Dad, you have
The coolest job.
Well, sometimes I think
I should be hanging out
With a better class
Of animals.
Oh, come on!
Hey, have some class,
Will ya?
We got mixed company
Down here.
You know, dad,
Genetically speaking,
Monkeys are
Our first cousins.
You mean...
Uncle bob's kids?
Yeah. I suppose
I'd agree with that.
No, I'm serious. Actually,
Some scientists say
That monkey diets are much
More evolved than our own.
Oh, this is all about
Diets again, huh?
I'm just saying
It wouldn't hurt you
To eat more fruits
And vegetables
Like monkeys do.
Honey, the reason
That monkeys
Eat so many fruits
And vegetables
Is because they're
Not smart enough
To butcher a cow.
Your mother,
God bless her soul,
Didn't believe
The old-fashioned ideas
About nursing,
Breast-feeding and all that.
Uh-uh. You were fed
Cheeseburgers as a baby.
Now look at you.
You're as big as a house.
You're as strong as a bull.
You smell like a cow.
Your cholesterol's
Probably a little high,
But, you know, they have
Medicine for that now.
You can get an angioplasty,
Get it all cleared out.
You're doin' great,
Honey.
All right. I'll start
Workin' out tomorrow.
Start taking better care
Of myself, ok?
So does that mean you'll go
On the school hike with me?
First things first.
Eat your lunch.
Talk about it later.
Hey--gimme that egg,
Pal.
Gimme the egg, friendly.
Come on!
Dad! Dad, stop it!
What are you doing?
Hey, that's my egg!
Gimme that--
Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
It's just an egg, dad!
Ok. Now I gotta
Choke ya.
Aha!
Ha! Now who's evolved?
What's
The matter, buddy?
All that salad
Slow you down?
Huh?
Dad!
That's filthy!
Honey, 10-second rule.
Hits the ground,
You pick it up within
10 Seconds, you can eat it.
Ugh!
Dispatcher, over radio:
Saliva one, what do you got?
Pilot: we have
A 2-20 on an egg.
Echo gamma-gamma.
Over.
Any mayo?
That's affirmative.
We'll try and look
In the bowels.
We need that mayonnaise.
Over.
Enzyme breakdown in 10.
Be careful out there.
You know, when I was
A rookie cell,
This place was clean enough
To eat out of. Look at it now!
Jeez! What a disgrace.
See anything, kid?
Mmm. I do.
Nice genes!
You got the chromosomes
In all the right places!
Jones...
What? Ain't nothing
A toothbrush can't handle.
I wish you'd take this job
A bit more seriously.
Yo! You see this badge?
You see this g*n?
You see this gooey,
White, sackus, membranous
Around my personhood?
Here we go again.
Well, you dealin' with
A white blood cell here!
I should be out in the veins
Fightin' disease,
Not in the mouth
On tartar control!
You're lucky
You ain't in a scab.
Uh-oh. Looks like we got
Some germs on that egg.
Mmm, baby,
It's ozzy time!
It's probably gingivitis.
Don't get carried away.
Pilot, over radio: halt. You
Have entered the city of frank.
Put your hands up
And surrender for digestion.
Saliva one requesting
Ground support. Over.
Bicuspid four.
We're in the vicinity.
We're on it.
Pilot: this is
A private organism.
There is no use running.
You up spit creek
Without a paddle.
Don't make me mad,
'Cause I will turn into
A germicidal maniac.
Halt. Saliva patrol.
Ooh!
Ah!
Son of a botulism!
They swiped the patrol car!
Get outta here!
Oh! Uh-oh, you done
Done it now!
Aah!
Aah!
Holy frank!
He's about to yawn!
We're getting sucked in!
I told city hall
We need more sleep!
Aah!
Hold tight, kid.
Osmosis jones
To dispatch.
We got multiple germs--
I repeat--multiple germs
Coming down the windpipe,
And if these bad boys
Hit the bloodstream,
We're gonna be illin'!
I'm talkin' nose drippin',
Chicken soup drinkin',
Rectal thermometer
Stickin' illin'!
Chief, listen to this.
Aah!
Aah!
Ha ha ha-ha!
So, you got plans
For the weekend, kid?
Oh, yeah.
Me and my girlfriend
Are goin' down to the kidneys
To see the stones.
Good for you. They could
Pass any day now.
Dispatcher: all units
Down to the stomach.
Be on the lookout
For ill*gal organisms.
Jones! You wanna keep
Your job?
Stay where you are
And wait for backup.
But I can get 'em!
I said stay put.
Over.
Pilot: you heard the chief.
We're out of
Our jurisdiction.
It's immunity's
Problem now.
We'd better get back
Up to the mouth.
What the--hey, jones!
Chief, you're gonna
Thank me for this later.
Don't even think
About it, pal.
Aren't you in enough
Trouble already?
Jones!
Aah!
Ah--oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Slow down! Slow down!
Hey, hey, hey! Wait--
Wait a--wha--what the--
Hey, stretch,
Shouldn't you be
Up in the mouth?
Aw, come on, guys.
This is my bust.
I saw 'em first.
Aah!
Whoa!
* Now in the street,
There is violence *
* And a lots of work
To be done... *
You want osmosis,
You got osmosis.
Oh!
* Oh oh
* We gonna rock down to...
Bye-bye, cop!
Ah ha ha ha!
Sorry, baby, but it's time
You take your medicine!
Always pulls
To the right!
Yaaaah!
Aah!
Oh! Oh!
Dad, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
Oh, it's a cramp!
Aah!
Aah!
Officer down!
Oh, these stairs are
Killin' me, honey.
We may have to move.
But dad,
There's only 4 steps.
If you love it here...
I'll build a ramp.
Ah...
Sewage worker #1:
I can't believe it.
It's been 3 hours
Since lunch,
And we're still
Cleaning up this egg.
Oh, man, would you look
At all that gunk?
Ha ha ha.
Seriously...
What does this guy do,
Roll his food around
On the ground before he eats it?
We need to send a letter
To the mayor
About washing our hands
Before we eat.
Yeah, like he's gonna
Listen to us.
Hey, cells vote, man.
Cells vote.
Ah...
Ha ha. Got you,
You little--
Aah!
A
W-what's goin' on
Over there?
Artie?
Artie?
Huh?
Holy spit!
Careful...
I'm contagious.
Ow...
Oh--oh--
Aah!
I think I'll turn up
The heat in here.
...is not available.
Hold.
One moment.
I'm connecting.
Mr. Mayor, mr. Mayor,
Do you have a plan
To deal with the fat cell
Housing shortage?
I'd like to announce
We're beginning construction
On a--ha ha--third chin.
Mr. Mayor,
We're having jock itch!
Any comments
On today's cramp?
What do you have to say
To all the hair cells
Recently laid off
From the scalp?
There'll be plenty
Of new jobs for everyone
On the back.
What do you think of
Frank's daughter's request
For better nutrition?
85% Of red blood cell
Children
Don't even know
How to carry oxygen.
People, people,
You worry too much!
The body
Is in perfect shape.
Ha ha ha ha.
No more questions.
Thank you.
Do they know
How hard I work?
No. No. Nobody cares.
Mr. Mayor, i--
Not now, leah.
I have a body to run.
I've got tom colonic's
New campaign ad.
Oh? Let's go.
Put it on.
Announcer: the following is
A paid political announcement.
The bowels.
Didn't always
Smell this way.
No. There was a time
When eating right and exercise
Kept this whole area
A vital center of activity.
But during
Mayor phlegmming's term,
We've seen rot and stagnation
Paralyze this neighborhood
As well as the colon
And the sphincter.
Well, I think it's time
We get things moving again.
I'm tom colonic. As mayor,
I would set long-term goals
That include ordering salads
And eating bran.
Mayor phlegmming may think
That things are fine
Just the way they are.
Blah, blah, blah.
But I think that
If we pull together
And put in
A little hard work...
A new frank could be
Right around the corner.
Oh, uh...
Mr. Colonic,
What's that smell?
Ha ha.
Why, that's the smell
Of change, billy.
That's the smell of change.
Announcer: paid for
By colonic for mayor.
Can you believe
Those lies?
Sir, he's got a point.
When I came to work for you,
You promised you
Would concentrate more
On health issues.
Leah, I want frank
To be healthy,
But think of the sacrifices,
The hard work,
The lack of potato chips!
That's not what the voters want.
Then why are you behind
In the polls?
Don't you worry
About the polls.
I have a plan that's gonna
Flush colonic down the toilet.
Honey!
Shaaane!
Coming.
You ok?
Where does it hurt?
Leg.
Here?
Leg.
Here?
Leeeeeeeg!
Oh! Oh, oh.
Oh, here.
Here.
I just needed
Some sodium.
I think that's what
Made me cramp up.
Heads up!
Chicken goin' down
Rough!
Chicken goin' down
Rough!
Now what?
Sir, turn on
The optical feed.
Let me take a look
At that, dad.
Open wide.
Open wide. Ahh.
Ahh!
Could you swallow first,
Please?
Ow!
Ahh...
Ahh...
Definitely red.
Are you ordering
Out?
No. I'm making you an
Appointment to see the doctor.
Sick? We're not
Getting sick!
We have far too
Much planned!
Ooh!
Sir, you can't go
Into override
Without a vote
From city council.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yes, my dear.
Voice manual control on.
Hey, that's only
For emergencies.
Leah, this is an emergency.
Into microphone:
On second thought...
On second thought...
Mayor: perhaps
I'll take a cold pill.
Perhaps I'll take
A cold pill.
Receptionist, on phone:
Dr. Watkin's office.
Uh, sir...
Thank you, leah.
Now get me the chief on
The phone. There's a good girl.
"Drixenol."
Yes?
I caught this one
With 6 micrograms
Of stolen adrenaline.
It's not mine. I swear
I was holding it for my cousin.
Oh, yeah. I never heard
That one before.
Take him to lockdown.
Next!
Hey, hey, hey.
It's the germinator!
Ok, guys,
You got me there.
Let's save a little for
The criminals, all right?
Jones, when was the last time
You caught anything?
Hey, hey. You shoulda
Seen this thing.
This ain't no ordinary
Household germ.
This thing's bigger
Than all of us.
This thing isn't even
From frank's body.
It's like a al roker germ,
Heavy d germ!
Cop: you talkin'
About this?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, uh...you know,
He's slouching
Right now.
Jones!
In my office!
Chiefy
Don't chiefy-weefy me!
Have you seen the headlines?
The papers are calling it
The most powerful cramp
Since shane made us try
That tae-bo workout!
Hold on a second--
I told you to stay put.
I told you to wait
For backup!
But once again, you had
To do it your own way!
Man, I was right there!
I coulda done it--
Right! 78 Trillion cells
In the body,
All working together...
You're the only one who thinks
He can do it alone!
You ever think that might
Be your problem, jones?
What?! Oh, hello, mr. Mayor.
The missus? Oh, she's great.
Yes. Uh--you're kidding, sir.
I'll put a man
Right on it, sir. Yes, sir.
Stupid political decisions!
Now where was i?
You were just
Starting to say
How you were
Giving me a promotion
To head of brain security,
I believe. Yep.
You know what, jones?
You're right.
Maybe it is time
I give you a case.
Talkin' about what,
Now?
We have a situation
In the throat,
And I'm putting you on it.
Thank you, chief!
Thank you, chief!
You won't regret this.
You're a good man!
You're a fine man.
You're an upstanding man.
Yeah. Whatever you say.
You know, it was on
The fence for a while.
People like, good man,
Bad man, good man, bad man,
But now it's official--
You a good man!
You done?
Now our pill is getting
Swallowed as we speak.
So I suggest
You get your nucleus
Down to the stomach,
Pronto!
Pill
You didn't think I was gonna
Trust you to take care
Of a sore throat by yourself,
Did you? Now, get outta here.
Or I swear to frank,
You'll be on butt-hair patrol
For the next 3 years!
* Welcome downtown
* Here we go again
* Welcome downtown
* Here we go again...
Rinky-dink, stink,
Pinky pill!
Male, over p.a.: The white zone
Is for the ingestion
And digestion
Of gastric passengers only.
No parking.
Female, over p.a.: Last call.
Peanut now boarding
For intestinal tracts
And liver
With direct service
To the colon.
Now boarding.
* Hare, hare
* Hare krishna
* Hare krishna
Male, over p.a.:
Passengers arriving...
All right.
Hey!
Female, over p.a.:
Attention. All fat cells
Proceed directly
To the love handles.
Thank you.
Oh, yes, mr. Mayor.
No, sir. It hasn't
Arrived yet.
What the--
Mmm! Look out, now!
Did you get a chance to look
At my notes on your speech?
The in-box. Yes.
It says
"In" right on it, sir.
I'll check back later.
All right. Good-bye.
Well, well, well!
What do we have
Here?
Somebody been
Workin' out!
Leah, you lookin'
Fine, girl.
Mighty fine.
Oh, jones. Did they
Have to assign you to this?
Spit. Wasn't my idea, but
Now I'm starting to like it.
Baby, when are you and me
Gonna hook up?
I know this little spot
Right behind the eye.
Has the perfect view.
Perfect for a little
Rendezvous between me and you.
You know what
I'm sayin'?
Do you know what
I'm saying?
'Cause I been saying it
A long time.
Jones,
What in the world
Makes you think I would
Ever go out with you?
What you talkin' about?
I'm a legend, girl!
The chicks line up
To divide with me!
Oh, really?
'Cause to me you look
Like the kind of cell
Who mostly divides
With himself.
Whoo! Who cut off
The heat?
Somebody pay the bill!
It's cold in here!
Female, over p.a.:
Now arriving with some milk,
A cold pill with a pleasant
Fruity flavor.
Leah:
Wow. This is huge!
Don't be
All impressed,
'Cause 99% of that's
Just sugar, you know.
Yeah? And 99% of you
Is just stupid.
Ozzy: ooh, like I haven't
Heard that one before.
What is that
Cherry stank?
Special agent
Drixobenzometaphedramine.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Drixenol, the brand that eases
Your coughs and sneezes.
Warning: do not exceed
Recommended dosage.
If symptoms persist,
Consult a physician.
May cause drowsiness.
Do not attempt
To operate heavy machinery.
Pregnant women should not
Handle broken tablets.
Wow. I'm feelin' better
Already.
You can call me
Drix.
Welcome to
The city of frank.
Mm-hmm. I'd like to examine
Your irritated areas.
Whoo! Never on
The first date, drips.
Drix.
That's what I said.
No. I think you said
Drips with a "p."
Whatever.
Jones...
This ain't working
Out.
I'm gonna call the chief
And ask him to assign
Someone else.
Wait.
Hold up now. I need
This job, leah.
Come on,
Just give me a shot.
All right.
But no screw-ups.
You dig?
Baby,
I promise everything's
Gonna be fine.
Not as fine as you,
But fine.
Man, what you
Been eatin'?
That's my...
Effervescent propulsion.
All right.
But we're driving
With the windows open.
I don't want none of
Those fruity bubbles
Stinkin' up my ride.
You got that?
Hmm...
Hey, yo, yo!
Aw, man!
Look what you doin'
To my baby.
Hey, hey!
Don't touch my radio!
Where you from,
Tough stuff?
I was developed
At the university of chicago
Where I graduated
Phi beta capsule.
Great. Got me
A college boy.
I received my fda certification
In cold and flu studies
As well as a masters
In multi-symptom relief.
Where did you study?
Study?
When you grow up
On the wrong side of
The digestive tract,
You don't got no money
For no fancy schools.
Oh...
I'm not kidding, man.
My high school
Was crack central.
Oh?
No, it was in the crack!
Right in the stanky
Puckered center!
* I want know ya...
We were so poor,
We lived off
Peanut butter
And cellulite
Sandwiches.
You ever try to blow dry
Your hair with a fart?
Ok, I get it.
You were poor.
You bet. You ever
Try to make a snowman
Out of toilet paper
Cling now, that's poor!
Ok, please. You're
Going to make me vomit.
Vomit? We couldn't
Afford no vomit.
That's for rich folks.
Excuse me while
I wipe my eyes.
Aw, you wanna talk
About wipin'...
Ok, you're all new,
So follow my lead,
Right? Now--
Yo. Yo! Wait up!
Didn't they teach you no manners
In that ivy league petri dish?
Murphy!
It's flarin' up again!
Give me a status
On the pain relief.
Murphy, over radio:
Well, we have
A report of
A foreign substance
In upper respiratory
System.
Hmm. Inflammation
And glandular swelling.
We meet again.
Dougy-doug,
The firebug!
My boy is hot!
Osmosis jones.
Like I don't have
Enough problems?
You can start redirecting
Traffic over there.
What you talkin' about?
I'm in charge of this
Sore throat, baby.
You're kidding me.
No. Straight up.
Now what we got?
It's just a routine
Sore throat.
Looks like a saliva boat
Went haywire and crashed.
Saliva boat?
That's pretty unusual.
Knock down
That hot spot.
Get that ladder
Team over here!
Step away.
Tamper-proof seal is there
For your protection!
Ah!
Not my suedes!
What the dilly?
Oh...
Aiieee-heee-aah!
Aah! Aah!
Por favor, please man,
Don't sh**t!
La muerte, man!
Esta aqui!
He's going to
k*ll us dead, hombre!
No, no! Talk english, man.
We ain't on telemundo here.
La muerte roja!
He's coming, man.
I saw him!
I saw him.
I saw him!
La muerte roja--
Drix: * when your body's
Full of aches *
* A drixenol
Is all it takes *
Excuse me. What do you
Think you're doing?
I'm soothing
The irritation.
You just soothed my witness
Into a germsicle!
Oh.
Oh, gosh.
Well, don't worry.
He'll be back to normal
In a few days.
A few days is too late.
He might have some
Important information
About what went down here.
Officer, nothing
Went down here.
This is just
A common sore throat.
This is a crime scene.
Yo, you wanna do
Something useful?
Go plug some turtle wax
Into that thing
And wash my car!
Now, that's
Inflammation relief.
Later, doug.
Be cool, oz.
Hey, fellas,
How's it feel workin'
With the two dumbest
Animals in the zoo?
They're not too bad.
All right.
I'm talking
To the camels!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
We're dumb, and they're
Talkin' to the camels.
Ha ha ha ha.
Excellent. Uh-huh.
Oh, man.
I am so psyched
For this long weekend.
Getting outta town?
Outta town?
I'm not getting
Outta my bathrobe.
I'm just gonna wheel a keg
Into the living room
And plop myself down on
The sofa in front of the tv.
You know, spend
A little quality time
With the wife
And kids.
What's that smell?
That's bruno.
His tummy's still upset.
No, I'm talking about
The nasty, skanky,
Sweaty smell.
Oh, that's my daughter
Shane.
She won't buy me
Deodorant anymore.
Says it causes cancer.
Did the foot fungus
Pay up yet?
Naw. That guy's
Gettin' flaky on us.
Well, you ain't gonna
Collect nothin' from him
Up here in the pit.
Now get down there,
Send him a message.
So...
This is where
The scum of frank
Comes to fester.
Hey, you lost,
Pal?
This is a private
Sweat gland.
Now, beat it!
I'm lookin' for
Volunteers, yo.
Some nasty germs
Who want in on a big score.
Yo, red, we run
The rackets around here.
Take your little hustle
Someplace else.
Oh, baby, this ain't
About no hustle.
This is about the baddest
Illness y'all have ever seen.
Look who thinks
He's the ebola virus, huh?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ebola?
Let me tell you something
About ebola, baby.
Ebola is a case of dandruff
Compared to me!
All right, pal.
You're outta here.
Bruiser, take this
Punk up to the face
And bury him
In a blackhead.
When we're done
With you,
It'll take
A swedish facialist
And 6 steamin' washcloths
To get you out!
Oh, sounds like
A gas, baby.
Bring it on.
Bruiser, what are you,
A sissy mary?
Thrax: hmm...
Lead germ:
What you doing?
Che--
What's he doin'--
Uh-ah!
Oh!
You ain't so tough, huh?
That was nothin'!
Whoa!
So, uh...
What kinda sickness
Do ya have in mind...
Boss?
Deadly.
Hey, dad.
Hey, uncle bob.
Hello, beautiful.
Bob: hey.
So dad, I stopped
By the camping store,
And I got some nuts
And berries and stuff
For the father/daughter
Hike.
Uh, right, shane.
Uh, on this hike,
Is that teacher of yours
Gonna be there?
Um, yeah. My whole
Class is. Why?
I don't know.
I was just thinking
I might take
A rain check.
Dad, mrs. Boyd isn't
Still mad at you.
No, it--
I didn't think so.
I was just--
We could find something
Better to do.
You know, yesterday,
Without thinking,
I did all my hiking
For the week.
I hiked
To the liquor store,
I hiked to the cigarette
Warehouse...
But dad, you said--
I said I was gonna
Think about it.
It's a holiday weekend.
The important thing is
That we're together, right?
Yeah. I guess
You're right.
Yeah. Well, i, uh...
I have something very
Special up my sleeve.
Ahem. Um,
Sweetheart,
Have you ever seen
A rattlesnake
Swallow a football?
I don't think she has.
Oh, it's fun.
Come on.
Come on.
I'll show you.
Thank you, uncle bob.
Oh, that--ha ha ha!
You're gonna love it!
Drix: what are we
Wasting time here for?
Do I have to remind you
I am on a strict
First the throat, then the nose,
Then the aches and pains.
Yeah, I got it.
Real important
Stuff.
Just wait
In the car.
I got police work to do.
Could you give me
One glazed
And one with
A jelly
Uh-huh.
Librarian:
Brain memory library.
Can I help you?
You got
Any information
On something
Called...
"El morry roho"?
Stand by. I'll check.
But we're really all about
Sports statistics here.
Ah!
Librarian: sir?
Yeah, I'm here.
What you got?
La muerte roja.
That's spanish.
It means
The red death.
The red death?
What's that, some
Kind of taco sauce?
You have a nice day.
Osmosis:
Hello?
Oh!
Yo!
Yo, drips!
You ever hear
Of the red death?
Look alive, boys.
We got dust
At 9 o'clock.
Eat hot nose juice,
Dust!
Well, we're here.
You happy?
You hear that?
Quick, jones,
The dam is under attack!
Hey, chill, pill.
It's just some snot g*ns
Booger-coating some dust.
Ah--oh.
Aah!
Now...get to work!
This is your big plan?
A sore throat,
A stuffy nose?
People're just gonna
Think you're--
A common cold.
Until I make my move,
That's precisely what
I want them to think.
Yo, check it out!
We got cops here!
Drix: hey, look.
Yo, yo, yo,
Be careful!
That's
A pollen pod, man.
Frank is totally
Allergic to this stuff.
I didn't know frank
Had allergies.
Of course you didn't.
No useless pill
Knows nothin'
About what goes on
In here. Whoops!
Jones...
In the words of
The immortal james brown--
Get down!
James who?
Ah...ah...ah...
Choo!
Aah!
Hey.
Hey, frank.
Danny.
You nitwit!
You could have
Damaged the dam!
Relax. This baby
Was built to last.
Solid cartilage.
Oh, you're an engineer
Now. Excuse me.
I need to test
The mucus viscosity.
Hey, frank!
Frank!
How come you're
Leaving so early?
It's all shoveled out,
And the hippo's asleep.
I'm gonna take shane
To docky's for dinner.
Oh, yeah? Did you come up
With something to do
With shane this weekend?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did great.
Ozzy: I guarantee you,
There ain't nothing
Wrong with this dam.
So, uh, you want me
To take care of 'em?
No. Hit all
The pressure valves.
They're about
To blow the scene.
Oh!
What in the name of
Sweet bleedin'
Frank--
The membrane
Is cracking, you--
Oh!
Whoa!
Drips!
I think you missed
A spot!
Come on, fellas.
Go, go, go!
Yo!
Stop!
Immunity!
What the frank--
Wait a minute--
Whoa-oa!
Aah! Oh!
Aah!
Whoa!
Nose hairs!
Watch out!
Ohhhhh!
Drix: we're going to die!
Oh!
Aah!
Gee, frank,
I'm standing right here.
Can you use a tissue?
I don't have one.
Well, use your
Imagination.
What's that
Over there?
Whoa!
Better?
Much better.
I gotta go get her.
All right.
She'll be excited.
She'll probably call ya.
Good.
Oh...uh!
If it wasn't for you,
None of this--eww--
Would have ever happened.
Now, if you'll
Excuse me, i--i--
Have a nose to dry.
Broadcaster: this is
Nerve network news...
Good evening.
In an act of selfless bravery,
A cold tablet stopped
A runny nose today.
The heroic tablet is due to be
Honored later this afternoon.
Trudy?
Well, in lighter news,
There was panda-monium
In the stomach today
As some new animal
Crackers arrived.
They are adorable,
Aren't they? Hmm.
And now we go live
To cerebellum hall
For a special address
From mayor phlegmming.
Ok, mayor.
In 5, 4,
3...
Good evening,
Citizens of frank.
In the past few weeks
Of the campaign,
My opponent has thrown around
A lot of fancy words
To try to confuse
The issues,
Words like...exercise,
Low-fat,
And diet...
Words designed to scare us
Into changing
What has worked
For so many years.
Well, I say
Let's stay the course.
Remember, a fat frank
Is a happy frank.
What? That's not
What I wrote.
I propose something
That every organism in this city
Will enjoy.
I give you...
A dream vacation
To the annual
Chicken wing festival
In buffalo, new york!
Final plans
Have been made,
And nothing...
Is going to stand
In our way!
Leah: and we're out.
Sir, that wasn't the speech
We agreed on. I thought--
Yes, yes, yes.
Where's the little twerp
In the wheelchair?
Oh, hello, johnny.
How ya doing?
Congratulations, boys!
Excellent work
In the nose today!
Come on over here.
Let's get some pictures.
I want the caption
On this one to read,
"Mayor and pill
Stop cold...cold."
Mr. Mayor, uh, mr. Mayor,
Excuse me, sir,
But we have a problem.
Ha ha ha! What are you
Talking about, jones?
I think whatever it was
In the sinuses
Is a lot more
Than a common cold.
Sir, don't listen
To jones.
His diagnostic skills
Are remedial at best!
You're the little
Cherry aspirin
Who iced a key witness
To a viral attack!
That was an accident!
Yeah, the kind of accident
Only a time-release
Dipstick like yourself
Would have.
Oh! I am so sick of you!
That's it!
I can't work with you!
You can't work with me?
I can't work with you!
Officers, please, please!
Jones, what is this--this
Virus you're talking about?
The virus that
Torched the throat.
The virus that caused
Those half-inch snot crests
I was just surfin'!
Those snot crests
Were caused by the sneeze,
And the sneeze
Was caused by you!
Yeah? Then how come I saw
That viral-lookin' mother
Fleein' the scene
Of the crime? Tell me!
Sir, maybe we should
Put the city
On full alert.
You know, liquids,
Bed rest.
You know.
Just to be safe.
We will do
No such thing.
I'm not going
To postpone our trip
Just because
The white blood cell
With the worst
Record in frank
Thought he
Saw something.
Listen, from now on,
Keep those opinions
In that mushy little
Head of yours,
Or you're gonna
Find yourself
In our
Next nosebleed.
Understood?
Son, I apologize
For all of this.
Now, why don't we
Find you another,
More capable officer
To work with.
Uh, sir, uh...
If it's all
The same to you,
I think I'll
Stay with jones.
Wow.
Suit yourself.
You know, you didn't
Have to do that.
The last thing I need
Is your sympathy.
This is not about
Sympathy.
I was sent into this body
To make it feel better,
So if this alleged virus
Has anything to do
With that mission,
I must pursue it.
Yeah. Whatever.
Hey, jones,
What did the mayor mean
When he said
You had a record?
You did something
Terrible, didn't you?
Drips, sometimes
Being too careful
Is all it takes.
What do you mean?
A couple
Of years ago
I was cruising
The digestive tract,
Just minding
My own business.
Outside, it was shane's
School's science fair,
And everyone
Was real excited,
'Cause the winner
Was gonna get their picture
On the front page
Of the local paper.
Think anyone's gonna
Like my volcano?
Are you kidding?
All these other parents
Are going home sad,
'Cause their kids'
Projects
Are cardboard and glitter
Paint and science.
Shane, yours is art.
Woman: wow,
What a great tepee.
Tepee? Mrs. Delirious,
Come on.
Honey, I'm gonna go
Check out the competition.
Why don't you see if you
Can learn these people
Something about volcanos?
Hey, partner.
What you got there?
These? Oh, these
Are polluted oysters.
Well--well,
They were polluted.
I replanted them
6 Months ago.
You know, that's how long
The state says
You got to do it for.
And every time
The tide came in,
It flushed all the--
The bad stuff out.
Can you eat them?
Well, if my hypotenuse
Is correct,
Sure...you...
Well, uh...
Yeah, definitely.
You got yourself a sale.
Mmm.
Mmm!
All right,
You might want
To check your math
On that one.
Osmosis: I was working
The kidneys
When I heard about
A 631 in progress--
That's incoming shellfish.
So I headed down
To the stomach,
Just to be safe.
P.a. System:
Unscheduled shellfish
Now arriving at gate 6.
And you must be
Shane's dad.
Guilty as charged.
Oh...
Frank detorri.
Frank, it's a pleasure
To meet you.
I am mrs. Boyd.
I am shane's science
And p.e. Teacher.
And I just have to tell you,
Your daughter shane,
I am just absolutely
Crazy about her.
She is a doll.
Well, if you mean that,
I'm gonna keep her.
Oh, my go--ha ha!
That was so funny!
Oh, my god,
I've got the giggles.
Ohh!
She's a sweetie pie,
Though.
Did she tell you
That when she grows up,
She wants to move
To the city
And help people?
No kidding?
You mean, like
A concierge or something?
No, no, no, no, no.
Not--uh, like poor people.
Oh, yeah.
She told me that.
Yeah. You know, I really
Just have to say, frank,
It's just so wonderful
To see shane participating
In the science fair.
You know, because since
Her mother passed away,
She's had a really
Hard time sort of...
Being part of the group
Activities.
Yeah. She's gonna be ok.
Yeah.
Osmosis: and then I saw him.
He rode in on
The clammiest-looking oyster
I'd ever seen.
Mr. Detorri?
Mr. Detorri?
Ohh...
Are you ok?
Ohh...
Those oysters.
The oysters?
Oh, yeah.
That's zack's project.
He's a little slow.
The doctor says
That he has a brain
The size of a tangerine.
Mmm...
Yeah. So we sort of
Gave him this project
Just to sort of
Push him along.
I think he just
Started it this morning,
Which is sort of funny.
But we're gonna
Give him an "a" anyway.
Mr. Detorri?
Mr. Detorri?
Mr. Detorri?
Osmosis: there was no time
To ask questions,
So I did what I had to do.
Whoa, look at that guy!
Crowd: ohh!
Mrs. Boyd: oh! Oh-h*!
Ooh! Ooh!
Osmosis: you can probably
Guess which photo
Made it to the front page
Of the paper the next day.
Overnight, frank became
The town laughingstock.
The photo got picked up
And ran in every daily
Across the country.
He even got fired
From his job
At the pea soup factory.
Lucky for us,
Our old friend bob
Hooked up frank
With a job at the zoo.
It was a 90% cut in pay,
But it was the best
We could do.
Needless to say,
None of this helped shane.
And as for me,
I got suspended
For unnecessary force.
Since then, not a day
Has gone by
That I haven't wondered,
"Did I do the right thing?"
You know, jones,
From your description,
It sounds like
You were justified.
Excuse me?
Oysters
Are a breeding ground
For any number
Of dangerous bacteria.
They are! That's what I been
Trying to tell everybody!
Darn right, they are!
I never thought
You'd be on my side.
I never thought
You'd be right.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
We have a very strict
"No shoes, no service"
Policy.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
Have to ask you to leave.
I beg your pardon,
Is that how you treat
The handicapped
In docky's?
Handicapped?
I have a chronic
Ingrown toe condition,
And doctors say
It's only a short time
Before I won't
Be able to wear
Even the roomiest
Of footwear.
I'll bring your menus.
Look, would you bring
Some clam strips
And some steamers
When you come, too, please?
Thank you.
So, dad,
What's the big surprise?
Well, I know you wanted to go
On a trip this weekend, so...
Ta-da!
Buffalo?
Buffalo, new york.
The buffalo wing festival
This weekend.
Oh. Yeah, great.
So, what's
The big surprise?
We got tickets!
I called a scalper.
Look!
99 Kinds of wings.
128 Different
Dipping sauces.
You love math.
Crunch the numbers on that
And tell me
The possibilities
Aren't infinite.
Look! Look! Here you are.
Miss chicken wing festival.
See this?
He's the champion.
But he won't be
For long.
Because I'm coming.
I'm coming--i'm coming
To get you, baby.
Fun
Yeah. That's--
That's really cool, dad.
Mayor: ha ha ha ha ha.
See? I told you
She'd be excited.
Now, tidy up, will you?
Here we go.
Ok, frank,
This is your, um...
Conscience speaking.
Now listen carefully.
This hiking trip
Means the world to her.
Figure out a way
To make it work.
Use that charm.
What's wrong now?
Oh, gee...
Oh, it's this damn toe.
Do me a favor, huh?
Don't you get old.
Listen to the toe.
Don't you get old.
Hey, boss, looks like
Your plan worked.
That's right.
I got this city
Exactly where I want it.
Ha ha!
So, what about
The cop and the pill?
Well, let's just say
If they give us a problem,
* Fi-re
* Bom, bom, bom,
Bom, bom, bom, bow *
Ow!
* Oh, hear my beat
All across the world *
* Your soul goes out
To all the boys and girls *
Come on, brother! Let's
Get down! Let's get down!
You know money on the wood
Make the game go good.
5 Bucks says
Size don't matter.
[Chattering,
Squealing]
Get him! Come on!
Let's do this thing now.
Chickenpock fights.
Get back! Get him!
Yeah! Yeah,
That's my baby.
Try the headlock.
Hey, that's a virus.
We should arrest him.
No, man that used
To be a virus.
Now he's on our side.
That's chill.
He's a flu shot.
That's funny.
He doesn't look flu-ish.
Why don't you
Just stay here
And watch
The maestro work.
Hey, chill. Chill!
Don't y'all know
Pock fighting's
Against the law?
Hey, hey! Hey,
Where y'all going?
Thanks a lot, junior.
You just cost me 20.
Money ain't gonna be
Your biggest problem,
If you don't
Tell me what you know
About the sinuses.
Hey, I was injected
Into this body
To rat
On influenza only,
And this don't sound
Like influenza to me.
Now, beat it!
I bet johnny streptococcus
And the melanoma family
Will be very interested
To hear about
Your flu shot work.
You can't jack me
On that, brother.
I'm in the virus
Protection program.
Hey! What? Uhh!
Drix: you, virus.
I believe
Children's strength
Ought to take care
Of you.
Uh-oh, you done
Done it now, chill.
This guy's
A psycho cop.
You had your chance
To spill it,
But it's too late.
This guy just got off
The thorazine.
Now he's cuckoo
For cocoa puffs!
He's going el pollo loco
On your crazy behind!
I can't look.
I just can't look.
Chill: all right!
Aah!
The guy's big time.
He goes by the name of thrax.
Go to that new place,
The zit, on the forehead.
You can't miss it.
It's huge.
There's a big meeting
There tonight.
I'm out! Aah!
But you didn't
Hear that from me.
You didn't hear
That from me!
Whoo-hoo! Next time,
I'll be the bad cop.
You are a bad cop.
Yo, who you calling
A bad cop?
* I mean, no words
* Were ever spoken
* When she passed away
* I cried
And cried all day *
Radio: * alone again,
Naturally *
Drix: my, what
Big zits he has.
How did something
Like this happen?
Osmosis: you wash your face
With fried chicken, that's how.
Female club goer:
...last week?
All right, you
Come on in.
Oh, thank you!
Hey, wait, wait.
Hold up, now.
Where do you think
You're going?
To get our cootie!
Looking like that?
They'll tear you apart.
You got to get spiffy.
Spiffy?
Eee--eee...
Aah!
Whoo...whoo...
Ohh!
Ahh!
Oh, bleh...
Ahh! Hyuh!
Peep this.
Check it out.
Hmm. Pliable
Cellular dynamics.
What an ingenious
Defense mechanism.
Ooh! Ooh! Let me try.
Hyuh...ohh...
What do you think?
I think you should
Guard the car.
Oh, no.
This is my mission, too.
I insist
On going in with you.
All right.
But we got to get you
Something to wear.
[Rock music playing,
Crowd talking]
Are you sure
This disguise is working?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Trust me, it's perfect.
Perfect.
* See me cruising
In my caddy *
* Folks, they like
To call me daddy *
* Cool when I'm stylin'
* Just roaming
On the island *
* I'm cool
* Daddy cool
* Call me cool
* Daddy cool
* Call me cool
We got company. Be cool.
Now, try to relax.
Fit in.
Shake a tail cell
Or something.
I don't dance.
I--i have no left feet.
You don't dance?
No.
You don't dance?
No, i--
Come on,
Now don't tell me
You ain't never
Gotten jiggy wit' it.
Uh, I don't believe
I have. Uh--
Come on, baby! Give me
A little bit of this!
Oh, all right.
Come on.
Here you go.
Oh, yeah, baby,
That's it!
Get down!
Shake it up, baby!
Don't let it all
Settle at the bottom!
Shake that gel cap!
Shake it!
Oh, mama. Yo!
You's a big, bad cell.
Won't you back that cell up.
You's a fine cell!
Won't you--
Aah! All right, you
Stay here and practice.
Boy, you need it.
Ow!
If I'm not
Back here in five,
You come looking. Ok?
Aah! Ooh! Ow!
* Mackin' to this fat beat
* They's pushing
Through my back seat *
* You know I got
That gangsta lean *
* They treat me
Like the mayor *
* 'Cause I'm the biggest
Playa *
Mackin' all honeys
Up here
In the "d," baby!
* I rip,
I rock, I roll, g *
* I trim my hair
With the flowbee *
* Got soul, g,
Like al green *
* Cold coolin'
Like the a-team *
Ooh!
* San francisco
* I'm sh**ting
Like a p*stol *
* I'm so slick,
I'm crisco *
* Daddy likes to disco
Yo, barkeep,
What you got?
Uhh!
You got a problem
With that?
No, no, no!
This is just the way
I like it--
Extra disgusting.
Bah!
Blah!
Hmm.
Thrax: my plan is simple.
3 Teams will move through
The cranial artery,
And one through
The nasal passage.
We are going
To the brain, baby!
And we are gonna
Steal us one of these.
Now this little sucker
Comes from a place called
The hypothalamus gland.
The hypo-hoppo-
What
Hypothalamus.
Hypothalamus.
Controls the temperature
For the entire body.
We are gonna march
Right in there
And we are going
To take the prize.
Then my man frank's
Gonna heat up
Like a sidewalk
On a summer day.
I need to talk to you.
What a zit.
I mean, what is it?
What is it?
What do you want?
I want you to help me.
You want me
To call the cops?
Or maybe shane
Would like to know
About the 200-yard
Restraining order
That's still
In effect.
Please, we can't do that.
She's been
Humiliated enough already.
Oh, h*-h*-h*.
"Humiliated."
I'll tell you
About humiliation.
You turned me
Into a walking
Air sickness bag.
My whole family
Was humiliated.
Do you
Understand that?
Do you have any idea
Of the teasing
That my little sons
Ralph and chuck
Have had to endure?
I know
Your daughter hurly
Had to transfer schools.
Shirley. My daughter's
Name is shirley.
Oh, that is much prettier.
Tom brokaw called her hurly.
What?
It was a very cute
Picture of her, though.
We got to get this water
Underneath our bridge
As soon as possible,
For shane's sake.
Shane has nothing
To do with this.
I would never
Hold anything
Against
One of my students.
All right, that--
Get back to work!
Now all of this
Is going down tonight,
So I want everyone
To be prepared.
Tonight?
Uh, can't we
Do it next week?
Me and madcow got tickets
To wrestlemania.
You see this?
This here little dna bead
Comes from a little girl
In riverside, california.
Didn't like
To wash her hands.
Took me 3 whole weeks.
And this one--nice lady
In detroit, motown.
6 Days flat.
Then there's this old guy
In philly.
I k*lled him in 72 hours.
Yeah, I'm getting better
As I go along, baby,
But the problem is,
I never set a record!
Until my man frank, that is.
I'm gonna take him down
In 48 hours!
Get my own chapter
In the medical books.
All: heh-heh.
Yeah. Right.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
I got one more
Question here.
Is there anything that,
Say, a white blood cell
Could do to stop
This evil plan?
You know, hypothetically
Speaking, that is.
And who are you?
Who am I
A bad, booty-shaking,
Pickinosis.
Yeah, that's who I am.
I never heard of you.
That's 'cause
You just got here.
But you ask
Any of these suckers
When it comes
To illing,
Bad, booty-shaking
Pickinosis
Stands above
All the rest.
Ow. That hurts.
Aah!
Hey, that ain't no germ!
That's a cop!
Well, what do we
Have here?
An officer
Of frank's finest.
Somebody lay down a towel.
This is gonna be messy...
Attention, germs.
You are surrounded.
* Uh-huh, uh-huh
* Uh-huh, uh-huh,
Surrounded *
Yo, hammer,
You can stop dancing.
* Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm
Oh.
Hoo!
Aah!
Aah...jeez!
What kept you?
Muerte rojo.
Aah! You're gonna hurt me!
Let me out of here!
I just want you to lift
This restraining order
For this weekend,
So I can do this
Father/daughter trip.
The answer is no,
Mr. Detorri.
Please?
Think about it
Overnight.
It would make a little girl
Very happy.
Drix: only for use
Against the most stubborn
Cold symptoms.
Darn child-proof caps...
Get him!
All: blah!
Aah!
Ooh-ah!
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo--
Ooh! Why you hit so hard?
Uh...uhh!
Dang it, drix.
I could use
A little help here!
Give me that thing!
Oh!
Oh, no. Not again.
Wah!
You have something
White on your lips.
Other side.
Uh-oh.
Ohh...ooh!
Get out!
Out!
The answer is no!
Absolutely not!
Brr!
Thanks. You saved
My cytoplasm in there.
Mr. Thrax has left
The building!
My name is what?
My name is who?
Jones!
My name is ah!
Osmosis jones!
Now let's call in
For a scab
And get back
To the precinct.
Chief: jones,
In my office.
Hey, hey! Who died?
Other than thrax,
That is.
Brandy! I mean, leah!
What are you doing here?
You really did it
Now, jones.
Mr. Mayor, I didn't
See you back there.
Disregarding orders,
Destruction of public flesh.
Popping a pimple
Without a permit!
What the heck
Were you doing up there?
What was I doing?
I was promoting
Good heath, sir.
Oh, is that
What you call it?
Sir, he was
A lethal virus.
If we hadn't
Stopped him--
We'd be fried eggs
Off of frank's dead butt!
Watch your mouth, kid.
Talk like that
Could cause a panic.
At least that would
Start people thinking
About what's going on
In this body,
Instead of thinking
About some stupid trip!
Ok, jones. You want us
To start thinking?
Well, here's a thought.
You're fired!
Uh, sir--
Mr. Mayor--
I'll need
Your badge, mister.
Figures.
I finally do something right
For frank, and I get fired.
Osmosis...
Please. Without jones,
Frank could have been
In mortal danger.
Oh, mortal danger, hmm?
You'd love to prove that,
Wouldn't you, mr. Drixenol?
Get your name written up
In the new england
Journal of medicine.
Son, do me a favor and read
What it says on your arm?
"For the temporary
Relief
Of symptoms
Associated with--"
Exactly. Temporary.
You're nothing
But a wannabe, a placebo,
A generic brand,
Marked down,
Over-the-counter,
Useless tic tac.
Now, get out of my body!
Tv announcer: it appears
That continuing cold symptoms,
While annoying,
Will not derail plans
For the upcoming trip
To the annual buffalo
Chicken wing festival.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What's so funny?
I don't know.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
They're making this
Too easy.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You know, in all
The bodies I've been in,
No one has ever
Gotten wise to me.
And now, for the first time,
An immunity cell
Has figured out everything,
And they don't believe him.
Can you taste
The irony in that?
Shut up!
What are you two
Laughing at?
All right. All right,
We're back on schedule.
But boss, we're
The only ones left.
Maybe we should
Incubate for a while?
You incubate.
I said 48 hours,
I'm gonna make my deadline.
Ohh...ohh...
Medical books aren't
Written about losers!
I'm not going.
You're not
Going where, hon?
To buffalo.
I'm not going.
Honey, I'm--
We're all packed.
Buffalo's gonna
Be a blast.
I'm going camping
With my friends.
You're welcome
To join us.
Well, I don't think--
I'd really like you to come.
No. No, no.
No, no, no, i--
You don't want me
Huffing and puffing after you.
If you want to go camping,
Ok, I'll--
I know I can get uncle bob
To go with me to buffalo.
I'm tired of this.
It's not fair.
I go where you
Want to go,
I eat what you
Want to eat.
Don't you ever think about
Anyone other than yourself?
I think about you
All the time.
Were you thinking about me
When you packed me
A fried slim jim sandwich
For lunch?
Yeah.
It was a turkey slim jim.
You know, dad...
Maybe if you and mom
Listened to me
A little more,
And took better care
Of yourselves,
Maybe she'd still be here.
Will you knock off
That hamburger talk?
Come here, honey. Hey...
Your mom died...
Because she got sick.
And how do you think
You get sick?
Germs.
It's the way you eat.
Who's that?
Did you know
My great-great-grandpappy
Fought the measles?
Yep. There's been
A jones on the force
Ever since
My ancestors came over
On the umbilical cord.
Until now, that is.
Guard: all right, ladies.
Wrap it up now.
Well, i, uh...
I guess I should
Get going.
Wouldn't want frank
To build up an immunity to me.
Who knows? Maybe next time
He takes drixinol
It'll be able
To do him some good.
Good-bye, drips.
That's drix.
Whatever.
* One time,
Blowing my mind *
* But don't you
Decline a dime *
* Baby be mine
* Craig david
* It's another one
That you call, yeah *
* Lonely hours,
Lonely days *
* Yeah
* Never meant
To drive you away *
* Uh-huh
* I should have
Listened to you, lady *
* And what you had to say
* If only, yeah
* I never knew how much
You kick somebody *
* After you...oh, oh
* That's right
* When you find out
That you should *
* Let your feeling show,
Feeling show *
* Yeah
* And even though
I've done you so wrong *
* Don't you know
* Like I know, baby
All right,
All right, people.
Let's get started.
I don't need
To remind anyone
That today is our trip
To buffalo, new york.
Frank will be up
In 20 minutes.
I don't want him so much
As losing an eyelash,
Stubbing his toe today.
* Starting over
Excuse me, sir.
Would you like
To see a free
Screening?
We've got
A live feed here
Broadcasting dreams
All the way
From the subconscious
In the brain.
* You see, you got the key
To my heart *
Mrs. Boyd: you get back
To work right now.
Mmm.
That's right, big boy.
You keep on dreaming.
At least you got
Your health.
98.6.
98.6.
98.6.
A-ha! Perfect.
[Thrax slices
Through door]
Uh, you can't
Come in here.
Heh heh heh!
Aah!
Hypothalamus cell:
No! No! Aah!
Baby, you are
Looking fine today.
Mmm...yes.
Ooh, yeah!
Heh heh heh!
Heh heh heh!
Ha ha ha!
And don't forget
That donut seat cushion
We take
To the football games.
I don't want the voters
In the hemorrhoids
Having anything
To complain about.
Sir,
Something freaky
Is going on
With the weather.
We're probably drinking
Some hot coffee.
Sir, look at the map.
What is jones is right?
Jones? Ha ha ha!
Funny, funny--ohh!
You care more about
Your stupid re-election
Than you care
About all our lives.
Something's going on,
And I'm going
To the hypothalamus
To check it out.
Hypo
Leah, wait! Who's going
To answer the phones?
Dispatcher:
All units be advised.
We have a break-in.
Sarge?
Nah.
Nothing down there
But bad dreams.
[Voices overlapping
And echoing]
Huh? Wait,
Wait, wait.
Mrs. Boyd: or maybe
Shane would like to know
About the 200-yard
Restraining order...
Shane: maybe
If you and mom
Listened to me
A little more,
And took better care
Of yourselves,
Maybe she'd
Still be here.
Zoo superintendent:
Now get out of here!
Mrs. Boyd:
Get out! Eww!
No...um...
You get back
To work right now.
Huh?
What the heck is that?
Francis detorri,
You stand up right now!
Thrax is alive!
Thrax is alive
And he's in the brain!
Cell: oh, great, pal!
Spoil the ending!
Hey, buddy,
What temperature you got?
98.6. Wait a minute, is
This thing broken again?
Drix!
You get those skid marks
Out of my class, mister!
Out the door,
Out the door,
Out the door!
Whew! This cat was sick
Before I even got here.
Announcer: now boarding!
The 9:37 with non-stop...
Tickets, please.
Keep it moving,
Let's go.
Osmosis: drix!
Yo, drix!
Jones?
Get your time-release
Butt off this boat.
Thrax is alive.
Come on, let's go.
I'm sorry, osmosis,
I can't help you.
Excuse me?
I wasn't designed
To combat a virus.
Read my label.
You gotta learn to think
Outside the pillbox, man.
Conductor: come on,
Keep it moving.
I've known sugar pills
Who've cured cancer
Just because they believed
They could.
Oh, I don't know, ozzy.
Look at me.
I'm cherry flavored.
Hey, pal,
You on or off?
Fine. Flush your life
Down the toilet.
The zipper's down.
All ashore that's
Going ashore.
Frank: ohh.
Drix: jones...
You really know a sugar pill
Who cured cancer?
Nah.
But it makes for a good
Pep talk, don't it?
Drix: let's go
Catch a cold.
Hey, shane, how about
A hug for your uncle bob?
Ok, nice talking
To you, too.
Hey, muscles!
You don't
Look so good.
I feel a little fluey.
You know
What they say.
Starve a cold...
Drown the flu.
There you go.
Your body needs
Fluids now
And lots of them.
Is beer fluid?
Oh, of course
It's fluid.
What about all that
Wet stuff in it?
I thought
That was the beer.
Oh, come on, no,
Finish that up.
Come on, we want
To get better.
Come on, there
We go, that's it.
That's my good
Washboard-tummy guy!
There you go!
This is it. Men,
Go, go, go, go!
Aah!
Hi, baby.
What are you
Waiting for? sh**t him!
If you follow me,
She dies!
Let her go! Freeze!
Hey, this ain't no time
To get carsick.
Don't worry about me.
I'm one-eighth dramamine.
It's just
This darn heat. Ay!
Just as long as it
Don't hit 108 degrees,
Or frank's daughter's
An orphan.
Hey, shane, look
What I brought for you.
They're false eyelashes.
Whatever.
Just close your eye.
There you go. You look
Good with falsies.
Aah!
What the--
Let me go! Aah!
Bob: oh, don't worry
About shane.
Shane'll be fine.
Well, I just
Want to, you know,
Put her at ease.
I don't want her
To worry.
Listen...
Why don't you
Sit her down and tell her
That if anything
Ever happens to you,
I will take care
Of her, ok?
I will raise her,
I will nurture her,
I will love her,
And then when she's 16,
I'll boot her
Out the door.
16?
Well, yeah, you know,
I'm not gonna
Mommy her forever, ok?
I mean, 16, sure.
Frank,
Are you all right?
Dispatcher:
All units, all units,
He have a hostage situation
Involving the mayor's aide.
Oh, no, leah, girl,
What were you thinking?
And now we go live
To a high-speed chase
In the superior
Vena cava expressway.
Reports of a hostage
Are confirmed.
Whoa!
Officer: look out!
Suspect is heading
Towards the uvula.
Repeat, heading
Towards the uvula.
What the heck
Is a u
It's that little
Dangly thing
That hangs down
In frank's--
Not that
Little dangly thing!
The one in his throat!
I knew that,
I knew that.
Frank?
Are you with me?
Frank, are you--frank,
Are you with me?
Yes, I feel fine.
Say it!
Frank, frank!
Hold on here.
All right, that's it.
Hey, you're going
To the hospital.
The trip is off.
The trip is off?
Noooo!
Shane, isn't that
Your dad?
Shane: oh, my god.
Stop the bus!
Dad!
Uncle bob!
Shane!
Shane, what are
You doing here?
What happened?
It's ok,
I'm her niece.
Um, well, honey,
Your daddy's had
A little accident.
Is he ok?
Oh, sure, no,
He's gonna be fine.
I hope
He's gonna be ok.
Let me go! Hey, hey,
Watch the hands, buddy!
Hold up.
Put me down!
A critical one here!
What's the story
On this one?
Nurse: I don't know,
I don't know what it is.
The guy's burning up.
All right, let move
On my mark.
Ready, 1, 2...lift!
What is that
Nasty smell?
Cherry. Wild cherry.
Now let her go.
Why? So you can
Ice me again?
No, so I can!
Virus con dios
Unh!
Jones!
Oh, thank frank!
What's his
Temperature?
Doctor: 106.2.
Put him in ice!
Let's get
Some ice in here!
We gotta cool
This guy down.
Go on in.
Nurse 2: we need some
Ice in here!
Orderly: right,
I'll get it.
Daddy?
Maggie.
No! No, dad,
It's me, shane.
Come out, come out,
Wherever you are.
I ain't got time
For this.
Heh heh heh! Argh!
Chief:
This is frank p.d.!
We have you
Surrounded!
Surrender at once!
Give it up, thrax.
You're busted.
Hand over the bracelet.
Y'all are making this
Too easy. Ha ha ha!
Pollen?
Check this out.
Oh, no!
Dear mother of frank!
Enjoy the funeral,
Boys. Ha ha ha!
Ah-choo!
We're dead!
How's your aim?
A lot better
Than yours.
Jones, what do you
Think you're doing?
Saving frank.
Let's do it.
You want osmosis?
You've got osmosis.
Whoooaaa!
Pleh! Ugh!
Argh!
You just don't know
When to quit,
Do you, jones?
You know what, jones?
You want
This chain so bad,
Big daddy thrax is
Gonna let you have it.
Looks good
On you, jones.
You wear it well.
It's a shame
You had to come
This far from home
Just to die.
Aah!
Ha! Who's
The germinator now?
It's a falsie--ohh!
Can you feel
The heat, jones?
Heh heh heh! Too bad
You won't be here
To see me
Break my record
When I take down
Frank's pretty
Little girl.
She ain't going down.
Huh?
You are.
What? Unh!
Aaargh! Nooo!
Whoa!
Thrax: aaaaahhh!
We're losing him.
Breathe!
Come on, man.
Daddy! No, I don't
Want to lose you.
Take her outside.
Come on, honey, there's
Nothing you can do.
No, that's my dad!
That's my dad! Dad!
Hey, wait, wait!
Whoa, whoa! Frank!
Frank!
Things are looking grim
As temperatures rise
To dangerous levels.
We have lost all contact
With the outer extremities.
Nnn will stay on the air
As long as possible.
When we come back,
Ordinary household
Appliances
That can improve
Your golf swing.
You--you silly twit!
Don't you get it?
We are going to die!
Oh, I knew it, dan.
At the first dark cloud,
You fall apart.
Moron!
Phony!
Aah!
Gentlemen,
Playing with you
Has been the greatest
Pleasure of my life.
[Playing nearer
My god to thee]
He's not coming back.
He's not gonna make it.
Come on, come on,
He'll be--he'll be--
That's it.
No, wait! Hey, daddy!
I'm so sorry. I didn't
Mean to say that to you.
I don't blame you
At all for mom's death.
I didn't mean any of it.
You're the greatest dad
In the whole world.
Aah!
Look!
Ozzy!
Ohh! Oh, jones!
Chief: get that thing
To the hypothalamus now!
Ok, I'm calling it.
I'm sorry,
Sweetie.
Come on.
Come on now.
Wait a minute.
He's got a pulse.
He's coming back.
107.7...
107.6...
Your mama says hi.
* Oh, I believe
* Oh, I believe...
As sweltering temperatures
Return to normal,
A grateful city
Salutes osmosis jones,
The brave officer
Who saved us all.
Patrolman jones has
Just been reinstated
To the immunity force
With full privileges.
Hey, ozzy,
Can I count on you
To keep frank in shape?
You know we've got that big
Insurance exam next month.
I don't know.
You're gonna have to
Talk to my new partner,
If he feels like hanging
Around a little while.
But my work
Visa's expired.
Well, we'll go down
To the hemorrhoid
And get you
A good lawyer.
Come here, baby.
I'm still jonesing
For a little more osmosis.
* I believe
* If we believe
* Oh, I believe
* Oh, I believe
* Oh, I believe
* I believe
* I believe
Oh, my god.
Look how beautiful.
Didn't I tell you
It'd be worth it?
I didn't think
I could break a sweat
Coming up here,
But I did.
Yeah. It was kind
Of a long drive.
Carrot?
Hmm. I wonder
What this does.
Hmm. Ohh!
Dad!
Was that you?
Ohh.
What the heck.
Out with the old,
In with the new.
* Ahh
* Ahh ahh
* Ahh
* I am the king
Of this city *
* Top down windows
And I'm puffin' like diddy *
* Ridin' 'cause the haters
Face mad, team gritty *
* Honk your horn twice
* If your missies
Looking pretty *
* Well if you
Run wit' them *
* Then I walk
With my killas *
* No, you will
Never have a woman here *
* As long
As I'm the dealer *
* What you feelin'?
You sure you want some *
* I brought my slums,
Cats play like the rums *
* There's money
In large sums *
* And navigators
And g*ns *
* Baby mamas wit' sons
* Ain't afraid
To let you have it *
* If you trip
With their loved ones *
* What I heard
Most is no, no *
* You best get on your mark,
Get set, and go, go *
* Like jagged edge I leave
Ya more def than so-so *
* Type of person can take
A short sit in the front row *
* Get your hands
Out my pockets *
* Don't want it,
This is blow, blow *
* The only bird I get wit'
More is the dodo *
* They like oh, oh
* It's what the screamin'
From the back *
* Hey, timber, is when
I hit 'em wit' the *
* Put your g*n away
* And you might live
To see another day *
* Come in head,
Run and done *
* Bustin' like andele
* I am the king
Of this city *
* Top down windows
And I'm puffin' like diddy *
* Ridin' 'cause the haters
Face mad, team gritty *
* Honk your horn twice is
Your missies lookin' pretty *
* I am the king
Of this city *
* Top down windows
And I'm puffin' like diddy *
* Ridin' 'cause the haters
Face mad, team gritty *
* Honk your horn twice if
Your missies lookin' pretty *
* Asked around
You got a range *
* Boy, I been
Had wheels *
* Yo, you think you got
A little change *
* Yeah, my girlies,
They love me truly *
* I remember you used
To sh**t that thing *
* Y'all never knew me
* You used to
Claim gangs *
* I am the king
Of this city *
* Top down windows
And I'm puffin' like diddy *
* Ridin' 'cause the haters
Face mad, team gritty *
* Honk your horn twice if
Your missies lookin' pretty *
* I am the king
Of this city *
* Top down windows
And I'm puffin' like diddy *
* Ridin' 'cause the haters
Face mad, team gritty *
* Honk your horn twice if
Your missiles lookin' pretty *
* Yeah, try to fight it
* Drama? Drama!
* I'm an 18-wheeler,
Big mighty competer *
* Big ball, shot calls
* Tell my th*gs
And my chicas *
* Get caught
In the club with us *
* Big ball, shot call
* That's 3 heidy-h*s
Step in the front door *
* Lights, cameras, flash
* Look at them react
* To the bouncing ball
* Keep a fat bankroll
* Making fresh roads
With a tight gangster pose *
* So when you see me,
See me, holla, holla *
* What's up, dawg?
* That's a real big
Ball, shot call *
* I'm an 18-wheeler,
Big mighty competer *
* Big ball, shot call
* And tell my th*gs
And my chicas *
* Get caught
In the club with us *
* Big ball, shot call
* I'm an 18-wheeler,
Big mighty competer *
* Big ball, shot call
* I got something to say,
Something to say *
* Come on
* Can you fill me in?
* Let's talk about it
* I was checking
This girl next door *
* When her parents went out
She phoned *
* Said hey, boy,
Come on right around *
* So knock on the door,
You were standing *
* With a bottle of red wine
Ready to pour *
* Dressed in all that satin
And lace to the floor *
* I mean, me and her parents
Were kind of cool *
* But if they were to find
Out between me and you *
* We were just doing things
Young people end up doing *
* Parents trying to find out
What we were up to *
* Saying why were creeping
'Round late last night? *
* Why did I see 2 shadows
Moving in your bedroom light? *
* Now you're dressed
In black *
* When I left you were
Dressed in red *
* Can you fill me in?
* Can you fill me in?
* Why must you put
A rush on me *
* When I already told you
How it's gonna be? *
* First of all,
You gotta open my mind *
* Before I let you send
Chills down my spine *
* So, boy, don't be mad
* Don't be upset, no
* Don't be mad 'cause
It ain't time yet *
* Don't be mad
* Don't be upset, no
* Don't be mad 'cause
It ain't time yet *
* Yeah, I know you think
We're ready to be *
* More than friends,
You want intimacy *
* And even though
I get the urge *
* I gotta make sure 'cause
I don't want to get hurt *
* So, boy, don't be mad
* Don't be upset, no
* Don't be mad 'cause
It ain't time yet *
* Sunshine
* Yo, sunshine
* Ooh
* Ooh ooh
* Mmm
* I did hear you
* It was something
* There was nothing
Much to me *
* I was in it
For the moment *
* Wanted someone
Touching me *
* And I didn't want
To fall in love *
* So why did you
Have to be *
* So beautiful
* So good to me
* When I was
Only looking for *
* Someone to hold
* Just for a while
* Why did I have to
See your smile *
* Why did you have to be
* The one who stayed
In all my dreams *
* When I was needing
Nothing more *
* Than someone to kiss,
To hold on to me *
* Why did you have to be
* So right
* Oh, baby...
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Osmosis Jones (2001)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters