02x06 - Never Give a Hamster Matches

[bunniefuu]

Nobody tells you how much admin
dying brings, do they?

All those forms we've had to fill in
today, just to...

..pick up a box of dust.

I'm glad we've got her, though.

Right.

Pasties.

Cheese for you, Mum.

Cheese for you, Jim.

Meat and potato for me.

Meat for you, Grandma.

I couldn't leave her out, could I?

I should look after those ashes,
now, shouldn't I?

No.

I've just filled all the forms in.

You'd probably just lose them
or smoke them.

You've got a right bug
up your arse these days, you.

Sorry.

I've just been
a bit bleurgh, recently.

I've been having three baths a day
and eating tinned macaroni cheese

for breakfast. Well, I've got
my own pickle going on.

Look.

What is it?

Mum, this is a court summons
for arson and as*ault.

I know.

The staff keep teasing me about it,
saying I'm going to go to prison.

I don't... I don't want to go back
to prison, Alma.

No. Well, I'm not going
to let you, Mum.

I'm not losing you and Grandma
in the same f*cking month.

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

I didn't want it to go to waste.

It turns out Mum's incident
with witchcraft six months ago

is still getting her into trouble.

The staff on the ward are pressing
charges for arson and as*ault.

Mum says they're all liars
and they're bullying her.

It's hard to know what to believe.

But if she's found guilty, she could
do up to five years in prison.

I will not let that happen.

♪ You wanna play with me, well

♪ I'm the ruler of this map

♪ I'm the ruler of this world, yeah

♪ I hear you knocking on my door,
I... ♪

Yes?

Jules? Yes.

Alma.

We've got an appointment
at 11.30.

Right. Yes.

Erm, yeah, do you want
to take a seat? Yeah, sorry.

Um... Oh!

Right, erm...

Oh.

Sorry! I'm just...
I'm a bit woo-woo today.

I just...
WHISPERS: I've had a vasectomy.

And I'm just all over the place.

Oh, God. And just,
hard surfaces are...

Oh! But, um... But, no, let's, um...

Sorry, just dive in. Go, go.

Er, well, thanks for taking
my mum's case.

Oh, diving in right now!
OK, let me get a pen. Pen.

Oh, God.

Oh. Wherefore art thou, pen?

I'm always... Ooh, ah.

Always losing
the slippery little things.

Where's a pen? Ah! God!

OK. Don't worry about that.
I'll just... It's that.

Yeah.

Oh, right, OK, so, um,

yeah, so, basically,
my mum's on Harman's Ward.

Alma. Yes.

And your mum's on that
terrible, terrible ward. Yeah.
Oh, right, you know it?

Yeah. No, I've done a lot of
pro-bono work for patients.

There's a lot of malpractice
and abuse over the years.

Right. I... I had no idea.

So, it turns out Mum lost
the postcode lottery

when she ended up in Harman's Ward.

The staff are currently being
investigated for toxic culture,

taunting and bullying patients,

inappropriate use of
the restraint position

and falsifying medical documents.

Ultimately, Mum was right all along
when she said...

This isn't a place
to get better, Alma.

This is a place to get worse.

You'd think that getting a job
looking after some of the most
vulnerable women in the country,

you'd need a certain set of skills,
training and qualifications.

You don't! It's actually easier to
get a job here than Wetherspoon's.

And the same wage, too.

Basically, after 14 years
of austerity,

it's safe to say
Harman's Ward is a shitshow

and the social services,
mental health, and housing systems,

are well and truly f*cked.

Let me get... Let me get a pen.
Um...

CLATTERING

Oh! Christ. There we go.

Got it.

Now, um...

So it was, um, El...
Alma with an A.

Not Elma. It's that elephant. Great.

Bill, get the quails' eggs
out of the air fryer,

put the pea puree on the side
and breadcrumbs on top.

Come on, quick. Yep. Yes, Chef.

f*ck's sake.
Right, two secs. Right.

Yes. Yeah? Yes!

Oh, get in!

Hello! Ooh, Alma. Try this.
Oh.

Right.

Mmm. f*ck me, that's good!

Ooh, you look serious. Yes.

When you're fighting the system,
Leanne, you need to power dress.

A sensible shoe.

A serious bag.

Shoulder pads.

Assertive bun.

I've also got my mum a solicitor.

He's a small and unusual man

and definitely an over-sharer,
but he's pro-bono.

So he likes U2, then? Ha.

Like, Bono from U2.

If he's, like, pro-bono,

he's... He likes Bo...

f*ck's sake. No-one enjoyed
that, Bill. Get back to
the aubergine quiche.

No, they didn't enjoy it.

I've actually got my mum's
written statement now,

which I'm going to have to type up,

because she's done it in crayon.
But that's fine.

Ha-ha. These angry-looking goats
here are the staff

pissing injustice into the well
of despair, apparently.

I'm not quite sure how I'll type
that up, but I'll find a way.

I've also found out that
our local MP is also really

pissed off with 'em. So I'm going
to go and visit him today.

I feel like
Erin f*cking Brockovich, me.

Go for it, girl.

Whoo!

♪ Ow! Yeah, ow, yeah, I'm on my way

♪ Yeah, ow, yeah, I'm on my way. ♪

Hello there.

Is it Chris?

No, I'm Chris's assistant.

Oh. Yeah.

Er, so what's your name?
Sorry, who are you?

My name's Alma.

I'm a local constituent. Er, my mum
is actually on Harman Ward,

which I know Chris talked
quite passionately about

in the run-up to the election.

So, basically... Email. Email.
You need to, um...

You need to email him.
Right, OK.

I did try an email,
but it bounced back.

There's nothing wrong
with our email address.

Oh. I've tried six times.
Well, I'm receiving emails.

There's nothing wrong
with the email address.

Our email address is fine.

OK. I feel we're getting a bit
stuck on the email address.

Um, what...what's your name?
Gareth.

We don't have any problems
with our email address.

OK, you seem quite defensive
about the email address, Gareth.

It's not a criticism. I'm just,
you know, explaining why I'm here.

Yeah, well, I'm just surprised
to hear about the email address,
is all. Right.

HE MUMBLES

OK, you're starting to sound
a little bit like
a malfunctioning robot.

But that's OK. I'm just
going to plod on and tell you
what...what I'm doing here.

So, basically, my mum, um, is
getting progressively worse and...

You're talking too fast,
you need too slow down. OK, sorry.

LOWERS VOICE: Er, so basically,
what we're looking for
is advocacies.

Yeah, you don't need to whisper.

You're quite a difficult fish
to please, Gareth.

I mean, I can jot a couple of notes
down and see if

it's something he'd be
interested in, but without an email,

it'll be really pointless.

We need urgent
political support, Gareth.

This is a political issue.

This is about the criminalisation

and abuse of
mental-health sufferers.

This is about the detrimental cuts
to life-saving services.

Sorry, could I get
a bit of eye contact?

I'm telling you something quite
harrowing here and you're just

casually eating a banana.

It would just be better
with an email.
Look, we also accept post, so...

Maybe I should just send you
a pigeon, Gareth.

Why don't you send us a letter

and then we'll all get back
to you in due course?

Yeah. And why don't you just
go f*ck yourself, Gareth?

♪ I got a hot knife

♪ And a tight collar

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh-huh. ♪

I've been watching these tubes.

They're getting bigger and bigger

and yet the roll
has stayed the same size.

And you're telling me
there's 200 sheets per roll?

Lies. Sorry to butt in.

Er, this is actually my agent and
we've got a meeting, So shall we...?

Mrs Hawkins, I haven't personally
sat down and counted
the number of sheets per roll

but if you'd like to, feel free.

Now, if you'd excuse us,
I have a meeting with my client

in my office.

Alma, this way.
Thank you, Mrs Hawkins.

Thank you.

I had a call
from a BBC producer.

Oh. Now, I thought it was
a prank at first so I hung up.

Turns out she's real.
She saw you in the comedy showcase

and she wants to see you
in another gig and then bring you
in for a meeting.

Oh, my God! Wow!

So, I think, before we invite her,

we need to finesse your material.

So I've got a great book.

Stand-Up For Idiots? Yeah.

Well, that's quite insulting, David.

No. Don't knock
the For Idiots books.

I could never have become
an agent without 'em.

And that seems to be
going very well.

Thank you.

Now, successful comedians observe
everyday normal things

and find the humour in it.

Now, Michael McIntyre gets
20 minutes of material

putting his kids' shoes on.

I mean, it could be about
anything. Right.

Like... Like printers.

You know.
So, printers always break.

You can put a person on the moon,

but you can't get a printer to work.

Mm-hm. So my point is,

it's surprising how printers
are still so crap.

Yeah.

All right, well,
thanks for the book, David.

I think that we still need
to work on your observation,

everyman material

and less of your madcap
kind of family...

Oh! Agh!

..background stuff.

I think you need to get
a better office, David.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh! God! Oh!

Oh. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hello. Come in, take a seat, sorry.

Oh, goodness me. I might stand
for this meeting, guys,
if that's all right.

Just, I can't sit down.
QUIETLY: Just I thought it was going

to get a little bit better,
but it's just got worse.

It's just all horrible down there.

Oh. Good. Anyway, you must be Lin.
Lovely, lovely Lin!

♪ Lovely to meet you,
sometimes I sing... ♪

But don't worry, I won't do it
tomorrow in court.

Don't worry! Are you my solicitor?

Yes.

Yes, Jules, er, Goodwin.

Er, I try to.

HE LAUGHS

Um, now, look, Lin.
In a court, it's all... It's all
about appearances, OK?

So you need to look smart,
but not too smart.

My silver shell-suit
is smart-casual.

No, Mum. And approachable.

Cos what we want to say is...

♪ Hello, I'm Lin

♪ I'm fine

♪ I'm not a violent member
of society. ♪

OK? So we can all do this.

♪ Hello...

THEY JOIN IN

♪ Hello, I'm Lin

♪ I'm fine

♪ I'm not a violent
member of society. ♪

Now, posture, Lin.
Posture, it's shoulders back,

chin up, core centred,
feet grounded.

And let's not forget - smile.

Oh, she actually looks more
like a violent member of society.

Could that smile be less?

Hmm. Now, when the social workers
take the stand,

they might say some things
that you don't agree with.

Well, I'll f*cking tell 'em.
No. You can't do that, Mum.

You are very fidgety
with your hands.

Could you sit on...
Maybe, could you sit on your hands?

Well, could she draw in court -
to distract her?

Why not? Yeah.

Argh! For f*ck's sake!

Sorry, let's...

Let's just refocus. OK.

So, Lin. Um, I'm going to ask you
some questions, now,

that you might get asked, um,
when you take the stand in court.

Um, but, remember,
it's all about staying...

♪ Calm and approachable. ♪

No, I can't f*cking do it!
No, I don't want to f*cking do it!

OK. Ahem.

FORMAL VOICE: Lin Nuthall,
were you under the influence

of any substances
at the time of the incident?

♪ I'm Lin!

♪ I'm fine!

♪ I'm a member of society! ♪

I mean, it's just
an internal thing, isn't it?

You've just got to think that,
but then...

But if you do need to do it
out loud, that's...
♪ I'm Lin!

♪ I'm fine!

♪ I'm a member of society! ♪

♪ I'm not a violent member
of society. ♪

♪ I'm not a violent member
of society! ♪

Did you feel threatened
or believe that you were acting
in self-defence?

♪ I'm Lin!

♪ I'm fine!

♪ I'm definitely a member
of society! ♪

Maybe you should plead guilty.

I just don't think
we should go to court.

I'm not pleading guilty
to something I didn't do.

Yeah.

Hey, I've written some new jokes.
Shall I read you one?

Yeah, I could do with a laugh.

Right.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, hang on.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

What's with bin day?

You never know when it's bin day,
do you?

You know, you get into bed, you're
tucked up and then you think,

"Oh, sh*t, it's bin day."

You've got your pyjamas on,

you've got to run downstairs,
go out into the street

with no shoes on, in your pyjamas,
wheeling the bin.

And then you're thinking,
"Oh," because you...
cos you've missed bin day.

And then there's neighbours
and, oh, God...

And they've done their bins,
but you've never done yours.

That's sh*t, isn't it?

I don't know. Is this what normal
people worry about - bin day?

I don't know.
It's domestic life, in't it?

I'm observing domestic life.

I'm homeless and possibly going
to prison, Alma.

I don't think I'm
your target audience. Hmm.

Huh. Bin day.

Heh.

And that's when she attacked
the staff.

Later that evening, she was found
in her room setting fire to things -

paper... That's absolute
f*cking bobbins.

BOBBINS!

Order.
This Cunty McFuckface is lying!

Order! It's f*cking sabotage.

You need to sit down, Miss Nuthall.

I did have a lighter.

I was burning sage
to try and calm myself,

but I did not start a fire
and I did not as*ault anyone.

I...I may not be the most
respectable citizen in this

toilet... Order!
..of a cunty country.

But I am not violent.

I don't hit people.

I some... I sometimes shout

and I like to burn things.
That's it!

It's absolute f*cking bob...

Oh! Here we go.

You're not f*cking listening
to me, are you?

Nobody's ever listening to me.

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I fought the law
and the law won... ♪

Get off!
♪ I fought the law and the... ♪

Shall we continue?

Where are you taking her?
Where are they taking her?

She's being placed in remand
until we've finished here.

Alma Nuthall to read
an affidavit on Lin Nuthall.

Erm...

Um...

I've watched my mother deteriorate

under the appalling care
of the state over three decades.

Nobody has ever asked my mum,
"What happened to you?"

They've only ever asked,
"What's wrong with you?"

I know my mother can be
her own worst enemy at times,

but I wholeheartedly believe
that she wouldn't have become

as ill as she has if it wasn't
for the mistreatment,

misjudgment and misdiagnosises
of this system.

They've made catastrophic mistakes

that have traumatised her
and only made her more ill.

When I think of my mother's life -

who she is,

who she was...

..who she could and should
have been...

..the only thing I can think is
that it's a tragedy.

SHE SNIFFS

It's a tragedy that should
and could have been prevented.

And now we find ourselves
in this baffling place

where my mum is having charges
pressed against her

by the very people
that were supposed to protect her,

and ultimately abused her.

These charges should be dropped

and my mum should be rehoused
and supported properly.

If that doesn't happen,
I have to ask -

where is the justice?

Where is the empathy?

Where's the humanity?

Thank you.

Oh, he's here.
Hello, I'm so sorry about that.

I just bumped into an old, erm,
an old colleague, Steve.

Um, we were actually at school
together, as well,

and, um, actually, he used to bully
me quite a lot, but he's...

OK. Sorry, can we just...?
Is this...? Um...

Yes, sorry, OK.

Oh. Um...

So, look, it's not good news,
er, I'm afraid.

Um, your mum's been sentenced
to six months in prison.

What the f*ck?! Which will see her
referred back to the secure ward

for hospital stay on her release.

And she won't be able to come back
out now, either, I'm afraid.

She's er... She's been taken
into custody straight away.

I know, I'm...
I'm genuinely so, so sorry.

Oh, it's just, I've been on this

wild losing streak of just
sort of loss, loss, loss,

this last two, three, four year...

I mean more if you count
the pandemic.

Six, seven years. We did a lot
of virtual things,

but again, it's loss,
loss, loss. Just...

I don't know what's, um, going on.

Um, can I just come right back,
cos I've got... Steve?

Steve, if we're playing
this afternoon,

can I borrow some clubs,
as well?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, it's Alma again.

Um, I wondered if I could have,
er, er, er, chips,

sausage, gravy,

a steak pudding, actually.

Er, a cheese pie.

Um, a fried fish,

battered sausage.

Do you know what? I'll just
have it all - chippy tapas.

Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, right.

God.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

MAN: Hello.

Hello? Hello. Can you just
leave it on the mat?

I'm not answering the door
at the minute.

Eh? Not a biggie.
I'm just finding doors and the world

and people's faces quite intense.

Not personal to your face -
more in general.

I'm just not quite ready
for the world, at the minute.

Hello.

You look like a bloody Flump. What
are you wearing that daft hat for?

Just hiding.

From who?

Myself.

You know when you're just
a bit scared of the world
and your own ears?

Yeah. All the time.

What's going on?

Just been in a bit of
a bad blob, really.

How bad?

I've been watching back-to-back
episodes of Gilmore Girls.

Which season?

The revival. Oh, dear..

Hmm. It's all right.
It's going to be good, I think.

It'll be fine. I'm going to keep
fighting with everything.

So I'm going to get an in-reach
team to come into the prison

and assess you, which means
you'll go back to the hospital,

which, obviously,
I know is not ideal,

but once you're back
in the hospital, then we could fight

from there to get you out,
because we can put in an appeal.

Alma, there's no point.

It won't work.

It's a trap.

I want you to...

..leave it all alone now.

It's just not fair, though,
is it, Mum? Just leave it.

Get yourself sorted.

Hey, and then maybe you can buy us
that caravan in Rhyl.

Hey, f*ck it, I need to dream big -

get me one in Blackpool.

That'd be good.

So, how's it been here?

Ah, not bad.

Yeah? Scary, sometimes.

But there's more drugs,
which is fun.

Is it? I'm not sure about that, Mum.

They did a poetry competition.

And I won. Brilliant!

Hey, do you want me to read it you?
Yeah, definitely.

It's called...

Never Give A Hamster Matches.

Right.

I get absorbed by the flare

It first-name knows me

We crackle and spit together

When I'm torching history.

No matter how dire,
before you finally retire

And burn hot on that pyre,
make sure you call a liar a liar.

Aim the flying f*ck higher

Take a Lucifer out my box
and fight fire with fire.

Those loose screws tell you
no drugs, no booze,

Give you all the don'ts, dos,
wake you up when you snooze.

Punk rock, the blues.

Hamstering madly on a wheel,

Listening to the others
in agony squeal.

The b*stards grinding
have only one goal -

To keep you down
and take your dole.

If you've the spark,
you've the solution,

A good-evil evolution.

Staying alive's the revolution.

So in between the b*tches
and scratches,

Snitchers and snatchers,

Bashers and grasses,

Smashes and crashes,

Bangs and flashes,

Never give a hamster matches.

That's brilliant, Mum.
That's really good.

HE APPLAUDS

Yeah.

Yeah.

First prize.

I got an Easter egg.

I just feel so angry
and helpless.

I mean, what do I do now?

Write about it.

Eh?

Write it down.

Perform it. Get it out.

That's what your mum does
with her paintings and her poetry

and her shouting. Huh.

She gets it out.

That's why they love her
paintings on the wall. They're real.

They connect.

They're helping people.

They help me.

Huh.

Thanks, Jim.

JOAN'S VOICE: I don't eat egg
any more, Alma.

Who wants to eat the unborn child
of a depressed hen?

LIN'S VOICE: Don't waste your life
ironing a man's clothes, Alma.

"His creases will drop out,
but your wrinkles won't."

I'm a hamster on a wheel!

AS LIN: How do you know it's cooked?
It looks the f*cking same!

JOAN: My body is an instrument
of pleasure -

I'm a sexual violin
and I need to be played.

I'm performing here next Tuesday.

Bring that BBC producer.

But I'm not going to be doing
any of that

"observing normal things" sh*t.

Because that's not normal to me.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MC: I'll tell you what...
I'll tell you this now.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

QUIETLY: Be more calm,
confident, collected.

Comedic.

I'm a cheeky chipolata.
A cheeky potato.

A funny onion.

Right.

If in doubt,
tit and shake it out.

Tit and shake it out.

DAVID'S VOICE, WHISPERED: BBC. BBC.

Oh, nice to meet you.

WHISPERED: BBC.

Anyway, ladies and gents,
it's time for the next act.

Please go crazy, go wild,

for Alma Nuthall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE