[audience chatters indistinctly]
[applause and cheering]
[man hoots]
[cheering increases]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow. Thank you very much.
- [cheering continues]
- Oh. [Ricky chuckles]
[chuckles]
Thank you. Okay.
[laughs]
Okay, shush.
Thank you.
Sh Uh, uh, honestly,
I'm overwhelmed, but shush.
- Thank you so much.
- [laughter]
- [whooping]
- Thank you. Um, welcome to the show.
It's great to be back
with a brand-new special.
Um, my last special only dropped
on Netflix the Christmas before last.
And in that special, I talked about
the previous special going to number one
because of all the complaints.
[laughter]
And the silly c**ts did it again. I mean
[laughter]
When will they learn?
It's like Honestly. It's
"Ban it. Ban it. Ban it from the"
- Number one, everywhere. I
- [laughter]
My name, like, trended
for three days that Christmas.
I wasn't the only comedian
who trended that Christmas.
Do you know the comedian Rosie Jones?
She's got cerebral palsy,
and she was on a a TV quiz show,
and the the trolls came out on Twitter,
going, "She's not funny."
"You're only saying that
'cause she's disabled."
"You're only defending her
'cause she's disabled." Back and forth.
But that wasn't
her biggest controversy of the year.
This is a true story.
Earlier that year, Rosie Jones
made a documentary for Channel 4
about her condition, her plight,
some of the trolling she gets,
some of the insults
she gets called, right?
And she provocatively
called the documentary,
Am I a Rtard?
- [laughter]
- Yeah. Great. Power to her, right.
Now, the people who complained
were disability campaigners.
They had a go at her.
They went, "You can't use that word."
She went, "What? Why?"
They said,
"Because you're physically disabled."
"That's a derogatory term
for people with mental disabilities."
"If you wanna use a derogatory term,
use one that describes your condition."
So basically,
Rosie Jones said, "Am I a ret*rd?"
And disability campaigners said,
"No, you're a spastic."
[laughter]
- That's That's harsh, isn't it?
- [scattered clapping]
[laughter]
I mean
It's context. She was
She was using it to empower people.
She was called that.
She didn't go, "No, that's not me."
She she sort of embraced it
and, you know, reclaimed the word.
So disability campaigners are saying,
"No, you gotta be very specific."
"Only people who are actually Ret*rded
can use the word 'ret*rd, '" right?
But who's gonna tell 'em? Who's
You know what I mean? Who's gonna
[laughter]
You're not gonna go into a room
and there's, like, Bubba sort of
[laughter]
lying on the floor, crayoning, right?
And you go, "All right, Bubba?"
He goes [nasally] "Yeah?"
Oh, no, don't. Sh. Don't, don't, don't.
- It's a tightrope. Let's leave
- [laughter]
[in own voice] He goes, "Yeah?"
You go, "You know you can say 'ret*rd'?"
"Why?"
- "Think, you thick c**t. Just think."
- [laughter]
[Ricky suppresses chuckle]
Anyway, I think she should be allowed
to use the word, in context.
If she can't use the word, then I
I've used the word now,
so I'm in trouble, again.
Actually, I didn't use the word.
This is a point I wanna make.
People say,
"Oh, he used the word so-and-so."
I didn't use the word.
Using the word
would be calling someone that word.
That's using the word.
I said the word
in a discussion about the f*cking word.
That should be allowed,
shouldn't it, amongst adults?
If there's one thing we should agree on,
whatever side
of the political fence you're on,
we should all agree that free speech
is still a really good thing.
- It always has been
- [cheering and applause]
[whistling]
and it always will be.
But now there's factions of people going,
"No, we got it wrong. We don't like it."
"We've changed our mind.
We don't like free speech anymore."
"People who want free speech,
they only want free speech
so they can go around
saying awful things."
Which just isn't true, and even if it was,
the good thing about free speech
is people can say awful things back.
It's a really good system, right?
And you can't say anything
under the laws of free speech.
That's a total misconception.
There are loads of caveats to free speech,
all of which I agree with, actually.
You can't incite violence. Good rule.
You can't slander people. Good rule.
You can't libel people, you know?
Fascinating fact about libel law.
You can't libel the dead.
So I could stand here and say,
"Gandhi used to take it up the arse."
[laughter]
If I wanted.
[laughter continues]
- Which I do. I do.
- [laughter]
[Ricky laughs]
[laughter subsides]
But free speech
is the most important human right,
from which all other rights come.
Without free speech,
you couldn't have human rights.
We've got free speech, in theory,
in this country,
for a little while longer.
We can criticize the government.
We can criticize the police.
We should give props to a country
that allows us to do that.
We're the envy of some countries.
In some countries,
you criticize the police,
you get beaten up, or worse.
You criticize the government,
you can be thrown in jail for life.
So they flee their oppression,
quite rightly. So would you.
They flee and they come here.
They go, "We wanna come to England."
We go, "Why?" They go, "Free speech."
We go, "Come on in. Welcome.
What are you gonna do now?"
"Go on a march." "What are you gonna say?"
"How sh*t England is."
- "Cheers. Thank you. Thank you."
- [laughter]
- That is their That is their right.
- [applause and whooping]
But I'm, um
I'm too old now not to say what I want.
You know? I wanna say
and do what I want all the time.
I wanna do my favorite thing all the time.
I don't even like doing
my second favorite thing
if I think I could be doing
my favorite thing, you know?
My favorite thing is play tennis.
I play every Friday. I keep Fridays free.
I look forward to it. I play tennis.
It sets me up for the week.
So if ever on a Friday
I have to do my second favorite thing,
like three weeks ago,
attend a neighbor's kid's funeral,
I'm like
[laughter]
"This is
boring."
[laughter]
But we all want respect, right?
We all want respect,
and we all wanna
raise our status in society.
We can't help that.
That's in our evolution.
That's group selected from when gossip
used to control the tribes, right?
And there's still two ways
you can raise your status in society.
One, be competent at something.
Like, "Oh, he's a good hunter.
Go with him. He's good for the tribe."
The other way you can raise your status
is have virtue.
Like, "Oh, he's not a great hunter,
but he's he's wise."
Or "kind," or whatever. You know?
And then, with the advent of social media,
people suddenly discovered
they could just say they were virtuous.
No evidence. No proof.
Just loads of flags in their bio, right?
[laughter]
And they would raise their status
by bringing other people down,
catching other people out.
"Look what he said.
He's not as virtuous as me."
"Look how good I am. Look how bad"
That's where the term
"virtue signaling" comes from.
And I hate it
when they bring their kids into it.
You can believe what you want,
have opinions what you want,
vote how you want
Go on a march. Great.
But when I see
a five-year-old holding a placard,
he doesn't know what that says.
That's the adult, you know?
I saw someone tweet this once.
Someone tweeted, um,
"My four-year-old just looked up at me
and said, 'Mummy,
why does Rishi Sunak hate poor people?'"
Never f*cking happened, right?
[laughter]
But the most annoying thing
about virtue signaling
is it's people being smug
about having the morality of the age.
You're what you're like
'cause of where you are and when you are.
Like, it's not brave of me
to be an atheist
in this country in this year.
It would have been brave 200 years ago.
Or mental.
And it'd be brave
in some other countries, or mental. Right?
But people say things like,
"Oh, I'm anti-r*cist."
"Yeah, well done. We all are."
We know that's the way to be now,
but it wouldn't have always been.
If you'd been born in a different place
or time, maybe you wouldn't have.
They go, "No, I'd have been an anti-r*cist
whenever I was born."
People say things like They go, um,
"Oh yeah, I'd have definitely
hidden Anne Frank."
Would you? Would you?
[laughter]
Anne Frank comes to your door, in the w*r.
You open it, right?
There's Nazis everywhere, right?
She goes, "Can I hide in here?"
You go, "Whoa. What"
- [splutters]
- [audience laughs]
Just facepalmed Anne Frank, like that.
[laughter]
"Whoa. Wait."
"What happens if they find you?"
"Uh, they m*rder me, and you."
"Go next door."
[laughter]
"They've got a lovely big attic,
a typewriter. You're gonna love it there."
[laughter]
But I'm anti-r*cist. Of course I am.
But I'm willing to admit
that if I'd have been born 300 years ago,
and I was white and wealthy,
I'd have probably have owned sl*ves.
Because No, 'cause
I'd be nice to 'em, so shut up.
- [laughter]
- I'd be Yeah. That's right.
I'd I'd be the best sl*ve owner
you've ever f*cking
No, I would. I'd look after
I'd dress mine well.
I'd dress my I'd dress my sl*ves
Yeah, I would.
I'd dress mine in little suits. Right?
I'd I'd go
I'd go, "Throw those dungarees away."
- "Put a little suit on."
- [laughter continues]
All the other sl*ves looking. I'd go
And I'd go And I'd go,
"Right, let's go to the pub, boys." Right?
All the "white" people would go,
"You can't take your sl*ves to the pub."
I'd go, "f*ck you, fascists. They're"
[laughter]
"They're my sl*ves.
I'll do what the f*ck I want with 'em."
[laughs]
We'd go in the pub. The barman would go,
"You can't bring them in."
I'd go, "f*ck you.
We're going to the saloon bar."
We've got little suits on.
I'm like, "You look good
in your suits, boys."
"Wear socks. We wear socks with suits."
I go I go, "I'm buying the drinks.
Put your money away."
"You haven't got any money, but you know."
And then we're just having a laugh,
teasing each other, just bants.
If one of 'em got a bit too familiar,
I would have to punish him.
- [laughter]
- Just to keep the status quo.
If he called me "gammon" or something.
Which is the only racial slur allowed now.
You can call a white person a gammon.
It's fine for some reason.
You can even be ageist.
You go, "You f*cking old gammon."
And it's totally acceptable,
for some reason.
But I'm gonna reclaim the word.
You know like Black people
have reclaimed the *-word?
I'm gonna reclaim the word "gammon."
So I'm gonna be in Carluccio's
in Hampstead, right,
with all my white friends,
and we'd just be hanging,
going, "How you doing, my gammon?"
Right? And
[laughter]
If our Black friend, Rupert, um
[laughter]
I said it was Hampstead. If If
[laughter]
If Rupert came in and went, "My gammon,"
I'd go, "You don't f*cking use that word."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
My point is, morality evolves.
It moves with the times,
like everything else. Just think of that.
In a few generations,
we've gone from owning sl*ves being legal
and respectable in the eyes of God
to a r*cist being the lowest of the low,
isn't he?
A r*cist is the worst person
in society these days.
- Actually, a pedophile is the worst.
- [laughter]
It goes pedophile, then r*cist.
A r*cist pedophile
[laughter]
is the worst per
If I met a r*cist pedophile, I'd go,
"f*ck the little Black ones too,
you bigot." You know?
- [raucous laughter]
- [Ricky chuckles]
[scattered applause]
- Don't.
- [laughter continues]
[chuckles]
[chuckles] That's fine.
That's fine. It's fine.
[laughter continues]
They [chuckles]
They won't cancel me for that.
[laughter]
They've been trying to cancel me
for about 15 years,
and they've always failed.
And often, the people trying to cancel me
have been other comedians, writing
for the posh papers, doing that thing
They always say, "He's punching down."
"Comedy should punch up.
We only punch up. We punch up."
Their idea of punching up,
they have a go at Boris Johnson.
How the f*ck is that punching up?
- You know?
- [laughter]
The c**t is learning disabled.
- He's like
- [laughter]
this f*cking waterlogged Gary Busey,
f*cking albino-egg-man thing.
He can't string a sentence together.
Have you heard him talk?
He's like [mumbles incoherently]
He's a f*cking moron, right?
- [laughter]
- I No, I punch up.
I have a go at people like,
I don't know, Stephen Hawking, right?
Yes, the greatest brain that's ever lived.
You can have a He can take it.
And he wouldn't even have minded
when he was alive, 'cause he's
He's part robot, isn't he? I think
He's basically a talking chair,
so you can say
- [laughter]
- what you want, but
And he was on Epstein's island,
apparently, so f*ck him.
- I don't
- [laughter]
What was he doing there?
Why did he want "I wanna go" "Why?"
- "Why do you" "Why?"
- [laughter]
He's just there, doing f*ck
I would go, "What?" [scoffs]
I know pedos
who'd k*ll for a ticket to that.
- [laughter]
- And he's just taking up a space.
It's probably DEI or something,
and they go, "We we need one."
Like I would go,
"What are you doing here, Steve?"
He'd go, "I'm thinking weird sh*t."
- f*ck off.
- [laughter]
That that is probably a hate crime.
- That is, isn't it?
- [laughter]
It's a big buzzword at the moment,
"hate crime."
Whatever happens, someone always goes,
"Was it a hate crime?"
"Why?" "Makes it so much worse."
Does it? Why?
If I was walking home tonight,
and someone randomly jumped me,
beat me up, mugged me,
stabbed me, threw acid in my face,
I wake up in intensive care
Beep, beep, beep.
I open my eyes through the bandages.
There's a policeman.
He goes, "Mr. Gervais?" I go, "Yeah."
He goes, "We just wanna let you know,
it wasn't a hate crime."
- I go, "Oh, thank God for that."
- [laughter]
Pretty hateful, innit? Right? Like
But no, a hate crime is something
that's based on your race,
disability, sexuality.
So a guy with a g*n,
he wants to k*ll someone at random.
He sees a crowd.
He goes, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe."
Bang. Kills someone dead.
He goes to court. The judge goes,
"Why did you k*ll that person?"
He goes, "No reason."
The judge goes, "So you're not a bigot?"
He goes, "Oh no."
Judge goes, "Aw."
[laughter]
"Ten years."
Some other guy's got a g*n. He goes,
"I f*cking hate dwarves." All right?
[laughter]
He sees a little dwarf.
He takes aim. Bang.
Kills the dwarf dead. Right?
He goes to court. The judge goes,
"Why did you k*ll that dwarf?"
He goes, "'Cause I hate the little c**ts."
- All right?
- [laughter]
Judge goes, "You're a bigot.
Twenty years."
Now, he shouldn't get more
for sh**ting a dwarf.
If anything, it's a harder shot, innit?
- [laughter and applause]
- He's done a
If I was that judge, I'd go, "Wait. What?
You shot a dwarf at 100 meters?"
"Yeah." "f*cking props. That is"
[laughter]
"Five years."
"In the army. Get him in the army."
[laughter]
I feel bad about that joke,
'cause I was reading about
the the tough time
dwarves have had through history.
In medieval times,
they used to t*rture 'em and k*ll 'em.
They used to put 'em
in barrels with spikes
and roll 'em down the hill for a laugh.
Then in Victorian times,
they'd stick 'em in the circus
and make 'em do dangerous f*cking things.
And then, as late as the 1980s,
right, I remember colleges
used to have events like dwarf-throwing,
where they were like darts on a thing.
Or dwarf bowling.
And eventually someone said,
"What the f*ck are we doing?"
"Can we stop making dwarves do sh*t
for our entertainment?"
And it stopped.
And now it's back.
Now they're in the Special Olympics.
Now they've got a Yeah.
They go They're going,
"Let's race 'em, and"
- [laughter]
- Yeah. Yeah.
They're going, "Let's throw 'em
in the water and see if they can swim."
[laughter]
They can. They can. So
[laughter subsides]
It needs a bit of work, that one.
I don't know if
- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
People don't realize
how much goes into one of these tours.
My last tour,
I did 60 new-material nights.
Then I did, like,
25 work-in-progress shows.
Then I did an 85-day arena tour
around the world, honing it all the time.
One critic, sat at his kitchen table,
said, "Lazy."
[laughter]
He called me immature and vulgar.
Four-eyed c**t.
[laughter]
I'm at that age now
where everything annoys me.
I say this once a day.
I go, "Why don't things
just f*cking work?"
You know? Whatever it is.
The remote control for the TV.
Working fine.
You go back to it.
"What what's happened
in the last f*cking ten seconds? Why"
The phone signal
where I live in Hampstead is sh*t.
I walk around the mansion going,
"Can you hear me now?"
- [laughter]
- D'you know?
If you make a phone call
in the cobbled streets of Hampstead,
you can have five bars,
having a chat, lovely.
You go one step in the wrong direction
[imitates phone beeping]
Do you know why the phone signal's
so sh*t in Hampstead?
Because everyone's posh there,
and no one wants
one of those pylons in their garden,
'cause they look sh*t and give you cancer.
But I've said to the council,
let's find a blind person
who's already got cancer
[laughter]
[scattered applause]
Put it in their garden.
Don't even f*cking tell 'em.
Don't even [chuckles]
[laughter]
But never mind inanimate objects.
People annoy me the most.
Ugh. I say this once a day as well.
I go, "There's always someone
who f*cking ruins it." You know?
Like, we were on a flight
to San Francisco a while ago,
me and Jane, right?
We took off, right?
First class. Seatbelt signs, ding.
Drinks are served. Lovely.
Then this woman, about two rows back,
she gets out her laptop.
She starts banging out
something really important.
She's wearing f*cking bangles.
They're like smashing against I
It's driving me mad.
It sounded like f*cking Morris dancing.
- [laughter]
- It was driving me
But I know it's not ill*gal.
I can't go over, "Bangle Police."
So I just have to suffer in silence
and hope we crash.
- That is
- [laughter]
That is how I get over things now.
If someone's really annoying me,
I just stare at 'em,
and I just imagine us both dead
one day, and it sort of
Here I was thinking
The pilot going, "We're going down."
The plane was going down, we're gonna die,
and I look over, and she's going, "Agh!"
and I go [cackles]
[laughter]
And the plane smashes into a mountain,
and we're all f*cking burnt,
but I live one second long enough
just to look over
and see her totally f*cked.
[laughter and applause]
[chuckles] Whatever gets you through,
you know?
[laughter subsides]
So we got to San Francisco,
and we went on a little day trip.
We went to this place called Sausalito,
this lovely little harbor town.
We're walking around, sightseeing,
but about 11:00 a.m.,
'cause of the jet lag, we were starving.
We thought, "Oh, we need lunch."
So we found this restaurant
that was open at 11:00 a.m.
Empty, of course, which is my idea
of a perfect restaurant. Empty. Right?
We sat by the window.
We were looking out over the bay.
There was a sea lion bobbing round.
A pelican landed.
The waiter brings our food.
It's Oh, it's
Then suddenly,
in all that peace and perfection,
out of the kitchen doors comes a busboy,
and he just stands
in this empty restaurant, and he goes
[snorts gruffly]
[audience groaning and laughing]
I looked at him.
I looked at Jane.
Jane didn't even look up.
She just went,
"Nothing we can do." Like that.
[laughter]
So I'm all alone, right? And the
And the sweat starts. I just get a sweat.
I go, "Okay, he's gonna do it again."
Sure enough, he [snorts] Like that.
I bang my fork against the plate,
and I just look at him.
Jane goes, "He doesn't know
why you're staring at him."
I go, "I want him to know.
To go, 'Are you okay?'"
I'll go, "Not really."
[snorts] "You keep doing that."
Jane goes, "For heaven's sake,
he's a busboy. He's at work."
"Let's just eat and go."
So meal ruined, right?
And I wasn't allowed to do anything.
So this is how I got through
the last ten minutes of that meal.
This is absolutely true.
Right? I'm eating.
Every time he went [snorts]
I went, "c**t!"
[raucous laughter]
[scattered applause and whistles]
That is what you get.
That is what you get.
[applause and whooping]
I did want this show
to be more highbrow than this.
Joking aside, I think this is my most
honest and confessional show so far.
Not in an Edinburgh-fringe type way,
you know what I mean?
"Oh, my parents died,
so I went all autistic."
- None of the
- [laughter]
None of that sh*t, right?
My parents did die,
but I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic,
'cause once,
someone gave me a Rubik's Cube,
and I put it straight in the f*cking bin.
[laughter and applause]
[Ricky chuckles]
I think that is the test.
[laughter subsides]
No, um, it's called Mortality,
but it's a it's a positive show,
um, I think, and it's
I wanna tell you
some of the things I've learned,
what it's like to be me at this age,
'cause I'm getting old now.
See? That's silence, for the first year.
Up until this year, people would go,
"You're not old." Now they go, "Go on."
Like that. It's like
In fact, they make it worse.
They say things like, "Oh yeah,
but the good thing about getting old is
you don't care
what people think about you."
Well, you should care a bit,
because caring what people think about you
is what stops you walking around
with sh*t down your trousers.
[laughter]
"Oh, look at Grandad."
"Look, he"
"He doesn't care
what people think about him."
No, he's w*nk*ng at a wedding.
He doesn't, no.
[laughter]
But, as I say,
it's a it's a positive show.
It's not all doom and gloom, getting old.
There's good and bad to getting old.
There really is.
There's good and bad to getting old.
For example, yes, there's more chance now
of me having a heart attack,
having a stroke, getting cancer,
but much less chance now
of me ever being r*ped in prison.
- [laughter]
- Yeah. See?
When I was a young man,
I thought, "f*ck, I can never go to jail,
not with this cute a*s." Right?
But now, I'd be pretty confident
I'd be left alone.
You know, like, I'd go down the corridor,
my first day,
with my little towel, whistling along.
They'd all come to the bars and go, "Ugh."
You know what I mean?
I'd spend as much time
as I wanted in the shower.
[laughter]
No one's even looking.
Not a sniff, nothing.
The big danger for me, these days,
bending over in a prison shower,
would be my back going, right?
And just crumpling to the floor
and having to be helped to my bunk
by two big, g*y rapists, and they just
- [laughter]
- put me down naked and leave.
I go, "Lads, before you go,
I've done my shoulder in."
"Can you A little tug?" All right?
They go, "Nah."
I go, "What do you mean, 'no'?
You're literally g*y rapists."
They go,
"We're not monsters."
[laughter]
I'd also be more confident going to jail
'cause I've got a bit of cash.
I reckon I could buy my way out of danger.
Like, the first day, I'd go,
"Right, who's in charge? Who's Mr. Big?"
And they'd go, "Chopper Harris, D-Wing."
So I go and see Chopper,
and I go, "Right."
I said, "Right, I'm in for a year."
There's a million pounds waiting for you
if you make sure no one beats me up,
steals my food,
no one so much as fingers me.
[scoffs, splutters]
[laughter]
I've never said that before. I've never
[laughter]
Chopper would be like,
"There's no foreplay in jail, mate."
[laughter continues]
[Ricky chuckles]
[laughter subsides]
I'm at that age
where I'm glad we haven't got
a Harold Shipman knocking round.
Do you know what I mean?
Those of you too young to know
who Harold Shipman is, right,
he is our most prolific
serial k*ller. Right?
He k*lled 300 people.
He k*lled old people. That's my point.
He'd have his eye on me.
"I'll give him a few more years."
And he was a doctor, right?
But the reason
you haven't heard of him, right,
is because he never appears in those lists
of the worst serial K*llers.
And he was, like, one of the worst ever.
But he he didn't act
like a serial k*ller. Right?
He was a GP. He was old school.
He had a little shirt and tie,
little tweed jacket,
little beard, little glasses.
He'd do house visits.
He'd go round to see Edna, 85.
"You all right, Edna?" "Yeah."
"Cup of tea?" "Yes, please."
And he'd make Edna a lovely cup of tea.
Then he'd just put in
a lethal amount of opioids, right,
and he'd just give Edna the tea
and watch her drink it
and fall asleep and die, and that was it.
He didn't even masturbate.
- You know?
- [laughter]
Yes, it is a waste, sir. Yeah.
[laughter]
You dirty b*stard.
That's
- And, um
- [laughter subsides]
They reckon he got the idea
when he was a little lad.
Harold Shipman, little Harold Shipman,
he watched his mum, dying of lung cancer,
being given morphine.
Something triggered in him. He thought,
"I'll become a doctor, and I'll do this."
I don't know whether it means
that he liked the way the morphine
put his mum out of pain,
so these were like mercy killings.
Like, you know, reliving the kindness.
Or the opposite.
He was jealous of old people
who lived longer than his mum should have.
He was punishing them.
I don't know. Doesn't matter.
Actually, it does matter,
'cause if you can really understand
why someone does something like that,
you might spot the signs in the future
and stop a crime before it happens.
I always think that
when there's a school sh**ting in America.
It's usually some emo, right, who
[laughter]
goes into a kindergarten,
kills about 30 toddlers,
turns the g*n on himself.
And all the eyewitnesses
always say the same thing.
They go, "Oh, he was a loner."
"He sat at the back."
"He was shy." "He was bullied."
Let's round those c**ts up now.
[laughter]
Do you know what I mean?
It's like, go into a school,
see who the bully's smashing up, right?
Go, "I'll take it from here, mate.
Thank you." Right?
And drag that little dweeb off
to Borstal or jail or something.
Go to the bully, "Go and find another."
You know what I mean? He's doing a
He's doing a great job.
We need more bullies.
They're beating up future child K*llers.
Every
- [snickers]
- [audience laughs]
You get obsessed with crime and punishment
as you get older.
I've always been pretty interested.
I studied philosophy at university,
and a big part of that is morality.
And, uh, I've always been
against the death penalty.
I was a young liberal,
and I was really anti the death penalty.
And now I'm an old liberal,
and I'm still anti the death penalty,
but now I love it when someone gets k*lled
doing something they shouldn't
at the time.
Like, you see a bloke in Brazil.
A hostage video.
He's got a young girl, a g*n to her head.
He goes,
"You won't take me alive, copper."
And then the marksman
just takes out his brain stem.
Oh, I love that.
Pause. Rewind. All right?
[laughter]
Or when a bullfighter gets gored to death.
That is my favorite. Right?
Particularly when the horn
goes up the arse.
- That
- [laughter]
I call that a "hole in Juan."
[laughter and applause]
Thank you. Um
No, don't. [chuckles]
[laughter subsides]
Or those those videos
coming out of "lawless" New York.
You see 'em on Instagram and YouTube.
It's someone with an iPhone.
It's got someone, he's knocking over
this little convenience store.
He's got a f*cking hoodie and a knife,
and he's nicking all the booze.
He doesn't care he's being filmed.
He's gonna get away with it.
Then, from behind the counter,
comes a little 70-year-old Korean man
who batters him to death with a broom.
I f*cking love that.
I can't wait
to be a 70-year-old vigilante.
Just walking around Hampstead
with a walking stick.
Oh, but it's a sword.
[laughter]
I'd paint it white, as well,
to look even more vulnerable. Right?
Wear dark glasses like that.
I'd see a g*ng of youths.
I'd go over to 'em and go,
"S Oh, s Excuse me, guys."
"Do you know where the Nike store is?"
"I wanna buy some Air Jordans
with all this cash."
And as they go for it,
"You little f*cking c**ts."
[laughter]
[applause]
[whooping]
But the death penalty's
not like that, is it?
It's not in self-defense.
It's not in the heat of the moment.
It's cold justice. You know?
Don't matter what you've done.
You could've m*rder*d people.
You stand trial. They find you guilty.
They put you on death row,
sometimes for 10, 15 years,
which seems unnecessarily cruel.
Then they m*rder you
in front of witnesses.
And it's from the Bible.
"An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth."
The state says, "You m*rder*d someone,
so we're gonna m*rder you."
But if you r*pe and m*rder someone,
you still only just get m*rder*d.
[laughter]
That's a loophole, innit? That's like
That smacks of misogyny to me.
That's like the judge going,
"The r*pe was free, but we're gonna"
Just once, I want the judge to go,
"You r*ped and m*rder*d someone,
so you're gonna be taken from here
to a place
where you'll be
hung by the neck and r*ped."
"What, at the same time?" "Yes, yes."
"We've got loads of volunteers
with dildos." Right?
So he sort of goes down like that,
and he goes, "Agh! f*ck off! f*ck off!"
"You c**t. You c**t."
[laughter]
"Okay, he's dead."
"Yeah, I know. I know."
[chuckles]
[audience laughs and applauds]
[whooping]
[Ricky] Oh.
[applause continues, subsides]
It might work.
[audience chuckles]
But the longer you live,
the grumpier you'll get.
It's not just me.
It's gonna happen to all of you.
'Cause the longer you live,
the more sh*t you see.
And you go,
"Oh, f*ck. This again. This again."
And the more burden you carry.
The older you get, the weaker you get,
so the burden gets heavier.
And you go, "Oh God. This again."
You can't die nowadays.
You know what I mean?
You go, "Oh, thank God. I'm dying."
Zzz! "Oh, f*ck. I'm back."
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
They can transplant every organ now.
Whatever's got
Transplant every organ.
Not your brain. That wouldn't make sense.
You are your brain.
So that would be
an everything-else transplant.
Wouldn't it? But I'd sign up for that.
I don't care about this.
It's to get this around.
If I could leave a million pounds
to science, so when I die
Supposing I died, my body's crushed,
k*lled instantly, but my head's intact.
They keep that on ice.
Wait for a body donor.
Some poor bloke gets his head crushed.
Put my head on his body,
and I'm back, aren't I?
Statistically, I will get a bigger p*nis
as well, so
[laughter]
The odds are in my favor there, trust me.
I wake up in the future, I see the scar,
and I go, "Ooh, that's all right."
I go, "You've always wanted a big knob."
"Yeah, I've always wanted a big knob."
I go, "Let's have a little bit
of me time, shall we?"
I start, but every time I look down,
I go, "That's not my knob."
You know what I mean?
I go, "Oh, that's not my knob."
- [laughter]
- "Oh, that's not my knob."
It's not my hand either.
Carry on. You know what I mean?
[laughter and applause]
[laughter subsides]
I was doing an interview a while ago.
I don't think the journalist liked me.
He asked me this question.
I thought it was rude.
So I gave a fake answer. Right?
He said, um, "So, uh, what have you
got planned for your funeral?"
And I went, "Oh, um Oh, I wanna be fed
to the lions at London Zoo."
He went, "Really?" I went, "Yeah."
I want the the zookeeper
to take out my big, fat, dead, naked,
bloated body in a wheelbarrow.
Just dump it in the lion's den,
doof, like that.
Loads of tourists going, "Is that
the bloke from The Office?" Like that.
[laughter]
And then two big lions come out
and just start eating me.
And lions, they start
with the soft bits of the body,
to get inside to the rib cage.
So they'd probably get a testicle each,
'cause that'd be the easiest available
By then, my testicles would be
about a yard apart, so they'd be easy
They'd just start eating towards me,
like Lady and the tr*mp.
Really [laughs] romantic.
So I said that, as a joke,
but he believed me.
So much so
that when he was writing up the article,
he called London Zoo
and asked them if that would be allowed.
And they said, "No, of course not." Right?
So when the article came out,
the headline was
"London Zoo refuse Ricky's request
to be fed to lions."
Like I'm a f*cking psychopath.
[laughter]
My point is, you can't worry about
what happens after you die.
Live your life. Let someone else worry.
You're dead. You've done your bit.
I know some people who really are stressed
about what happens after they die,
some religious people.
And they believe in heaven and hell
and all that.
So now they're getting a bit,
"Oh, have I been good enough?"
"I mean, heaven's great, but hell?
Oh my God. What if I go to hell?"
And I go, "There's no hell.
It's made up to frighten kids."
Like, my favorite horror film of all time
is still the original Exorcist. Right?
First time I saw it, on VHS, right,
I was blown away.
I watched it again straightaway.
I loved it.
There's a bit in that
that's meant to be really poignant.
And I laughed the first time I saw it,
because it was the idea of the devil
being this crass and childish.
You know the bit.
The little girl's possessed by the devil.
They're doing an exorcism.
And they're throwing holy water on her.
She's hissing.
They're going,
"The power of Christ compels you."
"The power of Christ compels you."
And at one point, the devil makes the girl
turn her head round and he makes her say,
"Your mother sucks c*ck in hell." Right?
[laughter]
And the bloke, she says
He's devastated. He's He's like
'Cause he's thinking,
"Oh, that's the real devil,
so he knows, so it's true."
"My poor mother's sucking c*ck in hell."
[laughter]
If scientists actually found the devil
I was wrong. There is a devil.
They found the devil.
They they tested him.
It was peer-reviewed.
It won the Nobel Prize
for f*cking everything,
'cause it would be
the greatest discovery of all time.
And I'd look at the science.
I'd be mind-blown.
But I'd go, "You gotta follow the science,
so, yeah, I believe in the devil."
It wouldn't even be belief.
It would be knowledge. I'd wanna meet him.
If the devil actually existed,
I'd wanna see it for my
As long as I was safe. I don't know
what makes you safe from the devil.
But if he existed,
we'd find out, wouldn't we? We'd
Like, vampires live forever,
but now we know
a bit of garlic really f*ck 'em up.
So we'd discover something.
Like if you put a devil in a cage
with a sprig of parsley on top,
he's weak or something, right?
And I'd meet the devil, right,
and I'd go for an aud He'd be there.
I'd go, "Are you the devil?"
He'd go, "Yeah."
Then he'd try to hurt my feelings.
And that was his best shot?
And he went, "Rick." I'd go, "What?"
He goes, "Your mother
sucks c*ck in hell."
I'd go, "Pfft. I don't care. I don't"
One, she's dead.
Two, she was heterosexual.
Three, she never had her teeth in
towards the end, so
- [laughter]
- No.
But it But it's hell.
Think of all the terrible things
that could be happening to her.
Being r*ped by red-hot pokers.
Rats eating her eyes.
My mum gets c*ck duty. Go on, girl.
- That's gotta That
- [laughter]
That has gotta be
one of the better jobs in hell.
It's like Terrible job on earth.
I've never sucked a c*ck in my life.
I never will.
But if I died, and I woke
"f*ck. I'm in hell."
Tortured for eternity.
I'd see the first c*ck.
I'd go, "I'm on this."
[laughter]
"Not a problem. Not a problem."
I'd be looking round,
seeing people skinned alive, I'd go
I'd chow down.
I'd f*cking Like that. I'd
I'd be looking over at the big man, going,
"I'm doing a great job. Leave me on this."
- [mutters]
- [audience laughs]
And then [chuckles]
There's the devil with a clipboard,
looking a bit confused, thinking,
"No one's ever gone
straight for the c*ck, but, uh"
And he goes, "Okay. Carry on." I'll go
What if he then went,
"I mean, I did have you down for ironing"?
I'd go, "f*ck. I could"
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
"Oh, I"
"Oh, I could have been ironing."
[laughter continues]
[Ricky chuckles]
Who's getting their c*ck sucked in hell?
That's what I wanna know.
'Cause we're there for punishment,
and that's a little treat.
It's like, I'd be there, right, thinking
Feeling a bit smug. Right?
I'm thinking, "This is great."
Not great, but I'd be
[laughter]
But the devil's a trickster.
One day, I'd go,
"I wonder whose c*ck this is." I look up.
"Oh, it's f*cking Hitler."
- "I'm f*cking"
- [laughter]
"I'm f*cking sucking Hitler's c*ck."
How is this all right,
to do this in public?
Because if I followed
one of you home tonight
and I shouted through your letterbox,
"Sucking f*cking Hitler's c*ck in hell,"
you'd call the police.
- But you've paid to hear me say this sh*t.
- [laughter]
- [applause]
- f*cking hell.
[Ricky groans]
- [applause continues]
- [Ricky groans]
[cheering and whistling]
[applause subsides]
I'll tell you what's very popular,
um, uh, in England at the moment,
and in America, particularly California.
Um, mental illness.
Oh, it's taken off.
It's taken off a treat.
When when I was at school,
you were either thick or clever,
normal or mental, right?
Now there's, like,
a thousand new mentals. Right?
It used to be a stigma.
People would go, "I'm not mental."
Now people go, "I'm mental."
You know? They wanna "I'm mental."
It's like, everyone I know in media
is ADHD.
They go, "I'm ADHD." "I'm ADHD."
"Yeah, so am I. I'm ADHD."
"Take the test?" "Yeah, five times."
"Passed it on the fifth."
"Oh, well done." Right?
And it's like They
"I'm writing a song about it."
"I'm writing a poem."
"I'm writing a book."
"Oh, well done. Yeah."
And they brag about it.
They put it in their CV and in their
It's got "disorder" in it.
When did we start bragging
about having a disorder?
Twenty years ago, you wouldn't
have got given a business card,
and it said, "Ron Pike, a**l warts."
- You know, just
- [laughter]
Keep it to yourself. No one cares.
I think I think
the new pandemic amongst the youth
is gonna be fear and anxiety,
'cause now we've had a whole generation
who grew up with social media.
Instant gratification.
Doesn't build character.
They're not socialized properly.
They can't deal face-to-face with people
'cause they're used to hiding
behind an identity and an avatar.
And now they've got teachers and parents
enabling their mental illness,
as opposed to trying
to snap 'em out of it.
Now they fear the thing they once loved.
They're worried about the Internet and AI.
Young people are really worried
about artificial intelligence.
And I say this about AI.
If it starts becoming a burden,
switch it off, right?
Like we did Nan.
- And
- [laughter]
Another big fear amongst the youth
is climate change.
They're really worried
about global warming.
I looked into it,
and if the polar ice caps completely melt,
the sea level will go up
about 60 meters around the world.
So all coastal areas
will be affected a bit,
but the real devastation,
the real loss of life,
will be in places like China and India.
So relax. It's
[laughter]
It's fine.
But we, um We all suffer
from a bit of mental illness.
We're all on the spectrum, aren't we?
All got a bit of OCD or anxiety.
Like, I'm a hypochondriac, right?
Every morning, I wake up
and I think, "What's wrong?"
I go, "What's that?
That wasn't there yesterday."
"That wasn't What's that?"
And I google it. I think, "What could"
And I catastrophize as well.
So I google it,
and the first five or six I'm fine with.
Like, it goes, "Could be anxiety."
"Yeah, could be."
"Lack of sleep." "I didn't sleep well."
"Lack of fiber." "I'll have more."
"Lack of vitamin B." "I'll get a"
I keep pushing,
and it goes, "Could be cancer."
I go, "It's cancer.
It's cancer." Like that.
Once I came out of the bathroom and went,
"Jane, I think I've got bowel cancer."
She went, "We had beetroot last night."
I go, "Oh yeah. Cheers."
- [audience laughs]
- [snickers]
[Ricky chuckles]
[laughter subsides]
[Ricky] I wanna end with
a couple of true stories, if I may. Um
And, uh, as I said,
I think this is my most honest
and confessional show so far,
so I wanna talk about something
I haven't talked about before,
and that's to give you
a glimpse behind the curtain
of the Golden Globes.
And, um
- [cheering]
- Thank you. I, uh
[audience whistling]
I last hosted the Golden Globes in 2020.
It was the fifth time
over a ten-year period.
I liked 'em more and more.
The last one was my favorite.
'Cause the world changed
in that ten years.
The first time I hosted 'em
in, like, 2010,
the press of America f*cking
they hated me.
"Who is this annoying Brit, insulting
the most important people on the planet?"
By the last time I hosted, they were like,
"Yeah, go on, f*ck 'em. f*ck 'em."
[laughter]
Because ordinary people
had got sick and tired
of being lectured
by these multi-millionaire
Nothing wrong with that. These
[laughter]
[chuckles] liberal-elite entertainers
telling them how to vote
and how to recycle,
when everyone knew they were getting
free jet rides to Pedo Island.
So it it really hit the zeitgeist.
It was always the same deal.
"Do you wanna host?"
I said, "Yeah, I'll host."
"But I'm gonna write all my own jokes,"
which was unheard of.
"I'm gonna write my own jokes,
and I'm not gonna rehearse,
so you can't hear the jokes beforehand,
and you can't cancel any."
And they let me do that.
I did have to show a lawyer the jokes
about an hour before
to make sure I hadn't broken any laws.
I never had. I know the law.
Sometimes the lawyer would go,
"Are you sure you wanna say that?"
And I'd go, "Is it legal?"
They'd go, "Yep, technically."
I'd go, "Let's do it."
I've never had a joke stopped
by the Golden Globes.
That says something about them,
to be fair.
- So, um, anyway
- [applause]
Thank you, um
[cheering and applause]
This last time, they said,
"Oh, you've gotta see the lawyer
the day before now."
I went, "Okay, great."
So I was driven
to the Beverly Hills Center,
and they're all setting up.
The photos of the A-listers
are all in their chairs.
I go, "Oh, there's Brad. There's Leo.
There's Bob." All this, right?
And this big guard showed me to this room.
He opened the door and shut it behind me.
And I looked, and there were, suddenly,
ten lawyers in suits. Uh
It was usually, like,
this middle-aged woman in a jumper.
And I thought, "What the f*ck's happened?"
I think [gasps]
"Is it 'cause it's my last time?
They're making sure I don't say anything"
And they were they were there,
and I went, "Hi." They went, "Hi."
I said, "Shall I do the monologue?"
They went, "Please."
Tough crowd, right?
[laughter]
So I had the monologue.
And I was going through it.
It was, like, seven or eight minutes long.
So I was doing the jokes,
and after each joke, I sort of looked up,
and they were going like that,
making notes.
A couple of the younger ones
were going [snickers] Like that.
And, uh, I got to the end,
and I went, "Uh, that's it."
And they went, "Uh, good."
I went, "Oh, great." They went, "Yeah."
And then the head lawyer,
he was about 60 years old,
he had white hair,
he went, "Oh yes, there was one thing."
Now, I did this joke.
I don't know if you remember.
Uh, it went, "The world got to see
James Corden as a fat p*ssy."
[laughter]
"He was also in the movie Cats,
but no one saw that."
- [laughter]
- And it goes on.
At one point, I go, "But Dame Judi Dench
said it was the role
she was born to play."
"'Cause she loves nothing better
than plonking herself down on the carpet,
lifting her back leg,
and licking her own minge."
[laughter]
So this lawyer went
He said, um This is all true, by the way.
He went, "When you say
James Corden is a fat p*ssy,
that's just referring
to his role in Cats, right?"
I went, "Yeah."
[laughter]
"Yeah, definitely." Like that.
And he went, "Okay, great."
- [laughter]
- [snickers] I thought, "This is easy."
You know? It's, uh
I wanted to go,
"Call yourself a lawyer?" Right?
And that was it. And they went,
"Have a great show," and I left.
And as I was leaving,
I saw one of the other lawyers lean in
and show this head lawyer his iPhone.
And the head lawyer went, "Oh yeah."
He went, "Sorry, Ricky.
Can you come back?"
So I'm there. I went, "Yeah."
So he had the phone there.
They'd looked up the word "minge."
[laughter]
I thought I'd gotten away with it.
It's now like I'm getting told off.
And the head lawyer said,
"It says here that the word 'minge'
is a derogatory term
for female genitalia."
I went, "Well, yeah, it's a a slang word
for 'vag*na' in England."
"You don't use it here."
He went, "No, we don't,
but we go out around the world,
and with due diligence,
now we know it's derogatory,
we'll have to bleep that word live."
I went, "Don't bleep the word.
People at home won't know what I've said."
"It'll ruin"
I said, "It's literally the punchline."
He said, "If it's derogatory, we have to."
I said, "Well, what word could I use
that you wouldn't bleep?"
And he went,
"Um, well, you could say 'vag*na.'"
I went, "I'm not saying 'vag*na.'" Right?
Nothing funny about It's so clinical.
I was thinking
of Judi Dench at home going,
"Why is he talking
about my actual vag*na?" Right?
[laughter]
I said, "'Minge' isn't like that.
It's like It's not so specific."
'Cause "vag*na" is so
"Where's your vag*na?" "There." Right?
[laughter]
"Where's your minge?"
"There." It's like
[laughter]
One of the younger lawyers went,
"What about 'box'?"
I went, "I'm not f*cking saying 'box.'"
"Imagine her licking her own box."
I said, "'Minge' is perfect."
I said, "People won't know what"
"If they're American, they won't know
It's not offensive. It's like"
I said, um,
"Kids use the word in England." [chuckles]
[laughter]
Right? They weren't having it.
So I went I said,
"What about 'flange'?" Right?
So they looked up
the word "flange." Right?
He went, "That'd just be confusing,
'cause in America,
a flange is a part of a sink unit."
I went, "Oh, well"
I said, "Please let me say 'minge'
and don't bleep it."
I was really rooting for "minge," right?
It was like 12 Angry Men. I was going,
"No one's leaving till I can say 'minge.'"
[laughter]
After about ten minutes, I wore them down.
Whatever they said, "That won't work."
I was going, "Please."
I said, "I'll write the
You won't get any complaints." All this.
And eventually, the head lawyer went,
"Okay, you can say 'minge.'"
I went, "You won't bleep it?"
He went, "No."
I went, "You promise?" He went, "Yes."
And I left. I knew they would.
And they f*cking did, right?
So when I said "minge,"
I pointed.
[laughter]
[applause]
The most frequently asked question I get
about the Golden Globes is always,
"Was someone so angry about what you said,
they came up to you afterwards"
I always go, "Oh God, no."
I wouldn't even say if that had happened,
'cause I don't really
I don't like gossip,
to be honest. Right? Um
There was one guy
I thought took it the wrong way, right?
It wasn't a bad No.
The cameras went to him,
and I'm not in control of the cameras.
He was caught in the headlights.
It was Elton John, right?
But, um, it wasn't a bad joke.
I was introducing Madonna, okay?
And I later found out
that him and Madonna were in this feud
and he hated being mentioned
in the same sentence as her.
But I didn't know at the time.
I was confused.
And it wasn't part of the monologue,
but I'm there for, like, three hours,
and now and again,
the stage manager would go,
"You wanna introduce so-and-so?"
I'd go, "Yeah."
I'd come out,
and I either do it straight or I ad-lib.
And this was a little ad-lib,
'cause I saw Elton in the front row.
Uh, so this was the joke.
I came out, and I said,
"Uh, our next presenter
is the Queen of Pop."
"Not you, Elton. Sit down." Right?
[laughter]
It went to him.
He went [mimics fake laugh]
And I was going,
"Oh, f*ck. He hated that."
And I was thinking, "Why has he
Oh God. Does he think I'm h*m*?"
"I'm not h*m*."
There's all this in my head.
Then I thought,
"He must have heard worse." Right?
In the 1980s, right,
when Elton John was in the closet
He wasn't out.
He was married to a woman. Right?
He was also chairman
of Watford Football Club.
And he and his then wife would go along
and watch Watford play,
and the entire crowd would sing,
"Don't bend down when Elton's around
or you might get a willy up your arse."
[laughter]
Which puts my little quip
into perspective, doesn't it?
I don't know how football fans know
how to start at the right time,
in the same key.
Do they hand out sheet music
before a f*cking
We're doing "Willy Up The Arse" in C.
[laughter]
Jeff's doing a solo. It's like And
What they do, they get a traditional tune,
so everyone knows it,
and change the lyrics.
Some genius changes the lyrics, right,
to be as offensive about someone
or something or somewhere or whatever.
So the tune they used to use,
I remember it,
it was that old c*ck knees-up song.
My old man said follow the van
And don't dillydally on the way
Do you know that one?
Remember the term "dillydally"?
They use it very creatively
in their version, right?
So this was their lyric. It was the '80s.
It's not politically correct. I apologize.
They're football hooligans.
What are you gonna do?
So let's let's analyze
their genius lyrics, right?
This is what they used to sing.
Don't bend down when Elton's around
Or you might get a willy up your arse
I mean, you might.
- [laughter]
- I dunno. Not necessarily his.
But, you know, mathematicians amongst you
would have to go, "There's a slight"
Like, if a thousand people bent down
when Elton was around,
one of 'em might randomly
Someone might come off a bicycle
and go, "Sorry."
And they're like, "Oh, f*ck."
And the scientists would go, "One."
Do you know what I mean? There's a slight
Also, "When Elton's around."
That's ambiguous. That could fit
Like, you could have two gentlemen
having a**l sex in a hotel room.
Then, the next day,
they find out that Elton John
was staying in the next room.
They go, "Oh, I got a willy up the arse
when Elton was around." You know?
[laughter]
I'll give 'em that. Anyway.
Don't bend down when Elton's around
Or you might get a willy up your arse
He has the nerve to call us "dear"
We all know he's a f*cking q*eer
- Sorry. Right?
- [laughter]
Then it goes
He dallies and dillies
They've reversed it. Why?
He dallies and dillies
He plays with people's willies
[laughter]
Again, I don't know
what "play with" means in this context.
It could be like [imitates car engine]
It could be anything, couldn't it?
[laughter]
[imitates car engine]
"I thought you were gonna suck it." "No."
[laughter]
He dallies and dillies
He plays with people's willies
He's up every arse in town
I'd stop 'em there. I'd go, "No."
That is That is provably false.
He's not up every arse in town, is he?
We can prove that. Right?
Take a small town. Take Watford.
120,000 people.
He is not up 120,000 arses, is he?
I mean, half of them are women,
so 60,000 tops. Right?
I don't think he's been up 60,000.
If he has, good luck to him.
But that's not my point. This is my point.
It What did his then wife think of that?
'Cause he's in the closet, right?
It He's You know?
And she's just married Elton John.
She couldn't be She's in love.
She's so proud of him. Elton John.
And he's chairman of Watford.
She goes, "I'm married to Elton John,
the pop star."
And then the entire crowd sing,
"Don't bend down when Elton's around
or you might get a willy up your arse."
She must have gone,
"Why are they singing that, Elton?"
And he goes, "I don't f*cking know.
Watch the game."
You know what I mean?
It must have been awkward.
That's nearly it for me, but I've just
I said earlier, I've never had a joke
stopped by the Golden Globes.
That is absolutely true,
but I've just remembered a joke
that I stopped myself,
'cause I bottled it a bit, and I wanna
I think I was being overcautious.
I wanna share it with you.
So I got the chance
to introduce Jason Momoa.
Do you know who Jason Momoa is?
Yeah, right?
So I thought the meta joke would be
to show my hypocrisy and my cowardice.
Like, I I I'm okay to slag off actors.
Who's scared of actors?
But when it comes to a big dude,
I'm not so brave.
So I was gonna go,
"I've got nothing bad to say
about our next presenter,
'cause he's got a c*ck
like a baby's arm," right?
[laughter]
I told my mate I was gonna do that,
and my mate went
[inhales] "Do you think
people'll think that's r*cist?"
I went, "Why is it r*cist?"
He went, "Well,
'cause he's a person of color, and"
I went, "It's nothing to do with that."
"It's to do with the fact that he's so big
that he'd probably have
a c*ck like a baby's arm, right?"
So I didn't do it,
and I had a great follow-up.
I'll tell you the whole thing.
This is what I was gonna do.
Right, so I go out and go,
"I've got nothing bad to say
about our next presenter
'cause he's got a c*ck like a baby's arm."
"Unlike Peter Dinklage,
who's got an arm like a baby's c*ck."
[laughter]
[applause and cheering]
It's great to hear
this sort of laughter again.
You probably don't notice it
as much as comedians,
but we've had a really weird ten years,
where we're really second-guessing,
going, "Is that okay?"
Someone People could
find anything offensive.
But we pushed back, and we won,
so f*ck 'em.
- Um
- [cheering]
[applause and whistling]
Until the next time. They haven't gone.
They're just licking their wounds.
They'll be back with something madder.
But remember who it is next time.
It's always, like,
these sort of educated, middle-class,
privileged, um, elitist sort of people
telling ordinary working-class people
what they can and can't do
and say and laugh at,
not realizing how important comedy is
to ordinary people.
When I was a kid
growing up in Reading with nothing,
humor was like a lifesaver.
It was like a superpower, right?
Not a real one, like flight,
but you know what I mean?
You ask anyone their superpower,
I reckon seven out of ten
will say "flight,"
and three will go "super strength"
or something, which is great.
If you're a superhero, flying around,
being super strong, great.
But sooner or later,
a supervillain will go,
"Look at that c**t. I'm gonna"
[laughter]
"I'm gonna get him and m*rder him." Right?
My superpower, they wouldn't even know
it was me doing it.
They wouldn't even know
there was a superpower being used.
It would get you out of any situation.
My superpower would be the ability
to make anyone instantly
sh*t themselves.
[laughter]
You're getting mugged at knifepoint.
They go, "Give me your wallet."
You just go They go, "f*ck."
"Oh, f*ck."
Game over. It's game over.
[laughter and applause]
That's another thing I'm very proud of.
I can honestly say, in all my 64 years,
I have never shat myself once, so, um
- [cheering and applause]
- No, don't applaud. No.
[laughs] No! Right.
Yeah. [exhales]
"Why do you like London so much, Rick?"
'Cause you get a round of applause
for not sh1tting yourself.
- [laughter]
- [man cheers]
Right.
But that's the next phase now. The next
I reckon it's the next ten years
that I will
But as of now,
my arsehole has never let me down.
Very underrated, the human arsehole.
Everyone goes, "The human brain,
the greatest computer known to man."
"Oh, the human liver
can regenerate itself."
Your arsehole is working 24-7.
Even when you're asleep, it's like that.
"You're not coming out."
"You're not coming out.
You're not coming out."
[laughter]
"No."
"You're not coming out.
And you're not coming in."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
[chuckles]
'Cause it's like
it's like a sewer in there, innit?
But you've got a lovely
little manhole cover.
Think of that in real life.
Walking along a pavement.
If that burst
And you know what's in a sewer, don't you?
Piss and sh*t
and c*m and
[laughter]
dead goldfish.
[laughter]
- Fetuses.
- [groaning]
In China.
Just the
Just the girl ones. Relax. Just
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
I'm at that age now as well,
'cause I'm in entertainment,
people say,
"Are you gonna have a facelift?"
I go, "No."
Have you seen facelifts?
They're still just that. You know?
You go to the doctor, and the doctor goes,
"Do you wanna look old or Chinese?"
- It's like
- [laughter]
Nothing wrong with looking Chinese,
if you're Chinese.
If you're not Chinese, it's a bit weird.
It's offensive. Why is that allowed?
You're not allowed to black up.
Why can you do that?
[laughter]
Maybe there are terms and conditions
to make sure you're never that r*cist.
The doctor goes,
"Right, we've done the eyes,
but never leave the house
in a little lampshade because" [snickers]
[laughter]
[chuckles] Oh, so childish.
It's so childish.
I hope you agree it was a positive show.
It wasn't about death. It was about life.
Some people are so worried about dying,
they forget to live.
Some people are so scared to do stuff.
They go, "No, that's dangerous."
All the most fun things are dangerous.
Roads are dangerous.
Alcohol is dangerous. Alcohol is a poison.
I should know. I sell it. Dutch Barn.
- Right, so Yes.
- [laughter]
Like, alcohol gives you brain disease,
liver disease, kidney disease,
heart disease, mental illness,
but it does loosen you up at parties, so
[laughter]
Think of all the babies
born through alcohol. Yeah.
Many of them deformed
if the mother carried on drinking.
But the good thing
about being born deformed is,
um, you [chuckles]
- [laughter]
- Yeah.
Hear me out.
[chuckles] The good thing
about being born deformed is
you can start drinking
at a much younger age
and no one gives you You know?
You see a normal kid drinking,
you go, "You little b*stard."
You see a deformed kid drinking,
you go, "Yeah, go on." You know?
You know what I mean?
You're eight or nine.
You've had 27 painful operations.
You've met Olly Murs.
Have a drink, you know?
[laughter]
[chuckles] Well
[scattered clapping]
As you can see,
I've run out of quality material, um
[laughter]
But you've been absolutely amazing.
Thank you and good night.
[cheering and applause]
[whistling]
[whooping]
[cheering and applause continues]
[cheering and applause subsides]
[audience chatters indistinctly]
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Ricky Gervais: Mortality (2025)
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