04x01 - Bear Cubs and Broncos

[bunniefuu]

[NEWS BULLETIN STYLE MUSIC]

[REPORTER] We're back
as officers are engaged

in a slow-speed chase
involving a white bronco.

[VICTORIA ON RADIO]
Keep a safe distance!

He kicked two trainers in
the head when he escaped.

Well, allegedly kicked.

Frank, you don't think
Old Jasper did it, do you?

O.J. was a rodeo star for
years, that's a violent sport.

Who knows what
he's capable of, really...

It's no excuse for what he did.

[REPORTER] The chase
continues as the convoy approaches

protesters gathered
to support Old Jasper.

[PROTESTERS YELLING]

I'm guessing this is,
like, a hot-button topic,

but I'm from New Zealand. Who's O.J.?

- Are you serious?
- I'm... not from here.

- Wow.
- [FRANK] Your country is stupid.

You're a douchebag.

[REPORTER] We are entering hour two,

with no end in sight.

[FRANK] If we hit the county line,

this becomes another precinct's glory.

Shred, slide over and take the wheel.

What? Why?

I'm gonna roll out of a
moving truck to stop that horse.

Why? Why?!

- Never tell me the odds!
- I didn't...

[SHRED] Wait, whoa!

[FRANK GROANS]

Landed on my phone wallet combo.

I'm sorry I made us get
those breakfast burritos.

That's tough before a run.

Not helpful.

[REPORTER] It appears the officer

is pursuing O.J. on foot.

A gambit both impressive

and completely unnecessary.

[FRANK] h*-h*-h*-h*-h*-h*-h*!

h*, h*, nice.

Whoo!

Hope you have a good lawyer, O.J.

That was awesome!

You don't have to tell me.

I was there.

[HORSE SNORTS]

So, we will no longer be
doing Flashback Fridays.

I was once again the only
one in costume and it's just...

yeah, it's not fun anymore.

[EMILY] Um...

[CLEARS THROAT] Lastly...

as you know, the city
has been over budget

and has been looking
for ways to save money.

I was hoping that this
wouldn't affect us, but...

the city is shutting down a precinct.

- What?!
- Am I getting fired?

Not us, not us, not us, no.

No, we're fine. We're fine.

But we are absorbing 10
officers from another precinct.

We don't have enough snacks for that.

I only absorb protein in powdered form.

- Who are we getting?
- Well, it's a fun bunch.

[BAGPIPES START BLARING]

[FRANK] No. Are you kidding me?

[BAGPIPES WHEEZE]

It'll stop playing in a second.

I'm in hell.

And guess who your God is now.

Hold my rig, Lydia.

T-Bag! I thought you
were gonna play me in.

Yeah, I told you, I don't know
how to play When Doves Cry yet.

[TEMPLETON] My partner Daisy, everybody.

[EMILY] Yay!

Welcome, Daisy. Welcome, everyone.

I lived and breathed for the two-three,

but I'm keeping an open
mind for my new home.

Except you.

You are dead to me. A ghost.

Me? What, are you still
mad about that emu incident?

You mean when that big bird bit my ham?

Allegedly... bit your ham.

Allegedly? You want me to show you

- what allegedly looks like?
- Not on the first day.

Let's get the lay of the land.

- We will definitely...
- I veto this merger.

I veto it.

- Un-vetoed.
- [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]

Okay, you're still gonna show
me favoritism, though, right?

I need three days off
for the Kentucky Derby.

I already bought the
hat, so I have to go.

Am I still the only Shred?
Are there any new Shreds?

I need a raise and half-day Wednesdays.

Okay, hey! Hey, hey, hey.

I will happily answer

all questions one-on-one in my office.

Meeting adjourned.

- Emily.
- I can't start with Frank.

I gotta build up to him.

Hey, I wanna be constructive
about this, but my thoughts

keep drifting to arson.

[BETTANY] Nuh-uh.

[PATEL] I hate this merger.

Oh, my God, no!

What, did you miss Shrimp Fest again?

My stupid daughter, she's...

Smart? She got into Wellington Prep.

It's the most expensive
school in the city!

I'm assuming that your wife's genes

are doing the heavy lifting there.

When we toured the school,
there were doctors and lawyers

who were worried about paying tuition.

Doctors and lawyers, Victoria!

So, why did you even let her apply?

Well, I didn't think she would get in.

You've met Addy!

You ever talk to her and think,
oh, well, you're going places.

Yeah. She sucks.

Yeah, not according to Wellington Prep!

I'm so glad that I don't
have to think about kids.

Except, like, tangentially
when I'm buying condoms

and stuff like that.

Yeah, well, I'm glad
things are going well

between you and Parker.

So good. Let me just say...

I wish I was sittin' on a bag
of frozen peas right about now.

I wish you wouldn't say that.

Yeah, I regret saying
that to you, actually.

[BETTANY] We got all day,
everyone will get their turn.

Go ahead.

- Hey.
- H... hey.

Hi. Um...

So, I know we said we'd
take time to think about

what happened the other
night at the penguin enclosure,

and I've thought about it.

Have you thought about it?

It's kind of all I've
been thinking about.

Me too! Wait.

We're talking about
the kiss part, right?

Not the, like, adorable penguins part.

- Yeah, the... yeah. That.
- Okay.

I was thinking it's something
we should do again sometime.

Me too.

- Amazing.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, but we can't do
anything until I talk to my boss.

I mean, I'm your supervisor.
You're my subordinate.

Like, this has to be very above board.

Yeah, and I can't do anything
until I break up with Isabelle.

And she's outta town right now.

And, I, I mean, I can't break
up with her over the phone, so.

Oh, really? 'Cause I was
gonna talk to my boss today.

I could totally break up
with her over the phone.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

I think it's actually kinder in a way.

- Okay. Oh, yeah, that...
- Yes.

- That would work.
- Yeah.

So, uh, you do your thing

and I'll do my thing, and then we'll...

Hopefully...

Maybe...

All right, time's up.

New officer Carlyle wants to
talk about his dental coverage.

And between you and me,
hope he has the Cadillac plan,

'cause that man's mouth is a graveyard.

Ooh...

Hey, where have you been?

And why are you so flushed?

Just a merger day rosacea.

It'll clear up when I
learn everybody's name.

You should never learn
your enemy's name.

All right, so how we gonna get rid of

Templeton, Daisy, Lydia, Terry,

Kwame, Steph, Glen,
Joy, Lee, the other Lee,

and what's-his-face with the ponytail.

Right. Convince 'em
the precinct is haunted.

You have old friends, we
could dress them in nightgowns,

have them wander around like ghosts.

Matt! It's Ponytail Matt.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

I've gotta pay for books, too?

That's not covered in
the $10 million tuition?

Hey, you gotta pitch on target, okay?

Your financial ruin is secondary.

I'm drownin' here, Frank.

I'm already delivering food
on weekends just to cover

club gymnastics.

Now I'm gonna have to widen
my delivery window to always.

[FRANK] Nothing is open
after 10:00 anyway except...

Hey!

- Okay.
- What the hell do you think you're doing?

Oh, I'm, uh, desk shopping, Frank,

'cause lead officer gets
first pick of the desks.

Lead officer. Of what?

Being the last guy still
quoting Andrew Dice Clay?

- Oh!
- Oh! Spot on.

Uh, I'm the senior officer, Frank.

I graduated before you.

Yeah, like nine days, I had shingles.

Oh, shingles was the reason.

Is that why you didn't
pass your physical?

- Was it shingles?
- Oh...

- Or was it Pringles?
- [DAISY LAUGHS]

Oh, you still had your baby fat.

And your teen fat and your adult fat.

All right, Grandpa, let's go.

I hooked my ankles
around the base of the chair

'cause I knew baby Frank would do this.

- Frank! Frank!
- [FRANK] Move it,

- you sack of frosting.
- Stop shaking Templeton.

And Templeton, stop
doing whatever you're doing.

Oh, farting in his chair?

Ugh.

[LAUGHS] Yes, that's
gonna stay in the fabric

because my man can throw some heat.

[FRANK GROANS]

Emily.

So, who's lead officer, me or Templeton?

I mean, it's not
really an official title.

The hell it's not.

It's everything. It's
who runs the precinct.

I'm in charge of the precinct.

Okay, yeah, but, like, really.

This is not over.

You guys have to figure
out a way to get along.

And if not for me, then for the animals.

Okay, you've used that a lot.

Because it works. Now, high five.

Thank you.

He farted in his hand.

[LAUGHS] Oh, hilarious.

[FRANK] Ugh!

Templeton thinks he's lead officer.

It's preposterous.

And that academy
photo was totally AI, right?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Well, that seemed pretty half-hearted.

You know, Daisy hypes up
everything that Templeton says.

So... step it up.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm
just a little distracted.

I left a message for Isabelle

'cause I'm pulling the trigger today,

so I'm just waiting on the response.

Just give me a compliment.

[STUTTERS] Just to see
if you're still in the game.

It could be about my
shoulders, doesn't have to be.

Yeah. Your, um...

They're usually on the tip of my tongue.

The one day I decided to pay
attention to you, you failed me.

[DISPATCH] All trucks,
report of an aggressive bear

near Jackson Gulch.

Yep. Truck 12 responding.

[DISPATCH] Be advised,
the bear is Mama Rose.

She has a huge internet following.

There may be media
attention on this one.

Truck 4 has got it.

Truck 12 clearly responded first. Dibs.

Dibs, shields, no backs.

- Frank, call infinity.
- I'm not doing that.

- Infinity!
- Damn it!

Hey, guys, remember what I
said about working together before?

Yeah, Mama Rose is the most
famous bear in the Cascades.

Can I get an "aye" from
everyone who had a great mom?

[TEMPLETON] That's a code violation.

He only knows I had a bad
mom because of bunk time

trust time at the academy.

[FRANK] No one cares
about your sad origin story.

[SHRED] Well, Shred is a big time "aye".

Because I love my mommy.

No, I'm senior lead officer.

I got the call.

Frank?

Frank.

My name is Templeton
Dudge, and I am drunk!

Not the 12th green. You son of a b*tch!

[NOTIFICATION ALERT]

Oh, can you read that?

Yup.

Parker says I want you to
do that thing with your thumb

that makes me sneeze.

I think this might be a
"your eyes only" kinda thing.

Can you send him a
picture of my ear hole?

But sh**t it really
tight so he's not sure

- what he's looking at.
- Ew... Oh, my God, he's typing.

Please don't be a photo.

Oh, he says dinner
tonight. That's sweet.

No, dinner must be code.

'Cause we do this thing
called breakfast where

he flips me like a pancake and
then he pours syrup down my...

Is it possible that

maybe he wants something
more than a provocative ear hole?

Like maybe he actually
wants to go on a date with you.

Eww. We're friends with benefits.

Actually...

I would say we're just
benefits. We're not really friends.

Oh, wa-wa-wa-wait.
This is it, pull over.

- Okay.
- We're there.

Wait. If you're gonna
use me for food deliveries,

- at least let me have a fry.
- No.

I need five stars.

[FRANK] All right, bear
it's time for your nap.

[BEAR GROWLS]

Hey, you! Where have you been?

Sorry, I don't typically explain myself

to random women in the woods.

We're the Mama Bears.

We're part of Rose's online following.

Why are you just standing
there? Diego's in the mineshaft.

Who's Diego?

Mama Rose's cub?!

If you guys wouldn't mind,
uh, take your wine caddies,

take a step back and we
can get to work. All right?

Blessed be the Lord my strength
which teacheth my hands to w*r,

my fingers to fight.

My goodness, my fortress.

[BEAR WHINES]

[DAISY] T-Bag's lead
officer, he gets the bear!

[FRANK] Back up, Templeton.

We don't want her
smelling your flop sweat.

Dang it!

Look who showed up late
because he responsibly

obeyed traffic laws.

Y'all missed me shootin' the big bear.

Let's roll, Shred.

Wait, what about the
cub in the mineshaft?

Cub in a mineshaft? Dibs!

Infinity!

And that's why I think I can be both

officer Shred Taylor's
supervisor and lover.

Oh, no. Don't say lover. Don't... um...

His-his special friend.

Hey, boss. Just checkin' in.

You aren't answering any of my texts.

No, I ju... I, uh, where...

Where's my phone?

It's on the floor.

Are you okay? You seem distracted.

Um, no, no, I just, I just
have a lot on my plate.

It-it's all professional
stuff but it's, it's a lot.

Okay... Channel Four
picked up on Mama Rose story

and it's blowin' up.

Oh, my God.

That's why you gotta
have your phone on you.

So, the bear...

Continuing our live
coverage of Mama Rose

and her beautiful baby cub, Diego.

If we're gonna fish the little guy out,

these catchpoles need to hold.

Yeah. It'll hold. I'm a knots guy.

I was an Eagle Scout before I
was dishonorably discharged.

Me and T went ice skating one time,

and he laced up my blade
so tight I couldn't get 'em off.

I went to bed wearing
ice skates that night.

Oh... well... Frank
took his cousin to prom.

His hot cousin.

Seriously? I did, like,
a hundred push-ups

- in front of you yesterday.
- [PHONE VIBRATES]

I'm sorry. I have to take this.

- It's Isabelle.
- Okay.

You know, I'd ask you to hang yourself,

but I know your knots don't hold.

My knot would've held
if you hadn't twisted it

- when you picked it up.
- You have to twist it so you can scoop.

- You have to be able to scoop.
- No, you don't, dumbass.

- Nuh-uh. Scoop, no twist.
- You just pick it up.

How the hell are you gonna
pick up a bear without scoopin' it?

Guess who just had a pretty awkward,

profanity-laden, but
ultimately successful

conversation with his now ex-girlfriend?

Was Isabelle really upset?

Well, she said she was
gonna clone my visa

and buy a sprinter van, but...

- I think she's just processing.
- [EMILY] Uh-huh.

Did you talk to your boss yet?

I'm trying, but I can't
get a hold of him.

I've left, like, 10
messages with his assistant.

[FRANK] Shred! Wake Mama
Rose and point her toward Templeton.

Wait, wait, was that
Frank? What's happening?

It's just bear stuff.

We could probably use
some backup, actually.

Yeah, aren't Victoria and Patel there?

Imogen Poots! I forgot
to call them. Um...

Don't let Frank m*rder Templeton.

- Okay. Goodbye, and I can't...
- [CALL ENDS]

Oh.

This is the mother lode, Victoria.

Twenty-two pizzas. Four dozen wings.

Well on my way to covering
that first tuition payment.

You better hope that Emily
doesn't find out about this.

Oh, please. She's in the
weeds with this merger.

You might even be able to
get out early for your big date.

We don't date, that's gross.

We just have sex in abandoned malls.

[EMILY] Truck eight, please respond.

Guys, this bear situation
is about to go from

local human interest to national crisis,

and Frank and Templeton are
just on TV having a peepee contest.

[FRANK] This is my call, you freak.

[TEMPLETON] Then why
am I waving to the camera?

We can be there in, uh,



[EMILY] Oh, okay. That's so fun.

Or you could be there in 10 minutes

'cause I can see your location.

- On our way.
- [EMILY] Yup.

Frat boys won't like this.

Bro, Trev, Cray-Cray. Be there soon.

No cap. Send.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Ugh. Media wants me to do an interview.

Time to put on the
cape and play superhero.

Uh... pump the brakes, cupcake.

Lead officer handles public relations.

Makeover montage me.

Honey, we're gonna
run into palette issues

if you dip into my bag.

Come on.

Pick that up.

And that is how you trick a
vain jackass like Templeton.

Grab my harness, the one
that makes my butt look good.

So, no matter what happens
we're just gonna keep sh**ting.

Hello, I heard you're
looking for a sound bite.

Ask away, nothing is off-limits.

Except no... no mom...

No mom questions.

Uh. [WHEEZES]

We didn't ask for a sound bite. Did...

Oh, my God.

The guy with the k*ller
butt is going in the mine.

Deceiving a senior officer's
a fireable offense, Shaw!

I can't hear you over
my thrilling heroics.

Onlookers are growing
concerned by the amount of time

the bear cub has
been stuck in the shaft.

[BEAR CUB WHINES]

Oh. Hey, kiddo.

Adorable.

Hard to believe, in about eight months,

you'll be big enough to k*ll us all.

Don't drop him, Frank.

First of all, I'm fine.

And I got the bear. You lose.

h*-h*-h*-h*-h*!

I... I should've gone down
'cause he's struggling.

Are those my pizzas?

You know, I forget.

I tend to get fuzzy spells
ever since the emu incident.

You're messing with
my star rating, woman.

The pledges are gonna crucify me!

All right, kiddo.

Let's get you back to your
incredibly terrifying mother.

Shred! Hoist me up with the cutest thing

you've ever seen.

[FRANK GROANS]

Mama Bear's waking up, Frank.

Hand me the cub. Come on.

Oh, and let you win?

In front of Tracey
Palladino and the nation?

Forever changing the power
dynamic at the precinct?

I'd rather die and I'll
bring this bear with me.

Watch your words, partner.
Tracey's got a boom mic.

Hey, guys. So, these very unhinged women

are half a glass of chardonnay
from diving headfirst

into the mineshaft
themselves. We gotta go.

Shred, give me a bottle
of whiskey and a hacksaw.

I'm gonna cut my foot off.

[CUB WHINES]

[CUB CHITTERING]

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Come on.

[PALLADINO] It's been over 20 minutes

since we last heard
Diego's cries for help and...

Wait. Something's happening.

- [GROUP CHEERS]
- [DAISY] Yeah!

[DAISY] T-Bag! T-Bag! T-Bag! T-Bag!

[EMILY] We did it!

We did it!

Officer Templeton Dudge.

You holding that bear aloft

is an image forever
burned in our memory.

Uh, it's actually senior lead officer.

Um... just a day's work, right?

Gotta thank my team. I'd
like to give a shout out to...

particularly to one cadet,
Frank "never miss a meal" Shaw.

There he is.

- Back to you, T.J.
- [GROUP LAUGHING]

Son of a b*tch. My
dad watches Palladino.

Everybody watches Palladino.

Templeton, you've unlocked a new
level of hatred I didn't know existed.

Oh, there's a lot more where
that came from, Mr. Pringles.

Frank, thank you for putting
your feelings about Templeton

- aside for the day.
- I didn't.

Still, you worked well together.

- We didn't.
- Well, regardless.

- I'm feeling optimistic.
- You shouldn't.

Okay.

It's happening.

What?

I'm Zooming with my boss right now.

Okay.

What? This school
offers language courses

I've never even heard of.

Tagalog. Isn't that a cookie?

This is why I don't want kids.

Well, you're gonna have
'em, and a husband and a life

full of regrets and missed fun.

In fact, I think it
should start right now.

Hi, Parker. Dinner sounds great.

See you tonight. No cap.

You can't text stuff like
that on a co-worker's phone!

- Get him, Victoria.
- It's perverse.

Oh, come on. You really like the guy.

- I'm doing you a favor.
- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

- Let's take a look.
- He hearted it. He hearted it.

- That's good!
- I hate you.

- But Parker loves you.
- Mm-hmm.

And you're probably gonna love Parker.

- And this...
- No.

Is the beginning of the end.

- Welcome to hell, sister.
- Yep.

[ZOOM CALL RINGS]

Hi, Thomas.

Emily, let's just jump right in.

With the merger, there
are a lot of eyes on you.

That's why I'm gonna need
your laser focus on this.

- Mm-hmm.
- Um, I am very much hoping

that I chose the right
person for the job.

Oh, you definitely did.
I mean, leadership is...

so important to me, sir.

There are a lot of people
who wanted your title,

especially Officer Dudge.

Templeton?

He expressed a myriad
of antiquated claims.

Too young.

Too rattle-brained.

Too female.

But I have complete faith
in your professionalism.

So, what is it you wanted
to discuss with me today?

Well, um...

Hey. How'd it go?

He said no?

Not exactly. I... I didn't ask.

Oh, um...

Why not?

I'm really sorry, I'm just under

a lot of scrutiny right
now, and I feel like I was

dropping the ball a lot today
because I was distracted.

Yeah, okay.

So I th...

thought maybe that we
could just put things on hold

for a couple months.

Just until I get the merger figured out.

Oh.

Um... yeah. Yeah.

It's the last thing I wanna do.

I just, I don't really
know what else to do.

Yeah, I don't, I don't really know

what else to do either, so...

I feel like I'm ruining
everything right now.

Oh, no, you're not ruining stuff.

It's... it's cool.

We've waited this long.

Yeah, it's like two months,
so it's not a big deal.

Well, um...

I am really sorry.

Yeah, me too.

I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay, yeah. I'll see you tomorrow.

See ya.

As, uh, senior officer,
Frank, I'm claiming this desk.

Nope.

I hate to pick sides, but I checked

the employment records,
and he does have you beat

by nine days, Frank. Sorry.

All right. Fine.

Frank, you lost the battle,
but you're gonna win the w*r.

Patel.

- Sorry, partner.
- No!

Now I have to sit across from Dumbleton.

I guess I'll sit at the wobbly
desk by the bathroom.

[LAUGHS]