was elated.

And every great Black fighter

celebrated Jack Johnson.

And they came to Jack Johnson, they said,

"Jack, congratulations.

Can I get a title fight?"

And Jack Johnson,

just like his white predecessors, said,

"Well, I don't fight Black fighters."

"I'm in the business of beating up

white guys and f*cking their b*tches."

And one after another...

they lined up the Great White Hopes,

and Jack Johnson would vanquish them all.

In fact...

In fact, it took an act of Congress...

to stop him.

Congressman named Mann from Illinois

came up with an act called the "Mann Act."

The Mann Act is the law

that says it is ill*gal

to take a woman across state lines

for the purposes of debauchery.

In my line of work,

got to know sh*t like that.

Jack Johnson got tried, prosecuted,

convicted of the Mann Act,

fled the country,

was on the run for years,

and it ruined his life.

And then finally in 1946, he died

in the United States in a car crash.

But before he died,

and this is one of my favorite quotes

that any American ever said, he said,

"I risked everything...

for my pleasure."

You know, having freedom is one thing.

Not having freedom is another thing.

But using freedom that you don't have

takes an enormous amount of courage,

no matter how selfish you are with it.

And Jack Johnson...

is an American riddle...

that we've gotta solve.

Not too long ago, but some years ago,

I was here in Washington.

I was at... I was at the MGM...

at the... at the National Harbor,

and I wasn't performing.

I was at... I was at a Stevie Wonder show.

And Stevie Wonder didn't know I was there.

I was on the side stage.

I got there late,

he was already doing the show.

And this was a very special night.

It... It was the night...

It was the night before...

Aretha Franklin's funeral.

And... And Aretha Franklin

was a very special person to me.

The first time I ever played Radio City,

she gave me a job as her opening act.

Mean boss, but great, great,

great, great, great, great artist.

And Steve was on stage, k*lling it.

And then in the middle of his set...

he started to sing a medley

of all the songs that he had

ever written for Aretha Franklin.

And, man, I gotta tell you, it was a lot.

Huge hits

that I didn't even know he wrote.

And the crowd was grooving

and celebrating her life.

And just suddenly, in the middle of it...

Stevie broke down crying.

Put his head down on the piano,

and I could hear him sob.

And I was drunk.

And it hurts a man

to hear another man cry.

And I didn't even think about it.

I was like, "I must go to him."

And I just walked down on stage.

And, you know, it's home.

When the crowd saw me,

they started cheering.

But Stevie didn't know it was me.

That n*gga was looking like that falcon.

And I sat down next to him at the piano,

and I go, "Steve, it's me."

And then he smiled real big,

and we started cracking jokes

and singing songs.

And... And then after the show,

we were backstage, and he asked me...

he said, "What are you doing tomorrow?"

I said, "I'm gonna fly

to Detroit with you...

pay my respects to Ms. Franklin."

And he said, "No."

At that time...

a senator had just passed away.

The late, great John McCain

had passed away.

And Stevie said,

"I need you to do me a favor."

He said, "John McCain is laying

in state at the Capitol."

He said, "I want you to go pay...

our respects to him."

And I said, "n*gga, I would much rather go

to Detroit with you."

And then Stevie gave me that look.

He just looked like this, like...

He didn't even know

I was all the way over here.

So, I went.

The next day, I went to the Capitol.

I... I... I don't do this for anyone

but Stevie Wonder.

He can tell me

to do anything within reason.

The only thing he's told me to do

that I won't do is stop smoking.

That I won't do yet.

But I did it. I waited in line,

and then I got all the way

up to Senator McCain's casket,

and I was just like,

"Uh, Stevie Wonder sent me."

"Goodbye, n*gga." And I just walked off.

But I... But that's what he wanted,

and so I did it.

A lot of people don't know this,

but people from Washington know this,

who are my age.

A lot of people don't know

that Martin Luther King,

unlike Charlie Kirk,

had a harder time being remembered.

That...

the only reason

that Martin Luther King's birthday

is a holiday is because the King family

and Stevie Wonder lobbied

very hard and very long

for that holiday.

