(gentle ominous music)
(crickets chirping)
(cardboard rips)
I don't give a sh*t what you say, Matt.
The yellow sun may give
him plenty of powers,
but there's no way it has
any effect on his d*ck.
The fact that you think for a second
that the Bat's d*ck is bigger
than Superman blows my mind
and has me questioning your sanity.
Do you really think that the Kryptonians
would send some baby d*ck f*ck
as the last representation
of their people?
Known fact, though,
House of El men, hung like meese.
You know what?
I'm not gonna argue with someone,
who thinks there's a
person in the universe
that's packing as much
heat as Bruce Wayne.
Mutants excluded, obviously.
(phone trilling)
(ominous music)
(phone beeps)
Empire Toys.
(phone crackles indistinctly)
Hello?
Empire Toys.
(dialing tone beeps)
Dude, don't even go there.
I know what you're gonna say.
It's been exactly one
year tomorrow, Chuck.
Yeah, and that sh*t had
nothing to do with us.
Ross had his heart
removed from his body.
And Ross worked here for, like, a month?
I'm telling you, dude,
Cincy and NARC went crazy,
and they m*rder*d all those people.
There's no such thing as Acula
or any other demons for that matter.
No way, dude.
The police completely cleared Cincy Nerd
and NARC on all that.
Plus, nobody's seen or
heard from NARC in a year.
Yeah, it's because Cincy
chopped him up, f*cking ate him.
(object clatters)
Wind?
You're kidding, right?
(tense music)
(crickets chirping)
(sighs) Rob left the door open again.
(dramatic music)
(both gasp)
You guys are still here?
Holy sh*t.
What are you still doing here?
Full disclosure?
I don't know.
Yo, he ate all the Scooby snacks.
There's enough weed in
there to last us a month.
The f*ck owes us 80 bucks.
Just take it out of his check.
Don't say sh*t, we
can get sued for that.
-All right, just take the trash out.
-I'll give you a ride home.
The trash?
Thanks, Matt.
I love you.
Love you too?
I love him.
I love you too.
(Matt scoffing)
It's always something with you.
[Matt] Because you're
a f*cking piece of sh*t.
(Matt and Chuck arguing indistinctly)
(suspenseful music)
[Matt] Oh, 100%.
[Chuck] Absolutely, you're sure?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
No joke, I'm taking the marijuana treats
out of his g*dd*mn check.
I'm surprised the diabetic
f*ck is still standing.
(tense ominous music)
(bag thuds)
(person whistles eerily)
Hello?
(ominous music)
(feet scuffle)
(flesh squelching)
(Rob gurgling)
(knife thudding)
(Rob gurgling)
(ominous music)
(flesh squelching)
(Rob gurgling)
(Rob wheezes)
(m*rder*r pants)
Holy sh*t!
(Chuck screaming)
(tense dramatic music)
[Matt] Get the door, get the door!
(Chuck screams)
(door clangs)
(feet scuffling)
The one time you're
right about something.
It has to be m*rder?
f*ck.
(buttons beeping)
(ominous music)
What do we do?
-What are we gonna do?
-You need to shh!
Shut the f*ck up.
Give me your phone.
I left it in the back room.
I was putting stuff on the website.
The one day you decide to go to work.
Just use your phone.
(sighs) I left it in the bathroom.
I always knew your poop habits
were gonna be the death of us.
Just relax.
Whoever that was, can't get
in without a key, right?
(key clatters)
(tense music)
(feet thudding)
(metal clinks)
(flesh squelching)
(m*rder*r breathes heavily)
(tense dramatic music)
(pensive electric guitar music)
(water sloshing)
(water pattering)
I put the knife in my heart
I don't remember to bite
Over and over
My hands forever tied
down watch as your smile
Dad, can I have some eggs?
Oh, me, too.
(TV presenter chattering)
I'm left over
I don't want you to
be happy without me
He doesn't love us anymore.
(dog whining)
I don't want you to
be happy without me
Happy without me
(Cincy Nerd sighs)
(sighs) Here we go.
They told us to bring
something that was special to us.
We brought our favorite games
and toys, comics, you know.
Next thing I know, they throw
it all in a box and bury it.
(somber music)
Well, guess what?
They just dug it up.
(scoffs) Next.
(mouse clicks)
And because no one has any
idea how she exploded heads,
we're supposed to believe in possessions?
We're supposed to believe in possessions?
(sighs) Jesus Christ.
(mouse button clicks)
Those guys 100% k*lled all those people
with that crazy chick.
No doubt about it.
Plus, one of them's bald,
and there's a huge long
history of evil do-gooders,
no do-gooders with zero hair follicles.
-I mean, we got Lex Luthor, we got...
-Next.
(mouse button clicks)
I mean, I know for a fact that Cincy
and NARC they did not k*ll anybody.
