Magic Kid (1993)

[bunniefuu]

[ Voice of a Young Boy ]
There comes a time in a boy's

life where he must choose to
follow life's path to manhood.

Stepping away from all
that is safe and known.

Relying only on instinct,
and what small

stones of knowledge he has
gathered from his youth.

A choice, that if made too
early could be deadly

and if made too late,
could be gone forever.

This journey is known in all
religions as the coming of age,

communion, bar mitzvah,
and the like.

It is also known in athletics
as the breaking point

from which one is no longer
satisfied with just participation,

but must leap into
the realm of excellence.

I was about to make this
journey at eleven years

of age, having no concept
of my true path.

But only that I
just journey upon it.

For me this journey came at
the Michigan State Marshal Arts

Championships in my home
town of Kalamazoo.

[ Applause ]

Welcome to the Fifteenth
Annual Michigan

State Marshal Arts
Championships.

Each and everyone of you is
to test your marshal skills.

Today we have no losers.

Everyone walks away a winner.

But only one of you...
emerges a champion.

Pay your respects.

[ Applause ]

In this great tournament
of skill and strength,

both both physically
and mentally.

There could only be
one champion.

And with ninja two as my sport,
teacher, and religion,

this would be my coming of
age, my breaking point,

in which all things before
could only begin

to prepare for what lie ahead.

I watched the little kids
stumble through their skills.

My turn would come.

My parents sat out there with
a mixture of pride and fear.

- Oh, they're so cute.
- They're too little to be fighting.

Kevin was that age
when he started.

Yeah, when you pushed
him into it.

It was better than beating
up his sister, don't you think?

My sister helped warm me up.

But she was more interested
in getting herself warmed up.

Hey, Randy. I'll be there
in a second, okay?

Come on. Ouch!

- What did you do that for?
- Pay attention.

Fine. Come on.

[ Applause ]

[ Applause ]

[ Applause ]

With the challenge down to
two and head gears removed,

I stepped once more on to
the mat that had so often been

a body, mind, and spirit like
a perfectly tuned machine.

I took the reins of
life in my hands,

prepared to ride the beast
through all obstacles ahead

and all trials and tribulations
that stood in my path.

This is where my journey begins.
Go!

[ Crowd Cheers ]

Go to your corner.
Come here.

[ Applause ]

Michigan State Junior Champion.
Kevin Ryan.

Congratulations, Kevin.

You're the youngest
junior champ we've ever had.

- I'm very proud of you.
- Thanks, Sensei.

Megan tells me you two
are going to California.

Yeah. And I'm going to meet
Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

My uncle a close personal
friend of his.

So we're going to see
him at the studio.

That's great, man.
So when you guys leaving?

Tomorrow morning.

Arriving at gate 25a
untied flight 629 from Toledo.

Your mother and I are really
going to miss you two.

Me too, Dad.

Now Megan, you've got
that money I gave you?

Right here.

- Keep an eye on your little brother.
- I will.

- Hey, got the tickets?
- Right here.

Megan, you know Los Angeles

is a little defferent
than Kalamazoo.

- Thank God.
- What I'm trying to say is

that you might have to
be more careful out there.

- Are you talking about condoms?
- Jesus, Megan!

- I am not talking about condoms!
- Will you calm down.

Sorry.

Now boarding at gate 19 midwest
flight 190 to Los Angeles.

- Love you. Be good.
- Bye.

Bye.

Parents with young children,
children flying alone and those

requiring assistance
may now board at this time.

You know, we need
this time together.

We haven't had a vacation,
just the two of us,

- in sixteen years.
- I know...

- But your brother?
- Don't worry about him.

I just wish we could be sure.

He promised me he's
turned over a new leaf.

Face is he's said he's become
something of a health food nut.

Umm...

Come on, Lou.

Listen up, alright.
It's my anniversary.

Last year's anniversary I won
over twenty five grand.

Last year you were able to pay.

You haven't booked a movie
now in over two years.

You know, you're the only bookie
I know that reads variety

and besides for your
information I can pay.

Come on, be a pal.
Put five grand on blind fury.

Now if you lost I collect. Today.

I'm not going to lost and
besides I got it covered.

I got a sure thing on
the Raiders later today.

- You bet on the Raiders?
- Yeah, they're going to

kick Miami's a*s. I know,
I can feel it.

Miami's ahead by twenty
points an hour ago. Schumck!

What are you talking about?
What time is it.

Oh, God.

Anita.

I can't believe he
forgot about us.

I'm sure he didn't
forget about us.

I mean he's probably
closing some big deal.

Sure.

Sweetheart, what a
wonderful anniversary party.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you,

I just want to see the
last couple of the game, Anita.

Sweetheart, the game's over.

Oh, dear God.
Please tell me Raiders won.

- Honey, the Raiders got creamed.
- I'm a dead man.

Oh, sweetheart, don't worry.

There's another game next
week and I'll buy you dinner.

Anita, I'm not talking
about dinner.

I just lose ten thousand dollars.

- I didn't know you had ten grand.
- That's the problem.

- I don't.
- Oh, gosh, you need a drink.

Gosh, I need a b*llet proof
vest, is what I need.

You aslo need to pick,
you should have picked up

your niece and nephew
thirty minutes ago.

Oh, God.

- Oh, my God.
- Well what, what airline are they on?

Well, what, what flight?
Doesn't matter, Anita.

They landed two hours ago.

Well, then what do
they look like.

Come on, one's a girl,
one's a boy, alright?

Oh well, now that makes
everything crystal clear.

Anita.

Now where are we going.

I'm looking for the lost
niece and nephew section.

- This is too confusing.
- Maybe they missed their flight. I hope.

Well, I'm going to go back
to the gate and check again.

Okay. I'm going to go
get a drink.

Okay. Come on.
Let's just get a cab.

I'm sick of waiting here.
I know the address.

Do you know how
much a cab cost?

I don't care.

- Hey, kids. How are you?
- Hi, Uncle Bob.

- Welcome to the airport.
- Where have you been?

We have been waiting here
for over two hours.

Well, you're kidding.

It must be the time zone
difference or something.

You kids hungry or something?
Would you like a piece of celery?

- No, no thanks.
- Anita, look who I found.

Well, lucky you. Hi, I'm Anita.

You must be Megan.
And you must be Kevin.

It's very nice to
meet you, finally.

- Okay, well, let's go, guys.
- Let's go.

Wow, is this your house, Uncle Bob?

Uh... it's the summer house.
The summer house.

- Well, how come it's for sale?
- Because he's broke, honey.

The plumbing broke.
The plumbing is broken.

- This is a great place.
- Let's take a jacuzzi?

- What's a jacuzzi?
- Well, sweetheart,

it's like a lobster pot
without the lobsters.

Do you really know Don Wilson?
I mean do you know know him?

Do I know Don Wilson?
Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

- Well, we go, we go way back.
- He's my hero.

A lot of the Martial Arts stars
don't practice what they preach.

But the Dragon's for real.

I mean meeting him's
going to be well...

It's going to be a
dream come true.

Well, you know what I'm glad
I can help arrange it for you.

- Because it makes me happy.
- And meeting Tommy Hart.

I mean everybody at
home doesn't believe me.

- I mean you sure you know him?
- Do I know, know Tommy Hart.

Anita, tell them,
do I know Tommy Hart?

- Do you?
- She's joking. Your a joker...

She's a comedian actress.
She falls down a lot.

- I'm getting kind of hot.
- Yeah, me too.

You guy's are hot?
Well, why don't you go

on up to the house and
I'll be up in a second.

Okay.

- Nice kids.
- Yeah, I think the little girl looks like me.

I call on the Dragon
for help and strength.

I request your presence
in a just cause.

Wow!

So what is this ninja
stuff all about anyway?

Well, it's about honor, integrity
and doing the right thing.

Never work in Hollywood.
Alright, so it's about honor

and integrity, and doing
the right thing.

So when does the, the you know,
the kick a*s stuff come in?

There's a lot more
to it than that.

The Dragon says that a real
ninja, not a cartoon ninja,

can go into any room and using
the objects in that room

decide on ten possible
ways to k*ll his opponent.

Wow!

So you believe in this ninja
philosophy. And you use it,

I mean like, where ever you go.

Like even in the
bathroom and stuff.

Yes.

So you could possibly
maim somebody with

a toothbrush or like k*ll
them with toilet paper?

- Well, of course.
- You mean to tell me

that you can think of ten
ways right here, right now,

on this balcony,
that you could k*ll me.

Not really.

Actually I can only think of eight.

Eight.

- Hey. Is he okay.
- yeah, he does it all the time.

Thanks for letting us
come, Uncle Bob.

Hey, look,
I wanted you to come.

I mean I really like you two.
As a matter of fact,

your my favorite niece
and nephew.

We're your only
niece and nephew.

You're kidding?
Well, then you really are

my favorite niece
and nephew then.

- Mom says you don't like kids.
- You know, your mother is very,

your mother is...
Nice, but she probably says

that because I don't
have any children.

- She says you're probably sterile.
- Do you know what sterile means?

- It means you can't have sex.
- No, it doesn't.

- It does too.
- No, it doesn't.

- It means you can't conceive.
- So you can have sex.

Of course, I can have sex.
I have sex all the time.

- Just ask Anita.
- But you're not married to Anita.

I gave her a ring once.
I wanted to surprise her,

so I hid it in her popcorn
at the movie theaters.

It was good thing the guy next
to us know the Hemlich Maneuver.

Well, what does conceive
mean, Uncle Bob?

Uh... Well... it's a you know,

when like a man and a lady
and they like each other

and those squiggy thing
swim upstream.

Kind of like... fish. And... uh.

Megan is going to explain
the rest to you later, okay.

You guys have a real good
nights sleep, alright.

- Good night.
- Good night, Uncle Bob.

Good night.

It's cold.

Uncle Bob's a pretty
nice guy, don't you think?

- He hates us.
- Why?

I guess that's what happens

when you can't
have sex anymore.

Wow.

- Uncle Bob.
- The money!

I brought your coffee.

Coffee, you drink it right.

Oh.

Thanks.

Oh... oh.

Can I ask you something?

Why not, we're related.

Why do you drink so much?

Well, I don't actually drink
that much it just

appears that way.
I don't swallow.

- Why do you ask?
- I was just curious.

Curiosity k*lled the cat.

It makes me feel good.

Well, if it makes you feel good,
why do you look so bad?

Are you trying to lift my spirits?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't go downstairs and
make yourself some breakfast

and then I'm going to come
downstairs and see what

you made yourself. It's kind
of like a game, alright.

I'll be right there.

- Well, breakfast is served.
- Thanks.

Now can I get you anything else?

- This is fine.
- No thanks.

- Well, good morning, sunshine.
- Good morning, dear.

Uncle Bob, look, we have
fruit for breakfast.

Anita, what, are we
out of coco puffs?

Anita's taking us
to the beach today.

- Yeah, we're discovering L.A.
- I've never been there before.

Well, me neither. I got close once
but there was too much water.

When are we going to meet
Don "The Dragon" Wilson?

- And Tommy Hart?
- Okay, it'll be appranged

by the time you get back
from the beach, alright.

Anita, I got to go and just
bring them by the office and...

do the business I needed to do.

So are you having a
good time, sweetheart.

- Good, good.
- Sure. I am.

So... what's up with
you and Uncle Bob.

[ Laughs ] Your Uncle Bob
and I have been sweet

on each other for
a long time but...

we don't live together because
you know we need our space.

- I know how that goes.
- [ Laughter ] Yeah.

- He's pretty rich, huh?
- Well, sweetheart, you Uncle Bob

has made a lot of money
but he has a problem.

He has this big heart...
and he's made some actors

into very big stars
but then they leave him.

So it breaks his heart
and hurts his pocketbook.

So that's why he
drinks and stuff.

Well, that's part of it.
It's a Hollywood thing.

Hey there, caught any fish yet?

No, but you should have
seen the one that got away.

Haven't I heard that
fish story before? I hope not.

Well, we're going to see you
in about twenty minutes.

- An hour.
- Okay.

- Alright.
- Hey, sweetcakes. - Baby.

- Come on, baby, have a little drink?
- No thanks.

- Come on, just a little drink.
- The lady said no.

How about you then, how about
you have a little drink with us?

How about a kiss you
hunk of burning love?

Sweetheart... maybe this
will improve you hearing.

Ah...

Let's get him!

Simmer down, be good,
give me my board.

Put it down, put it down.

Ohh...

He threw that big
suffer in the water.

That's my brother.

Ouch!

Oh...

Yes!

My God, what does he eat?

Hey boss,
can I ask you a question?

- Go ahead.
- Do you know where g*ons live in LA?

- I give up.
- Laguna.

- Ha... ha...
- Ha... ha...

You know, Jake, when
your IQ reaches double digits,

- I'm going to give you a raise.
- Promises?

- Definitely.
- You heard him.

Guido, I got a job for you.
Bob Ryan.

He lost ten thousand
on the Raiders.

- He bet the Raiders?
- Somebody's got to.

Now you're my sisters son.
I'm giving you your chance.

You'll be the chief collector
on this job. Impress me.

You won't be sorry, Uncle.

John, this is Bob. Yeah.
Hey, you know what?

I need ten thousand dollars.
Look, hey,

what gives you the right
to talk to me like that?

Who got you your first series?

How about seven
thousand dollars? Okay.

What about half? How about
five thousand dollars?

John... five thousand?

Five thousand a day
right you got it.

Five thousand just for meals.
Thanks for nothing, bye.

- Hi, kids.
- Hi.

- How was the beach?
- Pretty fun.

- Great, where's Anita?
- She's parking the car.

- Oh.
- You represent Kevin Costner?

I represent his cousin,
he's a big client.

Right on the verge of
breaking out, big.

You sure represent a
lot of clowns, Uncle Bob.

Well, they're really famous
people, you just can't

recognize the under all
the clown makeup.

Mom said you used
to be big time.

Used to be? Used to be?

Well, you know before your...

Before what?

Before your mother
started calling me a drunk?

She never used the word drunk.

No, alcoholic was the
word she used.

Well, your mother always
had a great way with words.

I'll have you know that
represent only

the top clients in Hollywood.

Just the cream de la cream, the top.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, man, I forgot
the address for that gig.

The audition at Universal right?

The big picture the big
Schwarzenegger picture.

No, I'm in the Jablonski
birthday party in Oxnard.

No, I don't think so.
I think you made a mistake.

Here.
Don't make another mistake.

Here's the address it's
Universal right next to the big tour.

I don't know, do you think

Uncle Bob really
knows the Dragon?

Has the Dragon done any
birthday parties lately?

- What are you talking about?
- Forget about it.

- We'll find out after lunch.
- What happens after lunch?

We're going to the studios.

[ Screaming ]

Ahh...

- MAN: Cut.
- You okay?

Everybody okay?
Can we try this again?

Yeah, Don, we'll do it
right after lunch.

Look, guys, a movie lot.
It's a set, a Hollywood set.

Everything fake.
Now you guys stay right here,

I'll arrance everything, alright.

Hey, Bob, I didn't know they
were using clowns in this movie.

Come on, give me a break, alright.

- Hey, Billy.
- What are you doing here?

Hi, I'm fine, how are you?
Good morning.

- I'm here to see Don.
- Absolutely not.

He's in his trailer resting.
This is a closed set.

- You're not wanted here.
- Come on,

I just need five minutes.
It's for my niece and nephew.

They're from back east, alright.

I made them a promise.
Don't make me break my promise.

It's a closed set.

Did Don tell you who
gave him his first start?

Bob, you got him two lines
on general hospital. Big deal.

It was a big deal for him.
He was a kickboxer.

He couldn't get
arrested as an actor.

And he said that he would
return the favor at anytime.

And now's the time, okay.
I need the favor.

- It's a closed set.
- Thanks, you're a pal, Billy.

Where are they sh**ting
that Tommy Hart picture?

Stage twelve. Bob...

- Yeah.
- They won't let you in there either.

- Well...
- He can't see me?

No, no. It's not that.
He's just busy right now.

He's taking his ninja power nap.
We'll come back later, alright.

- What about Tommy?
- Tommy stage twelve western set.

- Plays a cowboy.
- Ha... ha...

Let's go.

[ Bang bang ]

Ahh...

DIRECTOR: Cut... come on,
guys, let's it again.

You can die better than that.

Isn't he great.

And action.

- Hi, Max.
- Ah...

- Client, looks real good.
- Yeah.

Ahh...

He's so cool.

Look, I wouldn't ask you
to do this for me, but,

it's for my brothers kids.

Ahh...

Cut it. Print it.

- Now that's dying.
- That was great, man, great job.

Tommy, Tommy,
remember Bob Ryan?

- Huh?
- Yeah, the guy we play tennis with.

- How are you doing?
- Hi, buddy, how are you?

Yeah, yeah. And this
is his nephew Kevin.

- Hi, how you doing, man?
- I enjoyed your scene.

- Thanks a lot.
- Yeah, yeah. very good.

- And Megan.
- Hi, how are you doing, Megan?

Can I get an autograped
picture of me?

I mean can I get an
autographed picture of myself,

- yourself for me?
- Sure,

I don't have any
right now, but, umm...

All of us are getting together
at Vertigo's on friday,

- if your interested.
- I don't think we can make that.

We are going to watch the
reruns of Perry Mason remember.

- I'll be there.
- Cool.

- Nice shoes.
- Oh, thanks,

- I bought them myself.
- Alright.

I got to get going, guys.
Nice meet you all.

- It was really nice, bye.
- Bye, Tommy.

- I'd say she was excited.
- Yeah. Cute kids.

Yeah. What is this
Tommy guy like?

Oh, he's great.
He's and up and coming star.

Because I really wasn't
sure whether

- I should let her go or not.
- Oh, don't worry.

Kids these days know what to do.

- Should I have her bring anything?
- I don't know.

An overnight bag would be good.

Megan!

Yeah, Frankie, hi.
You remember that time

I got you that job and
you hadn't worked in a while

and I said hey don't worry,
you can pay me the commission

when you have it,
when things are better.

I was wondering are things
better, because you know...

- It would be nice if I could get.
- Uncle Bob.

Umm... three pictures,
lots of money.

Yeah, we'll work out
the fine details later,

yeah, okay, bye. Yeah?

- I had a really good time today.
- Really?

- That's great, I'm so happy.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.

That's okay, I'm used to it.

Kevin. I know
you're disappointed,

because you didn't meet
Don Wilson today. But...

I promise you, you're
gonna get to meet him.

And when Uncle Bob promises,

it's... almost as good as
happening, sometimes.

Sure, Uncle Bob.

I love the smell of
money in the morning.

This is a great idea.

Collecting the money
before they even get up.

Alright, fellows, we're going
to make this nice and clean.

We're going to get in,
get the fifteen g notes,

- we're out of here.
- I thought it was ten?

Five for me, you baffoon.
Let's go.

[ Knocks ]

[ Knocks ]

- Yes?
- Hey, kid.

Nice place, huh? Who are you?

Kevin. I'm Bob's nephew.

- Is he here?
- No, he's sleeping.

I'll wake him up
if you want me...

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

We'll take care of it.

What's going on?

Umm... nothing that
concerns, you kid.

Are you planning to
hurt my uncle?

Well, you see that's
kind of up to him.

- Then it does concern me.
- Listen I bought cookies okay.

- I'm not selling cookies.
- Licorice, diet tabs,

listen, do me favor.
Cut the grass will you.

Ohh...

For gosh sakes
he's a kid. Get him!

Surprise!

Yaaa!

Hey, easy, easy kind, come on...

I'm from the sixties.
Relax, it's alright.

Have a nice trip.

- Have a nice flight.
- [ Breaking Glass ]

Ahh!

- Ugh!
- You okay, boss?

- He's on the roof.
- Yeah.

- Go get him.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I can't swim, Vinnie,
I can't swim.

Here take this... and this.

What happened to you guys?
I'll tell you something.

You're both worthless.
Worthless piece of dog meat.

We'll be back, you little squirt.
And you fat man,

you're dead.

Who were those guys?

I forgot to tip them last
time they delivered a pizza.

In Los Angeles they get real
pissed off at that kind of stuff.

Let's get your sister
and get the hell out of here.

Did you hear him
call me fat boy?

Megan!

MEGAN: Where are we going?

We have to move out temporarily.
They're going to spray for bugs.

- MEGAN: For how long?
- It depends on how big the bugs are.

- Wait, I forgot something.
- It's time to get in the car, sweetheart.

- Why do I have to sit in the back?
- Because he knows karate.

Why are these guys
chasing us, Uncle Bob?

I don't know.

Maybe they mistook me
for somebody else.

- You said they delievered pizza.
- Well, sort of.

- I kind of owe, then money.
- How much?

- Ten thousand dollars.
- Expensive pizza.

- Gambling, isn't it?
- I bet the Raiders.

- You bet the Raiders?
- What did your mom say

I had a gambling problem
or something?

- No.
- She just said you were a loser.

Great, your mother's got
a wonderful vocabulary.

I'm sorry for getting you guys
into this mess and everything.

I'm going to go over to
my friends house

and try to get this
straightened out.

But if I can't I'm going
to have to put

you guys back on
a plane to Michigan.

- It's getting too dangerous.
- I'm not going home

until I have my date
with Tommy Hart.

- And meeting the Dragon.
- I'm glad to see you guys

have your prioritites in order.
I'm talking violence here.

I'm a ninja. I can get you
out of this mess, Uncle Bob.

You're a ninja, you can
get us out of this mess.

Well, I'm an agent and...

I don't know what
the hell I'm doing.

Hi, Uncle Tony.

I take it this means you
didn't get my money.

I'm sorry.

- Bob did this to you.
- No, well, not exactly...

not by himself.

You see he had a band
of gypsies with him.

- Gypsies?
- Well, not exactly gypsies,

but they were dressed like gypsies.

I think they were
professional wrestlers.

Bob has hired
professional bodyguards.

This doesn't make sense.
If he has money

to hire bodyguards,
he was money to pay me.

Well, Uncle. He's an agent
maybe their his clients.

Maybe, yeah, clowns
professional wrestlers, could be.

Now you go back
and get my money.

- Yes, sir.
- Guido.

- Yes, sir?
- Impress me.

No mistakes this time,
Uncle Tony. No mistakes.

Uncle, technically this
is not a mistake.

I'm hungry. Can we
get something to eat?

- I want pizza.
- Pizza alright,

there's a great place
at Vine and Melrose.

- No way, I want to go to Spago's.
- How do you know about Spago's.

That's where all
of the celebs eat.

I've been reading about
it in all of the magazines.

I mean your an agent. You
should know about all of that.

I know all about Spago's.
We're not going to Spago's, okay.

They don't give out doggie bags.

I want to go to a fun place
like Disneyland or Univeral Tour.

Alright, alright.
But first we're going to eat.

How's your shrimp louie?

It's just shrimp and lettuce.
What's the big deal?

Why can't we go someplace
where they have pizza.

Come on, come on.
You got a nice healthy lunch here.

You got a baked potato,
a piece of fish...

those green and yellow
circle things. It's like ninja food.

It's going to make you
strong like bull.

God, what did we do
break something?

Four, five, five hundred
bucks right there.

Here's my five hundred
Angel will hold the money.

- She looks trust worthy to me.
- I'll break.

Uncle Bob, what are
we doing here?

It's kind of like going
to an atm machine.

I need some fast cash.
I'm pretty good at pool, okay.

Go eat your pizza.

- Uncle Bob.
- What?

I'm going to be at
the video games.

Okay, great, great.

# That's money honey
don't you look at me funny #

# Keep a paycheck coming in
and your life will be sunny #

# Be a doctor, a lawyer
a butcher or a baker #

# Even a bum on the street
would rather be a money maker #

# Go to work #

# Go to work #

# Go to work #

# Go to work #

# Go to work #

# Go to work #

- You got a nice butt.
- Thanks I've been working out.

I was talking to her, you idiot.

Gee, that raised my self
esteem up a notch.

- I speak my mind.
- Obviously a man of few word.

Uncle Bob. Can I have a few
quarters for the video game.

Sure.

Hey, blondie, why don't you
bend over and make this shot.

No, no. She can't bend over.
She's got a bad back.

- Doughboy, just make the shot.
- Doughboy, Doughboy?

Come on, didn't you're mother
ever teach you any respect?

- Sorry, Mr. Doughboy.
- [ Laughter ]

He drops the eight ball, it's
a two thousand dollar shot.

Boy, I hate bank shots.

Kevin, you want to give me a
break here? You're a tad close.

You've got to relax, Uncle Bob.

I've got two thousand dollars
riding on this one shot.

- Oh, God.
- Like a ninja.

You've got to think
you've got to be the ball.

What?

Don't think of it as
something out there.

But think of it as something
inside you or a part of you.

You've got to be the ball.
Be the ball.

Be gone, be gone.

Be the ball. I am the ball.
I am the ball, I am the ball.

I am the ball.

I am the ball, I am the ball,
I am the ball, I am the ball.

- I'm the cue.
- Ahh.

Come on, come on, come on.

Megan!

Yaaa!

Ha!

- Ahh!
- [ Breaking Glass ]

[ Breaking Glass ]

Hey, you alright?

[ Breaking Glass ]

Great, thanks, Angel.
Hey, listen, you know,

whoever your beautician is,
don't give the number

to my niece, alright.

- Why can't we go home and sleep?
- Because those though guys

are still watching the house.
Just consider it a sleep out.

I don't want to sleep on the beach.

Come on, Megan, think of
it as an adventures. Okay.

I've had enough adventure for
one day thank you very much.

I'm having a great time, Uncle Bob.

See, can't you be more
like your brother.

Hey, I've got too have
my own sleeping bag.

I only have two.

Well, I'm not sleeping
with my brother.

I mean that's ill*gal,
as least it is in Michigan.

- It is, it is.
- What an I supposed to do?

Burrow myself in to a sand
dune to keep myself warm.

You guys drive a hard bargain.

Thanks for sticking up for
me back there, Uncle Bob.

- I hardly did anything.
- No kidding.

I mean at least you tired.

You know, what comment
hurt me the most?

When that guy called
you Doughboy?

No, that too, though.

It's when your mom
said that I hated kids.

You know, I know you guys
think that the only reason

you came down here
is that your mom

and dad needed to
get away and...

I was the only one available
to take care of you.

- Well, that's simply not true.
- It isn't?

Well, that too. But I really
wanted you to come down.

Did you know that I save
every picture that

you dad sends to me of you guys?

I mean you winning these
Martial Arts Tournaments

and you breaking all
all these young guys hearts.

Both of you just
growing up too fast.

I save every single one.
I really enjoy them.

I really do.

We're family, Uncle Bob.

I mean we should take
care of each other.

Yeah, and if you can't help your
family who can you help, right?

Megan and I have seen
talking about it and

we decided we want you to
have the money Dad gave us.

Come on, absolutely not,
just forget about it.

I mean it's not ten thousand
dollars or anything.

But with the money
from the pool game,

- at least it's a start.
- Out of the question.

Look, I've been in jams before.
I can get out of this one.

Don't even think about that.

Come on, come on, guys,
let's go to sleep.

Bathroom check. You? You?

- No.
- No.

Yes.

You guys have a good
night sleep, alright.

Okay, good night.

- Good night, Uncle Bob.
- I love you.

- We love you too.
- I love you too.

Yeah, Joseph. Just a little bit,

yeah, ten thousand by tonight.
Joseph, hello.

- Something wrong?
- Something wrong?

- Everything is wrong.
- You usually seem so in control.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll get you to meet Tommy
later on, alright.

- I'm seeing him tonight.
- No, you're not.

I'm fifteen, okay.
I know how to call a cab.

Look, Megan, let me
ask you something.

What do you possibly
see in this guy?

- He's cute.
- He's cute.

You want to go out with
him because he's cute?

- How about rich and famous too.
- Alright,

so he's cute, he's rich,
and he's famous.

Other than that he has
nothing else going for him,

he's a loser.

Alright, let's say you
go out with him, alright.

You do go out him, alright.

And you go to this
crowed restaurant.

- What are you going to do?
- Eat.

- And then?
- Talk.

What do you usually do
on your first dates?

Don't you even think about that.

Can I ask you something,
Uncle Bob?

Are you on medication?

Just a couple of aspirin
and a tad of Jack Daniels.

Nothing serious. Look... Megan.

I don't mean to hurt you.
It's just that

I'm not used to being
a parent, that's all.

I'm responsible for you.
And right now that's the most

important thing in the
world to me. I may not be right.

But I've got a pretty good
hunch of what not to do.

So far you seem to be an
expert on what we're not to do.

One thing we can't do is
hide on the beach all day.

- Hello, Anita.
- Bob, is that you?

- Yeah, yeah, it's me.
- Where are you?

I'm at a phone booth.
But that's not important.

- I need to ask you a big favor.
- What?

- Anita, are you alright?
- Well, I'm fine.

- Why do you ask?
- You sound different.

Look, can I stay at your
place for a few hours?

- Sure. I love you, Bobby.
- Anita, what's wrong.

- Nothing's wrong.
- Alright, alright.

Thanks a lot.
I really appreciate it.

Well, me too.

So listen. We're going
to stick around here

for a couple of hours
and then go over

to Blondie's for some tea.

Now where are we going?

First we've got to go
to Anita's office.

- I think she's in trouble.
- I can help you, Uncle.

Don't you think I know that?

Do you think I'd be going over
there if you weren't with me?

Oh, great, just what we need,
the Hollywood honor society.

Oh, boys, get off that car.

Says who, man?

# A dynamo got lightning
and thunder in my hands #

The one behind you.
The mean looking one.

# I'm a dynamo #

Where did he learn
to do that?

# Got lightning and
thunder in my hands #

The big one.

Yes!

God, he's good.

Hey, guys, you're taking
up two parking spaces.

Get out of here.

Nobody ever told you it was
ride to take up two spaces?

Later, homies.

Wait a second. Think they're
in the conference room.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go to her house
and get them.

You don't know nothing.
You see that's why I'm charge.

Yeah, you don't know nothing.
We're going to wait until

they don't expect it and then
we're going to surprise them.

- Great, I love surprises.
- [ Breaking Glass ]

[ Breaking Glass ]

Whoa! That brings a
whole new meaning

to the phrase reach out
and touch someone.

Hang it up, dear. Let's go.

Get him.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Bob, what are you doing?

Where are we going, we
should call the police.

Anita, shut up.
You need to get in you car

and get the hell out of here now.

- Megan, let's get in the car, okay.
- What took you so long?

I have been waiting here
for half an hour and

have been picked up on
by ten different people

which, two of them I didn't
even know if they were

- a man or a woman.
- It doesn't really matter.

It's Hollywood. They're kind
of interchangeable, okay.

- Where's Anita?
- She's already gone home.

Come on, I have a couple
of life and death errands

- to run, alright.
- I'm bored and I'm not getting

in this car unless you promise
we can do something fun.

Alright, I'll take you bowling.
It's two for one night at Hollywood.

- We can bowl in Kalamazoo.
- I want to go on the Universal Tour.

- Yeah.
- We can't go to Universal,

right, now alright,
it's out of the question.

I'm not getting in the car.

Alright, I have an idea,
let's go to Universal.

# How long has it been since
we had some time for us #

# Just a little time together
to do the things we love #

# Loosen up #

# Fire up your body engine
hear it start to roar #

# It's a Universal weekend
now you can roar #

[ Applause ]

- Well, how did you like it?
- Oh, it was awesome.

How about that King Kong?

I'd sure hate to have
to brush his teeth.

I'd hate to be his dentist.

I don't know, I thought
he was kind of cute.

Look. I'm glad you guys
had a good time,

but I've got to get you
back to Michigan, right away.

- We don't want to go now.
- It is too dangerous here.

- You've got to go.
- Maybe Mom and Dad could help you.

I mean, they could lend
you the ten thousand.

Yeah. You're mom
would really like that.

Look this is my problem, alright.
And I don't want to drag

you dad into it. It just
wouldn't be fair that's all.

I don't think you're doing the
right thing by letting this go.

I mean this is what I do.
Remember honor and integrity.

It's all part of the ninja dragon code.

Kevin, these guys don't care
about the ninja code,

the ninja philosophy, not
even the ninja costume, okay.

All they care about is crippling a
washed up agent named Bob Ryan.

Hey, they're not after me,
Kevin, because I know

the colonel's secret
eleven herbs and spices.

They want their money
and they want it now.

Come on, I lost the
bet fair an square.

- I guess I'm a big time loser.
- I don't think you're a loser, Uncle Bob.

Thanks for saying that, Kevin.

You're really a nice guy.
You know,

your heart is in the right place.

You're just a little mixed
up right now, that's all.

I've been mixed up since 1972.

- Face the problem straight on.
- I'd love to face the problem.

But did you see the
faces of those guys.

- They're really big guys.
- You don't have to fight them

by using your fists.
You've got the truth.

Yeah, have you ever tried
to stop a hard right

- punch with the truth?
- Give it a shot.

You've tried everything else.

Alright. I'll give it a shot.
and if the truth doesn't work

- I want you to remember one thing.
- What's that, Uncle Bob?

The number 911. Now eat your
pizza, okay, it's getting cold.

Boy, I sure hope we don't run
into guido and his th*gs.

- Uncle Bob, give the truth a chance.
- You're right, you know.

I'm going to go right up to Tony's
house and tell him the truth.

Good.

Now, you're sure
the truth doesn't hurt.

Because you know, I'm a
agent and I'm not used

to telling the truth.

- What do you want?
- I'm here to see your boss, okay?

- No costume.
- Come on, give me a break, alright.

- I just want to see Tony.
- Sorry no costume, that is my orders.

Where am I supposed
to get a costume now.

- In the costume room.
- Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Uncle Bob, don't you feel
like a fool dressed up

like a clown with
all these crazy people?

I get used to it. You do
what you have to do alright.

- I feel like an idiot.
- You look like an idiot.

- I wouldn't talk if I were you.
- Kids, kids.

Look, nobody knows who we
are. Just let's blend, alright.

Fine. I'm hungry. I'm going
to get something to eat.

Don't pig out. I need a drink.

Let's go over here it's free.

I'll have a Jack Daniels.
Make it a double.

- I'll just have a coke.
- Make his a double, too.

You can save it for later.

Uncle Bob, have you ever seen
one of Don Wilson'a movies?

Me? No, no.

Well, there are we things
me will not do okay.

He will never drink and he will
never walk away from a fight.

Well, I guess no one is going to
mistake me for Don Wilson then.

Boy, you are really into
this ninja stuff, aren't you?

- I am a ninja dragon, Uncle Bob.
- Well, Mister Ninja.

I hate to break it to you.
This is not a movie this is real life.

I know that, but the dragon's real.

I'm glad for the dragon. Look,
Kevin, I did what you said.

I'm here.
I'm taking control of my life.

But I gotta tell you something.
I need this drink.

To the dragons.

Hi. Kind of cute for a pig.

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

- So you in the business?
- What business?

The industry.

No, I just came here with
my uncle Bob Ryan.

Oh, Bob Ryan. So where is he?

I don't know. Somewhere.
He's dressed like a clown.

- Who else do you know?
- Tommy Hart.

I get to meet him
tonight at Vertigo.

Cool. Excuse me for a second.

What do you think Tony
will do to you?

I'm not quite sure. I think it
has to do with broken bones

- and a lot of blood.
- I think you need my help.

Look, Kevin. You know,
you've helped me enough.

And I really appreciate
it but I'm a big boy.

I'm going to have to learn
to get by without your help.

It will all work out, Uncle Bob.

I'm sure it will one
way or the other.

- I'm just hoping for the other.
- Even if the truth does't set

you free at least you'll feel
a lot better about yourself.

- Wow, hey, I like that.
- It's from the ninja dragon code.

And the ninja don't drink, right?

I'm done with this.
I've got to go see Tony.

- How do I look?
- Good.

Okay.

MAN: Hey, there's that
clown Bob Ryan. Grab him!

- Hey.
- What are you supposed to

be a pregnant zebra?
Listen, you know

you're even stupider than you look.

I looked a lot smarter
without the wig.

Really? Listen, I need
the cash and I need it now.

Cough.
I'm here to see Tony.

You ain't going to see anybody
until I get the twenty grand.

- Twenty grand?
- Interest! Now shut up!

I need to make an
arrangement with Tony.

He wants to see Tony.
Here you want a Tony.

Here's your Tony stupid.
Now get out of here.

Send him to the basement.

Peace.

Uncle Bob, duck.

Wow. I'll get Megan.

Come on, get out of the way.

Get off my leg. You're like a dog.

I can't hit a little person
it won't be nice.

Ouch!

Now we got him trapped.

Nice shot, huh?

Get off of me.

- We've got to go now.
- I'm eating.

Whoa!

I hate that kid.

Come on. Put me down will you.

- Look!
- Up there.

- It's a bird.
- It's a plane.

Nah, it's a ninja.

I said three wise guys,
not three wise men.

You guys are pathetic.

Look, Uncle Tony.
I really could explain it.

Really?
Well, go ahead I'm all ears.

I'm curious, gypsies, professional
wrestlers, ninja's, clowns.

There were clowns,
there were clowns.

- And a m*dget too I suppose.
- Yeah, there was one of them.

Obviously we need a chance
of strategy here.

Get me the animal.

Now!

Two tickets to Kalamazoo.

Okay, that will be twelve
hundred sevently two dollars.

- There's got to be a mistake, right?
- No, sir, there's no mistake.

Without advance purchase,
I'm afraid that's correct.

That's the problem then.
See, I'm not making a purchase,

I'm making an exchange.
I already have my tickets.

Not until next week you don't.
Next!

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Let me ask you something.
These tickets are for 12A and


seats available, right now?

- Yes, sir, they are.
- Okay.

And the plane leaves
in thirty minutes?

- Yes, sir, it does.
- Then what is the problem?

There is no problem, sir.
If you come back next week

you'll have your seats.
Next!

Wait a second.

I need those tickets, okay.
I'm being chased by a bunch of

gangsters. They want to k*ll me,
my niece and my nephew.

Well, that's very interesting,
sir. If you come back next week

you'll have your seats.
Thank you.

Wait a second, don't say next.

- Do you take credit cards?
- Of course we do.

Put twenty five dollars
on that one. And, ahh...

Go as high as thirty
eight on that one.

That one's no good. No.

Two hundred and fifty on this one.

Get out of here.

And you can put the
balance on this one.

Make it snappy.

Here I got the tickets, this
one's yours. This one's yours.

- I don't want to go.
- I'm not going until I see Tommy.

Will you forget Tommy.
You got to get on the plane.

It leaves in thirty minutes.

It's dangerous I mean all the
good magazines will be gone.

All that will be left
is field and stream.

Great like I want to
be the first one on.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Does she usually talk to
your parents like that?

- No, just you.
- Great, I'm special.

Hey, look, I know your
disappointed about Don the Dragon.

But next time you come to visit

I promise you, you'll get to meet him.

Well, after Megan tells
my parents what happened

I don't think there's
going to be a next time.

Come on, don't say that.
You'll be back.

- I know it's just that...
- It's just what? What?

A ninja dragon is supposed
to be there for you.

I'm sure the Dragon
is there for you.

He's just there in spirit.
That's all.

Yeah.

You know, the flight
leaves in ten minutes.

What is taking her so long?

Well, she kind of has
a mind of her own.

Well, that may be good.
Yeah, but...

Oh, my God.
You don't think she...

Kevin, go on in and
check and see if your

- sisters in there, alright?
- Uncle, this is the women's room.

It's L.A. it doesn't matter go on.

Thanks, ninja buddy.

WOMAN: Hey! Where are
you going jump back scum!

It's okay, ladies, I was just
looking for a little girl, that's all.

Bad choices of words.

- Where is she?
- She's probably going to Vertigo.

Does she have enough
money for a cab.

Well, Dad gave her
five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars.
We're in trouble, you know.

- Hi, Tommy.
- Hey, Megan.

- How you doing?
- Pretty good.

Why don't you sit
down and join us?

Sure.

- Hi.
- Glad you could make it.

- Yeah, well, you know.
- Where you from?

- Michigan.
- Michigan. That's where I'm from.

- Where abouts?
- I'm from Kalamazoo.

Kalamazoo, I grew up in Canton.
You ever heard of it?

Yeah, sure, it's just
outside of Detroit.

I have some cousins who live there.

- That's where I got my first break?
- Really.

I took some acting classes
last year. I got straight A's.

- I never date actresses.
- Oh, well...

Actually, I hate acting.
Sometimes I don't even

go to movies becasue it
reminds me of acting.

But I always watch your
films. You're a great actor.

- You want to dance?
- Sure.

Okay.

Hey, Guido. She's here, man.

I told you she'd show up.
She's here with Tommy Hart.

- Who's that?
- Tommy Hart, the soap opera star.

I hate that dude, I hate him.
Okay, listen, listen.

Get the boys together.
Because we're going to have

a little rumble today, alright.
Let's go, let's go.

Hey, wake up the animal.

- Hey, Megan.
- What the hell is going on.

Oh, if it isn't the
Rhinestone Cowgirl.

- Ha ha ha!
- Megan!

Are you alright?

Come on, Guido, take it easy,
alright, man. I got your money.

You can have money,
a car, anything you want.

Just leave these kids alone.

Look, I got your money,
I got your money.

Tommy, are you okay?
I'm so sorry.

What the hell is going on.

Oh!

I hate kids.

Are you alright?

- Are you okay?
- The Dragon.

- Wow.
- What a floor show.

Don, I'm glad you got my
message. Thanks for coming.

Bob, I told you to call me
if you ever needed anything.

This is Hollywood, I didn't
think you really meant it.

Huh... this is great kid
you've got here.

Where you been hiding him?
I could really use someone like him.

What do you mean?
Like for your movies.

- Yeah.
- Well, I represent him.

I'm his agent.
He's my nephew Kevin Ryan.

- Don Wilson.
- I know.

Kevin, you're on.

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

No, listen, no scale plus
ten anymore. Forget it.

Alright, I'll take to
you in the am be patient.

I've got my own dressing
room with my own phone and TV.

- Great.
- Uncle Bob,

Don just taught me
this great move, watch.

Oh! It is great. I could feel

the wind kick up as you came
millimeters from my face.

- You guys having a good time?
- I'm having a great time.

This is the best vacation
ever, Uncle Bob.

That's great. I want you
guys to do me a big favor.

- What.
- Tell your mom.

Rolling, speed, action!