02x02 - Padaming All Over the Place

[bunniefuu]

CLOCK BELL CHIMES

ENGINE REVS

MUSIC: GFY
by Amyl and The Sniffers

Hiya, Tracey.

Oh, sorry. No, I'm not pushing in.

My agent works here so...

Enjoy your lunch.

Oh, Cherry, again?

I am cursed.

David... Oh.

You know, my great-aunt Helen,
horrible woman -

k*lled a budgie - she won £1,000
on one of these.

I have never won more
than a tenner.

And I've never k*lled a budgie.

Where's the justice in that?

Mm, yeah, feels unfair.

Anyway...

..I need some work, David.

I'm skint.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Yeah. Well, I'm skint
and my grandma's got cancer.

Oh, no! I'm so sorry.

It's all right. I'm feeling
very positive.

Oh, good. But I want
to take her here.

It's an anti-cancer spa retreat
on the southern coast of Thailand.

It's fabulous.

I think Kylie Minogue went
after her treatment.

She's still Padamin' all over
the place.

So I need some work.

Yeah, well it's a bit quiet
at the moment,

I mean, what with regional
accents being so niche.

Are they niche?

Have you been practising your RP?

I have, actually.

How now, brown cow!

No.

How now, brown cowwww.

Scraps.

Oh, thanks, Tracey.
Thanks, love. Thank you.

Bless you. Cowww...

I think you might need to make
some supplementary income.

Right.

I could be your
executive assistant.

Right. Or your front of house.

What I lack in skills
and experience,

I make up for in charisma.

Bad idea.

Shush your tone, Bill.

Hmm...

Welcome to the team.

Fabulous! You won't regret it.

Huh! You will.

Now, we've got a lot of
events on next week.

We've got Mexican Monday,
Traffic Light Tuesday

and Wiggly Wednesday.

What's Wiggly Wednesday?

Belly Dancing.

Woo!

Oh, and first things first...

Shopping, for Mexican Monday.

Great. I love to shop.

Ten pinatas?

Arriba!

♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do, arriba! ♪

Go on, then.

Off you f*ck.

Nothing from you.

I wouldn't dream it.

MUSIC: Times I Shine
by Matteo Locasciulli
& Margherita Vicario

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Oh, ah... ♪

Sorry I'm late!

Jesus Christ.

That is too bold for the oncologist.

Says who?

You look like Bet Lynch
has thrown up on you.

Hey, I've got these great books. Oh.

Let me have a read of this to you.

Treatment is not just about
doctors. It's about you,

being in peak fitness and health.

Basically we need to go
back to Zumba.

Put 'em away, Alma,
for God's sake.

People are dying in here!

Sorry. Not... Not you.

So we need to tell Mum soon as well.

No, we don't.

She has a right to know, Grandma.

This is my cancer, not hers.

Or yours. Stop trying
to project-manage me.

Do you want me to tell her?

♪ Oh, my baby... ♪

Whose grandma turns up to hospital
dressed as a snow leopard?

Joan Nuthall.

We're on.

Wow, the lady in leopard!

Meow! Oh...

Stop wiggling!

SHE BEATBOXES

You look fantastic.

You're like a Pussycat Doll.

Oh, really?

Fab.

Mm-mm-mm-mm! Would you like
a piece of this?

I would actually, yeah.

OK, all right, can we all
just focus?

Take a seat.

Ah! That was glorious.

But you are a very sick lady.

So, first step, we need
to shrink this tumour.

We'll do a round of radiotherapy,
and if that's successful

and you feel strong enough you can
decide if you want to do chemo.

Oh, no, no, I don't want
to do chemo.

What do you mean, you don't
want to do chemo?

I don't want to be in pain
and lose all my hair.

What the f*ck? You need to do
the chemo. You...

You've got to fight.

She's become very bossy
since my diagnosis.

You need to throw everything at it.

No need to decide that now.

First step, radiotherapy.

Let's get shrinking that tumour!
JOAN GIGGLES

Look, I know you say I'm sick,
but I've actually been feeling fine.

I mean, look at this.

Watch this. Are you ready?

It's very good!

Yeah. I'm still very dextrose.

All you do is flirt with Dr Joy.

Well, I can't help it if he sees me
more as a woman than a patient.

Anyway, flirting's good
for your health.

You should try it some time.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, how long has it been, Alma?

Grandma! Oh, you could do
with a boyfriend.

Look at you - your low self-esteem's
affecting your posture.

No.

No, you're not taking
this seriously.

And you're taking it too seriously.

It's exhausting!

You're not dealing with it properly.

Stop telling me how to handle
my cancer!

This whole thing is hell.

And all I want is a f*cking
cigarette to take the edge off.

No. Sorry, thank you. No.

No. No!

Oh, very clever.

Big girl.

All right, Sandra Dee.

Put it out now, pass it back.

For God's sake.

Thank you.

Right... Where are you going?

For f*ck's sake!

Sorry, actually do you mind
if I have a little?

Just a teeny bit, actually.
Thank you.

MUSIC: Stay Up Forever
by Chungking

Telling your mum that her mum's got
cancer is no easy feat,

especially when your mum is skint,
homeless and on the run.

Couch has got lice.

It was a moth, Jim!

Don't start with your negative
yabbadabbadooing.

This is a happy zone.

Look at all my decor.

I have made a house into
a f*cking home.

You need to go back to
the hospital, Mum.

The police are looking for you.

You're not on your meds.

Go back to hospital? Don't be daft.

Hey, look...

..at these wigs.

Scabby Joe's robbed me
from a fancy dress shop.

They'll never find me.

I'm off radar.

I'm incog-f*cking-nito.
I'm the artful dodger, me.

And I've got this wolf head
for emergencies.

ALMA SIGHS

Listen, Mum,

I need to talk to you
about something.

Hey, look at these, though.

Razzmatazz o'clock these,
aren't they?

Yeah, they're very good.

Erm...

So...Grandma's got cancer.

What?!

Oh, oh...

Yeah, all right, Jim.

It's not your mother, you show off.

It's lung cancer.

For f*ck's sake.

Stupid cow.

It's so bad for you, smoking.

Well, you are currently sm...
That last painting I did for her,

it was of that demon woman.

It's all right, Mum.
She's going to be fine.

And she is part alien, remember.

JIM CRIES

For f*ck's sake, Jim!

♪ Fajitas... ♪

Bill, when your done with the
fajitas, salt my rims.

I beg your pardon?

Margaritas - get your head
out the gutter!

Alma, you cannot sneak in late
when you're dressed as a Mexican.

Lo siento.

She's just not taking the cancer
seriously.

I'm the most sensible member
of the family.

Oh, sh*t.

f*ck's sake!

It's fine.

Pinatas!

What the f*ck? How many
have you order, Alma?

Ah, ten. I ordered ten.

Ten boxes of ten.

You've ordered 100 f*cking pinatas.

Lo siento.

Mucho.

Tit!

Right, two fajitas. There you go.

Go for it!

You're being flaccid with it.

Oomph!

Oh, f*ck this.

Pathetic!

Do you want a go?

I'll give it a little whirl.

Aargh! Aargh!

Raargh!

Aargh!

Very cathartic.

SLOW MARIACHI MUSIC

MUSIC: The Mexican Hat Dance

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh. I'm knackered.

Well, I've no idea why.
You do f*ck all.

Oh...

Huh.

Oh.

Hasta luego!

Hey, look at you, throupling about.

Nope.

No relationships for me.
I'm more of a...

..guest appearance. Woo!

Do you think I should be...

..you know? Shagging about?

Oh, yeah. Why not?

You should get on Bumble.

No! Bumble's Tinder for
the desperate.

It's not desperate.

They provide a really good service
for people who are genuinely

committed to finding love.

See?

Yeah. Oh, you're working
Traffic Light Tuesday

so keep your eyes peeled.
What is that?

It's a singles night, where you come
dressed as a traffic light.

Green if you're up for it.

Amber if you're on the fence.

And red if you're not available.

Don't come as green,
whatever you do.

You'll end up at the bar
on your own

while ambers are having
a f*cking great time.

Who goes as red?

I mean, what kind of arsehole
turns up to a room full of

lonely people, and says
without speaking,

"I'm loved - I'm sorry about you"?

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

You're late, babe.

I know. I'm sorry.

Oh... Help! Help!

Doris, this is your last warning!

Christ! She is bloody obsessed.

She's been an absolute hussy
since Victor died.

Poor Bill. Could be worse.

You could be him.

Oh...

Yeah, now that is a tragic sight.

Shot? Oh, yes, please.

BOTH: Woo!

Go prowl. All right.

Woo!

God...

Excuse me, have you got a light?

Oh, ta.

Amber.

Wise choice.

Why did you come as green?

Clearly I've been a bit overzealous.

Yeah.

Is that a London accent?

Yeah.

What you doing here?

It's a long boring story.

Go on.

Well, my parents moved up here.

I got divorced, and, eh...

Well, now I sleep on a futon
in Bolton.

Oh, dear!

Hence why you came as green.

Yeah.

PAUSE IN MUSIC

I'm desperate.

That wasn't a good moment
for you, that.

Yeah.

So, erm...

Why are you here, Miss 'I'm clearly
informed enough to wear Amber'?

Well, I work here.

And my grandma's got cancer and told
me loudly outside an oncologist

that I need a shag.

Wow.

Yeah. That's even bleaker
than my reason.

Yeah.

Cheers. Cheers!

♪ Whoa-oh, I can't find

♪ Another like you, I said

♪ Whoa-oh, I can't find

♪ Another like you

♪ So I'm content

♪ I think you're heaven sent

♪ And I know I'll never find another
like you

♪ I know I won't love any other
but you

♪ I said I know I won't love any
other but you... ♪

You're supposed to be working.
THEY LAUGH

Get out from behind 'ere!

BOTH: Sorry, Bill!

Reverse - doot, doot!

f*cking 'ell!

I'm better than you. Albatross.

What do you mean, you're better
than me? An albatross?

A f*cking albatross.
I'm the sexy albatross.

You might be. Well, yes, you might
be sexy... I am the f*cking

sexy albatross! No, it's me.
I'm the sexiest.

Now, I've lost my key and
my parents are away. Woo!

So I have to climb in
through the window.

God, you're more of
an idiot than me!

Yeah, but two idiots together
is better than one idiot

with a sensible person.

I should know.

That's why I'm divorced.

There's no-one to be disappointed
in me any more - wahey!

Wahey!

Shush!

Sorry.

Woo!

Oh, there they f*cking are.

Mm...

Oh.

Hello.

You, erm...

You sneaking off?

Well, it's just I look a bit
like the back end of

an autumnal shrub this morning,
and I thought

if I just got out before...

..that'd be better
for everyone, really.

I mean, I may not be the most
domesticated of men.

No.

But I can cook a mean fry-up.

What, even for...

For a shrub head?

Always wanted to have breakfast
with plant life.

Oh, OK.

Well, I'll have my bacon crispy
and my eggs easy.

I know you're in there!

Come on, open up, Grandma!

You're not allowed in.

Your energy's too negative.

I've met someone.

Ooh!

I knew that'd get yer.

Tell me all about it. Well...

Oh, f*ck.

It's Sandra with another
passive-aggressive stew.

She's brought one every day
since my diagnosis.

Stew and Dumplings tonight,
a la Sandra!

You don't need to say thank you.

I wasn't going to.

As a Christian, this is
what God asks of me.

Right, well, if he asks again
tell him not to bother.

If you do want to join me for Sunday
service we'd all be eager

to have you.

Oh, I'd rather drink my own piss.
Thank you, Sandra.

Well, you'll be there
in our prayers.

Right, so I won't have
a choice, then.

I'll be there either way, will I?

I've got a book I think
you should read.

No, don't need a Bible, Sandra.
Thank you.

Oh, you've brought me a book
on my impending death,

like a jolly grim reaper.

How thoughtful.

What the f*ck, Sandra?

It's about coming to terms...

..with the inevitable.

There's different stages... There's
nothing to come to terms with.

Grandma's not dying.

Stage 1 - denial.

Right, well, thanks for the
weird stew and the upsetting book.

Tara for now. Goodbye.

Stage 2 - anger.

If that's where you're at, Joan,
that's OK.

As long as you know
that's where you're at.

BOTH: f*ck off, Sandra.

God...

Hang on, wait for it.

Hang on. Now, this actually
looks easy.

Oh, you've got it, you've got it!
It's very difficult, this.

Got to get it...right in
the nook like that.

Really, really, really focus.

Yeah, you got it!

Yeah.

Oh, that is brilliant!

Could we all just please focus?

Oh! See?

She's like Mussolini.

Honestly.

Now, when you start
your radiotherapy

you will need Alma's help

cos you're going to be very sick.

Alma, if you need to take time
off work...

No, she doesn't have a job. Oh.

Well, in that case, you can apply
for a Carer's Allowance, Alma.

That could actually be quite useful.

Carer's Allowance?

I don't need a carer!

I'm afraid you will, Ms Nuthall.

Now, Macmillan are very helpful
in sorting that out for you.

So my tumour will be
paying her rent?

Do you want to show me one of
your high kicks again? Oh.

No.

MUSIC: Let's Make Out
by Dream Wife

She must be round the back.

Yeah, OK.
Probably in a bad mood.

Oh, Grandma!

No, you knew we were coming.

Oh, don't be so prickly, Alma.

I'm sure your new beau
isn't afraid of the female form.

Grandma...

Hello. I'm Grandma.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Go on.

Oh. Sam.

Oh, Sam!

I know what you're thinking.

Grandma? How could she be?

Should've seen me a few months ago.

Unbearably attractive.

Didn't look a day over 35.

You must have good genes.

And a lot of teen pregnancies.

Eh, don't knock it.

Teen pregnancy is very wise.

At least by the time your child
grows up to becomes a twat

you still look fabulous
and you can...

BOTH: ..f*ck off to Mondo's.

Are you two flirting?

Oh. Honestly,

Alma's always been very uptight
with her boyfriends around me.

I don't know why.

Hello, Alma!

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Hello, Mum!

Hello. This is going to be
a f*cking disaster.

Who's this?

Sam. Alma's new boyfriend.

Grandma!

I'm sorry. It's OK.

I've made you this...

No, no. Not another portrait, Lin.
Please!

Well, this is a nice one.

I'm being f*cking nice!

Oh, God! What did you do that for?!

Dunno. I just felt like it.

Do you want to just get
out of here?

No, no, it's fine. Cos this is a lot
and it's only going to get worse.

Now you've got cancer, you think
you can just hose people

down on your patio?!

Yeah, well, that's exactly
what I think.

And I hear you won't do chemo.

You're so selfish, Mother!

Don't you dare.

I won't be lectured on my health
by a toothless drug addict.

Yoohoo!

Oh, great.

Chilli con carne, a la Sandra... Oh.

Now, there's a face of thunder.
Fantastic, Joan.

Embrace that rage.

Let it radiate through you.

Oh, f*ck off, Sandra.

It's all right to be angry, Joan.

Yeah, I am f*cking angry.
Thank you, Sandra. I am.

I'm angry with you.

And I'm angry with you.

Me?

And I'm angry with you.

And I'm angry with you!

And I'm angry with you!

Now, all of you, sod off!

f*ck you, Mother.

It's all part of the process.

Well, that... That's my family,
so...

That was, erm...

That was intense. Yeah, yeah.

That's just the beginning, really.

That's just a warm-up.

SAM LAUGHS

Do you, erm, still want to do golf,
or shall we...

Yeah, do you know what? I do.
Yeah?

It'll be fun. It'll be fabulous,
fabulous fun.

Oh, for f*ck's sake! You know,
it's annoying, cos it doesn't

go under the bridge!

Do you know what? I just want to
set myself on fire!

Y-you just need... It just takes
a bit of practice. OK.

Yeah? Yeah, sorry.

OK.
INDISTINCT CHATTER

All right. All right. OK, sorry.

OK.

Could you just be quiet, please?
Shush!

Oh, what is she,
a f*cking professional?

No, I don't think
I'm a professional.

This is a difficult game and
I'm noise-sensitive.

THEY LAUGH

Yes, noise-sensitive.

Listen, Cunty McFuckface,
I've had enough of yer.

Be quite.

I'm trying to focus on the game.

Stop giggling away like
little girls.

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

Shush!

Argh!

What was that?! What was that?!

Can we just...calm down?

Yeah, well, tell your f*cking bird
to calm down, eh?

Bird?

What is it, the 1970s?

Ooh-ooh!

Do you know what?

Gah!

THEY LAUGH

I've got to say sorry, Leanne.

His parents are away.

He's not answering his phone
and he's not in.

So I'm just going to climb
through his window...

Not in a creepy way, right?

Not in a criminal way.

I'm just going to drop off
these Pop-Tarts.

Pop-Tarts?

Who doesn't love a Pop-Tart?

And it'll go nice with my card.

A card? Are you 80?

The handwritten word is
all I've got left, Leanne.

I'd just leave it.

"Dearest Samuel, I'm sorry
I started a fight with

"a bunch of teenagers and got
you punched in the face.

"But crazy golf is a crazy game.
I'm noise sensitive

"and I've got a lot going on
right now."

You've always got a lot
going on, babe.

"Other than that,

"I'm a fab, fun, flirty girl.

"So enjoy your Pop-Tarts
and give me a ring some time.

"Yours sincerely,

"Ms Alma Nuthall."

Casual!

Well, be quick.

Yes. We start our synchronised
belly dance at eight! Yes.

One last warm-up?

OK.

BOTH: If in doubt...

..t*ts'll shake it out,

t*ts'll shake it out,
t*ts'll shake it out!

I'll see you later. All right.

Ah...

God.

I'll just get them from
the bathroom.

sh*t!

Oh, God.

Oh! Ah!

I thought you were away.

Alma?

I'm so sorry.

I-I... Dad, do you want to, erm...

..just go and sit down.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Why are you in my bathroom?

Yeah.

It's just you didn't reply
to my text, so...

..I brought you some Pop-Tarts.

It's been less than 24 hours.

Yeah.

I've f*cked this up, haven't I?

SAM SIGHS

Look, Alma...

It's not you. I mean,
obviously, it's a bit you,

but, look, I don't think
I'm ready for a relationship.

And you did get me smashed
in the face last night.

Pop-Tart?

I got you a card as well,
actually.

Do you know what? No. Bit weird now.

Don't worry about that.

MUSIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER

Where the f*ck have you been?

We were meant to do our dance.
I had to rope Bill in.

I am not happy, Alma.

I'm sorry.

Babe...

..this isn't working.

I don't want to be your boss.

You're a terrible employee.

Thank God. I know. I am.

Can we go back to being mates?

Yes!

f*g?

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't need a boyfriend.

I just need to sort my posture out
and have some fun.

You just need a few
gentlemen callers.

I have those.

Deliveroo.

They never let you down.

No. You always know where they are.
Hm.

You can track 'em. Mm.

How's Joan?

She's fuming.

Maybe that's how she needs to be,
you know,

just a release.

Yeah.

Yeah, get it out.

I've got an idea.

Bloody lovely.

What the bloo...

Bloody hell's going on?

I know you're angry.

Am I?

Well, you did seem pretty angry when
you were screaming the other day.

So we're going to beat the sh*t
out of these pinatas.

It's very cathartic. Watch this.

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah, aargh!

Give us a go.

Raargh!

MUSIC: Padam Padam
by Kylie Minogue

There's no right way to
deal with cancer.

Sometimes you just need to beat
the sh*t out of some pinatas.