02x02 - A Helmet and a T-Rex

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat quirky music]

[Kris].
Look baby, eat your cakepop.
Eat it.

Eat your cakepop!

Mom, it's 6:30 in the morning.
- Yeah?

I don't understand how
this is our special time?

Well, it's because I
work all the time,

you are always at your dad's.

So I just wanna spend
some time with you.

So this morning we're just
gonna do some double duty.

As you know, it's very hard to
get a doctor in Canada, yes?

Um, maybe it's because

you threatened to light your
last doctor's ba*ls on fire!

He absolutely deserved it.

And also, mommy joined
a Facebook group

called 'Doctor Sleuth'.

And it's this clinic,

they said they're
taking on new patients.

So here we are. Look at this.

Here's a little stool.

Pop a squat. Eat some cake.

It's a party. Mom's dancing.

Stop! Cakepops are for kids.

I'm fourteen. Love you.

I love you! [sighs]

Hi sir, I just, I've,
I gotta get to work.

Could you?

You know, just, it's
just my stool. Please.

Hi, I'm just gonna,

I gotta get to work,
so I'm, no, I just...

I'm just resting
here 'cause I'm tired,

but I'm not, I'm not gonna
stay in this lineup, okay?

Cute baby.

Ma'am, I'm just so sorry-
- No!

It's just that I'm pregnant

and I'm gonna have
a baby right here!

Tough titty.

Look, can you see the
umbilical cord hanging out?

Oh, hey, wait!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Rookie move. Watch this:

I'm dying!

Ha ha ha, very funny.

Oh listen, I'm so sorry,
but that's just my stool.

Ah, but I have frozen shoulder.

I have soaked through
my frigging diaper!

I had to reupholster the
driver's seat of my car!

Oh, have you seen that
scene in "The Shining?"

where the elevator doors open

and all that blood just
comes rushing out? [whooshes]

[in unison] That
was based on me!

Okay, you're kind of amazing.
My name is Kris.

My name's Anna.

Oh wait, what is happening?

Anna, what's happening?

It's all over ladies.
They only took five!

Read 'em and weep!

Oh, I guess I'll try
creatine and flax seeds...

or black market hormones.

Does that really work?

Anything works when
it's all you got.

[quirky upbeat music]

That was my stool.

[quirky music continues]
[loud whirring]

[Pete].
Oh, there it is.

Pineapple smoothie.

And the recipe requires you
to be standing on one foot?

The New York Times says
balance is the key

to healthy aging.

You should try it.

Well, I will after I
have my coffee with cream.

Okay, well listen, old man,

I got a test for you.

It's actually called
the "Old Man Test".

And this is gonna test your
overall body fitness, all right?

Alright.
- So what you do

is you're gonna
take off a shoe

and you're gonna bend
over and pick it up

and put it on without
falling over, okay?

Watch me nail It.
- [Pete] Yeah. Easy.

So bend over and
grab it, yeah.

You got it? Uh huh.

You've been practicing
all morning.

Yeah.
- Oh my gosh!

Oh my gosh!
- There we go.

I think you both
look so cringe.

Good morning!

Cringe is gonna keep us
outta the nursing home!

[Pete].
What's this?

[Julie].
Oh, this is my weighted vest.

Wow.
- Okay, watch this. See?

[Pete chuckling]

Right?

Oh, is this about
being on camera?

This is about
controlling menopause

through diet and exercise.

It's Health Week
this week at work,

so not only am I going
to win menopause,

probably gonna
win Health Week.

Oh, overachieve much?

Good luck, Bulletproof Barbie.

Thanks, Cautious Ken.

♪ I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪

[Jamila].
When I say health,
you say week!

Health!
- [in unison] Week!

Health!
- [in unison] Week!

Health!
- ♪ Week! ♪

Whatever.

How does this
thing work again?

You get a gold star for every
healthy activity you do.

Try new things, everyone!

Like get a weighted vest
like our girl, Julie,

which is worth three stars,
by the way.

I am already in the lead.

[Jamila].
And as always,

winner gets the title of
Healthiest Employee of the Year,

and wins the epic good chair.

[gasping]

That chair is mine.

[Larry].
What's the point?

Chelsey wins
every year.

I do.
- Larry, let her have one win.

I just mean to say that,

you know, you kind of failed
to get any of your ideas

approved for the new
season of your podcast.

No, yeah, we're totally
working on it.

Yeah?
- Aren't we?

Yeah. Yeah!

We're gonna rebrand,
revamping ideas.

