01x02 - Dry-Spell

[bunniefuu]

Craig, just rip it off.

Over my dead body, it's Blue

Harbour.

Please just rip it off.

Thank you.

Have you been eating Frazzles?

Don't you like it?

I'm more of a cheesy Quaver guy.

Please stop talking

and just put your di Mum!

See what happens when we waste time?

OK. Come on, sausage.

♫ Give me strength, give me love

♫ Give me good times, baby

♫ Oh, yeah. All right, all right,

all right. ♫

Craig. Craig.

Craig. Mm. Craig.

I've been gone five seconds, have

you got narcolepsy?

I'm sorry, baby. Do you want to use

my hands instead?

OK.

Mm.

Oh, for keep it.

What the

Whoa. f*ck. f*ck!

Stop it. sh*t!

What's going on? What's going on?

I needed a wash, Craig.

I needed a really good wash.

♫ Give me strength, give me love. ♫

Ta.

Are they from Adil? Yeah.

He texted about tonight. It's going

to be like old times now he's back.

It's been five years. What are these

about?

What's it say? "Looking forward to

dinner tonight.

"PS, you should see what I'm driving

these days."

Forget about the car. Dinner!

Our nights out with you two were

epic.

No-one orders for the table like

Adil.

Do you think he wants to rekindle

things? Support's out of session.

Mm-hm. And can you confirm or deny an

interest in your reunion?

Out of my friends with benefits, he

was in the top five. Top five.

Anyway, what you up to? Just chucking

out my knickers with cartoon characters on.

Morning.

Bloody hell.

Hey, hey. I'm Toni, nice to meet

you. Solid arms.

He's currently number one. I can see

why.

Oh, come on!

You and I lead very different lives,

Rana.

SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

Right.

We on for town later? Go on, then.

Tuesday? Parents evening.

Craig, you're a teaching assistant,

do they care what you think?

No, I'm just there as muscle in case

the parents kick off.

Right, Wednesday then? Band meeting.

I'm got to confront Graham about his

indulgent solos.

They're doing my head in.

Tonight's free? No, we're going out

with Adil tonight.

Afterwards when you have five

minutes? Five minutes. Craig.

You know how to turn me on.

It's not sexy though, is it?

Scheduling it like this.

We're taking charge of the

situation, which is sexy.

Which is why I'm going to ring the

plumber about the shower. Don't do that.

That'll cost loads. I'll fix it. How

hard can it be? How hard.

Just strap another sponge to it, job

done.

Yeah. Sorted.

I need something to get Craig going.

To keep him awake.

Nicely priced and flimsy. Good for

ripping off.

Yeah, these are what you want.

You've got to reinvent yourself when

you've had a kid.

Me and Dane didn't have any for

15-and-a-half days when Jake was born.

Sorry, you had sex '5 days after

you gave birth? Yeah.

Christ alive. I'd be humping

furniture after two weeks without.

I tell you what your brother likes.

Don't tell us what Dane likes, Paula.

I bought a pink wig. I make out I'm

a stripper, she's called Marcella.

Just getting that wig out the bin

bag drives him wild.

Oh. Actually, no, rustling any bin

bag does it to him now.

He's like one of those dogs with a

bell.

Roleplay, Tone. you've got to keep

things spicy.

Ooh, roleplay though. I could use my

acting skills.

Sure, yeah. You could use those

skills.

No return on this. You and I both

know where that gusset's going.

Mam, can I buy this? No.

They're for slags with no self

respect.

I hate you. Oh good. I thrive off

your hate.

Auntie Toni's buying one, why can't

I?

Because she told you so.

Now put it back.

Bloody hell.

That was magic.

The kindest hand is a firm hand,

petal.

Remember, you're the boss.

Yeah. I'm the boss.

What was that again? Because I told

you so.

THEY COPY HER

Because I told you so.

Won't be much longer, nan.

Did Rana tell you that Adil's back?

Oh, I'm across that, love. He sent

me a very courteous WhatsApp

this very morning inviting me to the

get together tonight.

Can I come too? No, you're

baby-sitting Grace and Jake.

Adil's been viewing houses, very

large houses with walk-in closet.

How do you know that? Oh, contacts,

love.

He were in Leeds on Wednesday in a

jewellers.

You've got contacts in Leeds? Oh,

I'm global, Paula.

I think he's going to pop the question,

innit? No, Rana's not the committing type.

She might be the marrying a

millionaire type though.

Guess we'll find out at the meal.

