Group (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(ambient music)

(logo exploding)

(ambient music)

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(ambient music continues)

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to the Ashore Group of Users, Inc.

First of all,

let's all thank Dan for generously agreeing

to host tonight's meeting.

Thank you, Dan.

[Attendees] Thanks, Dan.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

I am an addict and my name is Tommy.

[Attendees] Hi, Tommy.

Thank you all.

Now remember these unfortunate truths.

First, our pain doesn't always

have an obvious source.

Second, sadly,

the conflicts that we face in our lives

rarely have the resolutions we want.

As always,

I want to thank each

and everyone in this room

for being here, for taking

this very crucial step

towards your ultimate goal of recovery.

Now tonight, we are

doing a round robin format,

not a tag format.

So we are going one at a time, in order,

clockwise, one person to the next.

No calling on anyone,

just one at a time in a

nice, orderly manner.

There's one must that

applies to everyone attending

that no drugs or paraphernalia

be on your person in these meetings.

Now if you do have anything

like that anywhere but in your system,

need you to take it outside, leave it,

and then you'll be welcome back in.

Finally, and most importantly,

no one is to disrespect anyone else here.

We do not judge each other in this place

because you are taking the first step

toward helping the most

important addict in your life,

yourself.

Now I want to remind everyone

that we should refrain from any crosstalk.

We want to be constructive, helpful.

Any questions before we begin?

(jarring instrumental music)

(coughing) I'm Matt and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Matt.

It's been four days since I last used

and if I wasn't in trial

and closing tomorrow,

I probably would've

used most of those days.

I definitely would've used today.

(sighing)

I don't

wanna be a guy who uses,

and more importantly,

I really don't want my kids

to have a father that uses.

I mean, yeah, professionally,

it hasn't been too detrimental,

but personally it has been.

And my wife,

she just really wants

me to stop using entirely.

But I have to work. I

have to support my family,

but I don't think I could

do my job effectively

without the help.

How do you know that?

Excuse me?

I said, how do you know?

[Tommy] Mm-mm.

Because I've never done it without them

and I'm f*cking good at what I do, okay?

I mean,

first semester of law school

and I couldn't sleep at all.

Stressed, constant study,

worried I was gonna flunk out.

I was

fooling around with this girl, classmate.

So she hands me this little

white pill, tells me to take it.

So I take it,

chase it with like 10th

Red Bull of the night

and I never even ask what it is.

Turns out it was Adderall and,

man, my focus became sharp as hell.

I calmed down, I, no

more wandering thoughts,

no more fatigue, no more loss of interest.

Like everything's great. I

make it through law school.

And like, I mean I'm

still good at what I do,

but now I am this world

class procrastinator

with weird body aches.

I mean, my first major case goes to trial

and it's this guy who's accused

of assaulting several people behind a bar,

then brutally beating

this inmate into a coma.

I mean, knocked his f*cking eye out,

roughed up a couple of guards.

In trial, I am great,

but the weeks leading up to it and whenever

court is adjourned for the

day, I'm f*cking horrible.

I'm a mean son of a b*tch.

I can't turn my mind off for anything

like stupid sh*t, random sh*t.

I gotta acquittal on everything

but the inmate as*ault.

This guy was looking at close to 30 years.

I got him 27 months. I f*cking k*lled it.

I mean, two weeks

later, I had another case,

financial fraud sh*t and full acquittal.

I, this guy was a really important client.

And I took him out for drinks afterwards

and he asked me why I was so high strung

and tense all the time.

And I told him about the Adderall sh*t

and the problems being off it.

Couple drinks in and.

I tell him that I'm burned out completely.

And he says he's got the hookup

for the normal high

dose, quick release sh*t.

And I call the supplement a small bump.

(attendee slurping)

It fixed the problem for a bit,

kept getting results,

personal life was great.

Then the effect were off faster

and faster and faster,

and I just kept feeling more

and more like complete sh*t.

My wife and I got into

this (suspenseful music)

Massive fight.

She told me to give up the drugs

and I did not take it well.

Then

she tells me I should give up the job too,

the job that pays for her f*cking life

and our daughter's private

nanny that she just has

to f*cking have this uptight,

judgmental, miserable,

shrill woman who openly

judges everything we do

and treats me like sh*t,

even though my wife is the as*h*le to her

and I'm the one who f*cking pays her.

[Tommy] Matt, let's try

to keep it on track, man.

(sighing) Sorry, yeah.

(attendee slurping)

So,

I bumped on the way home

because it'd been a really f*cking long day

and I had to get this brief filed

in federal court when I got

home and the sh*t had worn off

by that point and my head was throbbing

and I just,

I just felt like I was going to explode.

So when she made the job comment,

I said the most

vile sh*t to her.

So she attacked me, rightly,

and I just reacted.

I, I, I,

I shoved her off me

reflexively and she hit the wall.

(tense music)

But I was so enraged that I just,

I punched the wall right beside her hard

and my daughter saw it all.

(suspenseful music)

Anger therapy has helped.

I don't feel

guilty any longer about

not being there for my clients.

Your f*cking clients?

[Tommy] Sullie.

You, you treat your wife like sh*t

and you traumatize your daughter all

because she wants you

to cut back on the coke and,

and take a vacation from

getting kid touchers out of jail

and you feel guilty to the f*cking scumbags

that you... No.

[Attendee] No crosstalk, Sullie.

That's enough, both of you.

This is not constructive or helpful.

We are all here because

we are addicts and we suffer.

We have all made mistakes.

We are not here to judge

each other for our past mistakes.

We are here to help each

other control our futures.

f*ck it. Yeah, sorry.

Okay, folks. Moving on now.

Would you please introduce yourself?

(piano music)

(clearing throat) My name

is Jackie and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Jackie.

It's been almost six and

a half years since I last

used,

but every single day of those six years.

I have wanted to use.

(sighing) I, I wanna use right now

and I should be thrown

in a f*cking pit for that

because the last time I used

my son barely survived.

(sniffling)

(sighing)

I was an expert mixer.

Anything you gave me,

I could mix it with gallons

of vodka or gin or tequila

or whatever sh*t beer

my husband had on hand.

Basically, I mixed booze with life.

I've always hated Christmas.

When I became a mom,

it became this pressure-packed obligation

on top of something I hated.

I work as a line producer

for a couple shows at any given time,

but Thanksgiving hits and the industry

f*cking shuts down for like six weeks.

So you don't have that distraction of work,

and the holiday is like a weighted vest.

But you know those first couple weeks

after Christmas stuff too,

the kids are home, the

decorations have to come down,

you're feeling every meal of the holiday

and then New Year's comes around

and he remembers all

those New Years you had,

the reckless ones.

You know those New Year's eve parties

where you know you're going for like months

but you're not seeing anyone

and you don't have a date but you,

you're gonna kiss someone

when the ball drops.

Those were the best. (Sighs)

And when you're there you don't think.

Well, I was really that

back at the end of 2016,

more so than other years.

It was a bad f*cking year.

Trump happened

and my son was in that

stage, four years old,

where he could learn and

do but never f*cking listen.

But my husband was running double shifts

for some commercial sh**t over the holidays

and it was just me and our son

and our nine month old daughter.

And our son,

our son just did everything.

I told him not to, went

everywhere I told him not to.

Eleanor was a rough delivery.

They put me on paracetamol

but it didn't help the pain at all.

Even when Ellie slept,

I was in too much pain to take advantage.

Ellie wasn't gonna breastfeed,

so medicine wasn't much worry.

They kept me on paracetamol

and they added dihydrocodeine to it.