No, they didn't.
You got that right, Burt.
Maybe they did, I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
(mouse button clicks)
(bright music)
-Demons have rights, too.
-Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess!
A crowd of protesters gathered
outside Retro Plaza in Bedford today,
marking the one year
anniversary of the mysterious
and tragic deaths that
shook the small town.
The incident left several
dead inside Retro Plaza
under circumstances authorities
never fully explained to the public.
Initial investigations centered
on two well-known figures
in the retro collecting community.
Cincy Nerd and Craig Roberts,
known online as NARC.
(lips smack)
(Cincy Nerd sighs)
I should get going.
Can you take the girls to school?
Yeah, I can.
Bye.
Thanks.
-I made 'em breakfast.
-Okay.
(expectant music)
[Protestors] Demon season.
Demon season.
(hands clapping)
Demon season.
(hands clapping)
Demon season.
(hands clapping)
Demon season.
(hands clapping)
Demon season.
(hands clapping)
Demon season.
Demon season.
(pensive music continues)
[Protestors] Free The princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
(car rumbling)
(brake clicks)
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
(keys jangling)
[Protestors] Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
(protestors booing)
Good morning, everyone.
If you don't mind, please
leave some parking spots open
for some actual paying customers.
You can't trap us on
the witch board, nerd.
She was a freaking demon princess.
Sounds like someone doesn't
want a woman in power.
Free Acula.
[Protestors] Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Demons have rights.
(pensive music continues)
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
(door thuds)
(rock music in background)
Who the f*ck are you?
Uh...
(head thuds)
Ow.
Who the f*ck are you?
Cincy?
You're not supposed to be here today.
Yeah, I'm training the
new guy at Retro today.
(sighs) It's 10:00 AM, Sam.
10:00 AM.
[Protester] Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
You're still doing me later.
(keypad clicking)
-[Protestors] Free the Princess.
-Free the Princess.
-Free the Princess. Free the Princess.
-Acula deserves better.
-Free the Princess.
-Demons have rights, too.
This is our vintage video game section.
Oh yeah, and whenever a
customer comes in, can you say,
"Welcome to Retro, have a radical time."
Yeah, that's awesome.
[Protestors] Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Free the Princess.
Oh.
(protesters booing)
Boo longer or he won't sell.
Good afternoon, you little devils.
You are on a dark path, a misguided path.
But don't you worry, just a
few drops of my Jesus Juice,
and you'll be seeing the light.
Yes, yeah.
(protesters jeering)
f*ck no.
f*ck you, you m*therf*cker.
Boo! b*tch.
(protesters continue jeering)
[Protestor] f*ck this as*h*le!
(protestors continue jeering)
-Who's next?
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-No.
-Damn, selling out now.
If a guy comes in here
with a big tub full of Beanie Babies,
just tell him Dallas Vintage
Toys or 181 Comics buys them.
It'll buy us a little bit of time
before he comes back
around and tries again.
So no Beanie Babies then?
Cincy?
So that bus just pulled up
into the parking lot again.
Dammit.
All right. Hang tight, Mitch.
Yeah, hey, can I use the bathroom?
[Cincy] Sure, go ahead.
[Mitch] About to blow
that m*therf*cker up.
(Mitch groaning)
(fart booming)
(protestors yelling)
Anybody else?
-No, Sabrina, come on.
-No! No!
Sabrina, you had good a life.
Ah, good afternoon.
How many times do we have to do this?
You can't sell drugs
in front of my stores.
Drugs?
Who's selling drugs?
I'm, I'm delivering salvation
to these misguided souls.
Whoa, whoa, what the hell?
-Jesus rocks.
-Whoa.
No, no!
That's it, I'm calling the cops.
How long before this sh*t kicks in?
30 minutes-ish, and
I'd get somewhere safe.
Somewhere you feel comfortable.
And until we meet again, may God hold you
in the palm of his hand.
And good luck,
'cause you're in for a f*cking ride.
I hate you St. Patrick.
And I love you.
Get f*cked.
(engine starting)
Empire Toys is dead.
That's right, you heard it here first.
Matt, Chuck, and Rod of
Empire Toys in Keller, Texas
were found slain in
their very own toy store.
Holy sh*t.
And the police have zero
leads, which means one thing.
The k*ller is still out there.
(bell jingles)
Times are tough.
And let me tell you, guys,
when times are tough,
you could use the Toys of He-Man
and the Masters of the Universe.
My book, which is available
now in all bookstores.
Are you the k*ller?
Die!
Until next time.
(engine rumbling)
We gotta close up.
Why, what happened?
Two words.
Jesus Juice.
(ominous music)
Mitch, we're closing up early.
Mitch.
(ominous music)
(tense dramatic music)
(blood dripping)
(gasps) Oh, my God, I'm in the sequel.
Holy sh*t, she's back.
Wait, what?
Um. Should I call the cops?
No.
I mean, yes, of course, but
I can't be here for that.
You need to deal with them.
I need to get out of here.
Just tell 'em it was my day off
-or something.
-What?
Why?
What if they find out that you are here?
Listen, the police tried to convict me
for all those murders last year.
If I stay here, I am f*cked.
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
I do have one idea, though.
Try not to blow anyone while I'm gone.
(door clicks)
-Well, look who it is.
-Look, I don't have time for this today.
Then just give me my uncle's knife back.
I don't have your uncle's knife.
And from what I understand,
you sold it to Horror Freak.
Correction, I was
robbed by Horror Freak.
Those two buff f*cking bozos
knew they were ripping me off.
What's up, horror freaks?
Man, we just got this
awesome movie prop knife
from this f*ck, Jordan.
Man, we seriously ripped this fool off.
What an idiot.
But anyways, make sure to come
down here and check it out.
Highlight your motherfuckin' boy!
Ouch! Yeah, it's not a good look.
But like I've told you all year long,
I inherited this place
when Eric was m*rder*d
with that exact same knife.
Then it's your responsibility
to make it right.
Now, where is it?
Last time I saw your knife,
it was sticking out of my f*cking back.
So you admit it.
You touched it last.
(engine starting)
Hey, you think if I take
more of this, it would help?
They're gonna regret not
buying my Beanie Babies.
(clock ticking)
(pensive music)
Oh God.
(truck rumbling)
(comet whooshes)
(intriguing music)
It's green, let's go.
Beep, beep.
Go.
(car horn honks)
Ugh.
(traffic lights beeping)
Come on, man!
f*cking go!
(car rumbling)
(car horn hoots)
You're really f*cking me here, buddy.
DJ, the light's green.
Ah!
(lights whooshing)
(Cincy screaming)
(Cincy screaming)
(Cincy grunts)
(distorted music)
(Cincy grunting)
(voices whispering indistinctly)
(wood creaking)
[Protestors] Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
Cincy sucks.
(Cincy groans and sighs)
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
How am I supposed to
take down Acula alone?
(Cincy breathing heavily)
All my stupid friends are dead.
(children chattering)
Oh, sh*t.
It's kicking in.
(bell trilling)
This is gonna suck.
Quiet down.
Quiet down, class.
Shut up!
Welcome to Ms. Tillum's Time Capsule Day.
(Cincy exclaims)
I remember this day.
I remember this day.
Time capsules. (echoing)
Time capsule '89.
Man, we were so young.
These are my Care Bear friends,
and I'm going to bury them.
This is He-Man and Battle Cat.
NARC?
-Rescue.
-What's a NARC?
I'm Craig.
('80s electronic music continues)
Seven Shakes going in a time capsule.
I'm gonna put my Game Boy in here
because I just played the NES.
You're not my NARC yet.
Mark McGuire, Pete Rose, Roger
Clemens, and Kurt Chilling.
I have four future Hall of
Famers going in the time capsule.
Did you rearrange my collection?
Did you rearrange my collection?
Did you rearrange my collection?
(dramatic music)
(Cincy screaming)
All right, miss, that's
gonna wrap up my job here.
Reckon the boys in blue will be here soon
to clean up that mess.
It's all good.
Today was his first day anyway.
And that bathroom, it
needed a clean up crew
way before the m*rder.
Anyway, have a good day.
Donny, this is Fife.
(radio chatters)
Yeah, we got another one.
If we don't catch 'em
before they get to 13,
then there's gonna be no
stopping the reign of Acula.
(engine rumbling)
(person shrieks)
(body thuds)
(coughs) What the f*ck.
(gentle music)
(NARC groans)
Jesus Christ, you're a sore loser.
[Distorted Voice] Did you
rearrange my collection?
Did you rearrange my collection?
-Can you answer my question?
-Did you rearrange my collection?
NARC?
Oh.
Dude, is this fourth
grade Ms. Tillum's class?
Yes. Dude.
I think the universe is trying
to tell me something important right now.
(gasps) Libby Winks. (whooshes)
Okay. Michael, why don't you present?
Boston Mike.
Hey, I'm gonna put this g-genie.
I'm mean lamp in the box.
[Both] A genie?
Michael, I told you to bring something
that represents the 1980s.
That looks super old.
I'm still gonna do it.
That's it, the f*cking genie.
f*ck the Yankees.
Mike Swirl was real all those years.
They just dug that thing up.
I can get that lamp and bring you back.
-But Cincy, I'm here.
-(tense music)
I'm here.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Cincy, it's time to go home now.
-I'm here.
-(bell ringing)
I'm here.
I'm here!
