03x03 - Thin Lips, Fat Lines & a Poem on Princess Di

[bunniefuu]

Trigger warning - this ep does
pertain to a period of my past.

I have since expressed
immense personal regret.

Otherwise known as the
time I tried to be a poet.

♪ MC am I people call me Uff

♪ When I rock the
party you bust a nut

♪ Feadz is breaking out the beat

♪ sh*t be hotter than me

♪ Me and he our crew's a militia

♪ Better watch out
my clan gets... ♪

MUSIC: Perfect 10 By
The Beautiful South

Sometimes my songs would cut out

because I'd stupidly linked my
Spotify to my mum's Amazon Alexa.

Alexa, turn the
volume up by three.

Thanks, hon.

She'd always be asking for a
song I knew reminded her of dad,

so I'd let her hijack my Spotify

to remember him, cos I'm nice

and I was too tight to pay
for a premium family account.

Oh, Jack!

I'm so excited to
start my day with you.

Aw, are you?

No, of course not. Why
are you wearing a beret?

I'm just tryin' somethin' out.

Can't you try meow meow or PureGym,
like the rest of the kids your age?

Well, I'm figuring out who I am.

Oh, I see. Final
year panic, is it?

The big bad world awaits
and suddenly you realise

you need "a thing" to be
noticeable, to be employable.

But sadly, Jack...

..in your quest for individuality
you have committed the cardinal sin.

What? You've become pretentious.

No, I haven't.

What you holding?

A sustainable coffee cup,

a copy of the New Yorker

and a new Muji
notebook for my...

..poetry.

HE SUCKS IN AIR

{\an7}QUIET MURMURING

Welcome all.

My name is Bamboo Armitage

and you, creative
writing comrades,

have chosen this eight-week
spoken-word course

to find your voice. Because
your voice is important.

Not as important as my voice

but hopefully it'll be
a bit more important

than it was before.

And with that importance,

this course will culminate
in a sharing of our voices,

as we tell our urgent,

vital and our-thentic truths,

which ultimately...

..it's important.

And this was where I first
got hooked on big fat lines

of poetry.

♪ The pop the GL*CK,
the GL*CK you pop

♪ Pop the GL*CK,
the pop the GL*CK

♪ The pop the GL*CK

♪ The GL*CK you pop. ♪

What the actual f*ck?

That boy has started taking
himself very seriously.

Look, I've seen this all before.

Someone, they start writing
poems, and all of a sudden it's,

"Oh, come to my
spoken word gig."

"Ooh, come to my one-man show."

"Ooh, please, no, no, come to
a mouldy ramshackle arts space

"in the arse-end of nowhere, I've
made a play about my dead dad."

Oh! It's terrifying.

I'm serious, right? We need
to nip this in the bud now.

Oh, stop it!

I'm excited to see his spoken
word showcase tomorrow.

Although has anyone actually
heard any of his poems?

Yeah, I've read some.
Look, they're decent, but

I don't know why he's got to
be such a w*nk*r about it.

Why can't he do something
cool, like learn to DJ.

One man's DJ is another
man's w*nk*r, Danny.

WHISPERS: Sh, he's coming.

Guys, Tim's just accused
me of becoming pretentious.

Yeah, I'm glad someone's
finally told you.

I'm not pretentious. You
are a poet, all of a sudden.

Yeah, and you've stopped
watching X Factor.

Well, they've replaced
Louis with Rita Ora.

What?! Urgh!

This country has gone to pot!

Honestly!

Like, first it's
Clarkson off Top Gear,

Walsh is off X Factor.
I'm telling ya,

Phillip Schofield's going to be
off This Morning before we know it.

Jack, can I borrow you, please?

Can you not stress everyone
out? I'm telling them today.

Oh, finally. You've
had three months,

and the secrets and the
lies are k*lling me.

Thank God I've had writing
my truth as an outlet.

Sh.

I want to tell them before
your poetry gig tomorrow,

when they'll be
really depressed.

How dare you? Look, telling
them is a big deal for me.

And also, I can't come
to tomorrow because...

..well, honestly, I don't
want to, but, also...

..I leave Saturday.

Saturday. Yemi, what?

I've found somewhere to live.

So can you please try
to be happy for me

and I will try to support your
descent into the spoken word.

OK.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Two words.

Anoushka Delafonte says I need
to take a pregnancy test - again!

Ffff! Urgh!

I knew I looked too
sexy at Halloween.

I have literally gone out

and bought three bottles
of Mint Baileys for Crimbo.

I can't drink a drop now.
It's an absolute farce.

Stay calm. No, I am
supposed to be launching

ShanAndNanlgans Party
Planners L-T-D Incorporated

in Q2 of 2K16, Peggy.

SHE SIGHS I've kind of
found it hard enough

with one baby. I know doll,
but you've done so well.

Oh, f*ck! f*ck!

I literally went to the
charity shop yesterday,

I've given away all my
baby and maternity clothes.

That's 400 quid down the drain.

I'm not even a charitable
person, Peggy. Do you know?

I just needed space for
my crushed velvet ottoman.

Ooh, let's see?

Dunelm? Dunelm.

Oh, Tariq's going to go insane.

He's going to flip his lid.

He won't be angry, loves.

Precisely.

He's going to be buzzing
off his t*ts about it,

Peggy. He loves it.
He loves all this,

he loves prams and nappies
and Ella's Kitchen.

Right, first things first,

I've got to get back
down that chazza shop.

I've got to get all
that sh*t right back.

You can't do that, Shan.

I know I can't.

Well, I shouldn't be
driving, not in my condition.

You just drove here! Yes, but
I wasn't pregnant then, was I?

GONG CHIMES

Thank you, Brigitte,
for sageing the room.

Much appreciated.

My spoken word circle
were a mixed bag,

so I started taking notes
on them. There was...

So you're telling me, Di
and Dodi died in a tunnel?

Ha! You must be 'avin' a bubble!

She were trouble, can't you see?

Potentially pregnant
with a baby.

She was a threat to
our great monarchy.

And as waves hit the
tips of my breasts,

covered in sulphur,

my dreams pickled in vinegar.

So we roll.

Two's up, I say.

Love is love.

Hate is love misguided,

derided and spat out of
lips that just need...

HE BREATHES

..to be kissed.

Lucien was the main reason
I stayed on this course

and the main reason I bought
a seven-and-a-half inch beret

off eBay.

Wow. FINGERS SNAP

Now Jack.

WHISPER: Yeah.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

When I was 14...

Ooh. Nope.

I... started wrong, dude.

Shoulders back.
perform that truth.

When I was 14...

No.

Erm...

It needs to feel

like whatever
you're about to say

is coming from your
authentic core.

IMITATING BAMBOO:
When I was 14...

Yes! Boom.

Boom. That's it.

I don't need to hear you
again until the sharing,

cos I know you've got it.

So as I got ready
to bare my truth,

Yemi finally bared his.

Are you sure I can keep this?

I feel like Shirley Bassey.

Now come, sit, we need to talk.

I really hoped it was a phase, but
I can't help my feelings any more.

Yems, are you coming out,
cos... I sorta know, babe?

I'm less coming out... Hmm.

...and more...
dropping out of uni.

SHE GASPS

I'm really happy for you,
but I am going to miss ya.

Yeah, me too.

But, Yems, we've only
a few months left.

I quit uni back in September.

You've been making me help you
with your final year project!

I've been making bits
for my Depop page.

I'll always be there
for you, Danny.

I'm just... I'm just
going to be in...

Paris?! He didn't tell me that.

God.

Urgh, it's all coming
to an end, isn't it?

Hmm.

I'm sort of excited
to escape London too.

Really? Yeah.

I miss Edinburgh.

And the only time
I get to go back

is when f*ck-face annoying
show-offs from London

take over the city each
summer with their shite plays.

You know Jack wants to
take some of his poems

up there next year? He's
part of the f*ck' problem!

Hey, I might do a
play. Oh, stop it.

I feel like... you and me will
be made long distance work.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you know,
you go back for the summer,

I could stay down here,

find a little cheeky gaff
for us two in London.

I could even, like, scout
out for journalism jobs.

No, I'm...

I want to do a
master's... in Edinburgh.

Ohhh.

OK.

Cool.

Yeah.

Hmmmm.

Could I live in Edinburgh?

No, Danny, just I'D move there.

I'll be 22. I want to have
a final year of student life

in my home city, just
getting pissed up,

before I solidly set my path to
making the "30 under 30s" list.

Yeah.

I'll see you loads.

Hmm.

Hey, we... we don't have
to talk about this now.

Yeah? Let's just...

Let's just be.

Oh, my God, OK, there's my bag.

Right, listen, you
just grab it and go

and I'm just going to distract
them by knocking something over

with my arse or
something. No, I am not.

Go. Ask that woman
there. She looks nice.

Just be polite. Go.

Good afternoon, madam.
How are we today?

Fine, thank you.

Just doing our little bit in
the daily fight against cancer.

Hmm, good, good.

Erm, so, yesterday I came in

and I made a cheeky
little donaysh,

but, erm, stupidly I gave you
clothes that I actually need back.

So that's... that's
my bag there.

OK, well, yeah, you can take it.

Great, thank you.

Did you know, though, that one
in two will now get cancer?

Will they really?

That's... That's awful.

Did you know that the government are
doing little to reduce waiting times

for those needing treatment?

That doesn't surprise
me, do you know,

because I've really starting
to go right off David Cameron.

Him and Sam Cam
have such thin lips

and it's just like never
someone with thin lips!

People say I have thin lips.

No. Do they?

I don't know why
they're saying that.

That's mad. You've got...
lovely big luscious lips,

I thought, when I came in.

Children can get cancer too.

Er, 'scuse me. My niece
needs these clothes

and she was being very generous,

so back off a little bit.

Sure. Thank you.

It's just a shame, because
we need to sell clothes

in order to continue our
vital research into cancer.

Well, you clearly didn't do
your cancer research properly,

did you, love?

Else I wouldn't have had
to bury my f*cking husband!

You aggy little cunting
bitchy f*cking w*nk*r!

Have that. Thank you.

Goodnight, goodnight.

SHE WAILS

Honestly, Pegs don't be upset.

It's Christmas.

You know, quite
honestly, she WAS being

an aggy f*cking nasty
little manipulative b*tch.

OK, so I've brought in

some newspaper cuttings.

I don't care.
How's it all going?

Well, I'm thinking
that my new topic is

no more page three -

a campaign to end the
objectification of women

in the mainstream
news media. No.

No? No. I want to know how
your relationship is going.

I'd rather talk about
my dissertation, please.

They're the same thing.
They're certainly not.

Don't answer me back. They
are identical projects

that you are pursuing.

At your age, everything is research.
So tell me, how is it going?

I just feel anxious, like a lot.

Why?

Well, cos it's final year
and she's talking about

master's courses and
grad schemes and...

I just don't want to lose her.

And how does that make you feel?

Like I'm at uni to pursue stuff,

towards my own future,
obviously. And we...

Both really love each
other. I know we do.

And I don't want her to think
that this is just some, like,

temporary uni thing, and
then, like, Yemi's leaving

and there's the dissertation,

and it's made me panic that
everything's coming to an end

and I don't know what
the f*ck I'm going to do.

Well, I don't know that feeling,

because I famously stayed on
at Brent Uni for 13 years.

But... I mean, you'll be fine.

It's scary but you'll figure it.

Yeah. I just don't want to go back
to Kent and make nothing of myself.

Well, believe it or not,

there are some people in Kent who
are very happy and successful.

I mean, it's not
loads but it's some.

I'm so sorry about earlier.

I just keep getting these texts
from Russell and I just...

Peggy...

You've been ghosting him.

No, I haven't. I just haven't
had the words to reply.

Have you gone off him since
you watched his episode

of Come Dine With
Me? No, but...

I think the edit really
did him dirty there,

and I don't think he realised he was
being that culturally insensitive.

I liked his hat. But it's mine
and Laurie's 30-year anniversary

this Christmas and I'm just...

Sorta made me realise that...

..Russell ain't the one for me.

Yeah, well, that's OK.

I think that's why I sort of
had a meltdown in the shop.

I'm in the real anger
stage of grief maybe,

where I haven't got the time

for anyone's stupid
f*cking bullshit, you know?

OK, yeah.

But let's watch your language
in front of Lauren, though,

Peggy, please, because they're
very corruptible at that age.

GENTLE SNORING

PHONE BEEPS

BEEP

MUSIC PLAYS

INCOMING CALL BEEPS

INCOMING CALL BEEPS

Hi, Mum. You OK?

Did my song come through to you?

I'm sorry. I just needed
a little pick-me-up.

Broke up with
Russell last night.

Oh, no.

I just won't love him
like I did your dad.

I'd rather be on me own than
force it with the wrong bloke.

And now Shan's gone
and you've gone,

I just think I need to find
myself a bit, you know.

Of course.

So, I've booked a ticket

to go travelling
round South America.

What?!

Kidding.

Nah, I'm going to
bingo with Nan later.

Now, in case it goes badly tonight,
do you want to read a poem of mine?

Nah.

There was a man from Harrow

Who tried to have
sex with a sparrow

The sparrow said, "No,
You can't have a go

"Cos the 'ole in my
arse is too narrow."

HE ENDS CALL

Hello?

So, before my poetry reading, we
had one more reading to go to.

Yemi's will.

To Jack, I leave sanitised and
sterilised sexual paraphernalia

from my webcamming box.

Right, thank you, Yemi.

To Corinne, I leave my
unexpired condoms and lube...

OK. Why?

WHISPERS: Cos your
room's next to mine

and I haven't heard
any action in weeks.

And to Danny... I leave all the
stuff straight boys from Grindr

have left in my room.

OK, yeah, protein powder.

HE GASPS

A Caffe Nero loyalty card
and it's nearly complete!

Nuts magazine?

Wow.

They just don't make quality print
media like this any more, you know.

Yemi, we'll definitely
come and visit

as soon as our dissos are done.

Yeah, yeah, and, like,
we'll come in June

and we'll do
FaceTime calls and...

Look... I love you all.

But we're gonna grow
and find new friends,

other friends,

and that's OK.

I won't leave be leaving the
Blue Shed WhatsApp group,

but I can't promise I
won't put it on mute.

Yemi! You can't
mute Blue Sheddies.

Friends, comrades,

I'm Bamboo Armitage.

SNIGGERING

I won't say too much because
today is about a safe space

for the creative
exchange of fresh words

from new voices

and brave perspectives.

And someone who is all three

is our first poet.

Please welcome Daisy Mould.

FINGERS CLICK

What's with all the clicking?

I don't know. Just do
it. Why are you doing it?

This piece is called
Princess Die, Die, Die

Let me tell you why, why, why...

Electra and her bulging t*ts

Eyes like Penelope's arse...

See it, say it, slaughtered

I'm drunk on the tube again...

A cheeky piece from me.

Smoked a little doob again...

This was part of a campaign

for a small multinational
corporate bank.

Haiku number 603.

604.

605.

It's called 'Sup To
My Fellow Commuters.

Here's to the sausage-munchers,

the boot-shiners,

the nine-to-fivers...

..and the dreamers...

f*cking white people.

Right, next up now
is the urgent, vital

and authentic voice of Jack.

FINGERS CLICK

Yes. Yay. Whoo.

Trigger warning... Go on, Jack.

This was a real poem I really
did perform... for real.

When I was 14

the McCanns lost their Maddie...

ALL GASP When I was 16,

cancer went and took my daddy

And when I was 18
everybody was a baddy

Cos what I'd lost

Could never now be found.

Ooh. Ooh-hoo.

You made a Madeleine McCann
joke. What no, it's a poem.

No, everyone thinks you made
a Madeleine McCann joke.

That's why the host threw a
three-minute silence for her.

Hmm, it was quite moving.

Oh, God, everyone needs
to get over themselves.

She's been gone years.

I was just trying to make the
point that my dad won't be found,

cos, like, he's
properly missing.

And...

..daddy rhymes with Maddie.

You, like, actually disgust me.

Oh, Lucien...

Jack... Oh...

Oh! Oh, f*ck all you,

you bunch of oversensitive
stupid-named aggy little c...

Honestly, mate, don't get upset.

It's Christmas!

Look, they were just being

oversensitive, pretentious rich
kids doing fake Hackney accents.

Apart from that
Princess Diana girl -

she was switched on.

Cooeeeey!

Don't do that. CLATTERING

Did someone call
for the Elton John?

Oh, Jules, I've finally got
my topic, by the way. Oooh.

Yeah, I'm doing it on the
death of the lads' mag.

Oh, my God. I used to
love Nuts magazine.

Everyone said it was
really misogynistic

but they used to pay me so well.

GENTLE MUSIC

And so as part of
Yemi's last wishes,

he asked for a nonverbal
yet fittingly emotional

final goodbye,

and that's what we gave him.

Uh! Yemi, wait.

Oi! Dickhead!

What the f*ck am I
gonna do without you?

You're going to look
after those boys. Yeah.

You're gonna have an
amazing last term.

You're gonna be fine.

Check your inbox. I've sent
you my private Instagram.

Don't tell them.

Why the f*ck haven't I had
that for the last three years?!

All right, I got you a
little Christmas pressie,

and I'm sorry, cos I know that
wee drifted these last few months.

No, mate, I... I
owe you an apology.

I was just a bit jealous
you were coupled off

and I was feeling lonely.

Well, I'm sorry that I
laughed when your poetry book

got knocked into the
lake on your birthday.

Wait, how did you know
about my poetry book?

Well, I knew you were
secretly writing last year,

and then when you were drying
you bag on the radiator,

I had a sneaky look and I
copied it all out for you again.

And them stories and poems about
your dad, mate, they're brilliant.

I mean, sure you
ain't taking the piss?

Mate, hands up, honestly.

I mean, look, poetry literally makes
my arsehole go up inside myself

and you need to retire that
Maddie McCann poem yesterday.

Took me f*cking
ages, so be careful.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

SHE SIGHS

I'm just going to
really miss him.

Hello!

Hi, friends. Yes...

So just a slight
hitch in my plans.

There's actually weekend
engineering works on the tube

so I can't go anywhere.
STIRRING MUSIC

You have me for one more night.

CHEERING

You evil b...

Oh, sorry, yeah... It's a bit...
emosh, isn't it, that one? Yeah.

♪ MC am I, people call me up

♪ When I rock the
party, you bust a nut

♪ Feadz is breaking out the beat

♪ sh*t be hotter than me

♪ Me and he, our
crew's a militia

♪ Better watch out,
my clan gets vicious

♪ Bad-a*s b*tch, I'm rated X

♪ I'm gifted, ain't
gotta sell sex

♪ Cross the beach
onto the street

♪ Gotta work hard,
no room to cheat

♪ Crunk and grime,
that's my bloodline

♪ Feadz is mixing,
Uffie's shouting

♪ Uff is banging... ♪