It made me nauseous,

so they switched it to straight codeine.

And of course, I was drinking.

I was sleep deprived.

My doctors just upped the dosage

anytime I mentioned

feeling unusually depressed.

[Attendee] So dead.

So that New Year's,

I was already dreading

what 2017 would mean.

I had just brought a

daughter into the world

and that f*cking joke

was about to be president.

Here we go.

The pain of knowing that was

like another child I had to care for.

Paul had been in terror

for two straight days.

Ellie was sleeping for the first time and,

f*ck, it felt like weeks!

And still, I couldn't sleep!

I popped six of those f*cking codeine

with a mouthful of Tito's.

I chased that with a couple

screwdrivers light on the OJ and.

I passed out.

(jarring electronic music)

I woke up to the screaming!

I ran out the door.

Paul was screaming, just scream!

(wailing)

(jarring electronic music)

Two broken legs.

They told me he was lucky.

(sobbing)

(sniffling)

I haven't drank or taken

any medication since

and I haven't missed a single group.

And I want to be proud of that,

but the thing is,

Paul is 10 now

and he seems fine,

but I wanna be sober when

he graduates from high school.

And I sit him down alone

and apologize to him for

failing

him so badly.

And I hope to hell he forgives me.

(sniffling)

Thank you. Jackie.

Would you please introduce yourself?

(quirky energetic music)

No break after that one?

Okay.

Hi, I'm Tricia.

I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Tricia.

It's been about

three to four days since I last used.

I don't

wanna stop using per se.

I want to

not need to use.

Hmm. Can you

explain that a little, Tricia?

Oh yeah, absolutely.

So I started selling my pictures

four, five years,

five years ago.

And they're nothing.

Medium interest maybe.

Well, I guess there, I guess

there was a lot of interest,

but it wasn't

because of my art,

it was because my art

has naked women in it.

I was a lit major.

I was a candidate for

Fulbright, for my poetry.

Poetry is, is just, it's like my passion.

I, I first found my muse in nature.

I would go for a walk,

see something beautiful,

make a note of it, and then

write him a poem about it later.

I was walking on this trail one day

and there was this puddle.

It was one of those

puddles that kinda like hangs

around a while after it rains.

There was like a lot of

puddles like that on this trail,

but I only looked down

'cause I didn't wanna step

in a nasty puddle and get

my shoes wet, you know?

And when I looked down, I

saw it and it was clear and still,

and I raised my camera to

my eyes and I got the shot

and it looked so amazing

on my camera screen.

But I like sped walk back to my dorm

and I uploaded to my

computer and there it was, it was,

it was this raven sitting

on this gnarled tree branch

looking like regally off into the distance.

And there was this cloud

that was shaped like a heart

forming behind it and it was

all reflected in this puddle.

And it was so beautiful,

but a poem would not f*cking come to mind.

That sounds tragic.

Shut the f*ck up. You

look like you still listen to 311.

So I, I went to the computer lab

and I printed out some copies

and I stared at those

things for f*cking ever.

And, and eventually inspiration came,

but then I wrote the

poem right onto the picture.

And that's how "Raven's Dream,"

which was one of my poems, came to life.

Whoa, you wrote "Raven's Dream"?

Your tr

Ah, no real names. We protect

each other's anonymity here.

Go ahead, Tricia.

Oh, that's all right.

So that's where I got the idea.

[Ricky] So sorry guys.

That's all right.

That's, that's where I got the idea

to write my poems right onto the pictures.

And, you know, it did

well academically, but I,

I couldn't make a living off of it

outside of like academic circles.

I was walking

down a lakeside trail one day.

They weaved outta the

woods and then it would go in

between these like lakeside

hill houses and then the water.

These houses had a lot of

windows that faced the water.

And during the morning,

day, early afternoon,

you couldn't see anything in these windows.

But once the sun like dipped down

on like the west side of the

lake, you could see right in.

And I looked up.

You know, you always,

you always gotta look up.

And I saw this woman standing there.

There was no blinds, there was no curtains.

Her lights were on so she

couldn't see anything out,

but I could see in.

She was completely naked

and f*cking absolutely beautiful.

And I, I raised my camera to my eyes

and you know, I could tell, like again,

she couldn't see me,

but I couldn't see her.

I, I didn't take the picture.

I, I wanted to, but, you know, I didn't.

And that was that.

I started taking photos of nude models

and then writing my

poetry on blown up images.

And, you know,

you gotta post on social

media in order to get your art out.

So that's how NTB Foa tree

was born, you know?

My roommate,

she was my model through a lot of college.

She was a graphic designs

major and a marketing minor.

And she was the one who

helped me start my Instagram.

And, you know, long story short, I,

I became a f*cking influencer

instead of a poet or even a photographer.

These poems, they take a,

they take a long time to compose

and the photos and the models

take forever to book and set up

and 95% of what I get

is completely unusable.

And on top of that,

I have to make these social media posts

and monetize them in

order to make a living.

I became exhausted.

And then more exhausted.

And then I couldn't work

because I was seriously f*cking exhausted.

(tense music)

So my boyfriend,

he gave me some coke

and that worked

until it didn't.

And one day he cuts me a line

and he tells me that it's

some really good stuff

and I snort it and immediately it felt

like my eye was about to

pop out of my f*cking skull.

And I panicked.

But like after a minute

I calmed down and I

wasn't exhausted anymore.

So I asked him, what, like,

"What was up with that coke?"

And he told me, "It was crystal."

(tense music)

One rail and I was up for three days

with no high.

Yay me.

But three days after,

I came down and I was

f*cking useless for a week.

Another rail, boom, three

days of f*cking amazing work,

and then another week of just misery.

I tried to do it without the Tina,

but the exhaustion overcame any

f*cking motivation or capacity for

coherent thought that I may have.

So Tina and I are like conjoined twins

when it comes to my poetry.

And then the four to five

days after when I come down,

I feel like absolute sh*t,

exhausted,

insecure,

suicidal.

I can't do my art without it.

f*ck! God, I'm lame.

I used to be able to,

and all I want

is to be able,

to be able do that again.

So that's me, yeah. (Chuckles)

(attendee scoffing)

Excuse me. You can keep

your comments to yourself.

A f*cking influencer, seriously?

At least these other losers have real jobs.

I don't know who you

are, but you don't know me.

You don't get to judge.

You're here just like I am.

- My problem is

that I'm forced to be in a room

with all these f*cking rejects

because my c**t of an ex-husband

You do not disrespect any

of the members of this group.

You will treat everyone with decency,

respect and common courtesy.

[Attendee] That's right.

Yeah, great. Excellent.

Let's just keep moving.

You're all great. I'm special.

Let's just get this sh*t over with.

(objects clattering)

(bright music)

Hey, everybody. I'm

Ricky and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Ricky.

So in my previous life I was a paralegal

for let's just say a really big law firm.

And they took on mostly

major personal injury cases

and the paralegals

and even some of the

newer attorneys were sent out

to take a lot of photos of

places the accidents took place.

So that was a lot of rundown

buildings, broken sidewalks,

and like the junkyards

where the cars were

taken after the accidents.

So basically a lot of these places had

like really negative energy

and were filled with people who were,

I really don't like to say

it, but they were toxic.

Anyway, I took the job

with the understanding

they'd be working in the

immigration department, right?

Or if I didn't start there,

at least I'd be able to be

promoted there pretty soon.

But after three years,

I was pretty much just a

glorified stock photographer.

Oh my god. Tricia, I'm so sorry.

