01x04 - Cinema Seat

[bunniefuu]

JAMES: Hello.

These days, I spend
more and more time

in my Wiltshire home... [BLEATING]

...and the pub I own,

thinking about all the big problems
in the world.

And some smaller ones that annoy me.

Luckily, there's a place I can go
to solve them all,

or at least try.

My shed.

Right.

It's here that I have the tools...

Let's just saw some wood up.

...the tea... Mm.

...and a couple of other
highly competent blokes...

[CLAPS] Very good.
Brace yourselves.

...who've agreed to help me
rid the world of problems...

Is she getting a ticket out?
...great...

Dirty fly tippers. [c.white]...and small.

The cereal has gone soggy.

I'll also have to take on
other people's problems.

He used to make a sound,

and now he doesn't.

By which, I mean,
the locals at my pub

who are always bringing me
stuff to mend.

[GASPS] [c.white]Is it a train set?

So, join us
and our excitable crew...

[ALL LAUGHING]

...who will capture
our endeavours...

That was epic.

Oh!

...make... That feels like
a terrible thing you've just done.

Not in my lifetime.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS LOUDLY]

Wow. ...in my shedload of Ideas.

What do you think?

This is just brilliant.

Here in Wiltshire,

my mates and I spend
a lot of time in my big shed

solving problems.

Simmy lends us
his engineering expertise...

And release it.

...while Tony chips in
with his top-notch carpentry skills.

Hazar!

And today we're taking our combined
wisdom out of the workshop

and into a particularly
pretty cinema in nearby Salisbury.

Sure.

There we are. [c.white]Oh, fantastic.
You're welcome.

With cinema attendance
in the UK in decline,

we think we might just be able
to eliminate one of the problems

that could be putting people off.

I will now demonstrate
with these two and the crew.

So here you are,
at the cinema with your mates.

You're about to watch one of your
favourite films of all time,

and then this happens.

[MUNCHING]

I mean, that is exactly
in the way of the screen.

And if that's bad for me,
and I'm reasonably tall,

imagine what it's like for these
people entering the cinema now.

If they sit behind us...

We've known about this
for as long as we've had cinemas,

in fact, as long as
we've had theatres,

which goes back to Nell Gwyn
and people like that.

And the fact is, the cinemas
have a raked floor, obviously.

This has a very typical one.

It's about four degrees,
but it's nothing like good enough,

'cause if we take Ethan,
if you wouldn't mind standing up.

He's the tallest member
of this crew,

and then we put him next
to our smallest member,

who is Lottie here.

Look at the difference in height.

It is interesting that all people,
it doesn't matter

whether they are massive units,
massively overfed like Ethan,

or Lottie,
under-nourished and quite small,

the distance between
the centre of the eyes

and the top of the head
is always pretty much the same.

If you wouldn't mind
turning around, Ethan.

You will see
even on his enormous bonce...

...that distance
is roughly the same.

So, cinema seats
ought to be arranged...

...so that that distance is the
distance of the next row's eyes

above the head
of the person in front.

So, why not simply say,

"Small people have to sit
at the front of the cinema,

and big people
have to sit at the back?"

That would make sense,
except, as Lottie points out,

she's got a massive boyfriend,

'cause she didn't have the decency
to go out with someone her own size.

So we'd have to split them up
and have Lottie at the front
and her boyfriend on the back row,

and they can't have
a snog like that, let's be honest.

So, I think there might be a more
sophisticated solution to this,

and I think
we can probably come up with it.

And in just the time
it takes to watch

Battle Of Britain:
The Director's Cut

and get back to the shed,

we have indeed come up
with an idea for adjustable seats,

designed to equalise
the cinema-viewing experience.

Now, obviously, the cinema seats
have to go up and down.

We have some old cinema seats...

...and we have these
screw jacks of a type

that you use to raise your car up
before changing a wheel.

What do we think?

So, I think all we need to do is...

we'll make up a little steel frame
which we can weld to this.

This is our seat
which will be on our frame, like so.

A couple of back supports
coming up to here.

How are we supporting them?

So we've got a steel frame
that'll go under here,

welded to the jack, so it's solid.

Come up to here
and we'll pick up into the wood.

At the right angle
and the right height.

That is.

We could put
riser blocks underneath?

Well, this is the original.

So that should be
our kind of set height.

So, they'll have to be
on riser blocks,

therefore we have to calculate

how big a riser block
we put underneath it.



So, if we know now that
that is our height of our plinth...

So, riser blocks are 150mm.
That's not complicated.

This is probably how
the Saturn V was developed.

Somebody wrote 150mm on a bench
and drew a box around it,

and then they knew,
"Right, we've got it."

So, we need to make the plinths

and we need to make the steelwork
at the same time, ideally.

We now know the height
our riser block needs to be

for the jack to sit on to bring the
seat to its correct starting height.

First, Simmy gets to work
on the steel frame for the seat...

...while Tony and I
build a box plinth

which will act as the riser block.

That's near enough
for government work.



...sawing and screwing.

While Simmy sets about welding
the steel frame,

which joins our old cinema seat
to the jack...

Nobody touch that,
it's quite warm.

...Tony and I do some more
measuring, sawing and screwing

to make the box plinth
the jack will sit on.

Now all we need to do
is put it all together

[GROANING]

It's quite heavy, that.

[DRILL WHIRS]
I hate that noise!

Right. [c.white]Backrest.

To begin with,
should we put somebody small...

We could put somebody small.
Light.

All right, all right.

Who would like to be
the first person

to sit in the elevating cinema seat?

When you say "like",
I mean, I will do it.

[LAUGHS]
Okay.

All right. [SQUEALS]
What do I hold on to?

You're not gonna be launched,
it's just gonna go up a bit.

Okay. [c.white]Don't be alarmed.

[WHIRRING]

[CHUCKLING] [c.yellow]Yes!

Yeah, that...

"What did you do
at work today, darling?"

"Well... [ALL LAUGH]
...I wound Lucy up and down."

Oh, I think that's too wobbly.

Yeah. I mean, it's not comfortable.

This isn't really very good, is it?

Well, we might have to
have a little rethink.

So the screw jacks are a lot
wobblier than we realise

when it doesn't have
a car steadying it.

But what if they were
the hydraulic jacks instead?

Slower to pump up...

...but they'd be much more stable.

Yes.

No, not at all. [c.white]Just so, sorry...

The other way is to make a mechanism

that stays rigid
and has the jack just as the lift.

Ah, that's... Yes.

It's just a lot of work.

While Simmy starts work
designing the new

hydraulic jack-powered
box structures,

Tony and I head to the pub.

And as usual, and because of my
reputation for mending things,

we've only been there
about five minutes

when a local, in this case, Peter,

turns up with some
weird brass thing.

Hello. [c.white]You are Peter. Hello.

Nice to meet you. [c.white]This is Tony.
Nice to meet you.

It's not a cannon,

it's actually... [c.white]Oh, it's
...a telescope.

Ah, it's a beauty, isn't it?

Where did that come from?

My wife bought it on eBay
a few months ago.

But it does come
with a nice backstory.

It was brought back from India
on a round-the-world QE2 cruise.

And I believe in the late '70s,
early '80s.

Acquired.

Acquired, yes, like it.

Quite heavy, isn't it? I suppose
that's why it comes with a tripod.

Erm, it doesn't seem to quite work.

Er, no.

I don't know.

It's like looking at the world
without your specs on.

Do you know? That could be
a micro focus. A micro adjustment.

So, the eyepiece does move out...

Move your fingers further out,
that bit.

Does that move that slightly?

Doesn't appear to.

So usually, there's a gear mechanism
in there, like a rack and pinion.

So, my thoughts are that
inside the end there,

there may be some sort of thread
that connects to it,

or did once upon a time. [c.white]Yes.

