Pirates, The! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012)

[bunniefuu]

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

BEEFEATER:
Admiral Collingwood!

Well, Admiral?

Great news,
Your Majesty!

The French are
defeated at last.

Also the Russians,
the Portuguese,

the Chinese

and the Welsh.

Then our navy
rules the ocean.

Almost entirely,
Your Majesty.

"Almost"?

[STAMMERING]
Unfortunately, just here,

we're still having
a little trouble with...

[GULPS]

...pirates.

What does it say on my
royal crest, Admiral?

"I hate pirates,"

ma'am.

Exactly.

Hate them.

With their idiotic shanties!

And their
ridiculous hats!

And their endless,
blasted roaring!

I want them sunk,
Admiral!

Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks.
Do you hear me?

I hate pirates!

It's the looting.

It's the cutlasses.

It's the looting!

It's the cutlasses!

Looting!

Cutlasses!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Looting!
[PUNCH SMACKS]

Oh!

[ACCORDION CLANKS]

[SCREAMS]

[PIRATES GRUNTING]

[PIRATES GASP]
[ALL QUIET]

Sorry, Captain.

We were just discussing what's the
best bit about being a pirate.

Oh, YOU were,
were you?

I suggested it
might be the looting.

Whereas I contend
it's the shiny cutlasses.

And I thought it was the chance
to catch exotic diseases.

Hmm.

Well, you're,
all of you, wrong.

The best bit
about being a pirate

isn't the looting
or the cutlasses.

It's not the grog
or the scurvy.

Or the scantily
clad mermaids.

The best bit
about being a pirate

is Ham Night!

[CHEERING]

Ham Night!

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

PIRATE: Ham Night!

ALL: Ham!

[CHEERING,
EXCITED CHATTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

PIRATE: On your nose.

Go, Captain. Go, Captain.

Hey! Hey!

[PANTS RIP]
Ooh!

[MUSIC ENDS]

It's like a meat ballet.

To Ham Night!
Ham!

And to the Pirate Captain!
Pirate Captain!

Pirate Captain!

[CHEERING]

How was that, Number Two?

You've still
got it, Captain.

I'd take a jellyfish
in the face for that man.

Okay, now, shush, shush, shush.
Settle down, lads. Shush.

Lads, lads.
Pirates!

It's not all about me.
Don't be modest.

No, no, no.

Behind every captain
with glittering eyes

and a luxuriant beard...
Luxuriant!

That's what it is.
[CHEERING]

...there's a crew
of briny rogues.

Briny rogues!

Sure, some of you are as
ugly as a sea cucumber.

Will you get away with ya?

Some of you are closer to being a
chair or coat rack than a pirate.

And some of you are just fish
I've dressed up in a hat.

But you're still the best crew
a captain could wish for.

[CHEERING]
Oh, oh!

Don't forget Polly.

And not forgetting,
never forgetting...

...Polly. The finest parrot
to sail the seven seas.

Come on, girl.

ALBINO PIRATE:
I love her beady eyes.

Who's the feathery heart
and soul of our boat?

Is it you? Is it you?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It's definitely you,
isn't it?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Right. [STUTTERS]
Where was I?

Ah, yes! Ah, yes.

Important announcement.

[GASPS] PIRATE: Ooh!
Shh-shh, shh-shh!

By order of
the Pirate King himself...

[ALL GASP]

[DRUMROLL]

[GAS PS]

The Pirate of
the Year Awards?

[HIGH-PITCHED]
Are you going to...

[DEEP VOICE] Are you
going to enter again?

That I am, Surprisingly
Curvaceous Pirate.

I know it hasn't worked out
perfectly for the last...




Exactly, Pirate with Gout.


It might be a bit more.


Yes, yes.
Thank you, thank you.

PIRATE 1: You were very good, though.
PIRATE 2: Shush!

The point is, every time I've
entered I've failed to win.

So by the sheer
law of maths...

[PIRATES GASP]

Ooh! Maths.

...I must have a really
good chance this time.

Are you with me, lads?

[CHEERING]

Yes! This can
only end brilliantly.

Then let's go plundering!

[CHEERING]

# Deep in the castle
and back from the w*r #

# Back with milady
and the fires burnt tall #

# Hoorah, went the men down below #

# All outside was the rain and snow #

[SCREAMS]

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

# Over the hill #
[CANNONS BOOMING]

# Came the swords of a thousand men #

[LAUGHING AND HOOTING]

# We had to meet the enemy a mile away #

# Thunder in the air
and the sky turned gray

# Assembling the knights
[TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE]

# And their swords
were sharp

# There was hope #
[FAINT SCREAMING]

# In our English hearts #
[g*nf*re]

# Hear our roar, hear our sound #

# We're gonna fight
until we have won this town #

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

# Over the hill came the
swords of a thousand men #

Ooh!

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

[CHEERING]

# Over the hill came the
swords of a thousand men #

[HUMMING]

[CHEERING]

Land h*!

Ah.

Blood Island.

So-called because it's the
exact shape of some blood.

[HORN HONKS MUSICALLY]
[GRUNTS]

[SHIP CREAKING]

# Hear our triumph, hear our roar #

# We're gonna drink a
barrel and much, much more #

# Hoorah, hoorah,
hoorah, yeah #

Ha!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

# Over the hill came the
swords of a thousand men #

[REVERSE ALARM CHIRPING]

[GASPING]

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

Yeah!
[SCREAMS]

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #

# Over the hill went the
swords of a thousand men #

[PEOPLE CONVERSING]

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Excuse me. Mind out.

Captain coming through.
[GLASS SHATTERS]

Thank you very much.
[PEOPLE GRUNTING]

Thank you.

One Pirate of the Year
entry form, if you please.

Thank you.

Now, let's see.

"Booty"?

Oh, yes.

"Roaring." Check.

Shanties.

I shall put "rousing."

"Beard"?

Luxuriant.

Obviously. Duh.

Do you think I should
sign it in blood?

Make it more dramatic?

Might be a bit
on the showy side.

Bit too much.
You might be right.

Pirate Captain.

You can't lose, Captain.

I'd bet my face.

Well, thank you,
Albino Pirate.

You're a shoo-in, sir.

Sure, there's not a pirate on
the seven seas can match you.

[PEOPLE GASPING, SCREAMING]

Lock up your daughters!

[LAUGHS]

It's me,
Peg-Leg Hastings!

Back from plunderin'
the Spanish Main.

Oh, good grief.

And I reckon
this will make me

Pirate of the Year.
[ALL GASP]

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

[GROANS]

Don't worry, sir.
He's all flash and no bang.

[expl*si*n BOOMS]

[BLOWS]

ALBINO PIRATE:
Ah, Cutlass Liz.

The Butcher of Barbados.

Hello, boys.

Whoa.

You're probably all wondering if I'm
still as deadly as I am beautiful.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I am.

Hello, Cutlass,
you trollop.

Peg-Leg,
you pile of squid bait.

Check it out, lubbers.

[PEOPLE GASP]

The world's biggest diamond.

That baby's
got my name on it.

[CHEERING]

She doesn't even
have a beard.

[RUMBLING, RATTLING]

[GAS PS]

[CHATTERING]

[ALL SHUDDERING]

[RUMBLING]

[GAS PS]

[BOTH GASP]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[PEOPLE GASPING]

[CHEERING]

Oh, sweet Neptune's
briny pants.

Black Bellamy.

[CHEERING]
[g*nsh*t]

[BELL DINGING]

Roar!

Read it and weep, ya coves!

That's right, Black Bellamy is
gonna be Pirate of the Year.

Again.

How are you?
Good to see you.

Grog for everybody!

[CHEERING]
Grog for everybody!

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

Wow, we are rubbish compared
to them, aren't we?

Perhaps we should
be off, sir.

Yes.

Yes, yes, good point.

[STAMMERS] I just remembered,
actually, I have some very important

bits of rope
I need to untangle.

[COINS CLINKING]

BELLAMY: Thank you.

Well, if it isn't
the Pirate Captain.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Hello, Bellamy.
Cutlass. Peg-Leg.

Didn't notice you come in.

[LAUGHS]

The beard's
looking great, my man.

And I see that you're
more wanted than ever.

[GUFFAWING,
MOCKING LAUGHTER]

Come on, everybody, be nice.
Give him a break.

Bring it down a little bit.
All right.

Seriously, Captain,

how's the pirating
business treating you?

Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly.
Thanks for asking. [CHUCKLES]

Treasure coming
out of my eyeballs.

Taken to washing
my hair in 50-pound notes.

CUTLASS LIZ:
Oh, really?

If you've got
so much booty,

then how come you're still
sailing that old wreck?

Anyway, look, [CLEARS THROAT] I'd
love to stay and chat, but, you know,

places to pillage,
people to...

People to skewer.
[SQUAWKS]

[CHOKING]

Huh?

Ugh!
Ooh.

Oh, come on!

That is disgusting.

Wait a minute.

Captain, what is this?

What?
Captain?

Oh, that's nothing. Could I
possibly have that back?

Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait.
Thank you.

"Pirate of the Year"?

[LAUGHTER]

You're entering
Pirate of the Year?

No, no, no, no, no.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, yes.
Again?

Yes!

[LAUGHTER]
BOTH: Ooh!

Come on. Listen,
did they change the rules?

I mean, I always thought
they gave it to the pirate

with the most booty.

Do they now just give it to the
guy with the fattest parrot?

She is not fat.
She's just big-boned.

She's fat, dude.
[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, go on.
Go on, then, laugh.

Everyone laugh.

[LAUGHTER]

Ignore them, Captain.
It's not worth it.

The trophy would just clash
with your wallpaper, anyway.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

You'll see, you'll see.

I will be
Pirate of the Year.

Oh, yes.

And then you'll be laughing on
the other side of your faces.

Yes.

And believe me, that is
a very painful thing to do.

Come on, lads.

[LAUGHTER]

Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

All right,
now listen up, you coves.

'We'll show those swabs a
thing or two about pirating.

[CHEERING]

There's still time to fill these
chests with sparkling booty.

I can practically
taste that trophy!

[CHANTING]
Trophy! Trophy! Trophy!

[g*nsh*t]
[CHEERING]

Captain!
Sail off the port bow!

Aha!

Let's get after her,
Number Two.

Aye, aye, sir.

Clap on all sail!

Royals and topgallants!

PIRATE:
Release those gallants!

Aha!

[CLAMORING]

Fire those long things
that go bang.

Fire cannons four and six!

[CHEERING]

Eat cannonball, lubbers.

[SQUAWKING]

Here we go, lads!
Look and learn.

Yee-haw!

[CHEERING]

Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!

Avast!
I'm the Pirate Captain.

And I'm here for your gold.

Gold? This is
a plague boat, old man.

I'd give my right arm
for some gold.

[GAS PS]

Or my left. [CHUCKLES]

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Right, lads.

Minor hiccup, that last one.

This time,

it's payday!

[CHEERING]

Aha!

I'm the Pirate Captain,
and I'm here for your gold.

Geography field trip.

Aha! I'm the
Pirate Captain, and...

Naturists.

Pirate Captain. Blah,
blah, blah, blah, gold.

Ghost ship.

[ALL WAILING]

[SINISTER LAUGH]

Sorry.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Mmm.

Captain, we've sighted
another ship, sir.

Mm-hmm. That's nice.

Do you want to give
the order to attack?

No, not really, Number Two.
No, I think I've...

Think I had
enough of piracy.

I'm hanging up my cutlass.

Captain, no!

Yeah, I was thinking I might go
into baby clothes, actually.

What?

I hear there's a fortune to be
made in baby clothes because

babies grow so fast.

No, but you can't.
I mean, the crew...

They'd... They'd be
lost without you.

Oh, what was I thinking,
Number Two?

Pirate of the Year?

Me?

Look at the trophy cabinet.

Best Anecdote About a Squid.

I mean, that is all I've got
to show for my entire career.

[STAMMERING]
Pirate of the Year?

It's just
commercialized nonsense.

Real piracy
isn't about trophies.

It's about fighting up
staircases backwards.

It's about sliding down sails
with a knife in your teeth.

Beard glossiness!

And think about all the
adventures we've had.

Our adventure with Aztecs.

Our adventure with that pig.

Our adventure with...

Shh!

Okay, maybe not the librarians.
But the fun we've had.

And what about
the shanties?

Well, I mean... People
would miss my shanties.

And the running
people through.

Well, I... I do enjoy
running people through.

Enjoy it?
You're brilliant at it!

You're a brine-soaked
terror of the high seas!

Do you think so, Number Two?

Everyone does!

You're more of a pirate than
Black Bellamy or any of them.

You're a real pirate.

That's why the crew,

they think you're the best thing
since boil-in-the-bag ham.

Why do you think they all

got that tattoo? Come on.

What do you say?

Arrr!

By Neptune,
where's that ship?

MAN: Ooh!

This is the one, lads!

[PIRATES GASP]

Ninth time lucky!
I can feel it in my beard!

Well, don't just
sit there like lemons!

Hoist the flag!

Standard, sir?

Or extra gruesome?

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Extra gruesome!

Let's make their
gizzards shake.

[CHEERING]

DARWIN: Journal of
Charles Darwin.

Day 93 aboard the Beagle.

I have, today, discovered
a new kind of barnacle,

which I have categorized
in the order of Pygophora.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

I'll never get a girlfriend.
lam so unhappy.

[THUMPING]

[CANNONBALL WHISTLING
THROUGH AIR]

[CANNONS FIRING IN DISTANCE]

And now I'm being
attacked by pirates.

[PIRATES CLAMORING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain,
and I'm here for your gold.

[GAS PS]

[STAMMERS]
I haven't got any gold.

No gold, eh?

Then what,
might I ask, is this?

It's a baboon's kidney.

Is it?

Oh.

And what about this?

Oh, it's another
baboon's kidney.

[GAS PS]

We searched
the hold, Captain.

And?

Just creatures.

Bits of creatures in jars.

And an
unhappy-looking baboon.

What kind of ship is this?

[GAS PS]

[STAMMERING] We're a...

Well, we were
a scientific expedition.

Charles Darwin,
at your service, sir.

Oh, for pity's sake!

Is it so much to ask? Is it?

I just want one
tiny bit of success!

One teensy weensy bit
of respect from my peers

just once in my life!

Is that such a crime?

Is it?

[GAS PS]

No?
No!

[GASPS] No.

Oh, but you try telling
that to the universe.

Just once, just once
for things to go right.

Just... Just once.

So, are we done here?

[WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY]

DARWIN: Dear Diary,

about to meet
a watery grave.

NUMBER TWO: It's nothing
personal, you understand.

It's just...
It's been a tough week,

and a good plank walk
usually cheers him up.

Will die without reaching
second base with a lady.

Oh, get on with it!

Today's weather:

inclement.
[SQUAWKING]

[GASPING]

Stop! PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Oh, now what?

Last request, is it?
Do we have to grant those?

Is there some sort of human rights
convention we're signed up to?

But that bird!
My parrot?

She's just big-boned!

No, she's not. I mean... I
mean, she's not a parrot.

Not a parrot?

What's he on about,
old girl?

She's... She's...

She's the scientific
discovery of our age!

She's a... [PLANK
THUMPS, DARWIN SCREAMS]

[SPLASH]
Huh?

Sorry. It's just,

that's my favorite bit.

[CHIRPING]

A dodo, you say?

They've been extinct
for 150 years.

To find one alive today,
it's quite incredible.

Whoa!

Well, clever old girl.
Not going extinct.

If I might be so bold,
I would be prepared

to pay you 10 pounds
for your Polly.

[LAUGHTER]

Polly's not for sale.

Ten pound.

She's one of the family.

She's like an auntie.

With a beak.

Yeah, I'm afraid
they're right, Charles.

Polly here is the feathery
heart and soul of the boat.

Come on, little dodo.

Oh.

[GRUNTING]

It's such
a missed opportunity.

If I could've
presented her

in London to the Royal Society
at their annual science show...

[CHUCKLES] No question
of that, I'm afraid.

She'd have been
an absolute sensation.

Yeah, well,
can't be helped.

And of course a shoo-in
for the top prize.

Prize?

For best
scientific discovery. Yes.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

This prize,

valuable, is it?
Valuable?

[GASPING, LAUGHING]

It's priceless.

Untold riches.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Captain...
No, no, no, no.

I was thinking, perhaps perhaps
I was being a touch hasty.

But, Captain, London?

The home of Queen Victoria,

mortal enemy of
pirates everywhere?

We'll end up hanged
at Execution Dock.

[PIRATES GASP]

[SCOFFS] Oh, pah!

We laugh in the face
of danger, remember?

Um, I don't.

I don't really
like danger at all.

[SIGHS]

Captain, do you remember
the little talk we had?

The one about whether pigs are
actually a type of fruit?

No.

No.

The one about us trying
to avoid harebrained schemes

that end in us
facing certain death.

You heard the man,
Number Two.

"Untold riches."

Here's the plan.

We go to London, Polly wins
this science show thingy

we take the prize money, I enter
Pirate of the Year, I win!

Bingo!

But, Captain, I'm not sure...
It can't fail.

And besides,
look at her little face.

[HIGH-PITCHED] I sure want
to win that science prize.

Squawk!

Bravo, Captain!

I see you're
a man of vision!

Right, then, Charles. When is
this science show of yours?

A week tomorrow.

Ah, confound it!

You see, we could've made that
with a good wind behind us,

but unfortunately there's this dirty
great sea monster in the way.

Um, mmm, I think they just add those
onto maps for decoration, Captain.

Is that a fact?

Well, blow me down.

[LAUGHS] I dare,
you could learn something

from this fine fellow,
Number Two.

# London calling to the faraway towns #

# London calling to the faraway towns #

# Now w*r is declared
and battle come down #

# London calling to the underworld #

[GIGGLING]

# Come out of the cupboard,
you boys and girls #

# London calling, see,
we ain't got no high #

# 'Cept for that one
with the yellowy eyes #

# Now get this #

# London calling,
yes, I was there, too #

# And you know what they said?
Well, some of it was true #

# London calling at
the top of the dial #

# And after all this,
won't you give me a smile? #

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Ah! London Town.

The most romantic city
in the world.

# I never felt so much alike
alike, alike, alike... #

[SHIP CREAKING]

"Queen Victoria

"welcomes you to London."

Ah, that's nice.

Perhaps she's not
so bad after all.

[ALL GASP]

Well, don't look so worried,
Number Two.

Pirates are
always visiting London.

[MOANING EERILY]

Turn back!

This is the fate
of pirates here!

Is that Scarlett Morgan?

[CHUCKLES]
Pirate Captain.

Goodness me!

I haven't seen you since
that business in Madagascar.

Ah, yes. I could've
sworn they were girls.

You're looking well, Morgan.

Yeah, lost a bit of weight.

What are you
up to these days?

Oh, you know,
this and that.

Yeah, just gonna enter a
science competition, actually.

Ah! Good luck with that.

Yeah, thanks, thanks.

Eh?

[DISTANT WAILING]

No, no, wait, wait!

Turn back!

Turn back.

[SHIP CREAKING]

[SHIP CRASHES]

Oops. Sorry.
Oh, no!

Look what you've done to me boat.
Look at the state of it.

I hope you've got some
insurance, 'cause I...

[ANCHOR CLANKS]
Ow.

Right, then. We'll be off.

I'll bring her back tomorrow
straight after the show.

Well, don't be daft, Charles.
I'll be presenting Polly.

You?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always fancied trying my
hand at a spot of science.

But you can't. I mean,

the streets of London
are no place for pirates.

Pirates? What pirates?

[GAS PS]

Nobody here
but us Girl Guides.

Yes!

I've got a badge
for looting.

We're not really Girl Guides.
It's us, the pirates.

We're masters of disguise.

How ingenious.

But all the same, Captain,
best we lie low for the night.

Perhaps at my house.

Captain, I really think...
Good plan, Chuck.

Be fun to see how
you boffin types live.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, come on. Taxi!

Evening, Officer.

Hidey-h*, ladies.

[GIGGLES]

[SNIFFING]

ALBINO PIRATE:
London smells like Grandma.

Whoa.
[HORSE NEIGHS]

Here we are.

Home, sweet home.

You don't get many women
back here, do you, Charles?

