01x05 - Breadcakes

[bunniefuu]

Hi. It's Toni Callahan.

I auditioned for an advert last week

and I've still not

heard anything back.

PHONE: What role?

Working Mum Three.

Ah, you weren't successful,

I'm afraid.

You weren't the vibe that we wanted.

What, I don't have the vibe

of a working mum?

Thanks for chasing up.

Er, sorry. Wait.

C-Can I just say that I AM a mum?

And so if I got the part,

I'd be a working mum.

Would you like to audition

for Job-Seeker Two instead?

Yeah, all right.

SHE SIGHS

This program me contains strong

language and adult humour.

♫ Toni-I-ight

♫ All right, all right

♫ Give me strength ♫

Whack, whack, whack, whack. Ooh!

There she is, queen of the tombola.

Mwah! Are we gonna smash 500 quid

this Saturday? I'll be making 'em

all dig deep, don't you worry.

Can't bloody wait, me.

Oh, Lisa! Mwah! Getting jiggy

on the bouncy castle, eh?

That is gonna rake in some serious

coinage for the school coffers,

you know? Grace, are you?

Right, OK.

Oh, you must be Grace's mum.

The one

who doesn't answer the group chat.

Hm?

You're, er, Tommy's dad

Yeah aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I haven't seen Jodie in a while.

Yeah, she's running

a breathing workshop in Goa.

Have you ever tried it?

HE INHALES DEEPLY

No, never tried breathing.

I've never tried breathing.

You're an actress, right? Mm. Yeah?

Much work in Hull?

Yeah. They love to keep me busy.

Cos Grace says you just sit

on the sofa all day.

What? Did she say that?

They say all sorts, kids,

don't they? Oh.

You know,

it was funny the other day.

Tommy said to me

I was a rock-star dad.

Yeah, and a multi-location

burger-bar-business owner.

Wow! He said He said all of that?

Multi Multi-location

Mummy, I'm hungry. OK. You know,

it's a shame you're too busy

to help with the school fair, Toni.

The kiddies, they love it

when the parents step up.

I don't want to ask

a gendered question, but

how are your baked goods?

Cos you know what I wanna do is,

I wanna make this cake stall

something epic, right?

So hit me with some specialities

you've got in the kitchen.

Mm!

Bread cakes.

Not immediately seeing the appeal.

Well, that's cos you haven't tried

MY bread cakes, yeah?

Yeah, try Yeah, please try it.

Mm.

Mm. Is there anything you can't do,

Toni?

Hey, so, how about three dozen

of these fantastic bread cakes

for the school fair?

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Sign me up.

Hm?

MUSIC: I Don't Want To Talk

by Wallows

Craig.

Craig.

CRAIG!

Get us a fizzy water.

Rana, do you think a play list

this intricate just happens?

Yeah, if you put it on shuffle.

You're not up the duff, are you,

Rana?

I've not seen you order water

since you were 14.

No, I'm eating clean,

trying to rid my body of toxins.

Not gonna want one of these

delicious sausage rolls, then,

are you?

TONI SIGHS

Is Nima here?

What do you want Nima for?

Oh, it's Grace's new bezzie, Tommy.

His dad's in charge of this

class group chat.

Told you not to get involved

in those! I haven't.

But I have told them

I'll make three dozen bread cakes

for the school fair.

TONI SIGHS

You can't even make toast.

I miss toast.

Yeah, well,

this guy's a rock-star dad

and a multi-location

burger-bar-business owner, so

And he thinks I can't contribute.

You can't - you're useless.

Is this the PTA? Yeah, why?

No good comes from joining the PTA.

Craig, it's just some parents

and teachers, associating.

Listen, I've been in those meetings,

right? Parents get weird.

It's like a cult.

SHE CHUCKLES

Are the PTA gonna come and get me?

Watch your back, Craig.

They're after you!

f*cking hell!

It'll all end in tears.

Here. I've just warmed them

in the oven.

