I Was a 7th Grade Dragon Slayer (2010)

[bunniefuu]

- Back in the day,
well, they all used to say

That king arthur
really had it made

There were dragons to slay

A princess to save

And no such thing
as getting good grades

No bullies to battle,
no principals rattling off

Everything you've ever
done wrong

Just castles and knights

Who were up for the fight

When some evil dragon
came along

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

Those days are gone

There's no swords
to be drawn

It's an ordinary
everyday bore

But if dragons were back
I'll be first to attack

Between homework,
school, and chores

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

On a roll with a troll

On a quest we will go

Fighting a w*r
in the hallways and sewers

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
saving the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm a teenage dragon,
a teenage dragon

A teenage dragonslayer

- I'm arthur,
and I slay dragons.

That's tim.

- You idiot.

- We're best friends.

That's natalie.

- Oh!

You dweebs.

- She's crazy about me.

We're the knights
of the square table.

We went looking
for a monster...

- [Screaming]

- And, boy,
did we find one.

Both:
shh.

- What is that?

Get me out of here.
Get me out.

- Quiet, quiet.
- Shh.

[Pounding on door]

- Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait a minute.

I think I'm getting ahead
of myself.

Let me tell you
how this whole thing started.

I think something's out there.

- It's probably just bullies.

- We should leave
before we get wedgied.

I think I hear
my mother calling me.

- Uh, I think
she's calling me too.

[Growling noise]

- Come on, punk.

Thought you could get away,
didn't you?

- Metz.

- If it isn't queen arthur.

Grendel, down.

This one
might give you rabies.

Oh, a gift.

I didn't know you cared.

- They're mine.

- Don't try to be a hero,
numbnuts.

- That's elixir, sir.

It's a collectible card game,
fantasy-based,

Played by mathletes, misfits,

And those picked last
for kickball.

- "Darksmoke:
evil dragon lord,

Archenema of tobar
the golden dragon."

- I think that's "enemy."

- I can read, moron.

- Darksmoke's bad.

- That card's rare.

It's worth 10 bucks.

- 10 Bucks, eh?

Bet it'd look mighty fine
in the spokes of my bike.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- You like to play games,
queen arthur?

Well, I got
a game for you.

It's called "piñata boy."

[Screaming]

Ah, I'm blind.

I've been slimed.

Get him.

I'm blind.
[Screaming]

- Back here.

- Get him.

- You all right, man?

- I'm gonna get that kid.

- Why'd you pull me back?

- Do you want me to answer that,

Or do you want me
to get belligerent?

- Neither.

Good shootin', tex.

- Thanks.
- Let's go.

- [Grumbling]

[Whistle blows]

- A whistle, really?

[Whistle blows]

- I have worked at this job
long enough

To be able to spot l.o.d.
When I see it.

A lod.

- L.o.d.:
Lack of discipline.

Single mom
working late nights,

Even later nights
with her boyfriend.

[Scoffs]

So sad.

What with our custody hearing
coming up,

I would think that you would
care a little more

About public perception.

- How did you know
about my custody hearing?

- Dad?
- Laura.

- Mrs. Metz.
- Laura.

- Mom.
- Arthur.

- Metz.
- Art.

- Annie.
- Art.

- Arthur.

- Well,
now that we're all here,

Who shall take the child?

- Laura, do you really think
you're fit to be a good mother?

- Well, see,
this is what happens, art,

When people don't tivo oprah
or dr. Phil

Or dr. Laura schlessin--
schless--

Dr. Laura.

- Laura, you're not fit
to be his mother.

You don't tivo anything.

- What? Tivo?

What universe
is she a fit mother?

- All right, laura,

You're gonna need to check
your tone-age with me, okay?

Because I am
the second assistant

Of the sergeant battalion,
swing shift,

And in addition
to helping the public,

I happen to have very strong
mothering instincts.

I've been known to raise
wild rabbits

And puppies,
remember?

- The puppies.

- Puppies, lots of puppies
and some stray felines

And a cat, even.

- Did you hear that, arthur?
She's raised a cat.

Maybe she'll teach you
how to pee in a box.

- You better be careful.

You're talking
to an authoritarian.

- [Tutting]

Arthur,

Who do you want to live with?

- Me?

- Okay, this is just ridiculous.

- Mrs. Lyle,
can you honestly claim

To provide a healthy environment
for your son?

I mean,
the boy is clearly misguided.

He has yet to offer an apology
to my little larry.

- Apologize?

Okay, mrs. Metz,

Your most royal
exalted highness,

I apologize.

I apologize
that someone saw fit

To put you
into a position of authority

When your own son
obviously has an l.o.d. Problem,

And I sincerely apologize
that my arthur

Didn't cause more harm
to your little tyrant

Than to hurt
his overpriced designer clothes,

And if he ever bullies
my son again,

I swear I will show him
no lack of discipline.

- [Shrieks]

- And you were wrong
about the boyfriend thing.

[Whistle blows]

Let's go.

You owe me.

- For what?

- Three days' vacation.

- It's called a suspension.

- It's only called a suspension
if you did something wrong.

Look, don't worry, kiddo.

I will handle it.

- That's what I'm afraid of.

- Ah...

Break out your pocket protector,
because I got you tickets

To the biggest elixir quest
convention in the world.

- No way.

- Yeah.

- Tim's gonna pee his pants.

Shane barker's gonna be there.

- Who?

- He's the elixir quest
game designer.

He's unveiling
a new expansion deck.

- Oh, is he cute?

- Permission to barf.

- Denied, soldier.

I just got the old shoe smell
out of this car.

I am not in the market
for a new odor.

Look, honey,
there's some small print.

Oh, here it comes.

- No sewers.

- But, mom--

- They're disgusting.

That's why they're called
a sewer.

Haven't you seen that movie
with the alligator?

Arrrgh.

Yeah, well, look,

There's some hot pockets
in the freezer,

And if you're still hungry,
we've got fig newtons.

- Mmm.

[Laughs]

- Give me a kiss.
- What?

