05x01 - Relics of Demon Past

[bunniefuu]

Jackie: And that is ursa major,

more commonly referred
to as "the big dipper."

Jade: Incoming!

(Jade burps)

Jackie: Ohh, Jade!

(Tohru giggles)

Jackie: Please, tohru,
do not encourage her.

(Jade burps) (Tohru
stifles giggles)

Uncle: Ai yah!

Jade's belly breezes
not important.

Alignment of stars
reveal that now

is very good time
for very bad chi.

(expl*si*n)

Drago: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

No prison can hold
the son of shendu.

Captain black: Give it
up, drago.

You're not going anywhere...

And neither is
your dragon daddy.

Drago: Now who said anything
about busting out that old gecko?

I'm going solo.

Men: Aaah! Get away!

(Jackie gasps)

Jackie: Drago has
black pinned down.

I need to create a diversion.

Jade: Yo, hothead!

Remember me?

There are no "get out
of jail free" cards

as long as j-girl's
still got game.

Black: Drago!

Jade: Told ya.

Jackie: Jade!

Drago: Hello, payback.

Jackie: Jade!

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: You Tarzan, me Jade.

(Agents screaming)

(Drago growls)

Drago: Mess with a dragon,

you're gonna get burned!

Jackie: If drago does
not want to help shendu,

then what does he want?

Jade: Hello! Freedom!

Tohru: Perhaps the answer lies

in the alignment of
the "bad chi" stars.

Uncle: Stars, yes,

but also in uncle's bookshelf.

Come, tohru,
we must do research!

Black: I have agents
combing the bay area.

Drago won't get far.

Jade: That overgrown handbag
doesn't stand a chance!

So, cb, what's my assignment?

Jackie: The only assignments

you will be getting
today are at school.

Jade: Ohhh!

(Kids burping)

(Jade burps loud and long)

Kids: All right!

Ms. hardman: Ahem.

Jade: Heh heh. Pardon me?

Black: Looks like t-Rex
Jr.'s catching a catnap.

Jackie: I believe
he is in a trance.

(Cell phone rings)

(Drago growls)

Black: Jackie.

(Ring)

Jackie: Hold, please. Aaah!

(Phone rings)

Jackie: Hello?

Yes, Ms.
hardman, this is Jade's uncle.

Chow: Ready?

Finn: Let's do it.

Finn: Closing time.
Everybody out.

(Children groaning)

Man: don't forget
to wash your hands.

Woman: Let's go, honey.
It's time to go home.

Second man: don't give me that.

Finn: Eww! I hate my job.

Ratso: Wanna switch?

Chow: Come on! Show's over.
Amscray! Get outta here!

Drago: I am drago,
the son of shendu!

Serve me well now
and be at my side

when I rule the world.

Chow: Uh, sorry, kid,

but your old man
kinda burned us.

Ratso: Yeah.
And I got the scars to prove it.

Drago: You're turning me down?

Finn: Look,
all that world domination stuff

just don't pay the rent.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Whaaah!

Drago: Who's next?

Chow: Hey,
money isn't everything.

Drago: Agreed.

Now it's time for
your makeovers.

Chow: Makeovers?

Ratso: But I have
sensitive skin.

All: Yeoww! Aaaah!

Finn: Smokin'!

(Puffs)

Chow: Sweet.

Ratso: Hey, I can make grilled
cheese sandwiches whenever I want!

Finn: So,
what should we steal first?

Chow: Cash? Ratso: Jewels?

Drago: A fan.

Ratso: Oh, boy.

Jade: But what about
freedom of expression?

This is America, you know.

Jackie: Jade,
this has nothing to do with free speech

and everything to do
with self-control.

Promise me, no more burping.

Jade: Fine.

I'll just explode from
all the built-up gas

before I'm 16.

(Truck brakes screech)

Black: Drago's been spotted.

Jackie: Jade, stay here.

Jade: Seriously... Jackie: Aaah!