If Rana marries Adz, can I get a

Rihanna bra and knickers?

No, you bloody can't. Why not?

Because I said so.

OK, mam. Seeing as you said so.

You look sensational. You look

loaded.

Come here.

Adz! Oi, oi! Look who's in the

building.

Really suits you, mate. Hello, hiya,

you all right?

Dubai's got nothing on you. Lovely

to see you.

You smell amazing. We're going to be

noisy and messy, I'm afraid.

But, we'll tip accordingly.

Right, I'm taking me bra off, make

some room.

It's going to be a big night, you

beauties.

Get it off!

I'm going to get some champagne.

Right.

Oh, yeah. Champagne. I'm telling

you, proposal incoming.

Don't be daft, mam. If he was going

to ask, I'd have known by now.

Don't hurt to have the answer ready.

Just in case he pops the question.

It's not for you to know that.

Keep schtum.

Yeah, Dane. I mean it, zip it.

If you don't want him, I do.

Dane.

Adz, welcome back, brother.

Cheers, man. Craig's five-a-side is a

man down and Adz stepped in for tomorrow.

We'll support him cos we're family.

Adz. I've been on that team five

years, not once have you watched me.

Boohoo, Craig. Isn't he sensitive,

our Craig?

Thanks, gaffer. Give it here.

I've got something I want to ask

you.

Can we talk tomorrow, after the

game?

ALL SHOUT "YES"

I think that's a yes.

Ash, we're back. God.

Did you bring me a doggy bag?

Yeah, but I ate it in the car.

Big mistake.

Your shower's broke, auntie Toni.

Yeah, I'm aware of that, Ashley.

Thank you.

You've had a shower?

Did he just f*cking wink at me?

Oh.

Oh, God. Is he taking a vow of

silence or what?

Oh.

Remember when we used to have sex in

the shower? Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, God.

Just give it five minutes, I need to

let these dough ba*ls move through.

Oh. I did warn you about those

bloody dough ba*ls.

OK, again.

No, no. Tell you what, right.

We'll do it doggy style. You can shank

my shorts down, but don't touch my belly.

Don't touch my belly, cos I don't

know.

Right, ready.

Mmm. I think I'm going to be sick.

No, no, no.

Yep, I'm good. I'm open for

business.

Go, go, go.

I think the moment's passed, Tone.

What?

Adz, Adz, yes. Come on.

Go on, Adz!

Adz, Adz, Adz, Adz, Adz!

Go on, lad! sh**t. sh**t!

You know, I'm seeing Adil in a

whole new light.

Specifically the light reflection

off that Lambo. Mm.

I've known Adz since he were little and

you know he is just good enough for you.

If you want him. You're magic, you,

mam.

Give me touch. Hey. Mad love for my

princess.

Go on, lad. Go get 'em.

You'd suit a super chiselled piece

of man candy.

The ultimate accessory.

There's one important unanswered

question though.

What's that, mam? What's he like

under that shirt?

It's called a dream. I bet you could

shred a Red Leicester on him.

Maybe I do feel a spark.

I might look up the tech specs on

that Lambo.

Go on, go on, go on!

Yes!

Yes! Come on! Woo!

He gels his hair. Don't those bums

get you excited.

God, I hope he don't get groin

strain.

I have got to get my end away.

You've still not done it?

It's becoming a thing now. I need to

get the curse off. Curse, Christ. Yeah.

Can you help me, Rana? Help me, help

me, Rana.

All right, all right, I'll help.

Here's a foolproof method that I

never share with anyone.

Throw on a crisp, white shirt.

I've got to get the iron out!

Then I'll leave you and your jinxed

vag*na to it.

Craig, do not get a strain!

Hiya, boys.

MULTIPLE RESPONSES

That's my chair, I bagsied it.

Move away.

He's got nice legs, the one in green

shorts.

Yeah, he's my favourite. Yeah, me

too.

Apart from Craig, obviously.

Obviously.

If I had to take one home, I'd take

green shorts.

He's being creepy, mam. Don't call

him creepy.

Don't call me creepy. Mam, he's

annoying me.

Oh, you're 17, he's seven, deal with

it.

Deal with me, baby. Mum, she's

hurting me!

Right, you've buggered it. In the

car. Oh, mam, why?

Because I said so. Because you said

so. Yeah, yeah,

Mum, it hurts. And you and all, go!

Quick!

Bloody hell, babe. That were

masterful.

Did you like that, yeah? Ooft, yeah.

Maybe we could get the bin bag out

when we get home.

Can I have a lift home? I've got ironing

to do before Craig gets home? Yeah.

I'll see you at home.

You always take his side! You don't

get me at all!

You two! Will you two pack it in

now!

It's him, it's not even me!

Because I said so, because I said

so!

Final warning. I'll throw you out

this car! Stop it.

I am the law! It's him. I am the

law!

Right, you asked for it.

Out. Come on. Right.

This is child abuse!

That felt good. Yes!

They're not going to be acting up

again in a hurry.

OK.

Was that a bit much? Maybe a little

bit. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What have I done? Turn

the car round.

I can't. The exit's not for three

miles.

Please don't dump me out the car,

Paula.

Call them, call them, call them.

Call her quickly and tell her to go

to the embankment and stay put.

I can't believe I just abandoned my

babies. What kind of mother am I?

I'm going to end up on the cover of

Take A Break.

0-62 in 3.6. Incredible.

Rana, I've got a proposal for you.

Adz, I'm sorry, I'm not going to

marry you. What?

I'm not proposing.

Why not? I got engaged a month ago.

To who? Her name's Sadia. We met in

Dubai.

You didn't think to ask me? I knew you'd

say no like you did and I hadn't proposed.

Yeah, fair play to you.

Oh, end of the day, marriage ain't

for me.

Kills the sex life.

On goes the ring and before you know it,

you're teasing a hard-on with a bin bag.

Not sure what happened to you.

What did you want to ask me? If

you'd hook up in a threesome.

You cheeky sh*t. She really fancies

you. Of course she does.

Let's see her, then.

Look, can we take you out. Treat you

like a queen.

See what happens from there. On one

condition.

What's that? You let them down

gently.

Mammy's coming. Mammy's coming.

Mammy's coming. Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, Jesus. The police. sh*t.

We could leave them to it.

My babies. Is this her? My babies.

My babies. Yeah, this is our mam.

Oh, let me sniff you.

Oh, hands up officer. It's OK, mam.

I already told Officer Rachel

that we were coming home

from visiting nan and we got lost.

Yeah, so sweet. They're such

sweethearts.

Taking pity on an old woman like

that.

She's not a well woman at all. Get

on your way.

Thanks, Officer Rachel. Won't get

lost again, will we, Jake?

We promise. Where you headed now,

then? Shopping. Home.

Mam wants to buy me something.

That's nice, what's that?

A polka dot thong. Oh.

Right. Yeah.

ba*ls to this, Craig.

I'm there ironing a white shirt like

Rana said,

and I think, "What the f*ck am I

doing?"

You're ironing? Oh, yeah. Never

again.

I mean, f*ck shirts and wigs and

thongs,

like, it's all just corporate

bullshit like

big "sex" in my head. I know how to,

I've been doing it my whole adult life.

I've got moves of my own. Oi, oi.

I always love it when you do that.

I love you. I fancy you.

And I want to have sex with you.

f*ck yes.

We're going to take it back to basics.

We're gonna do it like when we were 24.

Slightly pissed.

Not looking at each others bits.

And with my music turned up so my

flatmates can't hear.

She's here, isn't she?

f*cking hell.

Marry him.

Now, then

Oh, my God.

God, I make this car look good.

Aren't you supposed to be at the

Hilton being a unicorn?

I told Adz I'd think it over,

lending me Lambo would help

grease the wheels, so to speak.

So you're gonna do it? Nah.

Shagging Adz again would be like

putting on yesterday's knickers.

He don't need to know that.

Hey. Fancy a trip to Costa with me

and me mam?

Hiya, love.

Yes! Yes, I do. Oh, my God, I'm so

excited.

Honey, I'm home.

Grace is at school. Just you and me

here.

Hmm, role reversal. I like it.

You mending the shower, Craig.

Need a hand with your pipe? Oh!

sh*t. Oh, God.

All right? Craig gave me a ring.

Can I show you something?

Yep. I fed a new hose.

It's a slightly different colour

from the fitting.

Do you see? Yeah, it looks really

good though. Thanks, mate.

Sorry, I flashed you, by the way. I

thought you were Yeah, it happens.

You OK with the hose as is? Mm.

Yes. Right, I'll be off then.

You all right, mate? Jack.

Just flashed the plumber.

Did he see everything?

It's kinda hot.

Maybe I'm into it.

How's that for spice?

Craig. Fancy a five minute fumble

before work?

Yeah, go on, then.