01x09 - No One Takes Khaleesi's Dragons

[bunniefuu]

Wow, long line.

Popular joint.

I don't know about you, but I'm
so glad this place opened.

That gas station swill is so bad I
almost started drinking tea-- tea!

This isn't new. Bash is an
institution around here.

- Bash?
- Short for Sebastian.

He was away at a coffee
competition in Europe.

I'm guessing the competition
wasn't a race.

- Long wait.
- Not if you're reading.

- Hi.
- I've got trig.

Hope it's not contagious.

Hey!
I know this guy.

It's my friend Richard--
big fancy choreographer now.

We were in the chorus together,

probably before you
were even born.

Dear lord,
that's actually true.

Fair trade, single-origin
Nicaraguan macchiato

with notes of honeydew,
fig and hard candy.

Is that a peace symbol
in the foam?

It is.
Sorry it took so long,

but my first one looked like a
Mercedes symbol, so I had to redo it.

Thank you.

Hi, I'd like the biggest
coffee you have.

- Bup.
- Sorry, first time here.

Do you call your large a small
or have some other crazy system?

- I don't subscribe to the customer-gets-to-choose thing.
- Really?

- No.
- It's a popular subscription.

- How many coffee-brewing awards do you have?
- 12.

I beat the Italians
and the French.

I see.

No one beats the Italians
and the French.

They have roasts
named after them.

I'm sure your mother
is very proud.

I have two dads.
Don't assume.

Can we get back to coffee?

I'm guessing you like
a dry nonfat latte,

- extra shot of espresso.
- Wow, you're dead on.

Okay, I guess you can
order for me.

- That's the devil's brew.
- The devil has good taste.

I need to ask you
a few questions.

- Are you currently taking any medications?
- Just Martinis.

- Where do you like your milk to come from?
- A cow?

- Have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
- Some sketchy chicken

that frankly could still go either
way, but nothing spicy, no.

How did you feel about
"The Year of Magical Thinking"?

- What does that have to do with my coffee?
- Nothing.

- I was making conversation.
- Oh, well, I haven't actually had a chance to read--

bup bup.

I need to focus on the beans.

- That's good.
- [ Bean clinks ]

That's good.

Can I read your trig?

And!

Are you filled with lead?

This is "The Nutcracker,"
not "Dumbo."

[ Groans ]
Straighten your knees.

- Just looking for my phone.
- Again?

- You won't even notice me.
- Seems unlikely. Next group.

Arabesque, Matisse.

Oh my God.
Are you okay?

- It's been happening all morning.
- You're k*lling dancers?

- I'm thinning the herd.
- This is not all right.

- At least I'm getting to rest.
- You'll be getting lots of rest.

Take your things, ray ray.
You're not needed.

Why are you stopping?
Were you perfect?

No, you were not perfect. Michelle,
show them how it's done.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

They need to see
what a proper jete looks like.

- I don't think that's appropriate.
- You're a dancer, right?

- Yes.
- And this is a dance studio, right?

- It is.
- Then I can't imagine anything more appropriate.

- But I'm not even warmed up.
- Oh, just do it.

[ Sighs ]

- That was terrible.
- I told you I wasn't warmed up!

You also told me you were in A.B.T.
Who knows what to believe?

You know what?
This isn't fun.

All right, let's try it again.

Madame Fanny, we've been
doing this for three hours.

- May we please take a break?
- [ Exasperated sigh ] Fine.

Two minutes-- no water,
no sitting.

And don't think you can
sneak in a lean either.

[ Girls chattering ]

"The Nutcracker" is performed
thousands of times a year.

Why can everyone else
find a Clara and I can't?

- It's the world's lamest conspiracy.
- Here, you're driving me crazy.

- Use it to call your phone.
- It's on vibrate. We won't hear it.

Oh please, vibrate still makes
that annoying buzzing sound

everyone hears even though we're all
supposed to pretend it's silent.

- Look at that, you just found a lamer conspiracy.
- All I'm saying

is you may as well have a ring tone, then
at least we could find the damn thing.

So I just found out
my friend Richard's

- choreographing a touring company of "Follies."
- That's a fun show.

Yeah. He and I were
in the chorus together

a million years ago.
We spent this crazy summer

at a rental at Martha's vineyard and we
came up with one of those silly pacts

that whoever made it first
would help the other one.

- That's silly, right?
- Michelle, are you still considering performing?

No. Not really.
I don't know.

- I like the show.
- Then call him.

Huh-uh. I don't beg for work.
It feels desperate.

You're right. And you realize
that's how every great performer

- made it, by waiting quietly.
- Oh, you know what I mean.

I'm sure when Brad Pitt
was starting out

he just sat at home waiting
for people to find him.

Okay, that's a terrible example.
He's Brad Pitt.

I'm sure he could just
sit at home and wait.

Well, my dear,
you are no Brad Pitt.

Look, if Richard wants to
find me, he can find me.

How? You're not on Facebook
like a normal person.

And cellphones weren't
even around back then,

so he certainly doesn't
have your number.

And even if he did, it would be a miracle
if you knew where your phone was.

- Where was it? - I'm not telling you
until you get a ringtone.

