02x05 - Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

[bunniefuu]

Mm!

That is f*cking fabulous,
that sangria.

I tell you, it give's Leanne's, erm,

cheeky Vimtos a run for her money,
doesn't it?

I'm quite pissed, actually!

Una mas, por favor!

Steady, you.

Oh, I do love tapaz.

My Spanish ancestors
are calling me here.

I thought you were Nicaraguan.

We're nomads, Alma.

We've got Nicaraguan, Scottish,
Spanish Basque and a bit of alien.

You can't just casually say you've
got a bit of alien in you

and not expect people to
be freaked out.

How many times do
I have to tell you? None, actually.

Our blood group is one
of the rarest in the world, Alma.

And it's common knowledge
that we're not human.

Is it, though?

We're an ancient alien blood
group...

BOTH: ..that settled on Earth
in the Pyrenees mountain range.

You know I've always wanted to go.

Mm. We know, Grandma.

I think I might be an alien.

Oh, be quiet, Jim.

He's been accepted
for a supported bedsit,

but he's refusing to leave my house.

He's gone from being a lovable
temporary house guest

to an aggressive squatter.

Every little thing he does
irritates me.

H-he doesn't speak.

He just chews that loudly.

Listen to that! Oh, God, he's got
to go! You've got to go!

SPEAKING LOUDLY:
You've got to go, Jim!

Well, in jollier news...

..I'm going to be treading the
boards at Victoria Hall,

for Ian's comedy showcase. Oh!

I know! Salud!

You never! Yeah! Oh, God.

I've always wanted to
get on that stage.

I want a front-row seat, me.

Well, you...you're not invited.

That's very unkind.

I always invited you
to my Ann Summers parties.

I didn't want to go, did I?

I was eight.

You were watching a professional
raconteur at those parties

for years.
You learnt it all from me. Mm.

Whoa-h*!

Woohoo!

Why do you have to keep wearing
those ridiculous wigs?

Listen, Mother, I am spending
my precious two hours of leave

seeing your pointy little face,
so no insulting my teeth,

my wigs or my personality!

All right, listen. Erm...

..I've got something to say.

Is it "sorry"? Here we go.

Right, I'm going to get some
more sangria.

Why would I say sorry, Lin?

Well, where to start, Mother?

Everybody knows it's your fault
I'm an addict.

Oh, right. And who's everyone?

My whole mental health team.

Or maybe you want to apologise for
stealing Jim and shutting me out.

I didn't steal Jim.
Jim you can have.

You see, this is what she does, Jim.

Leaves you out in the cold.

SINGING LOUDLY: ♪ When I needed a
shelter, were you there?

♪ Were you there?

♪ When I needed a shelter,
were you there? ♪

Oh, for God's sake!

♪ I was cold, I was naked

BOTH: ♪ Were you there?
Were you there?

♪ I was cold, I was naked,
were you there?

♪ And the creed and the colour
and the name don't matter

♪ Were you there? Were you there? ♪

Have you finished?

But it's a very good hymn, isn't it?

Have YOU finished?

Right. My cancer's back.

It's spread. It's everywhere.

I'm not going to recover.

Oh!

Grandma's cancer's come back
more successfully

than Jennifer Coolidge's career.

They've said she doesn't have long.

It's hard to know what to do
with that information.

It's hard to even believe it's true.

After all, she is part alien.

And how do you make the most of this
precious time together,

when the person who's dying is full
of rage, regret and profanities?

f*ck off!

I'm not sitting in
some sad old chair,

being wheeled round
like some fuddy-duddy!

I'll have a go.

We're all tricked into thinking
that by the time we die,

we're ready to go.

Well, I'm not ready.

I feel like I'm being kicked
out of the pub before closing.

CRASH

Sorry.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're sticking with the
tit shake, then? I am, Ian.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

Least it's better than Lesley.

You've got stage presence
of a wet flannel, Les.

Ian, me and my therapist have been
working on boundaries,

and I'd just like to say

that even though we have a sexual
history and I did briefly ghost you,

I would really appreciate it

if you didn't undermine my talent
as a form of revenge.

Well, I did ask you not
to join this class.

But you insisted,
like you always do.

So, here we are.

Hmm?

Anyway,

a few more sessions till the big
showcase, so let's keep on track.

Cos that's a big chuffin' stage
when you're on it.

So...

..keep your eye on the prize.

Keep, your eye on that prize.

It's the trophy of success.

Grab hold of it now.

Grab the trophy.

Own that trophy.

The trophy of success.

Right. What's it giving you?
A Netflix special.

Netflix. Good. Good, Kevin. And you?

Financial freedom.

Fine. And you!

A tour.

A tour. And...

Full head of hair.

IAN SIGHS

DISTANT: For God's sake, Jim.

I can hear her
chuntering on, can you?

Stop breathing!

You'd think she'd be too
tired to be a c**t,

but she seems to have a
lot of energy for it. Yeah.

You're soaking my
head with your spit! Oh, God...

Do you know, the Macmillan
nurse the other day

thought she had brain cancer?

I had to explain to her, no,
she's always been a bit of a b*tch.

Hello! There she is! You all right?

It takes ages when Jim pushes me.

He breathes
that heavily down my neck.

I'm sure he's got emphysema.

It was a big hill.

Get me up. Come on.

Let's get you out, Mum. Come on.

Are you all right? There you go.
Are you all right, Grandma?

Yes. There you go. I'm fine.
You all right, Mum? Yes, I'm fine!

Why does everyone keep f*cking
asking me how I am?!

Macmillan nurses, doctors,
taxi drivers.

"Are you all right, Joan?"
"Are you all right, love?"

"Are you all right, dear?"

I'm not a f*cking dear!

It's like hanging out with Gollum.

I've written a bucket list.

Things I want do before I die.

So we'd better hurry up.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I want to see you
perform at Victoria Hall, Alma.

I don't know, there's just
not many... It's on my list.

OK.

I want to go to the Basque Country.

I'd like to meet Prince.

Maybe give him a peck on the cheek.

Maybe a bit more.

He's dead.

Is he?!

And American.

Oh, no.

I'd like to eat a croissant
in Paris.

Listen, I don't want to
sh*t in your bucket, Grandma,

but I don't think
we can do a lot of these.

I want to ride a camel.

And where are we supposed to
get you a camel?

What about a donkey?

They've got loads at Blackpool.

Ooh, Blackpool, yeah!

That's what we should do!

If I tell the hospital you're dying,
I'll probably get a day trip.

Brilliant!

I'm not going to...

Blackpool, here we come!

PARTY BLOWER BLARES

Oh, my God.

Now, La Tasca may
be your spiritual home, Mum,

but Blackpool is mine.

We are going to set that
seaside on fire!

OK. I think let's avoid any fires,
even as an analogy, at this point.

Yeah. I think so. Come on.

Just calm down. Come on!

Mum, are you going to walk normal,

or are you just going to be
sprinting for most of the afternoon?

Yeah. Oh, goodness, watch the step.
Watch the step.

MUSIC: My Little Stick
of Blackpool Rock
by George Formby

Yay! Yay!

♪ Every year when summer comes round

♪ Off to the sea I go

♪ I don't care if I do... ♪

Oh, look at this, named.
Look at this lot!

Grandma! No, I don't want Grandma.
Look at these. They've got...

What about "you plonker".

Hey, "Nympho." "Up yours."

What about "Big Boy", for Jim?

"Sex maniac." Yeah.
I'm having one of them.

Try the middle one.

Yeah.

Come on. Come on.

This is it. This is it.

Oh!

Right, hang on.

♪ It may be sticky... ♪

FOOT THUMPS MACHINE

♪ ..but I never complain... ♪

COINS TINKLE

Oh, my God! Hooray! Woohoo!

THEY LAUGH

♪ Every day, wherever I stray

♪ The kids all round me... ♪

Listen, can we just have the
bear anyway?

No. Oh, come on.

She's got cancer. She's dying.

Please. It...it would mean

the world to me.

SHE COUGHS

No, love.

Oh...

Ooh!

♪ With my little
stick of Blackpool rock... ♪

Oh! Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Hey! We're having that. Yeah.
Yeah. Fabulous.

Well done, Mum.

Romany Gypsy! Oh, my God.
We've got to go! We've got to go!

I've got a bloodline there,
as well.

It's where I get my psychic
connection from.

Do you not fancy a go? No!

I'm surprised she's
been in there this long.

Surely there's not much to say now.

♪ Wherever I stray

♪ The kids all round me... ♪

How'd it go?

I got in,

she burst into tears.

She said
I've had a terrible life...

..and I'm going to have ten more
terrible years.

So when I told her I was dying,
she said I wasn't.

But do I want another terrible ten
years, or a jolly few weeks?

I can't decide. Oh!

It's like Sophie's Choice.

Yeah.

Right, next on the bucket list -

eat a croissant in Paris.

♪ I went dancing each night

♪ No wonder every girl that
danced... ♪

If you squint, it does sort of look
like the Eiffel Tower.

It's better.

Mm.

Ooh!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh. It's good luck,
that, Mum.

Lin, I'm dying
and covered in bird sh*t.

How is this lucky?

THEY LAUGH

♪ You've properly mucked it up,
the only thing I can see... ♪

Thank you, Freddie.

That was a wonderful ride.

You're a very good, brave,
kind donkey

and I hope everyone appreciates you.

Let's have another picture.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, there's
so many things I wish I'd done.

So many lives I nearly had.

Should've had.

I should've gone to the
Pyrenees mountains.

Married that French millionaire
who liked my shoes.

I should've been a star.

Written an autobiography.

Don't, Mum. Don't.
You're ruining it.

Oh, I've got...
Lin, I'm allowed to have feelings.

I can't cope with them.

You know it's me that's dying,
don't you?

'Course I do!

Are you all right, Mum?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But...

..I'm just going to go now.

Well...well...we'll all go.

No. I'm...I'm going to get the
train back by myself.

Oh, Lin. Don't be silly.

Mum!

Mum!

She was always a sensitive child.

The worst thing about someone you
love getting sick

is watching them slowly fade away.

♪ Crying... ♪

It's not big, beautiful or dramatic.

♪ Crying never did nobody no good,
no how... ♪

In fact, it's quite boring and slow.

SHE EXHALES

♪ That's why I'm... ♪

I spy with my little eye...

..something beginning with C.

♪ That's why

♪ That's why I... ♪

Cup.

Yeah.

♪ I don't cry

♪ Laughing

♪ Laughing sometimes does somebody
some good somehow

♪ That's why I

♪ I'm laughing

♪ Now. ♪

There's a whole art form to it.
I'll show you, right?

So this is too close.

Yeah. This is too far away. Mm-hm.

It's this. Right.

My go. Right.

JOAN COUGHS

JOAN SIGHS

You ready? Yeah.

You're a natural.

Well, we knew that, didn't we?

SHE COUGHS

Ooh! Hello, Bolton!

Can't believe I'm going to be
on the Victoria Hall stage tonight.

Hmm.

Do you think your mum will come?

Oh, God, I hope
she doesn't, to be honest.

I might never see her again.

Phew!

My chin's completely given up.

I'd do anything to
look like Nicolas Cage now.

I think you look beautiful, Grandma.

Like an elf.

Hmm! An elf?!

Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

AUDIENCE CHATTERS

Hey.

Bloody beltin'.

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I'm Angry Ian!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!

Yeah?

I'm your host for tonight.

I'm washing up alone again.

Why? Good question.

Marriage. She... Hey, you know.

I should never have got married.
It was a big mistake.

I mean proper mistake.

What I said was,
"Will you carry me?"

You know?

Cos I were drunk.

So...

Not "marry", so that's the...

And...and then, get this,

she said I'm a lousy lover.

Lousy!

You horrible, evil b*tch!

AUDIENCE TUTS AND MUTTERS

So...

..moving on. Moving on.

Will you welcome to the stage,
all the way from over there,

Mr Brian Willaborn.

UNENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Something wrong with the lights.
They keep flashing, like that.

Oh, I've got epilepsy.

Oh. Oh. Oh, dear.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Come on then, Brian!

Yeah, come on, Brian. You're on.

Go on.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Good...good luck.

Ohh...

Alma Nuthall.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS

Tough crowd.

Woo!

LAUGHTER

So I like to start with a tit shake.
I just feel it relaxes people.

LAUGHTER

I come from a long line of eccentric
female Boltonians.

One of them's in tonight.

Give a "woo" to Grandma Joan.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

APPLAUSE

One in six of us believe we've been
abducted by aliens.

One in three of us
believe we are an alien.

LAUGHTER

Take A Break is less of a magazine
to us and more of a family album.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Like, we... Funerals, we bring
an extra coffin, just in case.

LAUGHTER

Grandma gets terrible at Christmas.
She's real dramatic and maudlin.

"I don't want to sit in the corner
like a leftover piece of turkey."

"I couldn't possibly."

"I've just defrosted a loaf...and
it needs eating."

Then she put the phone down,
didn't you?

I did!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Goodnight!

Woo!

Woo!

Well, I've done it.

What?

You were talking about me up there.

Through you...

..I was on that stage.

You were brilliant tonight, Alma.

You're definitely the funniest
person on the planet.

Think that's a bit much.

No, I don't think so.

Do you know, I'm proud of every
rebellious decision I've ever made.

Hmm.

I mean, look at you.

I've not done so bad, have I?

No.

Bob the speakers on.

I want Edith. OK.

MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien,
by Edith Piaf

♪ Non, rien de rien

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien

♪ Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait

♪ Ni le mal

♪ Tout ca m'est bien egal

♪ Non, rien de rien

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien

♪ C'est paye, balaye

♪ Oublie

♪ Je me fous du passe. ♪

JOAN COUGHS

I'd like to see everyone tomorrow.

Before...

SHE COUGHS

Hmm!

THEY CHUCKLE

Aww. He's lovely, isn't he?

What's he called?

Koo.

Koo? Yeah.

I don't know why.
I just like it.

Fair enough.

I feel really loved
and protected by him.

He's masterful, but deeply kind.

I hope you find
someone as kind as Koo.

WHISPERS: 'Night, Grandma.

Night-night, sweetheart.

Mm.

SHE COUGHS

They taste exactly the same as
the big ones,

only they're so much smaller so you
can fit them in your handbag.

That's brilliant.

That's brilliant, cos when your
blood sugar drops

and you're out and
about, you're f*cked.

Exactly.

Evie, I saw that!

What? It's not like she'll need it
where she's going.

Right, take what you want,
but not the telly or my p*nis.

That sculpture's priceless to me.

I always carry an emergency
Chomp in my bag.

You never! I do.

SHE CACKLES

You're joking!

No. I always have one!

Look in my bag.

Oh, hiya, Dickie.

Hiya, love.

Right, Joany, I've brought
you some lavender

and some chives from my garden.
Anti-cancer herb, chive.

Bit late for that, Dickie.
Have a whiff of that.

Oh, yeah, that's lovely.

You like it? Mm.

Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.

Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.

Bob that under your pillow at night,
you'll sleep like a baby.

Evie!

What?

Something to remember her by.

Oh, that you can definitely have.

Look what the cat's dragged in.

Joan. Oh, Jim.

Hello, Mother. Oh, hello, you.

You're not going to shout
today, are you?

I'm very tired.

For f*ck's sake,
I'm not going to do, am I?

I brought you
some f*cking grapes.

LIN CRIES

Oh, Lin. Come here...

..you silly sod. It's all right.

What you doing with that?!

Bloody fun police again!

It's not a f*cking party, Evie!

I'm celebrating
my sister's life, Lin.

Put that f*g out an' all!

They've done enough damage
to our Joany as it is.

They can't do much more to me now.
Give us a drag.

Fabulous.

JOAN COUGHS

Want some of this? Hmm. Hmm.

Take it. Oh, lovely.

Ta.

Hey, Joany, do you remember
when we used to go

and nick Dad's baccy,
smoke it in the coal shed?

Eh?

Yeah.

We snuck a lot of stuff into that
coal shed, didn't we?

Eh?

First the ciggies, then the boys.
THEY GIGGLE

Horrible, you two!

Bloody hell, Joany! Hmm.

Evie! She said anything
but the p*nis.

I don't remember that.

Selfish cow!

I'm the cow?!

YOU'RE the cow!

Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!
Oh, don't start all that again!

Moo! Moo! Come on!
Moo! Moo!

Moo! Moo! Moo-moo! Moo-moo-moo!

Mum? Mum?!

Mum?!

FART

Mum?

It's the last gasp, Lin.

It's when the soul
leaves the body.

What, through your arse?!

SNIFFLING

Oh...

..look at the moon.

She really let one
rip, our Joany, didn't she?

Stinks in here.

There was nobody
quite like my grandma.

She was completely unique.

A tour de force.

A whirlwind.

She was full of contradictions.

Ferocious, but deeply sensitive.

Full of love, with an acid tongue.

Other-worldly and wise

but with the undiluted innocence
and enthusiasm of a child.

She loved Spam and Chanel.

QUIET CHUCKLES

She hated pretension
but drank red wine out of a tumbler

"to feel more Basque".

LAUGHTER

She was a clown.

She was a beauty.

She was a witch.

She was a star.

SHE SNIFFS

And I'll miss her...

..forever.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Boombastic
by Shaggy

♪ Mr Boombastic

♪ What you want is some Boombastic,
romantic

♪ Fantastic lover

♪ Shaggy

♪ Mr Lover lover, mm

♪ Mr Lover lover

♪ Hehe, girl

♪ Mr Lover lover, mm

♪ Mr Lover lover

♪ She call me Mr Boombastic. ♪

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

SHE SNIFFS

MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien,
by Edith Piaf

♪ Non, rien de rien

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien

♪ Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait

♪ Ni le mal

♪ Tout ca m'est bien egal

♪ Non, rien de rien

♪ Non, je ne regrette... ♪