05x09 - Dates

[bunniefuu]

["ONLY FOOL AND HORSES"

THEME PLAYING]

[MAN SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

Have you got any idea how much money

we've made recently?

Loads of bunce, Rodders.

Loads of bunce.

We have made nearly £2000

in the last month.

[LAUGHS]

Am I a genius

or am I just a miracle worker?

We sold over 400

of those ladies' electric razors.

I told you they'd sell, didn't I?

You wouldn't think there was

that much hair about, would you?

Chuck all those bills and receipts

down the chute.

I don't want no evidence

left around the flat.

What's that dirty-looking thing?

That is your uncle, Rodney.

Please show a bit more respect.

Hey, come on, Uncle.

Get yourself a drink. We're celebrating.

That's all right, Del.

This is from my old days, Rodney.

All those years ago

when I used to sail the seven seas.

What is it, treasure?

No. It's just a few old photos

and letters from my days in the navy.

It's nothing much. Just me memories.

Don't worry. Rodney's chucking

a load of gear down the chute.

- He'll get rid of it for you.

- This is the history of my life!

That's why I thought

you'd want to get rid of it.

Is that you?

Yeah.

That's when I first joined the navy.

Seventeen I was.

You ain't changed, unc.

What do you mean?

He had a big white beard then?

No. He's wearing the same clothes.

What's the matter

with you two daft sods?

Well, we're celebrating.

We've had a blinding month.

What is all this?

What's this here?

"1941. My birthday party

on board HMS Peerless."

Blimey, they look a right bunch

of toe-rags, Albert.

That's me and some of my mates...

...when we were serving

in the South China Sea.

Brave lads, Del. Look at them.

Like steely-eyed young lions.

Yeah. You look like Clarence

the cross-eyed lion!

I'd just been out to a nightclub

celebrating me birthday.

Who's this geezer in the G-string

with a ruby through his belly button?

That's one of the dancing girls

from the nightclub.

We sneaked her back

to show her round HMS Peerless!

You dirty old goat.

The captain used to call it

"a submarine hunter"...

...but she was nothing more

than an old tug.

Yeah. She looks like

a rough and ready girl.

- I'm talking about HMS Peerless!

- Oh, sorry.

A few hours after that photo

was taken, we was in action.

I'm surprised it took you that long.

A Japanese sub was spotted

in the area.

Oh, that's all you need, isn't it, eh?

Yeah. There was an American

aircraft carrier lying off shore.

USS Pittsburgh.

It was our job to protect her.

We'd only been sailing for an hour

and we crashed right into her.

Cor, didn't that make a noise.

You went and whacked into the boat

that you were going out to protect?

Yeah.

It was a good job she was there,

actually.

She picked up most of the survivors.

Was your ship badly damaged?

Couldn't tell, Rodney. It sunk.

Of course, they tried

to put the blame on me.

Yeah. Well, sounds fair, doesn't it?

Just because I was on watch

at the time.

- I had me excuses ready.

- You were drunk?

Don't be silly. The American vessel was

at battle stations. It was showing no lights.

They weren't allowed.

There was a w*r on.

DEL:

Of course there was.

Then they tried to get me

on naval technicalities, like...

...it was in broad daylight.

You didn't see an aircraft carrier?

Forty-two thousand tons of steel?

In broad daylight?

Well, I wasn't close enough.

Well, you must have been

reasonably close, unc. You hit it.

They would have stood more chance

with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!

I mean, I wasn't up on deck!

I was in the radar room

watching the screen.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

It was all blibs and blobs.

The Japanese sub had it away

a bit lively.

I suppose it didn't feel needed

with you around.

- Oi. Did you get into trouble for it?

- Court martial.

The papers were sent

to Naval Headquarters, Singapore.

- You were court-martialled?

- No.

As luck would have it, before my trial,

the Japanese invaded!

I never heard another word about it.

And the blokes in my lifeboat

used to say I was unlucky!

That was a bit strong, wasn't it?

Trying to court-martial him.

He had just ruined

a perfectly good aircraft carrier.

Yeah, I know, but it was his birthday.

Yeah, I forgot.

Not for long, though.

This picture was taken in 1941

on his birthday, right?

You seen the date?

That's in a couple of weeks' time.

You don't think the ancient mariner

was trying to let us know...

...so we'd arrange a birthday treat,

do you?

Wash your mouth out

with soap and water, Rodney!

Your Uncle Albert

is not a crafty person.

He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.

The sly old git. So he wants

a surprise for his birthday, does he?

Why? What are you gonna do?

I don't know yet, but I'll think of something

to pull him up a bit lively.

We could give him one of them

electric razors!

[ALBERT SINGING

AND PLAYING PIANO]

Way out on the sea

I'll carry my loved one

Safely with me.

[SOLITARY CLAPPING]

- Why does he keep doing it, eh?

- God knows.

I suppose at some time in his life,

someone told him he could play the piano.

Yeah. I'd like to meet the git

who told him he could sing.

He's a Trotter. What more

can you say about the man?

A couple of years ago,

I went down the local library...

...and read some ancient manuscripts

written by the Elders of Peckham.

Did you know 500 years ago,

this was a green and peaceful area?

The old Earl of Peckham

had a castle...

...where the Kwik-Fit Exhaust Centre

now stands.

Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance

round the village maypole of an evening.

Then one fateful medieval day...

...the Trotter clan arrived

in a stolen Zephyr.

Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired

maidens were up the spout...

...the old earl had been sold

some hooky armour...

...and someone nicked the maypole.

A hundred years after that,

the Black Death arrived in England.

The people of Peckham

thought their luck had changed.

Here, talk of changing luck.

Look at this.

- Oh, my God!

- All right, mate? All right, Boycie?

- Well, I was.

- There you go, Trig.

- There's a scotch, mate.

- How do you know I wanted a scotch?

If I was dressed like that,

I'd want a scotch.

Is this something to do

with a new religion?

I'm taking a lady out to lunch.

- You sure?

Yeah. Positive.

I've booked us a table

at that little Italian place opposite.

I thought I'd better try

and make an impression.

Well, you'll certainly do that

and no worries, Trig.

- Thanks, Boyce!

- That's a boy.

Morning, Michael.

Same again for Boycie.

A non-alcoholic lager top

for Rodney.

Uh, Malibu and cherryade for moi.

Is it Comic Relief Day again?

- No. It only seems a little while--

MICHAEL: Del.

- It ain't Comic Relief Day, mate.

- I've got a date.

You wanna watch them stones.

Del got one caught...

