Last of Mrs. Cheyney, The (1937)

[bunniefuu]

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for... ♪

-Get out of my room.

-Yes, of course. I'm sorry, I...

get off my bed.

Well, I think that this is my room.

-This is suite 137 on A-Deck.

-Yes, quite.

So you see, you're mistaken.

No, no, I think you're mistaken.

This is my suite.

Are you sure that your suite is number 137?

Positive. I never forget numbers.

Why don't you look at your ticket?

Yes, certainly, I have...

There.

-Suite 137...

-on A-Deck.

What a stupid blunder for them to make,

Giving us both the same suite.

I don't wish to appear a nuisance,

But could we take a cursory glance at your ticket?

Of course, if you wish. It's in my fur coat.

Oh, perhaps they put it in the wardrobe.

Do you mind?

Oh, certainly not.

Oh, my goodness.

Are those your clothes?

Uh, yes, these are my clothes.

And, uh, this is my luggage.

What do you suppose they've done with mine?

May I suggest that you find out

What suite the purser thinks you're in,

And probably that would be the suite you're in.

What number did you say this is?

137 on A-Deck.

Oh, my goodness.

-I'm in the wrong suite.

-Oh, yes, quite.

-I'm in 173.

-Oh, 173.

You see, I was up on the sun deck.

And, well, one gets so sleepy the first day out.

I could barely stagger down to my...

I mean, to your bed.

I'm afraid I've been very rude.

Oh, no, no, please. Don't mention it.

-Is there anything that I could do?

-Oh, no, nothing. Nothing, thank you.

Well, I can't just get up and go, you know?

Oh, no?

No.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, of course.

Well, just...

take your time. And I'll, uh-

I'll go for a short stroll.

Thank you so much.

And I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't mention it.

-I-Oh, I say...

-Aah! Don't come in.

Well, I'm in the bathroom.

I don't mind. I shan't be 2 seconds.

Oh. Well.

I say, Francis, I...

Oh, I beg your pardon I must be in the wrong cabin..

I don't think you are.

May I?

Thank you.

-Excuse me.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't quite hear what you-

Excuse me, please.

What are you doing here?

I don't quite know.

Well, I...

It's-This-

I know, of course,

This must all seem rather peculiar.

No, no, no, no, far from it.

What do you mean far from it?

Of course it's peculiar.

-That lady was in my cabin.

-Obviously.

Don't stand there looking more like a Cheshire cat

-Than you actually are.

-Don't try to change the subject.

-Your friend left her handkerchief.

-You're a fool, Dilling.

I'm willing to discuss that with you later.

However I'll go this far, you're no fool.

She's very charming.

Oh, well, now look here, Dilling, It's-It's simply a misunderstanding.

Willie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You know perfectly well.

That Lord Kelton is one of the most respectable men in England.

I didn't say a word.

I know, but your expression, it's positively revolting.

Cads, both of you.

I say, who was the lady?

-How do I know?

-I think I'll find out.

Oh, Willie, I'm shocked. A married man?

I'll go with you so you won't get in any scrapes.

No, you don't. I thought of it first.

I saw her first.

Yes, that's all very well to say you...

Could you give me some information about a passenger?

Will you tell me the passenger's name, sir?

No, no, that's what I want you to tell me.

Will you describe the passenger, sir?

Well, let me see, she's uh...

I couldn't tell you the color of her hair or her eyes, I...

couldn't even describe you the clothes she wore, she's uh...

she's, uh...

You don't mean the lady with that...

that look?

And she has a way of walking that's rather, How should one say?

-Rather, rather...

-Yes, yes. Who is she?

Mrs. Cheyney, sir. A Mrs. Fay Cheyney.

-Oh, Mrs.

-I'm sorry, sir.

No, no, I'm sorry. Do go on.

What else do you wish to know, sir?

Well, just break down and pour forth.

She's American, a widow,

Traveling alone, has 7 or 8 trunks, no pets, birds, cats, dogs...

-things like that, you know?

-Don't stop.

She has a deluxe suite, will be 27 next September,

And comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

And you are the fifth gentleman who asked about her in the last 2 hours.

What do you know about me?

You're the airman, Lord Dilling, who flew from Singapore to Honolulu.

In 37 hours and 14 minutes,

Now returning home to England with a party of friends.

Good man.

You were sued for breach of promise in New York

by a young lady who you met in the Fifth Avenue bus.

That's quite enough. Thank you very much.

I don't want to know too much about myself.

-This Cheyney, she sounds interesting.

-Interesting is much too mild a word.

I think I shall go and find her and kiss her.

Yes, I think I will, too.

Kelton was right, you are a cad.

I don't-

-Well, where on earth have you been?

-Oh, hello, darling.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Oh. You've got the trunk keys.

Have I?

-Oh, yes, so I have.

-Willie, you don't seem to understand.

Kitty wants you to go and unpack.

-Yes.

-Yes.

What's the hurry? Let's look around for a bit.

I studied the passenger list carefully

and there's nothing worthwhile looking around at.

Well, let's go on deck and let them look at us.

Willie, you heard what I said.

Arthur, while he's unpacking, will you take me for a stroll around the deck?

Oh...

Yes, I shall be delighted.

Do him good.

Willie...

mind you've got all the things unpacked by the time I come in.

All right, darling.

-Won't you allow me?

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Oh, what is it?

-Oh, I burned myself, it's nothing,

-Nothing.

-I'm sorry.

Are you really?

Are you traveling alone?

I hope so.

Of course, if I could be of any service to you...

Thank you, no.

-I'm sorry you burnt your finger.

-In a way I'm glad I burnt myself.

Otherwise I shouldn't have a chance to talk to you and to warn you.

Warn me about what?

It's about this fellow I'm traveling with.

You may have noticed him when you were at the cabin.

Vaguely.

His name's Dilling, Lord Arthur Dilling. He's a bit of a philanderer,

If you know what I mean.

Says he's going to kiss you.

What?

Oh, I know jolly well you're not that type.

But he's a tricky sort of devil.

Always kissing the last person you would expect.

-Aren't you being rather impertinent?

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be.

I only talked to you 'cause I realized you were one of us

and all that sort of thing.

-Thank you.

-Oh, not at all.

See, now that I've injured myself in your service, so to speak,

I do feel that we've formed the basis of a real and lasting friendship.

Isn't that splendid?

Excuse me.

I should've thought he'd been back some time ago. I...

Haven't you unpacked yet?

No, I haven't.

You're going to catch it.

Willie...

-Yes, my love?

-What have you been doing?

I bet you 3 to 1 you don't make the grade.

Done. Name the amount.

30 pounds to 10.

My dear fellow, it's child's play.

See you at dinner, Dilling.

Mrs. Cheyney, I believe.

-Yes.

-Mrs. Fay Cheyney?

Yes, why do you ask?

I met your husband once.

Years and years ago, of course.

Seemed a vital sort of chap.

He...

he asked me if I was ever in America to look him up.

Where did you meet my husband?

It was in London. Yes, in London at the... races.

Ascot gold cup, if I remember correctly.

It may interest you to know that my husband never left the United States.

May I call you Fay?

Lord Dilling, if you don't leave me at once, I shall call a steward.

I'd be delighted if you call me Arthur.

I beg your pardon. I presume you know this young man.

Yes, I know him.

Then will you be good enough to tell him to leave me alone?

To leave... Well, I s-

I quite understand.

-My arm.

-Thank you.

Well, I'm frightfully sorry. You see he's a sort of vague relation of mine by marriage.

And I'm afraid he, uh, he misconstrued things somewhat.

-Misconstrued?

-Yes.

I don't think I quite understand.

Oh, well, of course you wouldn't, dear lady. You're much too innocent.

Innocent?

Now it's become even more involved.

Well, you see, he did sort of see you coming out of my cabin as it were.

Oh, I see.

Oh, but everything can be explained.

There's nothing to explain.

Yes, well, that's just it, you see there you are, it's so awkward, isn't it?

Oh, I do hope I haven't embarrassed you with your friends.

Oh, no, not at all, dear lady. I'm thinking entirely of your reputation.

Perhaps if you met lady Winton, it would sort of blow the clouds away as it were.

-Lady Winton?

-Uh, yes.

Oh, charming woman, Kitty. Member of our party.

I'm sure you'd be great chums.

And now if you'll do us the honor of dining with us tonight,

-I'll call for you about 8:00.

-Oh, really, I couldn't.

Oh, it's all right I'll just introduce you as miss...

-Mrs. Cheyney.

-Oh, uh, Mrs. Cheyney.

-Well, from whom I met in...

-Minneapolis...

00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,000

-Minneapolis.

-Minnesota.

Minnesota. Well, which is it?

-Minnesota.

-Oh, Minnesota.

Well, there you are. Why not?

I think you're wonderfully kind, mister...

-Lord Kelton.

-Oh, Lord Kelton.

And I'll do this if only to please you.

Oh, my dear Mrs. Cheyney, you overwhelm me.

Oh, there's Francis now.

Ah, he's got a woman with him. Who on earth?

And a very stunning one, too.

Well...

I must say I don't like her frock.

Oh, hello. This is delightful...

I find my dear friend Mrs. Cheyney,

Who I met in Minnesota,

Is traveling alone, so I asked her to join us.

Oh, how nice.

Lady Winton, Mrs. Cheyney.

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

This is my cousin John Claiborne, Mrs. Cheyney.

-Charmed.

-How do you do?

Mrs. Cheyney, won't you come and sit by me?

No, no, no. You're to sit here by me.

I do hope, lady Winton, I'm not intruding.

Oh, my dear Mrs. Cheyney, you're a very godsend.

Think of me, a lone woman with 4 dreadful men.

No, not too dreadful, I hope.

I didn't mean you, darling.

Cousin John has been traveling with us for his health.

It's my chest.

Oh, really?

Shall we begin?

Oh, yes.

My dear, what a lovely frock. Where did you get it?

-Madame Natalie's.

-Oh?

And tell me, where did you two meet?

-My, my husband...

-Yes, yes, of course.

Good old Cheyney.

-Are you staying in London long?

-Yes. I'm taking a house.

Oh, that's very nice.

-Am I late?

-Oh, Willie.

This is my husband, Sir William Winton, Mrs. Cheyney.

How do you do?

This is a pleasant surprise.

Go on, darling, sit down. Don't hang about there.

Arthur, we have a charming addition to the party.

This is Lord Dilling. Mrs. Cheyney.

Charmed.

Uh, Cheyney...

Cheyney, Minneapolis?

Uh, Minnesota.

How interesting.

-I knew your husband.

-And so did Francis.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Charming fellow, wasn't he, Francis?

Uh, who?

Oh, Cheyney, yes, he was...

delightful.

Be a privilege to be of service to you when you get to London, Mrs. Cheyney.

Lord Kelton has already volunteered.

Oh, has he?

What's the...

-To the Victor belongs the spoils.

-What's that?

-What is what, my love?

-Why is Arthur giving you 10 pounds?

-Tell Kitty, Willie.

-Well, see, he, uh...

Don't be frightened.

You've been gambling again.

Sort of, if you know what I mean.

Cards, I suppose, but you promised me you weren't going to gamble..

And so I'm going to take the money.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Kitty.

Forgive me, Willie.

I need a drink.

Yes, that's a good idea. Let's have a toast to Mrs. Cheyney.

May she be very happy in our gallant little island.

And forgive us our fogs and our rains.

You're not very patriotic, are you, Lord Dilling?

On the contrary I love my native Heath.

But I've met many women that I'd rather die for than live with.

And that's how it is with England and me.

-18.

-19 pounds.

19 pounds for this delightful English lady,

This Jewel in the diadem of English society.

This devoted wife.

This splendid horsewoman.

The excellent bridge player.

-This...

-You know, it's really like me.

All except the eyelashes.

This is as far as I'll go. Going, going, gone at 19 pounds.

Cousin John, you're a darling, I really must kiss you.

Beautiful.

How devoted Kitty is to her cousin.

Oh, rather. She feels that way about all of them.

I say, Kitty, I haven't got 19 pounds,

-I wonder if you could...

-Well, of course, darling.

And now we come to the final lot.

It happens to be Mrs. Cheyney.

How can I describe it? Shall we call her an undesirable alien?

Oh, no. You mustn't say...

Well, anyway, my friends, I'm going to let her go cheap.

Now please, a bid?

-3 pounds.

-Uh... 5.

7 pounds.

-10!

-12 pounds.

Willie, don't be idiotic. You can't outbid Francis.

Do I hear an advance on 12 pounds?

13.

-Milord, you're wanted on the telephone.

-Uh, don't bother me.

-Uh-Uh, 15.

-It's very urgent, Milord.

-I'm busy now.

-I don't-

-Well, your house is on fire, Milord.

-Fire?

I mean, 20. I'll be back.

Remember, ladies and gentlemen, this is your last chance to assist the Duchess of Ebley.

Yes. Uh, hello?

Any advance on 20?

No advance on Lord Kelton's bid of 20?

For the last time, any advance on 20?

Going, going-

Uh, 25.

-Oh, thank you.

-Well, I-

No higher offer?

25. Gone.

Here! I bid... I'm bidding 20-

It's gone, Milord.

Gone? What do you mean gone?

This lot was just sold to Lord Dilling for 25 pounds.

Lord Dilling? Who said I was wanted on the telephone?

Lord Dilling, Milord.

Oh, Lord Dilling, Milord. Well, I...

Now what is the total, Charles?

-782 pounds, madame.

-782 pounds.

Shall I have the checks made out to the charity fund or to the Duchess of Ebley?

Oh, to me, my dear.

Well, I think it's too amazing for words.

Charles, will you give lady Winton to Mr. John Claiborne,

and Lady Fenton to Sir Cecil,

And Lord Dilling to, uh...

Oh, I'm so sorry, but I've forgotten the name.

He's mine.

I have a taste for knick-Knacks.

Thank you.

Sir William goes to lady Winton.

Uh, you needn't bother giving me Mrs. Cheyney, Charles.

I'll take her myself.

Yes, Duchess?

-I'm beginning to like you.

-Well, that's very kind of you.

Surprised myself.

Lord Dilling's my nephew, you know.

-Yes, I know.

-Charming fool.

People he likes I usually loathe. Don't loathe you, though.

-Spend the weekend with me, will you?

-Alone?

Oh, dear Lord. Must try it sometime.

Why, I never had less than a dozen people at Ebley manor in my life.

-Good-Bye.

-Good-Bye.

Thanks Duchess, I'd love to come.

-Good-Bye Mrs. Cheyney.

-Good-Bye,

-I say, Arthur?

-My dear aunt.

-Ooh, that Mrs. Cheyney.

-Yes, yes, yes.

Endurable person, absolutely endurable.

I'm so glad she doesn't make you ill.

-Don't marry her, will you?

-I promise.

-She's much too good for you.

-I'm sure of that.

-Can I give you a lift?

-No, thank you.

-Byebye.

-Bye.

-Good bye.

-Good-Bye, Mrs. Cheyney.

Well, my dear, you've captivated everybody.

I'm simply basking in reflected glory of having taken you under my wing.

-You're very sweet.

-Oh, Mrs. Cheyney,

don't forget you promised to let me show you the British museums.

No, I won't forget.

-Go get my coat, will you, cousin John?

-Oh, yes, dear, yes.

I suppose the Duchess asked you down to the country for the weekend.

Yes, wasn't it nice of her?

-Good. We are going, too.

-Oh, I say, I promised-

Oh, by the way, how careless, how she forgot to ask cousin John.

-I must tell her.

-No, no, you've got so many cousins.

People get tired of inviting them everywhere.

Don't let him tease you, Kittie, dear, I'm sure they're all very nice.

Good-Bye, Mrs. Cheyney.

-Shall I, uh...

-No, that'll be all right, Charles.

-Oh, Charles?

-Yes, Milord?

I can't help thinking that I've seen you somewhere before.

-Indeed, Milord?

-Yes, where have we met?

-We have never met, Milord.

-Oh, I'm sure we have.

I was educa...

I was at Oxford.

I passed through Oxford once on a train, Milord.

Your manner suggests that you might have stopped off and stayed there for some years.

I had no idea Oxford had a school for butlers, Milord.

Mrs. Cheyney seems to have a very high regard for you, Charles.

I've served the family a long time, Milord.

Then you must know Mrs. Cheyney's likes and dislikes,

Her whims and her caprices.

A good servant, Milord, always tries to sense the mood of his employer.

And tell me,

What did she think of all this?

All this, Milord?

Yes. London, her new friends,

Myself, for instance.

I couldn't say, Milord.

Mrs. Cheyney would never think of discussing her private affairs with servants.

Yes.

I accept the rebuke, Charles.

There was none meant, Milord.

Good-Bye.

George, where's Charles?

He was here a minute ago, madame.

-Shall I...

-No, never mind. I'll find him.

Charles?

I disagree.

That's where you're so utterly wrong.

No woman could be entirely indifferent to a man she's consistently rude to.

Oh, yes, you have been.

However, I am willing to let bygones be bygones if you are.

I see, so we're back in the nursery, are we?

You know, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

It's the kind of thing I might've said myself.

I can't kiss you here, my darling. There are too many people about.

-However...

-You wish to see me, madame?

It isn't important. I'll ring for you, Charles.

You know, darling, you've been seeing a good deal of that fellow Kelton lately.

No, no, now don't explain.

After all, you are human.

And Kelton is very devoted,

Very, shall we say, solid.

-And above all, fabulously rich.

-All right, let's hear the rest of it.

And he is over 50.

Any insurance company statistician would call him dead already.

Perhaps that's one of his attractions.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I do hope I haven't said anything to embarrass you.

-Your chauffeur's here, Milord.

-Is he?

Well, it's a lovely day. Tell him to wait.

Yes, Milord.

I called you up 5 times this week, and each time I was told you were out.

-What a shame.

-Were you out?

No, each time I was in.

I thought so.

Twice I answered the telephone myself and told you I was out.

May I ask why?

Certainly.

I don't care to be alone with you even on the telephone.

Why not?

It's my only way of paying tribute to your reputation.

Don't tell me it frightens you.

You have the great distinction, Arthur dear, of being one of the few men in the world

I am not frightened of.

And I feel I ought to be.

Really?

I've been told you've kept more married men at home than any other man of modern times.

I see.

-Have you quite finished with me?

-No, not quite.

You know, you're not bad looking.

You're exquisitely indifferent, even rude to people.

A great sense of humor, brilliant, and, uh...

What else?

That's the trouble, nothing else.

Tell me, did you learn the art of rebuking people so charmingly from your butler,

-Or did he learn it from you?

-I wonder.

-You know, I like that fellow.

-You mean my butler?

-Yes, I like his insolence.

-He was rude to you?

Oh, the reverse. I've often been told to go to blazes,

But never quite so pleasantly as he told me a few minutes ago.

Well, I expect Charles feels the same as I do if there are to be insults,.

Let us get them in first.

Meaning?

That during the short time you've known me,

You've made me practically every proposal a man can make a woman,

With the exception of one...

marriage.

You appear to have rather a low opinion of me.

Well, shall we say I haven't a very high one of you.

-Really?

-Have you of yourself?

-Not at the moment, no.

-Well, then there is hope.

I want you to like me.

You must like me.

-What can I do about it?

-Heaps.

For instance.

Live up to the reputation you have for possessing a sense of humor.

Go on.

Stop living on the glory of your ancestors.

Anything else?

And tell me exactly why you remained here today after the others had gone.

Because I wanted to be alone with you.

Yes?

And to tell you that you're the most attractive woman I ever knew.

And then?

If that went well then I proposed to suggest a little dinner at my flat.

Mmm, I see, and if that went well?

Then I'd be experienced enough not to say another word until after the dessert.

However, in the future, I shan't dream of asking you to dine with me.

-Without a couple of bishops.

-But why, Arthur?

Because I feel that I've been talking to an entirely good woman..

It almost makes one resolve to be one.

-Aren't you a good woman?

-Not very.

Then what the devil do you mean by lecturing me?

There's more than one way of not being a good woman, Arthur.

Explain that.

Would take too long.

I insist upon knowing whether you're a good woman or not.

Why do you want to know?

Because I'd feel such a fool if you weren't.

I am.

But still willing to throw yourself at a man like Kelton.

Arthur, dear...

Will you please ring the bell?

Certainly.

-What for?

-Charles knows where your hat is.

Oh.

You mind?

You don't drink with your meals, do you?

Certainly I do. Why do you ask?

You drink so much between them.

Oh, I...

May I fix you one?

Thank you, but you know I don't drink.

Will you have a cigarette?

And you know I don't smoke.

I suppose you'll despise me if I finish this.

No, I should like you all the more if you didn't, that's all.

I may be a teetotaler in your presence,

but I have a feeling that I am going to get very drunk tonight.

Are you angry, Arthur?

No, just defeated.

That's a new experience for you, isn't it?

You didn't mean all those things you said to me just now.

I like you so much.

Every one.

What does that mean?

My complete and absolute respect.

-Good bye.

-Good bye.

Thank you, Charles.

My blasted feet ache.

Oh, it's all right for you, dressed up like a mannequin

ordering us all over the place.

What luck?

She got the invite.

Next weekend. I heard the old girl ask her.

Nice going, Fay.

This thing's driving me balmy.

This time next week, I shall be taking it easy...

On the deck of a boat with the snout pointed for Canada.

Right here in England suits me.

Follow the races and live like a Lord.

35,000 quid split 5 ways. Not bad.

When do you blow, Fay?

Blow where?

-Well, George said you got...

-The invitation?

That's right.

It doesn't mean I have to accept it.

I haven't decided yet.

What?

What a pretty lot of pets you look.

What did you say about not going through?

I said I haven't decided yet.

Look here, my girl.

We pitched in every quid we got from that last haul to rent this house,

To buy you clothes, to send you on that ocean trip.

So don't pull anything about you haven't decided.

What's all this?

She wants to cry off.

I was just about to tell her where she stands.

You see Charles, the idea of persuading perfectly charming people into

inviting you into their house for the purpose of robbing them...

isn't pleasing to me.

She never talked like that before.

I never met them before.

If you try any tricks, my girl, you won't find it very healthy.

Now, just a moment, Will.

-I see her point of view.

-Oh, you do, do you?

I'll tell you what it is.

She's got her eye on Lord Kelton.

The old coat is always hanging around.

So that's the bright idea, is it?

Yes, you laugh.

She's got a chance to feather her own nest-

Let her try, that's all.

Suppose you all clear out.

I'd like to have a little chat with Fay alone.

If it's a showdown, we're in on it.

C'mon...

leave her to Charles, he knows how to handle her.

Oh, well, no half measures, mind.

Tell her ladyship just where she gets off.

Leave it to me.

Well, my dear,

You know, if you want to chuck it...

-you can.

-Don't be absurd, Charles.

I only wanted to make them mad to see them exactly as they are because I hate them so..

I was only fooling, my dear. I'm going to see it through.

I wouldn't let you down.

You never let anyone down, that's just the point.

Very well, then.

Without my influence...

you would have never chosen...

this rather precarious profession.

I'm afraid I'm getting a conscience, Fay.

-What do you mean by that?

-What I say.

You see, my dear...

you don't have to tell me that you like your newfound friends.

-I can see that for myself.

-You're as bad as Anna.

You think I'm chasing the elderly noble lord.

No, I wasn't thinking of the elderly and noble lord.

What's on your mind, Charles?

Let's have it.

Well, my dear, you don't owe anything to us,

Least of all to me.

We've just been business partners-

Leave to terminate our contract whenever we choose.

But not in the middle of an enterprise.

No, thank you.

It's terribly sweet of you, but I intend to get you your pearls.

-If you should change your mind...

-I shan't.

And Charles, would you like to do something that would please me very much?

-Always.

-Don't let's discuss this anymore.

Of course.

Arthur, come along. They want you to play.

I'm terribly sorry, I didn't bring my piano.

Idiot.

They're playing a game of questions,

One I want to ask you.

Am I in love with Mrs. Cheyney?

How'd you know?

You've been trying to ask me ever since we arrived.

And are you?

As everybody supposed to contribute something to a weekend party,

My contribution is this...

I think I am.

To what extent?

-I don't quite know.

-Well, what are the symptoms?

I've suddenly discovered a liking for little children.

Oh?

That sounds like the real thing.

Oh, there you are. We're waiting for you.

We're playing a perfectly ripping game called "Truth".

Each one of us is pledged to speak the absolute truth.

Every one of us...

is allowed in turn to ask everyone else.

a very personal question.

-Oh, and they have to answer?

-Yes, or pay a forfeit.

At the moment, it's cousin John's turn.

Oh, is it?

Yes, now remember, you must answer.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Well, what was the question?

I asked you where you got those Pearl studs that you're wearing.

Oh, uh, what?

You know, Willie, I can't possibly remember that.

No, cousin John has a very poor memory.

Yes, well, hang it all, they belong to me.

Did Kitty give them to you?

No, what?

Yes.

I gave them to him for a Christmas present, darling.

I knew you wouldn't mind.

Of course he doesn't mind.

Look at his expression.

What's the matter with my expression?

Egad, how I hate my face.

Suppose you had to live with it the way your wife does?

I never thought of that.

-Kitty?

-Huh?

-I'll send you a present.

-Oh, thank you.

Is the game over?

Good heavens, no. We've only just started.

Now it's your turn to make us all squirm.

All right, Willie.

What is your private opinion of me as a hostess?

I say, look here, I...

I can think up some very nasty forfeits for you, Willie.

All right, I'll answer.

I shall describe you as odd.

Yeah, I think that's the word, odd.

Now, I pick you, Joan.

Have you given up all hope of marrying Arthur?

I never had any.

-That calls for a forfeit.

-Yes, I suppose it does.

Well, in the library, you'll find a life of George Washington.

Memorize the part about the cherry tree.

And recite it to each person you meet up until bedtime.

Kitty, how many cousins have you?

Uh, I've got heaps, darling. Heaps and heaps.

Go and write out each of their names 50 times.

Willie shall be the judge if you missed any.

If you have, we'll make it 100.

You'd better come with me, cousin John, you're much more familiar of the family tree than I am.

It's the most obnoxious game I've ever played.

Lord Kelton...

Yes, oh...

Well, I'm, uh, really not playing this game, I'm just an outsider, as it were.

Lord Kelton, that spoils the fun.

Huh? Oh, well, all right, I'll...

Are you fool enough to think of marrying at your age?

-Oh, it's now, look here, I say...

-Yes or no.

-Well, that's too personal a question.

-Me thinketh the fourth Earl of Kelton

is about to pay a forfeit.

Well, I'd rather pay a forfeit than answer a question like that in public.

Francis, you're to go in the garden...

remove your shoes, and walk 3

times around the goldfish pond.

I'll wager Kelton isn't sporting enough to do it.

Oh, I'm sure he is.

Why, Francis has never backed out after he's once given his word.

Uh, yes, well, of course I'll do it in the spirit of fun.

-Well, I'm going with you,

-Yes.

Well, it's all very ridiculous and I'm frightfully susceptible to colds.

Well, one thing about this game,

If you played it long enough, you wouldn't have a friend in the world.

Maria...

I've always wanted to know your real age.

How old are you?

Oh, about 26.

What forfeit would you like me to pay?

Just go to your mirror and sit in front of it for half an hour.

Cat!

-Arthur...

-Uhu...

Are you in love?

Really in love?

Hopelessly, desperately, and finally.

You and Willie seem to be the only two who really tell the truth.

Oh, I don't agree with you, Duchess.

When a man of Lord Dilling's reputation, uses the word finally...

well..

You think he should pay a forfeit, huh?

Oh, a gigantic one.

What would you suggest, a vat of boiling oil,

Or will you let me show you the garden by moonlight?

It isn't our choice.

You are my favorite aunt.

I've been trying to get a moment alone with Fay since the world began.

What sayeth thou, old witch?

That you go immediately upstairs and help Amelia turn down the beds.

If my own flesh and blood should be so callous.

And don't play any tricks on Amelia.

Whatever happens to Amelia is on your head.

Amelia! Oh, Amelia!

Well...

Well, it looks as if the game's over

-and I get off Scott free.

-Oh, no.

Oh, no, I've got several questions to ask you.

Not one, mind.

Well?

When Arthur proposes to you, will you accept him?

Well, he, uh, he hasn't proposed yet,

And I really haven't thought much about it.

Nonsense. He's on the verge of it, and nobody knows that better than yourself.

You like him, don't you?

Everybody does.

Oh, Arthur has his good points.

-He's charming.

-Oh, can't bear sentiment.

But I really like you.

It isn't every woman I'd urge to stay with the family.

That's the sweetest thing one woman could say to another.

And you do mean it, don't you?

I trust you.

You are on the level.

Now, don't be afraid of Arthur.

He's on the level, too...

this time.

That's all.

"I can't tell a lie, Pa. I can't tell a lie, Pa.

"You know I can't tell a lie.

I did cut it down with my little hatchet.

-How's that?

-Here we are, 14 of them.

Alphabetically arranged.

I cannot tell a lie, Pa. You know I cannot tell a lie.

Oh, Joan, I'm getting fed up with that.

-Well, it's your own poison.

-By Jove, he's done it.

-I cannot tell a lie...

-Never mind about that.

Hats off to Kelton, he's putting his shoes on now.

Well, listen, Fay's the only person who hasn't paid a forfeit.

Let's make her go lace them up for him.

-Righto, off you go, Fay.

-I'd love to.

I cannot tell a lie, Pa. You know I cannot tell a lie.

Oh, Joan, if you say that again, I'll brain you.

Oh, but I have to say it to everybody I meet until bedtime.

Do you mind if I pay my forfeit this way?

I cannot tell a lie, Pa. You know I cannot tell a lie.

Oh, Shut up!

Don't you think it was sweet of me to send Fay out in the garden to Francis?

He's been dying to get her alone all evening.

I say, do you think he's going to pop the question?

Of course he is. It's written all over him.

I can just hear him saying it.

My dear Mrs. Cheyney...

I am the victim of the emotion of love.

I offer you my undying affection.

And my heart...

and my hand.

And so, my dear Fay, you must understand,

We couldn't possibly have a low tariff and compete with coolie labor.

-Do you find me dull?

-Why should I?

Am I lacing too tightly?

Oh, no, no, I wish you wouldn't do that. Please.

Oh, but I must. It's part of the game.

Well, it makes me feel almost...

primitive, to have a...

lovely lady tampering with my feet.

-Allow me.

-No, I couldn't think of it.

-Oh, Fay.

-Yes, Francis.

Fay, I've got a townhouse in London and a country seat in Kent..

Other foot, please.

Huh? Oh, yes.

-Let's see, where were we?

-Somewhere in Kent.

Oh, yes, Kent. About three

hundred acres.

And a sh**ting box in Scotland, 50,000 acres.

And...

-am I getting intimate?

-Not too intimate.

Oh.

-I'm only ticklish right there.

-I'm sorry.

I wish you'd let me do it, it's...

-It's so disconcerting.

-Francis, you've probably had

women at your feet all your life.

Oh, yes. I mean, no!

Of course not.

To get back to where we were, I...

I'm the chief director in the largest wool mills in the north.

Yet you wear silk socks.

Such extravagance.

Uh, well, my stock interest runs to over a million,

And it's...

awfully difficult for me to go on.

Maybe you'd better not try anymore tonight.

Oh, well, it ought to be perfectly simple to tell you what I want.

I've written it a dozen times, and...

-and torn it up, naturally.

-I imagine you're a man who writes

with great distinction.

Oh, yes, well, I can write.

I've made good speeches too,

-in Parliament, but somehow, I...

-Each of us has his own gift.

Shall we go in the house?

Uh, yes, perhaps we'd better.

Glad to be back, it's getting cold or maybe because I've been wading around

-among the beastly goldfish...

-No, not that way.

If you don't mind, Francis, I think I'll sneak up to bed.

I've rather a headache. You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no, no. I'll may...

You'll make my excuses to the Duchess, won't you?

Oh, I'll have her come up and see you right away.

After all, a headache that could be very serious.

-I had one once...

-No, please, don't. I...

it's really nothing, I wouldn't want you to disturb her or the others.

I'm just tired, that's all.

It's been a lovely evening. Good night.

Oh, good night, Fay, I...

-You're sure there's nothing I can do?

-Positive.

Oh, well, good night.

If you should hear from me later, I mean...

you wouldn't think it terribly wicked of me, if I...

slipped a note under your door.

I'm here, your grace.

Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought it was her grace.

Her grace is downstairs.

I thought I might find some aspirin up here, I have a slight headache.

Certainly, madame.

Thank you.

What?

You're wanted on the telephone.

-Oh, thank you.

-You can take it in the den.

Hello?

I'm sorry to resort to such a cheap trick,

But the ends justify the means.

You mean, that no one wants me?

I want you, Fay...

terribly.

-Really, Arthur, I'm in no mood...

-Don't misunderstand me.

I love you, Fay.

Will you marry me?

Please...

You didn't accept Kelton, did you?

What makes you think he asked me?

Did you refuse him?

No.

You will.

Are you sure?

After all, the love of a good man stands for something.

Not at all.

That's proved by the fact that it's always the bad man who's the correspondent.

Can't we discuss this some other time, Arthur, I'm really very tired.

Don't put me off. I must talk to you.

The Bishop of Broadminster is an old friend of mine. He's only a couple of miles from here.

I've telephoned him and told him to expect us the first thing in the morning.

You're terribly sure of yourself, aren't you?

-On the contrary, I'm frightened to death.

-I don't believe it.

It's true.

Feel my hand.

You wouldn't disappoint the Bishop, would you, Fay?

You're very sweet.

I love you.

You really do, don't you?

When I'm not with you, I walk about in a little private fog all my own.

I cut my friends, and I greet my enemies.

I read Omar Khayyam for breakfast and Shelley in the House of Lords.

I hear music in the streets and see flowers blooming in the gutter.

I'm responsive to beggars, and I comb my hair continually.

In fact, let's face it,

I've got it worse than any of god's creatures ever had it before.

Fay!

Arthur, dear, I'm ever so sorry.

Sorry?

Yes, it just can't happen, that's all.

Your trouble, my friend, is that you're so incredibly romantic.

Are you by any chance laughing at me?

What makes you think so?

You act so strange.

Are you laughing at me?

The reverse.

It's the first time in my life I remember not laughing at myself.

-Turn off that blasted thing!

-Leave it on, it's lucky.

If she keeps us waiting much longer...

you won't have the price of a cup of coffee.

Well, my luck will turn.

Not till you learn to deal like he does.

-What do you mean?

-Oh, you know what I mean.

Yeah, let me cut them cards before you deal 'em,

I can't stand this any longer!

I'm going to the cinema!

-You're going to stay right where you are.

-She's right.

We've been cooped up here 4 days and I'm going balmy.

Why shouldn't we get a round of it?

When Fay sends the word,

we've got to be ready to slip down there at a moment's notice.

When she sends the word.

If she was on the job, she could have spotted the layout in one night.

I'm going to a show. What about you, George?

You're going to stay right here.

Hey, leave her alone.

And keep your hands away from that knife.

What do you think you're doing?

We're all going balmy cooped up here.

Oh, finding things a bit dull, are you?

Fine set of criminals, I must say.

You don't even know the elements of your job.

We don't object to any legitimate precautions, but-

But what?

But we're not going to be double-crossed by no one.

And if anyone does, they'd better look out.

And you, William?

I'd slit the throat of anyone who double-crossed me, including yourself.

Shall I?

No.

-Mr. Charles West?

-Well, yes.

Do you wish to reply, sir?

-No answer.

-Righto.

Thank you.

-Is it from her?

-Yes.

In code?

Yes. Go to hideout.

-Will send you word.

-That's fine.

Well...

-It's up to us.

-Good.

She don't say if it's in the safe.

Oh, bring the acetylene anyway.

And fix the car, William.

Anna, you've got to take a return ticket from King's Cross.

Why?

She takes the necklace back to town.

There's the map, I've marked it.

Why can't I use the motor?

Because the necklace goes back to town with you by train.

Yeah, well, I'm off. Anything else?

Nothing...

unless you'd like to stay and slit my throat.

Come in.

I couldn't go to sleep without saying good night to you.

Why, somebody said you had a headache or a cold or something.

And I told Joan...

Oh, I'm quite all right now, thank you.

It's been a heavenly day and I've enjoyed it so much.

You should.

Pursued by every man in the house. Envied by every woman,

Except me, of course.

I'd rather have this cup of chocolate than the best male ever created.

-Want some?

-Yes, may I?

Well...

who got the final word...

Kelton or Arthur?

Both and neither.

You're not going to tell me.

I suppose you think I'm just a meddling old woman.

I think you're an old darling, but there's really nothing to tell.

Oh, they are lovely.

I've never seen such pearls.

Which proves that you know nothing about them.

Oh, but I do.

Fake.

I only wear the Ebley string for county occasions.

I like to see the envy of the old cats that live around here.

I'd love to see them. I'm sure they're worth looking at.

-Would you?

-May I?

-Oh, they're exquisite.

-Much too good for me.

I never felt really comfortable wearing them.

Oh, nonsense.

You were probably born to wear just such a string of pearls.

Think so?

Would you like to know where I was born?

Yes.

In the charity ward of a lying-In hospital in Dublin.

-Oh, you're joking.

-No, my dear.

I was a gaiety girl when I met his Lordship.

His family almost died of apoplexy when I married him.

I wish they had. I never did like them.

You want to know why I'm telling you all about my lurid past.

-Yes, of course.

-Because I like you.

You're not full of superficial nonsense like the rest of them.

By gad, I believe you're an honest woman.

That isn't all.

Honest women are usually respectable and dull.

You're a respectable woman, Fay, but you're not dull.

Because you have the soul of an adventuress.

I know. I have one, too.

We're really a lot alike.

I wish that were true in every way.

Go on with you child.

You'll turn my head. Good night.

Good night.

Fay!

They tell me Kelton wears long underwear, winter and summer.

I wonder what made me think of that.

Good night.

Fay.

Charles, are you mad?

I locked it.

-If anyone should hear you...

-Yes, but they won't.

I've installed the others in the hideout.

With binoculars from their upstairs window there's a...

commendable view of these grounds.

But it isn't safe.

Well, what ever is safe at our job?

What's the matter, dear?

You shouldn't have come until I gave the word.

But you did. Your wire.

I know, but I didn't mean.

-Has she the pearls here?

-Yes.

-You're sure?

-Yes, I tell you.

-Do you know where are located?

-Well, I'm not sure I...

-But your wire...

-I know, but...

So much has happened since then. It's hard for me to say.

You're not going through.

No.

I'm a welcher.

An awful welcher, Charles.

No, you're not, Fay.

You won't back out. Not now.

Too late.

I won't do it. I won't.

A few days ago I gave you a chance.

The cage was wide open. I begged you to get out.

I could have handled the others then.

-Charles...

-We can't fool them now.

Fay, we're both in this up to our necks.

It's too risky not to go through with it.

Mrs. Cheyney...

Oh, you're not in bed yet.

I'm glad I didn't disturb you.

Is anything the matter?

Oh, no, no. I was just turning in.

Ah, will you have a nightcap with me? It might help.

Yes, certainly.

Lord Kelton told the Duchess that you had a headache.

He asked me to look in and see if you were all right.

You didn't say good night to us, you know.

It was very remiss of me, but I was tired and...

Yes. Must have been quite a strenuous evening.

Not any more than usual.

Really?

Two proposals of marriage in one evening?

One from the richest man in England and the other from the most evasive.

There's been a terrific speculation going on downstairs.

As to which one you would accept.

Aren't you all jumping to conclusions?

Mmm, possibly.

But now, you will admit it's a pretty natural conclusion for us to jump to.

Lord Kelton is still unmarried at 50,

And of course Arthur would promise anything to gain his own ends..

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Perhaps we were rather jumping to conclusions.

Good night, dear Mrs. Cheyney it's such fun staying in the same house with you.

Hardly a dull moment.

-Good night.

-Good night.

Well, my dear, you haven't done so badly.

What do you mean?

We shot after a row of pearls and ended with a string of peers.

All right, so I've double-crossed you.

I've let you all go hang, is that it?

Well, answer me, is that it?

My dear, I never meant anything of the sort. Why should I?

Because it's true.

Shhh.

-You'll wake the house.

-I don't care if I do.

But I do.

Fay...

look at me.

You're trying so hard to blame yourself. You mustn't do it.

But you'll never blame me for anything.

You never do, only I know what you're thinking.

Well, you struck it lucky,

And I'm going to see you through.

-Even if...

-If what?

If it costs you your life?

Oh, listen to her.

You would give your life for me.

Oh, yes, you would. Well, you needn't trouble, see?

We're going right back to where we left off.

My dear, what sort of fellow do you think I am?

If

that girl hadn't spilled the beans, I should never have known.

You've got your chance.

It's up to me to see that you take it.

I'll get your pearls for you tonight.

You can go back to William and Anna and George and give them the glad tidings.

Now, if you want to call this off, you can,

But the game's still on for me.

Are you in it or not?

Yes or no?

-Fay?

-Good.

You know the plans.

They still stand.

There's a rose garden to the left of the stables, wait there for a signal.

I'll flash the lights in this room 3 times.

You know what it means?

It's goodbye to this.

And a good job, too.

And goodbye to Dilling.

Well, anyway, Charles, tonight sees the end of it.

I think I'm glad.

When you reach the ground, stay close to the house and give me about 15 minutes.

Right.

If the lights don't flash...

-I'll understand.

-They'll flash, all right. Don't you worry.

I was considered quite a Casanova in those days.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

I will never forget how she cried.

When the boat sailed...

it took two native policemen and her husband.

To stop her jumping in the Indian ocean.

-And following the boat.

-Oh, well, really, Willie.

I was young,

and she had large black eyes with a nut-brown skin and the most beautiful figure.

She had, eh?

Nut-brown skin. I've always...

How perfectly horrible.

There was nothing horrible about it.

Well, it-

No, she wasn't horrible, her mother was the trouble.

-Oh, really?

-Was she brown-Skinned, too?

Charles.

-Oh, good evening, Milord.

-Good evening.

-Aren't you a long way from home?

-Well, yes, rather.

-What brings you to Ebley so late?

-A cablegram for Mrs. Cheyney, Milord.

It arrived at 8:00.

There's a train at 9:15, and thinking it might be important,

I took the liberty of...

Your devotion to duty and Mrs. Cheyney is most touching.

Thank you, Milord.

Most butlers would have...

telephoned.

Yes, that occurred to me, Milord,

But it would have necessitated my opening the cablegram and reading it to Mrs. Cheyney,

And of course that would be unthinkable.

So you delivered it in person.

Mrs. Cheyney retired I gave it to the housekeeper.

-Good night, Milord.

-Just a moment.

We could put you up here for the night.

You could get a train in the morning.

Well, thank you, Milord, but there's a local at 1:55.

I have many things to attend to in the morning.

At least we can have you driven to the station.

Your Lordship's thoughtfulness is most considerate, but...

I shall enjoy the exercise.

It's 6 miles to the station, Charles.

Is it really?

It seemed less when I walked here.

You know, it's funny.

Every time I see you I'm under the impression that we've met somewhere before.

You look even more familiar with a hat on.

How careless of me.

I should've removed it immediately.

-Good night, Charles.

-Good night, Milord.

Come in.

-Is there anything you need, madame?

-No, nothing, thank you.

Would you like to have me sing to you?

Anything but that.

You may not know it, young lady, but I have a rather pleasing tenor voice.

I'm sure you have, but I'm not very fond of tenor voices.

Besides, I'm going to bed.

Aw, that's absurd.

It's perfectly beautiful out here.

Why don't you come down?

Do you suggest I jump or climb down the Ivy?

Well, evidently someone's tried to climb up the Ivy,

it's all torn away from the wall.

Really?

-Why, Arthur...

-Oh, no, no. Not I.

You'd better go to bed, young man, you'll catch cold.

No, seriously, someone has tried to climb up the Ivy.

I'm sure they haven't.

-Now, who on earth...

-The man on the flying trapeze.

I'll lock my door to be on the safe side.

Good night, Arthur.

Let's go.

Keep the motor going.

Charles was to pick these up, I suppose.

That's it.

All this business...

Kelton and me.

-Just part of the game.

-Certainly.

-Job at hand was these pearls.

-Exactly.

-For you and Charles.

-For Charles and me.

What made you suspicious?

I suddenly recognized your...

-What is Charles to you, by the way?

-My butler.

-No, I mean in his spare time.

-A friend.

A real friend.

How did you recognize him?

I didn't until I talked to him in the garden tonight.

Then I remembered 3 years ago at Biarritz when he was almost caught.

I gave him a sporting chance and sent

him running in the other direction, you see...

I really saved him for you.

You couldn't see your way to making a habit of it?

I have a horror at doing the same thing twice.

Terribly nice cigarettes.

I'll send you some.

That's sweet of you.

I'll give you my address tomorrow when I know it.

Thinking of changing your present one?

I have an idea you'll make it difficult for me to keep it.

One is always willing to pay a little bit more for something one...

really wants.

That's right,

But I don't think I want it badly enough to pay your price.

My price?

I haven't mentioned it.

Haven't you?

I confess I've wanted to spend an evening with you like this alone.

Ever since I first met you.

-I believe I even proposed marriage.

-But I refused.

You've made such fools of us all.

It's a pity not to allow you to complete it.

It has been quite amusing.

Splendid.

Let's keep it that way. Why not?

Amusing.

Oh, I see.

-So we revert to type.

-We do, indeed.

If I agree to stay, you say nothing?

-Nothing.

-And if I don't?

Let's not be squeamish. Let's play this to the end.

I feel quite flattered.

After all there's something rather attractive In being locked in a room with a man alone,

Even if it is against your will.

As crooks go,

Do you know the difference between Charles and you?

No.

Charles robs with a charm of manner.

You rob with violence.

Hmm, Sherry.

Champagne would have been ideal, however, this will do..

-Uh, may I?

-Oh, please do.

If I refuse to stay, what would you do?

You can't refuse.

As you've paid me the great compliment of asking me to be your wife,

I wonder if it would interest you to know that...

as a woman who's done nearly everything there is to do in this world.

This is one of the things I've never done.

Why do you smile?

-I thought we'd done with posing.

-You don't believe me?

-What a fool you'd think me if I did.

-But it happens to be true.

I wonder how I can prove it to you.

You couldn't.

It's too difficult.

I couldn't quite understand you not believing me,

And I'm sorry.

Because you happen to be the one person in the world I should like to have believe in me.

Since you don't,

I'll do the next best thing.

Just what does that mean?

That means if you don't believe I've never done this before,

you will at all events believe I'm not going to do it now.

Just as you like.

Ring the alarm and when they come, tell the Duchess who I am,

or unlock that door and let me go.

You're hardly in a position to dictate terms.

You can't keep me here against my will.

I intend to.

Do you?

Well, I prefer a thousand times

that they should know what's true about me than you should believe what isn't.

Unlock that door and leave this room.

You're not really trying to persuade me that you would ring that alarm?

Unless you unlock that door.

Oh, come, come, Fay dear, why the bluff? It's meaningless now.

You're much too sensible to risk doing 5 years in Holloway.

5 years in jail wouldn't be nearly as long as these next 5 hours with you.

Give me the key.

Very well, then.

-Do you realize what you've done?

-Perfectly.

It's Ames, madame. Is anything wrong?

What is it, Ames?

Is the manor on fire?

The burglar alarm is ringing from Mrs. Cheyney.

Well, go and find out what it is.

We can't, the door's locked.

-Mrs. Cheyney, Mrs. Cheyney.

-What is it?

-What's wrong?

-Don't tell it. I'll take charge.

Fay, Fay, I mean Mrs. Cheyney.

You find a way of getting me out of this room.

Why? Haven't you your key?

-Lord Dilling refuses to let me out.

-Let's break down the door.

Just a moment.

-What's that?

-Oh, well, all right. Here.

-What is the meaning of this?

-Good heavens.

Lord Dilling has something to say to you.

What is it, Arthur?

Yes, what is it?

-Would you prefer that I tell them?

-Speak up.

Yes, quite.

I got into this room under false pretenses.

In the presence of you all, I humbly tell Mrs. Cheyney.

That I have behaved like a cad.

A cad?

-Why, you're as low as I don't know.

-Why, Arthur I...

thought this sort of thing was only done in French farces.

You unmitigated cad!

I suppose because this nice girl had sense enough to reject you,

you decided she wasn't a lady.

I believe that sums it up.

Don't be frightened, my dear, I'm here now, and I will,

and I hope that every respectable person will cut you.

-Everyone should.

-Fay?

Except the insurance company.

They should love him.

Well, what do you mean?

My pearls.

Why, what is the meaning of this?

It means that I came here to...

I like them as much as you do.

-But you, you mean you were going to...

-Yes.

But I offered to...

Well, there must be some mistake.

None.

Well, I...

I'm not feeling very well.

Here.

Don't-

Ames, phone the police. No, no. I'll do it myself.

-Wait a minute.

-What do you mean wait a minute?

Don't you thing we ought to try and handle this thing with

as little vulgar publicity as possible?

Get me Scotland Yard quickly.

But, Arthur, the woman's a thief.

And the guest of honor in your house.

What an amusing little tidbit that's going to make for the neighbors.

Hello?

Is that Scotland yard?

Yes, I want to speak to inspector Witherspoon.

Oh. He's off duty. They expect him back any minute.

Well, tell him to phone you the minute he gets there.

Tell inspector Witherspoon to phone Ebley Manor the moment he gets in.

Now, won't you please let me handle this thing quietly?

Very well, Arthur.

Now go on. Out, all of you.

Only Ames. He's to stay here and assist us. Go on back to your beds.

-Don't you think I better...

-Oh, get out!

Arthur, let me know as soon as the inspector phones.

Oh, it's hard to believe.

I'm never wrong about people.

Console yourself, Duchess, you weren't so wrong.

You thought I was a respectable woman with the soul of an adventuress,.

Whereas I'm really an adventuress with the soul of a respectable woman.

Ames, you can go and get dressed I'll call you if I need you later.

But, Milord...

If a telephone call comes through from Scotland yard,

Have it put through on this phone. I'll take it here.

-Yes, but, Milord...

-I'll handle it from here, Ames.

Now we've got to think and think fast I'll get a car from the garage.

You can get what you like.

-I intend to get you out of here.

-And what will the price be this time?

-Are you mad?

-Not in the least.

Nor have I the remotest intention of running away, least of all with you.

Charles!

That won't be necessary.

Careless of you, Milord, to leave these things lying about.

I hardly think I'll need it.

I'm sure you don't, Milord.

What happened?

Oh, it's no use, Charles.

I bungled the whole thing.

Well...

all in the luck of the game.

-And his Lordship?

-Oh, he caught me.

Quite cleverly.

They've put a call through to Scotland Yard.

Inspector Witherspoon. Do you know him, Charles?

Oh, yes, slightly.

You gather my position in this matter, Milord?

Quite.

I'm afraid I don't quite follow yours.

All I want is for Mrs. Cheyney to get out of here as quickly as possible..

-That's the only thing that matters to me now.

-Oh, very generous, if I may say so,

But if you feel like that, why capture the lady?

It may...

Have you never heard of anglers who catch little fish.

And then fling them back again?

Oh, aren't we being a little unsociable?

Mrs. Cheyney is justifiably upset.

A little while ago I made her the most

appalling proposal as the price of her freedom.

Yes., he's been telling everybody about it ever since.

-He'll wind up with a halo.

-I admit I've behaved like a cur.

But a very human cur, Milord.

The essential thing is to get Mrs. Cheyney out of here..

Before Scotland yard becomes involved.

Charles, you've got to get out of here as quickly as you can.

I intend to remain for...

Well, for reasons of my own.

-What reasons?

-That's my business.

Oh, then I'll remain here, too.

But, Charles, don't you understand?

Where could I go?

My identity is known to all these people.

I would only be a question of hours or days at the most.

I'm not going through life always hunted.

It's really not bad once you get used to it.

Well, not for me.

So be it. We remain.

Hello.

One moment, please.

Inspector Witherspoon.

Tell him the call was a mistake.

Charles, I don't think we want to be patronized, do we?

Just as you say, my dear.

Lord Dilling speaking.

Forgive the presumption.

I'm sorry, but her grace has gone to bed.

Oh, important, yes, but not urgent.

Oh, yes, yes, the morning train would do I'll send a car to meet you.

Oh, you're driving down.

Uh, what's that?

Oh, don't thank me.

I'm only doing what any Englishman would do in a similar position.

Good night. Thanks awfully.

Charles, please go.

We sink or swim together.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Milord...

not three.

-Oh, thank you.

-Thank you.

Come in.

Inspector Witherspoon.

Oh, inspector. I thought you'd be here earlier.

Breakfast?

No, thank you. I like to get down to business.

I'd like to have you meet 2 friends of mine.

Mrs. Fay Cheyney, inspector Witherspoon.

It's a lovely morning, isn't it, inspector?

And Mister...

Oh, how do you do, inspector?

Exceptionally lovely morning, don't you think...

for this time of year?

If you've no objection, I'll change my mind.

I will have breakfast.

-Detective Witherspoon's here.

-Ooh, the police?

-I say, this is exciting.

-It's only what she deserves.

Oh, I'm sure Mrs. Cheyney will appreciate your sympathy.

Willie, how many years you think she'll get?

I should think that'll depend on the age of the judge..

You're surely not thinking of arresting Mrs. Cheyney?

I'll ring for you when I want you, Ames.

Yes, your grace.

Oh, when I think of her, so sweet, so modest, so unworldly, I can't believe it.

I don't, she... Where are the eggs?

Now what is it, Francis?

Are you persisting in your doddering fancy for this adventuress?

Well, we could send her away, perhaps to America, it's...

You mean set her free?

What about all the women in America she may take advantage of?

-Yes.

-And the men.

-You didn't really propose, did you?

-Why, of course he did.

She's the type that cautious rich men, wait 50 years for.

Stop it. I'll have some words with the inspector.

You're quite right, Kelton.

But first I need you ought to tell them why.

Oh, well, what's happened?

What've you done now?

I have behaved with simple dignity, I introduced our 2 friends to the inspector.

And asked them to entertain him while I had breakfast.

Oh, but this is horrible.

Arthur, Francis proposed to her.

It's worse than that. He did it in writing.

You did it in writing?

Yes, I did.

You mean you wrote her a letter?

The motion picture rights to it alone should be worth £10,000.

Oh, they're not...

-Look here. Did she show you the letter?

-No, no. She merely quoted from memory.

That's worse than being a thief.

I must defend her. She left out the more emotional passages.

Arthur, go in there at once and get that letter.

It's her property, the fact that she tried to appropriate ours.

-gives us no right to retaliate.

-Oh, don't be silly.

The police know how to do these things.

In that case, the letter will be read in court.

Oh, no, they couldn't. Here! No sugar, please.

I'm afraid you'll have to buy that letter, Francis.

And pay through the nose, too.

I think he ought to come out and face it like a man.

Well, this is frightful. I believe that you did this deliberately, Dilling.

It's a very fortunate thing, Kelton, that you're a wealthy man.

What shall I do?

-Care for sugar?

-No. No sugar.

It's the only really funny thing that ever happened here.

I can't help it. It's really very funny.

Yes. Joan's right. I'm screaming.

You all think it's very funny, do you?

You'll change your minds when you know what's in that letter.

I kept a copy of my first draft and every one of you is in it.

-What do you mean every one of us?

-I mean you're all in it.

You dare to mention our names in a letter that might become public?

What was that you say about us?

Well, I merely wrote my private opinion of all of you.

It seemed to me the proper thing to do.

The rattle of skeletons falling out of closets is positively deafening.

I believed it to be a duty to my future wife,

To define the people that she should or should not know.

-Am I a "should not"?

-Oh, but definitely.

-And I?

-All of you. Including you, my dear aunt.

Of course it may not be true that Willie was thrown out of his regiment..

-What, what's that?

-Won't hear of such a thing.

Cousin John, we'll leave, well, stop stuffing down that egg.

-Come along. You, too, Willie.

-It's is your fight...

Sit down, Kitty, we all may as well know the worst.

Perhaps you better read the letter yourself, Kitty.

Let's look...

-How dare you?

-What's this?

What's this you said about my wife?

Well, I merely said that it was evident to me that she preferred

to be with one of her alleged cousins rather than her husband..

And though I can understand it,

I cannot condone it. That's all I said.

-That's all you said?

-Yes.

That's all he said!

Well, it's a lie!

My wife would much rather be with me than with any other man.

Well, I don't doubt it I merely stated that she never was.

Well, well...

aren't you her cousin?

You mean her real cousin?

Of course he's her cousin.

Kitty, pass the letter to Maria.

First paragraph, top of page 3, dear.

Good heavens!

-Well, now, now, don't upset yourself.

-Upset myself?

-You scoundrel, you cad!

-But I only said...

That I'm a fallen woman,

That I got 10,000 out of old Lord Winfield for value received.

Why, if this were ever read in court I should never be able to hold up my head again.

Well, precisely.

Excuse me.

May I?

My sweet.

How did you know...

"A solitary drunkard?"

-Lord Kelton, I'll...

-Of course you will, Joan, dear,

But first you'll think it over,

Just as I'll think over his few choice statements about me,

All of them accurate,

But quite disgusting.

Auntie dear...

the history of all your mistakes...

in a nutshell.

So you've raked up that, have you?

Seemed such fun at the time, but I must say it looks awful in black and white.

Well, I tried to whitewash you quite a bit.

In other words, ladies and gentlemen, if this letter is read...

If it is given as evidence at the Old Bailey.

Mrs. Cheyney and her Charles will be condemned as criminals.

And the rest of us will envy them the comparative purity of their reputations.

What are we going to do with this woman?

Ah, let us be more logical.

What is this woman going to do with us?

Well, it's my view that we shouldn't for a moment let her think that the

letter is important.

We should offer her passage back to America,

and in consideration for the return of the letter, the matter is ended.

If not, she goes to jail.

Arthur, you handle this affair. That a*s has made a mess enough of things already.

Steady, dear, steady.

Never k*ll an a*s who may have to lay a golden egg.

Courage, my sweet.

Mrs. Cheyney...

-Won't you take a chair?

-Thank you.

As Charles was born a gentleman, mightn't he sit, too?

Ah, yes, of course.

Thank you, no.

I'll be brief, Mrs. Cheyney.

The position is as follows.

You have acknowledged quite frankly that in accepting the Duchess of Ebley's invitation

to stay here it was for the purpose of taking her pearls.

Yes. We planned it for months.

That's very frank.

The penalty for such things is considerable.

Very considerable.

Well, Charles and I think that with the charm of manner,

-We may get off with 3 years.

-Exactly.

Now, we have no wish to see this happen.

Lord Kelton seems to feel...

that when you have asked a woman to be your wife...

it would be ungenerous to treat her so drastically.

-Thank you, Lord Kelton.

-Oh, I, not at all.

Lord Kelton has a proposition to make to you.

-Oh, yes?

-Uh, yes.

If you'll accept your ticket to America and a small sum...

Uh, say, a thou... a hundred pounds,

In return for the letter I wrote you, we are prepared to consider the matter closed.

-Is it my turn now?

-If you will be so kind.

I'm sorry that I can't accept Lord Kelton's kind offer.

But Charles and I have decided we must go to jail.

-We have.

-But why?

You never succeeded in getting the pearls.

Precisely.

We failed and that's why we should go to jail.

If we'd got them, we should have succeeded,

A crime for which no one ever goes to jail.

You put it most charmingly, Fay dear.

But, my dear young woman, you don't understand us.

We don't want you to go to jail.

Then equally, dear Duchess, you don't understand us.

We do.

Good, heavens, woman,

You can't be serious when you say you want to go to prison.

Isn't it sad, Charles?

They don't understand us.

Tragic. I blush for them.

Charles and I, in our humble way,

have tried to live up to the highest tradition of our profession,.

A profession, in some form or other we're all members of.

And that tradition is never to be found out,

But if you are...

I say if you are,

Be prepared to pay the price.

I see.

Beg your pardon, your grace.

The police inspector wants to know why he was sent for.

Tell him to wait.

You see, Mrs. Cheyney, we're really terribly serious.

I think it's your duty to be, dear Duchess.

You're very stupid not to accept a good offer.

Instead of being taken away by a horrid policeman.

Not at all.

He may be charming.

As I shall never see any of you again,

I want you to know how much I've enjoyed knowing you all.

And how sorry I am to lose such nice friends.

Thank you, Lord Kelton, It was sweet of you to ask me to be your wife.

-Are you ready, Charles?

-Almost eager.

Oh, you needn't bother, we can find the policeman.

I think Lord Kelton with his customary munificence

desires to make you a further offer.

Yes, I'm prepared to offer £500

for the return of that letter..

-Which I call very generous.

-I prize the letter so much,

I don't think I can part with it for any amount of money you could offer me.

A thousand?

-But this is amazing.

-Come, come, my good woman.

What's your usual charge for the return of incriminating letters?

Well, speaking as one fallen woman to another,

There never have been any letters,

But if there had been, my charge

would depend entirely on the position and manners of the people mentioned in them.

And as I don't propose to stand here and be insulted, I will, with your permission,

say goodbye.

Fay, my darling, you're perfectly right.

Had I known they're the type of people they are...

I should never have allowed you to come and stop with them.

No, please. I agree. Maria was hasty, And I'm sorry. Please stay.

When she has apologized, I will.

Yes, say you're sorry at once.

-I'll do nothing of the sort.

-Very well. We're leaving.

No, no, no. Please wait.

-Say it at once, you understand?

-Will you say you're sorry at once?

Heaven, give me strength.

I'm sorry.

Granted.

-There.

-Now, where were we?

We've reached the point where

£1,000 was bid for the letter.

And refused.

Yes, Mrs. Cheyney, what will you take for the letter?

I'll offer 5,000.

You be quiet!

I'll do nothing of the sort.

-My money is as good as yours.

-As good...

Please, Mrs. Cheyney, will you answer my question?

Well, if I sell the letter,

I'll do so not in the sense of blackmail, but...

but more in the spirit of breach of promise for...

£10,000

Fay, my darling, it's giving it away. That's what it is.

Uh, 10 thousand...

-I Refuse!

-I'm so glad.

Because I'd much rather have the letter.

Francis, you have no alternative but to pay.

-And I have no sympathy for you.

-You better pay up, Francis.

But I refuse unless, unless...

£10,000, Lord Kelton.

This is terrible.

Terrible be blown. I'll give you 11 for it.

£11,000?

What do you charge for a course of 12 lessons, Charles?

I never charge, milady.

I'm a man who just loves his work.

The letter, please, Mrs. Cheyney.

There's your letter, Lord Kelton.

I hope you find all the pieces.

But you, you destroyed it.

I tore it up...

like this.

Oh, £10,000 down the drain, Fay.

And I tried so hard to make her a crook.

But why?

-Why did you tear up that letter?

-Because I was born with courage.

I had my share of dishonest inclination, but, what shall I say, decency?

I'm afraid I was given too much.

I don't know if you'll understand that.

You're a grand woman, Fay, a grand woman.

But I...

Why are you a crook?

I wanted to improve my social position. I was a shop girl.

-In a 10-cents store.

-That's where Charles found me.

I wanted to share the beautiful things in life,

And I'm not a modern woman.

When one is not a modern woman and one has no money,

There are only two ways of getting it.

Marry it or steal it.

I preferred stealing it.

The best pupil I ever had.

By Jove, Mrs. Cheyney, I sympathize with you.

Hear, and you know what I'll do?

I'll set you up in a little modiste shop all your own.

In appreciation.

How wonderful!

Thank you, Lord Kelton. It's very kind of you.

It's divine of him.

Mrs. Cheyney, I'll be your first customer.

-No. I will be her first customer.

-Yes. Send the bills to cousin John.

Mrs. Cheyney, you can count on me.

The world is filled with young men who want to buy me things.

You get the idea, don't you?

We're not very subtle.

If you ever need a pupil, Charles, You'll find me in the telephone book.

Oh, Thanks milady, I shan't need a pupil,

but I'm happy to know that I can find you in the telephone book.

-Your car's here, Milord.

-Oh, yes.

-Francis, will you give me a lift to town?

-Oh, with pleasure.

-I'll only be a moment.

-Hey, wait for me.

And do give me a call when you're in town, Mrs. Cheyney, and

we'll settle all the arrangements for your little business..

Eh, Mrs. Cheyney has change her mind, Kelton.

She doesn't want a bribe

for doing something that came quite spontaneously.

Lord Dilling is right, but thank you just the same, Lord Kelton.

Well, just as you say.

And if there's anything I can do for you, sir, I shall be only too happy.

Perhaps an introduction to the president of a bank.

Might be of service to you.

Ah, the president, oh, yes.

Well, I'll just goodbye.

Say, Francis, what you said about me in that letter?

Well, that was pure hearsay.

Oh, so you don't think I ever had a good time, huh?

-Oh, well, I...

-Now let me tell you something.

-Yes?

-It wasn't hearsay,

And it wasn't hearsay.

Well, I...

They're really nice people, aren't they, Charles?

Most of us are, my darling.

Well...

goodbye, my dear.

Bye?

What do you mean goodbye?

Well, what it means.

Whenever you come into a person's life...

Always come into it...

instantaneously,

And when you go out of it...

go out even more quickly.

Charles, I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, you mustn't do that,

But I'd be terribly disappointed if you didn't want to.

Oh, please stay.

It's no use. I'd have to be honest,

And that would bore me.

You mean you want to get away on your own?

That's it, my dear.

In some ways, you're the strangest man I've ever known.

Why so?

I don't know, but...

I wouldn't have you one bit different.

That's a happy thought.

-Is it a happy thought, Charles?

-Yes, my dear,

And it's going with me to China, to Peru,

Whither so ever my port of call.

I'll miss you very much.

Bless you.

Oh, by the way, Milord,

I hate parting with it because it's the first watch I ever took,

But, this is yours.

I took it from you at Derby day, 5 years ago.

My dear Charles.

I've always wanted to meet the man who took it.

I hope you'll do me a favor.

Keep it.

-Oh, may I?

-I want you to.

Well, that's very nice of you, thank you.

Well, so long.

Are you going around the world for pleasure, Charles?

Mixed with business, Milord.

-Well, inspector, here we are.

-I'd almost given you up.

Bargain's a bargain.

It is...

isn't it?

Don't you worry. Charles, you're a gent.

I try to be.

Isn't always easy.

Where are you going, Charles?

The inspector is giving me a lift to town.

Good-Bye.

Good luck.

Next to going around the world with the woman one loves,

I can't imagine anything more attractive than going around it with Charles.

You would enjoy it.

-You've so much in common.

-I agree.

You like him?

As much as a woman can like a man she's not in love with.

Fay, I'm going to ask you a question.

You needn't answer it if you don't want to.

I'll answer it with pleasure.

If you hadn't come into my room last night,

I would have taken the pearls.

-You mean that?

-Yes.

But of all the women you've ever known,

none was so glad to see you in a bedroom as I was last night.

You know, I believe that most of the good things that are done in this world.

are done unintentionally.

I wonder.

It's an extraordinary thing.

The most difficult question to ask a woman.

Is a nice one.

What sort of question were you going to ask me?

I was about to describe my hopeful contribution...

to your future.

Oh, please do. I'm interested.

You remember I told you about a certain bishop.

Who live nearby?

Very distinctly, Arthur.

This morning while you were changing your clothes...

I jumped in the car and went and had a bite of breakfast with him.

How surprised he must've been to see you at that hour.

I told him of a little trouble that I was in..

He said, "bring her here at 11:00,

And I'll fix it up for you."

And, uh, what was he to fix?

That I should be able to have breakfast with you every morning.

Oh, but I never eat any.

Yes. I told him there was a possibility of that.

Did you tell him anything else?

That I loved you.

I mean, did you tell him anything about me?

Everything.

He said, get her.

You'll never get another like her.

He sounds like a darling.

-I'd like to meet him.

-He asks us to be punctual.

Oh, so he thinks I'll come, huh?

He's even more sure of it than I am.

You see...

he says you love me.

I wonder what makes him think that.

He has an idea you wouldn't have rung that bell last night If you hadn't.

I know I shall like him.

Do you think he'll like me?

He'll adore you.

Do you?

Terribly.

What's more important...

-do you?

-Much more than terribly.

What's that?

That's the last of Mrs. Cheyney.

I'm so glad.

And that?

That's the first of Lady Dilling.