Get 'em whilst they're hot, kids.

Oh, and don't be putting

any butter on them.

They're to be eaten as God intended.

Ah, Nima, Nima.

Look how Look how nice she looks.

Her breadcakes'll bring

all the boys to the yard.

Mm-mm-mm. What are you after?

Er She's after your bread cakes.

She's got herself in the sh*t and

wants us to bail her out, as usual.

Rana! Sorry.

It's my blood-sugar levels.

I've given up white carbs,

booze and sex.

Sex! I give it three days.

Oh, that's nice,

coming from my brother.

He's right - you'll be

running your leg up the postman.

And now me mam.

What have you done that for?

You've never held back on

a single thing in your whole life.

Cos I got left for dust by a

22-year-old

at a fitness trial at work.

Well, you ARE 34.

What an awful thing to say to me.

You ARE, though.

I will not stay here

and be insulted.

Oh, my God!

Nima, I need that bread cake recipe

for the school fair.

Oh, I can't, Toni.

It's a secret recipe

passed down from me mam.

It's bad luck to tell.

Please. Please, Nima.

Look, it's for the kiddies.

I'm sorry, love. You'll just

have to tell 'em you can't do it.

SHE SIGHS

Here, Paula Mm?

There's summat I need you to see.

What is it? Brace yourself, love,

cos you're not gonna like it.

It's Ash.

SHE GASPS

79 views?

79 people have seen

my baby girl's business end?

SHE GASPS

Paula.

Paula. Paula, don't.

Don't. Don't have a go.

ASHLEY!

Come here.

WOMAN ON VIDEO: Well done, guys,

you're looking good.

What is that?

I'm taking a pole-dancing class

at the gym. It's for fitness.

It's for slags.

You don't get it, Mam.

When I do a double attitude

vine and spin, I feel free.

I'm all for you feeling free,

my darling,

as long as you do it with your

bloody legs closed. My fault -

should've kept you off that pole.

I failed you.

It's that bloody Instagram thing,

isn't it, that's put you up to this?

Actually, it was Rana's idea.

Oi!

You put my baby girl on the pole.

I'm interval training.

You've got 30 seconds.

She still eats Cheese strings,

you know.

Oh, mate, the chicks have

reclaimed pole dancing.

It's about fitness now.

She's right. Debbie says it builds

strength and control.

The hot pants are just an extra.

Mm. She'll be able to crush a grown

man's head between her thighs.

Wouldn't that have been useful

growing up? No.

I'll crush 'em for her.

Debbie, is it, yeah?

Queen of the slags?

Don't say that. Debbie's my hero.

She's sending you

down the road to ruin!

30 seconds are up.

I'm gonna sort this out.

She'll be swinging from the pole

after I've finished with her!

ASHLEY! Can I train with you

for a bit, Rana?

If you must.

Wicked! But I WILL crush you.

Move it!

MUSIC: Pony

by Ginuwine

Good. Nice.

Good, good. Point them toes.

Come on, bit more body strength.

Come on, up.

Good, good. That's it. Come on.

That's it. That's it. Excuse me!

I need to have a word with you

about how you do business.

Yes, love?

Hm. Well, you've got good shoulders.

You've got lovely arms, too. What?

For this. I should know.

I've been doing it long enough.

SHE MUTTERS

Gone white as a sheet. What's up?

I don't know. Are you scared?

No. A little bit. Don't worry.

Right, class, let's get on with it.

What's your name? Paula.

Hi, Paula. You all right?

Right, ladies.

Let's get this fair smashed, eh?

Here, start the tombola,

loosen the pockets.

Then they jump over to

the toy stall.

Now, that's just some marked-up tat

from my contacts

at the BMM warehouse.

Then, slap bang in the middle here,

we've got the cake stall.

The lovely Lisa over here has

pledged ten - ten -

lemon drizzles. Give it up.

THEY EXCLAIM

We're clapping!

Toni

tell me you are on track

to smash these bread cakes.

I would love to put a big tick

in your box.

Yeah. Er,, right, the thing is,

though,

I know I promised 36 bread cakes

Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d

Press the pause button there.

Are you saying you can't do this?

There are gonna be

some very disappointed kiddies.

I knew this would happen.

It's a lot to take on, Tone.

Don't worry.

Do you need me to step up, Jay?

No, no, no. No.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is, is

Is 36 enough?

C-Can I do more?

Oh, I am loving the way

your mind works.

I tell you what,

why don't we make it an even 100?

Yes please.

That's what I was gonna suggest.

100 bread cakes.

OTHERS EXCLAIM

Yes. Yes.

Absolute baking legend, in my eyes.

You smashed it again, Jay.

Yeah, well,

it's not all over yet, is it?

We need a show stopper to blow

the bloody doors off this fair, hm?

Give me some ideas, ladies. Ideas.

Think, think, think.

My Dave could demo his power saw.

Er, no such thing as a sh*t idea,

yeah?

Next, anybody?

SHE GASPS

My mate can bring a police car down

and do a display,

let all the kiddies fiddle.

Not f I mean, fiddle

She can put the siren on!

Yes, we have a winner, team.

Love the way your mind works, team.

Brilliant.

Are you sure you can handle this?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I'm gonna smash it.

Is it burning?

Is it meant to?

Yeah.

Are you being serious?

Sorry, do you want one?

No. I'm eating like Chris Hemsworth.

It's the caveman diet.

What's that, then?

Makes you want to club everyone over

the head cos you miss carbs SO MUCH.

What did Debbie say, then?

I've decided that you can carry on

with the lessons. Oh, mint!

Thanks, Mam.

Oh, God!

Not on social media, though. Deal.

I've got to tell Luke.

Hey, hey. Take these bloody things.

Come on. Chop-chop.

So, why the change of heart?

I appreciated

Debbie's point of view.

You called her a slag

last time I saw you.

In fact, queen of the slags.

I know, but I was wrong.

I've seen the light, Rana.

Debbie's an artist.

Why you got so many eggs?

MUSIC: Buttons

by the Pussycat Dolls

I can't stop

thinking about the pole.

It's like it's in me blood.

You're a natural, love.

Am I? I felt so weird, you know,

cos I was only really very good

at putting mats away in PE.

You're strong.

I keep telling you

but you don't believe me.

Now, come on. Give us a hook spin.

OK.

SHE SIGHS

Yeah.

You could be as good as them,

you know. Yeah.

Come to my advanced class on Friday.

OK.

What?

Are we buying a knock-off telly?

Doesn't look like much,

but Big Barry bakes

the best bread cakes in Hull.

You said they were passed down

from your mother.

Oh, she were crap at baking an' all.

She used to say, "Get your hair done

and your t*ts on show.

"And get your husband's mam

to cook for you."

Now, get in there

and pass 'em off as your own.

Welcome to living a lie.

So, now I'm living a lie?

Yeah, enjoy it, in't it?

Hey, and, Toni,

don't you dare tell Rana.

All right. Careful, now.

He's got magic in his hands

but violence in his soul.

Hiya, mate.

Can I have 100 bread cakes, please?

They have to be for personal use.

Oh, yeah, they are.

I really like bread cakes.

You're not gonna pass 'em off

as your own, are you?

Not a chance.

No, I'm gonna freeze 'em, obviously.

And eat one a day.

Cos you know, a bread cake a day

hip-hip, hooray.

SHE PANTS

Oh, God!

37 minutes.

How are you not gasping?

Four minutes slower than me.

Oh, this health kick is

really k*lling me.

I thought you were sailing through -

you're so pleasant.

Wanna rip everyone's head off and

sh*t in their neck. Will someone

force-feed her a Twix, please?

Sorry, sorry.

I just need to get this time trial

out of the way.

I've got you a distraction.

I've signed you up

to the school fair,

said you'd bring the police car

down

A load of screaming kids

in my motor? No sodding way.

That'll send me right over the edge,

Toni. It's for a good cause, Rana.

Hey, save it.

I'm immune to guilt trips.

Hm,

there is ONE ch*nk in your arm our.

Grace

Will you help us, Auntie Wa-Wa?

You did not just do that.

SHE FEIGNS SOBBING

♫ Senorita, there's a look

in your eye. ♫

I finished your bread cakes, Toni.

100, freshly baked.

Bloody hell, Mam. 100?!

Least I could do.

And it's for t'kiddies, in't it?

It's for the kitties, Rana.

"It's for the kiddies!"

What do you say?

SHE GRUNTS

She got 14 million

new followers on TikTok,

just cos she smeared

peanut butter on a cat,

which is animal cruelty.

So I said to Luke, "Look at this.

It's animal cruelty."

And he looked at it and he said,

"Yeah, it's animal cruelty."

Ashley, love, what time's class?

Oh, it's not for ages.

Get there early? Do a warm-up.

Oh, Debbie says I don't need them.

Thing is, love -

and don't take this the wrong way -

I can't stand you.

Have I done something wrong?

It's not you - it's your youth.

It makes me feel like sh*t. Why?

Because I'm not extremely young

any more and right now,

I can't handle anyone who is.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm naturally

fit. Don't be.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Cos it won't.

SHE GRUNTS

MUSIC: Work It

by Missy Elliott

DEBBIE: And that, ladies,

is how it's done.

Shown you up again?

No, you were mint, Mam.

Oh, thanks.

Bloody natural!

This is my daughter. Yeah.

It's taking you a bit of time to get

the hang of it, isn't it?

Yeah, I did think

that she was a bit young. She is.

But I teach little 'uns just to hop

round it like a maypole. You what?!

I'll see you soon, Paula.

Yeah, you will.

I think I fancy her.

sh**t me now.

What if I get a pole in my room

for us to practise on?

Yeah, that could work.

Big gussets only, though,

just in case Jake walks in.

Deal! Now I just need to work out

how to tell your dad.

Oh, I took care of that. Videoed

your dance and sent it to him.

MUSIC: Young

by Jaded

♫ Sipping on that Coke and rum

♫ Wake up in the mornin'

Gotta brush my tongue and

♫ Ring the alarm and run, run, run

I said, run, run, run

♫ Yeah, run, run, run

We can have fun

♫ We can mess up

♫ Party 24/7

Don't give a what

♫ We can splash out

♫ We can throw it up

♫ We can do whatever that we want

cos we're young

♫ E-E-Ever that we want

cos we're young

♫ We can do whatever that we want

Cos we're young. ♫

Handcrafted bread-cakes!

Fresh from my oven!

50p each, three for £1.

Fresh bread cakes!

How's it going, girls?

Oh, I am raking in the dough.

The bairns are going barmy

for my barms. Love it!

You can ping me your figures, yeah?

Yeah, er, Paula, Paula,

can you action that, Paula?

She's my numbers bod.

Yeah, all right, Deborah Meaden!

You keep it up.

I'm smashing this fair.

Paula. What?

Don't embarrass me in front of Joe.

You're lucky I'm here. Shut it.

Time out, kiddies. Come on.

Hello. Hiya, darling.

Hey, look what Mam's doing,

running an artisan bakery business.

We don't know what that means,

do we? No.

We're gonna get our face painted.

Yeah, Craig, the point is,

it's an undeniable success.

And it hasn't all ended in tears.

Fair's not over yet, mate.

HORN HONKS

SIREN WAILS

MESSAGES OVER RADIO

Get that out my car!

Oh, my

SIREN BLARES

We're on a real ROLL now.

Oh, enough with the baking puns,

Toni.

Well, I think I might have

a calling, you know, for baking.

I mean, I've got a gift.

A gift for what?

You didn't bake 'em!

Being an artisan baker

is 90% attitude.

The bread is the easy bit.

Yeah, tell that to HIM.

Sh! Why is he here?

What have you done, Toni?

How many you after, love?

How many?

These are mine and you're passing

them off as your own.

Now you're toast. No, I'm not!

It's for the kiddies.

You should have

thought of that before.

This is mine!

THEY ARGUE

You monster!

No-one steals from Big Barry.

Get off!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

sir.

This

is a kiddies' fair.

Smash him, Jay!

Are you gonna make me?

No.

No, I, er

I don't I don't want any trouble.

Just

Leave him alone, you

You need a good slapping!

THEY ARGUE

Don't you touch my sister!

Don't you dare hit her!

They're mine, you slapper.

CRAIG: Stay away from my woman!

THEY GASP

Bloody hell, Craig!

That's why you don't join the PTA.

The cakes are all mine.

Hello.

Hi, Mummy.

GRACE GIGGLES

Kick time!

That got out of hand, didn't it?

No, you leave me alone.

You've ruined everything.

It was only a fair.

I wanted to smash it.

And now that is all

anyone will remember.

And my burger business

has gone belly up.

You couldn't shift burgers in Hull?

Yeah. I know.

I'm a loser.

Hey, come on. I can't talk.

I'm 34 and my best role to date

was as a sexy kebab,

outside Hessle Grill, you know.

And I do spend

a lot of time on the sofa.

Jodie isn't in Goa.

She's in Goole with

a personal trainer, Reika.

SHE SIGHS

Why didn't you just come clean

and tell me you couldn't bake?

SHE TUTS

Hm. I don't know.

I just wanted Grace

to be proud of me.

Yeah, well, I wanted Tommy

to be proud of me, and

Come on. He is!

That was a great fair.

Until I ruined I did ruin it.

Is Is this gonna happen?

You and me?

No.

That's not happening.

And I'm not gonna tell Craig

that you did that.

Mm.

Grace. Do you want to help me make

an audition tape?

Yeah! You gonna be the director?

Yeah. Come on, then.

I'm gonna be the director.

Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy.

MUSIC: Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff

and the Fresh Prince

What happened to Tommy?

Oh, he's off with his dad.

Jay ditched the PTA

to spend more time with him.

Good for him.

Oh! Where have you been?

The school, at a PTA meeting.

Mums have elected me president.

You hate the PTA.

Listen, can't get in the way

of democracy, Toni.

I'm gonna reform it from

the inside out, like a new broom.

SHE MOUTHS

Well, that sounds like a lot of

work. Meh. I'm gonna smash it.

Right. Great. See ya.

See you in a bit.

Craig's joined a cult.

You'll never hear

the end of that now. Brilliant.

Hey, er, how was your time trial?

Beat the 22-year-old

by .2 of a second.

Oh, so your detox paid off, then?

Nah, I took a different tack.

PHONE RINGS

Did a bit of sexual sabotage

the night before.

Knackered him out.

Hi, Toni Callahan.

PAULA CHUCKLES

Yeah. Yeah.

OK, thank you. Cheers, bye.

Oh, my God, I got

I got the part!

THEY GASP

No way! Got the part!

Buzzing! Job-Seeker Two.

Grace! Grace, darling.

Mam got the part.

Well done, Mam.

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah, they said my desperation

was believable.

Really believable, apparently. Mm.

I'm saying nothing.

♫ We can have fun

We can mess up

♫ Party 24/7

♫ Don't give a what

♫ We can splash out

♫ We can throw it up

♫ We can do whatever that we want

cos we're young

♫ E-E-Ever that we want

cos we're young

♫ We can do whatever that we want

cos we're young

♫ E-E-Ever that we want

cos we're young

♫ We can do whatever that we want

cos we're young

♫ E-E-Ever that we want

cos we're young

♫ We can do whatever

that we want cos we're young

♫ E-E-Ever that we want

cos we're young ♫