01x02 - Ruby

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: Ain't Nothing Going On
But The Rent by Gwen Guthrie

♪ Cos ain't nothin' goin' on
but the rent

♪ You got to have a J-O-B

♪ If you wanna be with me

♪ Ain't nothin' goin' on
but the rent. ♪

You're so naughty!

Hello! I... I don't know
why they did that!

Dennis, you know if I was there,
it would have been different!

SHE CHUCKLES

Gorgeous.

She'll be with you by 8pm.

All right, darling.
All right, bye-bye.

Hello. Take a seat.

Fabulous.

Oh, it's a fabulous place,
this, in't it?

So. Alma, is it?

Yes.
Yeah, we'll need to change that.

You need something that says
"girl next door" or "exotic beauty".

Not "I'm odd".

Hmm.

Well, actually, Alma means soulful
in Latin and I've always...

Ruby. That works.

Right, OK, I don't know, can I not
try something a bit more exotic?

No. No? All right.

So, I know we spoke on the phone,

but I want to be very clear
with you.

There's a myth that it's escorting
lonely gentlemen out to dinner.

It's not.

It is sex.

Yes. But the money's great.

I mean, I used to be an escort,
and look at me now, babes.

Run three businesses, own two homes.

Mm! Yeah.

And I made a f*ck
off bitcoin, so...

Fabulous.

I know.

So what do escorts wear, then?
Do you know, I don't know.

I suppose I need something that says
I'm classy, sophisticated...

And I'll shag you for money.
Exactly.

What did Billie Piper wear
in Secret Diary Of A Call Girl?

A suit, I think.

She wears a suit to go have sex?

That looks good.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes, I am.

Do you know, at first
it was just about the money

and then the more I thought
about it, I realised I'm actually

up for all of it.

I've not had a shag since Anthony.

Just go on Tinder,
like a normal person.

God, Tinder, round here? No, ta.

Do you know, I've only
ever slept with local f*ck?

I want to see the world, Leanne.

I want to see what other c*ck
the world has got to offer.

As far as romance goes, I've not had
the most desirable back catalogue.

Me and Anthony spent most
of our time fighting, shouting

and shagging for
the first few years.

It was strangely thrilling.
Then it just stopped.

He started requesting sexual favours

as casually as asking for a brew.

Can I bum you tonight?

You'll have to be quick -

Strictly's on.

All right, well, come on,
put the biscuits down,

get your knickers off,
let's be having you.

That's not bad at all, that.

What a charmer, eh?

Listen, this is a fresh start
for me, and I'm up for it.

I'm going to have a f*ck
of money

and lots of new, exciting
sexual adventures.

Without the heartbreak.

Becoming a prost*tute
is the world's worst rebound, Alma.

Oh, God, do I look OK? I feel odd.

God, I think I'm sweating.

Do I look clammy to you?

There's a fine line, in't there,
between glow and clam?

I just need to relax.

I feel like a fish.

Listen, love. I've driven loads of
girls on their first job.

It's going to be fine. Trust.

Yeah, yeah, you're right,
aren't you? Yeah.

I'm just a sexy, fabulous
woman of the world

making some money, some moolah.

You are a goddess.

You are a sensual
woman of the world.

Ready.

When you go in, just walk
with purpose and confidence

past the ushers and the reception.

Don't hesitate.

Purpose, confidence.

Purpose and confidence.
Purpose and confidence.

Purpose and confidence.

Sexy b*tch. Sexy bit...
I don't feel like a sexy b*tch.

sh*t.

I feel like a fish.
Oh, God, f*ck. Sexy fish. f*ck.

OK. f*ck.

Come on, be a sexy fish! OK.

All right, then.

Can I help you?

Er... Are you a guest?

No, I just need a wee.

Library, just across the road.

OK. Ta.

The f*ck is she doing?!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Well, you're just going to have
to get yourself a normal job,

then, aren't you? Ooh.

No, I don't think I'm meant
for normal working life, me, Leanne.

I feel like I've been born
in the wrong social bracket.

