Man of the House (1995)

[bunniefuu]

Five years ago, my dad left.

He said he loved me and my mom,

but he needed his own space.

He took his secretary along with him.

He said he needed someone

to answer his phone calls.

He promised to come visit me

from time to time...

but he was never very good

at keeping promises.

My mom was really upset.

But I told her

we still had each other.

And I'd look after her

as long as I lived.

We decided to start all over again.

A whole new life.

So we moved into a small

loft apartment downtown.

It was pretty gross at first.

But my mom's real creative,

and she turned it into a home in no time.

She even created a kind of backyard garden

on the roof where I could play.

After a while,

she got over my father leaving.

I did too.

Eventually, she started dating again.

But they were all jerks.

And they never lasted long.

And eventually, we would

go back to the way things were.

Just the two of us.

I liked it that way.

We started making a collage

from things we found on the beach...

to take our minds off everything

that had happened.

We've been doing it now

for almost five years.

My mom says

we'll finish it someday.

Up top. Right there.

Yeah, that's it.

Then two weeks ago, the worst thing

in the world happened.

My mom told me she wanted

to get married again.

Just when we get our life

back together...

she has to go and do

something like this.

You'd think by now she would

have learned her lesson.

I don't care how old I get,

I'll never understand women.

The federal district court of the state

of Washington is now in session.

The defendant will rise.

Frances James Renda...

you have been found guilty

of the crime...

of trafficking in narcotics.

Do you have anything to say to this

court before sentence is passed?

Yes, Your Honor. I wanna thank

the prosecuting attorney...

for giving me a fair trial.

And I want him to know there are

no hard feelings in spite of the outcome.

And I also wish him a lot of luck

in his future endeavors.

Your Honor, Prosecuting Attorney

would like to know...

if the defendant's remarks

are in the nature of a threat.

The prosecuting attorney

has me all wrong, Your Honor.

I'm a harmless old man.

I don't make threats.

Well, that's good,

because for a moment there...

the prosecuting attorney

was really, really scared.

That'll do, Mr. Sturges.

- Thank you, Your Honor.

- Now, if you two gentlemen are finished...

I'd like to pronounce sentence.

Frances James Renda...

it is the judgment of this court that

you serve not less than 50 years...

in the federal correctional

institute at Sheridan, Oregon.

This court is adjourned.

- All rise.

- We'll appeal this. Don't worry.

- We'll appeal.

- We'll appeal, huh?

- Congratulations, buddy.

- Congratulations, Jack. You're the best.

That's one more piece

of garbage off the street.

Mr. Renda, this way, please.

Well, that's done.

We can go.

Hey, Sturges.

You think you're pretty tough,

don't you?

Well, let me tell you something,

Counselor.

You may be on top of the situation now,

but keep in mind...

things have a way of coming' around.

Know what I mean?

Well, Joey, if you're one of

those things that comes around...

I'm gonna step on you like a bug.

You know what I mean?

- Who was that guy?

- That's Frank's son Joey.

- He looks dangerous.

- I've dealt with a hundred of these guys.

They're just cheap hoods in expensive suits.

Let's get out of here.

We got more important things

to talk about.

I'm gonna get this guy.

I thought I'd bring my stuff over

around noon tomorrow. Is that okay?

Sure.

You have room for my big ball

of used dental floss or not?

Oh, I'm sure we'll find room for it.

Been saving it since

I was three years old.

Hate to separate from it.

It must be about 400 pounds now.

What? What'd you say

you were brining?

Nothing. I just wanted

to get your attention.

You've been distracted all day.

Is it the opening of your show

or is something else bothering you?

No. No, I guess I've just been thinking

about you moving in with me and Ben.

You're not having

second thoughts, are you?

No. I want you to move in.

It's Ben.

What? It's Ben?

Wait-Wait-Wait a minute.

Ben doesn't want me to move in?

No, I guess he's just not comfortable

with the idea yet.

Oh, well, if that's all

you're worried about, relax.

I knew Ben would have

those feelings.

So I went out and I got just about

every book I could find on step-parenting.

Practically an expert.

This is all about sex, isn't it?

- Please, Ben, I'm your mother!

- You don't have to pretend.

I already know women reach

their sexual peak in their thirties.

Where'd you pick up

that kind of stuff?

Donahue.

I'm getting rid of the television set.

- Hey, how about this?

- Oh, good one.

Anyway, it's not just about sex.

I think it'd be a good idea for you...

to have an adult male

around the house as a role model.

Well, what if he turns out to be like

Dad and splits with his secretary?

He's not like your dad.

Anyway, his secretary's

about 100 years old.

Yeah, but what if he

turns out to be a...

serial k*ller and tries

to boil our heads in acid?

- You're stretching, Benjamin.

- That could happen.

This is just a trial period. And Jack's

gonna keep his own apartment.

So if for some reason things don't work out,

he'll go back to his place.

And you and I will go back

to the way we were.

Okay?

Did you know he actually

irons his jeans?

Yes. And I'm sure you're gonna tell me

that makes him an ax m*rder*r.

Well, I don't know that for sure.

All I'm saying is that

a compulsion like that...

generally indicates a deeper psychosis.

I heard it on Geraldo.

Look, Ben.

I love Jack and I'd like

to have a husband again.

But you're the most

important man in my life.

And if it doesn't work for you,

it doesn't work for me.

Okay? Okay?

Yeah, okay.

But I still think he might try

and boil our heads in acid.

I knew it.

Let's see. Sturges. Sturges.

Not here.

Well, it doesn't mean

he's not a serial k*ller.

It just means they

haven't caught him yet.

Ben, can you give us a hand?

I've got a sore back. My doctor says

I shouldn't do any heavy lifting.

Well, perhaps you can do something light,

like make some room for Jack's things...

in the closet under the stairs.

But that's where we keep

all the stuff we collect on the beach.

Well, we can put it somewhere else

for the time being.

But it's important stuff.

It'll be fine if we

put it somewhere else.

Oh, that's okay. I don't need

to unpack all my stuff right now.

I can just hold this. It's more convenient

if I need to get anything.

No, it's no trouble.

Is it, Benjamin?

No.

It's no trouble.

Thanks, Benny. I appreciate it.

He's calling me Benny already.

I meant to tell you.

He hates to be called Benny.

No Benny? Thanks, Ben.

♪ Someone's in the kitchen

with Dinah ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen

I know ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen

with Dinah ♪

- Jack! Come on, Jack!

- ♪ Strumming on the old banjo ♪

- Are you gonna be in there all night?

- ♪ I'm singing fee, fi, fiddly-I-oh ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddly

I-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddly-I-oh

Strumming on the old banjo ♪

♪ Oh, Dinah, won't you blow

Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow

Ow! ♪

- What happened to the hot water?

- It's an old building, Jack.

Sometimes the water just cuts

right out. You never know.

Ben, I was showering.

I'm covered with soap.

Could I just come in?

What are you doing?

Ben locked me out

of the bathroom.

You don't think he did it

on purpose, do you?

Of course not.

I'll get you a towel.

Whoa! What is all this stuff?

What's wrong with this guy?

Is he decomposing or something?

Allergy medicine? Great.

He smells bad and he's a wimp.

What a role model.

Hey, Mom, where's my toothpaste?

I can't find any of my stuff!

Excuse me.

Do you guys have to do that?

Sorry. Can't resist a pretty girl.

You know what I mean, buddy?

I'm 11.

I hate girls.

Oh, right, of course.

I used to be 11 myself.

I know exactly what you mean.

Cooties, right?

Yeah, right, cooties.

Mom, I can't find my toothpaste.

I can't find anything. All my stuff's gone.

It's not gone. I put it

in the cabinet on the floor.

Well, what'd you do that for?

Because Jack's taller,

so it makes more sense...

for his stuff to be up

in the medicine chest.

But, Mom...

Oh, it's not gonna k*ll you for

your toothpaste to be in the cabinet.

Don't give me that face.

We all have to make adjustments

around here.

I'm the one making

all the adjustments.

Well, I'm beat.

Gonna turn in.

See you in the morning, Benny.

Oops. Sorry.

I meant Ben.

See you in the morning, Ben.

Oh, Mom, could I talk to you

for a minute, please?

I'm sorry. Ben said the thought of us

being in the same bed...

would be psychologically

damaging to him.

Did he actually use those words,

"psychologically damaging"?

He's a very bright kid.

He watches PBS.

So do I, but I don't talk like that.

I think it'll be okay in a few days.

Just let him get used to the situation.

Okay. Okay.

At least now I'm glad

I had that cold shower.

Thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

Hey, don't start anything

you can't finish.

Okay.

- Good night.

- Good night, sweetheart.

This isn't so bad.

I can live with this.

This sucks.

I'm never gonna get any sleep.

Jack, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just a little

late-night skateboarding.

What's going on down there?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

I heard a noise.

What was it?

Oh, that was me.

I... Just trying to

get to the bathroom...

when I tripped on

that darn skateboard.

The bathroom's over there, Jack.

Have you forgotten already?

It's over here?

There it is.

Got my bearings back.

Thanks, Ben.

- Good night, Mother.

- Good night, sweetheart.

♪ Strumming on the old banjo ♪

And singing'

- What are you doing?

- Oh, morning, Ben.

For some reason, I didn't

sleep well last night.

So I got up early to make breakfast.

Uh, do me a favor. Will you come around

in here and, uh, shut this stove off?

What is all this stuff anyway?

Eggs Benedict a la Sturges, my boy.

Eggs what?

Poached eggs and slice of ham

on English muffins.

Topped off with hollandaise sauce,

most of which is on the counter.

And the a la Sturges part is...

caviar.

Does the word "cholesterol"

mean anything to you, Jack?

Well, I don't eat like

this all the time, Ben.

It's sort of a celebration.

And how about the word "recycle"?

I mean, you put the eggshells...

in with the paper instead

of the organic material.

Oh. Oh. I thought you had just

four different garbage cans.

Look, this one is for paper...

this one is for aluminum,

this one is for glass...

and this one is for

the organic materials, like eggshells.

Well, I'll just put the eggshells

over here then. No problem.

Something smells good.

- What happened here?

- I made eggs Benedict.

Jack's trying to k*ll us

with animal fat.

Ben and I usually just

have a little granola,

yogurt, sliced fruit in the morning.

Oh, okay, fine. I'll just dump

this stuff in with the organic material...

and whip up some granola

and sliced fruit and some yogurt.

- How's that?

- Don't bother.

I'll just pick up something

on the way to school.

- Ben, don't forget to take...

- Good-bye, Mother.

Well, I guess we're not getting off

to a very good start, are we?

Ben and I make breakfast

together every morning.

It's one of our routines.

I'll just make a list

so this doesn't happen again.

Good idea.

A lot of help you've been.

Paper only.

- Someone sure is hungry.

- Hey, Monroe, how ya doing'?

- Don't they feed you at home?

- I skipped breakfast.

My mom's boyfriend took over the kitchen,

and I walked out in protest.

Well, I could have told you

that was gonna happen. Always does.

First thing they do is take over

the bathroom and the kitchen.

Then the sofa and the TV.

My advice to you is to get rid

of this guy immediately.

It's gonna be pretty hard.

My mom's trapped in this huge love bubble.

She's not thinking clearly.

I'm telling you, man, whatever you do,

you'd better do it soon.

'Cause it's my own personal experience

that the longer a mom lives with a guy...

the harder it is to get rid of him.

Hello? Can someone get me

out of here?

Is there somebody in there?

Yeah. Can you get me

out of here, please?

- What's the combination?

- Thirty-eight...

24, 36.

Hi.

Thanks. Boy, it's tight in there.

I'm Norman Bronski, by the way.

I'm Ben, and this is Monroe.

What were you doing in your locker?

Don't you know you're supposed to be

on the outside when you lock it up?

Some big guys were making fun of me.

They stuffed me in there.

- Does that happen a lot?

- Just about every day.

Well, maybe that dorky-looking Indian

getup has something to do with it.

It's got everything to do with it.

I'm an Indian Guide.

What's an Indian Guide?

The YMCA Indian Guides is a program

designed to foster understanding...

and companionship

between father and son.

Well, uh, nice talking

to you there, Cochise.

We gotta be going.

Hey, tell me something, Norm.

Do the fathers have to

dress like Indians too?

Oh, sure. My dad wears this huge headdress

with a lot of feathers on it.

Sounds real exciting. Let's go.

- And how does one join this club, Norman?

- What?

Here's everything you need to know.

We'd be glad for you

and your dad to join us.

Our tribe's always looking

for new members.

Well, I gotta go.

Nice meeting you guys.

If you happen by this way tomorrow...

you might want to check

if I'm stuffed in my locker again.

So long.

Are you crazy? You seriously want

to hang with a goof like that?

Of course not. The whole thing

is strictly Twilight Zone.

But this Indian Guide thing

could be the solution to my problem.

I don't get it.

Are you sure he wants to do this?

It says here they actually

eat nuts and berries.

Doesn't he get enough

of that for breakfast?

What? I didn't hear you.

Did Ben say why he wants us

to do this Indian Guide thing?

He said he thought it'd be a good way

for the two of you to

get to know each other.

But, Sandy,

these people sit around...

making things like furry

refrigerator magnets.

I mean, what tribe of

Indians in all of history

ever made furry refrigerator magnets?

I think the fact that Ben wants

to spend time with you...

that's a good sign, don't you?

Yes, I do.

But why can't he wanna do something

a little bit more normal?

- Like, uh, joining Little League.

- Because you know how kids are.

This week, they're excited

about Indian Guides.

Next week, they're excited

about roller hockey.

Just give it a try.

I mean, how bad can it be?

♪ Pals forever, pals forever ♪

♪ That's our slogan

That's our song ♪

♪ Boys are stronger

Dads feel younger ♪

♪ When they take the boys along ♪

♪ Moms are for it

Dads adore it ♪

♪ And the boys all think it's fine ♪

♪ Pals forever, pals forever ♪

♪ As Indian Guides

we'll have good times ♪

- All right.

- Yeah!

Excellent. Excellent.

Now, as chief of the Minotauk,

it's my very special pleasure tonight...

to welcome two new members

into the tribe.

So let's hear a very special

Guide welcome for Jack and Ben.

- Welcome! Welcome!

- All right!

- All right!

- ♪ Hey-ha-ea-ya, Ben♪

♪ Hey-ha-ea-ya, Jack ♪

♪ Fine, thanks

How are you ♪

No, no, Jack. "Hey-ha-ea-ya" is

the official greeting of the Minotauk.

Oh.

Yeah. It's just our way of

saying, "Welcome. Have a good time."

- "You're among friends."

- I f-feel comfortable already.

Now that's good because

the whole point...

is to just relax and

have a whole lot of fun.

Right, Guides? All right!

All right. Which is why I'd like

to call upon Silent Thunder...

who's prepared a little entertainment

for tonight's meeting.

Excuse me there,

Chief Running Horse.

- Point of order.

- Yes?

I believe it is customary

at this juncture for...

new members to pick

names for each other.

Yes, of course. Once again, Silver Fox

has nailed the chief on a point of order.

I just believe it's important

to follow the rules...

to set an example

for the youngsters.

Red's our tribal secretary.

He's memorized the entire

Guide manual, word for word.

It took me six months.

Really? You must be very proud.

You see, Jack and Ben, fathers and sons

picking Indian names for each other...

is one of the most important

Indian Guide rituals.

For example, I'm Running Horse

and this is my son Dark Eagle.

Oh, I see. They're...

They're all animal names.

Yeah, you got it.

So, you wanna go first?

Well, you know, I should warn you,

I'm not very good at this kind of thing.

- I'm not...

- Jack, it's easy.

Yeah, come on, Jack. Give it a shot.

How hard could it be?

I have a, uh, list of

pre-approved Indian names,

if it would be of any help.

Red, Red, I think Jack

can just wing it.

Sure, okay, well, uh,

if I'm, uh, just gonna wing it...

um, how 'bout, um, Little Wing?

Good name. Good song too.

Jimi Hendrix.

I've got the album.

Axis... Bold as Love.

All right, Guides, from now on,

Ben's new tribal name will be Little Wing.

- Yeah!

- All right!

All right.

Fly on, Little Wing, yeah.

Okay, Ben, your turn now.

Pick a name for Jack.

Something that tells us

how you feel about him.

How about Squatting Dog?

Squatting Dog? That's the best

you could come up with?

Well, I had a dog once who had

a terrible case of the squirts.

He was my best friend

in the whole world.

Did you have any other pets?

I had a squirrel named Numbnuts.

Uh, I'm gonna go with Squatting Dog.

Okay. Good name.

Funny name. Minotauk appreciate

a sense of humor.

All right, Guides, from now on, Jack's new

tribal name will be Squatting Dog.

- Way to go!

- Yeah!

Okay, now, Silent Thunder,

the floor is yours.

- All right.

- Yeah!

Go, Dad!

This is gonna be great.

Lloyd's been preparing this all week.

Oh, come on.

- What's going on?

- Oh, I should have told you.

Silent Thunder's a circus performer.

He likes to express himself without words.

- He's pretty good at it, isn't he?

- Whoa.

♪ Don't, don't, don't... ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't stop now ♪

Bravo, Silent Thunder!

Bravo! Bravo!

All right!

Very good, Silent Thunder.

Very funny.

All right. Let's keep

the good times rolling, Guides.

Who's up for a game

of scrambled moccasins, huh?

- Point of order there, Chief.

- Yes, Red, what is it now?

I believe we played scrambled moccasins

at last week's meeting.

And since we decided to vary

the games from week to week...

we should be onto either potato bowling

or pass the grapefruit.

Are you sure? I could have sworn

we played scrambled birch bark last week.

No, uh, according to my notes...

uh, we made macaroni name tags.

Silent Thunder served chocolate

corn bread and fruit punch.

Chief Running Horse gave an interesting talk

on why we have nasal hair.

And, uh, yeah, here it is.

Scrambled moccasins.

Okay, then. Guides, a show of feathers.

Who's up for a game of potato bowling?

All right!

Then let's get ready to rumble!

And Jack and Ben,

as new members...

you have the honor

of hurling the first spud.

Yeah!

I'm telling you, Monroe,

adults are so easy to

figure out, it's scary.

As soon as I said I liked it,

he said he liked it.

- Yes.

- But he hated it, right?

Oh, totally.

You should have been there.

We all had to play this stupid game

where you roll potatoes along the floor...

to see who could get 'em closest

to a big circle on a

huge piece of newspaper.

I don't see how

you can stand it, man.

Well, fortunately, I won't

have to stand it much longer.

There's a big, dopey campout

this Saturday night.

We have to sleep outside

in someone's backyard.

I'll never understand why you white people

like to sleep outside on the ground.

You'll never catch

no brothers doing that.

And just in case

that isn't quite bad enough...

I told Jack that all the other fathers

were dressing up like authentic Indians.

So he went out and rented a complete costume

to show me how enthusiastic he is.

Are the other fathers

dressing up like Indians?

- Of course not.

- You're the devil, man.

Yes!

When is the food ready?

I'm hungry.

All right. Juicy burgers coming' up.

Hey, can somebody give me

a hand with this tent?

- Sure, I'll help you.

- Hey, Jack.

Jack, nice costume.

Very authentic.

But we usually don't get dressed up

except for really big special occasions.

I probably should've told you.

Well, it's okay. I...

I just happened to have this

lying around in my closet anyway. So...

Yeah, looks great too.

Listen, I gotta fire up the barbecue.

But, uh, we'll talk later, huh?

Hey, Jack, you need to get your face

painted like everybody else.

I'm still hungry!

When are we eating?

I thought you said all

the other fathers were...

gonna be wearing Indian costumes too.

Sorry, I guess I misunderstood.

I hope you're not mad at me.

No. Honest mistake, I guess.

No harm. No foul.

Wait a minute. What-What kind of paint

is that? I-I-I have to be careful.

Uh, it's not really

paint. Just watercolor.

Oh.

That's good, 'cause I have

a tendency to break out.

Don't worry.

I checked the label.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Well, thanks.

- That was very thoughtful of you, Ben.

- No problem.

Hey, everybody,

I got a great idea.

- Let's have a grapefruit relay.

- Yeah!

- How about it, Jack? Are you up for it?

- Oh, yeah, can't wait.

You know, I could probably pop a round

into Sturges's skull from right here.

- From here? With what?

- A 38.

Get away from me with that. A 38

wouldn't even make it across the street.

On the other hand, a 22 super speed

has enough velocity...

to make it through his brain

and into the next county.

I told you guys we gotta

make this look like an accident...

so the whole thing don't

come back on my old man.

Now forget the 38s and the 22s.

Think accidental death.

Understand?

Okay, Guides, all ready

for the big grapefruit relay?

Yeah!

Down to the end of the yard and back again.

And remember, the rule is...

you can't touch your fruit

with your hands.

On your marks. Get set.

- Go!

- Come on!

You can do it!

Listen, Jack, there's something

I wanna talk to you about.

Do you think it could wait till

we don't have grapefruits under our chins?

Yeah, I didn't wanna do it

in front of the others.

See, Norman told me

you're not really Ben's father.

Well, that's true, I'm not.

Geez, I hope that doesn't mean

Ben and I have to leave the Indian Guides.

- No, no, not at all.

- Oh. You're sure about that?

- Yeah.

- Maybe you better check with Red first.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm not

Norman's father either. I'm his stepfather.

This thing broke open on me.

I'm starting to get juice down my chest.

- Come on! Get the grapefruit!

- Remember, no hands!

I think I know what

you're going through with Ben.

So, if you ever need

any advice or anything...

I appreciate it.

I really appreciate it.

But I think I'm doing fine

on my own. Really.

Okay, but if you ever

wanna talk, I'm there.

Okay.

Can't get any worse than this.

Your Honor, the US attorney's

appearance here indicates...

a complete lack of respect

by the federal government for our case...

and I move for a mistrial.

Thank you, Mr. Red Crow.

I'll take that under advisement.

Mr. Sturges,

would you care to comment?

Your Honor, I assure you, I meant

absolutely no disrespect to the plaintiff.

Leonard, really, it's just a rash.

It looks a lot like w*r paint, Jack.

Although, the happy face

is not technically a native symbol.

w*r paint, Jack?

The Salish Indian tribe

sues the United States...

government over

indigenous land rights...

and you show up in w*r paint?

Good God, Jack, this is the '90s.

Haven't you heard of political correctness?

Of course I have.

Look, this Salish thing is

a very sensitive issue for us...

so I'm afraid I'm gonna have

to take you off the case.

Come on, Bob. Isn't

that a little drastic?

I mean, this rash will

go away in 24 hours.

- I can get a continuance.

- It's not just the rash.

It's your behavior in general.

You've canceled meetings. You're unprepared.

I'm sorry, Bob.

I explained that to you.

Yeah, I know, I know. The, uh...

The Indian thing with the stepson.

It's taken up a lot more of my time

than I thought it would.

I can understand,

and I can sympathize.

But frankly, I don't care!

We have an important job

to do here, Jack.

I suggest you get your priorities in order.

Am I making myself understood?

I've been working with

the US attorney's office 15 years.

And I've never been taken off

a case till this morning.

I'm sorry. I did my best.

But this whole Indian

Guide thing is just... just not working.

Couldn't you just give it

another chance?

I can't do it, Sandy.

It's interfering with my work.

I mean, I can either be a United States

attorney or an Indian Guide's father.

I can't be both.

You do see my point, don't you?

I suppose so.

I just don't know how

I'm gonna tell Ben.

Nobody has to tell me anything.

I heard the whole thing.

You know, I knew

this was gonna happen.

Just when I was beginning to have fun

and make new friends, he wants to quit.

Look, sweetheart, there's

lots of other things

you and Jack can do together.

Sure, we can go

to baseball games, movies.

Yeah, right, until you get

tired of them and quit.

I told you he was gonna

be just like dad.

I was afraid something

like this was gonna happen.

Don't you think

he's overreacting a little?

I mean, this is just about

the stupid Indian Guides.

No, Jack, it's not just about

the stupid Indian Guides.

I told you this was gonna be

a difficult adjustment for Ben to make.

You said, "Oh, no, don't

worry. I'm an expert."

I've got all the books on the subject."

I'm doing the best I can.

Well, it doesn't seem

to be good enough, does it?

- Now what's that supposed to mean?

- It means...

It means...

I don't know.

Maybe I made a mistake.

Maybe this is all

happening to soon.

Maybe I should wait until Ben is older

and able to handle this better.

Maybe we'd all be able

to handle it better.

You really think you made a mistake?

'Cause if you do, I'll

move back to my place.

I just wanted everything

to work out.

I want the three of us

to become a family.

Well, I want that too.

So, I guess I'll just have

to rearrange my schedule...

so that I can be a US attorney

and an Indian Guide father.

Are you sure?

If Chet Bronski and Red Sweeney...

and that circus guy

can do it, I can do it.

I better go upstairs and apologize

and eat a little you know what.

I did it, Monroe. I did it!

I think I broke the love bubble.

Yeah, and not a minute too soon.

I don't know how much longer I could've

put up with those Indian geeks.

Yeah, he quit. And then

I went into my "upset child" act.

They started to fight,

and she told him she was...

gonna wait till I'm older

and better able to handle it.

Yeah, the guy's history. I figure

he'll be back in Tacoma by tomorrow.

- Did you speak to him?

- What?

- Did you speak to him?

- Oh, no.

He was on the phone.

I've got a lot of work to do anyway.

I'll talk to him in the morning.

Chet.

- Sorry. Did I scare you?

- Jack.

Oh, I'm sorry. You know, they told me

in the office you'd be down here.

- Yeah, well, this is my classroom.

- Uh-huh.

Fifteen years now.

Adrenaline.

So what brings you around?

Wanna make a spice rack for your mom?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, the thing

of it is, I, uh...

Well, you know, I drive... I drive by here

every morning on my way to work.

And, uh, well, I thought maybe,

you know...

You know, I-I just thought

I might, uh, drop by...

Say, this... this is nice.

What is it?

That's what we like

to call a hammer, Jack.

Oh, of course.

Tell me, Jack. Does it take you this long

to get to the point in court?

Actually, addressing a jury is a lot easier

than what I came here to do.

I need to ask your advice

on something.

It's amazing how difficult it is for us guys

to ask each other for anything, isn't it?

- You got that right.

- But that's okay.

- We're all members of the same tribe.

- Yeah, the Minotauk.

No, I mean the emotionally

constipated American male over 40.

Now what can I help you with, Jack?

Well, it's Ben.

He's, uh, been doing

everything he can to get...

rid of me. Frankly, I

think he hates my guts.

No, he doesn't hate your guts.

He's just scared.

Scared you're gonna take away

the most important thing in his life...

his mom.

Norman did the very same thing to me.

Tried to get rid of me for months.

Well, what...

what did you do?

I mean, you and Norman seem to

have a great relationship now.

Well, I just kept at it,

and at it and at it.

That's where the Indian Guides came in.

Helped a lot, actually.

- Indian Guides helped? How?

- By leveling the playing field.

See, one of the best ways

to reach a kid is to...

not be afraid to be a kid

yourself now and again.

It's just that I thought

it'd be a lot easier than this.

Oh, Jack, raising kids is one

of the most difficult things in the world.

But in the end, it's worth it.

Believe me.

You know, Chet, it's funny.

I can stand up to some

of the toughest hoods in the country.

Doesn't phase me a bit.

But an 11-year-old kid,

that's really scary.

Yeah, welcome to the club, Jack.

Thanks, Chet.

♪ Hit the road, Jack

and don't you come back ♪

♪ No more, no more

no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack

and don't you come back no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack

and don't you come back ♪

♪ No more, no more

no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack... ♪

Ben, Ben, one of the great men.

We've been waiting for you.

What's going on? What

are you doing here?

I thought you were leaving.

Why would I leave?

I live here.

Jack's decided not to quit

the Indian Guides after all.

- Isn't that wonderful?

- You're kidding.

Absolutely not. And to prove it,

I'd like you to meet someone.

Ben, this is Leonard Red Crow.

Leonard, meet Ben.

How.

Excuse me, did you just say "how"?

Just kidding. I always like to say that.

It makes people laugh.

Leonard's the chief

of the Salish Indian tribe.

I've asked him to help

make the Minotauk...

the best tribe in the

whole Indian Guide nation.

- What do you think of that?

- Great.

I knew you'd be thrilled.

The teachings of values

and skills to children...

has always been a very

important part of Indian life.

Besides, I can use the beads

and trinkets Jack offered me.

I'm just kidding again.

You know, Ben, you're gonna

have to learn to loosen up.

Leonard's gonna teach us

how to do a real rain dance.

A rain dance? This is Seattle.

What's the point of that?

Who do you think's responsible

for all the rain?

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah

Everybody ♪

♪ Here is the doe

Back with the bass ♪

♪ The jam is live in effect

and I don't waste time ♪

♪ On the mike

with the dope rhyme ♪

♪ Jump to the rhythm, jump

Jump to the rhythm, jump ♪

♪ And I'm here to combine

beats and lyrics ♪

♪ That make you shake your pants

Take a chance ♪

♪ Come on and dance

Guys, grab a girl ♪

♪ Don't wait, make her twirl

It's your world and I'm just a squirrel ♪

♪ Trying to get a nut to move

your butt to the dance floor ♪

♪ So, yo, what's up

Hands in the air, come on ♪

♪ Say yeah, everybody over here

Everybody over there ♪

♪ The crowd is live

and I feel this groove ♪

♪ Party people in the house, move ♪

♪ - Let your mind

- Move ♪

♪ Put me on-line ♪

♪ Come on

Let's sweat, baby ♪

♪ Let the music take control ♪

♪ Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Sweat, sweat ♪

♪ Let the music take control

Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Pause, take a breath

and go for yours on my command ♪

♪ Noe hit the dance floor

It's gonna make you sweat till you bleed ♪

♪ Is that dope enough indeed ♪

♪ I pay the price, I roll the dice

I'm more precise to the point I'm nice ♪

♪ The music takes control

Your heart and soul unfolds ♪

♪ Your body is free and a

whole Dance till you can't ♪

♪ Dance till you can't dance no more ♪

♪ Get on the floor and get raw ♪

♪ And then come back

and upside down, easy now ♪

♪ - And let me see you move

- Let your mind ♪

♪ - Move

- Put me on-line ♪

♪ The music is my life ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Everybody

Come on ♪

♪ Let's sweat ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Let the music take control

Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Sweat

Sweat! ♪

♪ Let the music take control

Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ - Hey, hey.

- Oh, my gosh, it's raining! ♪

♪ We did it, Ben!

We did it! ♪

♪ Can you believe that?

We did it! ♪

♪ - It's raining!

- I don't believe it! ♪

Yes!

- Somebody give me five.

- Yeah!

I cannot believe...

God, look at all this rain!

It's pouring!

Ben, Hard Copy's on.

Ben, you awake?

I guess he's not coming.

He's exhausted.

I don't blame him.

I'm tired too.

- Yeah, you should get to bed early tonight.

- Yeah.

In fact, um...

In fact, we can go to bed right now.

Oh, I can't. I have

so much work to do. Honey...

- We haven't been alone in such a long time.

- Oh, Sandy.

I promise it won't take more

than a couple of hours.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Come on, Jack.

Do I have to?

- But I thought you liked Norm.

- Well, yeah, he's okay, I guess.

So what's the problem?

Well, seeing him

for Indian Guides is one thing...

but having him sleep over at my house

is something completely different.

Look, Norm's dad told me

he doesn't have a lot of friends...

and I thought this would be

kind of a nice gesture.

So do me this one favor, okay?

Well, hanging out with a guy like that

won't do much for my reputation, you know?

Yeah, we wouldn't want it

getting around what a nice guy you are.

All right. I'll do it.

But just this once, okay?

Good. And to make it really special...

I even got you guys

an authentic Indian tepee.

Chet's setting it up this afternoon.

He's gonna set up a tepee? Where?

It was real nice of you

to invite me to sleep over, Ben.

Yeah, sure.

No sweat. Glad to do it.

'Cause this is the first time I've ever been

invited to sleep over at someone's house.

It's no big deal, Norm.

Don't worry about it.

I brought you something.

This is for me?

It must've cost you a fortune.

Not really.

I made it myself.

All this beadwork

must've taken forever.

Well...

I haven't much else

to do with my time...

and I thought you might

want to have it.

I gotta be honest with you, Norm.

I don't really understand

why you'd do something like this.

Because I wanted to.

And because we're all part of

the same tribe and everything.

If you don't like it, you can tell me.

My feelings won't get hurt.

I like it very much, Norm.

Thanks.

You know what?

I got an idea.

You wanna go down to my room

and play some video games?

- Would I ever!

- Let's do it.

I just got the new

Sub humanoid Slaughterhouse 5000.

- It's really cool, but it's hard.

- I didn't know that had come out yet.

I'm still playing on the

Sub humanoid Slaughterhouse 2000.

2000's for wimps.

5000's way better.

When you k*ll Gakmo,

the sub humanoid commander...

his head explodes like a gigantic zit.

Cool!

But you gotta watch out

for Douglas the Vampire Troll.

He's got these hyper-speed plasma rockets

that'll melt all your skin right off.

- Way gross!

- It's the best.

Hey, Monroe.

- What are you wearing?

- It's an Indian vest. What's it look like?

It looks like Gakmo the Sub humanoid's

head exploded all over your shirt.

What are those things all over it?

These happen to be

authentic Indian beads, Monroe.

Don't you think you're getting

a little heavy with this Indian thing?

You know, I knew you

were gonna get on my case.

But you know what?

It's not as bad as we thought.

I've learned a lot of cool stuff.

For example, do you know how to sh**t

a bow and arrow or throw a tomahawk?

- No.

- Well, I do.

That should come in real handy

the next time you go buffalo hunting.

And next weekend

we're going on a canoe trip.

We're gonna go over white-water

rapids and everything. It's gonna be great.

Gee, sorry I can't come.

- Nice Indian beads, buddy.

- What's with the vest?

- I don't want him. You take him.

- Can I join your Indian club too, please?

Looks like chingach-dork

is getting shoved into his locker again.

See what dressing up

like an Indian gets ya?

Hey, wh-where you goin'?

I'm gonna help him out.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

- Talkin' to us, punk?

- I can't watch this.

Let him go or face the consequences.

Sorry about that, Norm,

but I thought it'd work.

That's okay, Ben.

I appreciate the effort.

You know, it's not so bad in here.

It's kind of peaceful.

Yeah, it's amazing

how you get used to it after a while.

Hello? Anybody out there?

Can someone please help us?

Hello.

All right, guys. We ready

for the big canoe trip?

Yeah!

We're gonna go over a lot

of white-water rapids.

Yeah!

- Some of us might fall out.

- Yeah!

- Be torn to bits by a man-eating salmon.

- Yeah!

All right. As soon as Jack gets here,

we're vapor.

Yeah!

So, Ben, did, uh... did Jack mention

when he's gonna, uh, be here?

Well, he said he had to finish

some work at the office...

but he promised

he'd be here by noon.

Hey, if he promised,

then he'll be here.

Oh, great. I'm gonna be late.

I can't be late!

This is it!

What's going on here?

My brakes are out!

Bye-bye, Sturges.

Have a nice life.

Whoa! Watch it!

Oh, no!

No brakes!

Sorry, no brakes!

- Hey, what's happening? Did you see that?

- Hey, come on. Let's go!

There's a truck in the water.

- Hey, come on, Bob. Follow me!

- Move it!

- What happened over here?

- Come on, buddy! Move it!

Come on.

Get out of the way.

- Watch it!

- Throw the line!

- There he is!

- Somebody call 911.

I don't believe it!

I cut those brake lines clean.

He should be dead right now.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

It was an unlucky break. That's all.

- We'll get another chance.

- I don't care, man.

Come on. Let's get outta here

before somebody sees us.

- Over here. Over here.

- Hit it over here.

- Right here.

- Over here. Over here.

Come on. Serve it.

It's already 12:47. I think we should

get going there, Chet. Time's a-wasting.

I was sure Jack would be here by now.

I wonder what happened.

Yeah, you're right.

Poor Ben.

- Whoa.

- Hit it.

There you go.

Someone's gonna have to tell him.

Either one of you guys wanna do it?

Cowards. Okay, Guides, time to go.

Let's load up.

- All right. Let's go, guys.

- Yes!

Listen, Ben. Uh, Red won't let us wait

any longer for Jack.

Oh, uh, sure, Mr. Bronski.

I understand.

You know, Jack has a very important job.

It's not like me or Lloyd or Red.

So I'm sure whatever's keeping him

has gotta be pretty important too.

Yeah.

Hey, you wanna come along with us? Huh?

You can sit in the middle. Norm and I

will take care of all the paddling.

- How would that be?

- No, thanks, Mr. Bronski.

I don't feel much like going anyway.

- You sure?

- Absolutely.

You guys go ahead

and have a great time.

- I'll be okay.

- Yeah.

Hey, Ben.

Hi, honey. What are you doing back so early?

Where's Jack?

He didn't show up.

What do you mean he didn't show up?

What happened?

Well, he promised he'd be there,

but he never showed up.

So the other guys

went on without me.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

I'm sure there's an explanation.

He just found something

better to do. That's all.

No, I know Jack.

He wouldn't do anything like that.

Just like you knew Dad

wouldn't do anything like that?

Oh, my God!

What happened to you?

I got caught in a sudden downpour

and really got soaked.

When was it raining?

It's, uh, kind of complicated. I'll tell you

about it later. I need to talk to Ben first.

- I'll get you a towel.

- Thanks.

I'm really sorry

I missed the canoe trip, Ben.

I had car trouble,

and I just couldn't make it.

Don't worry about it.

I wanted to be there, Ben.

I really did.

Could you get out of the chair

with your wet clothes, please?

Sorry.

He's really taking this hard.

Well, he was really

looking forward to this trip...

and he was counting

on you to be there.

Believe me,

what happened was unavoidable.

I'm sure it was.

But without meaning to,

you broke a promise to him...

which, unfortunately, is something

his father used to do to him all the time.

I guess I have to pay for all the mistakes

his father made, don't I?

I'm afraid it goes

with the territory.

- I'll go talk to him.

- No, wait a minute. I'll do it.

Ben, talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure.

Do what you want.

Look, Ben. I know you're mad at me,

and I know there's no reason in the world...

for you to believe me,

but I'm gonna make this up to you.

I swear.

Hey, you know the Fourth of July

camping trip that's coming up?

- Yeah, what about it?

- Well, I give you my word...

nothing's gonna interfere with it.

We're gonna go and we're gonna have

the best time we've ever had.

Okay? I promise.

Yeah, sure.

Okay. Good.

It looks like your hunch

was right, Jack.

That was no accident you had.

According to the police report,

the brake lines on your car were cut.

Looks like somebody wants you dead.

I think it would be a good idea...

if we transferred you

to the Portland office for a while.

Portland?

Just until we can find out

who's behind this thing.

I'll put the federal marshals

on it right away.

We should have it wrapped up

end of July at the latest.

End of July?

Forget it, Bob. Can't do it.

- Excuse me.

- Can't do it, Bob.

What do you mean you can't do it?

This isn't a negotiation.

It's an order.

Well, then...

you can fire me or I'll quit.

Either way,

I'm not going to Portland.

Got something more important to do.

Sorry, Bob.

Mind telling me what's more

important than staying alive?

Right now, a camping trip with Ben.

- Hey, Chet, how about a sing-along?

- Great idea. What do you wanna sing?

I don't know.

How about "Louie, Louie"?

Point of order there, Jack.

I believe that's "Louie, Lou-I."

And I don't think the boys would

know the lyrics to that one.

Well, that's the great thing about

that song, Red. Nobody knows the lyrics.

You can mumble anything you want

and still sound fine.

Who needs words anyway?

Right, Dad?

What do you say, Chet?

Take it.

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie

Oh, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie

Oh, no ♪

♪ Sayin' we gotta go

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Said, uh, Louie, Louie

Oh, baby ♪

♪ Said we gotta go ♪

♪ A fine little girl is eaitin'for me ♪

♪ Me catch a ship across the sea ♪

♪ Me sailed that ship

ah, all alone ♪

♪ Me never think hoe I'll make it home ♪

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie ♪

Geez, Ben, there's a lot of stuff here.

Sure glad it's a single.

Can you imagine trying to put up

a two-bedroom tepee?

No, I can't,

but that's a really funny concept.

Uh, Ben, that was my subtle way

of asking for help.

Well, you'll have to be

more obvious, Jack.

I'm just a kid.

I don't get subtleties.

Okay, fine.

Wanna give me a hand?

No, I'd rather not.

My back's sore.

All right.

I'll ask somebody else, then, for help.

Hey, Lloyd, can you help me out?

Let's make him laugh.

Okay, we'll have this up in no time.

Lloyd says, "In a New York minute."

Well, let's do it.

Let's go.

I'm all right.

It's okay.

This looks good.

This one's long.

Oh, perfect.

I need these for the...

'Cause we have to put...

We have to cross these, Lloyd.

They should all be the same height,

and then we can just make a cross.

Make sure they're the same height.

Okay, this is good.

We'll just pull it over...

A little bit more of an angle.

Okay, that's good. Right like that.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'd better hold it. Okay?

We should try to keep it

on an angle...

so we could slip this over

when we're through.

Ow! You got me

on the foot again there, Lloyd.

It's a good job.

Thanks, Lloyd.

Let's get some water or something.

Nice job on the tent, Sturges.

Okay, boys, might as well settle in.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

Well, it doesn't get

much better than this, eh, Guides?

Hey, anybody feel like a story?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Excellent idea. Excellent.

- Yeah.

- Can I borrow your headdress, Chet?

- Yeah, sure.

Be very careful.

All right.

Thank you. Very good.

Okay. Now...

this is a very old Indian legend...

passed down from

generation to generation.

Either that or I saw it

on an episode of F Troop.

You remember that

show where all the...

Indians were played

by Italian actors?

Them all talk like this.

Uh, real Native Americans

don't talk like that.

Yes, Squatting Dog know this...

but intend use only for comic effect.

Okay.

Many moon ago was

young Lakota brave named Young Crab.

So called because

him always in a lousy mood.

Especially after father

skipped camp with secretary.

Leave Young Crab all alone,

take care of mother named Lots a Hair.

Years go by. Young Crab

and Lots a Hair become inseparable.

Build new life.

Young Crab so happy, even think about

changing name to Happy Face.

But then one day

Lots a Hair bring home...

incredibly handsome Lakota warrior...

named Look So Darn Good.

She say, "Young Crab,

this Look So Darn Good."

I've decided to marry him.

"Can blame me?

I mean, check it out one time."

Young Crab not like

Look So Darn Good from get-go.

Not like way he ruin happy life

Young Crab have with Lots a Hair.

So do everything he can

to make Look So Darn Good...

look not so darn hot.

Pour glue in moccasin.

Order 10 pizza, have delivered

to Look So Darn Good's tepee.

Run up big bills calling 1-900 numbers.

Little Guides not try at home,

by the way.

Young Crab sound like him

could use some discipline.

Perhaps trip to woodshed in order.

No, no, Silver Fox.

Young Crab not need discipline.

Him just scared Look So Darn Good

do same thing as father...

run away.

Hurt Lots a Hair and Young Crab

all over again.

Look So Darn Good

must prove himself trustworthy.

Good medicine, Running Horse.

But trust funny thing.

No matter how hard one try...

sooner or later

bound to screw up, break trust.

Not mean to,

but, hey, poo happen.

Now what can Guides

learn from this story?

Um, most important thing.

Little Guides must never

call 1-900 numbers...

without parents' permission.

Good point, Silver Fox,

but way off as usual.

I think the lesson is about

the importance of communication.

Silent Thunder

and Talking Rock correct.

Communication always first step.

I think it also means you have to

learn to have faith in people...

even if sometimes

they disappoint you.

Dark Eagle hit nail right on head.

Great story

and a good lesson for all of us.

- Good story, Jack.

- All right.

- Yeah!

- Great story, Jack.

I'm hungry, Dad.

When are we eating?

Ah, we gotta go down

to the stream and catch our breakfast.

- Hey, Chief, is that coffee ready yet?

- Just about.

- Can we have bacon and eggs?

- If it's in the stream.

Morning, Jack.

How'd you sleep?

Fine. Fine.

Have you seen Ben?

Yeah. I asked him to go down

to the creek and fill up the canteens.

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked him

and not me. We'd all die of thirst.

- Remember what I told you, buddy.

- Yeah, just keep at it.

But I gotta tell you, Chet,

I'm about ready to give up.

I've tried everything I can

think of to get through to him.

- It's just not working.

- It takes time.

Believe it or not, you're doing fine.

Yeah, real fine.

Come on, Tony. Get out of the water.

You're gonna ruin your suit.

Hey, I got one!

I got one!

Hey, Murray, Joey, look at this.

I actually caught a fish!

I'm a regular

Jacques Cousteau over here!

You're not gonna believe it.

This is the first time I've

fished in my entire life!

I could actually enjoy this.

Murray, after we k*ll

this Sturges guy, maybe...

we can come back here

and do this again.

Jack.

- Jack, Jack!

- What's the matter?

There's some guys

over there in suits fishing.

One of'em said they came

up here to k*ll you.

- Where are they?

- Over there by the creek.

Come on, Tony.

Enough with the fishing already!

Just one more. Just one more!

I'm gettin' really good at this.

Yeah, if you were as good at arranging car

accidents, Sturges would be dead by now...

and we wouldn't be

sittin' around in the forest...

like Robin Hood and his merry men!

What accident

are they talking about, Jack?

I thought you just had

some car trouble.

I did have some car trouble.

I just didn't tell you how much.

Okay, so tell me now.

Jack, tell me.

All right. Those guys did something

to the brakes of my car.

- I ended up in the bay. No big deal.

- No big deal? Why didn't you tell me?

- Didn't wanna worry you or your mom.

- I-I-I thought you made up...

the car trouble story

to get out of going on the canoe trip.

If you had told me you

had a real accident,

I... I wouldn't have

gotten so upset.

Sorry. I tried to do the right thing.

Hey, Chet, I need you

to do something for me.

Don't ask a lot of

questions, but some guys

followed me up here.

They're sort of after me.

What do you mean "after you"?

I sent a man to prison for 50 years,

and his son's a little upset about it.

All right.

What do you want us to do?

You and the boys head back down

to the ranger station to try to get help.

I'll lead them further up

the mountain till you get back.

I don't know, Jack.

We could stay here. We could help.

I must concur with Silent Thunder

on that point, Jack.

There are eight of us.

There's gotta be something we can do.

I really appreciate it.

It's very nice of you guys.

But they're after me,

not any of you.

It's too dangerous to stay together.

Better we split up.

All right.

We'll get back as quick as we can.

Little Guides, let's move out!

Move out! Come on!

- That means you too, Ben.

- No way. I'm staying here with you.

- You're not staying with me.

- But I can help.

You could be more help by making sure

the others get down okay.

Now go on, get out of here.

I mean it.

Ben.

Thanks anyway.

I appreciate it.

I'll go around this way

and meet you on the other side.

- Yeah. Bet you we beat you there!

- You're on!

I got you now, Sturges.

Murray, Tony, get ready!

The fun is about to begin.

Great. Just what I need.

- Gesundheit.

- Ben, what are you doing here?

I came back here to help you.

What do you think?

- I don't need any help.

- Oh, really?

And what were you planning to do

when those guys found you?

Lie there and pretend to be a slug?

Exactly. Now get out of here.

You're blowing my cover.

You can't tell me what to do.

You're not my father.

I knew you were gonna

say that eventually.

Oh, geez.

So how's the leg?

Except for the throbbing pain,

it's great.

Well, then we can't outrun 'em.

So we're gonna have to slow 'em up

until the others get back with help.

We wouldn't stand a chance.

These guys are hired K*llers with g*ns.

So? We've got bows and arrows

and a tomahawk.

We're gonna need something

more than that.

Well, Red Crow told me

that when you need an answer...

you just listen to nature

and the answer will be provided to you.

How do you know he wasn't

kidding you again?

Trust me.

Okay, I'll listen.

Could you ask nature to speak up?

I can't hear a thing.

Well, thank you, Red Crow.

All right, slow and easy.

Hold on. Hold on.

Don't get away from me.

Easy, Ben.

Don't shake it.

That's good.

Steady, steady.

- What's the matter with you?

- I slipped.

- Murray, get him on his feet.

- Come on, Tony. Get up.

- Come on. You look ridiculous.

- Come on. Get up. Geez!

Hey, your hands are filthy.

Don't touch the suit.

You guys go that way.

I'm goin' this way.

- Think this guy knows what he's doing?

- I don't know.

Look at this suit. It's full of twigs.

That guy on Fourth Street's never

gonna be able to get 'em out.

What are you complaining about?

I got fish goop all over my pants.

Tony, I'm telling you, never call me

for a job like this again. Never!

Don't worry, I won't.

Who needs you?

Ah! Indian stuff.

We got him.

We got him. We got him.

Okay, you ready?

Ready. Let's do it.

We got him.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look at this.

Here's more of that beaded junk.

They gotta be around here somewhere.

- Hey, look. It's his kid.

- What the hell's he doing?

I think he's gonna sh**t us

with his little bow and arrow.

- Oh, I'm really scared.

- Yeah, maybe we should take cover.

- Beehive!

- Beehive!

Tony, they're bitin' me!

Tell them to leave me alone!

- Good shot, Little Wing.

- You too, Squatting Dog.

You know, we really oughta

think about changing my name.

Good idea.

How about Dead Meat?

Not so tough now, are ya, Sturges?

Hey, if you want to beg for your life

like a little worm...

go ahead!

You know, Joey, I have to say I expected

something better than this from you.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Oh, come on, Joey.

The old seal-'em-up-in-an-abandoned-mine-

with-dynamite routine?

- What's wrong with it?

- It's boring, that's what it is.

Shows a complete lack of imagination.

Yeah, right. And I suppose you could

think of something better?

Without even trying.

You could hurl us off a cliff

onto some jagged rocks, for example.

That's not any better.

Yeah, but first you could drill holes in

the back of our head with a power tool...

to make it look like

an industrial accident.

That makes it better.

Or if you were really clever,

you'd wrap us up in wet rawhide...

so when it dried out

it'd mash up all our bones...

and squeeze our internal organs out through

our orifices like a tube of toothpaste.

I saw it on America's Most Wanted.

Let me tell you something, Sturges.

This kid is sick.

If I wasn't gonna k*ll

the two of youse...

I'd suggest you get him

psychiatric help immediately.

Tony, go ahead.

Light the fuse...

before this little demento

get's any more ideas.

Bye-bye, Sturges!

Bye-bye, kid!

Jack, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, Ben. It'll be okay.

What the hell is this?

Charades?

He says, throw down your weapons

or else he'll turn you into large...

stupid-looking pincushions.

Actually, he didn't say "stupid-looking."

I added that.

Yeah, right.

Like I'm really gonna surrender...

to one screwball

with a bow and arrow.

Murray, put a b*llet in his head.

Excuse me, there.

Point of order.

I believe it is ill*gal...

to possess firearms in a state park.

As a duly authorized representative of

the Department of Motor Vehicles...

a state agency, I'm gonna have to

confiscate those weapons.

Oh, now there's two of them.

I'm really scared.

Make that three!

- Four!

- Five!

Six!

We're surrounded.

What do we do now, Joey?

They got little bows and arrows.

You got g*ns.

What do you think you do?

sh**t them!

Okay, Guides, let 'em have it!

Geronimo!

Okay, that's it.

No more playin' around.

I don't think so, Joey.

Red, here's another piece of garbage

you can add to the pile.

Sure thing, Squatting Dog.

Okay, dirtbags, on your feet.

Remember, no smart stuff.

I got the g*n. Come on. Get up!

Come on.

Get up, get up, get up, get up.

- Wow!

- Get up, get up, get up.

- You guys okay?

- Couldn't be better, Chet.

- Thanks for coming back.

- Hey, we're Indian Guides...

and Indian Guides stick together.

That's what it's all about.

Besides, if we'd tried to

get to that ranger station...

we would've got lost

in about eight seconds.

Thanks, Lloyd.

That was a great shot.

You know, Ben, those are the weirdest

bunch of guys I ever met.

- But I like 'em.

- Yeah, they're definitely unusual.

But who wants normal anyway, right?

Uh, Ben, uh, I wanted to thank

you too, for coming back.

It was a very brave thing to do.

Well, I couldn't just let 'em k*ll you.

After all, I think my mom wants to

keep you around for a while.

And, well...

I guess I do too.

Let's go home.

So, Ben, now that we're buddies,

is it okay if I marry your mom?

Well, I don't know, Jack.

There are a few things

I need to know about you first.

Is that all you make?

It's not exactly minimum wage, Ben.

But I thought you were some big-shot

attorney for the federal government.

Well, what they don't pay in salary,

they make up for in benefits.

Which, by the way,

will come in very handy...

when they replace all the teeth

I'm gonna knock out of your little head.

Any bad habits I should know about?

Let's see. I drink milk

straight from the carton.

Sometimes I use a spoon

and put it right back in the drawer.

Any chance you might turn

into a serial k*ller...

and start boiling our

heads in acid?

Don't be silly.

I haven't done that in years.

- So, do I pass the test?

- You'll do, I guess.

Do you mind if I tell

your mother the good news?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Oh, by the way,

that thing about, uh, boiling heads?

I lied.

- Jack.

- What? Okay, I didn't lie.

No, no, come here.

Look what you've done.

Huh. It's a circle.

- Sandy!

- Mom!

- What's the matter?

- Come here. Look what Jack did.

Well, what do you know.

It's done.

♪ Love

Love ♪

- As you probably already figured out...

- ♪ Devotion

I let Jack marry my mother.

It seemed only fair after

what I put him through.

♪ Feeling ♪

Jack and I still go to Indian Guides.

- Last week we made him our new chief.

- ♪ Emotion

Next week we're making reindeer

out of clothespins.

- ♪ Don't be afraid to be weak ♪

- Mr. Sweeney is still a perfectionist.

The Indian Guides just came

out with a new handbook...

♪ Don't be too proud to be strong ♪

So he's busy memorizing that one now.

He says he's already

found two typos.

♪ Just look into your heart

my friend ♪

♪ That will be the return to yourself ♪

♪ The return to innocence ♪

Mr. Small still doesn't talk.

I haven't figured out why yet.

But when you think about it,

Darryl was right.

Who needs words anyway?

♪ The return to innocence ♪

♪ And if you want

then start to laugh ♪

♪ If you must

then start to cry ♪

♪ Be yourself

Don't hide ♪

♪ Just believe in destiny ♪

♪ Don't care what people say ♪

♪ Just follow your own way ♪

Mr. Bronski still acts like

a big kid most of the time.

But I guess just because you grow up...

that doesn't mean

you have to stop having fun.

Norman still gets stuffed into

his locker almost every day.

But with me around,

at least now he has some company.

Monroe is finally

beginning to come around.

He says he's even thinking

about joining the Indian Guides...

as long as he doesn't have to

sleep outside on the ground.

If you had told me two months ago

I'd actually enjoy being an Indian Guide...

I'd have to say you were crazy.

But it's funny

the way things turn out.

♪ That's the return to yourself

the return to innocence ♪

And my mom...

Well, I never saw her so happy.

I'll tell you,

one thing's for sure.

Jack's a really lucky guy.

But then again, so am I.

I'd like to tell you we all

lived happily ever after...

♪ The return to innocence ♪

- But it's too soon to tell.

- ♪ If you want, then start to laugh ♪

♪ If you must

then start to cry ♪

♪ Be yourself

Don't hide ♪

♪ Just believe in destiny ♪

♪ Don't care what people say ♪

I guess the lesson to

be learned from all this...

is that sometimes you

have to trust people...

♪ Just follow your own way ♪

- And hope everything works out.

- ♪ Don't give up and use the chance ♪

- ♪ To return to innocence ♪

- I mean, after all...

nothing's perfect, is it?