- ...in his throat last Christmas.

- Yeah, it was....

No, Dave. I mean,

I've got a lunch date with a lady.

- Are you sure?

Yeah. I gotta meet her

in a couple of minutes.

I just popped in

for some Dutch courage.

Yeah, well, who is it?

Anyone we know?

No. You don't know her.

Come to that, I don't know her either.

- How do you mean, Trig?

- Well, these people arranged it for me.

"The Technomatch Friendship...

- ...and Matrimonial Agency."

TOGETHER: "And Matrimonial Agency."

You haven't joined one of them

computer dating firms, have you?

They opened up a shop

down the High Street...

...so I thought I'd have 25 quid's worth,

see what occurs.

So, what's this bird look like?

I don't know. They don't show you

pictures of each other.

- That's a bit risky, isn't it?

- That's her problem.

They fed all of my information

into a computer...

...and it came out with a woman

who was compatible with me.

That's what I like about this agency,

you know where you stand.

They insist on honesty.

So you told them

you're a road sweeper?

No. I told them

I was a bus inspector.

- Why?

- To add a bit of glamour.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Good idea.

Right then, here goes.

I'll see you later.

Well, rather him than me.

He's walking straight

into the unknown.

It's a bit like that TV programme,

isn't it?

- Yeah!

- You know, Blind Date.

Oh! I thought you meant

That's My Dog.

Marlene and Duke sit and watch that,

you know?

Soppy as sacks, the two of them.

The dog gets more questions right

than her.

Michael? Here.

Can I have a word about Albert?

Ah. Now, there's a coincidence, Del.

I wanted to have a little word

with you about him as well.

He's not still singing in here

of an evening, is he?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's doing matinees now, Del.

My pie sales have fallen.

All right, I'll have a word with him. Look.

I want you to do me a favour.

It's Albert's birthday soon,

and I wanted to throw a party for him.

- What, in here?

- Well, yeah.

- Just a few drinks, a bit of grub--

- No, no.

I'll stick 150 across the counter.

All right, Del. Listen, you can have the pub

on one condition.

- He doesn't sing.

- Fair enough, Mike.

He doesn't use no bad language

in front of the ladies.

- Right-o, mate.

- And he doesn't dance.

- Got you, mate.

- He tells no rude jokes.

Goes without saying, Michael.

And he don't drink too much.

Perish the thought.

He just sits down quietly, soberly,

and enjoys himself.

He's gonna really look forward

to this, mate.

Thanks, sir, very much, indeed.

He makes up more rules

than the Common Market, that bloke.

Be honest.

He's ruining this pub, isn't he?

I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy.

I'm very rarely in here these days.

I spend most of my free time

down at the lodge.

Oh, of course, the lodge.

What have you become? A Buffalo?

I am not a Buffalo.

I am a pukka Mason.

Secret handshakes,

initiation ceremonies, the works.

What do you want to join

that bunch of dipsticks for?

It is a great honour to be chosen.

It is not something you turn down

lightly, Derek. Oh, no.

Changed my life.

I'm involved in a lot

of charity work these days...

...helping the local needy

and underprivileged.

It's got its good side as well,

of course.

Us masons vow to help each other

in business whenever humanly possible.

Sounds like a load of old snobs

trying to clone another load of old snobs.

We're not snobs! Anyone can join.

We come from all walks of life,

right across the social spectrum.

We've got estate agents, a judge...

...a commissioner of police, the mayor.

We've got all sorts.

Yeah. So has Bertie Bassett.

That is not all walks of life, Boycie.

Well, all right, all right.

Well, we've got a television director.

Oh, yeah? And what does he do?

Film the secret handshakes

in case you wallys forget it?

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

See you in a bit. I'm gonna

chat with Mickey and Jevon.

I'm going to pop down the betting shop.

- I'll pick you up later.

- All right.

What is the matter with that boy?

He's all social conscience.

Yeah, well, he's one of life's carers,

isn't he?

He reminds me a bit of my mum.

Doesn't he you?

Yeah.

Standing in the corner of a pub

with two geezers.

I don't believe it.

That's a woman!

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Wotcha, Nerys.

You made me jump.

It's only me. Um....

- Can I get you a drink?

- No. I've got one.

Oh. Um....

I was wondering maybe...

...you'd quite like to come out

some time during the week.

- Where?

- I don't know. Anywhere.

Who with?

Well, me.

All right, then. It'll have to be during the day

because I work in here most evenings.

I'll have to see if I can get a day off.

- I thought you said you run the business.

- Well, yeah, yeah, I do.

I do run the business,

but I don't like leaving Del in charge...

...because he mucks me system up,

you know.

Well, I'll phone you on it, then.

Yeah. All right, then.

See you in the week.

- Go on.

- All right.

Rodney?

- How did you get on with Nerys?

- Okay.

- Bet you didn't get a date with her.

- Oh, save your money, Jevon, my man.

I'm taking her out next week.

How did you manage that?

I've been trying to date her for ages.

And bear in mind who's talking here.

I've had to employ a secretary

to handle all my dates.

Rodney has something

you haven't got, Jevon.

It is a thing called machismo.

I've told you before.

Nerys goes for macho men.

I have known Rodney

a lot longer than you...

...and he can be a right hard nut

when he wants to be.

Well....

Muscle and sweat.

That is what Nerys goes for.

Yeah, but Rodney's

no Master of the Universe, is he?

But he has the aura of inner strength.

It's because I'm wiry, you see.

Nerys likes guys who live their lives

at 100 miles an hour.

And I reckon when she's hot,

she is hot.

The only guy that could put her out

is Red Adair, and he's too expensive.

I think you should treat a chick

with consideration.

And that is why you'll never

get a date with Nerys, Jevon.

She prefers a bunch of fives

to a bunch of flowers.

But if my main man here

plays his cards right...

...see you, big guy.

Hey.

- Take care.

- Whoa.

- Yo!

[MICKEY AND JEVON LAUGHING]

- What's happening?

- Rodney Trotter's just got himself a date.

And we've convinced him

she likes really tough macho men.

- Who's the bird, then?

- Nerys.

What, Nervous Nerys?

- Yes!

So, can you tell me, what kind

of person are you looking for?

Well, a bird.

Yes. But are there

any particular requirements?

Yeah, a local bird. I don't want

to do too much of that driving.

So you're not looking

for a special type of person?

Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort.

A bit of a sort?

Yeah, you know. Everything

in the right place, you know.

Oh, yeah,

and she must be a bit refined.

- Must she?

- Oh, yeah.