To try out Tony's theory,
we mount Peter's telescope

on its tripod and see
if we can focus on something.

Everything is still blurry.

That doesn't do anything.

Oh, wait, close things
are almost in focus.

So, all the optics seem to line up.

Yes, I'm looking at that power
cable, that's nice and crisp.

The trees far away are blurry,
so I think you're right, Tony,

that rotating that
should gear that very precisely.

Okay, tools.

Old telescopes
used to unscrew, didn't they?

Ooh. Have you done this before?

There you go.

So, basically, this has to move,
but quite precisely

in order for what you're looking at,

at a particular distance
to be in focus.

But Peter has a concern
which may scupper the whole project.

It could well be...

...what's known
as a furniture piece.

A furniture piece.

A show scope.

This, quite possibly, was never
intended to work as a telescope,

it was just meant to look cool

There is a possibility.

Be careful,
there's not a pin in it. [c.white]Exactly.

Shall I take it off over this
slotted table over the garden?

Take it off over my hand.

So, you can see inside there,
the thread.

So when you rotate that,

a pin that would
locate in the thread

would be pulled one way
or pushed the other way.

And Tony has just found
that whatever that pin was

appears to have sheared off.

I'm pleased to hear it.

I think this does suggest that

it's a bit more
than just ornamental

because someone's
gone to the trouble of machining

quite a sophisticated
thread in there,

which would suggest to me that
this is, in fact, meant to work.

So, how the hell does it connect?

Does the eyepiece come off?

That bit unscrews,
that was loose earlier.

Then we pull it through
the other way.

It's here.
There.

There you go,
that's the culprit.

Yeah, that's what's broken.

So in order to mend it,
we will have to remake this piece

with two countersunk holes
to allow it to be screwed

to the movable part of the eyepiece,

and then with a pin,
the exact dimensions

of which we will have to work out
using a micrometre

that inserts in this hole
and engages on the inside of that.

Put it all back together,
mount it on the tripod,

point it out to the sea
and say, "I see no ships."

Ladies and gentlemen...

...we have a lathe job.

So, can Tony and I and the lathe
fix Peter's telescope?

Well, I, for one,
can't wait to find out.

Welcome back to Wiltshire,

where we've been
entrusted with the task

of repairing
Peter's busted telescope.

The problem we have identified
is that this ring,

which is now broken, as you can see,

sits around the middle of this tube

and has on it
or did have on it a pin

which acts in an inverted worm gear

inside there
that you turn with that,

and that makes the eyepiece
move in and out and focuses it.

So, we've got to remake this,
which is a job for the lathe.

Tony here has never used
a metalworking lathe

or an engine lathe,
as it's sometimes called.

I have found this old flywheel
that I accidentally made

to completely the wrong dimensions
many years ago,

and we can, I believe,
fashion out of that the new ring.

The ratio dictated by the gear...
Before Tony can have a go,

he has to have
a lathe tutorial.

That is the saddle
which moves that way.

That is the cross slide,
which moves that way,

and this is the compound slide.
The way it's set up,

it moves backwards and forwards,
a fine feed version of that.

But you can also set it at angles
to do clever things

like screw cutting.
I hope you got all that, Tony.

There are no safety features.

There isn't even an emergency stop.

You have to hit that with your knee.
There's no chuck guard.

[CLANGING]
I missed then and hurt my knee,

I felt that.

[LAUGHS]

MAN: Do you want to do it again,
James? [c.white]Not really, no. [ALL LAUGH]

I'm not sure who's more nervous
about this, Tony or me.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Start lathe...

...and now turn it to ten thou.
That's near enough.

We will now bear witness
to the genesis of the new inner ring

for Peter's telescope...

A tiny bit more.

...and Tony's love affair
with the lathe.

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

[LOUD CLICK]
So, that's indoctrination over

and a new brass ring
well on the way.