I hope that wasn't triggering

for you that I was like paid

to be a photographer, but like,

I wasn't getting paid

because I had any

artistic vision or talent or,

because I was like, you know,

taking photos of naked people.

I was paid because I had

an eye for good evidence

and like could find the purposeful ugliness

and imperfection in things.

Or if anything I would like

find the negative energy

and like distill it into photographic form.

You know what I mean?

Where was I going with this?

Okay, anyway.

So my addiction started off

like one of those cartoons, right,

where someone takes a snowball

and rolls it down a mountain,

but by the time it gets to

the bottom of the mountain,

it's like the size of a house.

So I needed

drinks, like alcoholic ones,

you know what I'm saying,

to get to sleep at night.

And at first it started off

with just like a little nip, you know?

But then I needed more

and by the time I

realized it was a problem,

I was drinking pretty much like

an entire handle to go to sleep.

Why don't you go to AA?

[Tommy] Could we

please stop interrupting?

Oh, it's okay.

Look, I know you're new here,

so you don't know these things,

but I have a medical marijuana card.

So the thing is even though alcohol was

and is my main addiction

led to everything else,

and cannabis is totally natural,

it's really important to me as a vegan,

AA won't let me in unless I

lie about that part of my life.

And that part of my life is inseparable

from my spirituality and my mantra

and lying would defeat the

purpose of getting better.

Really? Lying would defeat the purpose?

Yeah.

If you can't be honest with yourself,

you can't get better.

(attendee laughing)

There's no way you're serious right now.

I, I, I don't understand

what the hostility is,

but yeah, like being

honest is really important.

Of course it is.

That's obvious because you're still here

after nine years or

whatever the f*ck it's been

because you clearly are incapable

of being honest with yourself.

I specifically said no crosstalk.

And you also said a

common needs two weeks ago

that we shouldn't use drugs or alcohol

if we feel we're forced

to be in the closet.

Those were your words, Tom, your words,

What the f*ck did Tommy mean?

You said something like,

"Oh, the closet is where we

go to hide from our, our trauma."

So if we use, it makes

it easier to stay there,

oh, to manage the self loathing we have.

"It makes it feel safer to stay inside."

Weren't those your words, Tom?

Okay, okay. Yes, I did say that.

But in common needs,

we have a specific goal for everyone

beyond just addiction, generally.

I think that I... Wait.

What are you implying? I, I...

- Oh honey,

I'm simply stating

that you're so f*cking deep in the closet

I'm surprised you found your way out

in time for this meeting.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Sweetheart, two things.

One, Otto Anylegalwits here is g*y.

And two,

you're more allergic to

d*ck than he pretends to be.

Goddammit, Joe.

What's the matter with you?

What the is wrong with you?

You know this pisses you off

because you probably

declared with your first breath,

but you should be proud

and so should he, and possibly her.

Okay, you know what?

Joe, you're on a journey

and we, each one of

us, we're on our journey.

So respect the tenets of this group.

If you have something

constructive to say, say it,

but don't come in with

these little insecure attacks

and maybe don't

project your sexual

fantasies onto other people.

Oh, excuse me?

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Excuse me.

I need you to calm down, okay?

Ricky, please continue.

Thank you.

Anyway.

- I said at the beginning of the meeting.

As I was saying,

the avalanche of my

addiction started with drinking.

I would dread getting up in the morning.

I would dread putting on that suit

or just walking out that door.

Drinking at night led to k*ller hangovers

in the morning and a bad f*cking attitude.

I would go work at an office

that I hated eight hours a day

or I'd be sent off to go to

the site of some tragedy

to photo document the worst

day of somebody else's life.

The only solution I

found was to drink more.

I was still on time, kept showing up,

but I, I wasn't really there. (Tense music)

I wasn't really present.

I don't know. No one noticed.

I looked like sh*t.

Kept, kept going, right? (Tense music)

But I got sloppy.

I went on the fire escape

and I didn't even look out there really.

If I had, I would've

seen that it was rusted.

The second step I took,

my right leg pretty much

went straight through it.

(tense music)

It basically degloved

the muscles on my calf.

[Attendee] Oh, snap.

And they sewed up my

new road-map-looking leg

and gave me a bottomless

script of Oxycodone.

I took it as directed

for the first few hours,

then I chased it with a bottle of alcohol.

Then I took more than directed,

about three to five times more.

Took a matter of days,

and then I was hooked.

I became a full-fledged

addict pretty quickly.

I was off work.

They gave me sh*t about workers' comp,

but that was fine 'cause I,

I pretty much decided I

was never going back there.

And I pretty much found

the energy to go to the doctor,

get the script and haul

my a*s to the liquor store.

That was about it.

I would've done anything

just to get those pills.

The money didn't last.

Crashed on friend's couches.

We'd shoved my own mother,

even took money from

her purse a couple of times.

(tense music)

One day,

somehow I had no memory of how,

but I woke up in a hospital bed

and I, I freaked out.

I, I just knew I never

wanted to end up back there.

I went through days of withdrawal and

took me weeks to look

like my normal self again

and years of recovery

and coming to this group

and following its tenets.

So,

now I do a lot of things.

I teach yoga.

I sell tinctures and supplements

on Etsy that I make myself.

And I even do reiki.

Some of you might have

heard of it, Reiki with Ricky.

It's my handle on a lot of things,

and yeah, I'm doing pretty well.

Thank you so much

for sharing with us, Ricky.

(instrumental music)

Good evening everybody.

My name is Haulston and.

I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Haulston.

(clearing throat) I

am a rising senior at.

I, let's just say one

of the colleges in the

greater Philadelphia metropolitan area.

I was fifth in Rushing last year for that.

That doesn't matter.

Anyway, if I want to match

those numbers, my senior year,

I, I, my, my dad and my coach said that I,

I just have to do better.

That's the bottom line.

So you're still in

school, still on the team?

Oh, yes ma'am. Yeah.

I'm, I'm committed to doing

better and I will do better.

There won't be no more issues outta me.

My girlfriend is a Delta.

She's at a sorority on campus.

She's a, she's a sister there.

And they were having this party

and you know, I, I

love my girlfriend a lot,

but man, I hate those

parties. (Chill music)

Yeah, it, it's like, you know, the people,

guys and ladies, they,

they, they want you to, to,

to do all this stuff that

you don't wanna do.

And, and, and they're all acting like,

I mean, they're kinda like assholes

and they want you to do

keg stands and shots of Jager

and all this other stupid sh*t I hate.

And these f*cking games,

I, I hate every one of

these stupid f*cking games.

Never have I ever, what

the f*ck is that, right? Okay.

So my girlfriend, you know,

shoplifted a pair of Keds

from Foot Locker when she was seven

and got finger blasted by Drexel freshman

and his cousin when she was 17.

I don't care.

Why the f*ck do, do,

do all of her sorority sisters

and half the football team

and everybody from Sigma

Beta need to know about it.

You know what I mean?

How is this relevant?

[Tommy] Just to let him have his process.

Oh, sorry ma'am.

So (sighing) I started

passing this bong around

and yeah, I'd never smoked before,

but everybody was smoking and I felt

trapped.

I, I, I know how that sounds,

but when, when people

start like talking at me, I,

you know, I, I don't wanna be rude,

so I, I, I try to be polite.

Well, actually I try to, I try

to avoid those situations,

but I, I couldn't.

It's a, it's a, it's a

personal failing of mine.

I know that.

But when I'm feeling,

like socially trapped,

I, I get really anxious and I, I end up,

you know, I end up

doing all this stupid stuff

that I don't want to do.

Are you here for weed?

The bong was passed to

me and I took a hit, ma'am.

I started coughing like a

fool and I wasn't about that.

So I, you know,

I was fixing to get it

right and get outta there.

So I, I hit it, I hit it again and I,

I inhaled real deep... f*cking hay scene.

Pardon me?

Just keep telling your

harrowing tale there.

Ma'am, you could wear

the horns off a billy goat.

f*ck's sake.

Stop that. Go on, Haulston.

Well, you know, it

didn't sit well with me.

I mean, I didn't take to it at all

and I just tore plumb out the frame

for like six or seven hours

(sighing) and I just,

I just started acting a fool

in the house, you know?

But everybody was too drunk

or too high to think it was any trouble.

And those people, they just encouraged it.

Yeah, I started,

that's when I started seeing stuff weird,

like wrong, you know?

But I tried to, I tried to, you know,

laugh, enjoy my way through it, you know,

going with the flow, playing along.

I did the dumb dancing in

the living room with all the,

all the couches pushed up against the wall,

did the stupid funneling, now

shotgun PBRs with everybody.

And that whole time I was thinking,

what are those ribbons for?

Are those real?

Like, do they actually win those?

When and why?

If the beer tastes like cat piss,

did they win anything at all?

Were, were they the first beer?

I dunno, you know.

So anyway,

(clearing throat) I

started feeling really sick

and.

I don't know, I thought I was

gonna throw up right there.

So I ran out the front door

onto one of the main campus drives and,

and that's when the world started spinning.

I got this idea

that everyone in the world

knew what I had done.

And somehow I got an idea that, that my,

my mom knew what I had

done and she was there

and she was ready to yanking on my tail

for being so f*cking stupid.

And then this campus

security officer came up and,

and I'm not, I don't like really

remember what happened,

but I gave him this big hug for no reason

and sort of tackled him to the ground.

I was laughing like a loon the whole time

(clearing throat) while

all this sudden movement,

you know, made me sick.

And I, (sighing)

I threw up all over everything

(atmospheric music)

And then I sort of just wandered off

until campus security picked me up,

took me to the campus infirmary.

The officer was, he was fine.

Just really upset, obviously.

I came to it the next day

in a, in a world of hurt,

in a world of trouble.

I was looking up at my coach,

Chief of Campus Police was next to him

and they had my dad on speaker phone.

Coach took charge,

told my doctor to go f*ck herself

and had me out on field

running laps within two hours.

He, he just kept yelling

anti-g*y slurs at me

and saying that he wished my dad would

do us all a favor and come

up and beat me to death.

You know, last thing he said to me

before he made me clean all the vomit

that ruined his field was

that he hoped it felt great

letting my 62 closest brothers down.

Yeah, my,

my girlfriend thought

the whole f*cking thing was hilarious too.

(clapping) Well, so my dad

comes up from Jonesboro 16 hours

so he can make sure that I get

the riot act read to me in person.

And daddy issues.

You know, first thing he

said to me was, "Boy, you're,

you're about as welcome home as UALR."

Oh, that's University

of Arkansas Little Rock.

It's rival to ASU Jonesboro.

Well, yeah, it's a,

it's a horrible thing to say

to somebody, you know,

that they're the enemy to

the pride of your hometown.

Next thing he said to me was that the,

that the town hadn't

been this upset since '98

and the whole Craighead County mess.

f*cking (faintly speaking).

So he came and he worked it out.

He said he talked to the

coach and to the president

and he worked it out.

I will skip the bulk of it,

but one of the conditions

is that I come here and,

you know, have Mr., have

Tommy sign my sheet,

you know, tell him

everything that happened,

make sure he criticizes my use and,

and, and tells me what I need to do to

stop being a pathetic, stupid,

selfish addict.

So I'm here to atone

for letting down my friends

and my family and my town (solemn music)

And to make sure that I never

make the same mistake again.

(clearing throat) If I succeed,

I get to remain in class and on the team.

So hopefully I can learn from y'all

and become more deserving of my blessings.

Thank you for listening to

my story and, and for your time.

None of that addict sh*t is true.

Know that 1998 reference is deplorable.

You smoked weed once.

Yes ma'am.

Sir, (clearing throat) sir?

(paper crinkling)

- [Attendee] Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's a joke.

Hey, Haulston.

Hmm?

f*ck 'em.

[Tommy] Here you go. Great job.

[Haulston] Yeah. Yes, sir.

(jarring electronic music)

(sighing) Hello everyone.

My name is Rena and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Rena.

I've been using fairly

consistently now for about

seven years now.

I'm from Hungary.

When I first came to the country

I couldn't speak any English.

Still can.

So I learned the language

through school and music,

which is a wonderful educator

of language and communication.

So I joined the band

as soon as I became old

and resourceful enough to do so,

even though my parents said, "No."

Well, we kind booked a couple gigs here,

but we really took off in Europe.

Like we actually toured

and like sold records

and had all these amazing

equipment and awesome amps.

And I had these f*cking

amazing like outfits

that I would just wear off stage

and I was just young and

stupid enough to not even realize

and just wear them for like days straight.

My dream of living this

tragic and just, I don't know,

depressed rock star life was my reality

and I was just willing to try anything

and everything, even death.

And I pretty much did.

But coke is what stuck

around and I loved it.

I still love it.

It just doesn't love me very much.

I use a lot, I do. (Sniffling)

And it hurts to do it,

but it hurts not to do it too.

So I crave it all the time right now.

(sighing) I'll do a bump in the morning

and feel better for about 20 minutes

and then I just feel worse.

(film strip machine clicking)

I mostly do it for just maintenance now.

I do a little to sleep

and then I just do a

lot more to perform well.

I used to date our lead guitarist.

We were serious for a long time.

And then one night after a show,

we were bumping on stage, you know,

and then I could just feel the coke

taking a toll on my throat.

It was burning. So I did some more.

And that beautiful

drip just helps soothe it.

(atmospheric music)

We went hard that night

and there were some girls

backstage who wanted to party

and when you're flying that

high, you know, two is a party,

three is a party and four

is an even bigger party.

I had no idea what was going on,

but that sh*t wears off.

So several eventful hours later.

I woke up to my throat burning,

my eyes hurting, my head aching.

So I decided to confront my ex

about the dangers of

the lifestyle we were living.

And I just knew I couldn't lead

the life we were leading anymore.

He wasn't receptive.

So I left the band and I came back home.

Now I lead a band here.

We have a couple shows in the northeast

and I write music for other artists

and I give singing lessons

and music lessons

remotely every now and then.

But I guess deep down,

I never really got over leaving that band.

And I mean, I let it

control me and it cost me.

And I mean, my use has gone down a lot,

but I feel like I just need to learn

how to cope with life better.

Jesus Christ. What pressure do you have?

What do you have to cope with?

- Allie. Allie!

You show up here with your

ear buds in, sunglasses on.

Allie!

You need to stop making noises and gestures

while other people are speaking.

What f*cking difference does it make?

No one can understand these two anyway.

Oh, and that f*cking mask?

You snort random sh*t up your nose,

but our germs bother you?

You come in here hiding

everything but your f*cking forehead

so you don't have to talk to any of us

so you don't, can't hear any of us

as if we're not worthy

of seeing your beauty.

[Sullie] Yeah, being a hot rock star

just doesn't seem

like that big of an issue.

Dipshit over here is pretty

typical of most guys, right?

[Sullie] They wish.

Yeah, well, exactly my point.

So if I don't wear a mask and I smile,

men take it as an invitation to talk to me

and I better be f*cking

nice and friendly to them.

