05x10 - Weight and See

[bunniefuu]

Tohru: Unh! Oh!

Jade: That's it, big guy.
Only 2 more miles.

Tohru: Oh, I can't...
I can't make it.

Jade: Can't isn't
in our vocabulary.

Feel the burn!

(Tohru groans)

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Jackie!

Jade: What is it, uncle?

Uncle: A drum!

The immortal relic
used to defeat po Kong,

the mountain demon.

Demon chi has been activated!

Jackie: Canada.

Stone walls. Must be Quebec.

It's a walled city.

We'd better move quickly.

After losing the
thunder demon chi,

drago will be more
determined than ever.

(Tohru breathing heavily)

Jade: Going somewhere?

Jackie: Canada.
The mountain demon chi is in Quebec.

Jade: Cool!
I can practice my French.

Croissant, crepe,
creme brulee, baguette.

Tohru: Mmm! Baguette.

Jade: No baguette, tohru!

Think lean and mean protein.

No bread, no pasta, no
rice, no cookies, no cake.

Jackie: No Quebec.

And no argument.

You have a big math test tomorrow.
Remember?

You stay here with tohru.

Jade: Aww. Tohru: Ugh!

(Chi-o-matic sputtering)

Jackie: Is it broken?

Uncle: Not anymore.

Jackie: "Ancient rice and
artifacts collection?"

Rice? I thought we were
searching for a drum.

Maybe that thing is broken.

Maybe it's that new
containment jar.

Uncle: Since when are
you the big-time expert?

New containment
jar not a problem.

Uncle made so device can hold

more than one demon chi at once.

Does not affect the
way detector works.

Now knock.

French woman: Bonjour.

Comment allez-vous
à aujourd'hui?

Jackie: Maybe we should
have brought Jade.

Jackie: Uh... Bonjour.

My name is Jackie chan,

and this is my uncle.

We are from America,

and we are looking
for an ancient drum.

Do you have one?

French woman: Bienvenue.

Entree, entree.

Merci de venir.

Amusez-vous.

Uncle: Uncle knows that
people collect many things...

But rice?

Chopsticks?

Jackie: Wooden chopsticks.

Uncle: Carved from ancient
drumsticks, used to play

immortal drum.

Jackie: But which ones?

Drago: Chan fried rice, anyone?

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Jackie: Drago!

Drago: I'd say it was
good to see you, chan,

but why start the day with a
big, fat lie?

Jackie: Uncle!

The chopsticks!

We will have to take them all!

French woman:
Qu'est-ce à que c'est?

Jackie: Watch out!

Uh, you know,
I never did get your name.

Uncle: Aiiyaaa!

Drago: So how would you like
your uncle to be cooked?

Rare, medium or well-done!

Jackie: Strike.

Uncle: Maybe uncle
should retire?

Drago: Dead end, old man,

in more ways than one.

(Tohru grunting)

Jade: Come on, tohru.

You need to get in shape.

No pain, no gain.

Almost there.

(Tohru grunts)

Jade: Perfect! That was one.

Way to push yourself, dude.

Eating right is cool, you dig?

If you don't,
your butt's too big.

Sorry, pal.

Think lean. But cheer up!

There's a tasty tofu Patty
back home with your name on it.

(Tohru groans)

Jackie: I don't think
I've ever been so tired.

(Yawns)

Uncle: No yawning!

We have work to do!

(Yawns)

Jackie: I know, I know.

We must find which chopsticks

contain the mountain demon chi.

(Uncle yawns)

(Grunts)

Jackie: You falling asleep!

Uncle: Stop pointing finger!

You are the one falling asleep!

Jackie: No, I am wide awake!

But you, you are doing this!

(Imitates yawn)

Uncle: Not sleeping.

Resting eyes.

But maybe tea will help
you keep yours open.

Uncle will put kettle on...

In just a minute.

(Both snoring)

(Stomach growls)

(Stomach growls)

Tohru: I heard you
the first time.

(Both snoring)

Tohru: Ohh, I hate fish...

And tofu Patty.

Mmm. Yummy pork fried rice.

No. Jade said I
should not have rice.

One bite couldn't hurt.

Jade.

Hmm.

Pretty.

(Drago growls)

Drago: I can't believe we're
back in this lame junkyard!

The space needle lair, gone!

The thunder demon chi, gone!

And any faith I ever
had that you 3 were

strong enough to beat Jackie
chan, gone!

Strikemaster ice: Yo, dude,

step off the blame game.

It wasn't our fault.

Drago: Then whose fault was it?!

Mc cobra: Yours?

Drago: You wanna guess again?

Mc cobra: Nah. I'm cool.

Drago: I'm through losing
everything to Jackie chan.

I want that mountain demon chi.

And then it's payback time.

Oh, yeah, it's gonna be something
chan's never gonna forget.

Hear what I'm sayin'?!

But first thing's first.

Strikemaster ice: Uh,
are we supposed to follow him or what?

Both: Huh?

Jade: 5 pounds?!

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Jackie: Mommy!

Jade: How did you gain
5 pounds in 2 days?

You've been cheating on your
diet, haven't you?

Haven't you?!

You know what that means.

Tohru: No! No, please.
Not push-ups.

Jade: Drop and give me 20!

Tohru: That scale's an antique.

Perhaps it is defective.

Uncle: Nothing in uncle's
shop is defective!

(Chi-o-matic sputters)

Jackie: Make that
almost nothing.

Uncle: Detector not defective,

just temperamental.

Now hurry and dig
through the chopsticks.

We are behind schedule
because you fell asleep.

Jackie: So did you.

Uncle: Uncle merely
resting brain.

Jackie: How is it possible?

None of these chopsticks
contain the demon chi?

Uncle: Maybe you dropped pair?

Jackie: I did not drop anything.

Besides you were the
one holding the bag.

Just admit it. I'm right.

That machine of yours
has gone haywire.

Uncle: Uncle not saying yes.
Uncle not saying no.

Uncle not saying haywire.

Uncle will run test.

Happy?

Jade: You've got
to be kidding me!

7 more pounds in one day?

Don't even try to tell
me you're not cheating,

'cause I know you are!

Tohru: I may have been...
Snacking.

Jade: On what, concrete?

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Uncle's been robbed!

Jackie: What did they take?
Ancient carvings, rare paintings?

Uncle: Bagels!

Jackie: Bagels? Jade: Bagels.

Uncle: Doughnuts, soup,
hummus, everything's gone!

Jackie: What kind of
thief steals only food?

Uncle: Hungry thief.

Calling police.

Put out apb for
uncle's cream cheese.

Jackie: Uncle,
the police don't have time

to track down your...

Jade: Besides there is no thief.

It was just tohru...

Cheating on his diet.

He's gained 7 pounds
since yesterday!

Tohru: Maybe I'm
retaining a little water.

Jade: Yeah, maybe you're
retaining the pacific ocean.

Drago: This is more like it!

The right crib.
Makes all the difference.

Strikemaster ice: Place
rocks, d-man!

Mc cobra: Yeah,
and these night vision things

are off the hook!

Drago: If you think
this is sweet,

just wait'll we bring
it to the chans!

Strikemaster ice:
Bring on the hurt...

Mc cobra: Bring on the pain!

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
so what's the plan, d-dude?

Drago: Surprise attack
on the antique shop

owned by chan's uncle.

Strikemaster ice: Cool.
Hit 'em on their own turf.

Drago: We're gonna
take down the chans,

take down section 13,

and then all the demon
chi will finally be mine!

It's gonna be my turn
to call the shots!

Strikemaster ice: For
reals, homes.

Security guard:
Hey, who's in there?

Drago: We don't need any
unnecessary heat right now.

Meeting adjourned.

Don't forget the swag.

Jackie: Uncle, it's very late.

Are you all right?

Uncle: Uncle is fine.

And so is chi detector.

Chopsticks do not have
mountain demon chi.

Jackie: Then where did it go?

Jade: I knew it.

He is so weak.

Whoa! So not nutritious.

Tohru: Food!

Jade: Aah! Aah! Jackie! Uncle!

Uncle: Why can't niece
use indoor voice?

Jade: Told ya.
It's like he's a giant trash compactor.

(Jackie gasps)

Uncle: Not trash!
Priceless antiques!

Drago: Approaching
target of opportunity.

200 yards and closing.

Continue stealth mode.

Mc cobra: Why is he
talkin' into the headset?

Yo, we're right here.

Strikemaster ice:
Dude's into protocol.

Drago: The chans will
never see this coming.

Or anything else ever again.

Take no prisoners.

Jackie: I don't know
how it happened,

but tohru must have absorbed
the mountain demon chi.

Jade: Ya think?

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Han dynasty noodle cabinet!

Tohru, uncle's shop is not
an all you can eat buffet!

No! Stop!
Not Tibetan prayer table!

Cost uncle small fortune!

Jackie: Uncle!
Forget about the table!

We need to remove.
The demon chi from tohru.

Uncle: How about
plastic mahjong set?

Much better for digestion!

Jade: Whoa. Looks like tohru's
done with the appetizers.

Jackie: And moving on
to the main course.

Uncle: Uncle's afraid today's
special is San Francisco!

Jade: Hurry! We must remove the
mountain demon chi from tohru

before he turns the entire
city into breakfast!

All: Whaa! Hyah!

Drago: Game over, chan!

Strikemaster ice: Whoa! Looks like
somebody already crizzashed this partay!

Mc cobra: Drag.

Drago: Grrr!

I smell demon chi.

Jackie: Tohru, stop!

Jade: Whoa!
He is so gonna have heartburn.

Uncle: Too far away.
Must get closer!

Jackie: Aah!

Oh, no! Not now!

Ow!

Bad day, bad day.

Jade!

Uncle: Aiiyaa!

Jade: Aah! Aah!

Tohru: Jade.

Jade: Aah!

Drago: It's over, chan!

Your family tree is
about to be chopped down!

Strikemaster ice: Whoa!
Earthquake?

Jade: Tohru quake!

(Tohru grunting)

Tohru: Arrgh! (Snorts)

All: Aah!

Drago: Yo,
jolly green freak show!

You've got something
that belongs to me,

and I want it back!

(All grunting)

Uncle: Jackie! The blowfish!

Jackie: Whoa!

Jade, stay here.

Jade: This time, I think I will.

(Uncle chanting in Chinese)

Jackie: Uncle!

Wait!

If you remove the mountain
demon chi from tohru,

he will be crushed!

Jackie: No! Tohru!

Tohru: Ugh!

Drago: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

(Uncle chanting in Chinese)

Drago: No!

Drago: You're
gonna pay for that!

Uncle: Uncle doesn't have cash.

How about I.O.U.?

(Chanting in Chinese)

Drago: Aah!

(Uncle chanting)

Tohru: Ugh! What's happening?

Jackie: Uncle is trying to
remove drago's fire power.

Jade: Yes!

(Uncle chanting)

Drago: Aghh!

Ugh!

My fire power!

This isn't over!

Jackie: Actually...
I think it is.

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
don't sweat it, d-man.

We got your back!

Jade: Ooh! Uncle really put
drago's fire breath on ice!

Jackie: And now.
- Section 13 will finally have

all the demon chi
powers under control.

(Tohru burping)

Tohru: Ooh, sorry.

Must've been something I ate.

Jade: Yeah, well,
I hope you enjoyed your little binge,

'cause from here on out,
I have 2 words for you.

Celery sticks.

And don't think that just because
you saved us and everything

you get to skip your workout tomorrow,
'cause that's not gonna happen.

Tohru: Unhh!

Jade: Hey, Jackie,
have you ever flown a plane?

Jackie: Actually, I did.

Not the commercial one,
of course, the private jet,

with the pilot and the
copilot let me to drive.

But I'd really like
to learn helicopter.