Sarah, my other half, says,
"James has gone into his workshop

to make a piece of metal
into a smaller piece of metal."

Because that's actually
all you can do.

But now it's an exquisite
piece of metal. [c.white]Exactly.

Yeah, definitely.

It's addictive already. [c.white]It is.

You either really get it

or you think
it's the dullest thing,

which, to be honest,
most of my mates do.

But I don't care.

With Tony now a card carrying member
of lathe club,

I leave him to finish the ring
and the pin for the telescope

under the watchful eye of Simmy.

We're gonna put these holes in
and they have to line up

because these holes
are pre-drilled and threaded.

We wanna be able to put the screws,

these little, tiny screws,
back into those holes

once we've drilled the new holes.

To make the holes,
they're using my milling machine.

That... [c.white][MACHINE WHIRRING]

Two of the holes
will attach the ring

to the telescope tube.

And the other is for the pin

that will move the eyepiece
to control the focus.

I've got clearance holes
with countersunks. [c.cyan]Yeah.

Next, Sim taps the hole for the pin,
which they make from an old screw.

Do you wanna just do it freehand?

Which in turn is turned on the lathe
to get it to the right size.

It's got to be it, doesn't it?

And we'll find out if it all fits,

and by "we", I mean,
you and me, viewers,

when Tony hands in
his homework later on.

Now, I've asked Sim
to meet me at the pub,

which is also a popular B&B.

Less popular, though,
is a problem facing me

and my fellow B&B owners.

And if you're
one of the 87% of adults

who eat breakfast cereal every day,
you'll have come across it, too.

Mm-mm-mm.

Crunchy. Crunchy is nice.

But by the time you're about
halfway through the bowl...

...the cereal has gone
soft and soggy.

And we don't want that.
So, we were wondering,

is there a way
of eating breakfast cereal,

a bowl of breakfast cereal, in such
a way or with such a device

that means it is always crunchy
all the way until the end?

And Simmy's had a bit of an idea.

Maybe...

...we need to introduce the milk

at the point of entry
into your mouth.

To the workshop.

So, our aim is to solve
soggy cereal, and in so doing,

reduce the amount
we chuck away at the pub

and in homes everywhere.

Fortunately, one of us has an idea
about how we might do that.

So, I've got this plan.

So, we put a spoon onto a straw...

...and we mould a straw
to the underside of the spoon.

You might have to flatten
the end a little bit.

And then we have a flexible tube
at this end

going into your bottle of milk,
or your orange juice,

or whatever you fancy. [c.white]Orange juice?

Indeed.

In Norway.
Yes.

They think it's very weird
we put cow juice on our...

I've been to Norway
quite a few times.

I said you were a bit weird
when I was there...

[LAUGHING]

You'll get to put this in your mouth

and suck up the required
amount of fluid...

[LAUGHS] ...that you require.

Are we going to base it
on this spoon?

I think similar.

Because it doesn't need to be
dished as much as that

'cause it's not holding any liquid.

Yeah.

Oh.

How are you going to make a spoon?

Not something I've ever done either.

So, I think we should just
mark out our ideal shape.

It's a very thin bit of copper. [c.white]Yes.

Which, at the end of the day,
when this is soldered to it,

it will give it
a nice bit of strength,

'cause it'll be like a spine
running down the whole thing.

It'll be very good.
So I think we can mark it out.

Tin snips.
[IMITATES SNIPPING] [c.white]Yeah.

A bit of sanding.

We'll heat it up a little bit
to anneal it. [c.white]Yes.

It does make it go softer.

And then we'll hammer it out.
[IMITATES HAMMERING] [c.white]Okay.

Spoons are normally
made out of stainless steel

because it's rust-proof.

But we're making our source spoon
out of copper

because it's soft and malleable,

which will come in handy
at the next stage.

[LAUGHS]

It is like the genesis of the spoon.

They thought, "This looks useful,
I'm sure we can improve it.

