01x01 - Night Out

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Big night last night, was it?

Yeah, are you hanging? Ooh.

Feel like you're staring into an
abyss?

Oh, God. Hey, it's good, though,
innit?

It's so good. Best years of your
life.

Mum, my bum's itchy.

♫ Give me strength, give me love,
give me good times, baby, oh yeah

♫ Give me strength

♫ Give me love. ♫

Hey. Does this look like a
toadstool? No.

I thought you'd given that up.
Stressed, Toni.

Ashley's new boyfriend looks like a
car thief.

What flavour is that? Meat pie.

The lads down Vape Culture do a
Tasty Yorkshire range.

Oh, here she is. Look, the sunnies
are on. It's a bad one.

Rana, was it a good night?
Celebrated a drugs bust in the
Hilton rooftop bar with Hull FC.

Bleurgh.

Took one home. God, I miss nights
like that.

Like literally when anything could
happen, copping off with some random
bloke,

going home with him, no-one knowing
where you are.

I'm down another pair of handcuffs.
I want that.

Thing is, Toni, you're not match fit
for a night out.

Leave it to the professionals. I am
bloody match fit.

You did a little clap in Morrisons
cafe when your teacake came out.

Your days of dancing on sticky
tables are over, Toni.

I told you not to reproduce.

Let's go out, then, tonight. No
chance.

That footballer's invited me to his
mansion.

'Ey up, how's the toadstool act
coming on?

You've not even started it. I
finished it.

Grace, don't look. Mummy's going to
do much better than that. No, I
won't.

Let's leave Mummy to do some
thinking on the naughty step.

You like it, don't you? No.

Let's go. Mummy's making that face
again.

Dickhead. It's becoming a dad, it
does funny things to below cos it's
the hormones.

You can have it back when you're 21.
See?

ASHLEY: I hate you. Good. Put it
back.

It's mine. You're my daughter.

The car thief's up there. He's been
in this house for three hours, not
said a word.

Do not touch that door!

RANA: Not into the lad, then, bro.
Rana!

Don't. Paula. He's on the edge.

Caught him this morning putting a
bar of Dove in a sports sock.

Put that door down now!

Are you and silent Romeo staying for
tea? Yeah, obviously. We're
starving.

Right, well, go wash your eyebrows
off, then.

Mam, my sock's broke.

Away you go.

SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

God, your hangover smells ace.
Take me out, Rana.

OK, fine. If he's boring, I'll text
you and you can come and save me.

Yes! Get in! IF, I said IF.

What shall I say when I get there? I
don't know.

Say someone died. You're the
professional actress, aren't ya?

Here most recent gig were that
advert for the garden centre, she
was a slug.

So. Kate Winslet was Ronald
McDonald. She weren't 34, though,
was she?

O, God, I'm so excited about
tonight.

I'm even looking forward to feeling
like sh*t tomorrow.

The good kind of illness.

Bloody hell.

f*cking hell.

That's a startling effect.

It's contouring. Like chiselled
wood.

You look a bit like Pinocchio. It's
what everyone does now, Craig.

You need to put that much effort
into your toadstool work. God!

I will do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow you'll be puking your guts
up and muttering about the abyss.

Sod off. Two Lucozades and I'll be
right as rain. I'm hard, me.

Don't forget you're taking Grace to
Mini Stars tomorrow.

Got me first band rehearsal. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

I'm aware of your band rehearsal,
Craig.

Well, I'm nervous, aren't I? I've
not performed since Grace was born.

Yeah, I've not had a night out so
get off my case. OK.

Just sometimes when you go out, your
alter ego appears and we get
sh*t-faced Susan.

Oh, yeah. I like sh*t-faced Susan.

She's ace. She's a knobhead.

Hey. Are those gnomes yours? Yeah.

Do you live with your mum? Yeah.

Oh.

You're not at Hull City, are you? I
am, I'm the mascot, remember.

Oh, I must have been well pissed.

Leon's girlfriend is here.

Listen, Rana... Oh, oh.

We've just found out my grandad's
passed away.

Oh. Didn't I say she were a Disney
princess, Mum?

They're looking forward to meeting
ya. Oh, hiya.

♫ Hush, little baby, don't say a
word

♫ Poppa's going to buy you a
mocking... ♫

Her? Huh? Word.

♫ And if that mockingher don't
sing... ♫

PHONE PINGS

My night out!

Yes! Shh.

I'm going right now. You getting
changed?

I've got no time. Anyway, cool girls
come in anything now, don't they?

It's kooky.

OK. I worry about you going
out alone looking like that.

I won't be alone, I'll be with Rana.

She's in her element, she's like a
werewolf. A-woo!

♫ Life's a beach and life's a b*tch

♫ Life's a drag so take a hit

♫ Life's too short to give a sh*t

♫ So don't let the seagulls steal
your chips

♫ Cos it goes by, goes by fast

♫ High grade days. ♫

He loved the full English, did Da.

DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it.

Right, I might make a move.

Oh, my days.

Connor. Auntie Irene.

We'll get through this.

We'll get through this. We will.

We will get through this.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm Connor. I'm Rana.

Connor, are you going to help with
the buffet on Sunday?

It's like I always say, M+S for
celebrations,

home-made for death.

Anything you want, Auntie Irene.
Aww.

Rana, are you leaving?

No. No, no, no.

Leon needs me.

DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it.

Aww. Rana.

Uncle Mer's dead.
SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Right, that's it. Come on. Did I
make it too emotional?

I thought it was good. Yeah.

I am so sorry, I've got to get back
inside.

Catch you later, babes. OK?

How long? I can wait outside.

Don't let me see you dressed like
that again. Rana.

Rana.

Take me out, Paula. Please. No.

Are you coming in? I warn you, it's
gone EastEnders in here.

ARGUING IN BACKGROUND

Thank God I've got my little helper.

I'll tell Social Services.

Wants to stay round that dipstick's
house. Call 'em!

Give 'em a laugh. I know what young
lads are like, Ash.

The passion I felt for your mum was
animal. Still is.

I mean, you can't blame her for
wanting excitement in her life. See?

Auntie Toni agrees with me. Thanks
for sticking up for me.

Right, I've had enough of this.
Dane, you're not to lay a finger on
him.

Unless he puts a foot wrong, then
you can batter him.

I'll get me sock.

And you can stay round his house
until 9pm.

Whoa, hang on.

After she's had the safe sex talk.

We had that talk in school already.

Yeah, but that wasn't by us, was it?

This is the talk that stops you
wanting to have sex in the first
place.

Right, Tone? Ah, yes. That...

That talk. Oh, I see. That talk.

Ash, love. If you need to sit
quietly when it's over,

come join us in the garden.

Do you know what childbirth does to
the human body, Ashley?

It wrecks it. Honestly, Ash...

..it's like a round of applause when
I get out of bed in t'morning.

Tell her about your ruined bumhole.

Mum! Listen, I got piles when I was
pregnant

and they never went away. Show her
the photo.

What?

Show her the photo.

Er...

My boys.

Howard.

Jason.

Gary.

Hmm, little Mark as well.

Little Mark. Do you want to see
them, Ash?

Fine, I'll never have sex, OK?

Cheers, Tone. Right, will you come
out with me now? Will I f*ck?

You didn't use your bucket. Well
done, you.

Night was a write-off. Rana copped
off with a bereaved grandson.

Morning, Grace. Mini Stars will
cheer you up. Those mums are a right
laugh.

Oh, yeah. Those mums are wild.

I'd take her but Smoke On The Water
won't cover itself.

Hm, it's all right. You go have your
fun.

Love you both. Bye.

Where's my fun, Grace? Where's it
gone?

Bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, ba-ba-bam.

Hey, look, Grace. It's your auntie
Ra-ra.

Fancy seeing you here.

I'm off to the wake tomorrow.

I'm going to offer Connor a shoulder
to cry on.

And some other body parts.

Is there nowhere you can't pull?
The only way to get over the dead is
to get under the living, Toni.

Anyway, what are you two doing? It's
called "drama." "Drama."

No way is Kenneth Branagh lying on
the floor of the school hall
pretending to be a mushroom

on a weekend. Sack it off, then. Oh,
I wish I could.

But I can't. Not even for family day
at The Silver Cod?

Right, well, see ya. Wish me luck at
the wake. Yep.

Hey, Grace. Let's give Mini Stars a
miss.

♫ I'm just a love machine, feeding my
fantasy

♫ Give me a kiss or three and I'm
fine

♫ I need a squeeze a day instead of
this negligee

♫ What will the neighbours say this
time? ♫

Are you there, Grace?

Do you do c*ck? Lager shandy?

Ooh, can I get an orange juice as
well, please?

CHANTING "WE ALL HATE LEEDS SCUM"

Dirty Leeds, look.

We're City till we die, aren't
we, kid?

SHOUT "YOU sh*t b*stard, ARGH"

Hey, voila. Toadstool.

Nice. How was Mini Stars?

Yeah, yeah, really good.

You know those mums, Craig, they're
mental.

Grace is a professional toadstool
now.

How was band practice? Oh, yeah,
sound.

Put together a serviceable Edge of


Check us out, taking care of
business.

Mum's excited about tomorrow's
performance. What? What do you mean?
Gloria's coming?

Course she is, wouldn't miss it for
the world.

Gloria's coming.

Paula.

Does this toadstool hat look like
sh*t? Let it go, Toni.

At the end of the day, it's a
mushroom.

Ashley. Cover that up.

You'll trigger your dad. Yes, Mum.

Pfft. Are you OK with that?

Since we last spoke, important
information has come to light.

Why you talking like you're in
court?

They're from Luke's dad.

He part owns Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire
Puddings.

You're...oh, wait, can I have one?
No.

So we've give Ash her door back.
Yeah. We've let her stay the night.

Obviously I want it kept quiet, you
know, now that there's money in the
family.

What you gonna do with these? Get
off!

These, I'm going to defrost.

Then I'm going to put Greek yoghurt
in, it's like yoghurt but it's
thicker.

Why are you so impressed? They make
Yorkshire puddings.

Dane, they do sweet potato mash too.

Are you all right, chuck? Come on.
Let's go.

I've had an idea of how I could cheer
everyone up.

Shall I do it? Yeah, great, fill
your boots.

Jesus Christ, you people put it
away.

Can I just say you are fine? It's
an affliction.

Huh? Hm. What does that mean?

Oh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

You don't need to know big words,
sweetheart.

Have you ever shot a man? It's
frowned upon.

But I've had to restrain a
few...physically.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls,

the performance of Mini Stars is
about to begin.

So, come in, enjoy the show.

Hi, love. Thanks for all your help
at rehearsal.

Toni, I haven't seen you since...
Yesterday, when I was here.

Yeah, yeah.

Annette's found another lump on
Raffles, insists it's treatable,
then quotes me over 1,000.

I said, "I'm not leaving until that
dog's in a bodybag."

I'm so sorry, Mum. You look amazing.
Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Great to see you.

I'm so sorry, Gloria. That's really
awful. Awful. Lot of money.

I've been reading Google reviews of
Mini Stars on the way over.

Yeah, good, good.

Apparently some of the children are
quite feral. Yeah. Yeah.

Not our Grace. Not Grace.

She looks dehydrated. Is she
hungover?

FANFARE PLAYS

Today I'll brew, tomorrow I'll bake.

Rumplestilkin is my name.

Oh...

..you sh*t b*stard! Argh!

Go on, then. Show me your arm hold.

Then pat you down.

Make sure you haven't got any secret
weapons.

Roar!

What the...?

I'm gonna puke. Sorry. Bleurgh.

I'll bring a flan round in the week.
Thanks, Mum.

You really messed up this time,
Toni.

We can't show our faces at Mini
Stars again. That's no loss.

The woman who runs it is a
sociopath.

Grace loved it there, Toni.

Oh, she did, didn't she?

Oh, God. I'm a monster. I shouldn't
have taken her to the pub.

Craig, this will never happen again.

Honestly, I am k*lling that part of
me.

sh*t-faced Susan must die.

IMITATES k*lling

Just go.

She is gone now. I'm fun free. I'm
fun free.

I'm going to shop at Next in my
furry slippers like Paula, I
promise.

Let's go home and do something...

..mundane but wholesome.

PHONE RINGS

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

RANA: Toni. Toni. You need to get me.

Yeah, no, no, I'll be there. I'll be
there.

Craig? What now?

Five minutes.

Bleurgh.

Rana.

Rana.

God's punishing me for being sexy.

I'm on a tight deadline, stick your
fingers down your throat.

- Three more heaves then I'm done.
- What?

Three more heaves then I'm done.

OK, I'll wait outside.

Thank you.

Hello.

My niece is scurrying the pub.

So then I've got a massive hangover.

An angry goose under one arm.

And a crowd of really confused
mourners. I said...

.."It's what Nana would've wanted."

sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Craig.

Craig, Craig. Oh, my God, I lost
track of time.

I'm sorry. It's fine. We don't have
to go now. Huh?

It's been ages since I've seen you
look like that. What do you mean?
Like what?

Like you know how f*cking cool
you are.

You always used to look like that.
What happened?

Got busy, didn't we? With that.

Let's make sure we go out more
often.

OK.

Daddy, where's my hat? It's here,
baby.

Now, then, just foam now. No chunks.

Shall we bounce? Think we might stay
for a bit, actually. Oh.

Are we? Someone get me a drink.

Yes!

Oh, tell me again how great your
night was so I can

feel all warm inside from having sat
on me arse all night.

Hey, is Dane all aboard the Luke
train now?

Oh, yeah, 100%.

He just accepts that I know best.

Piece of piss.

Oh, hiya, love. Thanks for your
note.

Trying to get Mum to be chill about
Luke. Oh, I knew you're sensible.

You've got all this to come with
Grace. Night.

Ooh, Ashley.

You know...

..if you do need to, erm, the pill,
you know I can sort that out.

That's OK. Oh, good. Good.

That's what I was saying. Mum needs
to trust you.

He cums in his hand instead.