03x02 - Happy Anniversary, You Silly Billy!

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour

Before third year properly started
we got matched with supervisors

to guide us after class in our
final project - le dissertation.

I got Tim -

which was gonna be OK cause
I was now no longer a virg,

and decided to stop all
silly childish crushes

on unavailable older men.

Corinne got American
PhD student Eleanor,

a media regulations expert who
took everything very seriously,

refused to abide
by the smoking ban

and was trying out
natural deodorant.

And finally you got...

Kelly.

Danny. Er, what? Why
we saying our names?

Oh, I dunno - but, hi.

No. So, have I got
you? Are you ser...?

Why is no-one at this university
taking my education seriously?

Yeah, got me, baby.
Staffing cuts.

Christ. Kelly, can you get
out of my chair, please?

Right, plop yourself down then,

I've got us some Oreos
and a couple of CapriSuns.

No, Kelly, not you.

Can you go to the pub or something,
like a normal 16-year-old?

SHE SIGHS

Now...

Did you know that
Oreos are vegan?

So, guys, the competition
this week, Well and Truly,

is a package for
rest and relaxation

where you and a partner
could win three nights' stay

at this gorgeous country estate.

Where are all of my past
non-shite dissertations?

Just imagine it...

..Jack.

Three nights of shagging Tim.

Going from the jet
spa bubble bath

to a king size water-bed.

Goin' riiiight at it.

Right, Jack, talk to
me about your big D.

What?

What area are you thinking
about right now, exploring?

Don't say a**l.

Just don't say a**l.
Say anything but a**l.

a**l.

I said a**l.

f*ck's sake, he said a**l.

Did you just say. "a**l"?

No, no, no, I-I...

I'm just being a**l. My God.

I'm trying to be organised now as,
like, the final year... Thank you.

..my dissertation idea is, um...

"To Bum or Not To Bum:

"A study into the
representation of h*m*

"within mainstream
media depictions".

"When a**l's involved,

"is h*m* intimacy
always the butt of the joke?"

Right, wow.

Jack, I'm almost impressed.

Thanks, Tim.

Did Corinne help you
come up with that?

No!

"Better Together
or Stronger Apart:

"an analysis into the media bias

"of the Scottish
Independence Referendum.

"Were we spun lies to secure
a continued oppressive union?"

Other ideas?

No. OK.

So, you're 21.

Tell me about yourself.
Drink, smoke, drugs?

That's none of your business.

Yes, to all three,
then. OK. Relationship?

No, Yes. I am in one, but...

OK, bisexual woman
with a boyfriend.

How did you know
that? Star sign?

Stop. I'm sorry,
what's going on?

You're supposed to be
helping me plan my thesis

for the next nine months, not
asking me about my personal life.

OK? You're nothing but a
midwife of academic practice,

so stop being nosey and let's get
interrogating this topic, please.

Hmm.

OK so your "topic".

Not to be harsh,

but maybe get the f*ck over it?

This dissertation should be more
than an overly emotional anthology

of personal intellectual ideas,

and should be a robust manifesto
for the rest of your career.

So, stop focusing on
what keeps you trapped

and perhaps utilise
this as an opportunity

to ponder that which
forces you open.

But that's just my advice...

..to any Virgos in the room.

Spoiler. Natural deodorant
does naaaat work.

Ohh... Yeah, I ain't got a
scooby what to write my disso on.

You know, not a f*cking scoobs.

Well, that's not
the attitude, is it?

It's Scooby-Doo,
not Scooby-Don't.

Hmmm. Let's think what
area of the media -

so, print or broadcast -
do you personally enjoy?

Well, you know, time to time
I'll read a... dirty mag.

I'll write that down. Yeah.
Actually, do you know what?

Recently I've really got
into the film Billy Elliot.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it's legit good.

And what d'you feel like
you learnt from your degree?

I mean... honestly,
sometimes, f*ck all.

Danny! If you haven't got
anything nice to say...

Then you're probably a right
laugh. That's what my nan says.

Aww, how is she,
how is your nan?

Yeah, she's... Look I'm just...
I've a lot on my plate, you know?

I'm skint... you
know, my laptop's bust

cos I spilt a load of Maccys
strawberry milkshake all over it,

I'm in this new relationship

that I'm terrified that I'm
going to f*ck up all of the time,

you know, and I spunked all of
this money taking her to Greece,

that was hit-and-miss at best -

AND I just found out that
the BBC have sacked Clarkson.

They're filming Top
Gear with Chris Evans.

Oh, Christ.

Chris Evans?

THEY COO AND LAUGH

Right, you two, have
fun on your dates.

I'm going to miss you so,
so, so, so much! Now...

I got these down Watford
Market for you both.

Erm, Nan, people don't really
use r*pe alarms any more.

Why? Have blokes
stopped raping people?

Didn't f*cking think so.

Now put it in your bag
and don't answer me back.

Right, well you be
good girl for Nanny,

otherwise she'll be a
c**t to me tomorrow.

Oh, yes, she will.
Oh, yes, she will!

Ow.

Right, OK.

Sorry...

I just don't want
Russell to come round

and go, "Ooh, she's still in
love with her dead husband."

But are you?

Well, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, he said he's coming round
for a cosy night in on the sofa.

Oh!

OK, I cannot believe you've left
it this late to tell me that.

So, you can still get chlamydia,
you can still get herpes,

you can still get pregnant -

and lest we forget, he is
a mini cab driver, so...

Oh, Shan, I did the
menopause years ago.

Mm-mm, no, I
wouldn't be so sure -

cos I read about this
woman in Take A Break,

she thought she'd
menopaused in 2008 -

turns out, stressed
by the credit crunch.

And she went on to have twins.

Right!

I'm not wearing these
knock off Spanx!

I can't get into 'em.

Look, Peggy.

Sex with a new partner is different
nowadays, it requires some effort.

I haven't had sex with
anyone but Laurie since...

..Ronald Reagan.

Don't lie to me, Peggy.

You have not had sex
with Ronald Reagan.

Now pop on that
shapewear, please.

Lads do football,
or... boxing, or...

SNIFFLES: Oh, wow.

..wrestling.

Yeah, I honestly think you SHOULD do
your dissertation on little Billy.

Right? You know, I just relate
to it so much, Jules. Yeah.

Like his family are either
being dicks or getting nicked,

his nan's got Alzheimer's and
his best mate's a massive g*y.

I mean, it's basically my life.

Oh, it's already half
eight - oh, sorry,

actually, do you mind if we
finish this another time?

What?!

No! I'm going to be late
for my date with Corinne.

Oh, I didn't know you
were dating Corinne!

Yeah, it's our four
month anniversary.

Well, you know, just be careful,

because relationships at uni,
they can be very dangerous.

I mean, just look
at Wills and Kate.

But... Well, they got married?

I know, but she'll never
be Diana, will she?

And deep down, I
think she knows that.

Sorry, I just feel
very strongly about it.

Do you want a
ride? Yeah, please.

Kelly? Where's your e-scooter?

Hey, man. Oh, my God!

Hi. Wel...

Welcome to The Carhartt Tavern.

Come... Come on in.
My name's Marcus.

Erm, any problems bro, just
give me or my crew a shout,

and, erm...

Er, sick.

Thanks for com...
thanks for coming.

Oi-oi! Fancy seeing you here!

Hiya. So, lol, it's actually
our first date tonight.

No! Yeah. Hello,
Corinne. I'm Tariq.

Tariq. Yes, I know.

We... We literally just
went on holiday together.

I, I know, but a lot
people forget me.

Sh, Tariq, Tariq... I
think she's been stood up.

OK, I think we're just there.

Hello, love. Hi. Hello.
You all right? Come in!

Ooh, I'm starvin' marvin, let's have
a butcher's at these menus, yeah?

Oh, yeah. I love a
good Peking f*ck.

Duck, duck. Peking duck.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

All right? Yeah.

Sorry, where is everyone?

They're oddly celebrating
their four month anniversary.

It's very l*sbian
behaviour, if you ask me.

So, what do you
wanna do tonight?

Well, we've got the
place to ourselves.

I think you know.

Yemi, I...

I thought we weren't
gonna do that again.

Watch Billy Elliot without Danny
talking through every single line?

Yeah. That's what I meant.

f*ck!

CRASH

Babe, f*ck, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so -
honestly I'm so sorry, OK?

I just need to go to the bogs.

Oh! And then I'm all yours.
I promise, I'm sorry.

You're in the
doghouse, mate, OK?

So, I'd keep this heavily
discounted meal voucher

to yourself - and
whatever that is...

It's an e-scooter. Yep,
it's a massive turn off. OK?

All right. Thanks, Shan. Have
a good night. You look great.

Thank you, I know.

Jack, before we watch, sit.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, God.

Is this cos my
dissertation's on a**l?

It won't mention you, I promise.

No. I've taken your
choice of topic

as a symbol of how
much I've inspired you.

I wanna drop out of uni.

Oh, God, I've heard
that one before.

No, I'm serious this time.

I don't think I
can do third year.

Really?

Term starts on Monday, so I need
to make a decision this weekend

before I get 9k deeper into
Student Finance England debt.

Come on, then, let's
get the whiteboard out.

I made Yemi first list all
the reasons he should leave,

hoping that ending
on reasons to stay

would persuade him
to do just that.

Woohoo, another
reason to leave -

the SU shop has stopped selling
white chocolate Maltesers.

No, I will not write that down!

They've been
discontinued nationwide.

It's getting boring,

you keep sharing change.org
campaigns about it.

OK, fine, I'm bored here.

My course is teaching
me sh*t I already know.

Bored of course.

Also everyone on my
course idolises me.

Yesterday I was stopped
in the street by freshers

begging me for a selfie.

Someone has a lower
back tattoo of my name.

You're a BNOC.

Ugh! I need to be challenged.

I need to be around real fashion

and the vicious,
competitive, horrific people

who make up my dream industry.

Not just students

who've already conceded to
my higher levels of talent.

Look, I have a vision, Jack.

I don't want some shitty
junior fashion job.

I wanna to set up my
own independent label.

And I wanna do it now.

We've got one more year left.

And Danny...

Danny only listens to you.

Right, I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

No, but I just had
so much to do today,

I'm, look, that e-scooter
is naaat mine, all right?

Will you just sit down, please?

I just - I was talking to
Jules for, like, an age,

and I still don't know what
to do my dissertation on -

and I'm gutted, cos I
can't do it on Billy Elliot

cos apparently some gimp done
it last year... Look, I'm sorry.

Right, no - shut
up. Shut up, Danny.

OK? I want you to leave.

Through that door, f*ck
off outside, shake it off,

then come back in here
like you weren't late.

OK? I want a proper date with
the proper Danny, please.

Sorry, enjoy your evening.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary,
you silly billy.

There was sh*t everywhere. Mm.

I have never seen such
quantities of human poo -

and we just had to pretend
like it wasn't happening. Yeah.

But it STANK.

And, you know, those Irish
midwives, they knew it, too.

Sorry to be a n*zi,

but you've only got about 45
minutos left at le tablah,

so, if ya wanna order some
yummy scrummy grubby wubby,

then do so now, buddy!

Sorry, you haven't... you haven't
given us any menus, though?.

It's all on the
chalky-B, my man.

Yes. That illegible board.

Yeah, it's like a small
plates kinda sitch,

so, um, I'd recommend, um...

What is it? Four, five...?
Eight plates per pers.

Per person?! They - they're
like nine quid each.

Now, can I do some
recommendations?

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

OK. Well, I'd recommend
the vegan sweet beets -

or, for my old-skool
meat eaters,

the bad boy bresaola
bread board,

which comes with a
"lads-back-from-Primavera-

"needs-a-snacky-wacky-croquetta
stacky",

and some tiny, tiny
slices of sourdough

which have a perfectly
toasted Carhartt logo on top.

I didn't understand a word of
that. Have you got, like, burgers?

Yeah. You do?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, OK,
that's fine. Let's just...

The Salomon sneaker
steak slider.

Sneak... Sneaker? Salomon
sneaker steak slider.

What, like a trainer?

Yes, like a trainer,
but it's a burger.

Mm, I'm all out of wine!

CREAKING

Oh...

Oh, f*ck it. Oh, my God!

Shannon, she gave me
terrible knock-off Spanx.

Thank God, I thought
you had osteoarthritis.

Which, you know, I'd be all
right with and all that, but...!

Well, no, not yet.

So...

Let me take it all
off. Will you help me?

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

I can take off some of
mine off at the same time.

No, no, I mean...

..help me off the sofa, Russell!

Oh, gosh, yeah, sorry!

OK. OK?

Yeah? Yeah.

Literally the only one reason I
haven't left already is because...

..annoyingly, I love you all.

And I am happy here...

..but it's not enough.

Then, Yems...

..you need to go.

Me coming to uni was the
scariest thing I've ever done -

not cos I was the first
in my family to go,

nor cause I knew I
secretly liked c*ck, but...

..I didn't wanna leave
my mum all by herself...

Yeah, I understand that.

..but I had to put
my own future first -

and that's what you have to do.

Even though I'll
miss you so much.

Yemi, you've always been the most
talented one out of all of us.

Don't tell Corinne.

Hey, come here.

Right, I don't want
you paying for me, OK?

So I insist we go Dutch.

Snap.

Double Dutch!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! Come on,
you go for it, love.

No, you have it.
No, no. It's yours.

Seriously, Russell,
your cr*cker!

I could feed it to ya.

Yes!

Mm!

Oh, sorry!

KNOCKING Agh! Agh!

LAUGHS: Did I make
you jump? Yeah?

What are you do..?

What are you watching, a
scary movie or something?

We're watching Billy Elliot.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Come on, mate. Come
on, you can do this.

She snogged you.

You're round her gaff and you've
spent �85 on a dog sitter.

Tonight could be the night.

Oh, sorry love. No, don't worry.

Just gonna freshen up.

Oh, yeah, great, yeah.

Well, freshen away.

Thank you! OK!

Laurie...

Sorry, Jules, why are you here?

Er, just came to drop
something off for Danny,

Er, sorry, lads,

please tell me I
am not looking at

one of the university's
many missing whiteboards?!

Er... No. Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, my God!

Yemi, is this true?

Do you really think I'm creepy?

No. Oh, my God, no,
no - I, I didn't...

Jack, I said... I said "cheeky".

Cheeky. Cheeky.
Jack can't spell.

Oh, OK, that makes sense.

Cos I was like... creepy?!

In what way?!

Why's it, um, a
reason to leave...?

Oh, my God, Yemi,
are you dropping out?

And I haven't taken
this decision lightly.

Unlike Jack, who keeps banging on
about being the first in his family

to go to university, I'm actually
gonna be the first in my family

not to graduate university.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

So, can I stay living
here for a bit?

My parents are going to
be very angry with me

and I need to figure out how
I'm going to tell the others.

To be perfectly
honest with you, Yemi,

if you hadn't just said
you were dropping out,

I would have asked
you to leave anyway.

What? This uni has a bit
of a reputation for fashion

and the reputation is that the best
people come and then drop out -

and anyone who stays is - is a
bit of a loser, to be honest!

You've been here 13 years.

Yeah, I know, but I'm wasn't
a fash-ist girlie, was I?

I was a business and
languages boff, thank you.

High 2:1, scraped by.

Um, well, I'll
sort the paperwork,

and, um, you can stay
here till Crimbo -

but then I'm chucking
you out onto the streets!

Only joking!

But I'm not... Oh -

that is when you have to
vacate the premises, actually,

so I'm not joking
about that bit.

SHE YAWNS

Oh...

Oh, dear, I think
I'm tired, Russell.

Yeah, it's all that MSG.

I think it's my bedtime.

Oh...

Thanks for a lovely
night, though.

I've honestly had
the best night.

Yeah? Yeah!

You look so handsome.

Like, gruff and manly.

Same. I mean, not...

It's like the best first
date I've ever had.

Are we adding any tip, my guys?

Absolutely not, no.

Do you maybe wanna
come back to mine?

I've got a large jar of
Nutella and two teaspoons.

Ooh, make them tablespoons and,
yeah, I might just do, Mr Millar.

Yeah?!

NAN: Peggy, what you doing?

Hello?

Your house is only


so, I might've been occasionally
listening in to your date.

This is so invasive.

Look, you've gotta
stop getting cold feet.

You can do this, girl.

You need your birthday,
you need the time

and then the place
that you were born.

The place? Yes.

Yes, like the hospital.
What's that got to do with it?

Flippin' hell!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!

You... You know that voucher
you just discreetly gave to me?

Right, OK. Yeah.

It says the QR code's
already been used.

What?

Used earlier by ShanandNanNigans

PartyPlannersLimited
Incorporated@Gmail.com.

f*ck's sake.

Don't worry, we'll
just split it.

No, no. It's all
right, I've got this.

OK, so, it's �136, please.

Is it?

OK.

Oh, it's too much to tap.

Right, cos it's �136.

Danny, please can
we just split it?

Absolutely not, all right?
f*ck - just f*ck off.

Mazing.

See you later. See ya.

Look, don't apologise.
We don't have time.

I'm just glad you invited
me back, because...

..I gambled on a bluey, and.

Ooh, Russell!

Have I shown you my
new velvet ottoman?

Not yet, no.

It's velvet. From Dunelm.

Oh, my God, you know exactly
what to say to a man.

Never tell me to f*ck off.

No...

Come on, I wasn't telling you to,
like, "f*ck off" f*ck off, was I?

I meant like, "f*ck off!"

OK, I'm sorry, all right?
I'm just - I'm skint,

and the money my nan saved for
her care is running out, and...

Look, I'm probably gonna have
to start w*nk*ng on cam soon.

Mr King, I've had my
loan come through,

so we are splitting the bill -

and that doesn't emasculate you,

it just means we are
an equal couple, OK?

OK.

You're like a child!

OK, I do have some bad news.

Hit me. I'm nearly 30,

I've got indigestion, and
I'm too full to have sex.

Oh, thank God. Same.

But, good news -

we can watch a film
on my new... laptop.

What?! Yeah, Jules
gave me a free MacBook.

She said there was
one going spare

cos one of the dyslexic
students left for !sis, so...

Oh, for goodness' sake!

If we just properly
supported the dyslexic kids,

maybe they wouldn't
feel the need

to have to join a
t*rror1st organisation.

I love you.

You love me?

What?

You love me, mate?

f*ck off.