Maybe make it a bit dished
and a bit more rigid,

but I think we're onto something."

Next, we hammer out
the dished part of the spoon,

easily done with malleable copper.

There you go, James.

That is incredible.

[LAUGHS]

So, it doesn't look very impressive,
but it's a long process.

And what has happened here
is we've started off

with a piece of soft copper,

but the process of hammering it
has hardened it,

because it work-hardens,
as the expression is.

It happens very quickly with copper.

So the thing we have to do next
is anneal it,

which is a way of saying
soften it again,

and we do that by heating it up

and then allowing it
to cool naturally.

Then it'll be soft again.
We'll have to do that several times

before Sim arrives
at the final shape of the spoon,

which, let's be honest,
is a way off.

But not for long,
as Sim heats, hammers...

...heats again, hammers again...

That's getting there, isn't it?

...and again...

...until we're ready for stage two.

And next, we're going to join to it
the copper tube

that will deliver the milk,
orange juice, whatever.

So, we need to work out its length

and then shape it
as close as possible to the spoon,

then we'll bind it
with some fuse wire and solder it.

And then we can test it.

So, after some
cutting and shaping...

...it's time to bind the tube
to the spoon

using a small clamp
and Simmy's expert soldering.

I tend to bugger up soldering,
so I'm just giving it to you to do.

It's gonna happen.

So, let it warm
the whole piece first.

There she blows. [c.white]There it goes.

Trying to do spoon.

Yeah, you've got that bit.

And then I can do the spoon end.

A bit more at the front,
that's it, gone.

[SOFTLY] It's grand.

Oh, that's filled that nicely,
look at that.

Well, that's the bit
going in your mouth, so...

In your mouth.

[LAUGHS]

It's a spoon
and I think it's pretty good.

Shall I...

Is it?

It tastes absolutely horrible.

I'm not so sure
Bakers Fluid is that... [c.white]Oh, God!

And it is...

...highly corrosive,
so it's slightly acidic.

Might be worth rinsing your mouth.

[GROANS]

[CREW MEMBERS SPEAK INDISTINCTLY]

Rinse, don't swallow.

[GARGLES]

[BLEATING]
JAMES: Welcome back to Wiltshire

and my pub,
where we've been tackling

the previously
insurmountable problem

of soggy cereal by inventing...

...the source spoon.

This is its inaugural outing,
let's see if it works.

I have here
the other vital component,

the food-safe plastic tubing
which goes into my milk.

Like so.

Is everybody ready? I'm going in.

Oh, that's a good start.

[EXCLAIMS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHS] How good is that?

[LAUGHING]

Wow.

That's gotta be the best thing
I've ever seen.

Problem is there's nothing else
I can say about that.

[LAUGHING]

Every mouthful
is like the first one.

Do you want to try it?
I'll wipe it off for you.

Kidding. Go on, then,
I'll have a quick go.

I'm intrigued.

Ah, genuinely, it works.

That is genuinely the best thing.

What's surprising
is how little milk you use. [c.white]Yeah.

It's truly brilliant on every level.

Saves waste, improves the breakfast
dining experience,

it keeps your cereal crunchy.

There is an elephant
in the room, though.

Which is...

the Norwegian way.

You brought it up, I'll do it.

This is for Norway.

[LAUGHS]

Honestly.

Norwegians, come on. Get a grip.

Actually, do you wanna try that?
That feels wrong.

No, I don't want to try it at all.

[LAUGHS]

It's a bit weird.

So, I know a lot of you think
that we fake things for television

and ham it up,
but I promise you that,

that simple idea,
the source spoon,

works and it works brilliantly.

That will become
an essential component

of the British breakfast,
along with cereal and this.

Cheers.

It's what the Victorians did,
and everybody admires them.

And look at this,
we started this scene
just a few minutes ago,

Simmy's cornflakes,

where he put the milk on
straightaway, they are now...

Mush.

Whereas mine,
my crispy rice things

are still perfectly dry and crunchy

and could even go back in the box
if I decided I'd had enough.