Jade: don't you ever get
tired of saying that?

Drago: The fan's here somewhere.

I can feel it.

Clear the place out.

Finn: Thought you'd never ask.

(People screaming)

Finn: Stee-rike!

I see a bus pass in your future.

Unhh!

Black: And I see prison
stripes in yours.

Jade: No way!

The enforcers are now
drago's fire flunkies?

Chow: Jackie chan!

Long time, no rumble.

Jackie: I will draw their fire.

You run back to
captain black's truck.

Jade: But Jackie...

Jackie: And no arguments.

(Jade groans)

Chow: Come out,
come out wherever you are.

Jackie: Hyah!

Chow: Aaah!

Ratso: Yeowww!

Black: Claws up, drago.

Drago: With pleasure.

Black: Aaah! Uhh!

Jackie: Unhh!

Jade: Hello! Uncle Jackie?

Drago: Say good-bye, Jade.

(Jade gasps)

Jade: Whoa!

Black: I'll grab Jade.
You find drago.

(Air vent whooshes)

Drago: The fan of the immortals.

(Doorbell rings)

Drago: Unhh!

(Drago exhales)

Drago: Looks like
we'll have to do this

the old-fashioned way.

Black: You boys
need to cool off.

Chow: Aaah! Ratso: Whoa!

Finn: Get ready to
fry, small fry.

Finn: (Groans) Whoaaah!

Oof!

Jade: May I also interest
you in new car scent?

Jade: Hyaaah!

Drago: Unhh!

Black: You two all right?

(Rumbling)

(Drago grunts)

Drago: (Groans)

Get the fan!

Chow: ♪ ah ha ha-ha! ♪

Jackie: All of this for a fan?

Uncle: Not a fan.

The fan of the immortals.

Dragon teeny-bopper
wants to absorb

its powerful wind demon chi.

Jackie: But uncle,

we already defeated
the other 7 demons.

Ow! Ow!

Uncle: Clean wax out of ears.

Uncle said "demon chi,"

not demons themselves.

Tohru, explain research.

Tohru: Thousands of years ago...

An immortal warrior
used a magical fan

to defeat xiao fung,
the wind demon.

But traces of the
wind demon's power

are rumored to have clung to the
fan throughout the centuries,

until...

Jackie: They were
again activated

by the alignment of
the "bad chi" stars

uncle discovered last night.

Jade: So drago busted
out of section 13

in order to double
up on demon powers,

fire and wind.

Uncle: By stealing
fan of the immortals.

Why did you let demon
take immortal fan?!

Jackie: Ohh...
Bad day, bad day, bad day.

Finn: This dump is
home sweet home?

Drago: This is useless!

The wind demon chi has
already been drained from it.

Chow: And that's a bad
thing, right?

All: Yeeowww!

Finn: Uh,
we're gonna let you have

a little alone time now.

Jade: Come on!

Let's get outta here and
stomp those fire th*gs!

Uncle: Do not rush uncle!

Demon chi removal
spell very tricky.

Jade, make yourself useful.

Get ancient Tome à
of warts and toads

from bookcase.

(Stomach grumbles)

(Burps)

Jade: Aaaaaah!

(Crash)

Jackie: Jade?

(Jade whistling)

Ms. hardman: And
early sailing ships

were also affected
by the doldrums.

(Children giggle)

Ms. hardman: The doldrums
are an area of low pressure

with almost no wind at all.

(Children laughing)

(Jade burps loudly)

Ms. hardman: That's
it, young lady!

I am sending you
straight to the...

Nurse's office.

Uncle: Uncle almost finished with
wind demon chi removal spell.

One more thing...

Why has drago not yet
used wind demon powers?

(Cell phone rings)

Jackie: Hello?

Yes, this is Jade's uncle.

Oh.

I will be right there.

The school says Jade
is not feeling well.

I wonder if it
has anything to do

with all those sodas she drinks?