I don't want you lumbering me

with some old bow-wow...

...who don't know the difference between

a Liebfraumilk and a can of Tizer.

Quite.

Because I'm a bit of a culture vulture,

myself.

Ah, a man of the arts.

Yes, you can't whack it.

And you can tell the lucky lady

she is guaranteed a steak meal.

A steak meal?

Guaranteed.

Do you wanna put that

on your floppy disk or what?

Yes. I'll make a note.

A steak meal.

Now, please don't feel pressurised

by this next question.

We're not trying to force you

into any decision or commitment.

The question is simply asked

to protect our clients.

Fire away. I've got nothing to hide.

What exactly do you seek

from this proposed introduction?

Is it simply friendship?

Yeah, friendship.

That'll do for a start. Yeah.

No, no. What I'm getting at is...

...do you see this leading to a more

permanent relationship or even marriage?

Slow down. Slow down, John. Oi, oi, oi.

You haven't even sorted me one out yet!

No, no, no. Just say friendship.

That'll do for a start.

Yes. Of course. Fine.

Well, let's see what surprises

the computer has in store for you.

I'll just feed your information

into our main computer.

Ah, now there's a lady here

who may suit.

Obviously, a refined lady.

She's on the board of governors

of an arts fund committee.

Thirty-eight years old.

Knocking on a bit, isn't she?

Yeah, she's widowed.

And her late husband was a stockbroker.

No. I don't think you're right

for each other.

No, no. Just a minute. Don't jump the g*n.

I'll give it a bash if she will.

- No. She's a rather sensitive person.

- That's right up my street, isn't it?

Yes, but she's specified

a non-smoker.

Well, you win some,

you lose some, don't you?

Now, this looks more promising.

Young lady, 30 years old,

something of a career woman.

- Yeah, go on.

- She's an actress.

Yeah? Is she famous?

I wouldn't have thought so,

would you?

No. No, I suppose not.

It might be a nice introduction,

seeing as you share a common interest.

What's that?

- The arts.

- Oh, yes, yes!

Right, yeah. Perfect. Well, then...

...where do we meet?

How do we recognise each other?

That's assuming that the young

lady fancies it.

- What'd you say her name again was?

- Uh....

Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.

Raquel.

Raquel.

Do you know that Raquel

is my most favourite name?

How fortunate.

In the present social climate, we

recommend first meeting during the day.

A lunch appointment, something like that.

After that, it's entirely up to the two clients.

A good meeting place is under

the main clock at Waterloo station.

It's rather traditional

and, in its way, quite romantic.

It evokes memories of Trevor Howard

and Celia Johnson.

We suggest that the gentleman

carries flowers as a point of recognition...

- ...and as a gift for the lady.

- Right.

Did they hit it off?

Who?

Well, this Trevor and Celia sort.

Yes, yes.

Cushty. Right. Well, you get on the blower

and give Raquel the old SP.

And tell her to keep on her toes.

Because the last girl I met at Waterloo

station got mugged on the escalator.

Yes, I'll tell her.

When, or indeed if,

you and Miss Turner should meet...

...we do emphasise the importance

of complete honesty.

There is very little future

in fabrication or deceit.

No, no, no. I agree. Yeah, we've got

to be right upfront with each other.

Good. Now, I'm afraid I'll have to trouble

you for the £25 membership fee.

- Right.

- I'm sorry. I've forgotten.

Is there an E

on the end of your name?

No, no. No E. It's Duval.

Derek Duval.

You going out?

No. I'm gonna bleed the brakes

on the van.

Of course I'm going out.

What, is it a special occasion?

It could be, uncle. Could be.

You never can tell.

I thought it might be one of your

mates' birthdays or something.

Nothing like that. I'm taking

a young lady out to lunch.

When I was a lad, I had

some smashing birthday parties.

When you get to my age,

nobody bothers.

Yeah, I know. It's a bark, isn't it, eh?

Yeah.

- So who's the bird?

- She's not a bird. She's an actress.

Yeah? Who?

Raquel Turner.

Name don't ring a bell.

What's she been in?

Loads of things. I can't remember them

off the top of me head.

- What's she look like?

- Uh....

Well, she's....

It's rather difficult to describe her.

Well, is she tall, short,

dark, fair, fat or thin?

Look, she's an actress.

She keeps changing her appearance.

How are you gonna recognise her, then?

Look, I'll recognise her.

Just don't keep going on about it, will you.

If you've got anything for the laundrette,

go and get it now.

It's not your washing day today.

No, but Rodney's going out.

I don't want to sit in this flat on me own.

All right.

Hello, Miss Turner, may I say--

No, no, no.

How do you do, Ms. Turner?

May I say how very pleased I am

to meet you?

I've admired your work

for many years.

May I call you Raquel?

Raquel is one

of my most favourite names.

Yeah!

My old joie de vivre

will knock her bandy.

Now, then, a quick livener, I think.

Then off we go.

Now, let me see. Where is that--?

[CLEARS THROAT]

- You're still here, then?

- Just about, just about.

- I thought you've got a date with Nerys?

- Yeah, I have.

Well, you'd better hurry up

and get changed. You'll be late.

I am changed.

- You're going out like that?

- Well, what's wrong with me?

Well, you look like an hooligan.

It is the fashion.

Haven't you read about it?

It's called the James Dean look.

Yeah, but when they said

the James Dean look...

...they meant before the crash!

I can't see you getting very far

with that Nerys bird dressed like that.

Oi. You just keep it out, right?

Let me lead my own life.

All right. Maybe she goes for blokes

who look like Barney Rubble.

I thought you were going out.

I am going out.

Well, hurry up and change. I'll take

those clothes down the laundrette.

I am wearing these clothes.

Yeah? Where are you taking her,

scrumping?

Del Boy's going out to lunch

with a world-famous actress.

- You got my socks and pants in there?

- Yeah. I've got them, boy. See you later.

So who is it, then? Meryl Streep?

No. Raquel Turner.

Are you kidding me?

No. Straight up.

The Raquel Turner?

Well, yeah. Have you heard of her?

No.

She been in anything?

Yes, loads of things,

but nothing that you would have seen.

What's that supposed to mean?

She has not been on Top of the Pops

or repeats of Batman.

Where are you taking her?

I am meeting her at Waterloo station,

and I have booked a table for lunch...

- ...at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane.

- You taking the van?

No. I am not taking the van.

Where would you meet an actress?

A friend of mine's in show business.

He introduced us.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

The other day, Albert took a call for you

and that was from some agency.

