01x03 - Daycare

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

[inaudible voice over speaker]

- This has to be the
best halloumi sandwich

I've ever tasted.

- Ah not, with the halloumi man,

you didn't even know what
it wasn't until yesterday.

Called it squeaky squares.

- Okay this isn't Glastonbury,
you've got a job to do

connecting with the community.

You two are the face of the service.

- Ooh, face of the
service, I like that job.

Takes ba*ls to admit
I'm the best, you know.

- You know where my best
paramedics are, Maleek?

Out there in ambulances.

- Yeah, well it's a team effort innit?

- A smiley face on the
balloon could do this.

Just try and make us look better

than the filth in the hose muckets, yeah?

[Maleek laughs]

- It's all right Jo, the people
'round here, they know me.

They look up to me.

- Oi, oi, you having a
threesome with a sex-doll, yeah?

[men laugh]

You men are perverts.

- I don't even need a sex-doll, blood,

cause I got your mother.

[man laughs]

- Yeah! And your gran.

- Whoa, what, no, never
the gran, what the hell?

That's disgusting.

[loud upbeat, groovy music]

Oh my god.

- Maleek.

- Yo, yo.

Yasmin.

Yes.

- Thought it was you.

- 10 points for you innit?

- You look well.

- I am. Yes.

- How do you two know each other?

- School.

- Complicated.

Well she's kinda my ex.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot we went out.

- As if you forgot year eight.

- Anthony, maybe you would
like to be a paramedic

like Maleek when you're older, hey?

- As, if. This guy looks some green pedo.

- Ha, wow. Manners.

You know me and your
mom, we go way back, bro.

- Me and your mom go way back.

- Anthony, how would you like to see what

a mangled leg looks like?

[upbeat music]

- You actually trained Jo.

- Oh, yeah.

- And now she's your boss.

How does that make you feel?

- The way I see it,

Jo's success is my success.

- But it's not really, is it?

She's got the power, the respect,

and you've got,

what?

- The warm, fuzzy feeling
that I put her on the path

to great things.

- And what path are you on?

- The Gary path, I guess.

- I don't want you to take
this the wrong way, but

I don't have time for the Gary path,

and if I did, I wouldn't step
on it because it's old, it's

crumbling and it doesn't go anywhere.

I need responsibility.

I need CAT1s.

I need the chance to shine

and I don't need a choccy
biccy break every five minutes.

- Oh.

You're on, huh. Greening up.

Let's hunt injury.

[upbeat drum music]

- How come you ain't
been about in so long.

We moved away, me and Anthony's dad,

you remember Jayden.

- Jayden from school?

He's a legend.

- He's a dickhead.

Turns out he was cheating
with like four other girls

at the same time.

- Oh-oh, fantasy.

Four.

- Why do I always go
for the bad boys, hey?

- Can we go see the fire
engine now, this is so drone.

- No, gotta get to work.

Jayden was meant to have
him, but he can't cause

there's new maps in Call of Duty.

- Ah, there's new maps, ah.

Ah, it's a big day.

- We can look after Anthony.

We're here all day anyway.

- What?

- Really? That'd be amazing.

Let me just get his stuff.

- What are you doing?

This is not like daddy daycare.

- If you're in with the
kid, you're in with the mom.

I'm setting you up with Yasmin.

- You only get one chance with Maleek.

- You can't close the door on love.

Look at me.

I've just been chatted up by a fireman.

- Fireman? They chat up everyone

and then just sit around
watching porn all day, look.

- Thank you so much.

- Oh. Okay. Yes. Cool. Just
saving the day as usual, yeah.

- Should I give you my
number for emergencies?

- Yeah. You need me to rule one this term.

- Still funny.

[Yasmin laughs]

Right.

- Okay.

- Right, see you later.

- [Wendy] Bye.

- 10. 11. Well.

[Maleek laughs]

- [Voice Over Speaker] Fifties
male with chest pains at the

Shay Dealing restaurant,
do you have the location?

- I'm just checking it now.

- Just press that one over there.

- When we used to have it on
a pad, it was so much easier.

You just have a pad.

[ambulance sirens ringing]

[upbeat music]

- He's not responding.

- He's arresting, Darrell, gimme beat.

♪ I'd be riding shot g*n, ♪

♪ underneath the hot sun
feeling like a someone. ♪

♪ I'd be riding shot g*n- ♪

- sh*t, Ben and Jerry got here first.

♪ Feeling like a someone, ♪

♪ Someone, ♪

♪ Someone. ♪

- God, they're good.

- Will you get their dicks

out of your mouth for a second, please.

We need to take the lead
on these jobs, we are not

Darryl and Darrell's backup dancers.

- Reel a bit down.