Absolutely zero waste.

Soggy cereal solved.

I head back to the shed
to wait for Tony,

who's hopefully been as successful

in finishing off the new inner ring
for Peter's telescope.

James. [c.white]And here he is.
I have the ring.

[EXCLAIMS]

Three holes in perfect position,
tapped and countersunk.

That's a fabulous bit
of finishing off work there, Tony.

Now we know it fits
on the tube because...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's very satisfying.

When we give this telescope to Peter

and he rotates the sleeve
and focusses it,

he'll say, "Oh, great, thanks."
He'll have no idea...

Oh, yeah.

and hard work went into this,

because it will never be seen,
because it's inside.

But we will know and so will God.

This is so satisfying,
my first bit of lathing work.

But will Tony's first bit
of lathe work pass muster?

This is the other way around,
isn't it? [LAUGHS]

So, we've got to get this
the right way around.

Time to find out
as we reassemble the telescope.

Very exciting.

Oh.

[SOFTLY] Poetry.

It's very good.

I think you've done
an excellent job there, Tony.

Well done, you.
Have the rest of the day off.

Proper team effort.

Tony can't actually
have the day off,

as now the telescope's optical tube
is fully rotating and expanding,

it's time to set sail to the pub

and hand it back
to the captain of the ship.

PETER: Hello, hello. [c.cyan]Hi.

Thank you very much. Wow.

Erm, here is your telescope.

It's in one piece.
Only just.

It doesn't look very different.

Erm, we did consider polishing it,

but then we decided
we liked the pattern reduce,

and also, Tony can be an [BLEEP].

So, we have, however, mended it.

I would love to.

I certainly am.

When we took it apart
in front of you,

when you first
brought it to the pub,

we revealed this broken inner ring.

I made the ring on the lathe.

You then calculated
the position of the...

Nothing is symmetrical
on this thing.

So, every ring,

the screw holes were
in different positions. [c.lime]Of course.

Are you ready?
Would you like to do it yourself?

I'd love to. [c.white]Just wind the...

And this comes out. [c.white]Yes.

Wow. [c.white]Yes, it does.

Very smooth.

Thank you very much. What can I say?
Okay.

Right. If you position it there...

Yeah, yeah, mine's in.

Okay.

Is it in focus?
We're getting there.

There we go. That's in focus.

Yeah.

I was on the tower at the top.

Good God, it's a telescope.

Look at that, it works.

It's good, isn't it?

I hope you enjoyed working on it.

Right, sir, it's yours...
[CLEARS THROAT] ...to take away.

Thank you very much indeed,
both of you.

Okay.

I'm sure she will, thank you.

Pint?

I'm happy with that.

Tony and I might be able
to relax with a pint,

but over at the workshop,
Simmy is still busy

grappling with the prototype
for the adjustable cinema seats.

SIM: Action!

Replacing our wobbly jack
contraption with a new design

that features a box
inside a box...

...he starts by building
both the internal

and external boxes from plywood.

Next, he installs a more compact ram
that can be controlled remotely.

Then he cuts out
a little space for the wires

before screwing on the lid
that the seat will attach to

and allow the jack
to push up that internal box.

Now all that remains is to find out
if we've managed to put an end

to cinema-going misery for the ages.

We've returned to Salisbury,
where we're back at the cinema,

installing our height-adjustable
seats to see if we can improve

the visual experience
for our audience,

also known as the crew.

They are still on jacks,
but they now run in boxes

for stability.

They are powered up and down
by electrical motors,

and I have here a suite of remote
controls for adjusting them.

Now in the final version,
this is a prototype, of course,

this job will be done
by computers and a laser.

But for the moment,
it's done with a folding ruler.

I would like to invite
tonight's audience

to come into the cinema
and take their places, please.

Wherever you'd like to sit,
doesn't matter.

All the seats are currently set
at their midway point.

They can go up and down.

