01x06 - Zen

[bunniefuu]

That's not a travel,
you half-empty beanbag!

Ben, knock it off. That was a travel!

And don't talk about my weight!

I know I'm too skinny. I'm dealing
with some personal sh*t right now.

Your wife left you. I get it, Jeremy.

Beatrice is a chubby chaser.

The whole f*cking town knows it.

And you f*cked it up
by losing all that weight.

You think she liked you
for your f*cking personality? Nope!

You're a f*cking bore!

She liked you for those big, fat t*tties.
[laughs[

You are out of here!

Good! f*ck this sh*t show,
you bony piece of sh*t.

This is a joke!

[country music playing softly]

And knock it off, you freak.

What are you? You're a f*cking human
dressed up as a f*cking human.

Pick an animal!

Oh, I'll give you something to cry about.

-[grunts]
-[audience gasps]

[thudding]

[screams]

[thudding and yelling]

[thudding and grunting continues]

[thudding]

[grunting]

Argh!

Oh, sh*t.

Man, who knew this gym
was on the fourth floor?

That is not good.

[theme music playing]

[whistle blows]

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my sh*t ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ 'Bout to lose my sh*t, yeah ♪

[tires screech]

-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]

♪ Hoops! ♪

♪ Hoops! ♪

♪ Hoops! ♪

Neil, I like you, I really do.

I just don't like you like you.

So what are you saying?
Are you breaking up with me?

I'm asking because I've literally
never heard those words before.

No, I'm not really breaking up with you.

I'm just saying
that I don't think we should be dating.

OK, yeah,
I guess I'm breaking up with you.

I can't find a vein!

That's because it's a costume arm, Gene!

Don't take it the wrong way.

You're a good guy,
and I've enjoyed our five days together,

but when I lose my g*y virginity,
I want it to be with the right person.

"g*y virginity"? You are g*y.

Don't you just mean "virginity," Scott?

No, I'm not a straight virgin.

Back when I was in denial,
I slept with 15 women.

Fifteen?

And, like, put it in their hole?

Just be honest. Is it my arms?

Because today was leg day,
so I didn't get a chance to work on 'em.

I can get a better pump tomorrow
if that's--

No, it has nothing to do with your looks.
I just don't feel that way about you.

OK, you know what? It's totally cool.
You're just not into me. No big deal.

Neil, thanks for being so cool about this.

Of course.

[Ben laughing]

Opal, you can't be mad at me.

I didn't even touch him.

You mean her.

What? That was a woman dressed
like a man cowboy?

In what world?

Yeah, it's not good.

I'm worried, Ben.

c*ck is up my a*s right now.

Yuck. "c*ck is up your a*s"?
What does that have to do with anything?

No, not that c*ck, you idiot.

COCC.

The Coalition of Costumed Characters.

The Mascots' Union.

Oh, that makes more sense.

You just saying, "c*ck is up my a*s"

was really out of character
and also kind of made me wanna puke.

Ben, you've messed with a lot of mascots
in your day, and they're sick of it.

They're mascots, Opal.

The whole point is
that they don't have feelings.

They're not real people.

The COCC is threatening
to boycott our games,

and with no mascots,
there's no basketball.

-That's true.
-It's a powerful union, Ben.

They're demanding
you go to anger management,

or you can't coach against Ladue
on Saturday.

I've been to every
anger management class in this town,

and those stupid m*therf*ckers
couldn't anger manage me for sh*t.

Look, Ben, there's only one counselor left
that the school board has approved.

I'm gonna warn you, though.
He's unconventional.

I've been to him myself,
and he changed my life.

I've made you an appointment.

4:30 today, behind the combination
Arby's Long John Silver's.

Fine, I'll go. But only because it's
behind that tasty Long J'Arby's.

Opal, you ever dipped a Long John's
chicken plank in Arby's sauce?

You'll f*cking sh*t yourself,
but in a good way.

f*cking talking to me
like I don't go to that Long J'Arby's

every f*cking Saturday.

[Ben] Mm-mm!

What a delicious combo.

I've got a hardy for the J'Arby's.

[sign buzzing]

[man] You may enter.

[relaxing music]

Whoa! Look at you!

Are you sucking your own d*ck?

[chuckling] No! But I could.

I respect that.

Thank you. I'm Dawa.

Don't view me
as an anger management counselor.

I'm more of a spiritual guide.

OK. Well, then you should know

that the only reason
I came to anger management

is 'cause you got
that Long J'Arby's next door.

The chicken planks with the--

Arby's sauce. Yeah, I know. [chuckles]

Incredible combo, but be careful.

It's delicious going in
but fire coming out.

Right now, you're Ben Hopkins,

but when we're through, you're gonna be...

[together] Zen Hopkins.