I should have been a baroness

or a Kardashian.

What about that job in SubNGo?

I'm unemployable, Leanne.

Yeah, that's true.

I love you, Alma, but even I
wouldn't employ you. Hm.

Bill, would you employ Alma?

No, I bloody wouldn't.

I wouldn't employ you either
if I had the choice again.

Oi, that's very hurtful.

I bring a lot to the table.

That's a point, though.

You don't have to tell the truth
when you're applying for a job.

Do you not?
I told Bill that I had a degree

in hospitality management.

Yeah, I were 'oodwinked.

By the time he'd found out
my entire CV was a lie,

I'd already won him over
with my magnetic personality.

Mm! Ooh, I could pretend to be
your employer reference.

I had my cousin's boyfriend's dad
pretend to be mine.

I were on t'phone with him
for half an hour.

Cheeky b*stard.

It wasn't just about the money,
though.

I wanted the sex and adventure.

You know, I could see myself
whizzing through the city

of Manchester with money.

Sex And The City style, you know?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sexy. You know?

What you doing? Hang on a sec.

No! Hang on!

What you up...? No, give it
back now. Wait, wait! Oi!

There you go.

You've got a Tinder profile now.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

That is all the sex and adventure
you need.

Is it?
Yeah, it's wild out there.

Trust me.

I got sent this...before breakfast.

Oh, God.

What IS that?

We're not sure, are we, Bill?

I don't want to talk
about that...picture again, Leanne.

He's too soft for it.

You've got to be brave to weather
the sexual storm of Tinder.

Tinned what? Tinder.

Online dating.
Online dating?

You don't need to do that shite.

You just need to find someone
who digs your bag of weird.

JIM INHALES FORCEFULLY
Don't you, Jim?

Oh... He's not who I thought

I'd end up with.

I thought I'd be with someone
like Sid Vicious, me.

He smokes too much for a start,

and then his lack
of self-esteem affects his posture.

It does, yeah. But we're happy
as clams,

aren't we, Jim? As clams, yeah, Lin.

So tell me more about this Tinny.

Well, you can request a d*ck pic.

Apparently it's a dead normal
thing to ask.

Really?
Yeah.

What, like a...

..try before you buy?

Yeah.

Oh, fabulous.
I know. Ah.

Women have had to endure
disappointing penises

for far too long.

No woman gets an orgasm
from shining the kitchen floor.

Grandma likes to speak in feminist
sound bites.

Started with her divorce

and got more intense as she
discovered '90s feminism.

She'd drive topless on hot days
and beep her horn at men because...

If men can do it, why can't we?

She had the Kama Sutra on VHS

and she'd show it to anybody
who'd pop round.

She used to work as an Ann Summers
party host too,

so the garage was always full
of sex toys.

I once opened up a box
of key ring c*ck,

gave them out to all my friends
at school

cos I thought they were
Beaker from the Muppets.

Life's too short
to stuff a mushroom.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, come on, stop...
stop ganging up on me, you two.

I won't come again. Right...
We're just teasing.

Yeah, well, it's a bit early
for that, don't you think?

All right, Mum, don't bring us
all down on our second meeting

in nearly a decade.

OK, everyone just...

Just a laugh.

It can get nasty with us
pretty quick.

The best thing to do is find
something we all mutually hate

more than each other.

Too many people with beards in 'ere.

Ugh. I agree.

Thank f*ck for that.

People with beards shouldn't be
allowed to eat in public.

Oh, can we go outside?

I—I prefer the outdoors.

It's the Nicaraguan shepherd in me.

You what?

She did Ancestry.com last year.

You can trace us all the way back
to the mountains of Nicaragua.

And I tell you what, I think
that is a lot of our trouble.

We're not meant to be here.
We're meant to be in the mountains

playing the marimba.

Maybe I should take you
back to t'hospital with me!

SNEEZES

Jim...

"Why do you want to work
at SubNGo?"

Um...

DOOR OPENS

WHISTLING

Oh... Do you know, I'm really
regretting this key.

Stop everything you're doing,
I need all your focus

on my Tinder profile. God,
YOU don't waste any time, do you?

I've not been off the thing.
I've got dicks coming out my ears.

I ended up in a salsa club
last night

and nearly had another
partial prolapse. OK.

Ooh.

Do you know, I've not even
had one swipe right yet.

PHONE BEEPS

Another one! Hee-hee!

Oh, no - dog lover.

What's wrong with a dog lover?

I don't want to make love to a man

who is emotionally involved
with an animal.

OK. So will you read these interview
questions with me?

Yeah, OK. What is it?

I'm applying for a job at SubNGo.

Good. About time.

All right, go on, then.

Why do you want to work at SubNGo?

Because I like sandwiches.

No.

Yeah, cos, cos, cos I LOVE
sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, and...?

Because SubNGo is a sandwich shop
with a dream.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I'm not afraid to make
a butty that's a bit out there.

Been making sandwiches
for yourself for years!

I've made sandwiches before.

I'll make them again.
Why not do it professionally?

You're passionate about bread.

I LOVE it. How much?
I REALLY love it.

Don't believe you. I LOVE IT!

I want to f*ck a sandwich!

Come on! Show me that sandwich!

Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

I AM a sandwich!

Sandwich! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

I've always loved sandwiches. Yeah.

And I can see myself as somebody...
Yeah!

..who can make sandwiches here.

And where do you see
your career going?

Well!

I see myself as quite
a Julie Walters, actually -

you know, start off on stage.
Before I know it, I'm in film.

National treasure by 50.

I mean, as a sandwich artist.

Oh, God, of course. Yeah, sorry.

Um, well, I see myself doing what
you're doing.

Get one of those
funky little numbers.

"Supervisor", you know?

I could do that.

Here at SubNGo,

we're a global family and every
person brings something unique.

What do you think YOU bring
to the SubNGo family?

Um, well,

I'm a Libran, ascending to Scorpio.

So quite unique.

I've got the tranquil charm

of a Libran, but the drive

of a Scorpion unafraid to blaze
her own trail.

So... I mean, when I say,
a trail that blazes, you know,

within the rules of a corporate
structure, I'm not going to...

I trailblaze, but very quietly,
you know,

if-if-if you know what I mean.

We're not corporate.
We're a family here.

OK, right.

OK.

Let's start with a couple
of trial shifts.

You're joking! Mm-hm.

f*ck off!

Not in that way,
but that is amazing!

Thank you so much,
this is fabulous! Whoo!

I'll tell you what, you won't regret
it because you're getting the best

of an air and a water sign with me.

Best of both, like the bread.

Ooh - sandwiches!

Welcome to the family.

We don't call them barms, Mary,
we call them baps.

Is THIS all right?

"Hi, Gaz..." Oof - Gaz?!

You're not going to shag a Gaz,
are you?

Mustard? Yeah, please.
"Hi, Gaz.

"Cool snake..."

He's got a pet snake, you see.

Is snaky Gaz really
the man for you?

I can't lose him, Leanne,
he's my only match.

All right. Well, how about this?

"Hi, Gaz. Cool snake..."

And then summat a bit sexy.

Gherkin? Yeah.

A bit sexy?

Yeah.

Should it be snake-related?

Definitely. See?

OK.

Got it. "Hi, Gaz, cool snake.

"Looks very big."

Yeah?

"Can't wait to see it in person."

Aubergine emoji, snake emoji

hand-covering-face emoji.

Yeah, something like that.
Here you are, love.

PHONE BEEPS

I've sent it. What?

We were in the spitballing phase,
Alma,

we were not in the sending phase.

That was all right, though,
wasn't it? That was... Mm!

Not good? Not OK?

Well, how do you delete
messages on Tinder?

You can't.

Well, that's ridiculous, in't it?
I mean that's, that's stupid.

I mean, somebody should do something
about that.

They should start a petition
or something.

Right, give it here,
let me sort it out. Oh, my God!

What are you doing?
Hang on. Hang on.

Careful because me and you
are very different. Hang on!

Honestly, Mary,

she's got a sexual magnetism
that permeates through Tinder.

It's wild.

God. Ugh, guitar, gross. Huge nose.

Ugh, pouting.

All right. He's all right, yep.

All right. Right.

There...you...go.

I got you a date for tonight.

Oh, my God. And two pending.

Oh, my God!

God, you're a machine.

Do you know, it's fantastic,
in't it? I've got a job,

I'm dating.
I'm a normal human being.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh!

Sorry, Mary.

But my real passion...

..is taxidermy.

What's that, then?
The art of preparing,

stuffing and mounting

the skins of dead animals
with lifelike effect. Right.

That sounds...well,

f*cking horrible,
to be honest, John.

It's preserving animals.

It's an artform.

OK.

So your profile picture -
when's that actually from?

Cos you look quite different now.
Do I?

Yeah, I mean, you had hair,

and you were less...here.

So, how long have you been
on Tinder, then?

Not long.

But I have to be honest,
I'm going on a lot of dates.

So don't be getting jealous.

Oh, I won't.
I'm really enjoying it, actually.

I went on a lovely salsa date
with a very sensual woman

called Joan the other day. Joan?

Head-to-toe in animal print,
she was,

which, of course,
as a taxidermy enthusiast,

that's a big turn-on for me.

Oh, my God. I think you went
on a date with my grandma.

Really?! Wow.

How fun!

Do you fancy pudding?

No.

Oh, you look fantastic.

One of the family.

The thing is, I'm not sure

about the sort of masochistic
sandwich on the front here.

It doesn't feel very me.

You know? What, Sergio?

Everybody starts out wearing
this little lad.

It's where I started out.

Look at me now.

Yeah, well, I think I'm all right
with the T-shirt.

But it's the hat.

You see, I suffer from very bad
hat hair.

It's severe. And if I put this on,
even just for a second,

to be quite frank with you, Gregg,

I'll be ruined. Sandwich artistes
must wear hats.

Brand values.

Any wiggle room?

♪ Tell me when you're getting bored
and I'll leave

♪ I'm not the one who
put the chain around your feet

♪ I'm sorry for all of my
insecurities

♪ But it's just a part of me... ♪

You've missed a bit.

♪ Envy is thin because it bites
but never eats

♪ That's what a nice old Spanish
lady once told me

♪ Hey, Debbie Downer, turn that
frown upside down and just be happy

♪ I don't ask too much of you

♪ It's true
and I can't read your mind... ♪

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm eating my muffin.
You have to ask me!

I've got a sandwich shop
to run here.

OK. Would you mind,

during this mad rush,

if I took a break, Gregg?

Well, you're not supposed
to just take food.

I thought we were allowed one
muffin per day.

You have to ask.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to put
a sad face on the board, Alma.

♪ I don't ask too much of you

♪ I used to wonder what to wear

♪ Don't stop listening
I'm not finished yet... ♪

Hello! Welcome to SubNGo,
the home of Sergio the Sub.

Who, I have to say, in my opinion's
quite creepy.

He's actually a sub eating
a baby sub.

Bit weird - cannibalism.

But anyway... What can I get you?

You got anything...healthy?

To be honest, no.
I mean, look at Gregg.

He eats two a day.

He's f*cked.

The healthiest thing we've probably
got is the salad.

But to be honest, I wouldn't touch
one of those tomatoes -

it's been there four days.

And the bread!
I mean, look at this!

It's like cement.

You know? We can't even legally call
this bread "bread" any more.

Look at that!

I wouldn't b...

Right, forget internet dating -
that didn't work.

No, it did not.

We're going to have to do this the
old-fashioned way -

get you hammered, find a man you
don't fancy, sleep with him anyway

and see if he grows on you
over time.

Right.

OK. Got your pick of the litter
in here tonight.

A bit of a runt litter, Leanne.

Here, some of the best
shags I've had

have been with the most
unusual of men.

Take him, for example.

Behind that doughy exterior
is a lion of a man.

Trust me.

What about him?

He's not awful. Great start.

Now, give him a smile. OK.

Hello.

Sorry. Oh, God, no.

Uh, you look very familiar. Sorry.

You very much look like my cousin.

Sorry. Yeah.

Hello. Sorry.

What the f*ck was that, Alma?

I don't know. I just panicked.

And to be honest, he does look a bit
too like my cousin to have sex with.

This is what happens after years
of being in a relationship

with an a*usive prick like Anthony.

You chip away at your self-esteem

until you can't even
smile at strangers.

You were never like this
until you met him.

Well, no more.

It's time to embrace
your fabulousness, Alma.

Is it?

I'm not sure it is.

It is.

I'm hot. Say it with me now.

What, now?

OK. I'm hot. I'm hot.

I'm sexy. I'm sexy.

And everybody wants to f*ck me.

LOUDER: And everybody wants
to f*ck me.

CHATTER STOPS ABRUPTLY

Oh.

CHATTER RESUMES

Right, let's get shitfaced
and see what happens.

You do look a lot like my cousin.

f*ck it.

God, that's a fabulous lamp.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah...

Oh... Oh...

Oh, sorry.

Er, can you carry on?

No, it's just, I don't think I can.

Why?

I—I feel guilty.

What?

I've got a girlfriend, you see.

What?!

I'm sorry, I just...I couldn't
help myself, could I?

But now I feel really guilty.

So, not only a sh*t shag

and a boring pissant,

you're actually a sh*t boyfriend
to someone too.

f*cking hell.

Oh... Do you know what?

I should have been paid for this.

Actually, yeah.
No, I'll have my taxi fare.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah, cough up.

No, I'll have more than that,
please. Where else you got in there?

That'll do.

Yeah, lovely.

Thank you...very much.

Do you know what?
I'm having the flamingo.

Hey, not the lamp.

Oh, f*ck, I love that lamp.

f*ck you very much.

You're late.

No hat?

I know, I'm sorry,
because I-I overslept.

I was on the back foot,
I ran out, forgot the hat.

Dashed. Late. Sorry.

Now, you know what I SHOULD do,
don't you?

I should finish off
that half face.

f*ck's sake.
That's what I SHOULD do.

But I'm going to be kind to you.

It's not kind, is it, Gregg?

Because if you finish that half
face,

that completes the three sad faces,

and then you'll have to let me go,

and you'll have no-one
to work for free

on the degrading list of tests
you've set for me

under the condescending title of
"sandwich artist", will you, Gregg?

Well, I'm going to do
a quarter face.

Just do the full f*cking face,
Gregg.

Well, I might! Do it.

Well, I'm going to do the eye.

Let me help you, Gregg.

I think you should leave. Fine.

I want my muffin back.

It's not YOUR muffin, though,
is it, Gregg?

You didn't finish your shift -
you don't get another muffin.

Just one more thing.
If you die tomorrow,

this SubNGo family of yours,

they would replace you
within the week.

And, you know, I know I was a bit...

..but I'm feeling very,
very confident now.

I'm up for it
and I just want to get back on.

Back on...on...on with everything.

So what's the change of heart about?

Well, I got a job at SubNGo
and joined Tinder.

That'll do it.

Yeah.

Aren't you an actress?
Well, I want to be.

Well, that's all this job is.

You're playing a role
for a very intimate audience.

Yeah, you're right.

Be the best-paid acting job
I've ever had. Yes, it will.

Right, I'm an actress.

You ready?

Yeah.

♪ On our block all of the guys
call her flamingo

♪ Cos her hair glows like the sun

♪ And her eyes can light the skies

♪ When she walks she moves so fine
Like a flamingo... ♪

Hiya, I'm Ruby.

♪ Some sweet day I'll make her mine

♪ Pretty flamingo

♪ Then every guy will envy me

♪ Cos paradise is where I'll be

♪ Pretty flamingo... ♪