Who can currently see the screen?

I can. [c.white]Obviously, yes, you can.

Simmy? Tony? No.

Right, okay,
so I'm going to suggest that, Ethan,

because you're very tall,
you, sir, have to go down.

And here you go.

[SEAT WHIRRING]

How's about that, then?

You are now
at the lowest setting, sir.

And just to show you
that this can all be consistent

and really quite scientific,

if I consider Tony's face,
it's a horrible prospect, I know,

but his eyes
are not quite high enough by...

Ooh, what would we call that,
two inches?

He need to go up two inches
in order to see over Ethan.

So, I will now do that.

So, you, Tony, are going up, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. [c.white]Okay.

[MOUTHING] No.

[SEAT WHIRRING]

This makes a fantastic noise,
doesn't it? [IMITATES WHIRRING]

It adds to the tension
and excitement

of going to the cinema.

You can see? So, now, Simmy.

Well, I'm gonna give you
an extra inch. [SEAT WHIRRING]

No, for once,
I actually can't see at the cinema

'cause he's been raised up.

so that he can see, but it's okay
because I can raise you up, too.

[SEAT WHIRRING]

Can everybody see? ALL: Yes.

The seats are all
at different heights,

but each row of people
is at the same height

and they are higher
than the row in front

by the typical distance between
the top of a person's head

and his or her eyes.

It's fantastic. We have solved it.
Well done, everybody involved.

We can now finally sit down,
relax and enjoy...

...one of the greatest films
ever made.

Roll it, projectionist.

[JOYFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[FILM ROLLING]

[ALL LAUGH]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

After all that hard work,
we head home

for some rest and relaxation.

But we're not ones to waste money
on expensive spas

and beauty products, oh, no.

We have everything we need
right here in the shed.

As men, there are places
where we shouldn't go.

One of those is a woman's handbag.

If you've been bitten
by a poisonous snake

and the antidote
is in a woman's handbag,

you still can't go in there
and get it.

You have to ask them to get it.
That's just the rules.

The other one is a beauty spa.

We do know that women go there
for something called a facial,

and we're suffering
for not having facials,

'cause as you can see,
we're haggard.

We haven't cared for our complexion.

So, after consulting some women,
I've learned that a facial

consists of four essential stages.

It is cleanse, tone,
exfoliate, moisturise.

And there are special potions
and things,

very expensive, for doing this.

But it occurred to us that
there are things in the workshop

that can achieve
the same thing for us,

things that we use every day,
but that we never use for a facial.

So, I think we are ready
to perform

the man's workshop facial.

Yeah.
Absolutely. [c.white]Good.

First, we need to protect our hair.

Well, you don't need it, Tony.

Soz, Tony. Apparently,
we've got to wear these goggles.

This is a safety requirement
from our insurers,

because they believe
we're somehow gonna shove

alcohol and hand cleaners
straight in our eyeballs.

I wouldn't put it past us.

Right. There we are, ready.

First is cleanse.

This will remove grease, oil,
deeply embedded dirt from your hands

when you've been working on your car
or your motorcycle.

Have a bit of cleanser.

Ooh, it's refreshing.

Oh, it feels really nice.

It tastes awful.
[LAUGHS]

I was just liberally applying it

and accidentally
got my luscious lips.

I don't wanna admit to that.

Oh, what is that? [LAUGHS]

Good God.
You're covered in filth, man.

Thank you. [c.white][CREW LAUGHING]

LUCY: Why are you so clean, James?

'Cause he doesn't do any work.
[LAUGHS]

There's a bit of gunk
come off there, off my cheeks.

Yeah, it's always the cheeks. [c.white]Yeah.

Now we are cleansed,
we must be toned.

Our toner is 99.9% pure isopropyl
alcohol. [CREW MEMBERS EXCLAIM]

Which we use in the workshop a lot
for cleaning electrical items

and toy trains that we mend,
record players and so on.