People forget.

That what they call

"Black Happy Birthday,"

the Stevie Wonder "Happy Birthday,"

was a protest song

about making the King holiday a reality.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

And it was so effective.

Finally, the Senate voted on it.

Ninety-nine out of 100 senators

agreed to make that birthday a holiday.

Except for one...

John McCain.

The guy that Stevie sent me

to say goodbye to.

What a great man Stevie Wonder is.

How much this country could learn...

from a man like that.

John McCain, God bless him...

he got himself in a pickle for that vote,

but it came back

to get his a*s years later.

Years later, he was running for president

and had to run against the first n*gga

to ever get a party nomination.

And Barack Obama got that nomination

on the anniversary

of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech.

And of all the votes

in McCain's long career as a senator,

that vote against that King holiday

had never haunted him

like it did at that time.

So, how did he counter that?

I'll tell you what he did.

If you remember,

John McCain sponsored a bill

to pardon Jack Johnson posthumously

of the Mann Act.

Yes, he did sponsor that bill to pardon

Jack Johnson of the Mann Act.

The Mann Act is precisely the law

that Sean "Puffy" Combs

was convicted of just recently.

America's Unstoppable n*gga Act.

Yeah, something else is going on,

but I don't know. Are you guys bored?

No!

Okay, I'm gonna keep going. There's more.

I hate conspiracy theories,

but I'll tell you one about... well...

and this is not even a theory.

This part I know is a fact.

Did you know...

when I left D.C. and moved

to New York in the '90s,

that New York City Police Department

had a hip-hop police task force?

Did you know that?

And this task force would follow anybody

that was involved

in hip-hop culture around.

Not just rappers, drug dealers,

'cause they thought

that it was connected somehow.

Even young comedians like me.

Anybody that was just on that scene,

they knew who everybody was

and what everybody was doing.

And back in those days,

I used to go to nightclubs,

but sometimes I'd go to a club

and the lights would be

a little bit different.

And I didn't notice, but the O.G.s

would pull me aside and be like,

"Careful in the club, n*gga."

"They got the FBI lights up."

Which meant that the lighting was strange

'cause the party was under surveillance

and they were just telling me

to watch my back.

And, you know,

I wasn't doing anything wrong anyway,

n*gga, just having a good time.

Now, did you know that

that task force was invented originally

to follow just two people around?

Those people was

a guy named Christopher Wallace,

a.k.a. the Notorious B.I.G.,

and Sean "P. Diddy" Combs.

Now, why is that?

That this n*gga has been

under surveillance for at least 30 years,

but just now, just now they noticed

that he racketeers and beats up b*tches?

I bet you, I bet you,

if he was doing all that,

I bet you they seen him

doing it for a long time.

But why now?

I don't know.

It was strange, in this case,

nobody called the police,

except for Kid Cudi.

And everybody called Kid Cudi a snitch.

But he wasn't a snitch.

A snitch is

when two n*gg*s do crime together

and one of them gets caught

and tells on the other one

to get himself out of the trouble.

Kid Cudi was violated by Puff.

He alleged that Puff blew up

his m*therf*cking Porsche

with a Molotov c*ck

and didn't stop there.

He said... He then alleged

that Puff broke into his house...

and opened this n*gga's Christmas gifts.

Oh, n*gga, I'd have been furious.

Kid Cudi said, "I can't prove

that he opened the gifts or nothing,

but I came in the house

and he was in there and the gifts was open

and that n*gga was just like,

'Merry Christmas, playboy.'"

So what was Kid Cudi supposed to do?

He only got two choices. Either A,

you're going to have

to do some gangster sh*t

to this n*gga that he's going

to have a hard time proving.

Or if you're not built like that...

and I do not believe

that Kid Cudi is built like that...

your last option is B...

you gotta call the police.

And good for Kid Cudi.

He did the right thing.

I, on the other hand,

oh, I'm built like that.