We got a lot of stuff rolling
around the old hopper,

so like, don't worry,

we're doing lots
of m*rder stuff.

Not actually us
doing the murders,

but we're looking
into other people

who could potentially
be murderers.

Uh, this just in from HR, me.

Uh, we won't be doing
a weigh-in this year,

or measuring of
anyone's body parts.

What?
- What about BMI?

Hi everyone!
Sorry I'm late.

Guess where I was?

I was trying to
find a what?

Anybody?

A doctor.

What I need from you

is to follow up with
your doctors, okay?

And if you do that,
maybe just maybe

I'll give you five stars.

Jamila, please.
- No, uh.

Kris, that is
not how it works.

[Kris].
Sometimes she says no,
but inside she means yes.

Hi Larry. How are you?

And did you follow
up with yours?

Yeah.
- What did they say?

He died.
- Oh my God. Hi.

Did you make a call?

I don't see a doctor,
I see a witch.

Please don't speak again.

Hi! Hi Robyn.
How's it going?

Did you make a call?

I filled a form online.

I'm gonna continue to ask

because it is very,
very important.

Do you understand?

I just need to sit down for a
second and catch my breath.

[everyone clamouring]

No, your tush didn't
earn the cush!

You've ruined it.

Did you talk to your doctor?

Yes. Repeatedly.

She's not taking new patients.

Yeah, but did you ask nicely?

'Cause I know what you're like.

I asked nicely.
I asked sternly.

I asked passive aggressively.

I was asked not
to ask anymore.

Hmm.

[Evan].
Hi! Sorry, ladies,

Amanda is a little
tied up at the moment,

so she asked me to fill you
in on the exciting news.

Thrilling. [chuckles]

Someone wants to
partner with you.

Someone that Oprah and
Gwyneth couldn't even get.

Ladies, meet Glowee!

Hmm. What's this for?

What isn't it for?

You know, they're, they're
vitamin supplements.

They help with heavy bleeding.

Kris, I'm looking at you.
- Yep.

Cramps, flat feet,
sweating, anxiety.

Uh... flat feet?!

I have flat feet.

Look, this, look at this.

Check out these surfboards.
That's flat.

Oh.

Is this product placement?

Put those surfboards down.

No, it is not product placement.

It is an opportunity
to try a product

that could help manage
menopause symptoms.

And then, you know, you
talk about it on the show.

It's product placement.

No thank you.

Slow down there,
maple syrup.

There's a lot of women
out there with flat feet

and no doctor.

And I need you to
think about that.

Okay. Evan, this is
a larger conversation.

Kris can do whatever she wants,
but just so you know,

this is not us saying "yes"
to product replacement.

But in the meantime,

I will be sticking to diet
and exercise, making gains.

[Evan].
Of course.

And then when
you see Amanda,

you can tell her that.

I'll take two!
- Take two.

Oh, I think you're supposed
to take those with water.

Ooh, the next pack will do it.

I can feel my arches
being lifted right now.

[garbled] Hold up my,
look, can you see it?

Dry suck it.

[upbeat music]

Hey Jamila, check this out!

What do you want? A gold star?

'CAUSE YOU'RE GETTING ONE!

Yes!

I am winning Health Week.

Are you winning menopause, eh?

Can't really sleep,

but I'm hoping with all
this diet and exercise

I eventually exhaust myself.

Good luck with that.

Your shoe's undone.

Oh, thank you.
[bones cracking]

Oh my God! Ow!

Oh! Oh my back!

[Jamila].
Ohhhh no.

Ow, my back!

That sounded disturbing.

It felt disturbing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't you take that star away!

I need that star!

What you need to do is go to the
doctor and get that checked out.

You looking like a
broke down T-Rex.

I will go, but you
cannot tell Kris, okay?

I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.

I got you, girl.

Okay, I'm gonna move.
- Okay.

That's right. No worries.

[Julie groaning]

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

That star gotta go.

Hi, baby boobie, it's Mom.

It is absolutely okay.

I'm just calling to apologize,

to say I'm sorry
about the cakepop.

I am going to do better.

I'm also giving you a
little update on Mama:

Now, uh, the bleeding
is under control,

so, so sorry, sweetie.
I've got to go, just wait.

Oh, Uncle Evan, say hi.
Say hi.

Hey. Hiiii, Saf-

He said hi. Love you. Bye bye.
Bye. Love you so much. Bye.

I just got off the
phone with Amanda,

and she's very
excited to hear

about what you
think about Glowee.

And she just wants to make
sure that you are here, right,



Why don't we show her
this show? Like Chloe.

Oh, Chloe. Oh, it's a good idea.

Could put that on our socials.

[Kris gulping]

Okay, I'm ready. I'm rolling.

I drank it all.

Oh, amazing!

Yay!
- Yay!

Oh my gosh, Evan.

Yeah, I'm ready,
I'm, I'm ready...

I'm ready to sh**t some intros.
I'm ready to go.

Where's Julie?

You know what?
I actually thought you and I

could just, um, do something.

Hey! Mo, where's Julie?

Photocopier's broken.

What?! Robyn. Robyn.

Where's Julie? You see Julie?

She's, uh, she's a [stammers]
she's a potato chip.

She's a potato chip?

Potato conference.

She's just a little potato,
that's what I like to call her.

Hey guys, has
anybody seen Julie?

Looking for Julie.

Hey, yeah, is she back from
her doctor's appointment yet?

[everyone groaning]

[Kris].
What did you just say?

Dude, seriously?

You gotta remember, man,

we talked about this
two seconds ago.

[upbeat music]

Everyone might as
well drop out now.

Oh, I gave up after I
watched you do wind sprints

in the parking lot.

Oh yeah? I like imagining
that I'm back on the track team

trying to beat my own
personal best time.

I don't drink, I don't smoke,

I don't do drugs.

I'm in bed by 9:30.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe that's why Amanda thinks
your podcast isn't connecting.

You're too squeaky clean
for a true crime audience.

And you're in bed by 9:30.

All good murders
happen after 9:30.

Well, 9:45 sometimes!

[softly] If I'm feeling crazy.

Okay, you can zip up.

So how did you
hurt your back?

Sports injury.

And, and the vest?

I'm trying to manage
my menopause symptoms

with diet and exercise.

Well, how is that
working out for you?

Great. You know,

aside from a few [grunts]
tiny night sweats,

it's no big deal.

Well, I think
it's a bad strain,

but, um, how many times a
night are you waking up?

I haven't really counted.

I don't know, five,
six times maybe?

Okay. And mood swings?

I did swim out of
Aqua Fit class in a huff.

Okay. And is there
any other symptoms?

Sex is kind of...

Okay, wait a second.

Are you writing me a
prescription for HRT?

Yes, it is the gold standard.

Oh, I know,
I've read the studies.

You know, I, uh, I actually,

I do a podcast on menopause.

I'm not sure if
you've heard it?

Nope. I went to school
for twenty years.

I am done learning.

I think I'm managing very well.

I am not there yet.

And besides,

I'm a bit leery of putting
more hormones in my body.

Remember the IVF?

The crazy mood swings?
The bloating?

I also remember that you
wanted a natural childbirth,

how'd that work out?

I screamed for pain meds.

If you change your mind.

I don't think I'm,
I'm there yet.

Well, you might.

I doubt it.

Okay well, take it anyway.

And here is something for
your pain and your back.

Thank you.

[Dr. McDonald].
You're welcome.

I take them.

Give them a shot, okay?

Yeah, of course.

[gasps] Oh my God!

Oh, hello Julie.

What are you doing here?

Obviously you came
to see your doctor

so they could be my
doctor too, correct?

Incorrect.

[Kris].
Hi. Hello, Julie's doctor.

It is an honour to meet you.

My name is Kris.

I'm previously
Julie's best friend

before she betrayed
me and humiliated me

in front of the
whole workplace.

What?

[Kris].
And I'm gonna be an
excellent patient.

I am in excellent health.

I am fully hydrated

so I can give you a
urine sample on demand.

Aren't you lucky? You slide
that mug over right here.

I'm gonna lift a leg.
I'm gonna do it.

Yay! Assuming you're
taking patients!

No, I'm not.

That's a shame.
- She's not normally like this.

Okay.

I think you're supposed to-

Oh, miss-
- Yeah?

[Dr. McDonald].
Taken in excess

the side effects of those
supplements can cause paranoia.

Have you been
snorting them maybe?

Oh, thanks for the
top tip, Julie.

Oh God.

Oh, there we go.
- [Dr] No, no, no, no, no.

You can't, you can't
snort that here, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry,
are you my doctor now?

Uh, Doctor, would you mind
just giving us a second?

It's terrible for your teeth.

What the hell was that?
That was actually insane.

Well I will tell you
what is insane, Julie,

gettin' the whole
office to keep a secret

behind your best
friend's back!

Et tu, Brute? Ah!

Hold this. It is a dagger
and you stab me 23 times.

[groans] I'm bleeding out!

[groans] I'm Caesar.

How exactly did I betray you?