♪ I'd be riding shot g*n. ♪

- 14 pounds?

You gave my colleague a free
one just for being a paramedic.

- No, I gave her one cause she was nice.

- Plus you've add every sauce.

- Of course I've add every
sauce, it's dry cheese.

See, we used to get nuff free stuff

back in the lockdown days.

These dusty people forget who saved them.

Did your mom give you your lunch money?

I'll give it back to you, man.

Give me the money, man.

- So, um, when I said what you
into, I meant more like music.

What even is step-porn?

- Ah,
so pretend incest. It's step-families,

so it's all above board.

- Right.

- So um, about that drink.

[upbeat drum music]

- Okay, you need to elevate
the arm to stop the bleeding.

- [Voice On Phone] Yeah, got it.

- Yup?

- [Voice On Phone] Okay

- Right, next bit's crucial.

- [Voice On Phone] Yup.

- [Lawrence] 358 Lima Charlie.

- Lawrence!

Hi.

- 358 Lima Charlie.

- Don't have to call me
that, just Jo or mate.

What's up?

- We got a purple plus here.

I'll be off till the coroner
shows, looks like a suicide.

- Suicide?

Okay. What happened?

Oh no.

You talked to him.

- Seemed interested at first
and then I got into craft beers

and yeah.

- Oh no, Lawrence is so boring,
I'm going to k*ll myself.

[Jo laughs]

- Yeah. Seriously though, it
looks like sleeping pills.

Poor guy.

- No, course, course.

Tragic, thoughts and prayers.

- I'll be stuck here for hours.

- Stuck?

Do you need help? I could wizz around.

- Nope. All good.

- Good? Good. Good. Yeah, good actually.

Yeah stuck with a big
fanny like you all day

might get the sleeping pills out myself.

Not really Lawrence,

I could listen to you for hours,
you are really interesting.

- Yeah, okay. See you later.

[upbeat groovy piano music]

- See, this is all your fault.

I can't impress stuck at this drive depot.

- You know what kids find impressive?

- What?

- Unboxing.

Why don't you unbox something?

- I'm not taking advice from you.

- I know what boys like,

I do have a son.

- No you don't.

- Yes, I do.

Spencer.

- Why have you never told
me about this Spencer, you?

- I've talked about him loads.

You just don't listen to me.

- Wendy, if you want me to
listen, you have to engage me.

It's not everyday, Pingu-

[Maleek impersonating Wendy's voice]

- Pingu?

- Ah, whatever.

Look, I just need to show
this kid my sick skills.

Do you know what f*ck it.

Oi, come. We're hitting the roads.

Put your seatbelt on.

Coming?

- Yeah. I quite like to
get away from the firemen.

[upbeat bass guitar music]

- Darrell, I know this is
absolutely cringe drama, but

you and Darryl are like

hashtag paramedic goals,
I totally stan you guys.

- Kareshma that means so much.

- Yeah, it must be so
intense working together and

living together?

- We didn't live together,
I'd hardly ever see the guy,

you know. It's just work and

weekends, holidays,
Christmas Day, Easter. Yeah.

- I feel like I'm failing her

and it's affecting my mood at home.

Trisha's picked up on it.

The other day, I told the Amazon guy to-

f his mother.

- My Darrell, exactly the same
when he started, he was wild.

Big temper, used to call
him Hurricane Darrell.

- Well how did you turn him around?

- We did a lot of yoga.

And we cut out dairy.

- I bet it's hard to keep
things from getting stale.

I know Darryl's got his worries.

- What? What's he said?

- Oh, oh was that meant to be a secret?

He thinks we're stale?

- Forget it,

I've said too much.

Sorry. I just don't wanna make any worse.

- But-

Stale. Why would he say that?

- Mad thing is,
I don't even know the Amazon guy,

or his mother.

- I'll see you later.

- It was nice meeting you.

What station are you from?

- South Hills, same as you.

It's Gary,

we've worked together for years.

- Here's your Fanta.

Better drink it up quick,
wouldn't want it going stale.

[upbeat drum music]

- See, Anth.

This is what the job's all about.

Out on the roads, playing
by your own rules,

being your own boss.

- Cool.

- Well, Jo is our boss.

- Yeah, technically, but
Jo ain't here is she.

- And there are actually
quite strict rules.

- Maybe for you, cause
you're a strict cat.

- Basically we have to go
wherever the doo-da sends us.

- Excuse me,

can you stop undermining me with the kid?

- Well, sorry Maleek,

I didn't realise I was c*ck blocking you.

- Wow, hey, look.

- First of all, that's
not what c*ck blocking is.

Secondly, don't ever say
you're c*ck blocking me

with a ten-year old.

It's disgusting.

[ambulance radio beeps]

- Oo, we've got a call.

CAT1.

Choking.

- Shotgun.

Dinner with it, it's all me.

Gonna do a little Heimlich thing.

You get the blues.

[Ambulance sirens rings]

Move!

[knock on door]

- Police, get on the floor.

Had you going.

You pissed yourself, gross.

- What you doing here?

- A new protocol, there
has to be two people here

to watch the body.

- Didn't know about that.

- Cause it's new.

- Right?

- Don't get up.

Come on, humour is important in this game,

that was quite funny.

No?

- Poor bloke.

Must have been so alone.

No sign of his dog anywhere.

I know that feeling, you
know, you lose your soulmate

and you can never replace them.

- Well, there's always Battersea.

- I meant Karen.

- Come on.

Positivity, please.

- Sorry, you're right.

Positive attitude, yeah.

Um, maybe the dog didn't die.

- Yes, exactly.

I'll put the kettle on.

- Maybe he run away and was
adopted by a kind family and

you know, they live in the countryside,

- sh*t!
- Scampering from the Meadows-

- Yeah. Found the dog.

Yeah. It's dead.

- Chasing rabbits.

- It's a real mess.

All bloated up, big balloon,

like a big hairy space hopper.

[upbeat drum music]

- Do this thing.

Hang on, coming.

- It's number 76, not 74.

- Help is here.

[baby cries]

- Who the f*ck are you?

What you doing coming to my house.

- Oi, wait for me for the
cool stuff, I got shot g*n.

- I finally get her down
and then you run in here.

- It's lodged in there,

we're going to have to perform
abdominal thrusts, all right?

- It's all right.

- If you could just
hold on ever so slightly

for my colleague, okay.

- Your house smells like
sh*t, I'm calling the RSPCA.

- So was it a sandwich?

- I don't know.

- Your neighbour is a dickhead.

Hello, hey mate.

Right, look. We're just
going to get you up, yeah.

Everything's going to be all right, okay?

I'm just gonna-

Yeah, let's get my good side blood.

There you go.

You all right?

- You took your time-

- Probably best to
concentrate on getting your

breathe back lovie.

- Yeah, be grateful.

I'll put it back in there.

Bow!
Show, it to your mom. Bow! Bow!

[upbeat drum music]

[slower drum music]

[ambulance sirens ringing]

- And if you think we're losing the magic,

I'd like to hear it from you.

I thought we talked about our problems.

- All right, calm down, I'm
sensing Hurricane Darrell.

Just relax.

- Maybe Kareshma was right about us.

- Oh, so you take our
problems to Kareshma now?

- So we do have problems? He admits it.

- Well let's call Kareshma and find out.

Let's call Kareshma and
see what issues we have.

- Let's give her a buzz.

- Oh hey Kareshma, have we
got problems, yeah, exactly.

I thought that-

yes we do.

I'm telling you man, I'm
trying to dance it and

I don't know if you want
to dance with me anymore.

[ambulance sirens ringing]

- Has the dog binned.

Oh, in general waste, sort of food, just

felt more respectful.

Lot of ball games for man on his own.

Oh, he's got Jenga.

Aw, Jesper, legends, get in.

Now this'll cheer you the F up.

- Jenga? It's a little bit
inappropriate, isn't it?

- If he had been crushed under a tower of

falling wooden blocks, maybe.

What are you melt?

Who thinks Lawrence should play Jenga?

I do.

Two against one.

Come on Lawrence.

[upbeat bass guitar music]

[ambulance hoots]

- Yo I thought my man was gonna be k*lled.

- Probably was until the
black Panther stepped in.

Ai, listen,

heroes need fuel.

Two Twixes for me and a Clipper for Wendy.

Wendy, give him some money.

- Here, but bring me the change.

- Yup.

[Maleek laughs]

- Ah, like him man.

- Oh, I can see the three of you together.

A ready made family.

- Yup. Big Papa bear.

Sexy Yasmin bear and little baby bear.

- And me, Goldilocks.

- You are not hanging
out with me and Yasmin.

You already ducked out of one family.

- Excuse me,

I didn't duck out on them.

We mutually decided to explore new things.

- Yeah. You're exploring firemen

and they're exploring being ducked out on.

My gee.

Let me get my chocolat.

- Thank you Anthony.

- Let's roll.
- [Voice On Radio] 451 Papa Kilo, you're up.

- Oh nice.

A burn at a barbecue,

might get free hot dog.

- Typical.

And I spent my last 14
pound on a Rosclot wrap.

- Whoa, you mean I spent.

- Big man, what part of I owe
you don't you understand?

Eat your Twix.

[ambulance sirens ringing]
- [Voice On Radio] 451 Papa Kilo.

Caller failing to respond,

could be a time waster.

- Let me come with you.

- Nah, man.

Bruv don't worry, I'm not Jayden.

I will come back.

You don't need to see me run
a finger under a cold tap,

that's dead.

- You stay here Anthony,
and check in with your mom.

Tell her what a fab time you're having.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell her I saved that guy,

use the g*n finger
emoji when you text her.

[man screaming]

[ambulance sirens ringing]

- I've never seen that before.

- Nope.

- The way his skin melted-

- Yes, Wendy,

I remember.

- Anthony's not said anything for a while.

- He's all right.

Ain't it, little man?

[ambulance sirens ringing]

- And the crumbled under-dog,
steps up to make his move.

- That's quite off putting,

I don't know whether you're
aware of the rules of Janga,

but that's a no-no.

Okay. And-

- Okay.

- He's made a choice.

- Ooh.

- And slowly he moves in,

with all the consummate
precision of a Jenga master.

And without even looking, it's
never been attempted before,

selects the piece

and pulls it from the tower,
which is still standing.

- The crowd go wild.

- All except one, who
seems to be in shock.

[Lawrence laughs]

- There he is.

About time you moody b*stard.

- Uh, you got me.

- You've got me, Lawrence.

- It is, I think, your move.

- Or is it your move?

- No, cause I just won, so

it's your move.

[coroner coughs]

- Thanks for coming lads,

here's your purple plus.

Overdose, looks like
it might be pradoxomil,

but I'll leave that up to you.

Pradoxomil.

[Jenga tower falls on table]

- Are you talking to me, or
your new best friend Kareshma?

Everyday, Kareshma this-

- Hey, hey, stop it.

I hate to see you guys like this.

Look, this is the last
thing I want to do, but

if you guys need a break from each other,

we can always re-partner.

- Leave Darrell/Darryl?

- I wouldn't want your
friendship to suffer.

- I don't know.

- Maybe she's got a point.

- And you'd be happy to swap?

- For you two? Course.

Gary?

- Well, yes.

But, I mean, you two are inspirational.

The way you work together,

it's like a well-oiled machine.

- And machines break, so-

- And the way you pick each
other up, time after time.

I mean you two, you have something that

we lesser mortals can only dream of

and you want to throw all that away?

Well, shame on you.

- Well, they already said they do.

We all heard it, so I'll call Jo.

- This is crazy.

- Let's not put a
plaster over some serious

issues here, guys.

- Darrell without Darryl?

That's like the sky without
everything in the sky.

All the sky stuff gone,
the birds and the cloud.

A balloon.

I can't do this.

- I need my hurricane.

- Hey.

- Nice one, Gary.

[loud bang on locker]

- Thanks mate.

Was proper on a ledge.

- Thank you, mysterious stranger.

- What?

No, no, no, it's Gary.

I helped you move.

Oh, come on.

[large gate rattling to a close]

- He hasn't blinked for ages.

- I know.

Blow on his eye.

Not that hard, what's wrong with you?

Anthony?

[Maleek knocks on door]

Yo do you want a Happy Meal?

I need you to say something.

Big Mac, big Mac for a big man.

I'll buy you a game.

I'll buy you a game.

- Your mom's dead.

- What're you doing?

- Trying to shock him.

- We already did that.

The burning man. The man on fire.

He doesn't need a dead mom as well.

- There he is.

My little man.

Hope he wasn't any trouble?

- Trouble?

Nah, he's good as gold him.

[Maleek laughs]

Big imagination on him though.

Yeah, he made up a couple of lies earlier.

Didn't you, little man?

Probably do the same to you at home,

so just ignore anything
and everything he says.

- Face. Face.

- Face time you, later? You beg.

Nah. I'll shout you. I'll shout you.

- That man was,

he was on fire.

- I was, I was on fire.

Save nuff lives and that, ain't it?

[Maleek laughs]

- So, look, you can say no or whatever,

but are you free for a drink

tomorrow night to say thanks.

- Let me just check my diary.

Yeah, I'm free.

- Great, I'll uh, text you.

- Cool.

- Bye.

- I feel awful.

I think we really traumatised him.

- Nah, damage is already done.

His broken home and all that.

Don't worry, I'll fix it
once I'm with his mother.

- I'm not sure that it's looking too good.

They've stopped.

Now he's telling her something.

- Oh that little snitch!

- Now she's coming this way.

- What?

- Quite quickly.

- Shut the gate, shut the blood clot gate.

Finally where I belong,

on these streets.

Damn you biker boy, sh*t.

Whoa, sorry.

- Are you two related?

- Do we look the same to you, is that it?

- You think I fancy Lawrence? Ugh!

- You'll end up doing
something stupid like I did.

- What did you do?

- sh*t Wendy, we've done something bad.

[loud upbeat music]