Don't put this in your mouth, Tony,

otherwise you'll be
completely clattered.

This is called toning.

[COUGHS]

It stinks. [GROANS]

I'm getting high.

[COUGHS] Don't breathe.

[EXCLAIMS]

So, what is normal toner?
Oh.

Here you go, do you wanna
know what toner is? [c.white]Yeah.

An astringent liquid
applied to the skin

to reduce oiliness
and improve its condition.

Yeah.

That's why we use it in soldering.

My face feels really tight.

Yeah. [c.cyan]Mine does, too.

Right, so we've cleansed,
we've toned,

now we're going to exfoliate.

So, we're going to remove
the layer of dead skin.

Our exfoliant is basically
a white glue...

[LAUGHING]

Spread it about and let it dry,

and then you have
the unrivalled pleasure

Oh, this stinks.

Oh, it does!
Oh, it stinks of fish.

It is.

At this point,
I think in a proper spa...

...you would lie down
and they'd probably give you

some ginger tea or something
really left-wing like that.

[LAUGHS]

We can sit back and we can relax
and, you know, talk about...stuff.

What about a little wax?

I hesitate to ask this, Tony,

but which bit of you
did you think needed waxing?

What about a leg?

A nice, little smooth leg.

Yeah.

While we don't have
the fancy hot wax machines

used in spas and salons,
we do have the next best thing.

It's gaffer tape.

Feet up. Put your leg up.

When you use wax strips,
there's a direction, isn't there?

Should you tear up or down?
I'm tearing down.

Well, we'll experiment. [c.cyan]Oh, great.

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Tony, is there anything
you need to say to your family or...

Tell my children I love them.

Three, two, one.

[GROANS]
Now that wasn't that bad.

That's rubbish.

I got two tiny, little hairs.

Ladies, stop wasting your money.

About £3.50.

We can help you. No, actually,
that sounds really weird.

Right, moving swiftly on,
it's time to see

how much of our faces
the glue has removed.

Yes.

[GROANS]

It's like you've suddenly
come back into colour.

I've glued my goggles to my face.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, it makes a great noise.
Listen to that.

[CRACKLING]

Ow, that actually hurts.

It's like pulling massive snots out,
you know. [c.yellow][LAUGHING]

It's like pulling your face off.

Look at this, look at this,
this is huge. [EXCLAIMS]

It's what it would feel like
to be a brand-new refrigerator.

[ALL LAUGHING]

This is removing
a microscopically thin layer of...

Epidermis. [c.white]...of a dead you.

Your appearance has changed, Simmy.
You look about 15.

Yeah. [c.white]In quite a satisfying way?

This is the final stage
of the facial.

The moisturising phase.

For which we're using the beeswax,
which normally we put on wood.

So, I'm gonna start
with my forehead.

This is what it's like being a piece
of 19th-century furniture.

[CREW MEMBERS LAUGH]

It does smell nice.
Oh, it smells lovely.

So, I think now if we take
the headbands off,

go back to normal,
we can get a verdict

from the crew who have watched
the entire process and are very
familiar with our faces,

because obviously,
they film us all the time,

unfortunately, for them.
And here we are post-facial.

You actually look much better.
Yeah, you do look really glowy.

Wait until you see us tomorrow
and we've got piles of pustules.

If you don't turn up tomorrow,
we'll know it's gone wrong.

But you actually look very good.

So I now have to point out
to the viewers,

you're going to notice it,
there are going to be
continuity issues

because to be honest,
we don't necessarily film
this series in sequence.

We don't know until the edit,
how we're going to order the story.

So, you might see us and think,
"God, those blokes are looking old,"

and then in the next scene,
you'll think,

"Wow, look at those


And it's because of this.

Okay, so sorry about that.

Don't do any of this at home,
don't use any of these things,

they're not designed as part
of a facial-cleansing programme.

Nevertheless, it works.

And we'll see you next time,

if you can recognise us,
now that we look ten years younger.