If this n*gga f*ck

my family's Christmas up,

you better believe

I'm gonna make him suffer for that sh*t.

A n*gga's gonna come up to me

and tell me all about it

and not even know I did it.

"Oh, my God, Dave!"

"Did you hear what happened to Puffy?"

"Oh, my God, no. What happened?"

"He was jogging

by himself in Topanga Canyon."

"A falcon came out of nowhere

and k*lled this n*gga!"

"Oh, my God."

I love hip-hop music.

I love many of the people

that make that music.

They taught me things and showed me things

that I'd never seen

for myself, good things.

For example, I was in Atlanta once.

I'm almost done. Hang in there, champ.

I was in Atlanta...

and a rapper named T.I...

called me up. Now, at this time,

I didn't know him well,

I know him better now,

but I knew him well enough

that he'd had my phone number.

And the n*gga called me up, he was like,

"Dave, I heard you was in my city."

He said,

"I want to show you the real Atlanta."

I said, "f*ck yeah, n*gga, let's go."

He said, "Meet me downstairs

in your hotel valet."

So I went downstairs.

I thought he was f*cking around,

but when I went down there,

he was outside in the valet,

sitting in a purple Phantom.

This car must have been

a million and a half dollars.

Beautiful purple color

with ivory-white seats.

It's the kind of car

that you gotta have a chauffeur to drive,

but for some reason,

this n*gga was driving it himself.

And I didn't ask no questions.

I just jumped in the car and, man,

he showed me Atlanta, everything.

"Outkast and them

started rapping over there

and Future used to play

in the playground over here."

And then he slowed the car up

and he pointed to a house and he goes...

"And Martin Luther King

grew up in that house right there."

"And he raised his children over here."

"And that's the church

he preached in over there."

And then... we stopped at a red light,

and these little Black kids

rushed the car from either side

of the intersection with water bottles.

These kids in Atlanta, if you know,

they're called the Water Boys.

Their whole hustle is

they sell water to people who are stuck

in that hot Atlanta traffic.

I didn't know that.

I just saw these young n*gg*s

running up on the car,

so I locked the door like, "f*ck that."

But T.I. rolled his window down,

started giving the kids orders.

"Slow down, don't just run up

on somebody's car."

"You don't know what they got in there."

"And smile so you look less threatening."

"And remember your manners.

'Yes, sir. No, ma'am. Please, thank you.'"

"That'll keep you alive."

"And keep that condensation on that water

so it looks refreshing and delicious."

And then that kid realized

that he was talking to a legend.

He said, "Oh, my God."

He said, "Thanks, T.I."

And held his hand out for some money.

And that n*gga T.I.

looked at him and said,

"I done gave you the game,"

and rolled up the window and drove away.

That night...

I did my show...

and when I got off stage,

T.I. was backstage with a friend of his

that I didn't know.

I just knew his friend was somebody,

because everyone was acting

all excited that he was back there.

So I asked him,

I go, "Yo, Tip, who's your man?"

And he's like, "Oh, that right there?"

He goes, "That there

is the future of hip-hop."

And I was like,

"n*gga, will you just calm down?"

So then I asked the dude.

I say, "Yo, my man."

I said, "What's your name?"

And the dude looked over,

he said... he said, "I'm Nipsey."

And this was Nipsey Hussle.

Not gonna go all into it,

but I gotta tell you, that night...

that night, me and T.I.

and Nipsey went out...

and we had a f*cking blast.

Good time, not freak-off fun, but fun.

So much so

that when I got home from the road,

and my wife always asks me,

she goes, "Dave, how was your trip?"

Normally I'm just like, "It was good."

But this time I was like,

"Babe, babe, I met the coolest n*gga."

I said, "This n*gga's younger than me,

but it's like he's older than me."

And she's like, "Wha... What?"

She goes, "What does that mean?"

And I was like,

"I don't know, b*tch. He's like..."

"It's like hanging out

with a fortune cookie."

"This n*gga just had

an answer for everything."

I told her all about Nipsey.