Cincy, Cincy.
(Cincy exclaims)
Craig?
What?
What are you doing here?
I beat Jesus at UNO.
What?
f*cking aye.
Cincy and NARC back together again.
We're gonna need some backup, though.
Acula possessed someone else.
We don't know who it is.
Okay, before we do,
are my Scooby snacks still over there?
How the hell can I
(rock music continues)
Without cashing in
My heroes have all died in battle
So cut off my hands at the wrists
The streets will run
red with our blood now
The streets will run red
The streets will run red with my love
My vendetta black
Lie
Is that Burf?
Hey, it's your boy Burf
and we're in Elm Street
toys in Allen, Texas.
What you got for me today Elm Street Toys?
What you got for me today?
Man I can't wait to get in here.
We're gonna k*ll it, man. We're
gonna find some k*ller toys.
It's gonna be good.
(bell jingles)
Hey, see if you can
get with Patrick tonight
and get some more of that juice.
Oh my God. Look at this
leather face I just found.
This thing's fricking awesome.
He's on that jazz man
He's on that jazz
Hey, hold on. Gimme a second.
I gotta get this fricking nerd out.
He's on the jazz man
The jiggy G-Excuse me.
Hello?
I'm sorry. We're closed now.
Okay. All right.
Well, I guess we gotta go, guys.
(ominous music)
(lock clicks)
(ominous music)
(object clatters)
Hello?
(suspenseful music)
-Ah!
-(flesh squelches)
(Brenda gasping)
(Brenda gasping)
No!
Please!
(Brenda shrieking)
No, not Brenda.
This addition to the body
count piling up in Texas hurts.
A close personal friend of mine,
Brenda Ortega from Elm Street Toys
was k*lled this afternoon.
I was toy hunting at a few
yard sales when I got the news.
You can find those videos linked below
if you want to check
'em out after this one.
Rest in peace, Brenda.
Love ya. Bye.
Did we get a new wiener schnitzel?
Ah, dude, how's my channel doing?
Did it go full viral after I died?
Uh. Not so much, man.
Well, how's it doing?
(Cincy sighs)
NARC is dead. Literally and digitally.
We haven't seen a single new upload
on "Not another retro
channel" since his vanishing.
But that is until today.
Today we got to meet YARC,
a new YouTube channel
with a completely new rebrand.
(heavy metal music)
You are witnessing the
dawn of YARC. (laughing)
I was f*cking hacked.
(ominous music)
(shop bell jingles)
Yo, let me get your phone.
I want to do a video.
-What?
-Yeah.
No, we're gonna keep moving.
Fine.
But after we take down Acula,
you're gonna have to
give some store credit.
(gate clangs)
Now remember what I said in the car?
She's just Jen now, not Acula.
She's not possessed
anymore, so don't freak out.
(sighs) She's a raging
l*sbian. So no g*y jokes.
(chuckles) You're g*y.
(suspenseful music continues)
68,
[NARC] (chuckles) Nice.
(suspenseful music continues)
Um. Hey, Jen.
Um, this is NARC.
NARC, this is Jen.
I remember you.
(g*n clicking)
She's scarier now than
when she was possessed.
Shut the f*ck up.
(Jen spits)
How'd you end up here?
It was that m*therf*cker
St. Peter up there.
That's why I don't like Peter's anymore.
Wouldn't even let me in.
Said that he saw me k*ll 20 people.
And before I could even defend myself,
he kicked me in my f*cking face.
Fell back down to Earth
through the Horror Freak ceiling.
Then, I'm lying on the
floor and this as*h*le
is f*cking spraying me
in the face with Windex.
None of that matters anymore.
The only thing that matters
is that Acula is back.
It's time to clear your name
and save the f*cking world.
All right. What's the plan?
Cincy has a plan, it f*cking
sucks, but he has a plan.
We're gonna break into
our childhood school
and steal a time capsule
that may or may not
have a genie named George
in it that we're going
to use to bring people back to
help us take this b*tch down.
All right.
I don't really know what the
f*ck you just said, but let's do it.
Shotgun on the shotgun?
No, not those. Too obvious.
We'll bring the modified ones.
(train clattering)
-(glass clinks)
-Oh h*.
God bless, God bless.
Speaking of which, who blessed the batch?
What you talking about?
The, the batch.
Was it Father Henry again?
Yeah. Father Henry did his thing.
You should have seen it today.
So many souls to save. It was beautiful.
I bet it was.
Even less customers for the store. Right?
Come and go.
Think another one of those retro freaks
was k*lled there today, you know?
Ah.
That's, that's too bad.
Well, hey, I hope their soul
found their way to heaven.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
But for now, let's lay low.
Just stay put for the night, okay?
Stay, stay put. Like stay put here.
This is the toy store.
Someone was k*lled here.
Don't be such a p*ssy.
You have the Lord on your side.
That I do. That I do.
(children chattering)
(bell trilling)
Coast is clear.
Stay down you dumb shits.
She finds out a couple of 30 year olds
are sneaking in and out of a school
it's probably not gonna look great.
-You wish we were 30?
-Why don't we just run?
You wish we could run.
The f*cking Game Chasers.
Who the hell are these guys?
[Cinch] Craig and I
went to school with them.
Hey, that's that that
m*therf*cker that hacked my channel.
What are we waiting for?
Aargh! Keep still.
Yeah, let's go get 'em.
I'm in the mood to kick some dicks in.
Not here. I know where they're going.
(ominous music)
Hey, Dana, are you ready to go yet?
I'll be right there.
[Both] It's taco time.
(shop bell jingles)
(ominous music continues)
(metal scraping)
(m*rder*r breathing heavily)
(Dana screams)
(flesh squelches)
It's a day with no tomorrow
A point of no return
A time for endless sorrow
When the stars no longer burn
No way.
You know what?
I remember the day I figured out
we weren't getting our stuff back.
It was a lot easier getting
that than your NAS though.
Tell me about it. I'm gray now.
Hey, check it out. They
have all their accessories.
The Dark Lord has blessed YARC this day.
He's actually missing the shield.
sh*t.
We gotta ditch this m*therf*cker.
(bells tolling)
(expectant music)
Sam? You got here fast.
Cincy, what the hell is going on?
What do the Game Chasers
have to do with any of this?
You'll figure it out.
Just get inside and distract
them while we get the lamp.
Now it's time to see if Boston Mike
was telling the truth
about that genie or not.
f*cking genie?
What's up?
Game Chasers. Are they here?
What do you think?
(upbeat music)
Oh my God, guys. Are you
guys like the Game Chasers?
Why yes. Yes, we are.
I am YARC.
That's YARC.
YARC.
I like YARC.
This is so cool.
Um. Oh my goodness, so much.
Who is this guy?
Lady, we're grown men with beards.
What makes you think we know
about the Care Bear Cousins
introduced in the Care Bear movie, 1985.
That's Lion Heart. He's
got some buddies here.
Cozy Heart and Lotsa Heart with him.
Oh my God. Amazing.
But you know who else
has a lot of heart?
-Who?
-Me.
(sneaky music)
(people chattering)
Man! You're a button
smashing son of a b*tch.
Man, I'm gonna smash your butt.
(fighters scuffling)
(people yelling)
(footsteps tapping)
What now?
Well? Do we rub it?
You rub it.
We rub together.
Okay, now we do what we should have done
in the first place.
Let's blast this b*tch
Acula back into hell.
(table rumbling)
(glasses clinking)
Oh my...
[Genie] Yo!
George?
[Genie] Yeah. You know any other genies?
Do we have to rub you more to come out?
[Genie] Ain't no one
talked to me for 30 years
and y'all think you can just rub your boy
and I'm gonna hop out of this
lamp and suck y'all dicks.
(footsteps tapping)
(tap squeaking)
(water splashing)
I'm getting a bath.
Make your wishes and
leave George be, please.
Alright.
First, we wish for all of our friends
that were k*lled last year to come back
and help us take down Acula for good.
[Genie] sh*t.
(laughs) Nice try.
You can bring back one person per one wish
per section 15.8,
paragraph four, volume 20
of the Genie Union Handbook.
Okay, we really need to
think about this though.
I have an idea.
No offense, but leave
the planning to us.
No, Jen's right?
We need to bring back
the most helpful people.
Genie, I wish for Ezekiel Vance
to be brought back from the afterlife
and help us take down the
demon princess Acula for good.
(dramatic whooshing)
(lightning crashes)
No way. Lame Pick.
I wish to bring back Boston Mike.
(dramatic whooshing)
(lightning crashes)
(screams) What the f*ck?
We get three wishes and
Boston Mike is one of them?
George, is that you?
[Genie] All right b*tches. George out.
Wait, we have one more wish, don't we?
No, Captain Underpants over there
made the first wish back in 1989,
right before he buried my a*s
in the ground for 30 years.
All right, I do three
wishes every 100 years.
Dammit, Mike! What did he pick?
[Genie] Unlimited
supply of Chinese food.
Why I don't eat Chinese food anymore.
(sighs) We brought you two back
to help us take down Acula.
She's not dead.
No! No.
No, no, no.
Acula k*lled me.
(sighs) She won.
And I'm too old and
tired to fight a demon.
[Genie] All right,
this one's on the house.
(thunder crashing)
No.
This is horse sh*t.
You idiots better have a plan.
Oh, we have a plan.
Boston Mike, go check lost and
found and get some clothes.