Chow: This guy's worse
than his old man.

Ratso: But he looks so peaceful.

Finn: Yeah. So do cobras,

right before they strike.

Drago: Raaah!

We're going to school.

(School bell rings)

(Children laugh and shout)

Jade: So I'm a
little gassy today.

Blame the cafeteria burritos.

Aaah!

Jade: What's wrong with me?!

(Door creaks open)

Drago: You're short, green,

and a real pain in the butt.

So stick out your chi

and say "aaah."

Jade: I'm warning you...

I don't feel so...

(stomach rumbles)

(Through rushing wind) Good!

All: Aaah! Unhh!

(Shudders)

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Uncle Jackie!

(Jackie gasps)

Jackie: What's happened to you?
Jade: What happened to me?

Jackie: Jade,
tell me you've been fooling around

with uncle's spells.

Jade: No, I swear!

I just looked up and bam!
Toad girl!

Jackie: It's all right.
Uncle will know what to do.

Jade: But what if I'm
a gross-out forever?

Just sitting around,
eating flies,

waiting to croak.

Jackie: Time to leave before
your demon prince arrives.

Drago: I'm gonna need
to see your hall pass.

Jackie: Pardon us, coming through!
Got to run!

(Drago groans)

Drago: Do something!

Jackie: Aah!

Hop on!

Sorry.

Aah! Aah aah! Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Hot!

Drago: Cut off their exit!

(Jackie sighs in relief)

Jade: How did this happen to me?

Jackie: You must have
absorbed the wind demon chi

from the immortal
fan at the car wash.

Jade: Me? The wind demon chi?

So, why am I running?

Jackie: Jade, the longer the
demon chi remains inside you,

the harder it will be
for uncle to remove.

Uncle: Hello, uncles antiques.

Jackie: Uncle,
drago and the enforcers

are at Jade's school and...
yaah!

Uncle: Jackie? Jackie?!

Drago: Sorry,
your minutes have expired.

And now, so will you.

Jade: Fire! (Strong burp)

Drago: Aaah!

Jade: Excuse me... Not!

(Jackie coughs)

Jackie: Uh,
I could use a little fresh air.

Jade: Heh heh. Follow me.

(Flames sizzling)

Finn: Keep chan busy.

Jackie: Jade, run!

Uh, hop... whatever!

Finn: Drago wants
the wind demon chi.

Jade: Isn't he enough
of a blowhard already?

(Burps, wind rushing)

Finn: That is rank!

Aaaah!

Finn and chow: Unhh!

Jade: Hmm,
it's not so bad being green.

Ratso: Yeah?

Unhh!

Jade: Yes! (Gasps)

Uncle Jackie!

Drago: Today's lesson...

Never stand downwind
from a wind demon.

Jade: (Grunts) Get
your claws off me!

Jackie: Hyah!

Jade: Hey, I'm me!

Jackie: But if you're
back to normal,

that means...

Drago: You're all toast!

(Tohru and uncle chanting spell)

Drago: No!

Uncle and tohru: Whoa!

Jackie: Uncle!

Drago still has
his fire demon chi!

Uncle: Removal spell
was for wind demon chi

not fire demon chi.

Pay attention!

Finn: Uh,
little help here, boss.

Drago: Weak and worthless.

You're fired!

All: Aaaaah!

Ratso: Uh,
anybody going by the petting zoo?

Drago: This isn't over.

Jade: Oh, yeah?
Then why are you running away?

Uncle: Because drago
knows 6 other demons

were defeated by immortal
warriors in ancient times.

Tohru: Which means 6
more immortal relics

will have traces of
demon chi on them...

Jackie: And drago will
be seeking them all.

Jade: So we'll just
have to find them first.

Uncle: Or entire world

will be under drago's claw.

Jade: Hey, Jackie,
in your own words, what is chi?

Jackie chan: Everything
is about chi.

It's about...(Exhales)

You're doing this kind of...

(whooping)