04x10 - Toilet Baby

[bunniefuu]

[MAGPIES WARBLE IN DISTANCE]

[PAPER RUSTLES]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Hello. You're up early.

- Can I join you?
- JACINDA: Yes, queen.

Wow!

So cosy in here.

- Is that a good book?
- Yep.

What's it about?

It's about two whales
meeting each other.

[METAL CLATTERS IN DISTANCE]

OLY: Mum.

Does this mean that you're back?

ANGIE: Yep.

[ANGIE EXHALES]

OLY: Well, this is nice,

us all bunking in together,
just like old times.

I actually think
there's so much to be said

for the non-Western model
of intergenerational households.

I don't want to sleep
in your room!

J, this is Grangie's house.

It's not fair!

[JACINDA STOMPS FEET]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Sorry, Mum.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

I might just have a rest.

Mum, I found out that
Shauna's boyfriend owns land

at the new site,

so she's moved the development
to his land.

That's obviously
a conflict of interest, right?

I should report that?

No, I just think...

I don't know.
She saved the trees.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SNORES AND SNORTS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

Oh, my God!

[SOBS]

[FOOD SIZZLES NEARBY]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION NEARBY]

TIM: Nice work.
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

TIM: It's gonna come up well.

I'm tired, but I'm not.

DOM: Hey, Rosa!

- TIM: Hey, Rosa!
- DOM: How you doing?

Big night last night.
Hey, uh, how's your back?

[DOM LAUGHS]

Did you want, um,
some fermented rye?

I got it from
Orange Grove Markets.

- Or a bloody Mary?
- No, thank you.

'Bye.

Rosa!

Mi amor, where have you been?

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Yeah, sorry, sí.

Um, it's because the party
went late

and I stay with Angie.

Is this because
I hated sleeping in that tent?

ANGIE: No.

Because that camping mattress
is bullshit.

It's like sleeping on
a, you know, yoga mat.

- It's just not the right time.
- To move in with me?

ANGIE: Yep.

So, when might be
the right time, Angie?

You know, 25 years from now?

I just don't understand
what's changed...

- [PHONE RINGS]
- ...in the 10 hours that you...

Rosa?

ROSA OVER PHONE: H-hello. Yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

[SOFTLY] Um, if Hector asks,

can you say I slept
on your tent last night?

- In my tent?
- Yes.

Why?

[DOOR OPENS]

I don't know what
you're implying,

but we don't all cheat
on our husbands, you know!

OK.

- Can you do it?
- I guess so. Yep. That's fine.

OK. Thank you.

- What was all that about?
- Oh, Rosa is nuts.

Hello, puchita!

Ooh.

Huh!

Are you all good, JJ?

OK, Mrs Grumpy Pants.

How you going?

- What...
- Is this toilet paper?

- J?
- JACINDA: Yes.

What's going on?

A Year 5 kid put that in my bag.

He called me a poo.

BOTH: What?!

He said I'm a toilet baby.

OLY: Oh, baby, come here.
You're not a toilet baby.

Those are not kind words.

Who is this little f*ck?!

Who is the Year 5 kid?
What's his name?

Reuben.

What kind of a jerk

picks on a little girl

three years younger than him?

We're gonna go to the school
in the morning,

we're gonna talk to the teachers

and we're gonna have
a sensible conversation.

SANTI: JJ, you are not
a toilet baby.

That is not true.

- [KIDS SHOUT PLAYFULLY]
- [BALL BOUNCES]

Is that him?

OK, that's fine.
Come here. Give me a hug

Have a beautiful day.
Don't stress about it too much.

Hey, buddy.

- What's your name?
- Reuben.

Reuben.
I'm Santi, Jacinda's dad.

Yeah.

Look, I know you've probably had
a tough life or something,

but it is not kind to call
anyone 'poo' or 'toilet baby'

and I'm sure you can agree
you wouldn't like it

if someone bigger than you
started picking on you

in the playground now,
would you?

- You mean like this?
- What?

You're the one
who called her a 'toilet baby'.

My brother showed me your Insta.

TEACHER: All OK here?

Yeah.

Oh, then, come on.

Oh, f*ck.

You've been divorced
for 10 years

and now you wanna move

to the other side of the world
with him?

How can you even
contemplate that?

I know.

It's just been you and me
for so long,

but you are an adult now, Reema.

And your father and I, we still
love each other so much.

Look, your father has had this
work opportunity come up there.

Otherwise,
we wouldn't have rushed this.

Reema, would you think about
coming with us?

I'm not going to London.

And, what,
drop out of uni again?

You could transfer.
We would find a way.

And Brick Lane Market,

Paris on the weekend, huh?

How about that?

Hmm.

There's another for you
to stay, no?

I like Rakim.

Yeah, he's... he's great.

Are you still in love
with Vince?

I just...

I feel like our story's
not over yet.

That's how I feel
about your father.

It's not the same, Mum.
You're old.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

What exactly happened?

Nothing happened! I slept.

In a tent?

- Sí. Yes.
- Ai, Rosa, por favor!

You sleep on an adjustable
organic latex mattress

with duck down topper
and 100% silk sheets.

- Well, not last night.
- Mm-hm.

Did you just lay there
all night?

Yes, in a sleeping bag.

[BOTH SPEAK SPANISH]

And did you use the same pillow?

[LAUGHS]

It's the vasectomy, isn't it?

You're not attracted
to me anymore.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

I read that it can happen to
women that go off the pill.

I just need to know, did you
have l*sbian sex with Angie?

Of course not!

Did you wreck that tent
with all that scissoring?

- And who was in whose bag?
- [DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

[YELLS]

- Hi, Gabe.
- Mum...

- [ROSA SPEAKS SPANISH]
- [WATER RUNS]

I saw you.

And?

And I know where you stayed.

If you don't tell Hector,
I will.

Gabe, nothing happened!

[MEDITATIVE MUSIC]

Yeah, no, I'm fine now,
you know. I think.

I'm just having
my Saturn return, you know?

ANGIE: Oh, yeah, I don't know
what I need all this stuff for.

When did I need all this stuff?

Mm. I think it's
the whole 27 thing, you know?

Like, there's
the Jimmy and Janis

and Cobain and Basquiat
and all that,

and looking at them and going,

"Oh, what did they achieve
when they died

"versus what if I died now?

"What have I achieved?

"Oh, I'm a teacher
and I hate it."

That is an aspect of it,

but it's also just
a really profound rupture point

in the life of a human being,
you know?

Like, nominally between,
like, innocence and experience,

and that's a really rough
transition to make it through.

And if you can make it through,
it's like a tempering.

It's like steel.

And then you kinda go,
"Hang on a minute.

"I've been indoctrinated into

"the ontology
of linear time here.

"That's bollocks.
Time's an illusion."

And if the theory of eternalism
is right

and all that fourth
dimensional thinking -

we have a lot of really nice
quantum physics-y equations

to support this now -

past, present and future
all exist simultaneously

within a block universe.

So, 27 is the same thing
as 57, as 5,

as pre-existence,
as non-existence, you know?

Bowie, time is an arrow
and it only goes one way.

[PHONE RINGS]

REEMA: Oh, sh*t.

It's OK.

Like, you're... you're still

in love with your ex

and that's why I wanted
to take things slow.

It's not easy to get over
your first love.

What? OK, I'm not sure that's...

I'm not... I'm not finished.

I care about you, Reema,

and I think you care
about me too.

We could have had a future,
but you were just avoidant

and that's... that's not cool.

Take your time.

You know, figure out what you
need to figure out, but...

I'm really sorry.

It's...

- It's not good.
- It's OK.

You'll, um... You'll call me
when you're ready.

[REEMA CHUCKLES]

- You're so arrogant.
- Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[WHISPERS] Marcus.

Marcus.

Could I speak to you
about something?

- Confidentially?
- Sure.

Um, I just want some advice.

- It has to be confidential.
- You said.

I've come into information
about something bad.

And I keep going
back and forth on it.

I'm losing sleep over it
and I keep thinking to myself,

"What would Daniel Ellsberg do?"

[CHUCKLES] Hang on.

Do we have a secret w*r on
the council books or something?

The new apartment site
that saved the trees?

Shauna's ex owns some of it.

[SHAUNA CACKLES NEARBY]

[LAUGHS] Guys! Look!

OK, so, there's this...

[LAUGHS] There's this woman

and she runs this thing
called Parrot Kindergarten

and she teaches these parrots

how to use a tablet
to communicate, right?

And then she, like, reads them
a bedtime story every night

about dragons.

[LAUGHS] And this one parrot
loves the dragon,

so she buys it, like,
a fluffy toy version!

And then she goes, "What do you
think of the dragon?"

And the bird goes,
"Happy, happy, scared."

[LAUGHS]

- It was so cute!
- So cute.

- MARCUS: Yeah.
- [SHAUNA LAUGHS]

Oh!

Isn't that
a mandatory reportable breach

of the pecuniary interests code?

- Oh, man...
- [SHAUNA LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Look at it!

Look at this parrot.
Look at how cute it is.

Do you reckon I should get one?
I should get one, hey?

- OK, imagine. Does it suit me?
- MARCUS: Looks good.

- Yeah?
- MARCUS: Yeah.

Marcus, can... I want that type.

Can you find out what that is?
I wanna get one.

[LAUGHS] So good!

What?!

Parrots! Oh!

You absolutely did
the right thing in telling me.

I'll handle it. Thank you.

You... you fulfilled your duty
under the...

Under the pecuniary interests
code of conduct

disclosure applications.

Yeah, that's it.

SHAUNA: "Happy, happy, scared."

- OK.
- [SHAUNA LAUGHS]

Thank you.

- [SHAUNA CACKLES]
- [EXHALES]

SHAUNA: Oh, my God! [CACKLES]

I've given it much thought
and consideration

and I've come to a decision

that the next one that we should
do is a Sun Ra marathon.

That's... that's, like,
a whole weekend project.

Probably longer. Are you
thinking brownies or shrooms?

Uh, I'm...

OK...I need your help

'cause Hector thinks
I cheated on him

when I stay after
your stupid party.

Cheated on him with me,
just to be clear?

No, but, realistically,
he would think that it was me.

- Why, realistically?
- Who cares? Doesn't matter.

- Whoever.
- But probably me.

- Mate...
- What?

I mean, Rosa and I have a vibe.
People talk about it.

It's nothing personal.
We have history.

Dom, honestly, it's me.

OK, he thinks I cheated
with Angie.

Angie.

[SIGHS] Oh, my God.

- ROSA: OK.
- Save some for the rest of us.

But my son thinks
it was one of you.

Me.

So, I need you both to help me

to convince Hector of the truth.

That nothing happened.

- DOM: Oh.
- Uh-huh.

- Well... Tss...
- TIM: Yeah.

What?

If you are being full and frank

in your marital disclosure...

You should probably mention...

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!

Don't you dare tell him
about that!

OK. OK.

Would you like
an espresso martini?

- No!
- [TIM SCOFFS]

- SANTI: Here you go.
- Thanks.

I can't believe it's my fault.

Yeah, who knew that stuff on the
internet stays there forever?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Everyone!

How was I supposed to know

that when I drew it
as a 17-year-old,

there'd be some little prick
named Reuben on social media

at J's primary school
seven years in the future?

Mummy, Papi,

why was I born in a toilet?

Puchita, come here.

You weren't born in a toilet.

[SIGHS]

Mummy just went into labour
on the toilet.

Why did Mummy go into labour
on the toilet?

Well, because Mummy didn't know

that she was gonna
go into labour.

You didn't know you were going
to have a baby?

No, I didn't.

So, does that mean
you didn't want me?

- No! No.
- No! No, no, no, no, no.

No, you were the best surprise.

That's why Ita calls you
'Sorpresa'.

Then how did you get pregnant
if you didn't know?

Can you catch pregnant,
like COVID?

SANTI AND OLY: No!

Um...

You can only get pregnant
by having sex.

And when two adults
like each other very much,

sex can also be really fun.

You said
you were in high school.

SANTI: Um...

So, you weren't adults?

- No.
- No, we weren't.

Is that how Gracie's dads
got pregnant?

Um...

Were you in the toilet, Papi,
when Mummy had me?

No, because Mummy had
a different boyfriend.

Who I broke up with.

That's good, because otherwise
I wouldn't exist.

Well...

I kind of wish I never knew
any of that

and now I'm going to bed.

OK.

Alrighty, and here we are.

It is $340 a week,
all bills included, and wi-fi.

Can do with some work,
but it's nice.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, right. It's nice.

Um, bathroom's on the landing.

Built-in wardrobes,
block-out blinds.

We all do shift work,
so you know when we get in.

- Yeah. No, that's cool.
- Mm.

And my bed is just
a few steps that way.

Does this, um...

- Does this face west?
- Yeah. Great sunsets.

SONG: ♪ We were walking so long

♪ I forgot

♪ Where we were going

♪ Found a place
we did not recognise

♪ And I

♪ I'm alright not knowing

♪ Hallucinating with
the morning light

♪ Cover me in fantasy

♪ Getting swept up
in a storyline

♪ And I... ♪

Probably not a good idea
if we're gonna be flatmates.

Oh.

♪ Let it take me out to sea

♪ Feel heavily

♪ No gravity

♪ You're the way I go

♪ Unconsciously

♪ We're winding
like an open... ♪

[VINCE SIGHS SOFTLY]

That feels good, Reema.

- Oh.
- sh*t.

Uh... Did you just call me
by your ex's name?

- That is not cool.
- Yeah.

- I am so sorry.
- That was, like, kinda bad.

- I'm so sorry.
- [LAUGHS] It's OK.

- [LAUGHS] I'm so sorry!
- [LAUGHS]

I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.

It's OK, it's OK.

Just don't do it again,

otherwise I'm gonna have to
call you Phil.

I kinda want you
to call me Phil.

Oh, really? Mm! Phil!

[LAUGHTER ECHOES]

SONG: ♪ Who's gonna smell
the rose?

♪ Who's gonna taste the bees
and the birds?

♪ Who's gonna sing
for our souls?

♪ I'm in love with this place

♪ If I could show you

♪ Your heart would change

♪ Who's gonna dance
in the moonlight?

♪ Who's gonna wish on the stars?

♪ Who's gonna sing
for your daughters

♪ And grow babies
after we're gone? ♪

[EXHALES]

♪ I'm in love with this place

♪ I'm in love with this place

♪ Love with this place

♪ If I could show you

♪ Your heart would change. ♪

ANGIE: Hi. [CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY]

Oh, I just did an ocean swim
and I was rescued by, um...

- Nathan.
- Nathan. By lovely Nathan.

She... she nearly drowned.

I was in a bit of trouble
when he found me,

but, oh, my God,
it was incredible.

It was magic.
You wouldn't believe it.

I swam with
this enormous green turtle.

[LAUGHS] For ages!
It was just incredible.

I think she had
a message for me.

I think she was trying to say

that the world is gonna be
better without us.

Brrr!

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[MUTED SPLASHES ECHO]

Ange,

what's really going on?

You've done this 180
on moving in with me.

You're acting completely mental.

I mean, messages from turtles?

If you want to blow up
our relationship again

after everything
we've been through,

I'm... I'm just not
gonna let you.

No chance.

You don't need this.

Need what?

Hey.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

[WEEPS GENTLY]

[PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

Oly. No, no, no.
Please, please, please.

Sit, sit. It's just a chat.
Please be comfortable.

Yeah?

Oh!

Olympia Chalmers-Davis.

What in the devil have you done?

Sorry, what?

This is politics.
Snitches get stitches, babe.

[WHISPERS]
That was confidential.

Wait, doesn't that make him
a snitch as well?

Very much so.
He's my number one snitch.

My little snitch b*tch.

Oh, it's a bit of a shame,
actually, Oly.

I really liked working with you,
you know?

You work very hard -
possibly too hard -

but it is none of
your f*cking business

if I'm still dating Brent,
you know?

And it's basically
his mum's place anyway, so...

Oh, is it?

No, that was a lie.

She is dead, but...

...you are very fired.

You're very fired.

- No.
- Yeah. Mm.

What about Canberra?

[LAUGHS] Oh, you're not coming.
Absolutely not, no.

Oly, you've got about 10 minutes
to grab your sh*t and leave.

OK?

So, just give your pass
to Marcus

and, yeah, off you go.

Thank you.

I always host the afterparty.

Mm, and Rosa unfortunately,
and probably accidentally,

had too much champagne.

Guilty. So, I let her
sleep in my bed.

Oh, no, no, I wasn't in bed.
I didn't even go to sleep.

And where was Angie?

Angie bailed at, like,
pff, 12:30, 1:00.

- Soft.
- TIM: Yeah.

You see?

Then why did you tell me that
you slept with Angie in a tent?

Oh, my God, OK, look...

It was after 3:00

and these two, they were
taking turns playing music

in the record player
like it's 100 years ago.

And they were, like, "Ah,

"we have to teach you
about Aussie music."

And with all those
horrible songs by the, um...

By the Cold Triffids.

- No, not the Triffids.
- Cold Chisel.

And then...

And then, they were, like,

"Oh, isn't it amazing

"how many Australian rock stars
are Scottish?"

Yeah, well,
it is actually amazing

how many, like,
seminal Australian bands

have Scottish musicians.

- Bon Scott...
- DOM: Malcolm and Angus Young.

TIM: And George.

- DOM: Yeah. Uh, Jimmy Barnes.
- TIM: Colin Hay.

- Uh, Jim Keays.
- John Paul Young.

Oh, my God!

Shut up.

And then I went to bed.

[SNORTS] Actually,

earlier...

What does he mean, Rosa?

Hm?

[ROSA MOANS SOFTLY]

Mm.

I was twerking on their marble
coffee table and I broke it.

DOM: Twerking to...

BOTH: 'Run To Paradise'.

[LAUGHS]

DOM: Which is, of course,

by the classic
Australian pub rock band...

- BOTH: The Choirboys.
- Close.

Who, incidentally,
are not Scottish.

- But were discovered by George.
- No!

- [SPEAKS SPANISH]
- TIM: In Adelaide.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Pero... twerking to pub rock?

Rosa...

SANTI: Hey, Puchita.

- JACINDA: Hi.
- SANTI: Can I come over?

JACINDA: Yep.

- Guess what.
- What?

I made you something.

A comic book.

Yeah, about a superhero named
Toilet Baby

who fights bullies.

You see?

She was born in a toilet
and it gave her superpowers.

She can teleport
through the sewers

and take down evil bullies
with her jiu-jitsu.

She can blast away her enemies
by manipulating water

and she fights crime
wherever it strikes.

- I love it, Papi.
- Really?

Oh! [GIGGLES]

Mwah!

[SIGHS]

Alright.

That's it. We're done.

Done what?

Crying.

[ANGIE WEEPS]

No more.

What now?

Now?

Fight it.

I know, I know,

you're not supposed to say
it's a battle with cancer.

[WEEPS] It f*cking is.

When are you gonna
tell the kids?

Oly?

Ol?

Is that what it looks like?

I'm unemployed and I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna be stuck forever
raising children

and I'm never gonna
make a difference.

[SOBS] Oh.

What?

[SOBS]

What?

This better not be because

you think it's selfish
to have a baby

in a climate crisis.

No, it's not that.

What is it?

Look, it's a big problem.

[ANGIE SOBS]

And we acknowledge that

and we remain hopeful.

A professor at Newcastle Uni

invented ultralight
printed solar panels

that can be made on
a regular printer.

[ANGIE SOBS]

They're building the Southern
Hemisphere's biggest battery

at an old coal-fired
power station in Munmorah.

And Nepal has renewed 40%
of their forests

by giving them back...
to local villagers.

And you have a big mess
of a family

who love you and JJ to bits.

The only thing I'm certain about
is that you will love this baby

as much as we all love her...

...and as much as I love you.

[CHUCKLES] Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[SNIFFLES]

[SOBS GENTLY]

This is your bit.

REEMA: Is that me and Rosa? Wow!

And here's the bit I do
jiu-jitsu to save the kitten.

That is so cool.

And here Tio Vince
and baby Malik

help me battle an evil Year 6er.

Hey, who are you talking to?

Reema. She's going to London.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi.

London, hey?

- How long for?
- Not sure yet.

Didn't want to come
to say goodbye to me?

Nah, not yet.

Guys? Toilet Baby!

Oh, yes, yes.

[CHIMING OVER VIDEO]

P.A.: Passengers for
flight QF463 to London...

Oh, JJ, I'm so sorry.
I've got to go.

It's OK. 'Bye, Reema.

I love you. 'Bye.

[SOFTLY] 'Bye.

It's gonna be OK.

[CHUCKLES]

This does look like me.

JACINDA: See?
Toilet Baby's support crew.

Grangie, Dum-Dum
and Auntie Edie.

So good!

JACINDA: And Tio Bowie.

This is very good, Sorpresa.
Lovely!

You haven't seen the best bit.

This is how she gets
her superhuman strength.

BERNARDITA: This is me.

- Ooh!
- And that is me.

Good one.

JACINDA: And see? Toilet Baby
restores justice and peace.

To the galaxy?

To the Inner West.

You need to send this
to that publisher.

This could be a whole series.

Yeah, maybe.

J, what do you think happens
to Toilet Baby next?

- She gets a pony?
- No.

- A puppy?
- No.

- How about ice cream?
- OK.

Actually, what happens next

is that Toilet Baby gets a
little baby sister or a brother.

What?

SONG: ♪ With my heart
in your hands... ♪

Yes!

♪ All your love

♪ It keeps me safe

♪ All your love completes me

♪ All your love, it makes me

♪ Stay

♪ You're the love I needed

♪ All your love

♪ It keeps me safe

♪ All your love
completes me... ♪