- Hurry up.
I'm late for work.

- Bye, mom.
- No sewer.

- So the tunnel
has three corridors:

Here, here, and here.

We'll split up.

- Can I go with you?

- Yeah,
except that would kind of ruin

The whole splitting up thing.

We each take a wing.

When we hear it,

We close in
and trap the monster between us.

- We're actually gonna move
toward the monster?

Would not happen in my plan.

- We're the knights
of the square table.

We can't pass up a chance
to see a monster.

- Let's get on with this.

I'm rogue.

My parents think I am
selling cookies till 8:00.

- Keep these walkies on,
constant contact,

And no napping.

We might be dealing
with a man-eater.

- Go.
- You go.

- I'll go.

- Go.

- I'm going.
- Okay.

Both:
tim, are you gonna go?

- Yeah...

Pee-pee.

Both:
just go.

- You--you go.

- I'm going.
- I'm going too.

- [Sighs]

I've got to get home.

I'm behind
on my science fair project,

And I've got a book report
due tomorrow, and this--

- Wait. Wait. Wait.

What's the book?

- Um...

Oh, watership down.

- And how far did you get?

- There's a rabbit
on the cover.

- I read that book last year.

- Yeah?

- Yeah,
it's about these rabbits.

They live in a hotel.

- You mean it?

- Yeah, and they're twins.

Their names are zack and cody.

[Upbeat electronic music]



- Natalie?

Natalie, are you there?

Natalie.

- Where is she?

- I--i don't know.

- What if that thing got her?

- You don't even know
that there is a thing.

- We will if it ate natalie.

- Just stick with the plan
and meet at the intersection.

- How about plan "b":
run, escape, live?

- Intersection...now.

Start walking.

- I hate this. I hate this.
I hate this.

I hate this.



- It's...no, no.

Arthur, big problem,
big problem.

Arthur,
my light went out.

Oh, it's dark, arthur,
and I'm bumping into walls,

And...

Oh, there's stuff
on these walls, slimy stuff.

What if it's the monster?

- It's cool.

You know this place
like the back of your hand.

- That would be fine

If I could see
the back of my hand.

- Just keep walking
straight ahead,

And eventually,
you'll see my light,

And everything will be...

Oh, no.

- Arthur, is that...

- You hear it?

- What is it?

- Radio silence.

- Why would we want
to do that?

- Because it might hear us.

- I'm taking evasive action.

- Negative.
Hold your ground.

That's an order.

- Consider this a resignation

From the knights
of the square table.

- Tim. Tim!

Tim?

Natalie.



- Oh, ah.

- Hey, where were you?

I kept calling.

- I lost my walkie.

Did you find natalie?

- Nope, natalie found you.

Whose tunes?

- Unsolved mystery.

[Growling noise]

- What?
- Shh.

- You're creeping me out.

- Shh, shh, shh!

- What, is "shh" my name now?

[Footsteps tapping
and chain rattling]

- Run.
- Run.

- Run.
- [Screams]

[Screaming]
come on.

[All screaming]

- Come.

- I can't see.
- Wait. Wait. Slow down.

Slow down.

- Come on,
we have to keep moving.

That thing might be looking
for its radio.

Nice.

- What do you think it is,
a werewolf, a vampire,

Maybe--maybe a minotaur?

- There's no such thing
as minotaurs.

They're mythological.

- My myth-stake.

- Maybe it's, like,
one of those stories

Where an abandoned child is
raised by wolves or something.

- Reality check.

Those are not
historical accounts.

Those are disney movies.

- I don't know what it was,

But I do know what we were:
dinner.

- I'm not so sure
it's out to hurt us.

- You're not going back there.

Promise me.

- Uh, I'm not.

- Promise me, arthur lyle,

Or I will never
speak to you again

As long as I live.

- I promise.

- You smell like something from
the back of the refrigerator.

- I fell in a puddle.

- Mm-hmm,
and so did your computer,

Your elixir cards, and tv:
two weeks.

- Sounds fair.

- Good night.

[Birds chirping]

- You got the stuff?

- Taken right from
my brother's cd player.

I had to sneak
into my brother's room.

You know how psychotic he is.

I deserve hazard pay.

- Fair enough.

The rarest
and most powerful card

In the elixir quest arsenal.

It was discontinued
because of game balance reasons.

- I can almost feel the power.

- Use it wisely, my friend,

Because with great power
comes great responsibility.

Oh, and if I don't come back,
you get my comic books.

[Light guitar music]



- Nobody knows
what tomorrow's gonna bring

It may leave you
with nothing

And it may leave you
everything

- Nerd alert.
Nerd alert.

Geeks heading eastbound
on bikes.

- Get the bikes.

We got wedgies to give.

- And some are scared
of dying

And more afraid
to be alive

And some are scared
of living

Without somebody
by their side

You won't control
your future

Ask anyone
who's ever tried

And you may not get
where you're going

So enjoy the ride



[Upbeat music]



- You don't know me

I don't know you

What makes you think
you can say what you do

You don't know me

I don't know you

What makes you think
you can say what you do

- Every day I wake up
in the flesh

Every time I try
to hold my breath

Every time I'm told
to forget it

'Cause every time
I get committed

You don't get it,
got it all wrong, see

Everybody dies here but me

- I will make you sit back

[Boom box playing various songs]



- [Whistles]

Look at this spot, guys.

- Over here.

- Come on, guys.
- Perfect.

- They're not even gonna see
what's coming.

Alpha weapon.

Great job.

All right, guys,
fire in the hole.

- Oh, here it goes.

[Firecracker booming]

- He's scared.

Come on, guys,
let's light more.

[Laughs]
look at him.

[Firecrackers whistling
and booming]

[Laughter]

- Check this out.
- Man.

- That's an m-80.

It could k*ll him.

- Oh,
stop being such a wuss.

- Okay, back up.
Back up.

- [Groans]

[Grunts]
whoa.

[Coughs]

[Coughs]

- [Sighs]

- You hear anything?

- Metz.
- What?

- [Grunts]

- What is it?

- What happened?

Where'd he go?

- He's gone.
- I swear I saw something.

- You're crazy.
- There's nothing there.

- Yeah, I don't know.

- Seriously, guys, I swear.

- Mm-hmm.

- [Sneezes]

[Coughing]

[Blubbering]

[Mumbles]

- Whoa.

Whoa-h*-h*.

Oh, oh, i--you--
you don't want to eat me.

I mean, I'll give you diarrhea
or something.

No, no, please, don't.

Please, no, no.

[Upbeat rap music]





I'll never watch mtv again.

Thank you.

My name's arthur.

- Arthur.

- Yeah.

- Bart.

- Your name's bart.

Bart, that's...
That's a nice name.

Hey, bart, say cheese.

- Cheeeeeese.

- I'm--i'm sorry.

- Don't! Bad!

- Come on, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's just a little picture.

- [Grumbling]

- Does your orthodontist
know you're doing that?

You--you saved my life.

The least I can do
is save your teeth.

You can come with me.

I have tools.

You know, tools?

I'll--i'll be right back,

And I'll bring some--
some saws

And a wire cutters and a--

And a toothbrush

Or six, you know,
clean, minty fresh.

- Come back.

Arthur, come back.
Later.

Don't worry.
I'll be back, okay?

It's kind of a tight squeeze.

How do you get in here?

- This will all change
when I'm your mommy.

[Laughter]

- I have two words:
tsk, tsk.

- I did bring the boy here
after I saw how guilty he looked

Coming out of that sewer.

Said he wouldn't talk
to anybody

Till he saw his lawyer.

Which I just can't believe.

I mean, how could you not want
to talk to your stepmom?

Soon-to-be future stepmom.

But I will tell you this,
vice principal metz:

The boy does have
one heck of an imagination.

- Is that timmy?

- [Gulps]
- [gasps]

No.

- [Exhales deeply]

I wouldn't be doing my job
if I allowed you

To continue to use
the sewer system

As a substitute babysitter,
madam.

On the bright side,

The boy may have a future
in sanitation.

Maybe you should send him
to plumbing camp.

I'm sure that it would pay more
than checkout line.

- Oh, please, I have had
just about enough out of you.

- Temper, temper.

We are in the presence of...

Someone in a uniform.

Excellent fieldwork,
officer alice.

- Annie.
- Annie, whatever.

May I buy you a cup of sanka?

- I--i love sanka.

- Yes,
I thought you would.

Please see yourself out.

- Mom, i--

- Do not.

All right, maybe vice principal
voldemort was right.

Maybe I'm not doing a good job.

Maybe I should start
tivo-ing oprah.

- There are monsters
in the sewer, though.

- Enough with the make-believe,
arthur.

- I will take
a lie detector test, mom.

- You can't even pass
a social studies test.

Look, honey, if we don't start
working this out,

You're not gonna be living
with me or your dad

Or with the evil officer annie.

You're gonna be
in juvenile hall.

[Whistle blows]

Hello, officer.

- We need this car
reversed immediately.

- Why?

- We have an emergency here,

A carpet emergency.

- Hmm, honey,
I'm gonna drop you off here,

Because I have evil customers
waiting for me.

- Uh-huh.

- Honey...kiss.

- Yeah.

Tim, tim, just listen to me.

- I am worried about you.

You are losing your mind,
what left there is.

- Tim, this is a matter
of life and death.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, so is algebra.

Arthur?

Arthur!

- Ten minutes,
and bring nat.

- Did I mention
this is a whole lot of bad idea?

- I owe him.

- Can we get this show
on the road?

I got curfew.

- Tim, let's go.

- What about me?

- You're backup.
- What does that mean?

- You back us up.

[Funky electronic music]



- Come on, quickly.

Come on, snap to it.

- It's about to get bad.

- I haven't found him yet.

- It doesn't do anything
to a person.

It's specifically troll-grade.

- [Coughing]

- This should work, guys.

- Hurry, guys,
everyone, everyone.

- Come on, hurry up.

Come on, go. Go.

Come on, turn it up.

- There it is.

There it is over here.

Bring the smoke.

We need the smoke.

There it is.

- There he is.
- Grab the scanner.

Let's go, guys.
Here we go.

- There he is.
- It's him.

- Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

- Bart!
[Coughs]

Bart.

Bart.

[Coughs]

He needs air.

- Trick or treat.

- I didn't sign up
to k*ll a kid, guys.

All right, well...

- This is foxtrot hulu.

- It's just a stupid kid.

It's a stupid kid.

Let's go.

- Let's get out of here.

- Are we done?
- Like I said, let's go.

- [Coughs]

Come on, bart.

[Air hissing]

- [Coughs]

- Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Come on, bart.

Come on, I got you.
You can do it.

Come on.
Come on.

- Come back.

- Nat, over here now.

Come on. Come on.
Get in.

It's okay, bart.

Just get in.

- It's okay.
Go.

- What are you doing?

- I'm hot-wiring the car.

I learned it in scouts.

It's not all cookies
and knee-high socks, you know.

[Engine turns over]

- Get the other one.
- That's not us.

- Follow them.

[Upbeat rock music]



- I'm living
in the fast lane

- Did you learn to drive
in scouts too?

- No, playstation.

- I'm living in the fast lane,
buddy

[Tires screeching]

[Record scratches]

- What's going on?

- Stop sign.

- Stop signs don't count
in car chases.

[Tires squealing]

- I'm living
in the fast lane

I'm living
in the quick lane

- I think
you're making him sick.

- How can you tell?

Does he get uglier?

- They're gaining on us.

[Tires squealing]

- Get out of the way.

- I'm living
in the fast lane

I'm living
in the quick lane

- All right,
we lost them.

Something tells me those guys
weren't carpet cleaners.

[Tires screeching]

- Wow.

- Would you stop doing that?

Come on.
Just run it over.

- It's my first time driving.

I refuse to run over something.

This is one evil little dog.

- Oh, no.
It's metz.

- Okay, get out of the car.

- Out of the car.
Come on.

Come on, faster.

Come on, bart, keep up.

Dang, get off me.

- Well, well, well,
queen arthur,

Looks like you brought
your mother.

- Don't talk about my mother,
metz.

- Or what?

- Burn.

- Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I--i've been shot in the...

- Chem-dry?

- It's "kem"-dry,
and I'm not buying it.

- Who chained him up?

- Darksmoke.

- He said, "darksmoke."

- What's a darksmoke?

- It's an evil dragon king,
really evil,

Vice principal metz evil.

- But it's a card game.

It's make-believe.

- Hello,
there's a troll in his garage.

- Guess this game
just got real.

- Elixir quest
isn't a card game?

It's real history?

I've been reading history?

- Judging from the shackle
around his leg,

I guess he must have been
darksmoke's prisoner,

And he must have escaped.

- Does this mean
evil dragon lord guy--whatever--

Will come looking for him?

- Those guys in the van,
they must be working for ds.

- Oh.

- Oh...

- My...

- Wow.

He regenerates.

[Bouncy music]

Potions?

What the--

No.

No, no, no, no.

We can't do this right now.

No, my mom is going to be home
any minute,

And she doesn't understand
trolls and potions

And sewers and...

I'm dead.

- So magic potion.

That's the best you got?

- It's the truth.

- Darn it, arthur.

Every time you get caught,

You think you have to lie
your way out.

What do you want to end up,
a politician?

- I will neither confirm
or deny that.

- Drink it.

- It's not that kind of a drink,
though.

- Arthur lyle,
you are not going to bed

Until you drink every last bit
of this magic potion.

Drink it.

- Okay.

- More.

All of it.

I don't see you turning
into a frog or anything.

[Doorbell rings]

Jiminy christmas.

If you're gonna throw up,

Don't use
the bathroom downstairs.

I just cleaned it.

- Oh, please don't be love.
Please don't be love.

Please don't be love.

- This is really not
a good time.

- Your son is in deep doo-doo,
madam.

- Oh...
Cuckoo!

- Did you just say--

- Yes.

- No, no.

Arthur, the wicked
vice principal of the west

Seems to think that you've
committed some sort of crime,

So could you please
set the record straight

So she can return to her coffin
before the sun rises?

- Mm-hmm,
everyone's a comedian.

Well, mr. Lyle?

- I stole a van.

- Uh...he's been drinking.

- Drinking?

- Yeah, well, it's fine,
'cause I gave it to him.

- [Sighs]

Mr. Lyle, did you or did you not
take something

From the animal control people?

- Yes.

- And what was it?

- A troll.

- [Laughs]

- And...

- I brought him home,
and he's in the garage.

- Mm. Hmph.

- No, no, no, no, no,
that's my garage.

- No,
it's me or the police,

And the last time I looked,
auto theft was still a crime,

And so is mixing c*ck
for middle schoolers.

- What are you doing?

No troll, huh?

Guess you're gonna have to find
your dates on the internet

Like the rest of us.

- What--

[Sniffs]

- That's it.
Sniff somebody else's trash.

- You know,
I bet your ex-husband

Would be very interested
in the criminal behavior,

The drinking, the potty mouth,
all of it.

- You...

[Whistle blows]

- [Tutting]

I got my eye on you
and you,

Both of you.

[Sniffing]

- We better follow her.

She's gonna sniff our underwear.

- What?

[Dog barking]

- [Sighs]

Look, I'll call your father
in the morning.

I think it's best
that he hear it from me.

[Sighs]

- I want to live with you.

- Look, we'll just...

We'll talk about it
in the morning.

[Gentle piano and guitar music]

- 'Cause I was just
lying about

The life I had

And where is the magic
that holds the sky up

And makes me look upward
whenever it rains

And where is the feeling
that fills my life up

[Footsteps tapping
and chain rattling]

- [Roars]

- Arthur,
are you awake?

- I am now.

- Come on, get up.

I made you breakfast.

- Oh.
Who let you guys in?

- Bart.

I think bart's
been gathering equipment.

- Oh, my gosh.

- It's all in the cards.

I figured it out last night.

Trolls are the only regenerators

In the entire
elixir quest system,

And trolls are alchemists.

- What's an alchemist?

Both:
duh.

- They mix together chemicals
to make potions.

I guess he's making something,
but I'm not sure what.

- Please, I got this.

All the potions match up
with elixir quest cards,

Except the gold one.

That one's not in the game.

It's a work in progress.

Whatever it is,
it'll be done by midnight.

- What's the black one?

- Touch it, no.
Bad.

- Bad news in a bottle.

- Never touch the black one.

- My bad.

So now what?

Wait till midnight?

- No, I know someone
who may know

What the gold potion is.

Shane barker.

Morning, mom.

- Oh, honey.

- Hey, I made you
some breakfast.

Yeah, I made eggs,
some bacon brownies

And some potatoes extra crispy,
and juice.

- Oh, honey,
that's so sweet.

But look, if I take you to that
elixir quest convention today,

They're gonna revoke
my mom's license, so...

Honey, you can't go.

- Did I mention I made coffee?

- [Gasps]

[Upbeat rock music]

[Snoring]



[All cheering]



- You're too close
to the shoulder.

- Stop it.
You're making me nervous.

- No, that's my...

- [Retching]

- Mom's.

- Ew.
- Cool.

- Tim.

[Siren wails]

- Oh, no.

- What?

What?

- Police, the po-pos.

Yes.

- I have an idea,
pure genius.

- It's good.

Ah.

- Oh, gadzooks.

Oh, it tastes like feet.

- Feet?

- Yes, feet.

- Shh.
- Shh, guys, they're here.

- Step out of the car,
please.

- There. There.

[Grunting]

- Suckers.

All right.

- Coast is clear.

[Upbeat rock music]

- Let's go.
Let's go.



- That's how it's done, boys.

- All right, let's go, guys.

- Get out.

- How?

- Get out.

Jump over.

Do it. Look.

- Look at that.

- This is gonna be so cool.

[All speaking at once]

[Upbeat rock music]



- Nice costume.

- Don't talk to strangers.

Come on, bart.

- It seems you've reached
the point of no return



You tell them
that it's serious

Ironic and mysterious

They'll love you

Oh, they'll love you



The desert comes alive
against the headlights

Tonight I write
exactly how I feel



- Come on.
This way.

- Hooray, gold star

You've come so far

And everything you see

Everything you see
is like a photograph

- [Snorting]

- Could you sign this,
please?

"To a really big fan."

- Hey.

- Mr. Shane barker,
this is our troll.

- Nice.

So, uh...what,
you want me to sign his nose?

- Darksmoke is real.

- Yeah, look,
hardy boys, nancy drew,

I get the whole
role-playing thing,

But we got a line
around the block,

So if you got something
for me to sign...

- Look.

- Huh?

Oh, yummy.

- Yes, thank you.

Very nice, criss angel,
but like I said,

The line's 200 deep,

And I got to hand out
a lifetime achievement award

To the olsen twins
in 20 minutes.

Translation: next.

- Wait. Look.

- [Grunts]

- He's--
- regenerating?

- But that's--
- impossible?

- Wow,
and you finish my sentences.

This is weird.

Okay, um...

- All right, let's go.

- Here you go, sweetie.

That's for you.

You can keep that.

I'll be back in...two weeks.

Got to go.

- Where are you...

- Oh, man, hard-core.

This is just like my dreams.

- Maybe you should
seek therapy.

- I have.

It didn't work.
Trust me.

It all started
back when I was in reha--

Camp--camp reha.

I kept dreaming about trolls
and dragons and darksmoke.

I'm talkin' dreams,
vivid dreams,

Like--like--like visions.

- Maybe you had esp.

- Kid,
they didn't have cable.

- Couldn't you have dreamt
about sheep

Or lottery numbers?

- Or lady friends.

- [Laughs]

Dude, I so wish,

But all I kept getting
were potions, ingredients,

And...
And a troll named bart.

- Bart.

- Bart.
- That's me, bart.

- That's his name, isn't it?
- It's me.

- [Laughs]

Ow.

I had this image of him
in a dungeon or lab,

A little bit of both.

He was darksmoke's prisoner.

- Darksmoke...
[Grumbles]

- I was right.
That explains the chain.

- Darksmoke had him working
on control potions...

And something bigger.

- You need to see something.

- Drippy thing,

Mystic vapor,

Regeneration potion.

It's called "personal space."

It's a reversal potion.

- There's no reversal potion
in elixir quest.

- Eyes only, kid.

Ash...

Limestone...

Mud pepper.

It's transfiguration.

- If transfiguration potions
are still around...

- Then darksmoke
is still around.

- But he doesn't look like
a dragon anymore.

- Which means darksmoke
can be anywhere.

- That's right...

Or anyone.

Oh, mom was right.

I should have finished
community college.

- What do we do?

- I don't know.

Send him back
to the mother ship.

Sell him to a freak show.

- Bart's one of the good guys.

- How do you know?

For all you know,
he could be darksmoke.

You'd better get
a propane torch.

- Because...

- Because fire is the only way
to finish off a regenerator.

- Nobody is gonna
charbroil bart.

- I've got a serious migraine.

Mm-ngah, mm-ngah, mm.

Nnh-nnh, nnh, mama.

- Bart escaped from darksmoke.

- Yeah, bart's one of us.

- Bart's not going anywhere,
and if you tattle--

- Tattle?
Really?

[Laughs]

Shane, old boy, you have got
to get a new agent.

Hey, hey, hey,
take it easy, jackie chan, huh?

- Aspirin?
- [Laughs]

I knew I liked you, kid.

I just didn't know why.

Look, guys, I really think,
for your own safety,

We've got to get
some serious help.

Oh, you little twit.

- Red potion.

Ring any bells?

Yeah, that's right:
control.

You're gonna do
whatever we say.

Halt.

- No.

- Sit.

Roll over.

Play dead.

- Yeah?
I'll show you "play dead."

- Tim, that potion wasn't red.
It's pink.

- Come here,
you little snot-nosed,

Bed-wetting,
underwear-skidding brat.

[Knock at door]

- Uh-oh.

- What is all
the commotion about?

Did somebody...

- Oh,
can I get your number, baby

So I can call you sometime

Can I get your number, baby

So I can call you tonight

Can I get your number, baby

So I can call you some--

[Record scratches]

- Arthur, who is this guy
in the leather pants?

- He is my...
Science teacher.

- Really?

You don't strike me
as science-y.

- What do I strike you as,

My little chrysanthemum?

- We're working
on my science fair project.

- Ah, and so he's the, uh,
science fairy?

- He's mister...

- Baggins.

- Baggins, ah.

Well, uh,
hello, mr. Baggins.

And so what is my arthur doing
for the science fair?

- Oh,
it beats the heck out of--

- It's complicated.

- Oh.

Hmm, looks complicated.

- Beer.

- Beer?

- Uh, he's...
Brewing beer.

- Is beer really
an appropriate project

For a seventh grade
science fair?

- Not as acceptable as wine.

- Wine?

- Wine, some candlelight...

I mean, over dinner.

- [Laughs]

Um...

Excuse me.

- [Laughs]

[Sighs]

- Have her back by 12:00.

We need to go
through his stuff.

Maybe there's something
that will clue us in

To who darksmoke really is.

- Like a christmas card
from darksmoke?

- No, no.
I said no touching.

No, it's bad.

- Tim, take bart downstairs
and...

Teach him how to use
the microwave.

- The microwave?

- Tim, just do it.

- Microwave 101
coming right up.

- Bart, go with tim.

- [Grumbling]

Touch, no.
Bad. No.

- I haven't been dating,
although some people,

You know, have asked me.

I just think
it would be weird for arthur.

I mean, think about it:

Your mother on a date,

Making out
in the back of a movie theater.

I'm not implying
that this is a date

Or that any making of anything
will be involved.

This is purely a rated "t"
for "teen" date, right?

[Laughs]
how many times did I say "date"?

Wow.

You smell something?

- Oh, it's my cologne.

I call it "barbarian."

- No, I don't think so.

- Oh.

- Ew, zut alors.

Yuck.

- So tell me about--

- Hey, hey, hey.

Keep 'em
where I can see 'em huh?

- I'm sorry.

It's just...
I love you.

- "Butt."

B-u-t-t.

Butt.

- Bart.

- No, no, no, not bart.
- Bart.

- No, not bart.

Buuuu-utt.

Buuuu-utt.

- Butt.

- Yes, butt.
- Butt.

- Butt.
- Butt.

- And out of your butt
comes a fart.

- Faa-art.

- Fart.
- Fart, butt.

- Butt, fart.

- Fart.
- Fart.

- Fart
- and burp.

Burp is out of your mouth,

Like if you had a big--

- [Burps]
- burp.

- Burp.

- If you had a big soda,
then you got to burp.

[People chattering]

- Look, mommy.
Look at me.

- Check this out.

- Mmm.

- Wow, that's some pizza.

- Here you go, kid.
Buy yourself some fresca.

Oh, this place is so romantic,
isn't it?

- I know. I know.
- Mm.

- Custom-made pizza
and a delicious diet sprite.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, you know what?

I got to make a phone call,

So just flirt
amongst yourselves, okay?

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

[Sighs]

- Neo...alithi...uminum.

- You think bart's
the new chemistry teacher?

- Oh, yeah,
new high score.

- Ooh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, this stuff is good.

- It's working.

- I guess he's never seen e.t.

Hello.

Get him.

- Okay, okay,
hey, hey, hey.

You want to go
somewhere else?

- Yes, home, alone.

Mm,
or coffee with you.

- [Groans]

- Maybe he has a girlfriend.

Or maybe he went
to vegas, baby.

Or maybe he went
to ireland or--

- Tim, tim,
he wouldn't just do that.

He's an alchemist.

He just won't leave
all his stuff,

His magic potions
and his beakers,

Everywhere in my room.

- You want to go
look for him?

- No.

We don't have to.

We have divination potion.

- What'd you see?

- Nothing.
It must be a dud.

I know where he is.
We have to hurry.

- Okay, but before we save
the world and stuff,

I better call my parents.

[Beeping]

[Dog barking]

- Maybe it fell
off the circus truck.

- Maybe it fell
off the ugly truck.

- We gonna stick firecrackers
in his mouth?

- Shut up, munch.

- What about water balloons?
- Shut up.

- Or maybe we can put grendel
in the cage

And watch them fight.

- I said shut up.

This right here
is my first-place ribbon

For the science fair tomorrow.

Hey, troll.

- [Grunting]

[Sneezes]

- Ah! Alien slime.
Alien slime.

[Screaming]

- Hey--hey,
what if metz is darksmoke?

He's dark,
and he smokes and--

- Hey, hey,
we have the potions.

It's just like in elixir quest.

We can fight him
with the potions.

- [Gasp]
- [exhales forcefully]

- Okay, okay, why are we--
why are we at the school?

This is definitely the worst
date I've ever been on.

- Don't you have a cell phone?

- Yeah, yeah,
it's in my pocket over here.

- Well,
let me try to reach it.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
just the phone.

- Okay, all right.
Take it easy. I'm sorry.

Look,
I'm sorry about before.

I--i wasn't feeling myself.

You know,
you're really not my type.

- Oh, I'm not your type, huh?

Yeah, well,
you could have fooled me.

- No, no, no.
That's not what I meant.

You're fine.
You're just--

- I'm just what?

- Too...mom-ish.

- Amish?
- Mom-ish.

- Mo--oh, mom-ish,
too mom-ish.

Nice, nice.

- It's just an observation.

- Well, thank you,
captain obvious.

I am a mom.

I don't have time
to walk around in leather pants

Reading comic books.

I have bills to pay
and meals to make

And a little boy
to civilize.

- Enough, enough. I...

You're a good mom.

- Look, what are you anyway?
Who are you?

You are definitely not
a science teacher.

- [Chuckles]
thank you, mama obvious.

- Yeah, well...
Are you a serial k*ller?

- I didn't have
the s.a.t. Scores.

- Oh, I had to ask.

- Look, I'm a game designer,
okay?

I'm huge in finland.

I designed the game
elixir quest.

Anyway, it's this game
based on trolls and dragons

That actually live
in our world.

Your son discovered a troll
that may hold the key

To restoring
the most vile dragon of them all

To his previous reign of evil.

- So you're not
a serial k*ller.

You're just crazy.

- Okay, look, how about I try
for that phone one more time?

- Is it off?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Is it off?
- Yeah, yeah.

- You'd be freaking too if you
just got splattered in the face.

It might be radioactive
or something.

- Metz, we only have a few hours
before the science fair.

- Then we best start
the dissection.

- [Growls]

[Both grunting]

[Whistle blows]

- Get the phone.
[Gasps]

- I should be able
to hear a pin drop.

Oh, mrs. Lyle,

Who is your
gentleman friend, hmm?

He's quite a catch.

You don't remember me,
do you?

- Oh, wow,
you make one bad mistake.

Look, I was young--

[Whistle blows]
- you idiot.

You used to work here.

- See?
I was a teacher.

- You were a janitor...

Who saw something

He shouldn't have seen.

- This gig is so temporary.

I'm an artist.

Of course I remembered
your birthday.

Yes,
you're gonna love it.

In fact,
I got it right here.

You're gonna--
you're gonna think

It's the most romantic thing
ever.

Yes...

[Door creaking]

- It won't be long now,
my stinky little fur baby,

And all of our hard work
will have paid off,

And the world will once again
know the name lord darksmoke.

Now let's go do poopy time,

And then we can watch
your animal planet, hmm?

- Oh.

[Sniffs]

Oof.

Yeesh.

No way.

Whoa.

- [Whimpering]

- What are you?

No.

Get.

- What are you doing in here?

- Uh, sweeping.

That's not true.

- What's in your hand?

- Uh...
- Give it to me.

Give it to me.

No.

You ate the list of ingredients
to the reversal potion

Which will return lord darksmoke
to his full form.

We have gathered
all the ingredients except one.

- Why don't I remember that?

- Because you went
to the po-po.

- You.

- You were there
and you were there

And your little dog too.

An amnesia potion.

- All right, zip it,
scarecrow.

We slipped it into your sanka
at the jail.

- Hey, that's my deck.

- Yes,
we took the liberty

Of rummaging
through your pockets.

- I should shower.

- This extension pack
is supposed to have

A reversal potion card
with a list of ingredients

Which has been buried
in our subconscious.

- It seems like
if you have what you need,

Why don't you just let us go?

- 'Cause that card
is missing.

- Well,
I'll do a cavity search.

Spread your cheeks.

- Ngah.

Huh?

- Lots of cavities.
No card, though, metz.

- Thank you.
Stand down, officer annie.

- Wh--what do we do now?

- Get on the phone.
- Okay.

- Order me a sanka.

- What the--

They're all purple.

- I mixed in kool-aid.

- No.

- I didn't open
the black one.

- You don't just mix kool-aid
with potions.

That's how you tell, like,
uh, which one's which.

- Ever heard of labels?
- Hey, hey, enough.

We'll just have
to take our chances.

Only use the potions
as a last resort.

- Okay.

- You've got yours.

You guys ready?

- It touched me.

- There's a rule
at the science fair:

No dogs, pigs, frogs, snakes...
If they're alive.

But if they're dead...

Come on, alien,

Time for a close encounter
of the metz kind.

- Arthur.

- Step away
from the troll, metz.

- Queen arthur?

[Laughter]

Go get him, you morons.

- [Groaning]

- Looks like queen arthur
needs a haircut.

[Weed whacker whirring]

- Wow, metz, you're a freak.

I should have listened
to my mother.

- I wonder what queen arthur's
gonna look like with a buzz cut.

- Oh, yeah!

- I think
I just tinkled myself.

- You see, metz,
you don't mess

With the knights
of the square table.

Nice job, tim.

[Laughter]

[Beeping]

- Oh, ooh, ah, ah, no, no.

Yes, yes.

Yes, the potions.

- Darksmoke.

- Get darksmoke.

My mom's gonna k*ll me.

- Darksmoke took bart's potion.

[Phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hello?

- Arthur lyle.

- Yes?

- We need you to report
to the principal's office now.

- I don't understand.

- Arthur, honey,
don't listen to her.

Don't...

- Mom?

- Bring the alchemist.

[Dial tone humming]

- Mom?

[Crow cawing]

- He knows darksmoke's inside.

- I think
it's where he escaped from.

Somewhere in there
was the dragon's lair.

Our bag of potions is
the only way to stop darksmoke.

- Tim and I got that.

What are you and bart
gonna do?

- I don't know.

- If you did,
I might be worried.

Be careful.

- You're not gonna kiss me,
are you?

- Ew, no, gross. Ugh.

- Bart,
my mom's in there.

I need your help
to get her out.

All right, let's go.

- I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

On a roll with a troll

On a quest we will go

Fighting a w*r
in the hallways and sewers

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

I am not afraid

- It's superest glue.

- That's cool.

- A teenage dragonslayer

- Hey, munch.
- What do you want?

- The lord of the ding-a-lings.

Where's metz?

- I don't know.

You sicko.
- Where?

- He's over there.

- Ah.

[Gagging]

- Yes.

- Whoa!

- Well, I see you've completed
your homework assignment...

Finally.

- Where's my mom?

- I'm right here, baby.

- But where's my real mom?

- All right, not so fast.

The troll hasn't delivered
the goods yet.

- You have the potion.

What do you need bart for?

- I need that one
final ingredient.

Oh, and that trampy mother
of yours

Is in the storage closet.

Oh, isn't this fun?

- Well...

- Annie,
bring in lord darksmoke.

- Grendel is darksmoke?

[Alarm ringing]

[All screaming]

- Annie, get your g*n.

No, better yet,
lock all the doors.

Lord darksmoke
will be hungry.

- Help!

- Hey.

- Help! Help!

- Mom?
Mom, is that you?

- Arthur.

- Arthur, my man.

- Mom,
who is in there with you?

- That teacher,
mr. Elixir quest or something.

[All screaming]

- Open the door.
- How?

- Here,
take my credit card.

- What am I supposed to do,
pay someone to open the door?

- Just open it.

[Dramatic music]



- [Growling]

[Glass shattering]

- Arthur.

- Here, me try.
You look.

- Oh!

[Grunts]

- Mommy.

- Hasta la vista, baby.

- Run!

- [Roaring]

- Shane, shane, shane!

- What? What? What?

- [Retching]

- Thanks...i think.

Really, thanks.
Thanks.

- Are you--

Ew, ugh.

- Mom, there's no escape.

- The doors are all locked.

- Oh, look.

- Help!

- What is he doing?

- Someone get me down.
Get me down.

- You idiot.

- He doesn't deserve it,

But we got to get him down.

- All right, come on, natalie,
get on my shoulders.

- Help.
[Screaming]

- Watch your feet.

- Come on.
Hurry, guys, please.

- Grab him.

Pull.

Hold on. Hold on.

Pull.
- Pull.

- Oh, come on.

- Oof!
- Oh! Oh!

- The secret door.

Come on.

- Hurry up.
Come on.

- Oh, you...

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Go.

Go.
- Come on.

- Go.

Hurry up.
Hurry up.

Get down there.

- [Screams]

[Mystical music]



- Take care of the kids.
I'll handle this.

- Okay.

- Mm-hmm.

- Whew.
- Ow, ow.

- [Growling]

- [Screams]

- Shane, are you okay?

- Yeah,
nothing that traction

And 11 months of therapy
won't fix.

- Nice doggy.

Don't suppose
you want to play fetch.

- [Roaring]

- Darksmoke.

- [Roaring]

- [Screams]

Both:
shh.

- What is that?

Get me out of here.
Get me out.

- Quiet, quiet.
- Shh.

[Pounding on door]

- Hey, hey.

- Go. Go. Go. Go.

- Natalie.
- Let's run.

- Ow, hot.

Ow, ow, hot.

- Ah!

- [Growling]

- We need help.

We need the police
or the army or godzilla.

- I'm gonna die in here
with nerds.

I'm gonna die in here
with nerds.

- [Gasps]

- Shh.

- Thanks.

- It's bart's lab.

- Control potions.

- They must have been used
on the school faculty,

Annie,
the exterminator.

Darksmoke's been
controlling them the whole time.

- What?

Hmm.

[Gasps]

[Cell phone ringing]

- Hello.

- Hello, am I speaking
with laura lyle?

- Yes.

- This is jerry reynolds
from iac.

I'm calling
about your visa bill.

We have one of three options
you can...

- How do they find me?

- [Roaring]

[Whistle blows]

- [Groaning]

- Help.

Oh, my gosh.
Honey.

- Mom.

Mom, you made it.
Are you okay?

- Oh, honey.

I am so sorry
I didn't believe you.

That thing.

Oh, my gosh.

Bart's hurt.

- No.
Was it fire?

- Yes.

- We need to make
our next move now.

- What do we got?
- This.

- Oh, man.
Rock and roll.

I'm loving this troll
more and more every minute.

- What is it?
- It's fire protection.

- Let me have it.
- No, tim.

- I'm the fastest.

- All right, but you're not
gonna go alone.

- Okay.

- You distract,
and we'll do the rest.

- What am I
supposed to do?

- You're backup.

- Yeah, what's that?

- You back us up.

- Let's go, guys.

- No, no.
No, no, no, you can't go.

That thing's gonna k*ll you.
- Mom.

- No, arthur, no.

- Mom,
you have to trust me.

My friend's up there,
and he's hurt.

- All right.

- Let's go.
Tim, you go up first.

- I will.
- Be careful.

- Tim,
drink the anti-fire potion.

- [Blows raspberry]

Oh, my.

Whoa.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my.

- Stay low.

- Bart.

Hey, bart.

- Oh, scary.
Scary.

Oh, my gosh.

Cool.

- Arthur, you can't.

- He's my friend.

- He's our friend,
but we got a dragon to slay.

- Tim,
get back in the sewer.

- [Roaring]

- Tim, come on.

- Hurry.

- Hang on to something.

It's about to get really bad.

- Okay, get in here.
Get in here.

Laura, grab that shackle.
Put it on your ankle.

It'll keep you safe.

- Okay.

- Hey, darksmoke.

I got some bad news for you,

Bad news in a bottle.

[All screaming]

- Hold on!
- Hold on!

Hold on, shane!

- Hold on.

- It's coming.
Come on!

- [Screams]

Oh, I can't get it.

[Screams]

- Grab my pants.

They're not coming off.

- Hold on!

- [Grunting]

- Hold on!
Hold on!

[All screaming]

- Hold on!

- We got you.

- [Laughs]

Nice job.

- [Gasping]

Are you okay?

- We made it.

Oh, we made it.

- Oh, yes!

Both:
ew.

- Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

- Is he...

- No.

- What...
What are you doing?

Honey,
what is it?

- Come on, bart.

Come on.

- Arthur.

- He--he's changing.

He--he's--he's--
mom, he's healing.

Look.

- Oh!

- [Mumbles]

[Laughter]

- Honey, next time,
bring home a puppy.

[Laughter]

All right, who's hungry?

- I am.
- Tim is.

- I know he wanted to cook,
but is he okay?

- Yeah, he's got this thing
about fire.

- Yeah, well...
[Indistinct]

- I got darksmoke.

- Ouch.

- [Laughs]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

I've got a card
that will beat that.

All:
whoa.

- It's part of the elixir quest
heroes extension deck.

- But you forgot someone.

- Yeah, where's bart?

- Bart has his own card.

- Well,
there's a card of a troll,

But bart's earned
his own card.

- Yeah.

- It's in the extension pack.

I gave you guys a sneak peek
at elixir quest fest.

See, the original potion
wasn't meant for darksmoke.

It was meant for bart.

- Huh?

- Whoa.

That's amazing.

- What's he doing?
- What's he doing?

- I don't know.

- What's the potion for?

- Bart.

- Bart?

- It was important that
all his friends are here today.

- [Groaning]

- Whoa.

- Whoa.

- That's amazing.

- Tobar the golden dragon.

- I should have known.

- Arthur.

- [Roaring]

- Look at how fast he is.

- Whoa.

- [Laughing]
oh, yes.

Look at that.

- That's awesome.

- Oh, no way.

- What's he doing?

- Oh, coming right at us.

Whoa.
- Whoa!

- [Laughs]

- He's going home.

- Ugh, those filthy kids.

- Mom,
when are we going home?

- Ah, I've still got to do
the toilets.

- Well, hurry it up.
I'm hungry.

- Ugh.
[Groans]

Arrgh, get in here,
you stupid mop.

- There.

Oh, yeah.

[Laughs]

- Back in the day,
well, they all used to say

That king arthur
really had it made

There were dragons to slay,
a princess to save

And no such thing
as getting good grades

No bullies to battle,
no principals rattling off

Everything you've ever
done wrong

Just castles and knights
who were up for the fight

When some evil dragon
came along

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

Those days are gone

There's no swords
to be drawn

It's an ordinary
everyday bore

But if dragons were back
I'll be first to attack

Between homework,
school, and chores

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

On a roll with a troll

On a quest we will go

Fighting a w*r
in the hallways and sewers

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
to save the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm
a teenage dragonslayer

I am not afraid

I'm just an average teenager
saving the day

I am not afraid

'Cause I'm a teenage dragon,
a teenage dragon

A teenage dragonslayer