I knew you'd say that. You telegraphed it.

I did. So let's get started.

Benjamin, by the time I'm done with you,
there won't be an angry bone in your body.

But I was voted
"Angriest Coach of the Year" last year.

It's literally all I have.

We will begin now,

starting with an hour
of unbroken eye contact.

I don't like this!

Eye contact is for three seconds
during sex only.

Can you just do me a favor
and sign the paper?

I gotta get this signed, or I can't coach
against Ladue on Saturday.

And they suck more than we do.

They got, like, ten little fat guys
that are worse than DJ.

I'm not signing that, Ben.

In Zen teachings, there are no shortcuts.

There's always a shortcut.
I'm outta here! f*ck this!

Excuse me, but I'm gonna
have to use the restroom.

I got a fire coming out, like, now.

[bell ringing]

Hey, uh, Scott, how'd the breakup go?
I'm sure dumping Neil can't be easy.

They don't call him and his friends
the "g*y Mafia" for nothin'.

Those guys are so mean.

He was actually pretty cool about it.

Oh, that's great to hear.

[sinister music playing]

[laughing]

Hey, Scott!

That's a lot
of fake vaginas in your locker.

That makes sense
because you're not really g*y.

What? That's not why I broke up with you.
I'm g*y as sh*t!

Sure, a g*y guy
playing on this shitty basketball team,

hanging out with all these jock losers?

You slept with 15 girls,

and you turned down this!

That's right. Not a leg day today.

Your arm is so swole, Neil.

[Matty] h* h* h*.

What is wrong with you guys?

It's simple. He doesn't like you.

And by the way, there is nothing wrong
with being straight.

Being straight is basic.

Scott's just pretending to be g*y
'cause it's cool.

[sniffs]

You eat beaver, you beaver eater.

Neil's just not my type, dude.

I'm everybody's type!

Whoa! Whoa! You need to chill.
I'm just not into you.

That's impossible, you titty lover.

Let's fight. I'mma beat your a*s
this afternoon behind my d*ck's.

Behind your dicks?

Behind the d*ck's Sporting Goods
that I work at.

What'd you think, my actual d*ck?

Behind my actual d*ck is my as*h*le.

You can't fight on my as*h*le,
you p*ssy lover.

Ugh! These are disgusting.

I'll just take these and throw 'em away,

into my room, onto my p*nis.

I just wanna say that Lenwood High School
has been and always will be...

Oh, God.

A proud supporter of costumed characters.

I also wanna let you know

that Coach Hopkins
takes this matter very seriously

and is attending anger management classes
as we speak.

Excuse me.

Ben! What are you doin' here?

I tried the anger management, OK?
It didn't work.

That guy is a f*cking fraud.

[scoffs] You're going back to Dawa,

and I'm takin' you my damn self
because you can't be trusted.

Oh, you're just doing it for the planks.

Stop it, Ben.
f*cking turn around, and let's go.

I'm taking your a*s back.

[relaxing music]

Ooh, baby!

Dawa, you guidin' me
to a whole new reality.

Wow! I think it's working for me too.

Just like that, I'm meditating.
I'm at peace.

I'm really meditating.

Benjamin, come on.
That was, like, one second.

You have to free your mind like Opal.

Good, Benjamin.

Good.

Oh, now tell the Dawa,
what are you thinking about?

It's personal.

There are no wrong thoughts.

[sighs] I'm thinking about...

well, one of my favorite movies, OK?

It's about a boy, but he's kind of a man.

He's super little.

His name's Tate.

-We talking Little Man Tate?
-You bet your a*s I am.

I always wanted to help Tate figure out
how to be a big man.

Oh, that's what made me
wanna get into self-help.

Hold on! Hold on!

You're telling me
you're into Little Man Tate

and you could suck your own d*ck? Ha!

-You might be all right after all, Dawa!
-Thank you.

But now we have to clear our mind
and say goodbye to Little Man Tate,

just like the end of the movie.

Is that how it ends?

Uh, I think so.

Ninety percent.

I never finished it.

No one has.

Ben, I need you to trust me.

-[humming]
-[relaxing music]

[Dawa whispering] Relax.

Look, these guys are not gonna fight
like we fight, OK?

My guess is it's gonna be
a lot like West Side Story:

a lot of singing, a lot of dancing.

So let's go.

[van doors close]

[dramatic rock music playing]

[grunts]

[uplifting chord]

So that's what a man's body's
supposed to look like.

Weird!

Their t*tties are so small and flat.

We fightin' or what, you flabby f*ck?

[soft jazz music playing]

[grunts]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

[moans]

Let's turn this into a leg day, boys!

[all grunting]

Scatter! Scatter!

These guys aren't dancing.
They're real fighters!

[Neil laughing]

See you soon, straighties!

Don't waste your time
eatin' all that p*ssy!

[relaxing music playing]

[snores]

[sighs]

[Opal] Hmm-mmm!

Dawa!

Dawa!

Where the hell are ya?

Whoa! Whoa! What are you doin'?
You sucking on frog piss?

I'm not sucking on frog piss.

It's a tree frog, and when it gets scared,

-it secretes a poison called kambo...
-[frog ribbits]

...which has a psychotropic effect
that heals us of negative energy

and purifies our mind and spirit.

It's like an expressway to zen,
my brother.

-I wanna do it. Gimme!
-Uh-uh-uh.

Hold on there, OK?

I know you wanna get back to coaching,

but the frog is only for those who have
reached a certain level of enlightenment.

One hit of this
and you can lose your mind.

Trust me, Dawa, I'm ready.

I'm a f*cking Deadhead.

I've been to three John Mayer concerts.
I know how to get weird.

Uh... That is not the same.

Uh, John Mayer and the Grateful Dead
are two separate entities.

Oh, no! John Mayer is the Dead, baby!

Well, now,
I'm afraid that your mind is the dead

because that's not the way it is.

The Grateful Dead was formed
in San Francisco in the late '60s--

[Ben] Boring!

John Mayer is the f*cking Dead.

My body's a f*cking wonderland!

No, John Mayer is a... pop...

a pop singer.

He's a fantastic guitarist, and he is...

he is great in his own way.

But the Grateful Dead
is a different thing, and they do...

they have joined forces now.
It's a... It's a thing.

It's been a lucrative, uh, touring vessel
for all of them,

and everybody's working out well.

Everybody's making
quite a bit of money from that.

But... But when you creatively are talking
about meshing the two,

-that's just where I draw the line.
-Give me the f*cking frog!

-Get scared!
-[frog squeals]

Linda, hold my calls.

[uplifting music playing]

[laughing]

Yes!

Finally! I got my infinity pool.

It goes on forever!

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Lenwood.

I just passed a resolution

where everyone in town
has to suck your d*ck.

All my dicks?

All your dicks.

[dramatic music playing]

Help! I'm surrounded by c*ck!

Hey, hey! Don't you hurt that woman.

I love her!

Oh, Shannon. Thank God!

This place is so f*cking weird.

-Where am I?
-[Shannon] Ssh!

What do I know?

I'm just a frog. [ribbit]

What the f*ck?

You drank my piss.

Wow!

[grunts]

[Western music playing]

Oh, no!

I always wanted to 69 myself.

This was my only chance, and I ruined it!

[man] You did it.

You k*lled your own ego.

Oh, sh*t.

It's you!

Little Man Tate.

Can I ask you one question?

Of course. Ask me anything.

I know the answers
to all questions in the universe.

Sweet. I've only got one.

What was Jodie Foster like as a director?

Well, we were over budget,
and she was really stressed out.

But by the end of it,
we were all like a family.

Uh, I'll give you one more question.

OK. Uh, do you guys still keep in touch?

[sighs] Yes, we email,
but she's really busy.

-Wow!
-Now, I'm just gonna go ahead

and tell you what you need to know.
The reason you're here.

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Tell me.

You need to chill out, Ben.

Is that it?

[Dawa] Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t!

Is that Little Man Tate?

[laughing]

Wha-wha-what? What's so funny?

-I don't get it.
-[laughing] Dawa... Dawa...

You got f*ck' chicken planks for legs.

-Your legs are f*cking chicken planks.
-What?

[Dawa laughing] No!

[Ben laughing]

[both laughing]

Oh, holy sh*t!

Look at that!

[laughing]

Uh-oh!

You're about to throw up.

What?

[raccoon chitters]

Oh, I'm proud of you, Ben.

You made it through. How do you feel?

That frog piss did the job.

Well, congrats, Mr. Zen Hopkins.

You've passed.

You're officially through
the anger management training.

You're reborn.

Wow! I did it.

Full f*cking zen.

[disco music playing]

[whooping, laughing]

-[party horn toots]
-Whoo!

[Ron laughing] I love it!

Who wants to do a shot?

[laughing] Great party, Shannon!

Oh, God.

No!

What is it?

[Shannon] It's Ben!

But you invited Ben, right?

No! It's your birthday.

Not invitin' Ben was the present.

-[door opens]
-[Ben] Oh!

Hey, everybody.

Uh... hey!

[chuckles]

So what's going on, friends?
You guys having some sort of a gathering?

Yeah, it's kind of Ron's birthday party.

We meant to invite you, but we forgot.

I'm sorry, Ben.

Oh, please! It happens, Shannon.
No biggie.

And if you wanted
to have a party without me,

well, I'd completely understand.

You'd understand?

Wait. Now I don't understand.

Anyway, I just came by because I wanted
to tell my father that I love him.

And not only am I sorry
for all my negative thoughts towards him

but also, and perhaps more importantly,

I forgive him.

And now that I think about it,

that applies to all of you as well.

I love you all.

But, Shannon, I love you the most.

I'm not lending you any money.

[laughing] Good one!

You've done enough for me, dear.

I'll just get out of here
and let you guys enjoy your party.

I gotta prepare for practice anyway.

But, my dear friend Ron,
another trip around the sun.

Congrats on that, old pal.

Have a blessed day.

Thank you?

Hey, Connie. Work or pleasure?

Either way,
I hope you guys all have a blast.

[door opens, closes]

Who the f*ck was that?

Gather around, team.

I wanted to introduce you
to your new coach.

-Finally.
-No! Very funny, DJ.

I'm still your coach.
I'm just a different person.

You see, I've been enlightened.

Usually, I woulda yelled at you
and called you a fat f*ck,

but I don't do that stuff anymore.

[Matty] Uh, Coach...

Um, Scott needs your help.

Can we talk privately?

Coach, Neil and his g*y Mafia
keep bullyin' Scott.

We tried everything.
We talked to 'em. We listened to 'em.

And then they kicked our asses
behind Neil's d*ck's.

Please!

I need you to go full-coach on these guys.

"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

leaves the whole world blind
and toothless."

And that's a pretty badass
f*cking quote right there.

-[door opens]
-[Neil] There he is.

-[boys laughing]
-There's the beaver eater!

Straighty!

Oh, what's the matter?

p*ssy got your tongue?

[exhales deeply]

Oh, I see what's happening.
I'll handle this for you.

Hello, gentlemen.

[humming] Ommmm.

[boys laughing]

I'll see you at the game,
you titty licker. [laughs]

[Opal] I've got great news.

Coach has completed his course,

and I've got the certificate right here
to prove it.

It's true.
A man who was once as angry as a bulldog

is now as calm and zen as a...

um...

I don't know.

General, I guess?

Uh, light on options.

[moose] OK, so you got it signed.

I guess that means
you're allowed to coach,

but we all know
there's no way you actually changed.

You'll slip up, and when you do,

COCC will be right up your a*s again!

Hey, if I do slip up,

that's exactly where I want COCC to be.

[uplifting music playing]

-Boo!
-[frog squeals]

[boys chanting] vag*na eater!
vag*na eater!

V eater! V eater!

Fake g*y!

Fake g*y!

-[crowd gasps]
-[whistle blows]

-[boy] Knock knock!
-[Neil] Who's there?

Probably a p*ssy in Scott's mouth.

[boys laughing]

That's the only ball you'll be dribbling.

Don't worry about them.
Just sh**t the ball, Scott.

Hey, Scott. Do you ever wear pink,
or do you just put your d*ck inside of it?

-[boy 1] Beans!
-Pork and grinder!

[distorted] Titty lover!

[boys] vag*na eater!

Hey, Ben.

Someone has a message for you.

Let her rip, Coach. Protect your players.

[tense chord plays]

You leave Scott alone, you degenerates!

Just because he likes playing basketball

doesn't make him any less g*y.

He can do whatever he wants and be g*y.
You hear me?

As long as the kid likes naked men's
bodies and wants to have sex with them,

then he's f*cking g*y!

And Shannon,

f*ck you for not inviting me
to Ron's f*cking party.

I'm the life of the party in this town,
and everybody knows it!

It was so stupid of me!

I'm sorry!

The party was kind of boring
without you, Ben.

Nobody did anything crazy.

Thank you for admitting that.
It does make me feel a little bit better.

-And you, Dawa!
-[frog ribbits]

Stop trying to f*cking change people.

Sure, I'm angry.

But it's who I am,

and if people don't like it,
then they can shove it up their asses.

With that said, I find it very impressive
you can suck your own d*ck.

Thank you, Ben.

And last but not least,

if anybody f*ck with my players
one more time,

I'll bury you in the f*cking ground.
You hear me?

Scott, my friend,
sorry I didn't defend you sooner.

That's on me.

I thought I was being enlightened,
but the truth is, I was being an as*h*le.

We're good, Coach.

We're not clapping for that.

Don't worry, frog. I'm leaving.

[frog] Coach,
I know this is hard to believe,

but we mascots aren't
the most popular kids in school.

So any person who sticks up
against a bully is all right with us.

OK! Buddy, what I wouldn't give
to scare ya and suck your piss.

I'm f*cking back! [grunts]

♪ And here I go again on my own ♪

-[music stops]
-[all grunt]

♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪

♪ And that is where I'll die ♪

♪ I hope it's soon ♪

♪ 'Cause I presume ♪

♪ It's all a waste of time ♪