What was funny about it is years later,

I saw Nipsey's widow

and she pulled me aside.

I'd never met her.

And she said, "I just want to tell you

that my husband loved you."

She said, "He said he met you

in Atlanta and you had a wonderful time."

I said, "Boy, that's f*cking crazy.

We sure did."

Not long after I met Nipsey,

I was in L.A. doing a show.

And then after the show,

I got a text from a guy that says,

"I'm at a party you need to be at."

And I was like, "I'm gonna go to bed."

And he's like, "No, n*gga,

you have to come to this party."

So I'm thinking

this must be the freak-off, finally.

And the party was at a place

that I'd been to a million times.

So I wasn't excited

about being in that place.

But when I walked in,

it just was different.

It was popping.

And it turns out

that the party was for Nipsey.

Nipsey had been nominated

for Rap Album of the Year,

and everyone that he would have

ever respected was at the party.

T.I. was there,

Snoop was there, Jay-Z was there,

Puffy, before we knew

he did all that stuff, was there.

I was there, on and on and on.

And as good as the party was

when I was partying,

I was having fun,

but I had a pit in my stomach

'cause it reminded me of the '90s.

And you can believe me

or you cannot believe me.

I'm just telling you how I saw

and how I felt.

They had the FBI... the FBI lights up.

I just felt like,

"Man, this party's under surveillance,"

but I didn't think too much of it.

And then I went back home to Ohio,

and I was taking a nap,

and my wife shook me awake

and she had tears in her eyes

and she said, "David."

I said, "What's going on with you?"

She said, "Your friend is dead."

And I'm old now, so I'm like,

"b*tch, you're gonna have

to be more specific than that."

I know n*gg*s with gout.

But it was Nipsey.

And this is why I feel

for Charlie Kirk's fans

because I know what it's like

to see someone you look up to

and admire gunned down

by a f*cking nobody.

Oh, my God.

It's so hard to accept that.

And if you looked on the internet

and... and saw all those terrible videos,

because there was a very gory video

of Nipsey's m*rder too.

And then I... I looked

in the comments section,

and... and the internet

was doing what it does,

and everyone was coming up

with one conspiracy theory after another,

but the one that I kept seeing

the most involved a holistic doctor

in New York City. Have you heard it?

It's a doctor named Dr. Sebi.

In the mid-'90s, during the height

of the A*DS epidemic,

a Black holistic doctor

in New York named Dr. Sebi claimed

that he cured two people

of A*DS and HIV holistically.

And at that time,

that was an ill*gal claim

to make in the United States

because of the FDA.

So the federal government

took Dr. Sebi to court

and New York State took Dr. Sebi to court.

And Dr. Sebi beat both cases.

And Nipsey Hussle, unbeknownst to many,

was making a documentary,

he was producing it,

about Dr. Sebi's work and his life.

And people on the internet believe

that larger powers k*lled Nipsey Hussle

to keep that information from you and I.

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

But I'll tell you something

that I do know.

The greatest comedian I've ever seen

with my own eyes is Charlie Barnett.

Charlie Barnett,

a New York street comedy legend.

He only did comedy on the streets,

and I was lucky enough to meet him.

He was a mentor of mine.

Charlie Barnett was so good at performing

on the streets that from the streets,

he booked himself a job

on Saturday Night Live.

Yeah, but the week of rehearsals,

they found out that he couldn't read.

So they fired him

and replaced him with Eddie Murphy.

Oh, it could have been beautiful.

But you gotta be able to read

to do Saturday Night Live.

I know y'all saw Bad Bunny last week.

I'm not knocking him, but that

n*gga's reading, you know what I mean?

Charlie Barnett wasn't deterred.

He kept pushing.

And he went on to do movies like D.C. Cab,

which is where I first saw him.

He used to be on Miami Vice.

This m*therf*cker became a star

in his own right.

But the thing that kept derailing him

is that Charlie was

a terrible drug addict.

This n*gga started doing crack

to quit heroin.

He was doomed.