Oh, yeah? Oh, was it?

Is your mate an agent?

Yeah, that's right.

He's a show business agent.

Bloody hell, Del.

You wait till I tell the others.

Oi. Any chance of an autograph?

Yeah, no problem.

I'll get you hers as well.

Um....

Del, you don't think you might

be being a little bit...

...well, ostentatious?

Well, maybe, but I can afford it.

Yeah, but I mean....

Well, you know, the Hilton and all that.

You don't think you're being

a teensy-weensy bit over the top?

I mean, she's an actress, isn't she?

She'll bound to be cool and laid back.

Rodney, give me credit

for having some savvy.

I do know that a woman like Raquel

appreciates the subtle approach.

I have played the game before.

I do know what I'm doing.

Yeah, of course you do.

Well, best of luck, eh?

Cheers, bruv.

Open the door for us, Rodney, will you.

What's this?

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

OVER PA]

[HORN HONKS]

Hi.

- Is this a three-wheel van?

- It was the last time I counted.

I've never been

in a three-wheeled van before.

Well, then you have never lived, Nerys.

It's a bit....

What's the word? Smelly.

That is the odour of honest toil

and sweat, Nerys.

So where do you fancy going?

- I don't mind.

- Well, you just name your destination.

I don't care.

- So there's nowhere special?

- No. Anywhere.

Well, shall we take in a movie?

- I don't fancy the pictures.

- Well, how about a drink?

No. The pubs around here

are horrible.

- Do you fancy an hamburger?

- I've just had my dinner.

- Where do you want to go, then?

- I don't mind. Anywhere.

No, that's cool, Nerys.

I guess we'll just cruise.

What, in a three-wheeled van?

Yes.

This will be an experience

you will never forget, Nerys.

- You didn't wind your window down.

- I know!

Get out quick before it catches fire.

Hello.

Hello, love.

Blimey. You're not Raquel, are you?

I can be anyone

you want me to be, darling.

No, I mean, you're not an actress?

Well, I've played a few demanding roles

in my time.

There's a very nice little hotel

round the corner.

Why don't we discuss it there?

No, it's all right. There's been a mistake.

You know, it's my fault entirely. Sorry.

Oh.

You're one of those

who just likes to talk, aren't you?

No, there's been a mistake.

A genuine mistake.

I'm waiting for someone,

and I thought that you--

I'm beginning to lose my rag

with you, sweetheart.

Now, I'm gonna count to 10, right...

...then I'm gonna shove

these flowers right up your--

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

You realise that will be extra.

Gordon Bennett!

Oh, hell, the filth.

See you, darling.

Cor blimey.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

ON CAR RADIO]

What's that?

[SHOUTING INDISTINCLTY]

Swivel on that, camel breath!

- Weren't you frightened?

- What, of them punks?

No way.

Hello.

He nearly nicked one of your mates

just now...

...so I'd have it away on your toes

if I were you.

Is it Derek?

- Raquel?

- Yes.

- Hi. Hello.

- Hi.

Hello. I'm sorry about that.

- No. I should apologise for being so late.

- Oh.

- You know what these trains are like.

- Yeah.

Have you been waiting long?

Well, since about 10:00 this morning.

No, no. It was a joke.

It was just a joke.

Oh.

Oh, sorry. These are for you.

RAQUEL:

Are they?

Oh, you shouldn't have gone

to all this expense.

Mais oui, mais oui.

Well, I've booked a table

at my most favourite restaurant...

...if that's all right with you.

- Oh, yes, sounds lovely.

- Right.

Well, your carriage awaits.

Thank you.

RAQUEL:

This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?

DEL:

Do you reckon?

RAQUEL:

That's my favourite film.

DEL:

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's mine.

RAQUEL: Really?

DEL: Yeah.

DEL: My favourite bit is when

the big spaceship comes down...

...and all the Martians come out.

RAQUEL:

That's Close Encounters.

DEL:

Yeah, I love it.

I always thought

you were such a quiet person.

They're the ones you gotta watch, Nerys.

But just now you were so, well...

- ...tough.

- Ha, ha.

I get by.

I've lived in these streets too long

to be frightened.

Those punks back there, they're used

to people running scared from them.

They don't scare me.

This is my jungle...

...and I'm at the top of the tree.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- What's wrong, Rodney?

- Nothing.

- Why are we going so fast?

- I love speed.

But you said we were gonna cruise.

Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.

And that's from moi.

Sorry about that.

I had to get a message to a friend.

That's okay.

Well, go on. Get stuck in.

Don't wait for me.

- Mm, this is wonderful.

- Well, you can't go wrong here.

I hope you don't mind me

saying this, Raquel...

...but I'm a bit surprised to find someone

like you, attractive and talented...

- ...at a computer dating agency.

- Well, I might say the same about you.

A successful person...

...managing director

of his import-export business.

Why did you go to them?

Don't know, really.

I suppose I was grabbing

at straws, really.

I've been married before

and that was a disaster...

...and I've had, you know,

relationships with men...

...which have always ended unhappily.

- Maybe it's been the same for you?

- No. Blokes don't do a lot for me.

You know what I mean.

I found I used to take

my relationships seriously.

Used to plan. Stupid things like that.

But they were just playing a game.

Anyway, when I saw the agency's

advertisement, I thought, "Why not?"

At least I knew I'd be meeting someone

who wanted me to be there.

- Was it the same for you?

- Oh, yeah. Exactly, yeah.

I just thought, you know,

that you'd be meeting lots of people...

...you know, on the film sets

and that sort of thing.

Look, I've got to be honest with you.

The agency asked me what I did

for a living, so I said I was an actress.

Well, I suppose that's what I am.

I'm a member of the union, at least.

I had one line in a Doctor Who

about 10 years ago.

I was a lizard person.

I've done fringe theatre,

that sort of thing...

...but I never got the chance

to "make it."

I gave it all up for nine years

while I was married.

My husband was old-fashioned.

He thought there should only

be one bread winner.

Yeah, my dad was like that.

He got up at 6 every morning

to make sure my mum got to work.

No. Straight up.

Anyway, recently I've tried

to pick up my career...

...for what it was,

but I can't see me ever doing anything.

Au contraire, Raquel. Au contraire.

This time next year, you'll be a star.

- Oh, come on.

- No. "She who dares wins."

That is my motto.

No matter what, I've always

said that to my kid brother.

I said, "Rodney, this time next year

we'll be millionaires."

And look at you now.

Yeah. Look at me now.

No, the secret is, if you want

something bad enough, you'll get it...

...as long as you don't stop believing.

This is nice.

There's a lovely feeling of...

...I don't know. Honesty.

Yeah, well...

That's what it's all about, isn't it?

- Mr. Duval?

- Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you, sir. There's an

important call from your New York office.

Thank you very much, Charles.

Sorry about this.

Please, it's no problem.

- Charles, would you tell them I'm busy?

- Of course, sir.

- Please don't do this for me.

- No. I'm enjoying the company.

And I'm not gonna have it spoilt

by some soppy problem in New York.

These Yanks are gonna have to learn

to make decisions for themselves.

To success.

Wotcha, Dave!

Thank you, John.

When the agency phoned

and mentioned you, I was really excited.

They said you were a man of the arts.

It's not often you meet someone

interested in the theatre.

Oh, yeah. I love it.

Going into a theatre is so exhilarating.

Just the feel of the place.

Gets me going and all.

You can't whack a good play, can you?

Did you see the RSC's production

of Molière's Le Misanthrope?

No. I was out.

Oh, out of the country?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I was away on business.

- You missed something wonderful.

- Mm.

I know. I was gutted.

Um, that's the sort of play you like,

then, is it?

Not really. I like anything to do

with entertainment.

When I was a kid, my mum sent me

to tap dancing lessons.

I loved it.

When I was about 17, another girl

and me formed a pop duo.

Double Cream we called ourselves.

We were rotten!

But that's what I mean. I like anything.

Pop music to heavy drama.

I don't know about you.

I just love the works of Shaw.

Oh, yeah.

[SINGING]

Like a puppet on a string

You're just putting me on.

No. I really do like it.

Oh, thank you, Charles.

[COUGHS]

Thank you. I've really enjoyed

this afternoon.

So have I.

Um....

- Do you fancy going out Saturday night?

- Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday.

That's all right.

- You know, just thought I'd ask.

- No, let me explain.

I'm always busy on Friday

and Saturday nights at drama class.

- Oh, drama class.

- I teach.

Oh, right. What about....

Well, what about Monday night, then?

- I'd love to.

- Right.

Good. Well, where shall I meet you, then?

- Why don't you come round the flat?

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

Don't worry about letting me into the flat.

I'm not a pervert or anything.

I figured that one out.

Oh....

I feel terrible. I've kept you away

from your business.

No, that's all right. My brother

handles things when I'm not there.

[HORN HONKING]

[RODNEY SCREAMING]

Well, get his number!

I don't believe it.

They only gave me this yesterday.

- Did you get it?

- No, he was going too fast.

But there can't be too many yellow

three-wheeled vans around here.

That's right. I'll get him.

You see if I don't.

[HORN HONKING]

[HOOLIGANS YELLING]

You....

All right....

Don't ever do that again.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

What's wrong, Nerys?

Nerys?

[R&B MUSIC PLAYING

ON STEREO]

- Do you want another brandy?

- No. I'm fine, thanks.

- Please sit down.

- Right.

Here, listen. You didn't have to go

and cook a meal.

I said I was gonna

take you out for dinner.

And I said it's my way of saying

thank you for the other lunchtime.

Well, it was really lovely.

You know, thank you.

Do you think your car

will be all right out there?

- We get a lot of vandalism around here.

- Yeah, that's why I didn't bring the car.

You leave a Ferrari out there

and see what you come back to.

Oh, good.

I say, these flowers lasted well,

didn't they?

I'm not throwing them away.

They're my memories of a lovely day.

- Do you want a coffee?

- Yes, please.

Oh.

- Raquel.

- Hm?

I like you.

I like you.

Good.

- Um....

- Look at the state of this wall.

Yeah. It's horrible, isn't it?

Yeah, listen, I wanted

to ask you something.

Oh, Del.

Wait a while, eh?

See how we feel.

No, no, not that. No.

Cor blimey, no!

No. It's just that I had this idea

that might help you...

...and I wanted to talk to you about it.

You see, I've got a friend

who's a Mason.

I don't need a Mason.

A plasterer can do that.

No, no. I don't mean a stone mason.

I mean a Masonic Mason.

You know, it's....

Come in here and let me talk

to you about it.

Come on. Put that down. Leave it.

Sit down. Sit down.

Now....

- You're a talented actress, right?

- Says who?

Says me. I can tell these things.

Life has never given you a decent break,

and it doesn't matter how clever you are...

...you can never prove yourself

until someone gives you that break, right?

- Yeah.

- Right. Well...

...my friend's fellow Mason

is a television director.

- Right?

- So if I become a Mason...

...I can get him to give you that break.

You know, put you in a show.

But why would he do that?

He doesn't even know me.

No, no. He doesn't have to. You see,

masons have to do favours for each other.

- So he couldn't refuse to help me.

- But what favour would you do him?

Well, I don't know. I'll drop him

a monkey or something.

Don't worry.

He'll be as sweet as a nut.

You'd actually join the masons

just to help me?

Oh, yeah.

Aw.

Well, I mean, it's no sweat, is it?

I mean, you know, it's only the masons.

It's not like the Moonies or nothing.

They chuck a good dinner

and dance and all, you know.

But I'll be cheating, wouldn't I?

Of course you wouldn't be cheating.

I'd do all that for you.

No, I mean, I'd be using inside influence

to further my career.

Well, that's the name of the game,

isn't it? It's who you know.

You can't hang about for another

three years waiting to be discovered.

You've got to get in now

before you're past your sell-by date.

- Thanks.

- No, no, no. You know what I mean.

I mean, this is your first opportunity...

...it could be your last.

You've got to get in now

while the going's good.

"She who dares wins."

Well, I....

I'll leave it up to you, Del.

Whatever you think best.

All right. You do the coffee,

and I'll do the bizzo.

Do you think it'll work?

Yeah, of course.

It'll be a piece of cake.

They've been begging me

to join for years...

...but I've always given them a blank.

[PHONE RINGING]

[DUKE BARKING]

Get out of there, Duke!

Get out!

Daddy will be cross!

BOYCIE: Marlene! That dog

is in my aquarium again!

I've told him to get out,

but he don't take any notice!

He'll take some bloody notice

when I put piranha in there!

You're the master of the house,

you get him out!

[SWEETLY]

Hello. This is Boyce house.

Marlene, it's Del Boy.

How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, hello, Del. How's tricks?

Never better. Is the old man about?

Yeah, unfortunately.

I'll get him for you.

Del, when you're finished,

don't put the receiver down.

I want to have a word with you

about Albert's birthday.

Oh, God! It's this Friday, isn't it?

Um, Raquel?

Listen, we've got a bit of a celebration

going on this Friday. Do you fancy it?

- Not Friday. I'm at drama class.

- Oh, yeah.

I mean, couldn't you knock it on the head

just for this week?

- I'd like you to meet my family.

- Oh, and I still can't.

We're in the final rehearsal.

Anyway, I'm no good

at meeting families.

I always say something stupid.

You haven't met my family.

- Hello.

- Hello, Boycie.

- Del Boy.

- Hello, Del.

Yeah, listen. I want you

to do me a very big favour.

I want you to recommend me

for membership to your Masonic lodge.

[LAUGHING]

What's the matter, Del? Someone slip

some angel dust in your piña colada?

No, no, no. Only the most respected

members of our society can join my lodge.

You said they'd take anyone.

Yeah, but it wouldn't stretch to you.

You'd be blackballed at the first go.

Oh, leave it out. It'll be a doddle.

One of my best friends is a member.

- Who?

- You.

Oh. Oh, no, no, Del.

I couldn't possibly consider

proposing someone like you.

No. Listen, Boycie,

I'd be a very good Mason.

I can prove it. Masons are supposed...

- ...to do each other favours, right?

- Right.

Well, you do me the favour

of proposing me, and I'll do one for you.

And what might that be?

I won't tell Marlene

about that little bird in Sheffield.

- You wouldn't?

- Try me.

No, no, no, Del.

No, you may be many things,

but you are not a grass.

I don't think we've got anything else

to say to each other. Bye for now.

Don't put that phone down.

I want to talk to him

about Albert's birthday.

Del? What do you think he'd like

for a present?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yeah. I do know that he does like

a bit of fishing, right.

And he was talking about getting himself

a proper anglers' knife...

...but it must be made of Sheffield steel.

- Sheffield?

- Give us that phone!

Yes, Boycie? Thank you, Boyce.

Thank you. Bye.

[SINGING "I'M IN THE MOOD

FOR LOVE"]

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

Look at that daft old twonk.

Be grateful for small mercies.

The queen has two birthdays a year.

- That's true.

- Del. You promised me, mate.

What can I do, Mike? You've given

him too much to drink, haven't you?

He's started to slur his words now.

He's almost offended some of the ladies.

- How do you mean?

- Well, he wanted a rum and black...

...but he ordered a bum and rack.

You ought to cross your fingers

he doesn't fancy a Bucks Fizz.

Come on, then, tell us. What happened

at the Masonic lodge last night?

Oh, yeah.

I had to go meet the committee members,

you know, try to make a good impression.

Yeah. So you're a Mason now?

No, no, no, not yet. The committee

are discussing me this evening.

But as Boycie said, there's always

the chance that I could be blackballed.

What's that,

part of the initiation ceremony?

No, no, no.

You see, each committee member

has one white ball and one black ball.

To vote, they put one of their ba*ls

in a bag.

- Snooker ba*ls?

- Yeah.

- Got you.

- Yeah, you see.

And when they empty the bag, if all

the ba*ls are white, it means you're in.

But if there's one black ball, just one,

that's it, you're out, you know.

Are you doing all this for Raquel?

Yeah. Well, you know....

She's worth it, Rodney.

I can't wait to meet her.

Is she coming down here tonight?

- No, she can't. She's rehearsing.

- Yeah? What in?

Don't know. A rehearsal room,

I suppose.

No. I mean, what play?

Oh. I don't know. Something, you know,

deep and meaningful.

One of them Russian jobs

most probably.

What, the ones we don't watch on BBC2?

Chekhov, that sort of stuff?

No, no. Those are the ones

I never used to watch...

...but in them days, you see,

I wasn't esoteric.

No?

No, but, you know,

Raquel's taught me what's what.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you stick me

in front of the telly...

...with a Singapore Sling

and a bit of Chekhov...

...and I'm as happy as a sand boy.

Aw, she's.... She's good news,

Rodney. I mean, she really is.

You know, she's lovely,

she's beautiful, she's talented.

She got a good pair of lungs

on her and all.

Yeah?

Yes. I mean, she's got

a good singing voice.

She's got a voice that's a cross

between that Kiri Te Kanawa...

...with a little touch of Whitney Houston.

- Lovely. Just what the doctor ordered.

- Yeah.

Here's Boycie. Boycie!

Over here! Over here!

Sit yourself down, Boycie.

Have the committee

come to a decision yet?

Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.

Well, bad news for you at least.

You were blackballed.

Oh, no.

Someone put a black ball

in the bag? Who?

When they emptied the bag,

there was more than one black ball.

- Blimey.

- Well, let's put it this way...

...have you ever seen the bottom

of a rabbit's hutch.

I'm sorry, Derek. I did me best.

What am I gonna tell Raquel now?

Oh, look, if she's as talented

as you say she is...

...she don't need you bribing

some television director.

Her talent will win through.

No, you're right, Rodney.

You know, you're right. Yeah.

No, she's gonna be a star one day

because she has got talent.

ALBERT:

All together now!

Which is more than you can say

for that soppy, old git.

[SINGING] Oh, I put me finger

In a woodpecker's hole

And the woodpecker said,

"God bless my soul!

Take it out, take it out

Wiggle it about, remove it!"

Albert, that is enough!

Del, can't you chuck him in back of the van

and drive him home?

With that engine,

you must be joking.

It needed a walking frame

to get down here tonight.

- It was going all right the other day.

- When was that?

I saw Dave driving it. Some of his mates

were following him.

- Oh, yeah?

- Well, yeah...

...but the engine

was well lumpy then, Del.

Yeah, but it was going a fair

old lick, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. Well, yeah,

but it was making a terrible noise.

Hang on. What's this all about?

ALBERT:

All together now!

Albert Trotter?

Aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter,

late of her Majesty's ship Peerless?

- Aye, sir.

- I'm placing you under arrest.

- They're only nicking him, look.

- What's going on?

You'll be taken to the naval stockade

where you will await court martial.

Yeah, but.... But why?

Dereliction of duty.

November 19, 1941, while serving

with the Royal Pacific Fleet...

...you did wantonly abandon

your watch duties...

...thus causing the sinking

of HMS Peerless...

...and causing considerable damage

to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.

But that was nearly 50 years ago.

The papers have only been discovered...

...in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters,

Singapore.

Uh, I couldn't understand the radar.

It was all blibs and blobs.

- Read the charges, petty officer.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter...

...you are hereby ordered by Her Majesty

the Queen, the Lords of the Admiralty...

...and by all your friends and relatives

to have a very happy birthday!

[SINGING]

I'd like to get you

On a slow boat to China

All to myself

Alone

- Is this your birthday surprise?

- Yeah.

I saw this strippergram

in the local paper.

I've done him up like a kipper.

Look at the old sod's face!

You wait! I'll get you for this,

you toe-rag!

I'd like to....

Raquel?

Raquel? Is this the actress you've

been telling us so much about, Del Boy?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

That's your Raquel?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right?

Oddly enough...

...I am not all right!

Look, Del, don't get out

of your pram over it.

Don't get out of my pram?

Don't get out of my pram?

She's just humiliated me

in there in front of my friends!

But you booked her.

I did not book her, Rodney.

I booked a strippergram.

I did not know it was her because

I did not know she did that for a living.

I thought she was an actress

because that is what she said she was.

Instead she goes round pubs dressed

in stockings and suspender belts...

...flashing her thrupenny bits

at blokes!

I shouldn't worry about it, Del.

I don't think very many people noticed.

Anyway, what about when you used

to go out with that bird Monique?

Now, she used to go round in public

wearing next to nothing on.

She was a lifeguard!

Well, yeah, all right.

Del!

Wait a minute!

Look, I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.

Just leave him.

He'll calm down in a year or two.

- You lied to me!

- No, I didn't!

I never told you I wasn't a stripper!

Anyway, that's the pot

calling the kettle black.

I've just found out your name is Trotter.

You told me you were called

Derek Duval!

Derek Duval?

That was just a slip of the tongue.

And you didn't tell me

you were a market trader.

And I suppose this is the Ferrari.

All right. So I might occasionally

tell the odd porkie or two.

But I tell you something I don't do.

I don't go round pubs dressed

in stockings and suspenders...

...flashing me boobs at geezers!

Do I, Rodney?

No. He's never done anything like that.

No. Thank you.

Oh, Del, please listen to me.

I just do this a couple of evenings

a week to pay for my drama lessons.

Where'd you think I found the money

to live on?

Oh, I don't know. I thought you was

on the old rock 'n' roll or something.

No, I'm not on the dole.

I pay for my own way in this world.

I'm sorry you don't like

what I do for a living.

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I don't bloody like it either!

Anyway, you said you wanted me

to meet your family.

Yes, but I meant

with your bloody clothes on!

- I got blackballed for you.

- I'm sorry.

But before you start moralising too much,

just remember one thing.

You booked me for this evening.

I didn't know it would be you.

Oh, so it would be all right

to leer and lust over a stranger?

Yes!

No.

Oh, I don't know.

Look...

...this is probably a daft question...

...but do you want to see me anymore?

Yes, of course I want

to see you again, sweetheart.

But next time I'll pay at the door

like all the other punters.

There was no need

to say that to her, Del.

I know there wasn't.

Now I wish I hadn't.

Like most things in my life...

...it's too bloody late.

[ENGINE CHOKES]

I fancied a bit of a walk anyway.

[REGGAE PLAYING ON RADIO]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- Is that true, then?

- Is what true?

All these rumours I've been hearing about

you falling in love with some stripper.

Oh, leave it out, Sid!

I wasn't in love with her.

I was just, you know, knocking about

with her. You know what I mean?

That's what I thought. I told them, "Del Boy

wouldn't get serious over some tart."

No, of course not. What do they

think I am? Some sort of wally?

A cup of tea, please, Sid?

All right?

What's up with you now?

Is it the 175-quid repair bill for the van?

Is it her?

- Her?

- Raquel.

I've never known anyone

called Raquel.

No. Right.

Oi. You coming down to Coach

the Horses tonight? They've got a strip--

Comedian on.

No, I don't think so. I'll probably

stay in and watch a bit of telly.

There's one of them Chekhov plays

on BBC2.

Load of old cobblers.

Raquel, what a lovely surprise.

Look who's here, Del.

You got time for a cup of tea?

I don't know.

Have I got time for a cup of tea?

Well, it's a free country.

See, I told you he'd mellow

after a bit.

Well, I've got to go somewhere to....

Well, I've got to go somewhere.

Here, have my tea.

WOMAN:

Oi, Rodney!

RODNEY:

Oh, hello, Mrs Samson.

MRS. SAMSON:

What did you do to my Nerys?

She come in shaking like a leaf.

White as a sheet she was.

RODNEY: It weren't me, Mrs. Samson.

It was some yobs.

What sort of week have you had?

Blinding. You?

Rotten.

- It's a tough, old world, isn't it?

- Tougher than I ever imagined.

I've resigned

from the strippergram agency.

- Good.

- I've signed on the dole.

It's a step up the ladder, isn't it?

Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you let me find out like that?

You don't think I wanted you

to find out in that way, do you?

That night I took a job to give birthday

greetings to someone called Albert Trotter.

It had been paid for

by someone called Derek Trotter.

Now, if I'd known your real name,

I wouldn't have taken the job.

You still didn't tell me

what you did for a living.

I was hoping there'd be no need to.

After I met you and I realised we were...

...becoming close...

...I planned to pack the whole business in,

then you'd been none the wiser.

It just didn't work out that way.

I thought I knew you.

I knew nothing.

You were all disguises and secrets.

Sorry.

I'm going on a tour.

Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one.

No, it's no mystery.

An agent called me a couple of days ago.

It could be helpful to my career.

Well, cushty.

You won't have to worry

about bumping into me.

- It's a tour of the Middle East.

- The Middle East?

I didn't know they went in for all that

Uncle Vanya and Run for Your Wife stuff.

No, it's not a play, it's a revue.

Dancing, that sort of thing.

Oh, use your noddle, Raquel.

You read about that sort of thing

in the Sunday papers.

You'll end up as a hostess

in some topless dive in the Kasbah.

No. It's an official tour.

All above board.

You'll probably get kidnapped

and end up in a harlem.

Don't be silly.

If that's what you want.

It's not what I want.

It's the next best thing.

It's a shame we couldn't have been

more honest with each other.

Look, I was straight with you.

Oh, all right. So I called myself Duval.

Well, what's wrong with that?

That's nothing, is it?

I mean, it's just a joke.

I didn't tell you any other lies.

SID: Del?

- What's he want?

Maybe it's another call

from your New York office.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Del, I just wanna say thanks.

- What for?

- For lots of things.

For being the only man I've ever met

who wanted me to keep my clothes on.

For getting yourself blackballed for me.

For giving me back some self-esteem.

I used to wake up in the morning, look

in the mirror and think, "Oh, you again."

But after I met you,

I used to wake up and think:

"Great. Another day.

You're gonna be somebody.

This time next year, I'll be famous."

Thanks for that.

Raquel...

...would you like a piece

of my fried bread?

Yes.

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow afternoon.

I've got a cab coming at 12.

It's taking me to Waterloo station.

That's ironic, isn't it?

It doesn't have to be the end.

We could still go on seeing each other.

Yeah. I'll pop over to Addis Ababa

and catch the show.

I mean, I don't have to go.

You said you'd already agreed to it.

If I'm not there, I'm not there.

They'll have to find a replacement.

Shouldn't be difficult. Thousands of girls

are begging for a chance like this.

I don't know what to say, sweetheart.

It's taken me a bit by surprise.

I've done all my thinking,

and I know what I want.

If you want me to stay, then I will.

And I'm not talking about

any heavy commitment...

...like marriage or even living together.

We could just...

...be there for each other.

Think about it, won't you?

Yeah. Of course I will.

If you like the idea,

just be at my flat tomorrow.

If not, I'll understand.

Yeah.

I just need a bit of time, that's all.

Okay.

Thanks for the fried bread.

I'll see you...

...maybe?

I'll be honest, Rodney.

It was funny at the time, mate.

Yeah, well, Del didn't seem to think so.

No. Well, he wouldn't, would he?

Del's been taking it all very well,

as it happens.

We'll have to take your word for that

because he ain't been in since.

He had a bit of thinking to do last night.

He's got a sort of decision to make.

What's that? Whether to pay the bill

from the strippergram agency?

Mike, you're getting bang out of order.

Morning, all.

Same again for Rodney,

a Singapore Sling for me...

...a small rum for Elton John over there,

and take one for yourself, Michael.

Cheers, Del.

So...

...what are you doing?

Well, I've been thinking about her

all night last night, Rodney.

She's had a tough old life.

Her old man was a right rough-house.

The other blokes that she's know

before that were no better.

You know, she's had nothing but bad luck.

Then she met me.

Bloody hell, life's a b*tch, isn't it?

That is when her luck changed,

Rodney!

Oh. Well, yeah, that's what I meant.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, you know,

I've always been bad luck to women.

- No, you ain't.

- No. I have, I have.

- Thanks, Mike.

- Cheers.

I was thinking back last night to all

the birds that I've known, you know.

Yeah.

I've brought them all

nothing but bad luck.

I'm a bit like that Little Joe.

Little Joe?

Yeah. You know, in Bonanza. Little Joe.

You ain't, Del.

You're nothing like him.

No, not in looks.

I mean, he's an ugly-looking git.

But, I mean, you know whenever

you watch an episode of Bonanza...

...and Little Joe falls in love with a woman,

you know she is gonna die.

I mean, as soon as he starts

stronging it with a sort...

...you can guarantee that she's either

going to catch the fever...

...get trampled underfoot in a stampede,

or the Indians are gonna have her.

That's not going to happen to Raquel.

No, I know it won't.

No. I thought about it last night.

I thought to myself, "Whatever happens...

...Raquel is not gonna end up

full of arrows."

So what I'm gonna do is give myself

a couple of quick liveners...

...then I'll go around to her flat.

Yeah. Well done, Del.

You stuff what the others think.

That's right, bruv. That's right.

Thank you, Rodney. You stuck by me.

You're a diamond.

- Oh, get off, will you?

- No, no, you are.

I'll never forget that.

- You did laugh at the time, though.

- Yeah, but I didn't know who it was!

- So this is all serious stuff?

- Hm?

Well, no. I mean, you know, no.

We're not talking about marriage,

not even living together.

It's just that....

You know, we're just....

We're just gonna be there for each other.

Cheers. Cheers, Rodney.

- All the best, Del.

- Cheers.

You can imagine how I felt, can't you?

I felt like a right dipstick.

Del, I know we all had a laugh at you,

but no offence was meant by it.

It's all right, Mike. None taken.

It's all forgotten about now.

I thought Albert took it well,

although he did threaten to get even.

Yeah, well, Del ain't eaten a thing

Albert's cooked ever since.

Talking about Albert,

take that rum over for him...

- ...will you, Rodney?

- Yeah.

Mm, what's the time?

Cor, look at the time.

I'm supposed to be round

Raquel's by noon.

Give her my love, won't you?

Tell her to pop in for a drink.

Yeah, I will, Mike. Cheers.

There you go, Albert.

- So has he reached a decision?

- Yeah.

He's going round to her flat in a minute.

Good. She wouldn't have been happy

touring round the Middle East.

I never liked it over there.

Did I ever tell you about that time

I was in Cairo?

Yes, you must have, Albert.

You must have.

Oh, God!

- What's up, Rodney?

- I gotta go, all right? I gotta go.

Blimey, you want to clean

your pipes out a bit, Mike.

It's gone right through him, that has.

Listen, I must be off.

I'll see you.

MICHAEL: Take care.

- Ta-ta.

Is your name Trotter?

- Yes, that's my name. That's me, yes.

- Is that your yellow van out there?

What, the one with Trotter

written on the side?

Yes, that's mine.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, a yellow

three-wheeled van very similar to yours...

...shot the lights between Lewisham Hill

and Woodford Lane.

We're questioning the owners

of all such vehicles.

Oh! Well, look no further, officers.

It was me. It's a fair cop. I done it.

- It's not me.

- You disappoint me, uncle.

- Mr. Trotter.

DEL: Yes.

Either you're not

taking this very seriously...

...or you don't understand the full

implications of your last statement.

Look, come on, darling, I'm a bit pushed

for time. Can we get on with it?

- What do you mean?

- Well, you know what I mean. Hurry up.

Come on, get them off!

I would've thought you'd have come up

with something more original than that.

It's got nothing to do with me, son!

If it wasn't anything to do

with you, what--?

Oh, my God!

Nick him!

No. Please!

I've got to meet someone at noon.

You are going to meet someone,

our desk sergeant.

A very nice man. I'm sure you two

will get on like a house on fire.

DEL: Look, can you take me round

to Herrington Road?

I gotta meet someone.

It's left here.

Yeah. If you could just go-- If you--

Oh, thanks very much, pal!

Can I at least use your phone?

OFFICER 1:

You're allowed one phone call.

DEL: Thanks. What's the time?

OFFICER 2: Twenty to 1.

Oh, terrific!

You don't know the code

for Addis Ababa, do you?

[END THEME PLAYING]