01x03 - The Richard Gere

[bunniefuu]

DOOR OPENS

MUSIC: Dirty Cash [Money Talks]
by Adventures Of Stevie V

♪ Money talks
Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Money talks

♪ Dirty cash, I want you

♪ Dirty cash, I need you, whoa. ♪

I've been fully booked all week.

Last guy, he played for Man United.

Who is it? I couldn't possibly say.

Boring.

He's an athlete, Leanne.

And my, oh, my, could you tell.

My God, he was throwing me about
all over the place. It was fabulous.

And then at the end of it all,
HE paid ME!

Ridiculous, really.

I feel incredible.

You look like a chinchilla.

Now, that is sensational.
We're getting that.

Oh, it's too expensive, Alma.

Listen, for the first time
in my life, I've got money.

I can buy what I want,
when I want, for who I want.

Let's enjoy it, Leanne.

Woo!

♪ I want it all, all that you got
All at the same time

♪ I've got the looks, I've got
the brains, I'm in the spotlight

♪ Straight from Milan
Down to Japan just for some sushi

♪ I'm drinking tea, yeah
With the Queen in her jacuzzi

♪ Yeah, I'm the best
and all my friends are so successful

♪ I told you once, I told you twice
but you're forgetful

♪ I told you once, I told you
I told you once, I told you

♪ I told you once, I told you
Everybody get in line

♪ Baby, I'm a first-class b*tch
First class

♪ Baby, I'm a first-class b*tch

♪ Baby, I'm a first-class b*tch
First class

♪ And I know you love it. ♪

Once you commit to a turban,
your whole personality changes.

I feel it. I feel different.
Better.

I mean, look at me. Look at
my posture. I'm like a peacock.

I'm cosmically ordering positivity
in this turban.

You look like a sultan.

You look a CEO. Do I?!

You do.

LEANNE GASPS

Right, c*ck.
But it's not even 12.

I've not had second breakfast yet.
Well, call it brunch, then. Fine.

Acting lessons.

Thanks.

Alma! Ooh!

Bolton Acting School.
It's a sign.

It's the turban!
Right, let's check it out.

♪ Baby, I'm a first-class b*tch. ♪

You don't think we're a bit
overdressed? No, I do not.

If anything,
I think we're underdressed.

And that's why, class,
you should never say yes

to a sex scene
before you've read the full script.

Thanks for sharing, Lesley.

You can sit down now, love.

Can you sit?

Well done.

DOOR OPENS, THEY LAUGH

Yeah, er, can I help?
Yeah, I saw your sign outside.

I want to be an actress.

Ah, no, big mistake.

We're not doing a panto this year.

No, I want to be...
a serious actress.

Oh, right, yeah. I can, yeah...

Just you? Yeah. Not the two?

Only there's a lot going on there,
in't there?

Damn right there is.

Well, you've come
to the reet place, c*ck.

Yeah. Creme de la creme of acting
training, this. Fabulous. Yeah.

We've had them all here.
Haven't we?

We had, er, Paddy McGuinness.

That woman off the Halifax advert.

You might recognise Brian -

he played a dead body on Doctors.

Right.

All right, Brian, stop showing off.

But it's £100 for five sessions,
and you can start Saturday.

Fantastic. Yeah?

Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!

I'll see you then. Mmm.

c*ck? c*ck. Right.

Bit early for that, isn't it?

Do you know, I'm not just shagging
people on this job, you know.

I'm actually more of a therapist.

And how do you work that out, then?

I wouldn't share this with Leanne.

She's surprisingly squeamish
about the whole thing.

But it's not all glamour
and posh hotels.

MAN SOBS

I'm an awful man!

I can't f*ck you!

I can't f*ck my wife!

I'm a failure.

A lot of the job is just
holding old naked men in your arms

while they cry at midnight.

SOBS

Don't worry about it, Clive.

You're not the first
and you won't be the last.

VOICEOVER: Very much like
going to bed with a raw chicken.

And people have some pretty niche
requirements.

You poor, dirty little wh*re.

Tell me how you coped,
you dirty girl.

Your poor family. How did they cope?

VOICEOVER: There's a lot of thinking
on your feet - and off them.

We're on family tax credits?

Yeah, yeah, tell me more.

Er...we ate a lot of Spam.

Ooh, yeah. Did you wash?

What? Did you wash?

Er, no, never, never washed, no.

The same knickers every day.

Oh, I bet you did, you dirty girl.

Did you have electricity?

Oh, no, no, no electricity, no.

Just candles. Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I was a poor, dirty girl

who ate a lot of Spam
in candlelight.

HE GRUNTS

What's THAT look about?

I just worry about you.

You've had a difficult upbringing,

a bad break-up with a toxic prick,
and now you're a...

WHISPERS: ..prost*tute.

What's my childhood
got to do with it?

Why do people always psychoanalyse
sex workers

and question how empowered they are?
Do you know we don't do it

to anybody else
in any other profession?

You don't go
into a telesales office, do you,

and go, "Ooh, Sue on the phones -
is she empowered

"or is she just loudly
selling carpets

"cos she's a middle child?"

I tell you what,
money is empowering, Leanne.

Money.

Hey! I invited Chris.
Sorry, I forgot to tell you.

This is supposed to be our day.

Well, we've had all morning, and I
really want you to get to know him.

Hey, Alma. Hey, gorgeous.

She met this one on jury duty.

She usually finds an excuse to dump
a bloke after the first week.

CONSECUTIVE SIGHS

He's got a blog.

His chin's too small.

He likes to cuddle after sex.

But it's been three weeks now,

and he still seems to be wearing
my mate's face like an oxygen mask.

They've started speaking in we's
instead of I's.

Hey! We're cooking a stew tonight -
why don't you join us?

No, ta.

I refuse to become
some sort of weird pet

in this sickly arrangement.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

WINE POURS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Oh!

It's fabulous.

Ruby. Oh!

Oh, God. Sorry!

It's Phil. Hello.

These are very nice cushions.

Yeah. Yeah. They are, aren't they?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The sort of cushions
you'd expect to find

in a really plush Parisian brothel.

Is that right?
Well, I'll take your word for that.

I've always enjoyed the decor
in here.

It's almost arrogant, isn't it?
It IS arrogant, yeah.

Cushions at the bar,

doorman who looks like a tree.

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

I think that's the great thing about
having money, though, isn't it?

If you want to dress someone up
like a tree,

you're not mentally ill,
you're forward-thinking.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

I mean, that was the kind of
foolish thing I did. Really? Yeah.

I'm a very indulgent man.
Mmm, I gathered.

So what's the maddest thing
you've ever bought, then?

Apart from me.

Well, I once spent 40 grand on a
painting of a very sad-looking dog.

f*cking hell. Why?
It just spoke to me.

Yeah, I actually put it up in my
office, and I had to take it down.

It was too sad.
Had to put it in the attic.

I bet the dog's even MORE sad
up there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll bet she is.

Would you like some champagne?
I...I'd love some.

Yeah. Yeah?
Well, let's do champagne.

CORK POPS

SHE MOANS AND SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Oh, my God.

HE CHUCKLES

That was... That was tremendous.

I mean, you're quite something.

You're not so bad yourself, Phil.

I wonder if perhaps I could, er,

I could book you every night
this week.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm serious. What? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

No!

Oh...I mean, yeah.

I mean, sure.

Can I get your private number?
Er...

I don't want to get you
into trouble or anything,

but just, I mean, you are amazing.
And I just...

I just want to send you a cheeky
text from time to time, huh? Oh...

Yeah, all right, yeah. Yeah? Yeah,
that would be nice, actually, yeah.

Let's have champagne. Yeah? Yeah.

BOTH SIGH

Woo!

HE LAUGHS

♪ Isn't life wonderful?
Mmm

♪ Isn't it fun to be under the sun
and the sky

♪ When the barometer's high?

♪ Ain't the world beautiful?
Mmm

♪ Looking so right
that it's quite a delight to the eye

♪ Just to watch it go by

♪ Isn't life wonderful? Mmm

♪ Isn't it fun to be... ♪

Oh, sh*t. I'm supposed to go
to my mate's for tea tonight.

She's cooking a stroganoff
with her new fella.

Well, just forget that. Yeah?

Let's have some champagne.

Yeah. f*ck it, let's do that. Yeah.

♪ ..delight to the eye

♪ Just to watch it go by
Mmm

♪ Maybe we can explain
this midsummer... ♪

You're not saying hello, then?

I've not got time for hellos,
Anthony.

What's with the hat? Are you going
to the races or something?

This is how I dress now.

I'm going to much more extravagant
and sophisticated places.

These hats are
very run-of-the-mill there.

Hey, there is nothing
run-of-the-mill about that beast.

Oi!

Who are you going to
these fancy places with, then?

His name's Phil.

And he's fabulous.

♪ Love keeps this wonderful world
going round and around

♪ And around and around
and around and around... ♪

That was lovely.
When you coming back? Soon. Great.

Oooh. Who's that, then?

Daz. Daz?

Like the washing powder?

Oh, he's fabulous.

I've had sex three times
this morning,

before Spam. Ugh. No, no,
don't try and shame me, Alma.

My body is an instrument
of pleasure.

I am a sexual violin, and I need to
be played. You're not a sexy violin.

You're a 60-odd-year-old grandma
with a fungal nail infection.

No, it's gone.

I had a word with it. What?

I spoke to me toe.

Right, so I sat down last Tuesday,
put my feet up,

and it was looking at me.

So I just said,
"Ey, no more trouble from you."

Week later, it's gone.

Right, so it's nothing to do
with these, then?

Oh...

So are you free for a family lunch
on Friday? No. Why?

Because I've just defrosted a loaf,
and it needs eaten.

Listen, I'm sure your sad
little loaf can wait.

I want to take us somewhere

fabulous, Grandma.

MESSAGE ALERT

SHE SIGHS

What you smiling at?

Oh, you're not back with f*ck,
are you? No.

I've met someone a lot better,
actually.

He's classy, he's fabulous,
he's nothing like Anthony.

He took me to the theatre, Grandma.

Ooh! When are we going to meet him,
then?

SHE SCOFFS

f*ck off.

I don't need YOU telling him

you're a sexy violin
who argues with her toes.

SHE TUTS

f*ck me.

BELL JINGLES

I'm sorry about the other night.

I was with Phil, you see.

I cooked you a lovely meal
and you just didn't show up.

Chris thinks you don't like him.
I know. Sorry.

The thing about Phil is
he's just... He's all-encompassing.

You know, he's not
like your average boyfriend.

Alma, can we talk about this later?

I've got 50 f*cking salmon rolls
to make by noon

because SOMEBODY
went on a caterers' awayday

and now we've got sushi on the menu.

It's the modern world, Leanne.
I've told you before - adapt or die.

Adapt or die, Leanne!

f*ck you, Bill! f*ck you!

He bought me a dress.

He took me to the theatre, Leanne.

Did you go to the acting class
on Saturday?

No, I didn't make that, actually.

Why? Phil asked me to stay over,
and...we got carried away, and...

So you paid for it
and then you sacked it off

like you sacked me off.

What's got YOUR knickers in a twist?

The whole point of this job
was so you could do good things

with the money, not get pissed
in wine bars with old men.

Well, that's not what I'm doing,
is it? I'm earning money.

FISH SLAPS ON COUNTER
I know what this is. You're jealous.

Of what, Alma? My money, my freedom.

Look at you - covered in fish guts
on minimum wage.

I'm enjoying the finer things
in life, and you can't handle it.

The finer things in life?
Are you f*cking mad?

I've had enough of listening
to this deluded waffle.

Phil is not your boyfriend.

Your job is not empowering.
It's seedy and it's gross,

and you are f*cking mental, Alma.

I can't believe
how judgmental you're being.

I thought, of all people,
you would understand.

Why the f*ck would I understand?

Because you're ALWAYS
shagging about.

So that makes me a prost*tute?!

Do you know, I don't like you
with a boyfriend.

You're a right boring old goat.

Oh! Ugh!

What the f*ck?

YELPING

Fishy b*tch! f*ck you, Alma.

f*ck you! What the...?

Oh, get off! Ladies! Stop!

My God!

Leanne, put that fish down!

Alma, back away
from the salmon rolls.

f*ck me.

GROWLS

BELL JINGLES

Hello, you. Hello.

You look nice.

Yes, I know. I'm feeling fabulous.

Phil's taking me out later. Ooh!
How are you?

Not sure about this, Alma. Your
mum's too odd for a place like this.

Grandma, it's going to be fine.
Oh, here she is.

Mum and Jim have
this otherworldly quality.

They're sort of like
two bemused aliens

that have just crash-landed.

And that's how everyone treats them.

Like an alien threat.

Oh, dear.

So, it's a small-plates menu here,

which basically means
you pick your own plate

and then we share them all.

Do they not do big plates?
I'd rather have me own big plate.

It's like a pick 'n' mix.
Yeah, exactly. It's hot in here.

I'm going to have a f*g.

I'm not surprised you're hot
in that.

It's the height of sophistication,
this, Mother.

Scabby Joe got it off the back
of a John Lewis truck.

What's that?

My handbag.

It's a lunchbox.

Not everybody thinks in boring
straight lines like you, Mother.

Hello.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to...

VOICEOVER: And if Mum and Jim
are aliens,

I suppose I'm some sort of
alien ambassador,

translating between two species.

Don't worry, love,
we're all OK here.

So what does everybody fancy?

I think I will be having
the Spanish omelette.

I don't eat any egg any more, Alma.

Who wants to eat the unborn child
of a depressed hen?

Have you got anything without bits?

What does she...?

What do you mean without bits, Mum?

Something...
She can't chew, can she?

I can't chew owt on here either.

When you give birth
to a little girl,

you don't imagine they'll be
toothless by 40. All right.

I've had my teeth done, Mother.

I've got a Hollywood f*cking smile

and it's still not good enough
for you.

You can come back in a minute,
if you want.

Yeah, you've never done
a day's work in your life

and you've got better teeth
than all of us.

Well, that's because the Government
want to look after me,

which is more than you ever did!

Right, can everybody
just calm the f*ck down?

Listen, I want us to have a nice
family meal in a fabulous place.

Please! Let's not ruin this

by being ourselves.

You can never let me off the hook,
can you?

This is exactly like when I was
seven years old... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all my fault, in't it?

No. Don't you dare.

They f*ck you up,
your mum and dad...

Not here, Mum. That's not OK.

They may not mean to, but they do.

VOICEOVER: A few years back,
Mum started this bizarre tradition

of calling Grandma up
on Mother's Day

and reciting Philip Larkin,
This Be The Verse.

Can you imagine what
that was like for my poor gran,

having to listen to someone

with no teeth recite poetry?

They fill you
with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you,
Mother.

Now she does it every time
she's pissed off.

She only ever recites
the first four sentences.

She never gets to that bit
about compassion.

I'm not being spoken to like this.
Grandma, come on.

She's embarrassing.
I'M not being spoken to like this.

I'm going for a f*g.
No, I'm going for a f*g.

I said I was going for a f*g
five minutes ago.

No, I'M going for a f*g and
I'm going to get there before you.

I said I was too hot
and I wanted to get outside.

VOICES FADE

PHONE ALERT

Sorry.

You know, I'm actually
a very indulgent man.

PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah.

Sorry, I've just got to...
Sorry about this.

I've just got to take that.
Hello?

Hello, Phil. It's Al.. Ruby.

Hi. Hi! I... I just wondered
why you cancelled tonight.

Look, I....

I'm leaving town tonight,
I just fancied something...

Sorry. ..someone new.

Yeah?

But you took my personal number.

Yeah, well, it's just titillation,
isn't it?

Right.

Titillation.

Sorry... Ruby, sorry,
I paid for my time with you.

I don't think this should become
an issue.

Ray wouldn't be happy about that.

Yeah. No, you're absolutely right.
I'm absolutely fine, don't worry.

Fabulous, in fact. I'm off
to a party tonight, so...great.

All right, thank you, bye.

Best of luck. Bye. Bye.

How about a creme brulee, Jim?

You don't have to chew that.

Couldn't stop laughing, me.

He nearly caught us laughing,
so I pretended to sneeze.

Which seemed to turn him on
even more!

f*cking did and all, didn't it?
Pervert.

Mind you, he were one of those
Richard Geres, though, wasn't he?

A what?
You know the ones.

They like the whole
Pretty Woman fantasy,

try to get your personal number,

pretend to fall in love for a night
or a week or something.

SIGHS

Oh, my God. It's a type?

Of course it f*cking is, love.

Right, ladies. Remember,
any trouble, give me a call.

Don't drink and drug
more than you can handle,

and look after each other.

I've never done one of these -

are they all right,
these party bookings?

You just wait and see!

f*cking wild.

MUSIC PLAYS

Wow!

It's amazing! Fabulous.

Ey, boys. Shall we get this party
started, then, or what?

DOG BARKS

Aww, who's this?

You're gorgeous, aren't you?

Are you ready for a good time, boys?

♪ So let me tell you like this

♪ I'ma make you get

♪ Get high, get lit, get drunk,
get wavey, get wavey

♪ Get high, get lit,
get drunk, get wavey, get wavey

♪ Get high, get lit, get drunk,
get wavey, get wavey

♪ Yah, stamina

♪ Hit a quick a pose for the camera

♪ Why you sittin' down
You an amateur?

♪ I don't play about
Bring out the next challenger

♪ Yah, yah, stamina

♪ Hit a quick pose
for the camera

♪ Why you sittin' down
You an amateur?

♪ I don't play about
Bring out the next challenger

♪ I'ma make you get

♪ Get high, get lit, get drunk,
get wavey, get wavey

♪ Get high, get lit,
get drunk, get wavey... ♪

Knickers off.

Bloody hell, you're keen,
aren't you? Right.

Oh, this is short.

This is all I've got.

This is not a haggling situation.

I'm not a used car.

Fine.

WALLET OPENS

NOTES RUSTLE

Great.

No johnnies, though, yeah?

No, I don't do that.

f*cking 'ell. What DO you do?

Yeah. Ohhh...

Ow! No, I don't do A-levels.

What if I pay extra? No.

Fine.

Ow!

Ow! Ow! I said no!

What are you f*cking playing at,
you cheeky twat?

I'm not telling you again. You pay
first, they're the f*cking rules.

What's going on? I'm not paying now.
You girls are shite.

f*ck you.

Don't f*cking speak to me like that.

Aah!

Get off her! Get your hands off her!

Get the f*ck off her!

GROANS

Run!

Hey, come back!

You're a sh*t shag!

Quick! Come on!

THEY SQUEAL

Quick!

He's there! Is he?

Get in.

Oh, my God.

Where's Cara? sh*t!

I've nicked his f*cking dog!

What?

Bring that dog back here now!

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
Why did you do that?

I couldn't find me shoes,
so I nicked his dog.

You know what, Leanne?
You've actually done us proud here.

These look absolutely gorgeous.
Cheers, Bill.

Shame no f*ck in Bolton
wants to eat it.

SHE SIGHS

So what are we going to do
with all this sh*t, then?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe salmon porridge?

Oh, no. Fair enough.

If they don't want this lot,

they're not going to want
pound-shop Heston, are they? No.

Oriental paella?

All right,
Japanese bubble and squeak?

We're closed, Alma.

All right. As long as you're not
throwing food around.

You got wasabi in my eye
t'other day.

And, yeah, it might
look like mushy peas,

but by the Christ,
it's f*cking not. Sorry, Bill.

So what happened here, then?

Oh. As it turns out,

pensioners aren't willing
to f*ck around with raw fish.

Fair. Nigiri? Yeah, please.

We've got tons of the f*ck.
I'm sure I've got a parasite.

"Adapt or die, Leanne." Don't start.

You were right about Phil. Oh, dear.

Mm.

What?

What?!

Give us a minute, Bill.

Seriously? This is my bloody cafe.

Why don't you go and do the pots?

Bloody hell.

Might as well give you bloody keys.

That's an idea.

Turns out posh men can be twats
as well.

I'm sorry about the other day.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.
No, you're right.

I know I need to be a bit more real
about the job.

But the judginess makes it harder
to be honest about it.

I feel like I need to be
"happy hooker" all the time.

You know, because you can say
when you've had a sh*t day at work,

you can say, "Oh, Alma,
I've had a sh*t day at work,

"I've had to make


I can't come to you and say, "Yeah,
I've had a sh*t day at work too,

"he was insistent
on shoving his c*ck in my ear,

"and now I've got tinnitus."

f*cking hell, you've got tinnitus?
Well, there's certainly

an unusual buzzing sound
that wasn't there before.

LAUGHS

See, THIS is nice.
I WANT to laugh with you about it.

You're the only person I've told.

But I understand this job is
just a means to an end.

I'm not going to get lost in it
any more.

Good. Yeah.

So how's Chris?

I really like him. Oh, dear.

We'll have to get you a patch
for that.

He makes me laugh.

He's always quoting Robin Williams
movies.

Right. Into that, are you?

Think I am, yeah.

I really want you
to be happy for me.

I am happy for you.

I am.

Salmon roll?

PHONE ALERT

Yeah, f*ck it. Oh!

Do you want to buy a dog?

God, no.

These safe to eat?

♪ You know your smile, woman

♪ You treat me so darn, darn fine

♪ You give me such an appetite

♪ And I need your loving every night

♪ Mmm

♪ Your love gets sweeter every day

♪ Your love gets sweeter every day
Your love gets sweeter every day

♪ Your love gets sweeter
every day... ♪