All right, enough resting.

I want chaines across
the room on the diagonal.

- And!
- [ Tapping stick ]

Hi, I'm calling for Richard.

Oh sure, just tell him
Michelle Simms called.

I'm an old friend. Oh, and
tell him I said to watch out

for the strawberries and bikini bottoms.
He'll know what it means.

- Michelle, must you?
- You told me to!

Where are you spotting?

It was an inside joke we had
at Martha's vineyard.

Okay, well, have him call me
as soon as he gets the message.

Yeah, this number.
Thanks.

- Hey!
- Melanie: Shh! Don't call attention to us!

- We're hiding from Fanny.
- Melanie: We don't want her to think of us for Clara.

So we're hoping it's out
of sight, out of mind.

- I'm pretty sure Fanny can sense you.
- Shh!

Okay, sorry sorry.
I'm not good at quiet.

- Crouch.
- What?

If madame Fanny looks out here, she's
going to think you're talking to a bush.

Well, now she'll think
I'm praying to one.

Look, I know Fanny's crazy, but
would it be so bad to play Clara?

That's not an opportunity
that comes along every day.

No one's ever going to live up to Sasha.
It's a losing proposition.

And I'm very happy as a sugar plum fairy.
It's what I've been

for the past 10 years, and it's
what my fans have come to expect.

- Your fans?
- Well, my mother and Josh.

Probably now just my mother
since I broke up with Josh.

Don't honk!
Don't honk!

Oh sure, tell everyone the
Jewish girl's in the attic.

- What?
- She's calling way more attention to you than I was!

That's our getaway car. You're
welcome to stay here if you want.

Crouched in the bushes?
Enticing, but no.

So what's the plan?

- Do we make him drive us to get tampons?
- I'm starting to think

- it's not fair to make Charlie drive us around all the time.
- It's totally fair.

We're helping my parents teach him a
lesson about recreational drug use.

- Those weren't drugs; they were pizza spices.
- That you planted in his room.

Then we're teaching him a lesson
about keeping his door locked.

- Either way lessons are being learned.
- Loser, I'm waiting!

For what, chest hair? 'Cause
that's never gonna happen.

I think I'll just get
a ride with boo this time.

- I'm going straight to work.
- Then I'll come with you.

- I can study in the walk-in or something.
- Don't be weird. Come on.

We'll stop by later.

- What are you doing?
- Sitting in back.

No, ugly sits in back, otherwise
it causes an accident.

You know I like to stretch out.
That's the deal.

I stretch out in the backseat

and you sit in front and
mess up his radio stations.

- So you're the one who messes with my stations?
- Uh...

- I guess I owe Dez an apology.
- Yeah.

Don't let me stop you.
Do your thing.

That's okay.
This station's fine.

- The radio's not on.
- Right.

- Right.
- [ Engine starts ]

I'm on my 10. That's restaurant
talk for 10-minute break.

Thanks for clarifying. Your
code was pretty hard to crack.

- Where's Sasha?
- I don't know. She texted she was coming.

It's so weird not seeing her
at ballet every day.

- I kind of miss her.
- She'd slug you if she heard you say that.

Oh, that makes me
miss her even more.

What if she just
apologized to Fanny?

Fanny obviously wants her back.

But how do we get her
to apologize?

It might not be that hard.
I mean, do Sasha

and cheerleading really seem
like a match made in heaven?

Cheerleaders are perky
and spunky and bouncy.

- All adjectives Sasha hates.
- What do I hate?

Being late when
I only have a 10.

- That's code for a 10-minute break.
- Sorry.

I was on my way, but then I found a mix
CD on my doorstep from my secret sister

- and I had to go back in and listen to it.
- What's a secret sister?

Cheerleading thing. The older girls
are matched up with the new ones,

- and they surprise us with presents.
- Sweet.

Unfortunately, mine is an idiot
who doesn't seem to realize

that putting her initials on everything
blows the whole "secret" part of it.

Especially when her initials are Z.Q.
But she makes me brownies

and puts them in my locker
like we're going steady.

- Sounds annoying and fattening.
- It's not that bad.

- Seriously?
- Once you accept the fact that you spend

- a lot of time in sneakers, it's kind of fun.
- Cheerleading?

Yeah.
And it's super easy.

We only practice an hour a day--
less if anyone has cramps or zits.

An hour? I can't
even imagine that.

What do you do
with all your free time?

I'm finally exploring that Internet
everyone's been talking about,

- and then there's TV.
- I remember TV.

The best part is I don't even have
to multi-task while watching it.

I can just sit there,
like someone in the Midwest.

- I'm officially depressed.
- Oh, come on, we're having fun too.

Yeah, tell me,
what's the latest?

- Fanny's gone psycho since you left.
- Really?

Like full on bates motel, shower stabbing,
wearing your mother's wig "Psycho."

- No way.
- She can't find anyone for Clara.

And she's torturing
everyone in the process.

- [ Phone chimes ]
- Vanessa has a black eye.

- We're just not even talking about it.
- [ Laughs ]

- What?
- My secret sister.

She wants me to go to the
soccer field for a surprise.

Zoey Quindlin,
what will you think of next?

- [ Giggles ]
- Did she giggle?

Melanie:
Worse-- she giggle-texted.

She's one high ponytail away
from needing an intervention.

Hi, it's Michelle Simms
calling again for Richard.

Oh okay, no,
I'm sure he's busy.

I just-- would you mind
reading my message back to me?

I wanna make sure it's right.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Although, now that I think about
it, let's lose the bikini bottoms.

Which, funny enough,
is what happened in the story.

Or maybe not so funny.
Okay,

so just tell him Michelle Simms

♪ from the rental
called! ♪

You don't have
to do the inflection.

Oh, just have him call me.

I came prepared this time.
Lots of reading material.

- [ Phone ringing ]
- Oh, that was fast.

Probably too fast, unless he walked in
just as his assistant was hanging up

and was like, "Wait!"
But she was like, "I just hung up."

And he was like,
"Call her back, b*tch."

I don't know why Richard's talking
to his assistant like that.

Oh my God, okay,

I used to keep it on vibrate,
but there was this-- oh!

[ Phone ringing ]

- That did not happen.
- I am so sorry.

I made a perfect likeness
of Bob in the foam.

Weird-- I had a frosted flake this
morning that looked like Simon le Bon.

- He went to get his camera.
- Good, you can make another one.

I am an artist.
It doesn't work like that.

Oh, come on, I'd expect
that defeatist attitude

from the French baristas,
but not you.

I'm here, I'm here.
Don't hang up!

Fanny: Why would I hang up?
I called you.

- Fanny?
- I need you to open the studio.

- Boo and Carl are waiting to rehearse.
- Now?

You have something
better to do?

- I do. Something important.
- You're an out-of-work showgirl

living in a one-room guest
house behind a dance studio.

- How important could it be?
- I'm next in line for coffee.

- Oh for heaven's sake.
- I've been waiting all morning to get this far.

- Well, Michael and I are at brunch.
- Brunch?

It's a meal between
breakfast and lunch,

most often enjoyed by childless
couples and g*y men.

- I know what brunch is.
- They have bottomless mimosas here

- which, frankly, I just see as a challenge.
- You poisoned me.

Now all I can do
is Simon le Bon.

- Am I on speaker?
- Not on purpose.

- How rude. Sorry, Bash.
- Not your fault, Fanny.

- Hanging up now.
- Go unlock--

I really didn't mean to
destroy your art. Again--

- Oooh!
- [ Trophy rolling ]

[ Thuds ]

I am going to need a moment.

- What are you doing?
- Fanny asked me to open the studio.

- Fanny asked me to open the studio!
- Yes.

And then she was afraid you wouldn't do
it, so she asked me to open the studio.

If she didn't trust me, why didn't she
just call you in the first place?

It does seem
the obvious choice.

And if you knew
you were coming,

why couldn't you call me
and tell me not to come?

What if something happened to me en route? I
thought we should be each other's back-ups.

We're not pilots! I was
next in line for coffee.

And not gas-station coffee,
the coffee that takes forever.

Halley's comet went by twice
while I was waiting.

I assume
you're being hyperbolic.

Icebergs formed and melted again
during the time I was in line.

- Definitely hyperbolic.
- The guy in back of me had gills when we started.

Please stop yelling at me.

Hey!
Ready to dance?

I have to change my shoes.

So what are you guys
doing here so early?

We're working on
the Astaire-Rogers dance

- for the opening of the new supermarket.
- Wow. Yay?

It's a premier supermarket
with Chinese takeout,

a donut counter, a coffee place

and an A.T.M.
and stamps.

Okay, it's been a long time
since I was a teenager,

but I'm pretty sure I never got
that excited about a supermarket.

Unless I was making out
behind one.

I guess I'm just looking
forward to the dance part.

Hold that thought.
What are you doing?

- Opening the studio.
- In pioneer times?

This is what I do when I open. I
want it to smell like pumpkin pie

- when Fanny comes in.
- Wow.

Sometimes I light the vanilla candle
and make it pumpkin pie a la mode.

- Speechless.
- It's what I would want someone to do for me.

Okay. Well, I'm here now and the
studio is open, so you're free to go.

Are you gonna
light the candles?

- No.
- Then I guess we know why Fanny called me.

You know, guys, as long as I'm here,
I'm happy to give you some feedback,

- be fresh eyes while you rehearse.
- No.

- You don't have to do that.
- It'll keep my mind off my sad coffeeless state.

- No, we're cool.
- Actually, fresh eyes might be good.

The sooner we get the dance right,
the sooner we can stop rehearsing.

I think Baryshnikov
said the same thing.

Get stretched and we'll start.

[ Whispers ] Can I talk
to you for a second?

- What's going on?
- You have to go!

- Something I said?
- I can't compete with the legs,

the hair and
the pretty-without-trying.

- Not following, but thank you.
- It's just...

- I kind of like Carl.
- Like, like him like him?

Yeah, I do.

Sorry to do this again,
but hold on.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Truly!
- I thought Fanny might like

- some fresh-cut flowers when she comes in.
- Go!

- Wow, so you like Carl.
- Yeah, but nobody knows, including him,

so the only time we get to hang
out is when we're rehearsing.

That's why you were hyperventilating
about the supermarket opening.

- Okay, pieces coming together. Consider me gone.
- Thank you.

- Boo, I'm on limited time here!
- Right. Sorry.

Thanks for the girl talk-- I finally
understand what the heck skin toner does.

- See ya.
- Wait, I thought you were helping us.

Well, I could help you, but if
I do all the helping for you,

- what will you learn?
- Huh?

- Teach a man to dance and he eats fish for a lifetime.
- That doesn't make sense.

Nope.
Okay, have fun.

So guess what? I made us those
dream bars I told you about.

I'm not much of a baker, so they
may taste more like nightmare bars--

We're in training. I don't think
we should be having any bars.

- Oh. - And we should probably cut
the chit-chat and get started.

Okay, yeah.

Fanny: You're wasting my time.
Just go.

Go go go.
Go go go go go!

Worthless,
completely worthless.

Look at this. We have our
arms around each other.

They call themselves dancers.
Who taught these girls?

It's me and him,
me and him, me and him!

If I don't find a Clara, there's going
to be no one to give the nutcracker to!

And we're doing
that leaning heads thing.

- You only do leaning heads with friends.
- Is that you?

- Yeah.
- You were pretty.

Not loving the past tense.
That's me and Richard.

- That choreographer?
- Yeah.

- Did you talk to him?
- I left messages,

but he hasn't called me back.
I thought maybe I was

remembering our friendship
wrong, but look-- proof!

- He's probably just busy.
- Too busy to call a friend he leaned heads with?

He's putting on a show.
That's a lot of work.

And I found the receipt
for the rental.

Guess what--
I paid for Martha's vineyard!

I feel for him.
Casting is impossible.

Your situation is not impossible.
There's an easy solution.

- Which is?
- Talk to Sasha.

I'll be happy to talk to her--
after she apologizes to me.

Seriously?
She's 16, you're 100.

- She was in the wrong.
- So be the mature one and go to her.

I'll do no such thing.
It's up to her to come to me.

Okay well, I hope you've stocked
up on water and toilet paper

- because you're in for a long wait.
- [ Twig cracks ]

Hold it!

- You could play Clara.
- You know he's a boy, right?

Matthew Bourne did
"Swan Lake" with all boys.

Get in here.

All right, stand
right over there...

Hi, it's Michelle Simms again. I just
thought I'd see if I could catch him.

Still not there. You know, this
show's never gonna get off the ground

if he doesn't start
showing up for work.

Okay well, just tell him
I called and--

Wait, that was him.

No, I just heard his laugh.

Two titters and a snort,
that's definitely Richard.

No, I know his snort, lady!
Trust me.

"Bright Lights, Big City"
was his favorite book.

Okay, you know what?
Forget it.

Tell him not to call me back
and tell him he still owes me

for the Martha's vineyard
rental!

And jump and jump and higher!

Higher!

There's no line.
Seriously?

Seriously there's no line?
All right!

Day officially saved.
I'll take one coffee,

any brew, any bean,
you're the boss.

You sure you don't want
to make a call first?

- Knock anything over?
- Oh good, we're still on that.

- Destroy things that are near and dear to me?
- Again, really sorry.

I have my old archery trophies at home.
You could take a crack at those.

- Archery?
- I could see if my dads are free.

You could hurl some
anti-g*y slurs at them.

Okay, aren't I
the customer here?

Yes, and I'm the owner
and the owner's always right.

I'm pretty sure that's
not the expression.

- Who's got the coffee?
- You.

- Who wants the coffee?
- Me.

I don't think we need to be discussing
the power dynamic any further.

Now, why don't you have a seat?

And your coffee should be up
in 10, 15 minutes.

- Seriously?
- Why would I joke?

[ Sighs ]
I just--

I sort of understood the wait
when the line was down the block.

But I'm the only one here. Couldn't
we maybe speed things up a little?

- I don't see how.
- You could skip the little heart in the foam.

- You want a different design?
- You could skip the design entirely.

- But that's my signature.
- I promise I won't tell anyone.

It's not my coffee
without the design.

- I'll sign a confidentiality agreement.
- I won a contest you know.

Yes, for making coffee.
You didn't cure cancer

or figure out malaria.
You brew coffee--

and I'm grateful for that, but
let's keep a little perspective.

You know what?
You're right.

Sometimes I get inside my head,
take myself a little too seriously.

Been that way my whole life.
I get it from mom.

- I thought you had two dads.
- We call one of them "mom" so it's not confusing.

- Ah.
- I'll start that coffee for you.

Thank you.

[ Whistling ]

What are you doing?

- Cleaning the machine.
- Now?

- The light's on.
- I'm begging you.

I'll drink dirty coffee. Don't
make me grow old at this counter.

You're sitting.
Why are you sitting?

- I'm reading the manual.
- Who reads the manual?!

Award-winning baristas.
Oh-oh my God! You know what?

You and I are through, because in a
week we're getting a new supermarket--

a premier supermarket--
where in one fell swoop

I can get garlic chicken and
stamps and a raised glazed donut

and 15 cups of coffee
in five minutes.

And I'll know that coffee will
have my name misspelled on the cup

and world music will inexplicably
be for sale at the register

and no matter where I am, it will look
like Seattle in the '90s and I can't wait!

[ Tapping ]

And we're dancing.
And we're dancing.

And we're bringing it home.
Sam, home's over here.

To your left. Your other left.
There you go!

Well, they say you
can't go home again.

All right, great class, everybody.
See you next week.

- Hey, Sam, can I ask you something?
- sh**t.

- How long you been taking tap?
- I don't know, two, three years.

- You're not getting any better.
- I know!

- I mean you're truly terrible.
- Right?!

- And you're okay with that?
- I figure improvement breeds expectation.

Expectation breeds
disappointment.

- And disappointment breeds wrinkles.
- Exactly.

- Hey, wow, that looks bad.
- Yeah.

Just so everyone knows, I'm
teaching Fanny's class today.

[ Sighs of relief ]

Hey, look at that--
a Christmas miracle.

I finished the final fittings
for the supermarket dance.

You just need to steam them and give
them a mist with lavender spray.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
But they look lovely.

Great! Carl's not here,
but I can take his to him.

Hey, you're not talking about
the new supermarket, are you?

The premier supermarket,
the one that opens

in exactly six days,
eight hours and 47 minutes.

- Yeah, it's not opening.
- What?

Shut that sucker down. We got
them on a zoning technicality.

I'm surprised Fanny
didn't hear about it.

- But the coffee.
- And the dancing.

- The dancing for coffee.
- If I don't dance with Carl,

I'm not going
to see him anymore.

Hey, who got them on
a zoning technicality?

The association
for the preservation

- of keeping it real in paradise.
- That can't be the name.

I know, it's a mouthful. That's
why we call it taft-poki-rip.

- Who can I talk to to undo this?
- You can talk to me.

- I'm on the committee.
- Great. Undo this.

- Nope. See you next week.
- Okay, seriously, Sam.

There's got to be
something I can do here--

file a grievance or pass a
motion or gather a posse.

I don't know.
Read the handbook.

I'm hungry, my feet hurt,
I want to go home.

People have been really looking
forward to that place opening.

- What people?
- Well... her.

Bambi eyes.
Bambi eyes.

She'll get over it.

I'm not going to let it happen.
Hear me, boo?

- Fight the good fight.
- They are not taking Khaleesi's dragons!

Cheerleaders:
We're gonna b-e-a-t,

we're gonna b-u-s-t,

we're gonna beat them,
bust them, that's our custom.

Come on, pirates,
let's readjust them!

- Go-ooooo pirates!
- Whooo!

- Uh, Sasha?
- Yeah.

We talked about this. I need
you to not kick so high,

because the rest of us
can't do it, 'kay?

I swear I'm trying. Believe it or
not, this is a low kick for me.

Yeah well, as head cheerleader, I
determine the official kick height.

And this is it.

So it's really more
of a half kick?

We need to be uniform
or someone could stand out.

- Well, I will try harder to be mediocre.
- Thank you.

- No way.
- Look at you with the ponytails and the pep.

- I didn't know you guys were coming.
- I count six.

- What?
- Pom poms. You're wearing six pom poms.

That we can see.

- They make us wear this.
- It's cute.

I can't believe all these people
are here watching you cheer.

Okay, we're only 10 minutes late.
How is it already 47-2?

- Do we suck?
- Apparently.

If you'd told me you were coming, I
would've told you not to bother.

Sasha!
We're making a pyramid!

- Gotta go.
- Let's get snacks.

- You're going to stay?
- Of course.

Oh. Super.

Go team!

I can't believe we're wasting our
Friday night at a basketball game.

- We're doing it for Sasha.
- The Sasha part is fun.

But the rest is still
a basketball game.

Which is why we have junk food.
To keep us distracted

for however long
a basketball game is.

- [ Carl talking ]
- Oh.

- What?
- [ Girl laughs ]

Ginny: Oh, what are
they laughing at?

Maybe he admitted he lives
in a tree, making cookies.

- He's such a loser.
- He's not that bad.

- Hey, who has my nachos?
- Charlie: Hey.

- Go away. What?
- Move over.

Move!

- What are-- what are you doing?
- What do you think?

- Watching the game.
- We're not Gyllenhaals.

- Are you stealing from my bag?
- Why, do you have something good in there?

Ginny, your nachos-- they're not
going to be safe over here.

- Those aren't mine.
- Yes, they are.

They're the disgusting ones
with extra cheese and ketchup.

- No, I don't eat nachos.
- You just asked me for them.

- No, I didn't.
- I'll take them.

So I didn't know you
liked basketball.

Uh-huh, it's got
baskets and ba*ls.

- Seriously, stop breathing.
- I'll die.

Yes, exactly.

You're really into the game.

I'm watching Sasha cheer.
Yay, Sasha!

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Hi, hello and how do you do?

We are the pirates.
We welcome you.

My name is Aubrey.
I live to cheer.

With me in town
you'll have no fear!

My name is Sasha.
I-- [ Coughing ]

- Think she's okay?
- Probably just a bug.

- Like she's sick?
- No, moron, like she swallowed a bug.

Sasha:
You go ahead, go ahead.

When I was five,
I swallowed a bug in Aruba.

I freaked out so much my parents gave
me a pina colada just to shut up.

I like coconuts.

- What were you saying, boo?
- I didn't say anything.

Boo, start talking! We never get to talk any more.
What's going on with boo?

- I don't know.
- That's hilarious!

- God, you are so funny.
- I'll be right back.

No, boo!

Come back, boo.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, it's great. I just--

- I have to go.
- You getting more food?

No, definitely not
getting more food.

Or going to the bathroom.
I don't-- do that.

- Oh my God, Ginny! Did you push her?
- I didn't touch her!

- I'm okay!
- Let me help you back up.

No, I'll just go this way since
I'm already heading down...

- Hey, whatcha doin'?
- Just promoting team spirit.

Cool cool. So did you have to
audition to become a cheerleader?

Yeah, it's not like Harvard.
You don't get born into it.

- That's so interesting.
- Is it?

So what's your favorite
thing about cheering?

- We're really doing this?
- Why not?

Okay, what's going on? Why the
sudden interest in all things cheer?

Uh, Sasha?
We talked about this.

No fraternizing with the
fans while cheering, 'kay?

- Sorry.
- Victory cheer, everyone.

- Are you serious?
- No, it's a big joke.

We're down a million to four. Victory
is a mathematical impossibility.

- We need to motivate them.
- How about we cheer "Stay in school,

learn algebra, you have
no future in sports"?

- That's not motivational.
- We'll throw in "Hey hey" at the end.

- But--
- This is the problem with men today.

They go straight from sports-- where
we tell them they can do anything--

out into the cruel hard world
where clearly they can't.

And they have no coping skills,
so they walk around

the rest of their lives confused,
stunned as to what happened.

They were supposed to be
lords of the universe,

not wearing a fake referee's
outfit at the local Footlocker.

So they drink and get fat
and die of a stroke at 46

all because we jumped around
yelling "Yay team,"

instead of letting them feel
like the failures that they are.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I wasn't sure if you heard
about the supermarket opening.

- It's not happening.
- Oh, you heard.

- Fanny called me.
- I didn't know that.

She did.

Well, it's too bad no one's
going to see our dance.

Maybe madame Fanny can find a
different place for us to perform it.

- I think my dancing days are over.
- What?

I'm busy with school. And let's
be honest, I'm not that good.

- That's not true.
- Boo, please.

It's a miracle
you're not on crutch.

Well, maybe I'll see you
at a game sometime.

Probably not. I just came tonight
to get extra credit for P.E.

Oh.

- [ Whistle blows ]
- I'd better pay attention to the game.

- Coach Meyer will quiz me.
- Okay.

Well, see you around.

Yo, pretty boy!
Spread the word--

we're having a meeting to oppose
the closing of the supermarket

tomorrow night at 8:00
at Fanny's dance studio.

It's all on the flyer. Which,
B-T-Dubs, is where you come in.

I need your help
in getting the word out,

so no one leaves here
without one of these puppies.

Buy a drink, get a flyer.
Order an appetizer, get a flyer.

Go to the bathroom, get a whole
stack of flyers. Got it?

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm Michelle.

Vegas dancer, married Hubbell, sex at the
party, car crash-- it was in all the papers.

- I don't read the paper.
- Right, because it's not 1950.

All good things
happen outside a paper.

You ever seen a baby deer
born in the paper?

- Uh...
- Only way a baby deer is in the paper

is if it causes a pile-up.
You read the paper,

you'd think all
baby deers were K*llers.

- That's nuts.
- If the truth is nuts--

I promise you, no baby
deers die in these flyers.

- Cool. - I'm just trying to save
the supermarket-- and the coffee.

- Right on.
- So I decided to go "Footloose"

on the committee's a*s
and call a meeting.

- [ Cellphone buzzing ]
- Ooh, I'm buzzing.

Hello.
Oh hi, Mr. Mortimer.

Thanks for calling me back.
Yes, that is correct,

we are holding a dinner
in your honor.


is nothing to sneeze at.

Tomorrow night at 8:00
at Fanny's dance studio.

Did you want
the chicken or fish?

Great, see you then.

- Wow.
- Oh, like he's gonna know the difference.

You ever try to save a supermarket?
You do what it takes.

- That's nuts.
- I know.

- No, like seriously crazy.
- You don't have to tell me.

I lived in Vegas. I played craps
with Dennis Rodman. I know crazy.

Okay, so I've got
to hit the synagogue,

tell them about the bris we're having
tomorrow night at 8:00. But remember--

No one leaves here
without a flyer.

You didn't give me a flyer.
I hope you get better at this.

Okay, so I was thinking tonight
we'd go for a snack theme

of things on top
of related things.

What, like whipped cream
on ice cream?

Amateur hour. I've got cookie
dough to put on cookies

and soft cheese
to spread on hard cheese.

- I'm not really hungry.
- What are you doing?

This is the taking-off
portion of the evening.

- Why aren't you changed?
- I'm comfortable.

Ugh, get out!

- Like I want to stay.
- We're getting beer. You want anything?

Uh, we're not
bringing her anything.

- Ginny can have something.
- No thanks.

I'm not much of a drinker.
Or eater.

I don't really ingest.
That's not mine.

All right.
Later.

See, this is why we should've
set up in my room.

Maybe we can change the locks
before they get back.

- [ Door closes ]
- What the hell.

- What?
- Okay, freak, what's going on with you?

You've been acting 50 shades
of cray-cray lately.

I know! I can't think or talk and
my stomach hurts all the time.

And I don't know why, but I borrowed my
mother's nightgown from her honeymoon

just in case he'd see me in it and
I don't even think it'll fit.

She's 15 times taller than me, and ever
since I found out Charlie likes me,

- nothing I do makes sense.
- Charlie?

- My brother Charlie?
- He asked boo about me and now my brain is 95% empty.

I seriously cannot
form words when he's around.

All that happens in my head
is me going, "Talk talk talk."

But the more I think that, the more I
realize I haven't actually said anything.

And then I end up giggling
and occasionally drooling.

I can't do this. I can't be always
interesting and never hungry.

It makes me want Josh back.
'Cause at least I could eat

and speak and wear
comfortable pants!

- Wait, are you saying you want to date Charlie?
- That's not the point!

The point is I'm acting
like a mental patient!

No, the point is
you can't date Charlie.

- What?
- Boo likes Charlie.

- I know.
- That means as long as you're friends,

you cannot go near him.
It's bra code.

- But Charlie doesn't like boo.
- It doesn't matter! She owns the rights.

Maybe if boo becomes a nun or a l*sbian,
then you could consider liking Charlie.

But only with her permission and
there still might be some blowback.

So "moonstruck" yourself, do what
you gotta do, but this stops now.

Where are you going?

To get sweats and a big
t-shirt for you to sleep in!

It hasn't started yet?
I was sure I was late.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- For the "Sound of Music" sing-along.

- I'm Brigitta.
- It's a neighborhood council meeting.

- A what?
- Michelle suckered us all into coming with a web of lies.

- You're kidding.
- That couple over there is waiting for a bris.

Guy over there is expecting
a bachelor party.

And she told us we were going
to Skype with Hugh Jackman.

- Okay, why would you think that was true?
- She said they were friends.

- And you believed her?
- Yeah, how could we be so dumb, Brigitta?

Mr. Mortimer, you don't
look a day over 85.

Your snapper will be
ready any minute.

- So where is everybody?
- Right here.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, you got a great turnout.

This is a great turnout?

- It's packed.
- Wow, I am so not Kevin Bacon right now.

- Glad I didn't bring my Bible.
- We should get started.

Sure. So what do I need to do?
Is there, like, a gavel

or a gong or Ed McMahon
waiting in the wings?

We're starting! Now why
the hell are we here?

- Man: Bingo!
- Woman: Free puppies!

- Melanie: "Sound of Music" sing-along!
- Okay, hi.

I'm Michelle Simms
and I've called this meeting

because your committee is blocking
the opening of the new supermarket,

and I for one think
this is a mistake.

Right now the only option we have for our
grocery needs is that hole-in-the-wall,

wants-to-be-a-real-store-when- it-grows-up
Joe's market which, let's be honest,

it's not just tiny, it's a little
creepy, with the weird lighting

and dusty shelves and always
smelling like bug spray.

Makes you wonder
what kind of weirdo Joe is.

- I'm Joe.
- Oh.

Uh, you have a lovely market.

I'm simply suggesting

we could also use a store with
more than one kind of mustard.

- Maybe grainy or--
- Nope, nothing grainy.

I don't want any of that fancy
stuff they pass from limo to limo.

- But--
- Golden-- that's the mustard for me.

- [ All agreeing ]
- Right.

Then what about convenience? Right
now if you want a bottle of wine

with dinner, you have to go
from Joe's lovely market

all the way across town
to the liquor store.

Yeah, and so do the kids
trying to buy beer.

This way they're either deterred
or they get some exercise.

Let me just cut to the chase. The people
of paradise deserve a good cup of coffee.

- We got that barista.
- Bash.

- He won awards.
- He k*lled the Italians and the French.

- I heard he even beat a guy from Seattle.
- That's a myth,

just like Sasquatch or Rogaine.

No one beats
the Seattle baristas.

Joe: I saw the trophy
with my own eyes.

Okay yes, he's a very
talented barista.

But I'd like my coffee
before I drop dead.

I don't know what to tell you.
We don't have a problem with it.

No, what you have
a problem with is progress.

That's what this is.

You're scared...

Scared of the big store
coming in

and threatening
your one-mustard town.

You say you got them
on a zoning technicality?

I say that's code for fear.

We don't care about
the zoning thing.

We've been fighting
this battle for years.

That was just
the legal mumbo-jumbo

that let us finally
pull the plug on it.

- This project's bad news.
- Well, nothing's perfect.

Sometimes there
are trade-offs.

They want to pollute the river.

The study said in three years

there'll be nothing
but two-headed fish.

Well, two heads
are better than one.

- Don't forget the ducks.
- Every duck within a 50-mile radius-- dead.

Except the ones that fly off and infect
all the ducks in the United States.

Dead ducks from coast to coast.

Well, on the surface
that sounds bad,

but on the other hand--
coffee.

They also use five year olds
to pick their vegetables.

Why do you hate kids and ducks?

[ Crowd murmuring ]

I'll be right back.

- Hey.
- I got your message.

Good. Good to know
technology can be trusted.

So are you expecting me
to say something?

Because you're the one
who called this meeting.

Yes, and I thank you
for coming.

That sounded weird. Actually
everything with us is weird lately.

Good thing there's no "us" any
more since the dance was canceled.

And apparently, you're just
interested in me as a dance partner.

- That's not true.
- That's what your friends said.

- My friends were wrong.
- Your friends were jerks

about me making you lasagna
and you didn't disagree.

Lasagna really does make me
sick to my stomach,

so that part was true. But not
the other stuff they said.

I don't know why I didn't
say anything right then,

but you have to believe me,

I don't want to just be
dance partners.

I like--

- See, she's with Carl!
- So?

- So she doesn't like Charlie any more!
- That's not the point.

- You still can't date Charlie!
- What are you talking about? You're dating Charlie?

- No, not yet.
- Not ever!

- You said you didn't like him.
- I didn't.

- Now she does.
- You know how I feel about Charlie.

- Melanie: That's what I said.
- I've liked him forever.

- I know!
- You said you wouldn't date him.

You told me to my face "It's not
like I'd date him or anything."

- I was there.
- Total violation of bra code.

- Ginny: Look, I haven't even gone out with him yet.
- "Yet"!

- Obviously, you want to.
- Ginny: You were the one who told me he liked me.

Because I thought I could trust you
not to go after the guy I like!

I'm sorry, I just caught
you kissing someone.

You can't own Shorty McShorterson
and every other guy in the world!

- It's not fair.
- Life's not fair.

Oh, so wise!
So tall and so so wise!

Hey, I'm just standing
up for my friend!

- She wouldn't do this to you, right, boo?
- I'm an idiot.

I'll never have coffee again.

Come on!

I'll miss coffee. It smells good.
It makes you talk fast.

It goes nicely with cake and pie
and all your basic baked goods.

Yeah, I'm not really much
of a coffee person myself.

So why'd you come
to the meeting?

I had a feeling that

you might not get
much of a turnout,

thought you could
use some back up.

Oh, a boy scout, huh? Helping
an old lady across the street?

- I like your shirt.
- Thanks.

- What's it mean?
- That you're even younger than I realized.

You have a whole "old" thing
going on tonight, huh?

- Let me take that.
- This was dumb.

- This whole thing was dumb.
- Someone your age should've known better.

I guess I just wanted to feel
like I had some kind of control

over something in my life,
you know?

Nothing is under your control.

You just gotta let
things happen.

Yeah, okay, surfer boy,
get back to me in 10 years,

- we'll see how you're doing with that.
- It's not about age.

- It's about philosophy.
- Well, here's my philosophy:

I believe
in controlling everything.

And putting cheese on stuff.

- You need to go surfing.
- Yes, that is exactly what I need.

- I could take you.
- Absolutely, pick me up at noon.

Once I got you out on the
waves, you'd let all this go.

You'd surrender to the ocean.

Wow, that is an awesome line.

And I bet with your face and other
parts that it works-- a lot.

- How about tomorrow?
- No.

- Next day?
- No.

"No" is really just
another way of saying "yes."

You're adorable. And I love the
flirting thing you've got going here,

but you and I--
really different.

That combo could
seriously never happen.

We'll see.

[ Scoffs ]

Hey.

- Hey.
- Why aren't you out there?

I sprained my spirit.

- They don't kick very high, do they?
- No.

- But they're uniform.
- You're right.

- They all kick the same unimpressive height.
- [ School bell ringing ]

All right,
what are you doing here?

Dressed like that?
With the punky Brewster hair?

- Just go apologize to Fanny.
- Can't.

If you can't do it for yourself,
do it for your friends.

They're dying. Half the
class is out with P.T.S.D.

- The other half wishes they were.
- It's not that simple.

Really? 'Cause it doesn't
seem that complicated.

I've got stuff I'm dealing with.
You wouldn't understand.

When I was growing up, my homelife
was no big picnic either.

It was like
a Tennessee Williams play,

but without all the happy endings.
So I get it.

You've got, what? Two more years
till you're out of the house.

And this summer you're at Joffrey, so
that's really two years minus a summer.

That's nothing. You've
just got to suck it up.

Be tougher. Life is
unfair, deal with it.

Look, I have no doubt you can keep the
stubborn thing up for a long time.

I respect your commitment
to the sulk.

But I can tell you
from experience,

one really stupid mistake when
you're young can change everything,

take away options,
make you sorry

you didn't listen to the person who
has a really embarrassing picture

- of you on her cellphone.
- What?

- [ Clicks ]
- Nice.

Oh, that's a keeper.

Quitting ballet now is
a really stupid mistake.

- Michelle: Are those jumps?
- It's sad when you have to ask.

Seriously, did they learn them in
a room with really low ceilings?