Did you really ask me that?

I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna tell you.

What you think I was
gonna do, Julie?

You think I was gonna
come to the hospital,

run around, find ya and
ask for your doctor?

You think I was
gonna do that?

That is exactly
what you did do.

You are insanely
hyper right now.

Those packets must
be full of sugar.

You wanna know what these
packets are full of, Julie?

They are full of energy.

They are full of facts.

And they are full
of friendship.

Let me tell you
something, Julie.

I don't feel sad at all.

I feel great!

'Cause who is not sleeping and
cryin' in the bathtub tonight?

This lemon tart right here.

[in dramatic voice]
Goodbye, Julie!

Goodbye forever!

Whatever, Kris.

I'll see ya back
at the office.

[in dramatic voice]
If you're lucky!

[Julie scoffing]

[Evan on phone].
Hey Amanda!

I just wanted to call,

let you know Kris is
testing out the Glowee.

Audience engagement is way up.

And I think this next
episode is gonna be a k*ller!

[Amanda on phone].
Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thank you.

Hey, um, have you
taken a moment

to just reconsider
giving me my old job?

Hello? Hello?
[phone beeping]

She hung up.

[sniffs] Do I smell donuts?!

Nope. Just the flavour
of my good old vape. Yep.

I'm evolving.

Guess who's going to
bed at 10:30 tonight.

Vaping looks good on you.

Thank you.

Chelsey, vaping in the
office is forbidden.

Hand it over, please.

This will be noted and
marked and recorded.

What's more relatable than
getting reprimanded by HR,

am I right?

Look healthy!
Jamila's back from lunch!

sh**t.

This is so good.

It's so tasty.

It's like I'm a rabbit.

You're all weak!

Gold star for Chelsey!

But I'm vaping!

Oh, honey. No you're not.

So cute though.

This is just...
You know what?

I only cared about
Health Week to be a team player.

But I'm starting to think that
this team doesn't like MVPs.

Okay? So maybe I should
just make like Kawhi,

take my ball and
dribble on home.

Who's Kawhi? Is she new here?

[Evan].
Oh, Kris!

Hey, how are the
supplements going?

[quirky playful music]

[Robyn].
Oh, that's a choice.

I think your ratios are off.

[Robyn].
Oh, I didn't like that.

[loud slurping]

[quirky music continues]

[Jamila].
Oh, Julie, there you are.

Oh and by the way,

Larry let the cat
out of the bag.

[Julie].
Don't worry about it, Jamila.

Hey, did you ever try HRT?

No.

Oh, how come?

Well, I didn't even know
that that was an option.

No one in my family spoke about
menopause or anything like it,

so there's no way I
was gonna bring it up

or even ask for support.

If it had been an option,
would you have tried it?

I would've taken anything to
quench that burning inferno,

but I thought I was supposed
to just suffer in silence

so I did.

[quirky suspenseful music]

Uh oh!

[suspenseful music continues]

[urine gushing]

Oh sweet Lord.

[Julie].
Oh, okay.

Okay. Oh come, get off!

Oh, can't get these off!

Hello Julie.

Okay, please don't
yell at me again.

I am not having a great day.

Tell me about it.

Do you wanna stop
peeing first?

[urine trickling]

Okay, go ahead.

My doctor prescribed HRT

and I'm not sure
I wanna take it.

[urine trickling]

But isn't HRT the, the cure?

I don't want the cure.

I wanna be one of those women

who just skates through
menopause with no symptoms.

And if I take HRT,

it means that I'm
not in control.

And also, IVF was so hard on
me and it's more hormones and I,

I just don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry you're
going through such a hard time.

Are you okay?

Yep, I'm good.

I mean, my pee is glowing

so that's probably
a really good sign.

I'm like a hundred percent.

Are you okay?

Not really. Nope.

Hearing you pee is, uh,

it's kinda making me
have to pee even more

and I cannot get these
stupid pants off!

I'm helping ya.
- No!

[Kris] No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, I don't need help.

I pulled up my diaper,
it's fine.

[Julie] I'm not, I'm not...
- [Kris] I'm coming in!

[Julie] The door is locked.
- [Kris] I'm comin' in.

[Julie] The door is locked.
- [Kris] Here I am!

Oh my God!
You came that way.

I need your help.
Gimme your hand.

No I don't!
- Gimme your hand.

Ow ow ow!

[Kris].
Okay, almost there!

These are so tight.
What are you wearing?

Oh, it's like a
wet bathing suit.

Ow! Oh my!

[both grunting]

My back! My back! Ah!

Kris?

[quirky playful music]

Kris?

Kris!

[quirky playful music]

[phone ringing]

Hello? Um...
- Hello, 9-1-1.

What's the nature
of your emergency?

My friend is on packets?

[soft music]

Oh my gosh. Anna?

Hey!
- Hi!

No, no I can't.

I'm pretending I
have chest pain.

Why?

It's the fast track
to seeing a doctor.

What are you faking
to get in here?

I drank too much
menopause water,

and then I poisoned myself.

Listen, you have to see a doctor
if you end up in emergency.

Are you kidding me?

Holy sh*t!

Oh my God!

We did it!
- [quietly] We did it.

We did it.

Okay, Ms. Fine.

Your toxicology report
came back clear

except for an unusually
high level of B12,

which your body will
flush out naturally

because you poisoned
yourself with vitamin water?

Actually it was Glowee
Menopause Supplement water.

It was, it was for work.

We can't fix menopause
with vitamins.

No, I know that.

It's just that I've been in
a lot of pain and bleeding

for two years.

Lemme tell you something,
Niagara Falls ain't got nothing

compared to what's going
on down here. [whooshes]

If you were in a canoe,
flip ya right over.

So you drank a lake's worth
of water to stop the bleeding?

No, not for that.

I just like,
also I have flat feet.

That's unrelated.

You know that feeling when
you're like really overwhelmed?

Uh, it's like, it actually
feels like you're drowning,

but then you think about it
and you go, oh my God,

I really wish I was,
I wish I was drowning.

Okay, picture this.

You are at, you
have a daughter,

and you're, you know you're,
you're a good mom

and you're just at her
laser tag birthday party

and you're just there and you,

and then you have
a lot of feelings.

So basically I feel
like some people,

probably not me,

but something I heard
about it, like an anxiety,

you have a panic attack.

Okay.

[doctor sighing]

Kris, do you have a therapist?

It's just kind of pricey.

Gotta pew-pew-pew big bucks.

That's me slapping
down the dollars.

You can get a free therapist
through the healthcare system,

but the thing about
that is there's a-

It's a bit of a wait?
- It's a bit of a wait.

Panic attacks are
psychosomatic,

so we usually try
meditation or therapy

'cause if you're here for pills,
I, I'm not a dispensary.

Oh, that's not why I'm here.

Oh my gosh, is that
a pill over there?

[blows strawberry] Give it-
Yeah, I'm giving it the finger.

I'm the pill.

I fingered myself so I
don't hate, I hate it.

I think you've got
the wrong idea.

You don't like pills. Got it.

What I can do for you is
look into the heavy bleeding,

'cause I am worried
about that.

So what I'd like to
do is run a new lab.

We're gonna get ultrasound.

We're gonna get mammogram.

We're gonna do-
- Wait, wait.

Are you saying that
you are my doctor?

I will take you on,

mostly 'cause I don't
leave here as it is. So-

Can we?
- No, we can't do that.

'Cause the last
patient that hugged me

gave me hand,
foot and mouth.

Okay, look, I'm gonna hug myself
and pretend you're in here.

Holding tight.

I'm holding you so, so tight.

[Pete].
Your tea.

Oh, thank you.

You were right about
the weighted vest.

Please don't say,
"I told you so."

You always overdo it.

But FYI,

I did win Health Week.

I mean mostly because
Jamila felt sorry for me,

but still I'm taking the W.

Congratulations.

[Julie groaning]

Sorry. Your doctor give you
anything for your back?

Yeah, and, um, she
suggested maybe I try HRT?

That's great!

Is it?

It's not great.

I mean, am I there yet?

Do I really need it?

[Pete stammering]

I heard you hurt your back.

I'm making this thing
in the microwave

with like a hotdog bun
and shredded cheese.

Do you want it?

I am trying to
manage my symptoms.

You know what, actually that
sounds really, really good.

I'll have one. Thank you.

Hey, some pretty great
things have come out of

taking hormones.

Ow! f*ck!

Oh no, no, that
was on the floor.

Here. [chuckles]

It can't be that hot.

Oh f*ck! It is hot. Ow!

Geez. Hold that.
- Oh f*ck!

[Pete] Yeah.
- Ow! Oh my God!

[Pete] Ah, sh*t.
- Oh!

♪ The kid is hot tonight

♪ Whoa, so hot tonight

♪ But where will
he be tomorrow?

♪ The kid is hot tonight

♪ Whoa, so hot tonight

♪ But where will he be?

♪ Where will he be?

♪ The kid is hot tonight ♪