You look like sh*t.
[Genie] Yo.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Got the juice?
It's a good batch.
Now that everyone's hooked on the juice,
no money for the stores.
Perfect plan.
Hey, bud. Lost and found, you got it?
(fingers tapping)
Here we go.
Accessorize is important.
Like that.
Ugh, are you? Don't tell me, don't.
No, ugh!
Ugh, that was close. You see that, buddy?
No pants?
Thank you.
Have a good day, bud.
Are you getting a f*cking blow job?
Ah.
Wait, are you guys hiring?
Oh, she doesn't work here.
(expectant music)
[Ezekiel] So what's
this genius plan of yours?
[Cincy] All right, here it is.
Those three are gonna check the stores
on the west side of town.
We're gonna check the stores on the east.
[Jen] Ugh. Which one of you farted?
[Ezekiel] Hey man, I'm kind of hungry.
[Mike] Ooh, tacos?
[Jen] We don't have time to stop.
-[NARC] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Yard sale, yard sale.
-[Ezekiel] So let me get this straight.
-You had access to a genie,
and instead of k*lling
Acula, you wished us back.
[Cincy] Um...
[Ezekiel] You didn't even think of
that, did you? Didn't even think of it.
'Cause I'm tortured
f*ck you!
(car rumbling)
I'm tortured
(doors clicking)
Are you f*cking kidding me?
You always stopping at a yard sale.
I know this guy. He
has really good deals.
Get back in the car!
Get back in the car!
See, look, look, look.
Ah. Everything's a dollar.
(gentle music)
Boston Mike's back baby.
(bagpipe music)
Dude. Where's my f*cking ladder at?
(car rumbles)
Let me get two dozen tacos
and put some of that
green sauce in the bag.
-What are we even doing?
-We need to get to the store.
I've been dead for a year.
I'm a little hungry, okay?
Oh, thank you. Green sauce.
(train clattering)
(suspenseful music)
(ball thuds)
(pair scuffling)
Woo hoo hoo!
(blows thudding)
(bodies thudding)
(fighters grunting)
(metal thudding)
(suspenseful music intensifying)
(pipe clangs)
(blows thudding)
(blows thudding)
(engine rumbling)
(people chattering indistinctly)
(tape machine clicking)
Come on, dude. Go.
Go, get out of there.
[TV] You have to leave. Yes.
So uh, Brenda from Elm Street,
Matt, Chuck, and Rod from
Empire. They're all dead.
I saw that.
Collectors are saying Acula's back.
Well, Acula k*lled
my brother a year ago.
What?
Yeah. I saw some of
my footage from Empire.
Dude looks like an off-brand ghost face.
Ma, can we get some Ghost Face?
No, we got Ghost Face at home.
-I'm gonna go check the door.
-I'll be back in a little bit.
Shouldn't have said that.
You guys hear that?
Shh. Watching a classic.
(footsteps tapping)
Aren't they supposed
to be open until 7:00?
It is.
I thought so too.
Hey, man. You're supposed to be
open for another hour. What's going on?
I know, guys, I'm
sorry, but I have to close
early tonight. My
little girl has this recital
and I can't wait to see it
and I'm not gonna miss it.
Sorry again.
(ominous music)
(customers speak indistinctly)
(flesh squelching)
(victim screaming)
(ominous music continues)
I locked the door.
I'd like to see the k*ller get us now.
Not today.
(gasps) Oh, f*ck!
(ominous music continues)
Yeah.
Can't believe the Empire boys
are dead. Yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah, no, I'm, I'm up in their
booth right now at the mall
looking through their stuff.
Man, forget about eating brains.
I'd love to eat her a*s.
(man imitating zombie groans)
Yeah.
(suspenseful music)
(footsteps tapping)
(door thudding)
(lock clicking)
(m*rder*r breathing heavily)
(tense music)
(footsteps clattering)
(victim gagging)
[TV] Let's go. (indistinct)
Hey Randy. Light these torches over here.
(door squeaking)
Door's unlocked.
Oh, your plan sucks.
f*ck!
[Jen] Maybe the other
guys had better luck.
(somber music)
Maybe we shouldn't
have stopped for tacos.
They were so good though.
You are two f*cking idiots go upstairs
and I'll go check downstairs.
(feet shuffling)
(objects clattering)
Hey!
Sam's kind of a b*tch, right?
(light music)
(footsteps tapping)
(light music)
(ominous music)
(feet tapping)
I know you're still down here.
It's okay.
I'm alone.
Come out.
(ominous music)
(m*rder*r breathing heavily)
You're getting close to your 13th k*ll.
I have two idiots upstairs
that we can add to your count.
So how about
we raise King Acula together?
(Sam choking)
(head thuds)
Your phone's ringing.
(phone buzzing)
Uh, this might actually be the k*ller.
Hello.
(person speaks indistinctly)
Guys, it's the k*ller.
(person speaks indistinctly)
Well, (sighs) I know where we need to go.
You know it's a trap, right?
Probably.
(ominous music)
(engine rumbling)
(doors thud)
I still can't believe
you two guys lost Sam.
You better hope she's okay.
She's the one that wanted to separate.
I'm gonna go get something out of her car.
(suspenseful music)
(traffic rumbling)
Our winding paths will soon intersect,
and then the harrowing descent begins.
Okay.
It's the same mixture
of drugs and holy water
you two used to take down Acula last year.
You have to weaken the demon
if we even stand a chance.
Alright, Acula, this
time I'ma see you coming.
So are you guys ready
to do this or what?
Of course, dude.
We got the dream team and Boston Mike.
What could go wrong?
Sorry. Did you say what could go wrong?
I don't know.
How about the fact Acula is most likely
gonna k*ll all of us, and then afterwards
we get to get butt f*cked
by demons for all eternity.
Wait, wait, wait. It's
that really on the table?
Jesus Christ, Ezekiel,
is that what was happening to you guys
before we wished you back to Earth?
Acula ain't getting me again.
(g*ns clicking)
(suspenseful music continues)
We're all gonna f*cking die.
(suspenseful music continues)
(chain clinking)
(door clicks)
(suspenseful music continues)
I found the power.
We still need to find an
object to trap Acula in.
That is if we're still
alive to perform the ritual.
No more trapping.
Tonight we k*ll the demon forever.
Shh.
Okay, what's the plan now, Cincy?
This place is huge. We need to split up.
He's right. What's the plan?
All right, no one makes
a move on their own.
We need to do this together.
You two guys, go upstairs,
take the escalator.
But before that,
"k*ll evil" on three.
Oh, you guys serious?
-Come on.
-Yeah.
This one's for you, Eddie.
1, 2, 3.
[All] k*ll evil.
Shh.
It's not on.
They're stairs. Just use them as stairs.
(suspenseful music continues)
Shh.
(footsteps tapping)
Dude, flip flops again. Really?
(gate clatters)
(elevator hums)
(gate clatters)
[Ezekiel] You all ready?
(suspenseful music continues)
-Hey.
-Yeah.
[Mike] If my head blows up.
Don't leave me this time.
Yeah.
(suspenseful music continues)
(m*rder*r breathing heavily)
(suspenseful music continues)
(feet tapping)
-Anything?
-No.
(Sam whimpers)
(hopeful music)
Is someone there?
Is someone? Cincy?
Cincy! Cincy!
Cincy! Cincy!
Please, somebody help me!
Please help me.
(Sam shrieks and whimpers)
Cincy! Please help me.
Cincy help me.
(Sam shrieking)
Help! Help, please help me.
Please.
Please somebody help.
Cincy! Cincy, please.
Get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
Sam, what the f*ck?
He's gonna light me on f*cking fire.
He's gonna light me on f*cking fire.
(Sam whimpering hysterically)
Cincy, please help.
(Sam shrieking and sobbing)
Uh uh uh. I don't f*cking think so.
Did you bring water g*ns?
What am I? A gremlin?
I'm not allowed to get wet?
It's not Acula. It's a ritual.
It's a ritual.
13th k*ll.
What is she talking about?
He's not Acula.
He's not raising Princess Acula either.
This ritual will call
King Acula to the world
and he'll rule for eternity.
It's the 13th blood sacrifice.
(Sam sobbing)
We are f*cked!
(ominous music)
You're too late.
This as*h*le!
What? Are you kidding me?
(scoffs) You guys didn't know
it was me the whole time.
I wasn't even trying to hide it.
I k*lled 12 people, you f*cking idiot.
Oh, I just don't know. Whew.
Are we gonna blast this f*ck or what?
Why don't we just kick this dude's a*s?
Won't matter. He's at 12.
Doesn't matter who the 13th k*ll is.
If anyone dies here tonight, Acula rises.
You know what?
f*ck this guy. NARC's right.
Let's just kick his f*cking a*s.
(laughs) Now we're talking.
(metal clangs)
Oh damn. Oh sh*t.
-(tense music)
-[Sam] No, Cincy.
f*ck you, Cincy.
(whimpers) No!
Oh no. (sobbing)
Cincy Nerd, you arrogant f*ck.
They came to save you with water g*ns.
I k*lled 12 people.
12 people!
And they came to save you with water g*ns.
What the f*ck?
You stupid f*ck!
I bet you were making videos on the way.
I bet you were toy
hunting on the way here.
What the f*ck is the matter with you?
Welcome to the Jordan Show.
And this is Jordan's favorite scary movie.
You all disgust me.
You think you could just
get away with it too?
Everyone just lets you get
away with it all the time.
But not Jordan.
Wait, he's not Acula?
You Look for someone that's
maybe down on his luck,
needs a few bucks and
then you rip him off.
But that's not even what bothered me.
And you're just as bad as that.
(Sam whimpers)
That's not even what bothered me.
What bothered me is that you
go on the f*cking internet
and call me a f*ck.
Do I look like a f*cking f*ck?
Do I look like a f*cking f*ck?
Do I look like a f*cking f*ck?
Do I? No.
(chuckles) You social media influencers,
you vloggers, you collectors,
all of you think it's so cool
to just go around, make videos,
try to take advantage of your fans.
Tell 'em what to do, what to watch,
what to wear, what to buy.
For what?
To sell more ad time.
And then even today, with every k*ll,
you promoted more and
more of your own agenda.
(Sam sobbing)
Oh wait, there's more.
I almost forgot to tell you the best pa-
(door thuds)
You have the right to remain silent.
(g*nshots banging)
(Sam gasping)
Forever!
(somber music)
Cincy?
Cincy!
Cincy get me out here.
Please get help.
(ominous music)
Oh, honey, Cincy's not here anymore.
What?
The name's King Acula And you're fired.
(Sam screaming)
(flames hissing)
No! See ya.
(Sam screaming)
Ah! Sam!
Oh Jesus.
(sighs) That was a f*cked up dream.
Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna go check my subs.
(water splattering)
(toothbrush scraping)
(egg sizzling)
Craig. Holy sh*t, dude.
Oh my God. It's so good to see you.
Yeah, dude, it's great to see you too.
You, you all right?
I'm okay, dude.
I, I had a f*cked up dream last night
and it's just really good to see you.
Anyway, I'm here for
the neck of pre-orders,
but I gotta take a sh*t.
-Oh.
-And I am afraid
-of that bathroom.
-Yeah.
-I'm gonna use Horror Freak's bathroom.
-For sure, man.
Go around the back.
-Yeah.
-Go through the back.
Because there's some old man in there.
Creepy a*s old man.
I'm pretty sure he's flashing Eric
and I think they're f*cking, dude.
[Cincy] Ooh. What the frick?
Yeah. I don't know.
It's weird sh*t, but just
giving you a heads up.
Yeah. f*ck creepy a*s
old men, dude. Right?
Yeah f*ck creepy a*s old man, dude.
Good job, buddy.
That's why you are my NARC.
You're my NARC!
Nerd. That's why you're my Cincy Nerd.
(sinister music continues)
This is no ordinary witching board.
This is a vessel board.
It has been in my family for decades,
and it was last used to trap the presence
of a demon princess by the name of Acula.
Acula?
Acula?
(sinister music)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not f*cking again.
f*cking sh*t on myself.
Eric don't take that g*dd*mn board.
(upbeat music)
Whatever happened to predictability,
the milkman, the paper
boy, the evening TV.
Wow, that is awesome.
It's gotta be. This is amazing.
We could use this for
Ashley's going away party.
Do a seance and everything.
Yeah, freak the sh*t out
of everybody. I like it.
Ash, babe, let's go.
No way. This is your last night here.
You need to spend it with us.
(door creaks)
Hey, you losers want to drink some beer
and do a seance tonight?
Hey, Eric's trying to
resurrect a girlfriend.
A what?
Cool.
Girls bring the candles. All right.
It's the cry of the Banshee
Just like a siren's call
It's the cry of the Banshee
Are you ready to fall
It's the cry of the Banshee
She is leading me on
It's the cry of the Banshee
Such a beautiful song
(rock guitar music)
Sha Nana na na Nana na na na
Sha na na na na
Sha Nana na na Nana na na na
Sha na na na na
Sha Nana na na Nana na na na
Sha na na na na
Sha Nana na na Nana na na
(soft suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
(suspenseful music continues)
(suspenseful music continues)
(suspenseful music continues)
(suspenseful music continues)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music fades)
God, I don't even, I know
how to talk about this.
Earlier tonight, we
started getting reports in
that there was a m*ssacre.
I, I don't know what to do
other than at this point just pray.
Pray that the police
figure out what's going on
so they can put an end to it.
I wish I had more answers
than that, but I don't.
So...
Anyway, uh, guys, uh, just be sure
to hit that like button, subscribe
and um, bell notifications,
and also uh, down below, leave a comment.
Let me know what you
think about the massacres.
Stay strong and I'll see
you on the next video.
Cool.
Um. Hey, Jay.
Yo. Hey, man.
Empty out the van.
(chuckles) Do you even
realize how many toys
and games are about to be
on the market right now?
Retro.
Woo. Jackpot.
Let's go!
(eerie music)
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Retro Freaks II (2025)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters