02x05 - Don't F**k With Grandmas

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

Alexa? How many
ounces are in 2 cups?

ALEXA: 2 cups is


Thanks.

Alexa, where do
pancakes come from?

ALEXA: The Ancient Greeks made
pancakes called tiganítes.

The word derives from
tigáni, meaning "frying pan."

Ah. I thought it
was the Chinese.

The Chinese love inventing
things, like the compass

and fireworks and gunpowder.

And part of Naomi
Campbell. He, he!

Did you know that Naomi
Campbell was part Chinese?

Oh hey, I made some
special breakfast for you.

I can't. I gotta go to work.

I'll be back later, though.

It's okay. I'll eat
the pancakes by myself.

- [sad violin]
- And then I'll die.

I'll collapse on the floor
and nobody will find me.

And then the maggots will
come and just eat me out.

- [rock music ringtone]
- [phone vibrates]

- Hello?
- MAN: Hello, is this Mrs. Lin?

- Speaking?
- MAN: Hi, Mrs. Lin.

It appears that there's
been an error at the bank.

And we have $50
that belongs to you.

We can credit your account now

if you're able to confirm
your account number.

Okay, uh, you know,
uh, I'm not sure.

Let me find my card.
Oh, here it is.

MAN: Go ahead.

The number is four,
five, seven, nine,

f*ck off, you scammer!

♪

So, we're all here.

Wait, where's Shu Shu?

She said she can't make it.

Maybe she's still recovering
from the flesh-eating bacteria.

Typical Shu Shu.

Well, anyway, it was Siqi's
turn to pick the book this time.

I hope everyone
enjoyed "Little Women"

by Louisa May Alcott.

To be honest, I did not.

Yes, a better title
would've been "White Women."

Mm-hmm.

- [rock music ringtone]
- [phone vibrates]

Hello? Oh, sure.

My account number is
six, nine, six, nine,

f*ck off!

Ay-ah, can you believe
these tele-scammers?

They think we're stupid, like
us Chinese can't smell a trap.

Saying I have $50 credit
in my bank account.

- He said a credit of $50?
- Yeah!

And his voice was
clearly altered

like he was some kind of robot.

Oh no! I think I
got the same call.

Me too.

You didn't fall for it, right?

I sent him a selfie
with my debit card.

I faxed him my
birth certificate.

You have to check
your bank accounts.

I think you got scammed!

- Ooh!
- That's it!

We have to do
something about this.

♪

I'm here to report
multiple crimes.

What can I do for you?

My friends got ripped off
by a telephone scammer.

He got their bank account
numbers and stole from them.

- $120 each!
- Okay.

Someone will be out to give
you some paperwork to fill out.

- We don't have time for forms!
- Where's the sheriff?

Nonviolent cases are
automatically lower priority.

We have drug dealers.
We have stabbings.

So if you and your friends
could please take a seat,

someone will be with you.

Congrats on the wedding.

NORA: We have a bevy
of different strains

in the CBD world.

Upper... you know, you
drink a cup of coffee,

feel like having
a little diarrhea,

this is not gonna
make you that up.

I think on a scale of
coffee to crystal meth,

this probably lies
well below coffee.

It doesn't really work.

But, this one,
actually very special.

It's a lube, right?

But lube can be used
for all sorts of things,

not just tires, right?

I would put it up...
in my as*h*le...

Hold it. If you just
would excuse me.

You should do a
focus group or two.

I think you'd be amazing at it.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Hey!

[shouting]

How long have the two
of you been partners?

Partners? It's like one kiss.

- Nora!
- [yelps]

What's going on?

What are you doing
here, Margaret?

You are on the FBI's
Most Wanted List.

- I'm not anymore.
- They cut me a deal.

I missed you.

Oh, they made you a deal?

What are you, f*cking Big Lots?

MARGARET: No, truly, though.

It turns out if you
just turn somebody in

that's doing some stuff,

the FBI just
totally lets you go.

And my brother-in-law?

He was just taking hot,
wet dumps in, like,

public parking lots?

And people don't like
that sh*t, literally.

And he also had sex with
a couple of rare birds

but, you know, to
each their own.