People who live alone
are always serial K*llers.

[GAS PS]

[GAS PS]

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Sweet Neptune on a bike!

DARWIN:
Oh, don't mind Mr. Bobo.

Just an old project of mine.

Project?

Yeah, I had this theory.

I thought that if you took a
monkey, gave him a monocle

and covered up his gigantic,
unsightly a*s,

then he would cease to be a
monkey and become more of a...

A man-panzee, if you will.

Bold theory.

I don't like the monkey.

But to be honest,
monkeys are 10 a penny.

He's not a patch
on Polly here.

Oh!

Anyhow, big day tomorrow.

We all need our rest.

Let me show you
to your room, Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Right behind you, Chuck.

[GRUNTS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[GAS PS]

DARWIN: [WHISPERING]
Now, shh, here's the plan.

You know what to do. Wait until
the bearded idiot is asleep,

then sneak into
his room and...

Shh!

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Captain.

It's... It's Mr. Darwin, sir.
I'm sure he's up to no good.

Oh, honestly, Number Two,
what's got into you?

Thanks to Charles, we're about
to win lavish untold riches,

and here you are trying to find
fault with the poor fellow.

Yes, but... No, no, no.
Not another word.

A future Pirate of the Year
needs his beauty sleep.

Do you think you could make
nautical noises until we drop off?

[MAKING WHOOSHING SOUNDS]

Oh, that's lovely.
Now, that is lovely.

Can you do
the shiver a timber?

[SIGHS]

Oh... Mmm.

[IMITATES WOOD CREAKING]

[YAWNS]

And just chuck in
a few gulls, would you?

Caw, caw, caw!

[SNORING]

[SNORING LOUDLY]

[YAWNS]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, our winner.

Give it up for
the Pirate Captain!

Congratulations,
Pirate Captain.

Nobody deserves
this more than you.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Cutlass.

And that beard
of yours, [GASPS]

it drives me

crazy.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[GAS PS]

[LAUGHING]

Give it here.
[STRAINING]

Give it back,
Bellamy, it's mine!

No, give it back.

[LAUGH ECHOES]

[STARTLED SHOUT]

Neptune's navel!

Come back here, you lubber.

Stop, thief!

[GRUNTS]

[SQUAWKS]

[GRUNTS]

I'll take that.

[RUMBLING]

Not so fast, my friend.

[SCREAMS]

Number Two!

Number Two,
are you all right?

[GAS PS]

Unhand that dodo!

Whoa!

[SCREAMS]

[GAS PS]

Evening, Captain.

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING,
CRACKING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[WATCH TICKING]

[THUDDING, CLATTERING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[GAS PS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Oh, Number Two!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]
We're under attack!

Abandon ship!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Hello, Pirate Captain,
Pirate with a Scarf!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Come back here,
Mysterious Shadowy Figure!

[GAS PS]

Faster! Faster!

[GAS PS]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[PIRATES SCREAMING]

Got you!
Are you all right, girl?

Captain!
I mean, what's going on?

Don't play the innocent.

You and your hench-monkey
tried to steal Polly.

Steal Polly? Oh, dear me,
no, you're mistaken.

Then how
do you explain this?

[DOOR CREAKS]

Well, I think it's obvious
what's happened, isn't it?

Is it?

Some jealous
rival scientist

must have tried to
make off with the dodo.

Well,
that explains everything.

Captain, please, let's go.

Polly's not safe in London.

I couldn't bear it if
something happened to Polly.

Nothing is going
to happen to Polly.

She'll be perfectly safe.
Leave everything to me.

Now, come on, we can't
keep that prize waiting.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um... Anyone got a towel?

DARWIN: Nice going,
banana butt.

Now this briny buffoon
is gonna grab all the glory.

It's a disaster.

It's...

[SPUTTERS]

Bad news,
I'm afraid, Captain.

You can't go in.

Eh?
Mmm.

It's strictly scientists
only, you see.

I'll just have
to present Polly

myself.

We're not really scientists.
It's us, the pirates.

See? [CHUCKLES]
Masters of disguise.

But where's Polly?

That is on a need-to-know basis
from here on in, Charles.

Pardon?
I am keeping her hidden.

That shadowy figure
could be anywhere.

Luckily, I am not only
a master of disguises,

I am also a master
of hiding things.

Right, lads, let's show
these boffins what's what.

But, Captain.

Really, I...

Hello!

[BELL DINGS] We're here
for the science show.

We're scientists.
Hmm?

That's a pipette,
this is Charles Darwin,

and I am
the Scientist Captain.

If you're a scientist,
name three elements.

Oh, well, let's see now.

There's...
There's gold, ham...

Mmm-hmm?

...and

the tears of a mermaid.

Yeah, two out of three Close enough.
First on your left.

The balloon of my
airship contains


Excuse me.

Sorry.
[GASPS]

Just here, you will
notice the open log fire

to ensure a comfortable
temperature at higher altitudes.

[PEOPLE GRUNT]
Ooh!

Captain?

Captain, Captain, please.

You can't possibly appear
on stage without Polly.

Patience, Charles.
All in good time.

[SINISTER LAUGH]
Excuse me. Sorry.

[ANGRY GRUNTING]

Sorry.

SCIENTIST: Idiot!

Just a tick.
Oh, but, Captain...

[SQUAWKS]

How on earth did...

My airship will revolutionize the
fields of meteorology and cartography.

[SLURPING]
But mostly,

it's for looking
down ladies' tops.

[APPLAUSE]
Ingenious.

[METER muss]

[SINGING SCALES]

Captain, I really,
really think

it would be best
if I take over from here.

There's a certain manner in which
these things are conduc...

Nonsense, Chuck.

What this science stuff needs
is a bit of showmanship!

[GROWLS]

[GAS PS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMS]

Look, it's the captain.

Captain! Captain!
Shh!

Fellow scientists,
poindexters, geeks,

[GROANS]

prepare to be confounded.

Prepare to be amazed.

Prepare to...

Oh-h*, wait a second.
What's this?

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's this?

Stop!

[CLEARS THROAT]

I am the world's
leading doctor,

and I declare the science you are
doing is too shocking by half.

Dr. Albino,

are you saying that those of a nervous
disposition should leave immediately,

in case the sheer unexpected
remarkableness of my discovery

should cause
their hearts to explode?

[SIGHS]

Uh...

lam.

Well, science lovers,
you have been warned.

This is our most
educational adventure ever.

[PLAYING
ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA]

Back from the dead.

Back from beyond the grave.

Back to astound you all.

The ninth wonder
of the world.

She's traveled halfway across
the globe to be here tonight.

Here's Polly!

[CROWD GAS PS]

MAN: It's a dodo.

[GAS PS]

By Jove.

That is astounding!

[CHEERING]

[SIGHS]

[METER muss]

[GASPS, SIGHS WEAKLY]

[METER muss]

An actual dodo!

Makes electricity
look like a pile of crap.