Because if I'm not,

you never know if the

guy you're walking next to,

or sit next to you is a f*cking psycho.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And if I don't smile,

then they take it as an invitation to ask,

oh, why a pretty girl

like you is not smiling.

And then I better start

smiling and be f*cking friendly

for the same exact f*cking reason.

(tense music)

So yes,

I started wearing sunglasses and headphones

because they are visible

and it tells them that I cannot hear them.

And then the pandemic made it safe

but also normal to wear a mask.

And yes, I took advantage (tense music)

Because

there's nothing more dangerous

when a man finds you attractive

'cause when they find you attractive

they feel that you're obligated

to be friendly and nice to them

because if you're not, you are a b*tch.

Or even worse, you've offended them.

Hmm.

And let me just say one thing,

there is nothing more dangerous

than a tiny d*ck feeling

like he is offended.

And on the other hand,

when a certain kinda

woman find you attractive

and thinks that other

men find you attractive,

she'll treat you like

sh*t, like you just did.

You should just know better

because you were absolutely stunning

until you opened your f*cking mouth.

(tense music)

(sighing)

(atmospheric music)

Good evening everyone.

(atmospheric music)

My name is.

Dan.

I'm an addict Dan.

[Attendees] Hi, Dan.

It's been a long...

f*ck!

Can't do this.

He's not ready.

[Tommy] It's okay, Dan.

We'll get there together.

[Allie] So he doesn't have to talk?

[Sullie] Nope.

So he's done right?

Sullie, blow it out your

(energetic violin music)

(wrapper crinkling)

(chips crunching)

(wrapper crinkling)

(wrapper crinkling)

Hello everyone.

My name is, oh f*ck, (object clattering)

My name is Sullie and

apparently I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Sullie.

(Rena speaking in foreign language)

Yeah.

I use daily.

Bottom line is I have to

and it's prescription sh*t.

You know, doctor still writes

out the prescriptions for me,

even though my old sergeants tell me

I used to abuse this stuff,

but I can't be too bad of an ab*ser, right?

Yeah, you know, as long

as I keep coming here

every couple weeks for the next six months,

a DUI that could exist and

charged will have never existed.

Of course. (Chuckles)

[Allie] Someone gets it.

And that same non-existent

DUI was for taking drugs

that I was prescribed

after a night shift too.

My back was f*cking k*lling me.

So I chewed on a few

Vicodin just to get through it

and I totally missed the stop sign.

We had those new body

cam rigs a few years back.

The guy that got me

didn't really have a choice

in case the video got out.

But we talked, made some things work.

Yeah, I come here, it goes away,

and that's that. (Slurping)

I, I responded to a domestic abuse call.

They're always the most

dangerous situations,

but in reality,

the likelihood of encountering anything

remotely threatening

(film strip machine whirring)

Is very, very low.

(soothing music) (film

strip machine whirring)

I responded to the call.

I had just knocked on the door

when the f*cking thing

exploded outward from the inside.

I didn't even really register

what happened before I'd been shot

three times in the chest inside.

Christ.

You know, the funny thing is the g*nshots

didn't really have all that

much of an effect on me.

I mean, yeah, they didn't feel great.

Surgery sucked and

the recovery was a b*tch.

All that happy horse sh*t but

(film strip machine whirring)

(atmospheric music)

The thing that really

f*cked me was my back.

I had fallen funny.

So between that and the

lowest shot, it was just f*cked.

Of course.

The pain was unbearable. It still is.

I couldn't hide it or beat it,

but even still, I went back to

work pretty much immediately.

There's no point in wallowing around.

(atmospheric music)

But I was always having to walk with a,

a stiffness or a limp

in my left leg because,

(sighs) f*ck, the pain.

And I still have to sit or prop myself up

in such a way that the left side of my body

is leaning against something.

You know, like a chair or a desk,

counter, a f*cking door frame, a wall,

just whatever is handy to

get the weight off the leg.

And I used to wince

a lot. I still do actually.

From what I understand

it's pretty noticeable,

but it's all just reflex at this point.

You know, like when you

bump into someone and say,

"Ow," even though it

doesn't hurt, sort of thing.

I can't stand going to bed every night

because I know how bad

it's gonna hurt in the morning.

But yeah, once I'm done

with these last few sessions,

I am done and I'll keep taking my pills

'cause I do my job and

I am good at what I do.

Just hurts like a b*tch.

And really, I feel

sorry for you, all of you.

And I recognize and

appreciate your need to be here

and I hope it helps.

(exhales) Feels good to

get this sh*t off your chest.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you.

Joe,

would you like to formally

introduce yourself to everybody?

(instrumental music)

So I came out when I was 12

and I told my best friend first.

He stopped being my best friend fast.

But then when I told my parents,

they were totally fine with it.

I mean they, they, they told

me they essentially kinda knew.

Well, they definitely knew (chuckling)

And they told me they were proud of me

and they loved me the

same, treated me no different.

They were, are wonderful.

And my overbooked

schoolmates on the other hand,

took the sudden accurate

rumors of my queerness poorly.

Yeah, they pretty much

beat the outta me daily

until I quit school.

And it was just sh*t, it wasn't

even called bullying then.

It was just teasing or being picked on

or my favorite, always and

forever, boys being boys.

Right? It's the worst.

I remember this piece of sh*t, Jeff,

who pretty much tortured

me every f*cking day

until I finally had enough.

I, I marched my way

over to Principal Al Monte's

office with a black eye

and told him all the

sh*t Jeff was threatening.

And he said to me, verbatim,

"Sticks and stones might break my bones,

but words will never hurt me."

I pointed to my black eye

and then he had the

f*cking nerve to suggest

that kids from families of my background

aren't typically accepted

by their parents, you know,

just for choosing my lifestyle

as if anyone would

f*cking choose my lifestyle.

(ambient music)

I know I was on my own.

From then on every day I was dedicated

to planning how I would

get safely to and from school,

safely from one class to the next,

from math to English without

using that one stairwell,

or passing too close to

the boys' locker room, or,

oh God, I would plan

my outfits like I would...

Cold weather is the best

'cause you can just throw

in a hoodie and like hide.

(groaning) Yeah, I was,

to put it mildly distracted.

Let's face it, all of my

focus was on school

except on none of the classes I was taking.

So my grades dropped

and eventually I saw this doctor

who ignored all of my

comments about being terrorized,

but he just gave me

Ritalin, and I loved that.

I told my parents I

f*cking quit, and I did.

I promised I would get my GED and I did.

I got a little apartment in Havertown

and found a job at a temp

agency assigning people.

And I carried all that fear

and worry and planning with me.

[Tommy] Hmm.

You can meet a lot of people there

who teach you how to survive on your own.

And the first man I ever

met who flirted with me,

he, he had this smile

and he would always come in for work

with this contractor and, God,

he'd, he'd flash that smile.

We actually met out in

the wild at the laundromat.

(attendees chuckling)

And

then we got to talking and,

yeah, let's just say we had a great time.

And afterward when he offered me the pipe,

I took it

(ambient music)

And I took off.

I mean, it was f*cking euphoric. (Laughing)

Like for the first time

since middle school,

I wasn't looking over my shoulder,

I just felt everything good,

everything good, dialed up to 11.

And (sighs)

Truth is, I don't remember

much for the next year.

What I do know is that I lost my job.

I made sure my mother

believed I'd been laid off,

my parents started paying for my apartment

and I started pickpocketing

and purse snatching for drug money.

(film strip machine whirring)

Yep, I was swiping purses off tables,

from the backs of chairs,

yanking them from little

old ladies in broad daylight.

I remember this one old woman

waiting for the bus

and I ran up to her and ripped the purse

off her shoulder and ran.

I, I typically take what I

eat outta the bag and toss it,

but I was too tweaked

out to f*cking toss a bag.

And I woke up the next

morning with this purse

and a card just sticking out of it.

I opened it up

and just stared at it.

"Happy sixth birthday, Joey."

"We're so proud of you."

And then there's a $10 gift card

to GameStop taped on the inside

and I just mugged some kid's Grandma.

I lost my abuela when I was eight

and I think of her every day.

So, (emotional music)

I resolved to quit that day.

I still have Joey's $10

gift card as my reminder

and.

I still use from time to time,

but I'm clean far, far

more often than I'm not.

So thanks for listening.

(ambient music)

Yeah, no, sorry.

My name's Allie,

but I'm not gonna play

along with a charade and lie.

I'm not an addict.

I am a f*cking idiot when it

comes to relationship choices

and I am really f*cking

angry almost all the time lately,

but a couple mushrooms

does not make me an addict

no matter what that prick says.

That's fine. Anyways, hi Allie!

[Attendees] Hi, Allie.

[Sullie] I'm with you Allie.

Thank you. You get it.

Most of the time it's fine,

but you knock on a door and get shot

by some low life for doing your job.

[Sullie] That's right.

And I would bet most of those times

the story that you get from the person

who was causing the

problem is far different

from what actually happened there.

[Sullie] 99 times out

of 100, yeah, that's true.

And you handsome,

what was your name? Mark.

It's Matt.

You said you're a lawyer?

I assume in Pennsylvania since you're here.

Oh, that's really not

Timmy, I am playing along.

I am bearing my soul and

opening up and all the things.

This person here has

experience with f*ck like my ex.

So just let me ask my question

and get my story out

so we can get to the

people with real problems

and they can talk about their story

and get the f*ck outta here.

So you know that in a divorce,

if one of the parties

wishes to delay things

by refusing to sign or demanding counseling

or by claiming the person

seeking the divorce is mentally unfit,

then they can just delay the proceedings

and drag things out, right?

Unfortunately, yes, that's true.

Well, I cut off all contact with him

and got sole possession

of the house, so fine.

But he would find ways

to contact me, some app,

or some bullshit that had him

calling from a random number

and I have to answer

my phone like all the time,

all hours of the day.

So sometimes he would get through to me.

So one night he uses some fake number

from f*cking Arizona and I answer.

I was pissed.

We'd already been to court

once that week. Work was insane.

I just wanted to wind down for a bit.

I had some wine, ate a shroom,

which hadn't kicked in yet.

Steve knew I was tipsy.

I said, totally sarcastically,

melodramatic and obviously lying

that if I had to talk to

him for another minute,

I would f*cking k*ll myself.

(tense music)

Then I ended the call

and dropped my phone

into a giant tumbler of coffee.

By the time the cops arrived,

the mushrooms had kicked in.

They took me to the hospital,

some section of it anyway.

Behavioral health admittance eval.

Yeah, sounds right.

I was across the desk from

this very serious man tripping,

trying to answer his questions.

I don't know what I said, but

I know they knew I was high.

Well, I certainly didn't interview well,

certainly not well enough

to be convincing anyway.

I was involuntarily committed for 72 hours.

(tense music)

I was 3.

Yes, that's it. Three days gone.

And of course Steve

used it to his advantage.

Demanded counseling, delayed things.

My lawyer got us over that

hump, but not unscathed.

How could I be unscathed?

So coming here for three sessions

was part of getting over that.

So after tonight, two more.

To be clear, I am not

suicidal and I am not an addict.

I'm stressed and I have a

f*cking sadistic moron for an ex

and that's why I'm here,

not because I'm some addict, sorry.

Unless my f*cking phone counts.

It does. Thank you, Allie.

(relaxing acoustic music)

Hello everyone. My name

is Mike and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hey, Mike. Hi.

I last used

this morning,

every morning.

f*ck it.

Typical morning routine, I wake up,

pop about four Tramadol.

They're easy enough to get.

I kinda just b*tch about a back injury

that healed three years ago.

Went about my day, normal day.

Popped another four after

lunch, that was like 1:32.

It's usually around one

or two every working day.

And it's whenever I want on my days off.

After dinner,

I enjoy a glass of wine

and four or five Percocet.

And before...

I'm sorry I, it's my first meeting.

I, I'm not so used to discussing this.

Well, after the dinner

and the wine and the pills,

I sit down and try to watch a movie.

I f*cking love movies.

I have an extensive 4K

collection of all the classics.

"Lawrence of Arabia,"

"8 1/2" "Seven Samurai."

"Godfather," "Godfather II."

"Barry Lyndon," John Deman,

(speaking in foreign language).

I have them all and many more,

but those are the ones I've been

looking forward to the most.

And I mean I, I've been

wanting to watch these forever.

I have a great setup. I live alone.

You know, it's perfect to take advantage

of these films specifically.

So after my after dinner routine,

sit down and try to pick

out a movie to watch.

I flip through some of these titles,

but they're all like two and a half, three,

some close to four hours long.

And I just think to myself, sh*t,

I can't watch a three-hour movie tonight.

So I usually just end up

turning on "Community,"

watching an episode I've seen 30 times

picking up in whatever

chronological order I left off in.

And the b*tch of it all is,

I end up sprawled out on the couch

for at least four hours every single night.

And I think to myself, hmm,

I could have been

watching a Tarkovsky film.

"Community" is fantastic,

don't get me wrong.

But to have all this art

and never experience it,

it's such a waste.

Oh, what do you do for a living?

I work as a claims adjuster

for a really big insurance

company with a bunch of mascots.

I am high on some level every minute

of every working day, yet I

do my job and I have no issues.

But it's not because I'm great at it,

it's not because the drugs don't affect me

or they make my skills up.

It's just that I've noticed everyone

around me has the same

demeanor, passion, energy,

and enthusiasm for

the job without the drugs

that I do with the drugs.

We all just kind of live through it.

So life has become less than monotonous.

Some of the people that

come in are the definition

of hectic and crazy.

It is so much to

process, it just stops you.

It's like trying to pour an

Olympic sized swimming pool

quickly through a funnel.

But with my morning routine

and my afternoon routine,

it all just becomes this

muddled, inconsequential mess.

I just flow through it.

My evening routine helps me get to sleep

and I just don't think

about the rest of my day.

It all just kind of disappears in a daze.

I don't think about it, it doesn't matter.

I know that everything I need will be there

when I get in the next day,

written down in notebooks

or build out in forms.

Maybe some of my coworkers

are junkies. I don't know.

Oh, we don't use that word, Mike.

[Mike] Sorry.

[Tommy] It's okay.

Maybe some of them use,

just like me. (Film strip machine whirring)

I dunno how it started,

but I use, (tense music)

And I'll continue to use

for the foreseeable future.

I really hope one day I don't want to.

And if I'm here,

maybe that's a start.

I don't know.

Thank you.

[Tommy] Thank you for coming, Mike.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Good evening everyone.

My name is Kaye and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Kaye.

It's been four years since I last used.

Way to go.

[Attendee] That's excellent.

I am a sociology professor at UPenn.

After a stressful day at work,

I knew I was gonna be

putting in another late night.

Admittedly, I was putting

perhaps too high a priority

on getting my paper published,

but my husband was supportive.

I was keeping everything

together so my habits were seen

as something I did by those around me.

Never, not once did anyone

approach me with the idea

that my use was a problem.

Why would they?

(film strip machine whirring)

I was working my a*s off

trying to crack this article

so that it survived peer review

and still managed to be interesting.

What was the article about?

Broad impact analysis regarding

a joint study I helped conduct

about how globalization

has changed local culture.

Hmm. (Film strip machine whirring)

So I went back to the office to, well,

first, to go over my

findings as a whole, broadly.

Once I knew for certain

that the results were concrete,

I began meticulously mining the data

for anything I may have

originally overlooked.

The obsession feeds itself

and obsession needs energy.

So I got that energy from well,

external sources.

So night after night, more and more work,

more and more analysis,

more and more pixie dust.

Go be a really shitty wife

to wonderful and understanding husband,

wake up, do my job well,

continue to do more work.

No eyebrows raised.

You m*therf*cking liar.

[Tommy] Don't you ever!

[Sullie] She is not an addict.

She's not a professor, she's faking it.

[Tommy] What the

hell is the matter with you,

Sullie?

- She's lying to us, Tim!

She's not an addict. Her

name isn't even Kaye.

[Tommy] It, it doesn't

matter what her name is.

We protect each other's anonymity.

[Sullie] She is lying

[Tommy] To pick up a name

[Sullie] To get information on us, Tim.

She's spying on us.

[Haulston] Hey, hey, now hold on, folks.

We're all on the same team here.

[Tommy] Yes, yes.

What are you talking about, sir?

Tim, I know this woman. She's a reporter.

Actually she writes

articles and f*cking blogs

about nothing bullshit, about food trucks,

Amazon warehouses, executive

paintball teams, you know,

all that f*cking

investigative insider bullshit.

And now, apparently, Users Inc.

That's not why I am here.

You are not a f*cking addict!

(suspenseful music)

How dare you?

You know damn well why I'm here, detective!

Detective? I don't, I

Exactly 'cause you don't know sh*t.

You and your f*cking partner,

you never tried to know anything.

You make no effort.

That's,

that's blatantly not truth.

- That's the truth,

Detective Sullivan.

That's a fact.

(suspenseful music)

I, I don't

How the f*ck do you

even live with yourself?

I did everything I could, d

We did everything we could, d, d.

You, you... If that's true,

then you're much more pathetic

than you presented tonight.

[Attendee] What?

Some addict (suspenseful music)

Showing up to my sister-in-law's house,

my newborn nephew 15 feet away

and telling me that after weeks of work,

it all boiled down to some addict

and a missing business

card is all you had to go on?

Oh, so the motivation was

drug money then? Well, bravo!

Her go f*cking barot junky version!

Some addict.

And that,

that was the culmination of all

of your f*cking heroin days police work!

Jesus wept.

I, Hey, hey, look I get it.

You know, the fact is

my brother was less dead,

and that means his

m*rder was less of a private

That's bullshit!

(tense music)

Yes, it happened. And yes,

it was a big f*cking problem.

And my partner just...

But never in my work and

definitely not on this case.

And not that you even

so much as give a sh*t,

but my police work was never heroin-dazed.

[Sullie] I gave it my all.

I gave it my everything.

Your brother's m*rder...

Oh, that's bullshit!

You have never done a

g*dd*mn thing to help us

and you know that!

- Shut the f*ck up.

Shut the f*ck up!

You don't know what

the you're talking about.

We looked at every... You know what?

f*cking camera that so

much as even had a chance

of getting an angle on that curb.

You just sat there and

regurgitated the same bullshit

over and over and over again.

- 283, 283 cameras.

You know what, in this day and age,

with all of those cameras

everywhere you mean

to tell me that there

is not... 283 cameras,

that's how many cameras

we f*cking looked at.

Do you know how many

actually saw what happened?

Out of 283, 6, 6 f*cking cameras.

Those nice neighborhoods,

those f*cking people think

that everything's so safe.

They don't do sh*t.

They're so not diligent.

Most most of them that

needed tape didn't have any.

And f*ck, most of them were fake actually,

fake f*cking cameras

placed to discourage crime,

similar to your brother's dash cam.

It's f*cking sick

neighborhoods in it. Okay.

Do you, out of those six,

out of those six cameras

that actually captured what happened,

do you know how many gave us

actual viewable footage of what happened?

Two, two f*cking cameras.

That's less than 1%.

We checked so much sh*t.

We did our f*cking best.

And, and even giving our

best. Do you know what we got?

Do you know what we know after all of that,

after all of that f*cking effort?

We know for a fact that

some kid, possibly Caucasian,

on the shorter side with

disheveled hair, dark clothing,

snuck up behind your brother

and bashed him on the skull

with some sort of blunt object,

a hammer or a crowbar.

My money is on an iron pipe.

We know that he then proceeded to toss,

r*fle through your brother's

pockets very quickly

until he found Ted's wallet.

And we also know that he found his phone

and his keys before he found the wallet

'cause that sh*t was

just tossed in the car.

It was found underneath the steering wheel.

He didn't give a sh*t about that.

Okay, so that leaves

us with the wallet, right?

He rifled that wallet so quick,

he left the credit cards, he left an Amex,

and based on behavioral charts,

he most likely took no

more than $10 in cash,

no more than $10,

possibly even less.

We also know

from interviewing your

sister-in-law that for

some reason

he took a business card from Ted's wallet

from a Dr. Vargas office,

and handwritten on the back (tense music)

Was something to the effect of.

"Ted, on September 14,

15, 2018, we find out."

Then there was the little boy symbol

and the little girl symbol.

"Can't wait. Love you so much, Beth."

It may have been an XOXO at the bottom,

I forget some of what she said.

(Kaye sniffling)

I'm sorry. (Tense music)

We also know

there's no way he could've done all that,

attacked your brother,

gone through his sh*t,

without getting any blood on him.

We couldn't find a bloody

bill or that business card,

and we checked every establishment

in a 30 block radius for one or the other.

To this day,

nothing.

I'm sorry that we couldn't catch. I am.

I am genuinely sorry that

we couldn't catch the guy.

And we tried, I tried real f*cking hard,

but when it comes down to it,

it really was just some junkie,

no prospects, no life.

Whether you believe it or not, it,

it kills me that we failed him.

But it, it really was, it

really was just some,

some little low life piece of sh*t,

wrong place, wrong time, lying in wait.

And that's what kills me.

That's, that's the worst

f*cking part, is all for nothing.

There was no grand scheme, you know?

It was just...

(Kaye sobbing)

Years, years now,

and nothing.

(sniffling) And deep down, deep down,

I know the detective is right.

It's just some random loser

who might not even know what he did.

I've seen the videos

and there's just no way to tell

what he looks like from them.

I mean, it could even be a woman.

(sobbing) I just don't know. (Sobbing)

That's the truth everyone.

In my shoes, not your shoes,

not your job back then in my place,

what the f*ck would you have done?

I'd be doing

exactly what you're doing.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry

not solving that case,

whether you believe me or not

eats at me

every single day.

(Kaye sniffling)

Thank you, detective.

[Sullie] Thank you, Kaye.

[Tommy] Oops, we're

all so sorry for your loss.

Excuse me, Tommy, for interrupting,

but I think I'm ready to

open up now, if that's okay.

[Tommy] Oh, sh**t, oh. Sure, Dan, yes.

We are all here for you.

[Attendee] Yes.

As I said,

my name is

Dan and I'm an addict.

[Attendees] Hi, Dan.

Been a sl*ve to my

addiction for 61 years.

61 years. Damn.

My addiction,

it's older than most of my

friends in my life ever were.

Imagine if John Lennon or Robert Johnson

or Janice Joplin lived as long as my urges.

Tommy, I don't know where to start.

Oh. Wherever you feel comfortable, Dan.

Okay.

Yeah.

Might as well start at the beginning.

(chuckles) (attendees chuckling)

(film strip machine whirring)

To be completely honest,

my mom got me hooked

when I was about 12 years old.

[Attendee] What a f*cking b*tch.

(suspenseful music)

She put me on a path

(film strip machine whirring)

To addiction and consumption.

From that moment on, I was hooked.

I couldn't always get a fix,

so I had to rely on what

my mom could provide.

Got through high school. (Chuckles)

I got accepted in a college

in, in Syracuse, New York.

No sh*t. I went to Le Moyne.

I got accepted at Cazenovia.

[Matt] Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt] I know that place, Lake town.

Yeah. Well, I'm so f*cking old, you know?

Cazenovia, that college

doesn't even exist anymore.

[Matt] No, I know the place.

Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gorgeous lake town, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah,

and they accepted me.

No one the place shut down. Yeah.

Now, 1972, I had to go to Southeast Asia.

The heroin, the opium,

you forget what people say

and near half of everyone

there was doing that sh*t.

It was good sh*t.

Government knew this.

When it became public that Nixon put.

Operation Golden Flow into effect

and the troops had to submit a clean test

to get a trip home, dirty

test, you stayed longer.

They stayed a long time, you know.

I wasn't there too long before I had to,

I was forced to start k*lling.

Became chaotic, messy.

(suspenseful music)

Oftentimes I didn't know

who I was or what I was doing,

what you have to do, what you have to do.

And by God, I did everything I had to do.

And of course, I gave in to the urges.

I just wanted to say that as a vegan,

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Yes, sir. Thank you

for serving our country.

Seemed like my time there

was never was never gonna end.

My mission just went on and on,

But eventually I made enough

progress to return stateside.

[Rena] So did you get to go to college?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I went to a community college

and I picked up the EMcertificate and I, I got to work.

Yeah, put the baggage, the

problems

that I took to Asia

and the problems that I picked up in Asia,

they didn't stay in Asia.

They came right back along with me.

That was the only baggage

that TWA didn't lose in those days.

(attendees chuckling)

So you got to save people too, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Many, many.

Doesn't make up for all the

drugs, everything else I did.

Addiction, it's like a Siamese twin.

(suspenseful music)

You know, as much as you wanna sever it,

(suspenseful music)

It's a part of you.

And even a, a successful separation,

it, it, it leaves an obvious scar.

And then, then the

memories, then there's trauma.

That's a convenient friend to addiction.

Often it's an excuse

for it if you let it be.

(blood splattering)

But trauma wasn't the,

didn't create my addiction.

(blood splattering)

That addiction b*stard was with me

long before I went to Asia.

And the trauma didn't

or doesn't help it but

it's no excuse for it.

Basking in it, that's pointless.

My case, I, I, I got over

my trauma. I really did.

But my, my, my addiction persevered.

A few years ago, I finally got a hat.

I felt I had a handle on things.

But that's the trick, right?

That's the ultimate illusion,

eh, control. (Chuckling)

(film strip machine whirring)

The sad, harsh arc sodium lit truth is,

you have no control over your addiction.

What you have control over

is how you deal with your addiction.

And that means dealing

with whatever fuels it too.

And that's trauma, I think,

for many.

For me,

it was a fuel,

but it wasn't a spark.

Trauma just accelerated the flame

of addiction that was burning inside me.

You see, your trauma,

your trauma is a part of you.

If.

Addiction is a Siamese twin,

then trauma is like your appendix.

For some people,

it's seemingly non-existent

and disregarded.

But for the minuscule percentage of us

whose appendix becomes

infected or inflamed,

you

either address the situation

or you die.

God, place that trauma

organ inside your mind.

(film strip machine whirring)

Now,

if you never have to deal with it,

great.

Doesn't show up on scans. Yeah, great.

But if you have to deal with it,

you better deal with it properly

or you'll die badly.

(grunting) I was,

I was dealing,

I was dealing with it

until I got the diagnosis:

Big C.

And then I had a,

I had a change to keep on,

figure out If I could keep

on, you know, keep on,

keep on going or if I

should give up, give in.

You see, Tommy,

everyone, (suspenseful music)

That is the question I'm faced with.

Do I, do I give up and give

in because I'm doomed?

Or do I,

do I continue with my life's work

to continue to improve despite my illness?

Or do I make this adjustment

and then, and use it?

Even.

I have to change identity.

I really don't know.

Well,

first of all, thank you Dan for sharing.

I think I speak for

everyone here when I say

you are inspirational.

(attendees faintly speaking)

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, Tommy. Thank you.

And you are right, Dan.

You are dead right about addiction.

I am so deeply sorry for your diagnosis,

but you have to keep going,

you have to keep pushing.

Dan, you can't give in, you know?

You can't give in. You can't give up.

You have to fight.

You, you have to, you

have to live your life and,

and, and find the power within yourself.

That's the only way. That's

what the strongest among us do.

They keep going and they persevere.

Okay.

Tommy.

- Yeah.

I mean, even if my

wife has a expiration date,

all lives due.

Yeah.

I mean, so there's no, there's,

there's no point wallowing.

Have to be proactive.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So,

going to...

Thank you, Tommy.

Thank you. I'm going to be calm.

And I'm going to carry on.

(g*n firing) (attendees screaming)

[Attendee] Oh my god.

(g*n firing)

(attendees crying)

(Kaye screaming)

[Attendee] f*ck, f*ck!

(g*n firing)

(Tommy grunting)

(attendees crying)

I, I... I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

It's all about you, ain't

it, sweetheart? Huh?

If your husband wasn't such a useless c**t,

I'd sh**t you f*cking dead!

(g*n firing) (attendee screaming)

(attendees sobbing)

(sonic waves vibrating)

(sonic waves vibrating)

(sonic waves vibrating)

Oh, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

This could work.

Tommy, (Tommy sobbing)

I, I had a breakthrough tonight.

- Oh!

- Oh.

Come Tommy, Tommy, (Tommy sobbing)

I had a breakthrough tonight.

You're doing incredible work. Oh.

(Tommy sobbing)

Oh, Tommy, Tommy! Tommy.

(Tommy sobbing)

Tommy, Tommy! (Tommy crying)

It's okay!

(Tommy sobbing)

Tommy!

(Tommy sobbing)

(Tommy sobbing)

Don't worry about cleaning up.

(Tommy sobbing)

(Tommy sobbing) Tommy, Tommy!

(door creaking)

(Tommy sobbing) (door thudding)

(Tommy screaming)

It is what it is

It was what it was

Oh yeah it goes away

Like today

It touches us all

Like a breeze through the trees

The stronger the love

The harder the fall

It is what it is

I know how that feels

Time wins all races

It's part of the deal

It's how coming around

The whispering its call

The sound so heavy

The fog rolling down

It is what it is

It was what it was

We're left with what was

It is what it is

(guitar music)

So pass me that joint

And I'll have a shot too

I don't care pick one

'Cause I've got some of reliving

Of memories to do with you

It is what it is

It was what it was

Time wins all races

It's mother nature's call

We're left with what was

It is what it is

It is what it is

It was what it was

It is what it is

It was what it was

(relaxing guitar music)

Another beer another yesterday

Same old memory stopping in to say

What you had never was

What you found you had to lose

There must be heaven

Because I landed in heaven

I know there's angels

'Cause I know the devil so well

There must be heaven

And I landed in hell

I know there's angels 'cause I know

The devil

So well