He learned how to do street comedy

from a guy named Swami X,

and Swami X didn't just teach him

how to do comedy,

he taught him how to get high,

and Charlie never could shake it.

And when Charlie mentored me,

even though he was a terrible drug addict,

I never saw him high.

He never wanted

to do to me what Swami did to him.

He made sure I understood

that cocaine is just not for you

even though those b*tches are prettier

than them ugly weed b*tches

you be hanging out with.

One night, I saw Charlie in a comedy club

and he looked terrible.

And this guy would avoid me

if he was getting high,

but I'd never seen him look this bad.

So I said to him,

I said, "Charlie, you good?"

And he didn't say anything.

And I said, "Are you high?"

And he laughed.

He said, "No, n*gga, I'm not high."

He said, "I'm dying."

And I said, "What?"

And he said, "I'm dying."

"I have A*DS."

"And I'm dying."

Now, I must've been 18 or 19.

I'd never met nobody

that I knew of that had A*DS.

But I got to tell you,

that... that sh*t had me shook.

And then I started thinking

of all his jokes.

And he was hinting at it for years.

Didn't he used

to have a joke where he said,

"I took an A*DS test yesterday.

I got a 65."

Another time

he was on stage at the Apollo,

and he told the crowd,

"There's good and bad in everything."

And the crowd was like, "Yeah."

He said, "So what's good about crack?"

And, you know, everybody

in Harlem was like, "Nothing."

And he said, "sh*t, crack brought

the price of p*ssy down to five dollars."

But when he said he had A*DS,

I was so shocked

that I looked at him

to see if he was joking.

And I knew, I said, "He's... He's serious."

And I said, "f*ck that sh*t."

He said, "What you mean?"

I said, "You're not going

to die around me, n*gga."

"That's not your destiny."

He said, "What are you talking about?"

And I took Charlie Barnett

to Dr. Sebi.

This is a fact.

And Dr. Sebi treated Charlie Barnett

for three months.

This is a crazy story.

I could make a whole movie about it.

It's a long story, so I'll spare you.

But the point of the story is,

Charlie died of A*DS.

D.C., no matter how much this government

or anyone else puts pressure on you,

keep your wits about you.

I'm here just to remind you

that we are a community,

and we will stay sane together.

We will take care of each other,

and we will wait this orange n*gga out.

The fear that I have for myself

that I need you to protect me from

is co-option.

My voice has become more powerful

than I intended it to be,

and I cannot let these n*gg*s do me

like Charlie Kirk,

or even worse than that.

What if these n*gg*s trip me up somehow,

co-opt me,

and then make me say the things

that they want me to say?

Well, we can't have that.

So, just in case,

we need a code.

It's gotta be something that I can say

so that if I say it,

you know that these n*gg*s got me.

And don't listen to nothing that I say

after I say those words.

But don't tell anybody what it is,

but it's gotta be something that,

you know what I mean,

that I would never say.

Oh, I know what the code is.

The code word is, "I stand with Israel."

Thank you very much, and good night.

I've always come to the conclusion

That "but" is the way

Of asking for permission

To lay something heavy on one's head

So I have tried to not be the one

Who'll fall into that line

But what I feel inside

I think you should know

Oh

And baby, that's you, you, you

Made life's history

'Cause you've brought

Some joy inside my tears

You have done

What no one thought could be

Oh, oh-oh

You've brought some joy

Inside my tears

I've always felt that tomorrow is for

Those who are too much afraid

To go past yesterday

And start living for today

I feel that lasting moments are coming

Far and few between

So I should tell you

Of the happiness that you bring

Baby, baby, it's you, you, you

Made life's history

Oh, baby

You've brought some joy

Inside my tears

Baby, you have done

What no one thought could be

Yeah

You've brought some joy

Inside my tears

Yeah

You've brought some joy

Inside my tears

Oh

You've brought some joy

Inside my

Tears

Doo, doo, do, do, do, do

Yeah, yeah

You've brought some joy

Inside my tears

Baby, baby

You have done

What no one thought could be

Yeah

I'm rich biatch!