So I turned him in
and he got arrested.

And so here I am.
How are you doing?

Good? You look good.

- You almost put me in jail.
- You remember that, Margaret?

Look, this is a legitimate
job for me, okay?

I'm not trying to scam
anybody. That's in my past.

What's in the past
is in the P-A-S-T.

- You know what that spells?
- Past.

I'm on the straight and narrow.

Mostly narrow.

Did I mention you look good?

- So good.
- Thank you.

Like you're just drinking
all the pineapple juices.

Is this a wig? 'Cuz
this is a good wig.

- No, all mine, all mine.
- Is it?

♪

- Those cops are assholes.
- Just because it's, what?

Not a m*rder? I'll
m*rder their faces.

[phone ringing, vibrating]

MAN: Hello, Mrs. Lin.

Did you enjoy your little
tattletale trip to the cops?

I'm sure that they were
very helpful in giving back

all this money that I
stole from your friends...

Who by the way, are
now all broke as sh*t.

[gasps] He's taunting me!

- He's taunting us.
- MAN: That's correct.

Too bad you can't stop
me from doing it again.

In fact, I've already
done it again.

- What does that mean?
- Done it to who?

[knocking at door]

Shu Shu! Are you okay?

♪

- Hi.
- Oh my god.

Did you get scammed too?

That's it.

- This b*tch is gonna die.
- f*ck yeah.

I faxed him a proof of payment
and my driver's license because

he told me he would throw
in a gift certificate

to Edible Arrangements.

Shu Shu, how is it that
you still look so good?

Stop. I look young
on the outside.

But internally,
I have prolapsed.

- Oh, thank god.
- Yeah, I can tell.

The only thing
that's gonna prolapse

is this scammer as*h*le!

Since the police won't help
us, we must resort to plan B.

We take him on ourselves.

Siqi, you have a moderately
successful Etsy store

and animals love you.

You're basically
a dog whisperer.

Shu Shu has broken
every bone in her body

through freak accidents.

But she's an all-around badass.

Iris, you are criminally cute.

And you always have
lotion on hand.

You can get us out of
any sticky situation.

And I'm our fearless leader.

Voiceover queen, amazing friend,

I once ate a f*ck
ton of shrimps.

So, first let's find out where
the hell he's calling from.

- On it.
- I'm Googling the number.

He's calling from... from the
G&Y Food Mart on 30th Avenue.

- All right, then.
- Let's go there and kick his a*s!

♪

[door chime]

- Can I help you?
- Yeah!

You can start by giving my
friends their money back, thief!

I'm sorry.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Liar. You are running a
phone scam out of this bodega

and we want justice!

No, I'm not.

Our number is
spoofed all the time.

What!?

It wasn't anybody actually
calling from here.

They were just
faking the number.

Now, I'm sorry, but the
nervous teenager behind you

is trying to buy condoms.

MAN: Hello, Mrs. Lin.

Good job tracking
down the bodega.

Did you really think
that I was stupid enough

to use my own phone number?

Maybe I'll go here next.

- He knows where I live?
- MAN: Or here.

- IRIS: [gasps]
- He knows where we all live?

- MAN: That's correct.
- The fun is going to continue.

'Cuz I'm gonna
scam this grandma.

[gasping]

- MAN: And this one.
- [gasping]

- MAN: And this one.
- [gasping]

- MAN: And this one.
- [gasping]

MAN: And there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

Oh, by the way, try the
Fuego Chili Lime Takis

in the last aisle.

They'll take your tongue skin
right off, but in a good way.

What the hell was that
"V for Vendetta" sh*t?

♪

MARGARET: This'll make
your hands tingly,

but don't put it on your
tongue... unless you want to.

Unless you have a lot of
homework, you know what I mean?

Also, I can just find
you something stronger...

Hey. You got Blue Shoes?

Um, I... I don't
know what those are.

Come one, I know you have 'em.

Let me... let me go
ask my manager...

- No, no, no.
- I... I... I know you got 'em.

This is where I always get 'em.

We have a blue bath b*mb.

d*ck pills!

We don't sell d*ck pills here.

- Her. Curlita!
- She got them for me.

- Hey, Oscar!
- Right back, okay?

- What's up?
- What are you doing in here?

- What do you mean?
- I'm working like you doin'.

- You are selling d*ck pills.
- What are you talking about?

Okay, you need your
green juice today.

Will you take care of them?

They're ready to spend
some money they don't have

and I'm here for it. Hey, Oscar.

OSCAR: [whispers] Hey,
Curlita, how are you?

I'm good.

I love that you love
Blue Ivy Carter.

- She's making an appearance.
- Yes, tonight, tonight.

Yes, and we do
love Blue so much.

[camera shutter clicking]

♪

That hacker is
underestimating us.

He doesn't know that my grandson
is also a computer genius.

You know, I'm an actor now.

I haven't actually hacked
into anything in over a year.

Not since I
accidentally uploaded

the wrong workout
photo to Scruff...

Will you stop thinking
about a*s and help us?

Sorry, okay.

Um, let me find the IP addresses

that are linked to
the bank accounts

and we'll go from there.
It shouldn't take too long.

♪

[sighs]

♪

[cracking]

♪

EDMUND: Okay, I need a break.

♪

[typing]

I got it!

I found the address where he's
getting the cash delivered!

Oh, I am so ready
to cut a b*tch!

Ah, thank you for
helping us, Edmund.

No, thank you, Grandma.

I think I sweat so much
that I lost 5 pounds.

I'm gonna be so thin
for my audition.

Oh, audition? What for?

Okay, so it's this cross
between "Dear Evan Hansen"

and "Cabin in the Woods"...

Edmund, I don't give
a sh*t right now.

But Grandma loves you.

♪

[whispers] p*nis
enhancement drug ring...

Long Island



♪

[typing]

♪

[gasps] I knew it! Blue Shoes.

I knew there was a
d*ck pill conspiracy.

[camera shutter clicking]

SHU SHU: Now what?

Now we get revenge.

Don't f*ck with grandmas.

GRANDMA: Okay, it's pretty clear

there's one best way to do this.

We'll have to stealthily
sneak into the house.

SIQI: Wait, which one of
us is doing the flips?

- GRANDMA: Shut up, Siqi.
- Don't interrupt me.

There is a dog door. That's
how we're getting in.

We'll sneak through the kitchen.

Then we'll charge upstairs
and take down the scammer.

Amazing. Let's go.

Eh, it's 8:15 and
I'm pretty tired.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

Okay, what if we all
get a good night's sleep

and then reconvene at


when it's still dark?

- Great.
- Love it!

I'm just gonna sleep
here tonight, okay?

♪

- [whispers] Hey, Merlene?
- Hey.

Can I just talk to you
for a quick second?

Traditionally one works at a
job for longer than a few months

before asking for a raise.

No, I'm not... I'm not
asking for a raise.

- Um... it's Margaret.
- Love her.

Right, she's also, like, a
maniacal con artist/ex-convict.

She's my best salesperson.

- I have photo evidence...
- Photo evidence...

That she is selling
drugs up in here.

And not these kinds of drugs.

[whispers] p*nis drugs.

[sighs] Follow me.

I surrender!

- Oh, hey, boo-boo. To what?
- What are you surrendered to?

A maxi dress?

Are you in on this?

There's a CBD store
on every block now.

And Nora, I have a family.

You have two
chinchillas, Merlene.

Yeah, and one of
them has diabetes.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I donated to your
GoFundMe, by the way.

Thank you so much,
Margaret. She's...

MARGARET: Yeah, I'm the best.

Come on, Nora,
just join us, okay?

I do the sales. Merlene
does the distro.

He gets the goods for
the supplies and whatnot.

Ah, come on.

And, like, Oscar, Sad
Dad, always has a b*ner.

Eew.

It's a win-win. Come join us.

- No, this is... this is wrong.
- This is not okay.

- Come on, be cool, be chill.
- You know, we were lovers once.

She was very chill back then.

- It was a one kiss situation.
- No tongue.

It was so much more to me.

I mean... you should see
the memories on my phone.

I'm just saying,
Nora, lighten up.

We could use your help.

You'd make 2 grand a week.

♪

♪

Iris! What the f*ck is that?

We're supposed to
wear all black.

It's camouflage.

- That's flowers!
- And what the f*ck is that?

A shoehorn.

- What... ah, never mind.
- It's go time.

♪

GRANDMA: Uh oh.

This dog door's a lot
smaller than we thought.

My bones are soft and pliable
because of osteoporosis.

I got this.

I just need Siqi to
take care of the dog.

Here, puppy, puppy, puppy!

- ALL: Oh!
- [Chihuahua barks]

A Chihuahua!

Iris, you're up.

Lotion b*tch time.

♪

Time to shine, Shu Shu.

BOTH: [grunting]

Boop.

[house alarm wailing]

- [wailing stops]
- [grunts]

[pants]

♪

- [hushed chatter in Chinese]
- IRIS & SIQI: Walk faster!

- [chatter continues in Chinese]
- IRIS: Go, go!

- [chatter continues in Chinese]
- SIQI: Don't be so loud!

[thump, something breaking]

[overlapping chatter in Chinese]

♪

Oh, what the f*ck, Shu Shu?

Help me!

[frantic muffled voice]

Oh, sh*t. It's a kid.

It's you. How did you...

Help! Help! Child in
danger! Child in danger!

How do we get him to shut up?

We do what grandmas
do best: Feed him.

Actually, I am pretty hungry.

Aw, shut up.

♪

MERLENE: Nora, you already
work for me selling CBD.

This is basically
the same thing.

Who doesn't wanna be
part of the Rod Squad?

Look how cool we are.

We are helping sad dads
all across the country.

We are saving marriages.

Don't you wanna help that d*ck?

No, no, sorry, no,
no, I can't, I can't.

Okay, fine.

But if you change your mind,
you know where to find me.

By the way, I'm not going
by Margaret anymore.

- I'm going by Beef.
- Why?

Because it's delicious and
you always wanna eat it.

Duh! It's what's for dinner.

And lunch. It's low
carb. High protein.

Come on, you know you have,
like, a iron deficiency.

It's how I came up with
it in the first place.

- [whispers]
- Did you have to... Okay.

Remember you always talked
about the Atkins Diet?

Beef all day, boo-boo.

Great, awesome.

Well, with that in
mind, I guess I quit.

If you're quitting, you
need to return your shirt.

It's $39.

I will return the
shirt, Merlene.

MARGARET: Love you!

Your d*ck's gonna break.

♪

I didn't mean to
hurt any of you guys.

It's why I just took a
little bit from each person.

A little to you can mean
a lot to someone else.

I guess.

I... I was just trying to
do enough to get noticed.

Nobody notices me. My
parents are never there.

Just...

I literally didn't have
anything better to do.

You know, nobody
notices us either.

Old people, young people,
nobody takes us seriously.

Well, obviously not
old people. Duh.

My friend wants to k*ll you.

But I know you're a good kid.

Just promise me you
won't scam anybody again.

- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- GRANDMA: Good.

But you're gonna have
to eat an entire durian

in under 60 seconds.

Wait, no, no, no.

It says no outside
food right over there.

We're a bunch of old
people and a kid.

Who's gonna notice?

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...

- No, no, no, really.
- I'm allergic to Asian food...

- Eat the durian, b*tch.
- With stinky tofu.

Three Missi... oh,
nominy nom nom nom.

- Chew it.
- Yum.

Ah, yeah.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

You weren't kidding when you
said shopping spree, huh?

GRANDMA: Yeah, we got the
money back from that scammer.

Well, from his parents.

This is gonna be the
best book club ever.

I should start
reading some more.

I have time now
that I quit my job.

What? What happened?

It just, um...

You know, it wasn't
the right fit for me.

That's okay.

I'm gonna find something
else and it'll be good.

Okay, I'm sure you'll find
something soon, Bao Bao.

I want to see what
the fuss is all about

with these spicy
lime fuego chips.

NORA: Be careful with those.

I think those are for young
people, Shu Shu, not you!

[crunching]

Hah, hah, hah, hah, oh...

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t, my tongue skin!

My tongue skin! Oh my god!

[shouting]

SHU SHU: [yells]

♪

♪♪

Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

♪

♪ MTV