[LIGHT BULB CRACKLING
WITH ELECTRICITY]

MAN:
The Royal Society's prize

for best
scientific discovery...

Oh, I hope
it's not a check.

...Is awarded to...

Have you any idea
what the sterling-doubloon

exchange rate
is these days?

...the Scientist Captain.

[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, thank you.

You're too kind.

Please stop.
Enough. Thank you.

Thank you.

[GASPS] Is that it?

Oh, no.

Ah, good.

You also get

this leather-bound
set of encyclopedias.

Excuse me just one moment.
Thank you.

[GROANS]

Okay, Chuck.

Now, I like encyclopedias
as much as the next man,

but they're not exactly gonna help
me win Pirate of the Year, are they?

[GLASS SHATTERS]
Where's the booty?

Booty? What booty?

The prize! The "untold
riches," remember?

Oh.

Perhaps I didn't explain.

It's not all about money.

No, the real prize is...

MAN: Her Royal Majesty,
the Empress of India,

Ruler of the Kingdom
of Java...

...a personal
audience with...

...Defender of the Faith,

Queen Victoria!
Queen Victoria

herself.
[GASPS]

[GAS PS]

Scientist Captain,

congratulations.

What a tremendous discovery.

[STAMMERING] Your, uh...
Your Majesty.

And who are these
charming fellows?

Well, this is my crew.

By which he means
lab assistant crew.

Yes, yes. I'm using "crew"
in the street sense.

Yo.

And I'm Charles Darwin,
Your Majesty.

I helped find the dodo.

Yes, whatever.

But where has your delightful
creature disappeared to?

Resting, ma'am.
Hidden away.

I only let her out for the
big performance, I'm afraid.

In case sinister forces should try
to make off with her, you see.

Sinister forces?

Ooh, dear.

Well, we have a wonderful
petting zoo at the palace

where Polly
would be quite safe.

Perhaps we could

take her off your hands.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, ma'am, but
that's out of the question.

But she'd have a lovely time.

There are guinea pigs
and a donkey.

No, no, I couldn't, ma'am.

Not even for little old me?

No, no, no,
I'm afraid not, ma'am.

No, you see, there is nothing
more important to a pirate

than his trusted dodo.
[GASPS]

She is the feathery heart
and soul of the boat.

Did you say...

..."pirate"?

[MEN GASP]

Pirate? No, no, no, no, no.

Scientist. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, good old, good old science.
Can't get enough of it.

Mixing stuff together.

You know, test tube tubing
and Bunsen burning.

See? [GRUNTS]

[MEN GASPING]

He's no scientist!

He's a Girl Guide!

Ooh! [GRUNTS]

[MEN GASPING]

He's no Girl Guide!

He's a pirate!
BOTH: Pirate!

Hang on, hang on.

There's been some
kind of mistake. Some...

[GRUNTS]

Some silly mistake
Whoa, laddies!

Stop, stop. I can explain.

[GAS PS]

Your Majesty.

He's hidden the dodo.

If you chop
his head off now,

we might never
find out where.

Wait a mo.

[GAS PS]

One doesn't know why.

Perhaps it's his luxuriant
beard or his gleaming teeth

or the way he smells
faintly of coconuts.

But we have taken
a shine to this pirate.

Do you have a name,
pirate captain?

They call me
the Pirate Captain.

Well, Pirate Captain,

we hereby pardon you
of your piratical crimes.

[APPLAUSE]

[MEN GASP]

You will stay in London,
Pirate Captain,

and entertain us with your
stories and your wit.

And especially

your dear little dodo.

Hell's barnacles.

Can we please
get out of here now?

That was a bit close for
comfort, Number Two.

I will get you the dodo,
Your Majesty.

See that you do,
Mr. Darwin.

[HOOVES CLOPPING]

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Ooh! Uh...

Captain?

Captain! Captain!

Hurry up, lads, chop-chop.

Let's get back to sea
where we belong.

PIRATES:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I told you coming
to London was a bad idea.

The sooner I get
the smell of brine in my...

DARWIN: Captain!

Captain!

Whoa!
Whoa!

[GAS PS]

You're not leaving, surely?

I most certainly am.

You've let me down
badly, Charles.

Look! Look!

Also, to be frank...
Captain...

...your nose is too small
for your face.

But you're the toast
of London Town.

Oh, I say, look at that.

Ooh!

They've really
captured my eyes.

We were hoping you might
come out for a little

celebration before you go.

[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]

We don't want to miss
the tide, Captain.

No, no, no. Quite right, quite right.
Oh, Captain,

do join us, please?

I'll just stop for a quick one.
Rude to refuse.

But it's Ham Night.
I'll be 20 minutes.

Half an hour tops.

Just get her... Get her
warmed up without me.

Aren't we going yet?

Shh!

[WHISPERING] But what about
winning the Pirate of the Year

and showing all those other
captains that he's not a loser?

[SIGHS]

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!
Come along, Captain.

Captain...

Cheers!
Good evening.

Thank you.
Thank you so very much.

Captain... PIRATE CAPTAIN:
And your name is?

DARWIN: Miss Jane Austen.
[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[ANCHOR CLANKS]
[MAN SCREAMS]

[LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: And that, and
that is why, in a straight fight,

a shark would probably
beat a Dracula.

[CHUCKLES]

Jane Austen, feel free to use
it in one of your books.

Oh, Pirate Captain,
you are a born raconteur.

So much better than the last
chap we all went doolally over.

You've all been
[SLURPING] terribly kind.

Oh!

Oh, do run along.

Another drink, Captain?

Hmm? Cheers, Chuck.

Huh?

I say, you're not

related in
some way, are you?

Pardon?

It's just you,
sort of...

Well, no, no,
nothing, nothing, nothing.

Cheers.

Do you know what
I've discovered, Charles?

The friends you make
after you've become famous

are better, truer friends

than the ones you've had
for years beforehand.

So very wise.

But the lads
will think I'm a fool.

No. A fool, you? Oh.

You're an
intellectual giant.

Just look at how you
managed to keep Polly safe

from those sinister forces.

Yes, I did do that,
didn't I?

You did.

And wherever she's hidden,

I bet it's somewhere
really ingenious.

It is rather.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll never guess where.

Well, no, why, you're too
smart for me, Captain.

Right under
everyone's noses.

Or right under
my noses, anyhow.

Ta-d a!
[SQUAW KS]

[GAS PS]

[SIGHS]

You've been keeping Polly
in your beard?

Actually,
I keep all sorts in here.

[CLOCK TICKING]

I'm sorry
about this, Captain.

About what?

Oh.

What the... What's the monkey-man
playing at? [CHUCKLES]

This patently isn't
even a real... [SCREAMS]

[GAS PS]

[GAS PS]

Come back here, you lubbers!

[BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

[SCREAMS]

Sorry, Your Reverence.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[CHICKENS SQUAWKING]
[PIG SNORTING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[GAS PS]

[GRUNTING]

Aha!

Got you, you rogue!

[RUMBLING]
[MUZAK PLAYING]

Yeah, that's rather nice.

Neptune's lips,
what are you up to?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

What do you mean
"not your fault"?

You steal Polly, you sh**t
my best hat full of holes.

[CLANKING]
[GASPS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hmm?

Well, go on, then.

Explain yourself.

There's this girl.

I'm hopelessly
smitten with her.

I'm listening.

I know how partial
she is to exotic animals,

and I thought if I could
get her the dodo,

then she might like me.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

[SOBBING]

Why didn't you say so?

We've all done stupid things
to impress girls.

Yeah, you should act aloof.

They love it
when you act aloof.

Still, must be quite a girl for
you to go to all that trouble.

QUEEN VICTORIA:
She is quite a girl.

[KEYPAD BUZZES]

Kraken's biscuits!

Mr. Darwin.

Honestly, Charles.

It's the bun. The bun
really does it for me.

QUEEN VICTORIA: And I see
you've brought a friend.

How delightful.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...

Oh, get a grip, man. You couldn't
manage one tiny task, could you?

It's pathetic.

[BOTH GASP]

[KEYPAD BUZZES]

[KEYPAD BUZZING]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

[CAT SHRIEKS]

Oh.

[GAS PS]

Listen, Captain, I can see I've
gone about this all wrong.

You see, I might have the body
of a weak and feeble woman,

[KEYPAD BUZZING]
[HISSING]

but I have the heart
and soul of a person

who really,
really wants that dodo.

I seem to recall
that you piratical types

have a bit of a soft spot
for shiny things.

Or am I getting you
muddled up with magpies?

[STUTTERING] I couldn't.

I mean,
Polly, she's a family...

Come now, Captain,
it's so simple.

Polly here could live like
a queen at my petting zoo,

and you...Well...

With treasure like this,

you could be famed
across the seven seas.

NUMBER TWO: Captain.

Polly's not for sale.

[BELLAMY LAUGHING]

You? Win Pirate of the Year?

You're a shoo-in, sir.

There's not a pirate on the
seven seas can match you.

But what about winning
Pirate of the Year

and showing all those other
captains that you're not a loser?

[ECHOING] Loser... Loser...

[LAUGHS]

Whee!

I'm a floating head.

So, Captain.

Are you going
to do the right thing?

# I'm sailing out on the ocean #

# Out on the deep blue sea #



Didn't he say 20 minutes?

Don't worry, lads.

He probably
just got caught up,

[EXHALING] you know,

battling a giant squid
or something.

[PIRATES SIGH]

[GASPS]
[RUMBLING AND RATTLING]

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Well, come on, you lubbers!

[LAUGHS] It's him!

I told you!

I... I told you
he wouldn't let us down.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Hello, boys.
[GASPS]

Miss me?

I'm having a mirage.

But... How?

Good question, Number Two.

I stole it all in a daring
raid on the Tower of London.

You stole all this
from the Tower of London?

That's right.

Then I burnt it to the
ground, wrestled a bear,

oh, and I kissed a princess
for good measure.

Well, what are
you waiting for?

Don't just stand there
like porpoises.

There's atrophy
with our names on it!

[CHEERING]

Set a course
for Blood Island!

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING
AND POPPING]

ANNOUNCER ON MIC:
Avast, me hearties!

And welcome to the 59th Annual
Pirate of the Year Awards!

[CHEERING]
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

[g*nf*re]

[CHUCKLES]

This is the ticket,
eh, Number Two?

Oh, please, please, please,
can't Polly come out now?

[STUTTERS] Best not.

She's still very tired.

And here is your host for
the evening... Shush.

The Pirate King!

Hello, Pirates!

ALL: Hello, Pirate King!

Any lubbers in tonight?

ALL: No!

ALL: Behind you!

MAN: [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Oh, I'm Queen Victoria!

[PIRATES BOOING]
And I hate pirates!

Ooh!
[PIRATES CHEERING]

Oh, come on, cheer up.

PIRATE KING:
And now, you swabs,

this is the big one.

[PIRATES EXCLAIMING IN AWE]

The nominees for Pirate of
the Year are as follows:

Black Bellamy.

[APPLAUSE]

Cutlass Liz.

Peg-Leg Hastings.

And a surprise late entry,

the Pirate Captain!

[PIRATES CHEERING]

The panel of
independent judges

have counted each pirate's
booty and declared

that this year's winner is

the Pirate Captain!

[CHEERING]

Oh. Oh.

[GRUNTS]

[SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

BELLAMY: Excuse me!

[RECORD SCRATCHES]
[MUSIC STOPS]

Excuse me.

Listen,
this is all very moving.

I'm welling up here, but...

Bellamy, this is
most irregular!

So is this!

ALL: [GENTLY] Aw!

[GROANS]

[ALL GASPING]

It seems Queen Victoria has
pardoned the Pirate Captain.

[ALL MURMURING]
No!

So what if she did?

BELLAMY:
If you've been pardoned

then, technically,
you're no longer a pirate.

And if you're
no longer a pirate,

you really can't be
Pirate of the Year,

now, can you?

No, you can't!
That's right!

Is this true?

[STUTTERING] Well, that's one, frankly,
rather negative way of looking at it.

[SHUDDERS]

Villainous treachery!

Treacherous villainy!

You have betrayed
the pirating fraternity.

But, Pirate King...

Your pirate hat and coat!

[RATTLING AND CLINKING]

Your pirate badge
with googly eyes.

And your World of Hooks
discount card.

[SNAPS FINGERS]
Confiscate his treasure!

[GAS PS]

Every last bit of it.

Begone! May your lubber
shame bear down upon you.

You are hereby banished
from Blood Island!

[CHUCKLES]

You are a pirate no more!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[PIRATES GASPING]

[SCREAMS]

And stay out!

Yes, well, not a...
Not a total success.

We don't need them
and their stupid awards.

The best thing about being
a pirate isn't the treasure.

It's the cutlasses.
It's Ham Night.

It's Polly.

Where is Polly, Captain?

[CHUCKLES] What do you mean?
You know where she is.

She's been upset enough.

[SIGHS] Captain...

Oh... [GRUNTS]

Okay, Okay.

[PIRATES GASP]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

I sold her to Queen Victoria
for a boatload of treasure.

There, I've said it.

[AIR HISSING]

Oh, well, come on.
She was just a parrot.

I mean,
she wasn't even a parrot.

Always weeing on the boat's
carpets, biting everyone.

She gave half of us tetanus,
for goodness sake.

But she was our Polly.

[STUTTERING] Well, you know,
you should be happy for her.

She'll be, she'll be
living the high life.

Eating gold bricks wrapped
up in, you know, swans.

[WHIMPERS QUIETLY]

Well, where are
you swabs going? Come on.

Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere
tropical with those native ladies

whose outfits don't leave
much to the imagination.

[CHUCKLES]

Looks like it's just you and
me now, eh, Number Two?

[CHUCKLES]

Good old inseparable
you and me.

Us two
against the world, eh?

Yeah?

Like serrano ham and,

you know,
that other kind of ham.

Arrr.

You can't always just say
"arrr" at the end of a sentence

and think that makes
everything all right.

[DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

Fine.
Fine, go on, then. Go.

Go!

It's not like I need
any of you, anyway.

See if I care.

# I'm not crying #

# It's just been raining #

See if I care.

# On my face #

# And if you think you see some
tear tracks down my cheeks #

# Please, please #

# Don't tell my mates #

# I'm not crying #

# No, I'm not crying #

# And if I am crying #

# It's not 'cause of you #

# It's because I'm thinking
about a friend of mine #

# You don't know who is
dying, that's right, dying #

# These aren't tears of sadness
because you're leaving me #

# I've just been cutting onions #

# I'm making a lasagna #

# For one #

# Oh, I'm not crying #

# No #

# I'm not upset because
you left me this way #

# My eyes are just a
little sweaty today #

# They've been looking around
and are searching for you #

# They've been looking for you #

# Even though I told them not to #

# These aren't tears of
sadness, they're tears of joy #

# I'm just laughing #

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha #

# I'm not crying #

# I'm not crying #

# Crying #

Huh?

DARWIN: You're too late.

She's gone.

Charles?

Is that you?

What are you doing here?

We're tramps now. It's not
unlike being a scientist, but...

[YAWNS]

...with less experiments and
more drinking your own sweat.

But where's Polly?
Why isn't she in her cage?

Oh, it's too horrible.

"Banquet for world leaders"?

I've been a fool for love.

Victoria never wanted
Polly for her petting zoo.

"Terrine of Tiger,
Black Rhino Ragout,

"Panda Face Fritters"?

I've discovered the Queen is a
member of a terrible secret

dining society.

Kings, queens, emperors
from around the world,

they meet on her flagship,
the QV1,

to eat the rarest and most
endangered creatures they can find.

This year,
the highlight is...

PIRATE CAPTAIN:
"Dodo a l'Orange"?

She's going to eat Polly?

It's all my fault.

I'm an awful human being.
I'll never get a girlfriend.

[GRUNTING]

Now pull yourself together, man.
Ow!

Now listen, Charles, we've all
done something unforgivable.

I've betrayed
my pirate honor,

you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's
betrayed the animal kingdom.

We've got to rescue her.
Us?

Against the crowned heads of the
world on an impregnable warship?

It's impossible odds!

It's only impossible if you
stop to think about it.

Come on,
we didn't evolve from slugs

just to sit here drinking
our own sweat, now, did we?

Are you with us, Mr. Bobo?

"Are you out
of your..."

Oh, I say.

Well, pah!

We can do without
the monkey-man.

Sorry, what was that
about slugs?

No time for that now
Come on.

# Ready, said are you ready to go? #

# Said are you ready? #

Prepare to be boarded, nerds.

# Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop #

# Ranking Full Stop #

# That is my name and I
would really, really say #

# Full Stop, Ranking Full Stop #

# Ranking Full Stop #

It's true! You can
see down ladies' tops.

Keep pedaling, Charles.

# Said are you ready
to stop? I said stop #

Help!

# Ready, said are you ready to go? #

# Said are you ready? #

# Said are you ready to go? #

# Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop #

# Ranking Full Stop #

# As I would tell you 'bout
this song, now come on #

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[PANTING AND GROANING]

[SIGHING AND GASPING]

[SHIVERING]

Oh!
[SCREAMS]

# Said are you ready? #

# Said are you ready to stop?
I said stop #

# I'm dead #

[PANTING]

Neptune's nostrils.
Not a thing.

Where the devil can she be?

Uh, Captain?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Pedal faster, Chuck!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

DARWIN: But how on earth
do we get on board?

This might sting a bit.

[STUTTERS]
I really don't...

[SCREAMS]

Catch hold of something!

[CLANK]
Good man.

[GAS PS]

[CRASHING]

[BELL muss]

How do you like my pygmy
elephant nuggets, Your Majesty?

Hmm. They're good,
but not quite

rare enough for my tastes.

Not rare enough?

Only three have been seen
in the last 50 years.

As many as three?

[CHUCKLES] Well, well.

Just wait until you see what
I've got for the main course.

Gaston?

Gaston?

Are you there?

Oui, Your Majesty.

Gaston, I think

we're ready.
Neptune's teeth.

There's not a moment to lose.
We've got to find that kitchen.

But it's hopeless. Where do
we even start to... Shh, shh.

So that's why I reckon,
in a straight fight, a shark

would probably beat a Dracula.
No!

Course, a Frankenstein
versus a jellyfish,

well, that's a
different matter.

[GRUNTS]

All clear, Chuck.

[SHIP HORN BLASTS]
[GASPS]

Chuck?

[SCREAMS]

It's all right,
Charles, I'm coming!

[SPLASHING]
Don't worry, I'll just...

Charles?
[DARWIN SCREAMS]

Just... Just hang on!

[CLANKING]
[DARWIN GRUNTING]

Ow! [GROANS]

Charles?

[CHICKENS SQUAWKING]

Poseidon's lips!

Are you all right, Charles?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

GUARD: Hey, you there!

What are you doing here?

Ah! Well, now.
Excellent question.

All exotic animals should have
been delivered to the chef by now.

What?
What is it?

Some sort of duck?

Oh. Yes, yes.
That's it, yes.

[GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED] Quack, quack.

Hurry up, then.
Kitchen's that way.

Yeah, come away! Go on.

DARWIN: [MUFFLED]
Quack, quack.

Here we go, my Pretty-

It's time to be...

...délicieux!
[SQUAWKS]

Mmm.

[GASPS] Mon dieu!

[THUD]

Polly, come to Daddy.

Oh, I'm sorry, old girl.

I will never, ever leave you again.
I promise.

[GRUNTING]
I will never leave you.

[SIGHING]

Perhaps we'd best
make a move.

Hmm?

Yes, yes, yes, of course.
Back to the balloon.

QUEEN VICTORIA: Gaston?

Gaston?

[BLOWING AIR THROUGH PIPE]

Hello ?

Captain. No.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello, Your Majesty.

The dodo is coming
tout de suite.

This really isn't wise. Oh.

Claudette est
dans Ia bibliotheque.

DARWIN:
Please, I think we...

But you know, Your Majesty,
you cannot hurry the cooking.

Is a very
delicate recipe, uh?

[DARWIN GRUNTING]

And the dodo is
a very fattening dish.

Perhaps is not
so good for you.

[BELL DINGS] And, you
know, the calories,

they will go straight
to your chubby thighs.

Captain.
A minute on the lips

is a lifetime on the...

Zut alors!

Well, well.

Pirate Captain.

Here you are again. And...

Oh. my-

Is that Mr. Darwin
behind those feathers?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Hello.

What a delightfully
unexpected surprise.

You know,
I think, secretly...

[GIGGLES]

...I've always
loved you, Charles.

Gosh.

Really?

No!

[CLANK]

Give me my dodo!

Now, come on, Vickie,
be sensible.

[STUTTERING]
It's just you, a tiny queen,

against me, a dashing
terror of the high seas.

En garde!

Oh, dear!

Poor defenseless me.

[GRUNTS]

What is a girl to do?

Now, steady on.

[GRUNTING]

Now careful.

Do you know why
I really hate pirates?

Childhood trauma, was it?

Bitten by a pirate
when you were a baby?

[GRUNTS]

Beard envy?

It's because
you're out-of-date.

You're dinosaurs!

All that
"romance of the seas" guff!

Aha!

Oh.
[SQUAWKS]

[GRUNTS]

Right, where were we?

[GASPING]

Look at you.

You should be extinct.

[YELLS]

Along with your
little friend!

[GRUNTS]

[GAS PS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROWLS]

[YELLING]

Pity you can't
eat pirates, really.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

But you'd probably
taste of barnacles.

Whereas, dear little
Polly here is going to be

[SQUAWKS]

absolutely delicious!

Mr. Bobo?

Give me back my dinner!

Captain, catch!
Number Two!

[GROWLS]

Sorry, Vickie.

Dodo is off the menu.

Eh? [GASPS]

[GASPING]

Oh, no, no, stop!

Stop!

[SCREAMS]

Stop!

I'm being squashed
by giant barrels of vinegar!

[GASPS AND GRUNTS]

Good work, Chuck.

Number Two,
what are you doing here?

How did you find me?
Where are the lads?

Don't worry,
they're on the case.

[PIRATES LAUGHING]

It's all thanks
to Mr. Bobo here.

He rowed halfway
across the ocean

to tell us
what you were up to.

And, you know,
I figured you

tend to end up wrapped in
sausages facing certain death

at about this point
in an adventure.

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, uh, [STUTTERING]
Number Two, I...

I realize I let you down.
[DOOR OPENS]

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR SLAMS]

CURVACEOUS PIRATE: Sorry.

I let everybody down.

You know, I've...

Well, I've done some pretty appalling
things in my piratical career. [CHUCKLES]

Like that time I used
babies as squid bait.

Or that other time
I thought it would be

okay to let a turtle
drive the boat.

But the thing is...

I mean, what I'm
trying to say is...

You decided to single-handedly
take on Queen Victoria's flagship,

in order to rescue Polly.

Yes, I'm afraid I did.

[GAS PS]

That's terrifically idiotic.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Yes.

It's also the reason
why me and the lads,

well, we still think
[QUIET RUMBLING]

you're the best pirate
on the seven sea...

[BOLTS POPPING]

[METAL GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

Gadzooks!

No!

[GASPING AND SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SHIP CREAKING AND GROANING]

Polly!

Oh, no, you don't.

Captain?

[GRUNTS]

Kiss your beaky
little friend goodbye.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[GAS PS]

[GROWLS]

[LAUGHS]

That's it, Polly.
Snip-snip.

Come on, little dodo.
Bitey-bite.

The dumpy lady's got Polly!

Snip-Snip

Bite it!

Bite it, you stupid bird!

Bite it!

[SCREAMS]

[FABRIC RIPS]
[AIR HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

QUEEN VICTORIA: No!

My dodo!

Polly!

QUEEN VICTORIA: My dinner!

[GAS PS]

[GRUNTS]
[HISSING STOPS]

[GAS PS]

Oh, barnacles.

[SCREAMS]

[GAS PS]

Well done, sir.

Hey!

Wah-hey, Captain!

Whoo! Whoo!

Fair play to you, sir.

[ACCORDION WHINING]

[CHUCKLES] Wah-hey!

This is our most unexpectedly
heartwarming adventure ever.

QUEEN VICTORIA: You'll swing for this!
Curse you!

And after you've done swinging,
I'll chop your head off!

I'll put it in a cannon
and fire it into the sun!

Does that mean
he's not pardoned anymore?

"Pardoned"?

[SCREAMS]
[AIR HISSING]

You'll be outlawed
across the globe!

There'll be a higher price on your
head than any pirate before you!

The whole world
will know your name!

[CHEERING]

NUMBER TWO: Welcome back,

Captain.

[GRUNTS]

Yay!

[CHUCKLES]

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

See ya!
Bye!

Bye-bye!

[AIR HISSING]

# You can get it if you really want #

# But you must try #

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Well, it's
been a pleasure, Charles.

Good luck with the science.

Thank you, Captain.

Oh, and just a little tip,

grow yourself a beard.

It'll make your face
look less lumpy.

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

[GROWLING]

# You've got your mind
set on a dream #

# You can get it
though hard it may seem now #



Not bad, eh, Mr. Bobo?

# You can get it if you really want #

# But you must try, try and try #

[WHIMPERS]

[GUFFAWING]

That... I...

Is this a bit of squid tentacle?
ALBINO PIRATE: Yeah.

And that's my earwax.

I keep telling you, it's never been
about the trophies or the treasure.

It's about
who you are, inside.

I say, you're not...

Not a woman disguised as a
man, are you, Number Two?

No.

Because that does happen
surprisingly often at sea.

# But the harder the battle, you see #

# Is the sweeter, the victory now #

# You can get it if you really want #

[GASPS]

# If you really want #

# You can get it if you really want #

# But you must try #

Well, come on, you coves.

Those treasure chests
won't plunder themselves.

Hoist the flag!

ALL: Aye, aye, Captain!

Set a course for adventure!

[PIRATES CHEERING]

[ROARS]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: You see? I told you.

Didn't I tell you?

Just added on
for decoration, my foot.

[LOUD BURP]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

# We are young We run green #

# Keep our teeth nice and clean #

# See our friends See the sights #

# Feel all right #

# We wake up We go out #

# Smoke a f*g Put it out #

# See our friends See the sights #

# Feel all right #

# Are we like you? I can't be sure #

# Of the scene As she turns #

# We are strange in our worlds #

# But we are young We get by #

# Can't go mad Ain't got time #

# Sleep around If we like #

# But we're all right #

# Got some cash Bought some wheels #

# Took it out Across the fields #

# Lost control Hit a wall #

# But we're all right #

# Are we like you? I can't be sure #

# Of the scene As she turns #

# We are strange in our worlds #

# But we are young We run green #

# Keep our teeth Nice and clean #

# See our friends See the sights #

# Feel all right #

# Are we like you? I can't be sure #

# Of the scene As she turns #

# We are strange in our worlds #

# But we are young We run green #

# Keep our teeth Nice and clean #

# See our friends See the sights #

# Feel all right #