01x07 - Conscious Uncoupling

[bunniefuu]

Hey Saffron, I know
that you spent the night

at your dad's last night.

Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool,

because I am flexible.

Even though the schedule has
stayed the same for five years.

But guess what? Me?

Boop! Open to change.

I made ya a cake. Surprise!
- Mom...

It's your favourite, honey.

Um, it's like a money cake,
but guess what.

It's got period products in it.

Mom, stop.

Amazing. It's got pads,
it's got tampons.

I just dread the money
cake 'cause guess what-

Mom!

We've talked about this.

You have no boundaries.

I just need some space.

Okay, honey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got space.

I got loads of space.

I love space.

I'm practically like NASA.
You want a ride?

That's the exact
opposite of what I want.

Okay, I'll talk to you tonight.

Good, yeah, I'm gonna see
you tonight, that's for sure.

'Cause I'm gonna call you,
I'm not gonna call you.

I love you, you wanna
see me pop a wheelie?

Mom's cool, beep-bow!

Zap me up, brah!

[quirky upbeat music]

Hey, um, I tried to call you
all weekend to apologize.

What is going on?

I am just moving out
the last of my things.

If you could please
wait outside,

that would be wonderful.

Okay, I'm pretty sure the
picture of Pete and I is mine.

I'm pretty sure that
you gave it to me, so.

And I didn't respond
to your apology

because you complained
about me to HR

and then you lied about it.

And I'm pretty sure
that this pen is mine.

You were touching people
who didn't wanna be touched.

How would you know?

[Julie].
Because it was me!

I don't wanna be
touched by you!

Well then, honey, be specific,
don't speak for the group.

I specifically don't want
your a*s on my desk right now.

You don't? You don't like
this a*s on your desk?

Do you like this?

Hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo.
[Julie groaning]

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-

You have made my job
impossible since day one.

You wouldn't have a job
if it wasn't for me. Hmm?

You know what I think?

I think that we
should take a break.

That is the first idea of
yours I've actually liked. Hmm.

[light music]

Close the door after you.

Maybe don't let it
hit you on that a*s.

[light upbeat music]

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Can I ask you
something?

Is it about your
fight with Kris?

I can't talk to
Kris right now

because she's
being ridiculous.

This is about Pete.

Okay, so
this morning,

I asked him if he
wanted to have lunch

and he said no

because he
has a thing.

But I know
on Tuesdays

he never has
a thing.

But then he
gets a text

saying he does
have a thing.

But the text is
from a number

I don't recognize,

which is a
huge thing.

What is happening here?

What is happening here?

No, no, no, no, this,

you trying to
talk to me

about non-work stuff.

What is this about?

You're my only other
work friend, so.

As your friend,

you should know that I
have a lot of work to do

and friends do
not let friends

not get their
work done.

You're right, Jamila.

What do I do when
I have problems?

I bury myself in work.

That's right.

Thank you, friend.

You're welcome, yes!

Where was I?

Ooh, these are
to die for!

Gonna look like fire!

[upbeat alt-rock music]

[Kris].
Mo, I messed up.

Saffron stayed at
her dad's last night

and she didn't even
eat her apology cake.

It looks really good.

Red Velvet?
- Yeah.

Can I, uh?

Yeah, thanks.

I lost my daughter and I
lost my best friend, Julie.

Although I don't
care about Julie

'cause she's
an arse fart.

Hold on now,
there's no way

that you lost
your daughter.

Maybe you need to go a
little easier on Julie,

because I really feel

like she's
trying to help.

Hmm, mm, oh, okay.

It's not used.

Oh, that's fun.

You wanna know
what she did?

Okay, are you ready?

So Julie took
eighty knives

and then she stabbed
me in the back

just like this.

[Kris grunting]
- Oh, oh, geez.

[Kris and Mo grunting]

And one in the throat,

[grunts] and twisted it.
- Ooh!

[Kris and Mo grunting]

She slit it.

Okay, okay.
- Yeah.

I think maybe Julie

or anybody else,
for that matter,

is struggling to
share how they feel

because they're worried
about the person

rejecting them or
reacting badly.

Maybe they wanted to
tell you how they felt

for a very long time.

Maybe there's been clues.

Maybe there's been magic.

[sensual music]

Oh, I am so sorry.

Shambala.

[sensual music continues]

♪

Yes.

Obviously, we are
together now.

[sensual music continues]

Oh, P.S.

♪ We're goin' out tonight ♪

Top tip, I love baked cheese.

Baked cheese.

[sensual music continues]

I'm float, I'm floating.

I knew Kris was
gonna be a huge star.

And look, our numbers
are fantastic.

And "Glow Up with Kris"
has just been nominated

for a Poddy Award.
- Oh!

Fantastic, okay.
- Mmhmm.

Well, we'll have to
capitalize on this.

What's your next move then?

Dooh, next, next move...

Celebrity guest?

Perfect, perfect.

But make it a
big one, okay?

Uh, Ariana Lupo or, uh,

Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

Okay?

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh ♪

[light music]

Excuse me.

Sorry, could you
guys move down?

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Oh no, no, no.
I don't wanna sit there.

Something stinks over there.

[Evan].
Okay, butts in seats please.

Okay, guys, butts in seats.

Today is a good day because

"Glow Up with Kris"
just got nominated

for a Poddy Award for
Best New Podcast.

[crowd gasping]

Oh my God!
- Ah!

So exciting!
- Woo!

I did it, I did it!

Yeah, you thought
of the concept

and you produced
the podcast, right.

'Cause it's your
name on the poster,

"Glow Up with Julie"?

I don't think so.

[Julie].
I don't wanna win
the award with you.

I don't want anything
to do with you.

Well, I don't want
anything to do with you.

Well, I do. I want it, okay?

Because it's my brainchild.

And now I can say that
I am the proud Zaddy

of an award-nominated podcast

and I am gonna use
that little nom

to snag us a
phenomenal guest,

someone famous.

Since Kris clearly
doesn't need me

to produce her
award-nominated show,

uh, I think we should
do a little switcheroo

and I'll produce Chelsey

and Robyn can produce Kris.

Okay.

Wait. What?
- Why? What?

[Evan].
I don't care, I don't care.

Make it work.

Just get it done.

And know that I will
get us a celebrity guest

if it kills me.

We could do an
episode about a man

who's keeping a
secret from his wife.

Oh, she finds out what
it is and he kills her.

No, no, not that.

Oh, yes, the
mistress kills her.

No, why does the
wife have to die?

'Cause the wife always
gets m*rder*d, Julie, okay?

And we're doing
a m*rder podcast.

I feel like you do
that every week.

What if we do an episode
where the wife lives?

No, I'm sorry,
if nobody gets m*rder*d,

I am not doing it.

Sorry, Boomer.

I am not a Boomer!

I am Gen X.

Same difference.

We are a tiny but mighty
and ignored generation

who grew up watching
a lot of television

that led us to
believe that quicksand

was going to be a large
danger in our life, hey!

Fine, ignore me.

Just makes my
generation stronger!

I put a call out
for Post Malone

and I set my
intention candle,

so I actually think
it could happen.

Why are you stressing?

This is not like you.

Michael's just not that
thrilled about the nomination

because "Queen of King Studios"

has way more
nominations than we do.

Yeah, he really
hates Amanda King.

So I have to find a big name.

Well, I could put in a
call into Naomi Klein.

And I could throw myself
into traffic, Julie.

But neither of those
suggestions is gonna help.

[Evan chuckling]

[Robyn].
Okay, so what do you want
this episode to be about?

I get to choose?

Yeah.

Okay, great, um, well,
I have a load of ideas.

Um, we could do an episode on
highlighter or low lighter.

Okay, I like those.
- This one, rainbows-

This would be fun.

I love rainbows.

Metallic freckles,
that's pretty wild.

That's awesome.

This one just says "panther",
I don't what it means.

I wrote it on a napkin.

Oh, I love that, roar.

[Kris].
We could do this
episode anywhere.

We could do it
in a public pool

or a prison or a kindergarten.

Like, wanna go to space?

We could do that.

I think this could be
a super fun episode.

This could be a great episode.

You just gotta choose.

♪ I am letting it steep,
letting it percolate ♪

With the thoughts in my mind,

and they're there and
they're ready to pounce.

And then it's,
I'm gonna circle back.

Okay.

Thank God I have
an appointment.

So I just,
I mean, I have to go.

Are we not starting
the episode today?

I gave you twelve ideas.

I'm a genius, okay?

Listen, you better
get to work.

Wait, what?

[quirky upbeat music]

Let's try this a different way.

Say the k*ller has a secret
he's keeping from his wife.

What could that be?

That he's a k*ller.

Besides that.

We can't do a show about some
imaginary m*rder*r, okay?

We have to pick one.

Dahmer, Manson, Bundy,
Berkowitz, Bernardo, Ramirez,

Menendez, the Black Dahlia,

Jack the ripper,
the Hillside Strangler.

I would hate to see
your search history.

Okay, fine, the, the
k*ller is my husband.

[gasping]

Your husband k*lled someone?

Nope, no, no, no, no, no, my
husband did not k*ll anyone.

He's been acting
strangely lately,

I'm just trying to
figure out what's happening.

He's probably cheating.

That's what I thought too,
but nope.

So now I'm looking
for new ideas.

Hmm, gambling addiction.

He got food poisoning
one time at the casino,

so the craps table has a whole
different meaning for him.

Post Malone blocked me,
he blocked me!

I feel like I blew out
my intention candle

too soon or something.

It's okay, I got this.

We are gonna find
someone fantastic!

Julie, I know how you can find
out what Pete's secret is.

Okay, great, what is it?

Ask him.

That's your great idea?

My generation values
direct communication.

My generation prefers
to communicate

through mix tapes, so.

Just call him, right now.

God, your eye contact
is unrelenting.

Do you ever blink?

Okay, fine, I'll call him.

Could I have some privacy?

Okay, Boomer.
- Ugh, Gen X!

[light electric guitar music]

[Doctor Kent].
Multiple results back.

Whatever it is, I can take it

'cause it's better than
not knowing, it sucked.

I wish I had better news.

Your results are,
uh, inconclusive.

Could be any of a
number of things.

So I'll have to book you
in for a sonohysterogram.

Oh, well, sh**t.

I just, I don't,
I don't know what that is.

How long till
that appointment?

Four months at least.

What are we gonna
do about the pain

and the bleeding till then?

A lot of women go on
the birth control pill.

Oh God, I can't do that.

I lost my mind on that.

How about an IUD?

That's funny 'cause I heard
that's like a fish hook.

Isn't there metal in that one?

Yes.

Interesting, huh?

Is there any other options?

[Doctor Kent].
I've told you the options:

you test in four months,

IUD or you keep
taking ibuprofen.

They're good for the,
the old kidneys, um...

I'm gonna need more time.

Yeah.

[Kris sighs]

Thought about it. [laughs]

[Doctor Kent].
Okay.

Um, I ran out of
ibuprofen, so I'm gonna...

[Kris sighing]

The old fish hook, yeah,
I'm gonna go for the IUD.

Okay.
- Okay.

[light rock music]

[Kris mimicking engine revving]

We don't, we're not gonna
do that now, but I-

No, I know, I know that.

So I was just...

I was just chilling
out for a second.

I got a big day ahead
of me at the office.

Whassup?!

Oh hey.

Remember?

Yeah, it's a deep cut,
babe, mm-hm.

Ah.
- Ah, okay.

Well, thank you for coming in.

Yeah, of course, what's up?

Uh, 'sup.

Okay, um, I have a
question for you.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, If you thought I was
hiding something from you,

what would you do?

Eat my feelings, make a
Spotify playlist about you.

Right?
- Yeah.

This is what normal
healthy adults do.

But my coworker thinks I
should just ask directly.

Weird.
- Yeah.

Could work, but.

Alright, well here goes.

Um, are you hiding
something from me?

I feel like there's
something going on.

Yeah, there is something.

Oh, I knew it.

I'm training to
be a firefighter.

I'm sorry, what?

When you were up
for that promotion,

I saw how passionate you were
about following your dreams

and you inspired me.

So you dreamt of
being a firefighter?

Yeah, ever since I was a kid.

I had no idea.

Babe, it is literally my
Halloween costume every year.

My Halloween costume is
always Austin Powers,

that doesn't mean
I wanna be a spy.

Why didn't you tell me?

I am the oldest guy there,
it's very intimidating.

I'm proud of you.

Also, you know, I've
always had kind of a thing

for firefighters.

Oh, I know.

Another reason why it's
always my Halloween costume.

Mm, does that mean you have
a thing for Austin Powers?

No, no, not at all.
No, I don't like it.

[in British accent] Does it make
you feel sexually excited, baby?

Do you want to allow me

to touch your bathing
suit areas, baby?

God, I'm gonna call HR.

Kris, your fight
with Julie ends now.

Stop whatever you're doing.

I just got us the
perfect celebrity guest

for "Glow Up with Kris".

You know, their only
time is now, right?

So please come to the office
immediately, all right?

Evan, about the
Chelsey episode,

I was wondering if we could-

Before you say whatever
you're gonna say,

I just got us Peaches.

Peaches?

Peaches.
- Peaches?!

I feel like I'm speaking
another language.

Musician, q*eer feminist icon,

performance artist,
rock god Peaches?!

Mmhmm.
- I love her!

Her song, "f*ck The Pain Away,"

first song I played
at my wedding.

What? Okay, I have a problem,

Kris isn't here.

I don't know where to find her

and-and Peaches could
come in at any minute.

So can you do the interview?

Ah! Yes! Oh my God!

Yes, yes, yes!

I've always wanted
to interview Peaches.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah!
- Okay.

Oh my God, I, I just
totally hugged you.

No, I'm-

Inappropriate for the office.

Yeah, so I won't-

It was weird.

[in unison] Ugh!

eat quirky rock music]

It's a totally
different place.

Yeah, yeah.

[Julie].
Transformed for sure.

Hello, Peaches!
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, hi.
- Oh my God, um...

I'm Kris from
"Glow Up with Kris".

'Cause that's the
title of the show

and I am the host
of that show.

I just need to speak to my
colleague for just a second.

Okay.

You're beautiful and you're
here, oh my god, okay.

[Peaches].
All good.

I am doing this interview.

I am not going anywhere.

Yes, you are.
- Nope, I'm not.

Just one second.

This is the
interviewing chair.

Okay, oh my God!

We have talked about you
putting your a*s on me.

Honey, if you don't
want my a*s on your a*s,

then you gotta move your a*s.

How can my a*s be on your a*s
when my a*s is on the chair?

Potato, patato, you
are embarrassing us!

That is not how-
- That is not how-

potato, patato works!
- potato, patato works!

You are embarrassing-

Hey, hey, listen, I
love a good a*s talk...

Mm-hmm.

But what the
f*ck is going on?

I'm interviewing you.
- I'm interviewing you.

I'm confused, what do I do?

Just keep recording.

I really don't wanna
fight with you.

I am so exhausted from fighting
with my body all the time.

I don't have the
energy for this.

I wanna fight with you.
- What?

Because then I
don't have to focus

on the fact that I'm losing
the fight with my doctors

and I think I'm
losing my daughter.

And I'm so sorry,

this wasn't
supposed to happen.

And I, um, I feel
like a real loser.

You're not a loser,
I'm not a loser.

Peaches, you are
definitely not a loser.

We're not losers.

I think we could use
some teaches, Peaches.

Okay, I got some teaches.

Yes.
- Yes.

It's either perimenopause
or menopause.

No, I just, I
can't accept that

because the doctor doesn't
say that any of my symptoms

are perimenopause.

And everything you hear about
menopause is so absolutely crap.

Why would you ever
admit that you're in it?

Menopause.

[Kris groaning]

And perimenopause.
- [Kris] Okay, Julie.

I love you, you're amazing,
I'm in perimenopause, okay?

I admit it, there,
I just said it.

Menopause is hard.

But there's a strength
going through it.

And now you make a choice.

And the choice I've made is
to not give a f*ck! [laughs]

I would love not
to give a f*ck.

That's basically
where my trouble is.

I've got no libido and
when I do have sex,

it feels like razor blades.

And honestly, ah, I could
give up the P in V sex,

but I'm not sure that
my husband Pete can.

I'm worried that if I
cannot fix this thing,

I am gonna do some
damage to my marriage.

But have you told him?

No, she can't talk
about it with him.

It's not like you're talking
to your kid about your thing.

It's not the same thing,
my thing's scary.

It's just lots
of like bleeding

and there's doctor's
appointments

and there's fainting,

and, and she's just a kid.

And I don't have anyone
to talk to at home.

And just she's,
I'm alone, Julie.

[soft music]

Okay, gimme your hand,
gimme your hand, you too.

And two of you take hands.

Julie, look at each other.

You have each other,
look at each other.

Okay.
["Kick It" by Peaches]

This is what we need.
This is our strength!

[in unison] This
is our strength!

Yes Peaches!

Say it in the mic.

This is our strength!

♪ Tear it up, rip it up,
kick it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tear it up, rip it up,
kick it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tear it up,
rip it up, kick ♪

We're so lucky
that you're here.

[Peaches].
When you share,
you help carry the burden.

And to be honest with you,

this is one of the
best times of my life.

My creative output
is off the hook.

Finally, something
positive about menopause.

I like panthers.

Okay.

[upbeat rock music]

Mo, I had the most incredible
conversation with Peaches.

I'm gonna tell you all about it

over that hot cheese platter.

Kris, I can't.

No problem, how are
you with Thai fusion?

No, I mean us, I,
I can't do this.

My job is to keep office
romance above board

and what's the look if I'm in
one that's not above board?

If this continues,
I'd have to write myself up,

and possibly fire myself,
I guess.

Yeah, so you wanna keep
it like above board?

Yes, we can tell everybody.

I think they're gonna
be really happy for us.

No, I'm sorry, Kris.

[soft music]

Oh.

You know everything about me.

I know, I'm HR.

I mean like you know the
real me and you don't want me.

[light rock music]

♪

Mm, you should wear the
fireman hat more often, ah.

You told your entire
podcast audience

that you do not wanna
have sex with me?

What?

What are you talking about?

Got no libido and
when I do have sex,

it feels like razor blades
and I'm really worried...

What?

No, all the personal stuff
was supposed to be cut.

You talked about our
sex like with Peaches.

Pete, I-

Why wouldn't you tell
me that sex is painful?

I feel awful right now.

Well, it doesn't
hurt all the time.

How was last night?

It was fine.

Wow. Good.

I don't mean it like that.
I mean, it was more than fine.

It was great, actually.

I don't know if it was
the hat or the suspenders,

but it, everything worked like
it should, maybe I'm fixed.

I just don't understand

why you would keep
this from me, why?

Oh sh*t!

I told everyone at the firehouse
to listen to the podcast.

Pete, I have no
idea what happened.

I don't wanna talk right now,
not to you.

Pete! Ugh!

This is all your fault.

[light acoustic guitar music]

[Julie on podcast].
It's not like you're talking
to your kid about your stuff.

[Kris on podcast].
My stuff is different, okay?

It's scary, it's about bleeding
and passing out and doctors

and she's just a little kid.

I don't have anyone,

I don't have anyone
to talk to at home.

It just, she's...

I'm alone, Julie.

["Bloody Mother f*cking as*h*le"
by Martha Wainwright]

♪ Poetry is no place for
a heart that's a wh*re

♪ And I'm young
and I'm strong

♪ But I feel old and
tired, overfired

♪ And I've been
poked and stoked

♪ It's all smoke,
there's no more fire

♪ For you, whoever you are ♪

♪ For you, whoever you are ♪