[boy]
Hm.
[upbeat music]
Bobby Boy.[giggles]
[phone ringing]
[soft grunting]
Oh, sh*t. Paradise.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[indistinct chatter over phone]
Yeah, we got Wu-Tang
on 12-inch. Yeah.
Um...
Forever. 36 Chambers.
Yep.
[strains, farts]
Yeah. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.
Mm-hm.
Okay. Yeah,
I'll save it for you.
Okay. See you later. [groans]
sh*t.
["Bad m*therf*cker" by Logic]
-[recorder beeps]
-[man] What are you doing, boy?
Pick up the phone.
I know you're listening to me
right now.
-Anyway, I'll be there later.
-[recorder beeps]
[Banks]
This is loan officer Banks
from the office
of Sicotte & Associates
returning your call.
My assistant was able
to move my schedule around.
I can squeeze you in
just after lunch
so I'll be expecting you.
I'm feelin' good
First time in a long time
A lot of thoughts in my mind
Of the scary kind
I used to fear senior year
Would've been my prime
But I never graduated
Guess I turned out fine
-Ow!
-Searching for something
That I need to find
'Cause I think about dyin'
All the time
Life's f*ck' hard
But I'm tryin' all the time
Damn, I'm on the edge
God's callin'
From the other line
But every time I pick up
I only hear the Devil
I don't give a damn
I don't wanna settle
I just wanna
Live a good life
Die a good man
Like the bad m*therf*cker
I am
I won't deny it
I've been livin' my life
Not a f*ck given
Can't deny it
You can say what you want
But that's my decision
I won't deny it
I've been livin' my life
Not a f*ck given
Can't deny it
I'ma be a bad m*therf*cker
'Til the, 'til the day
I stop kickin'
[muted]
Stop kickin', y'all...
Oh, what the f*ck, T Man?
What you doing in here, man?
[chuckles] n*gga, what the f*ck
are you doing in here, n*gga?
What are you talking about?
I'm getting ready, bro.
For what, n*gga?
RuPaul's Drag Show?
I don't understand
why you ain't knock.
Coop, there's no f*ck' door.
What you talking about?
God created wood
and your knuckles
for a m*therf*cking reason.
Use them.
Just knock. Just do me a favor.
Just go work.
Can you just go work?
Go organize
yesterday's shipment. Okay?
-Okay, n*gga. sh*t.
-Okay. sh*t.
Never had a family
But I had friends
If we're talkin' real life
I guess that all depends
I was thinkin'
More Rachel and Monica
Daydreams of livin'
In Santa Monica
All I ever knew of family
Was television
'Cause mine
Was doin' hard drugs
And locked up in prison
I guess that's why I never
Made the same decision
I haven't spoken
To my mom in years
I heard she found religion
I'm just playin' life
Like Atari
I was never perfect
I'm f*cked up, I'm sorry
I'm human
My childhood was f*cked
And it's loomin' over me
Every time I think about it
I know I shouldn't be here
Where I stand
I just wanna
Live a good life
Die a good man
Like the bad m*therf*cker
I am
Yo, why is this sh*t on, T?
You know I hate the news, man.
It's always baby dies
in car accident
or geriatric man
falls down a flight of ninjas
or something.
Bro, you're depressing the sh*t
out your boy right now.
Anyways, this sh*t came for you.
Final notice for what, n*gga?
Oh, it's, uh, it's nothing.
It's just this, uh, company
letting me know
it's the last time
I can buy in bulk
at that price or whatever.
It's not a big deal.
I see. Well, can we talk
about that funny dance sh*t
in the back, my n*gga?
What was you doing
dancing like that for anyway?
No, the real question is,
what the f*ck was you doin'?
Excuse me, sir.
What the f*ck was you doin'
all up in my sh*t?
You gotta knock.
And don't be upset.
I dance how I dance.
I dance like a bad b*tch.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I bust it open.
So why don't you
get some manners, n*gga?
Nah, n*gga, what you need
is some motherfuckin'
dance lessons, my n*gga,
'cause your half white side
was for sure
showin' in the back, n*gga.
That sh*t was shinin', my n*gga.
And why you say n*gga
like you scared to say it, fool?
Remember, Coop,
you a Black man, n*gga.
First of all, ow.
Second, you know,
I'm bright-skinned.
-What?
-You know, I'm incog-n*gro.
What the f*ck is
incog-n*gro, Coop?
It's actually this, uh,
phrase I coined for a n*gga
that looks white.
Nah, you right
about that sh*t, n*gga.
You do be lookin' white
than a m*therf*cker,
like Food Network
white-a*s n*gga,
Ziploc bag, clear-a*s n*gga.
You right
about that sh*t, n*gga.
-Broccoli casserole-lookin' a*s.
-Look, okay, f*ck you,
all right?
All I'm sayin' is
I, I, I can't be runnin' around
saying "n*gga" all the time
in front of a bunch of n*gg*s
that don't know
I'm actually a n*gga,
my n*gga. I'll get f*cked up.
You right, n*gga.
You almost caught that Hadouken
right now, n*gga. You lucky you
my motherfuckin' cousin too.
And I still don't know
how you came out my auntie
lookin' like
she drank bleach at the bar
for nine months, n*gga.
Hey, guys. Happy Monday.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You guys were talking
about the *-word again.
I can see myself out.
It's... [chuckles]
it's all good.
What's up, Tables?
Okay, I'm sorry
to be Mr. Difficult here,
but I'm gonna need you
to take care of that loose nail
on the side
of the front door walkway, man.
It's a frickin' danger zone.
Uh, uh, it's not a big deal.
I'll get to it.
Whatever. It's straight.
n*gga, it'll take five minutes.
-Why, thank you, T Man.
-That sh*t's been there
for three months, fool.
Somebody gonna call the police
on your a*s.
What, what is this
three-way situation?
Okay? I do not consent
right now. All right?
-Why, why y'all gangin' up
on me? Chill out.
-So, yeah,
-you fellas wanna hear
what I got into this weekend?
-Nope.
-Definitely not.
-Well, first I saw
the new Astroblastermovie.
Bro, why you always
talk about that fantasy sh*t?
That sh*t's
wack as f*ck, Tables.
Okay, T Man, you're just mad
'cause you like sci-fi
and I happen to find fantasy
to be deeper than outer space.
[T Man]
Nah, n*gga, f*ck that sh*t.
-Fifth Element...
-Mm.
...Valerian,my n*gga.
Dune,with Timothy Chandelier,
all that sh*t poppin', n*gga.
But elves, hobbits,
wizards, Yoda,
and them n*gg*s,
all that sh*t g*y as f*ck, bro.
Whoa, how can you say that?
-What, "n*gg*s"?
-No.
It only sound bad
when f*cking cops say it,
and Coop's a*s.
Hey, f*ck you, man.
No, the other one.
-What, hobbits?
-What? Of course not.
The other one. The worst one.
-What, Tables?
Spit it out, fool.
-Okay, T Man,
you can't just be...
[whispering] runnin' around
sayin' "g*y," okay?
Hobbits are g*y as f*ck.
Yo, why are you
saying this sh*t all loud
in front of customers, man?
Like, you can't--
They're gonna think
it's h*m*.
Yeah, 'cause it is.
Well, I mean... not, not really.
-You know, I mean...
"f*gg*t" is h*m*.
-No.
But we don't be
sayin' that sh*t.
I, I don't say that sh*t.
Bro, why you lyin'
to this m*therf*cker
about that sh*t?
You say "f*gg*t"
all the time, fool.
And I be sayin'
that sh*t too, n*gga.
We say it together
all the time, n*gga. Like...
But when we say it,
we don't mean it like that,
my n*gga.
Like, we just talking sh*t,
n*gga. That's that hood sh*t.
You know, when I say
"Hobbits are g*y, n*gga,"
I don't mean they're actually
f*ck' each other, Coop.
What the f*ck
are you doin', man?
[T Man]
That's not what
makes them g*y, bro.
Damn. Come to think about it,
a little niggly
helps his best friend
return some jewelry,
-that defines g*y.
-Whoa.
They went to the ends of Mordor
to save an entire realm.
It's a little g*y,
but mostly it's just beautiful.
Boy, shut your
High School Musical-lookin'
a*s up.
-I'll take that as a compliment.
-[Cooper] I don't know
why you talkin' sh*t.
You look like Olmec
from Legends
of the Hidden Temple.
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick
Nickelodeon
[T Man]
You didn't even have
cable, Coop,
so I don't even know
how you watched that sh*t.
Yeah, how about just eat my a*s?
How about that?
Why don't you catch me outside,
eat my whole as*h*le?
-How about that?
-[T Man] n*gga, you just mad.
g*dd*mn, your shadow blacker
than your a*s, Lite-Brite.
First of all, you know
that strikes a chord with me.
Second, you so Black,
lightning bugs follow you
in the daytime.
Buckets. Sorry,
it's a horrible throw.
I got weak, weak wrists.
You so white, you g*dd*mn--
I can see your thoughts, n*gga.
Them b*tches is transparent,
Coop. God damn.
All right, that was pretty good.
But, uh, I don't know...
you so Black,
you carry food stamps
in a money clip.
-How about that?
-Boy, n*gga, you just mad
vitiligo hit your whole body
at once, Michael Jackson.
-[Tables clears throat]
-[door closes]
Well, bro, you look
like you drop common loot
when you're defeated. [laughing]
[speaks Elvish] Oh, sorry.
That's Elvish for "Well done."
High five myself.
Tables, you so white,
you make Coop
look like Malcolm X, my n*gga.
[woman vocalizing]
-Hey, guys.
-Oh, uh, hey, Melanie.
-Oh, hey, Melanie.
[mimics choking]
-f*ck you, T Man.
-Hi, Tables. [chuckles]
-How was your weekend?
It was
really lucrative, actually,
-which is good.
-What, you was streamin'
on the Internet,
-doin' the OnlyFans jiggy?
-I had a garage sale
with my mom,
-so the complete opposite.
-[T Man] I'm just sayin',
god damn,
-slide the panties to the side
or something on the Internet.
-[Melanie gasps]
-These m*therf*ckers
payin' for that type of sh*t.
-[Tables] Bro.
Look, you, you ain't even
gotta f*ck' work
up in this b*tch no more,
and you could probably
sh-- show one nipple...
-Oh, my God.
-...and that sh*t
gonna pay your rent
for six months straight.
I guarantee it.
No, I know.
But I like working here.
-Well, I don't.
-Okay, well, I do.
Especially when I'm not
being told to, like,
show my t*tties on camera.
-I was just suggesting
something lucrative that...
-Sure.
-...you could do for yourself.
Entrepreneur-type sh*t.
-Okay.
-There are lots of other ways
for women to make money.
-I'm just sayin'.
Like what?
Anyway, Melanie,
uh, did you, uh,
did you get that bracelet
that you ended up wanting?
No. It's really sad.
I was saving up for it,
and then on the way here
this morning, I was, like,
"Oh, I'm gonna see
if it's in the window."
It's not.
That's because an OnlyFans b*tch
twerked away in the window
and stole that b*tch
right in front of your face.
Hey, what the f*ck
are y'all doing?
What-- I, I don't understand.
I'm over here.
I'm slavin' away
in this m*therf*cker.
-What is happening?
-[Melanie] Sorry.
Okay. Can y'all--
Can you situate
and get back to work, possibly?
Is that, is that okay, my lord?
["Sudden Science II" by Peanuts]
-[squeaking]
-[muffled] What?
[blows]
What the f*ck is this sh*t?
-Oh, my God.
-You guys gonna rip
Duck Hunttonight?
Uh, yeah, actually.
But I'm over the ducks.
You know?
I wanna go clay pigeons.
-That sh*t's way harder.
-All right.
Well, whatever ducks
you're k*lling,
just remember
who holds the high score, okay?
Uh, yeah, whatever.
You only have that
'cause Tables spilled ginger ale
all over the system
-and f*cked the cartridge up.
-Okay, well, why don't we
get him some sippy cups
so we don't have
any more excuses? Okay?
-Yeah, whatever.
-[Melanie giggles]
So, uh, how you doing?
What's up in your world?
Uh, I'm okay.
Want to get out
of my mom's house
'cause I'm 28, so...
You're gonna need a better job
if you want your own spot
and nice sh*t,
-like that bracelet or whatever
you were talking about.
-God, the bracelet.
Don't even remind me.
Do you know the whole story
with that?
Uh, no.
So, I was out to lunch
with Tables the other day,
and we went
by that jewelry store,
-and I saw it in the window,
this bracelet...
-Hm.
...sort of made out of rubies
like my grandma used to wear.
She gave it to me
when I was a kid
before she died, so...
I'm sorry. What happened to it?
Uh, I traded it for nachos
from this girl at Six Flags.
[snickers]
-Oh, you s-- you're serious.
Oh, I'm, I'm sorry.
-Yeah, I'm dead serious.
-Yeah.
-Uh...
So, you and Tables
go to lunch often?
What the f*ck is that about?
Not as often as I would like.
What? Are you se--
You like Tables?
Quiet. God.
[quietly] f*ck' like Tables?
-Tub-les?
-[chuckles]
I just--
I would've never guessed.
You know, he's built
like a f*ck' swing set
riding an Olsen twin.
He's just a nice guy,
and he's really sweet,
and he's cute,
and he likes hobbits,
which I think is adorable.
-So...
-[snickers] Yeah, okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Imagine, like, you guys
do actually go out...
[with accent]
and it's, like, a year.
A year has gone by in time,
and you're, you're in love.
When you leave
some kind of establishment--
What is this accent
that you're doing?
[normal] And some, like,
crazy-a*s m*therf*cker
comes out with a .357 Magnum
and points it at y'all, like,
where is his love of hobbits
and sh*t gonna
come in handy then?
I mean,
I think the better question is,
when is any guy's
bullshit gym routine
gonna come in handy
against a b*llet?
You know what I mean?
Why are you so upset?
You're my boss.
Why do you give a sh*t
about whether I like guys
for their body
or for their personalities?
I wouldn't say I'm upset.
I just...
I find it really hard to believe
that, you know,
a cute girl like yourself
with a pick of the lot
doesn't want somebody
who's, like
-Team Jacob shredded.
-[chuckling] Team Jacob.
You know? Like Stallone.
Like, f*ck', just, like...
[mimicking Sylvester Stallone]
"Adrian! Yo, yo, Melanie!
Hey, yo, Melanie!"
Like, you could have that guy.
Sure. This is the thing. Look,
we're all gonna look
like sh*t one day, right?
We're all gonna be ugly
when we're old.
Do you know what I mean?
-I'm ugly right now.
-[laughs] Exactly.
-So, would you rather be
with somebody that you like...
-What?
...because they have
a rocking bod and you spend
all this time with them,
and you grow old together,
and you detest the person
they are underneath,
you know, Jesus' abs
and Jude Law's jawline?
[chuckles]
Or would you rather fall
head over heels for someone
and spend 50 years together
-and pick out
the perfect plot of land...
-[cell phone rings]
...to rest side by side
for all of eternity?
Well, thankfully,
I'm a workaholic. What the f...
-[muffled]
Pick up the phone, Coop.
-[muffled] Come out here.
The phone, n*gga.
Pick up the phone, n*gga.
-[cell phone continues ringing]
-Hello?
-Where the vinyl cleaner at,
n*gga?
-Are you serious?
You couldn't take ten steps
out here and just ask me?
This is way faster, n*gga.
Where it's at?
Do you understand
that in the time
that it took for you
to pull out your phone,
unlock the sh*t,
go to your contacts,
call me, wait for the sh*t
to f*ck' ring,
you could've walked out here,
took ten steps?
Coop, why you
so upset all the time?
'Cause you be doing
dumb-a*s sh*t all the time.
Come out here, man.
Yes, massa?
Oh, f*ck you.
Oh, no, sir. Please, sir.
Don't give me
no lashes today, sir.
I just wanna eat like
the rest of the sl*ves, sir.
Can you please
point me in the direction
of the vinyl cleaner, sir?
Please. I don't want no trouble.
n*gga,
where the vinyl cleaner at?
It's under the register.
Why you ain't tell me that sh*t
when I was in there, n*gga?
I was just there.
[cloth rips]
Oh, sh*t.
Yo, what the f*ck, man?
This is my favorite
f*ck' jacket, n*gga.
-I can't believe this sh*t.
-[Melanie] I told you
to fix that nail.
Yo, Tremaine,
where you goin', man?
We got customers in here, bro.
Find out on the next episode
of n*gga Ball Z!
-Uh, super microphonus
-Yo, yo
-Uh, super microphonus
-Yeah, yeah, yeah
-Uh, super microphonus
-Listen up
Here's news, I'mma make it
Yeah, yeah
Uh, super microphonus
Yeah, yeah
Yo, listen up
Super microphonus
Yeah, yeah
Uh, super microphonus
Yeah, uh
Yo, listen up
Listen up, listen up
[music stops]
Unh.
There she go.
[whirring]
[Melanie]
T Man, I knew you printed stuff.
I didn't know
you could actually, like,
make clothes.
Mm. I wanna make clothes.
Hm. This is really awesome.
Thanks.
"Sew What You Reap."
What's that?
-That's the brand.
-[chuckles]
My grandma taught me how to sew
when I was in middle school
-before she passed.
And all the kids...
-Yeah?
...used to make fun of me
for that sh*t,
but I, I figured one day I'll,
-I'll reap what I sow.
-Hm. That's good.
So, what, you want
to be a fashion designer?
I mean, I wanna make clothes,
start my own brand.
Maybe open up a store
or some sh*t.
-That'd be dope as f*ck.
-Mm-hm.
Maybe collab with Pharrell.
-Pharrell?
-Hell yeah.
Man, you've been sayin' that
since we were kids, bro.
You just gotta do it.
Nah, bro,
you the businessman.
You the one be payin'
all the bills and sh*t,
makin' it happen, n*gga.
I don't know
how to do all that sh*t.
I just like f*cking designing
and creating clothes, man.
Can you make one for me?
-Anytime, slime.
-[chuckles]
Let me give you some
Sweet lovin'...
[woman]
Excuse me.
-Uh, hey. Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-How are you?
Good. How are you?
So, we're having
a good day, huh?
-It is, yes.
-Yeah, it's nice.
Yeah, it's beautiful outside.
It's beautiful in here.
[chuckles]
-Yeah, my son
would like to buy something.
-Oh. What?
[mouthing]
Oh. Hey, uh, can I help you
with anything?
Pidda.
Oh, we don't,
we don't sell pizza here.
No, Pizza Man. Jay Dilla.
Oh, snap, little man.
What you know about Jay Dilla?
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Actually, you know what?
Why don't you just take this one
on the house?
-Are you sure?
-Oh, yeah, I'm... [indistinct]
-I'm positive.
-Oh, that's so sweet.
-Thank you. Yeah.
-Thank you. I appreciate that.
Thank you. Say bye!
-[boy] Thank you.
-[woman] Thank you.
Okay. All right. See ya.
[mouthing words]
Hey, uh,
thank you for meeting me, sir.
Just need, uh,
another extension.
Hey, I just need
one more extension.
It's not a big deal.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
Thanks, uh,
thanks for meeting with me.
[Banks]
I don't know
what to tell you here, kid.
How the hell
do you owe $178,000?
You own a record store.
Well, I'm--
It's the pandemic, you know?
I mean, it hit us really hard,
and I continued
to pay my employees
full salary--
Yeah, why would you do that?
I mean, what was I
supposed to do? Just fire 'em?
Yes, exactly that.
You're running a business,
not a soup kitchen.
Well, I mean... [sighs]
You know,
they're not numbers to me, okay?
These people are like family.
Unfortunately,
one of them actually is.
And I can sleep good at night,
you know,
knowing I made that decision.
Even though, ironically,
I actually had to move
out of my apartment.
I've been sleeping
in the office. [chuckles]
You're currently residing
in the establishment?
Yeah.
That's a violation.
What? Look... [sighs]
can't we, like,
file an extension or something?
You already filed twice.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing you can do.
There's gotta be something
I can do.
There's not.
Look me in the eyes as a man
and tell me
there's nothing I can do
to save my business.
[sighs]
There's nothing you can do.
[Cooper sighs]
Is that your boy? Real handsome.
Got a strong jawline,
just like his old man.
That's my daughter.
[soft music]
[Cooper]
Isn't there
some kind of a contingency
-or something we can...
-[Banks] I'll take a look.
Don't get your hopes up.
I'll call you later, okay?
f*ck! f*ck!
m*therf*cking b*tch! f*ck'...
[sighs]
I had no idea.
Yeah, I know.
That means I did a good job.
Here you go.
Thank you.
And pancakes.
I put a little smiley face
on there
'cause you seem a little upset.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
[Celeste]
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead, take a bite.
Like, right this second?
Yeah.
Okay.
[crunching]
What is with the crunch on this?
Oh, yeah, those are good.
What is this, toast?
Is this, like, a to--
I'm not even trying
to sound rude at all.
It's just, like...
Listen to that.
Oh, that's a good crunch
on that.
-A-- Good crunch on a pancake?
-You don't like the crunch?
-This is
Cap'n Crunch-level crunch.
-[Celeste] What?
This is like--
What a, what's a--
Master Sergeant Crunch.
It's the home
of the crunchy pancake.
It's been on the sign for years.
-Yeah, it's on the sign.
-[Cooper] Crunch on a pancake?
[Celeste]
It's crunchy on the outside,
pillowy on the inside.
Okay, I don't need
the sarcastic cutting.
I'm just being funny.
But look at me.
I'm being a prick.
If I can be honest with you,
yeah, I'm having
a bad f*cking day.
-[Celeste sighs]
-Okay, um, uh, excuse me.
That's okay.
I curse all the time.
Can you give me one right now?
Okay, well, um, there's...
...c*ck f*ck.
[Melanie]
Oh, two.
Noice. You got any more?
[Celeste]
Um, and then there's, you know,
-suck my a*s, suck my as*h*le...
-[Cooper] Mm.
...suck my gape, suck my gash.
Golly.
There's suck my c**t, obviously.
That's a classic.
Eat my butthole. Eat my slit.
Uh, eat the pancake.
[Celeste]
Yeah.
-Wow.
-Right?
That's really amazing.
Thank you so much.
You're gonna be okay.
I appreciate it.
-[retches]
-Oh, my God. Bad?
-Yeah, it f*cking sucks.
-Okay.
I'm trying to-- I do--
I don't know
what to say, uh, to you. Uh...
Just don't say anything,
all right?
Did-- You haven't told T Man?
-A-- and Tables?
They don't know?
-[chuckles]
-I haven't told them.
I haven't told you because...
-Wait.
...I was hoping there was
something I could do
-to fix this.
-You should've told them sooner.
You should've told me sooner,
to be honest.
I shouldn't have found out
this way.
I was hoping
that I could fix this,
and it doesn't look like I can.
I'm still gonna try. Okay?
-Yeah.
-Here you go, Mel. [exhales]
[Melanie]
Thank you so much.
Look, I'm a hugger. Do you mind?
-Okay.
-Oh.
But I don't like to be touched.
[R&B music playing]
[chuckling] Yo, what the f*ck?
-Yo, this is crazy, bro.
-What, fool?
It's this part
where this n*gga says--
f*ck, it, like, what--
This crazy-a*s n*gga
comes in and--
Uh, I can't even explain it.
Excuse me, but I know
you didn't just say
what I think you said.
Yeah, he did. He sure did.
-I heard him.
-No, I'm so--
It-- Look, it's not what
it sounded like, okay? Uh--
It sounded like you about to
get an a*s whooping, white boy.
Hell, yeah, Unc.
Jump on his a*s, n*gga.
From the top ropes
on that, n*gga.
I got the camera. Let's go.
No, you don't understand.
I'm, I'm Black.
[scoffs] What?
I mean, uh, I'm half Black.
I'm biracial. I'm mixed race.
[sighs] sh*t. n*gro, please.
That's all you had to say.
Oh, man, damn.
Okay,
that's like my biggest fear
just happened, actually.
My kids got a white mama.
God damn, boy.
I bet she got good credit too.
And one of the kids
came out looking like,
you know,
Mr. Clean and sh*t. [chuckles]
See, Coop, you ain't the only
light-skinned n*gga on Earth.
Hey, can you sign
for this, n*gga?
[chuckling] Uh, yeah.
Damn, Coop, he done
called you a n*gga in public.
n*gga, you like that sh*t,
don't you?
This is your moment, fool.
You've been waiting on this sh*t
since we was kids, n*gga.
[man chuckles]
-Feel good about it.
-I know.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
I mean, thanks, n*gga.
There you go, brother.
-All right.
-All right.
Y'all stay Black. [chuckles]
I'll try.
Yeah, keep tryin'.
Have some
Motherfuckin' respect
For your elders
I'm your daddy
Listen
If you wanna ball like me
Then you gotta hustle
'Cause p*ssy ain't free
If you really wanna succeed
Open up your mind...
-What's up, y'all?
-[T Man] That's a good question.
-What's happenin'?
-What's goin' on, Smoke Dog?
Hey, Ms. Lady.
If you really wanna succeed
Open up your mind...
-[grunts] What's up, Daddy?
-What's up?
Ow! What the f*ck
is wrong with you?
What the f*ck
is wrong with you, man?
I heard you're losing the shop.
Damn, Daddy. Why'd you--
why the f*ck you comin'
at me like that, man?
Man, what the f*ck is goin' on
with you, huh?
-What? Wait, wait.
-I taught you better than that.
You a Black man.
Where'd you hear
I was losing the shop?
Man, streets talk.
-I heard everything
in the streets, man.
-The street?
-You're 70 years old.
What the f*ck are you doin'--
-That don't f*ck' matter.
-You in the streets at 70?
-n*gga, I'm in the streets,
I'm in the sheets.
I be hustlin'.
I be hustling, Cooper.
-Hustling what?
-Hustlin' everything.
Pills, women. I hustle them all.
Anything that's gonna
make me some money.
-Damn.
-Don't you know
your daddy is a...
P-I-M-P?
Damn. Hit that. What--
That sounded good.
Hit that one more time.
-P-I-M-P
-P
-You, you wild, Daddy.
You a wild...
-[laughing]
-...a wild guy.
-Hey. Yeah, but you know
I love you.
-I love you too.
-You know, and you could,
you could let me know
how I can help you.
But I can't help you
with no money, son.
-Uh, my money is tied up
in bonds overseas.
-What you--
n*gga, what are you,
James Bond overseas?
What kind of sh*t is that?
No, man, I ain't James Bond.
I'm just Smokey.
n*gga, you got some sh*t
on your lip. What the f*ck?
Okay. You good?
What you, what you for--
what you doing?
I guess it must be from...
[sniffles]
eating that good p*ssy.
You're aware
you're, like, 70 years old?
-I can still do my thing,
you know?
-Hm.
Don't you wish
you'd be able to do your thing
when you're my age?
Your d*ck still get hard?
Oh, man. Does it?
-Uh, does it? I'm asking.
-Like Chinese arithmetic,
brother.
n*gga, what the f*ck
are you talkin' about?
You haven't explained to me
why you are losing your shop.
Hold on. Hold on.
Let me pretend I'm you, eh?
Well, son, let me tell you
what you should do, son.
You should open up
a appliance center, okay?
And put--
Invest it in blenders, n*gga.
Invest it in blenders.
And I'm, like, "Okay, Dad."
-Where the weed at, n*gga?
I ain't got time for this sh*t.
-You trying to smoke?
-Damn right,
I'm trying to smoke.
-You trying to smoke right now?
-Right now.
-Say, "I wanna smoke right now."
I wanna smoke right now.
There's no way
this m*therf*cker right here
is your dad, dude.
-What do you mean? Look--
-You're white as f*ck, bruh.
His mom's white as f*ck, bruh.
-Look at this--
-She was Caucasian.
I need to see f*ck'--
some f*ck' proof, bruh.
-Like, some--
-What are you...
He's right in front of you.
So, this, this is your son?
Of course. Cooper,
aren't you my young man?
Yeah, n*gga, drop your pants.
We both got the same size d*ck.
It's huge.
Unh, unh, unh...
Why don't Black chicks
like me, man?
-What? Lack you--
-Black chicks.
Black chicks don't like me, man.
'Cause you ain't got
no d*ck, dude.
[laughs]
Check, unh...
Damn, n*gga,
that's fast as sh*t.
Unh. Okay, n*gga, stay
on the metronome. n*gga, sh*t.
Your grandmother told me that...
p*ssy ain't nothing
But meat on a bone
-Unh
-You can f*ck it
You can suck it
You can leave it alone
Yeah, one and only
These are
The motherfuckin' stonies
Straight-up jabroni
You gotta get it
Feelin' stony
One of a kind when I rhyme
Off the top of my mind
These m*therf*ckers know
I put it
In the b*tch's spine...
The only thing that's offensive
about somebody sayin' "n*gga"
-is when they say "n*gg*r."
-Yeah.
-[indistinct]
-When Leonardo DiCaprio
did that sh*t in Django,
I was f*cked up.
But that was a bar, man.
He had to play that, n*gga.
He, he played it, n*gga,
to my heart, n*gga.
I was mad at the n*gga
ever since.
-I don't even f*ck
with his movies no more.
-Oh.
'Cause she's
A crackhead b*tch
Suckin' on a glass d*ck
-Say what? Say what?
-What?
-What?
-She's a crackhead b*tch
Suckin' on the Devil's
-Ding dong
-Ding dong
n*gga
["Love is a Funny Game"
by Sean Wolcott]
[band vocalizing]
T Man, what the f*ck?
What are you doing?
Just making sure, n*gga.
What? Isn't that--
It's not broken.
He's making sure
no one's stealing,
like he always is.
Bro, are you serious?
You know, we've only ever had
one shoplifter,
and the kid was, like, 12.
And you literally punched him
in the stomach.
Nah, n*gga,
you never know, fool.
Look around this m*therf*cker.
First of all,
we ain't got no cameras, n*gga.
Need to invest
in a motherfuckin'
camera system.
'Cause, look, n*gga, it could
be this old m*therf*cker
in the back
acting all weird
and alone and sh*t.
[screams]
[T Man]
Or them g*y Chinese n*gg*s
over there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why, why you gotta say
they're g*y?
'Cause I saw them g*y-a*s n*gg*s
kissin' outside
when I was smokin'
a doinker earlier, fool.
I don't give a f*ck
them n*gg*s is g*y, Coop.
I'm just making
an observation, fool.
They g*y, so what?
You've done
g*y sh*t before, n*gga.
I don't give a f*ck.
Uh, what's, like--
What, what g*y sh*t?
It's not-- I mean, wha--
You know, when you're,
you're, like,
you're, like, young,
like 11, 12,
and you're spending the night
at your homie's house,
and it's like a sleepover,
and you guys
are both under the covers,
you got the flashlight
and you're telling,
you f*cking reading
Goosebumpsand sh*t,
and everything's all fun,
and then the lights go out.
And, uh, you know,
the hands come out,
and, uh, next thing you know,
you're jerking your friend off
and he's jerking you off,
and you're, like,
totally pretending
it's Jessica Chasmore
from fourth period.
And it's like a whole thing,
but it's, you know,
it's not g*y.
I mean, it's--
I mean, kind of g*y,
but not really.
Just more about,
like, trying to figure it out
and, like, explore.
That's all it was.
You know? Like three times.
-Five times, max.
-Five times, fool?
It took you five times
to realize you wasn't g*y, Coop?
That's a lot, n*gga.
Yeah, that, that, that's true.
It's not like I came.
Well, I mean,
I did have an orgasm,
but it was just, I was so young.
It was like ghost loads.
-Nothing came out.
-What about that time
you sucked
that n*gga's d*ck, fool?
[Melanie]
Oh.
You sucked a d*ck?
I mean, I didn't suck his d*ck.
You know what I mean?
It was just
more like a, a little lick.
-Look.
-Explain yourself, n*gga.
Oh, my God.
[Cooper]
I licked his d*ck three times
for $5 in which
he did not give me.
And the lesson I got was
do not suck d*ck for money.
And foreskin is salty.
And that was it.
Cooper, I wonder
if this sort of sounds like
you might have been assaulted.
Actually, I have been molested.
It wasn't that. Trust me.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Like I was saying, n*gga...
[chuckling]
I don't give a f*ck
if n*gg*s is g*y, fool.
-Shh.
-[Cooper] Well, then why
you gotta say they're Chinese?
You don't know, man.
They could be Taiwanese.
They could be Korean.
They could be, uh, Japanese.
Like, what the f*ck?
Have some respect.
You don't know
that they're Chinese.
-There are people in the store.
-[T Man] I heard them fools
talking a little
chit-chat sh*t earlier.
Talking about some...
[speaks Mandarin]
n*gga, in Mandarin.
Uh, what does that mean?
It means "I wanna
f*ck you tonight." [chuckles]
-Oh.
-Wait. Hold on.
You, you know Mandarin?
I know things, n*gga.
I taught myself that sh*t
to get better prices
on fabric downtown.
And another thing
I motherfuckin' know?
Somebody in this b*tch
stealing some sh*t
right now, n*gga.
And it's probably
who you least expected, fool.
-Like who?
-Ooh, like that pregnant b*tch
over there.
-I bet she's shoving merchandise
up her p*ssy, n*gga.
-Shut the f*ck up.
Shh!
[whispering] Shut the f*ck up.
This is like the definition
of ignorance.
If you opened the dictionary
and searched
for the word "ignorant..."
-T Man, right there.
-Yes.
I looked it up.
It is. It's his face.
-[Cooper] She's not stealing.
-Look, I know, fool.
I just ain't realized
how fine she was. Damn.
Bussin'
["Moonrise Kingdom"
by Michael Wood]
Boop.
-sh*t, bro, what's up?
-[Cooper] Yo.
Slaydro. What the f*ck, man?
Bro, I haven't seen you
in forever.
[exhales] I know. I know, man.
Yeah, you know me.
I'm just out here... [scoffs]
dodgin' cops and coppin' digits.
-[chuckles] So, same as always.
-Yeah, yeah.
You know, I got arrested
for a little bit.
I was, I was in jail
for, like, three weeks.
So, that's why, like, my bad
I didn't hit you up
and, and see if you wanted
to re-up on the weed.
-But hopefully it lasted.
-Oh.
You know what?
If I can be honest with you,
and I swear to God
I'm not just saying this,
it was the best f*cking weed
I've ever smoked in my life.
That's what I aim to do.
I'm here to supply...
-Yeah, I just smoked...
-...a good time.
...the last roach of it
this morning,
and I was gonna
hit the dispensary, actually.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh.
[retches]
-What?
-Don't ever say that word
in front of me again.
-What?
-Dispensa... [retches]
-[chuckles]
-You kidding me?
You cannot.
I mean, you cannot buy
from those Ronald McDonald
McFuck assholes, all right?
You gotta buy from the people
who live to supply, you know?
All right, well... what you got?
Me? Oh, I got nothin'.
What do you mean you d--
You sell weed.
No. No, no, no. Not no more.
I'm on house arrest. See?
Wait, wait.
You're on house arrest
right now?
Mm-hm. That's why
I can't sell you weed.
Yeah, but you also
can't leave your house.
Do you understand that?
No, no, no, I can.
I put pillows
under the blankets,
so when they get there...
[chuckles] we're all good.
Home Alonethat sh*t.
You know what I mean?
You're f*ck' joking.
You're joking.
No, dude.
You Macaulay Culk-can't
leave your home alone
when you're on house arrest.
You're wearing
an ankle bracelet.
[stutters]
So I have to leave with someone?
-Home al-- alone?
-I'm-- What I'm trying
to tell you,
-you're wearing
an ankle bracelet...
-Yeah.
...that is supposed
to monitor you
inside of your house.
-Uh-huh.
-And you're outside
of your house.
But the pillows.
But the bracelet.
Slaydro, do the math.
You look like
f*cking Zach Galifianakis
in The Hangoverright now.
Ah.
I think I f*cked up.
Yeah, you think you f*cked up?
-I know you f*cked up.
-Oh, I gotta go home.
-Yes, you do.
-Oh, man. I gotta go home,
like, right now.
Okay. I think
you're right. Yeah.
Yeah. f*ck. I gotta go home.
-Go home.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-All right.
-But you need weed, right?
-Hm.
-I never leave a brother dry.
Just call this number.
-You see? All right. Bob.
-Mm-hm.
He's not gonna say nothing.
Just tell him how much you want,
where to meet him, what time.
He'll be there.
Wait, what do you mean
he's not gonna say any--
Like, I'm gonna call him and--
Yeah, he won't talk at all.
You mean, like,
like Helen Keller?
No, no, no. He leaves his attic.
So it's all good.
[static crackling]
["Fear" by Logic]
I can't let you
Hold me back...
There it is.
Hey, Cooper. How are you?
Oh, sh*t. What's up, bro?
-I haven't seen you--
-[gasps] "Bro"?
Do I look like bro right now?
I'm offended.
Address me as the queen I am.
Is this really what we're doing?
Yes, it is.
Okay. All right. Well... [sighs]
Hi, b*tch! Oh, my God.
You look
so motherfuckin' beautiful.
You just look so damn good
You just bust it
On the floor
-Is that good enough?
-Why you have to be
such an as*h*le like that?
-You better kiss my hand.
-That I'm not doing.
That is definitely
not happening.
Yes, it is. Kiss it.
-Please kiss my hand.
-No.
Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-No. No.
-Yes.
-Yes. Yes.
-No. No.
-Yes. Yes. Yes.
-No. No. No!
-Yes. Yes.
-No! No! All right!
-I always get my way.
-Anyway, m*therf*cker,
what's up?
I have a huge gig tonight
at the Aquarius Theater.
I'm looking for something
to get jiggy with.
-Big Willie Style?
-Yes.
It's giving vibes.
You know,
'cause Will Smith slaps.
You're crazy, dude.
I mean, sister.
I'm not your bro,
I'm not your sister,
I'm not a dude,
-but I can be your homegirl.
-[giggles]
Anyway, um, why don't you
just take this on the house?
-Cooper, that's so sweet of you.
Thank you.
-Yeah, come on. Of course. Yeah.
Make sure you're safe,
and don't do nothin' too crazy.
And, uh, break a leg.
My legs are always broke.
All right. For sure. Peace out.
You're cute.
See you later, girl.
-All right. Bye.
-Bye.
[soft rock music]
Hey, dude, what's up?
What's up, white boy?
-Do you sell drugs?
-What?
Like, are you holding?
Holding this d*ck, m*therf*cker.
What you lookin' for?
Can I have $20 worth, please?
Yeah, put it right there, n*gga.
Quick, fool. Quick.
Don't look around, neither.
How the hell did you find me
anyway, white boy?
On this subreddit.
It was called Black People
of Bend.
What the f*ck was you doing
on all Black People
of Bend, though?
I think Black women
are extremely beautiful.
Mm, me too, n*gga.
This n*gga Coop...
Grab that sh*t quick.
Grab it quick. Grab it quick.
Do you sell any Coke or Brown?
Hell no.
Or, like, hydras or ketamine
or Norcos or Oxys
or Percocets or triple Cs?
-What?
-Do you sell any Lexapro?
I don't f*ck with none of them
white people drugs.
Only what comes out
of Mother Nature's p*ssy, n*gga.
-Ozempic.
-No.
-[snaps fingers]
Get the f*ck outta here.
-What?
Get the f*ck outta here.
-What?
-Get the f*ck outta here,
white boy.
Go, n*gga, quick.
Move fast. Hurry up. n*gga, go.
-Get the f*ck up outta here. Go.
-What did I say
about selling weed in the store?
-Not to sell it.
-Okay.
Coop, that was just oregano.
n*gga, it ain't that deep.
-Chill, cuz.
-It is that deep.
What if he starts smokin' it
and f*ck' acting
like an Italian?
n*gga, these m*therf*ckers
be so drugged out on other sh*t
they can't even
tell the difference.
Coop, what you talkin' about?
[sighs] Look, bro,
I don't want some m*therf*cker
who looks like God and dogma
in my store, okay?
I don't want
these people around.
What if he comes back here?
Then I'll beat their a*s, Coop.
You know what time it is.
Well, what if one of these kids
f*ck' tells their parents?
Coop, first of all,
what type of drug addict
tells their parents
they're on drugs, my n*gga?
That sh*t sound crazy.
And second, even if they did,
fool, what they gonna do?
Call the police?
Like, uh, "Yes, Officer,
uh, there's a large n*gg*r
at Paradise Records.
Can we please send a SWAT team
down there?
-He's sellin' fake marijuana."
-Can you chill for a second?
You might not be
taking this sh*t seriously,
but I take it seriously.
What is wrong with you?
You need to f*ck' start
acting more professional, bro.
Bro, why are you coming at me
like that, Coop?
You're selling fake weed
at work.
Bro, you acting
like we're gonna lose the shop
over that little-a*s play.
n*gga, chill.
No, it's not even
about that, bro.
At this point, I just feel like
you take advantage of me.
You walk all over me, man.
You f*ck' show up late,
you leave early.
Coop, I was on time
every single day this week.
n*gga, what you talkin' about?
Tremaine, it's Monday.
Look, all I'm sayin'--
You know what?
I don't even wanna
have this conversation
with you right now.
Go to lunch, please.
Take your break.
Thank you, employee. Goodbye.
n*gga, I'm not even
hungry, fool.
I don't give a f*ck.
Go take your lunch.
n*gga, I ain't gonna
take no lunch.
But what I will do, Coop,
Lite-Brite, Casper,
is I'll go smoke me
a little doinker, n*gga,
'cause you is trippin'
right now.
Cooper. Hey.
Mike.
Mike Hawk, your neighbor.
You know why I'm here.
Just do us both a favor.
Finally sell me
your location, okay?
Uh, no, thanks.
What are you talking about?
Okay, listen.
A little birdie told me
that you're going
through some financial troubles.
Well, let me help you.
I'll buy your shop.
Everybody wins.
Uh, what are you talk-- No.
I literally lose my shop
and every--
No, I-- How do I win
in that situation?
Okay, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
I can't handle the word "no."
-Uh...
-So, let's just avoid that.
Okay? Think about it
a little bit longer.
Get back to me, okay?
I'll even hire all your people.
All of them.
Everybody wins.
You know, I really wish
T Man was here right now
to say some r*cist
white people sh*t.
God, that would
make us uncomfortable,
wouldn't it?
Hey, us white people
gotta stick together.
-What the-- What?
-What?
-What?
-Hey.
I'm just saying
what we're both thinking.
Just call me about this, okay?
I'll buy it.
I'm not white.
Man, what's up
with White Devil Cooper
talkin' to me like that, bro?
[Tables sighs]
Yeah, man, I don't know.
He's honestly been acting
kind of strange
for the last few weeks.
Homie don't play that sh*t, man.
And he lucky he my cousin.
Treat me like
an employee and sh*t.
Okay, not to play
White Devil's advocate here,
but you were selling drugs
inside of his business.
Bro, it wasn't f*ck' drugs.
And he's lucky
I got people coming
in this slow-a*s m*therf*cker.
Coop was
being an as*h*le, Tables.
Okay, T Man,
I'm gonna level with you.
When Cooper
started this business,
he could have
hired anybody in the w--
anybody
in the Greater Portland area
to be there for him when he did.
-But he chose you.
-Right.
Okay? And, yeah,
you're a decent employee,
but you sell fake drugs,
and you often show up late,
and then usually leave early.
So, when you think about it,
you're kind of
being the as*h*le.
Yeah, real talk with Tables.
Mic drop.
Man, f*ck that mic.
But-- Don't kick my mic, man.
I drink too much
And work too little
["Sweet Lovin'" by Logic]
Between life and death
I'm in the middle
I write these words
And don't know
The meaning behind them
I'm just floating
Through the universe
I don't know what I'm doing
I wish I had it figured out
But one thing
I know for sure...
Coop.
Yo, Coop.
-Cooper.
-Oh, sh*t.
My bad.
Um...
I, uh...
Look, I just...
I wanted to talk to you
about what happened earlier.
Coop, I get it, man.
I'm trying to tell you
that I was so pissed off earlier
-because I'm losing this--
-'Cause I was being
a f*ck' as*h*le, bro. I know.
No, Tremaine.
-It's--
-Look, bro,
I'm not good at apologizing
and sayin' I'm sorry
and all that sh*t, bro,
but you're
the responsible one, Coop.
You're the one who gave me
a job when I needed it.
You're the one
who owns the shop, bro,
and be paying
all the bills and sh*t.
I get it. Just listen
to what I'm trying to say.
Nah, n*gga, you listen.
This place,
it means a lot to me, cuz.
This opportunity
you gave me, bro.
sh*t's life-changing, man.
Looked out
for your big cousin, man,
when he needed it most.
I was down and out, man,
just scrapin' up change,
hustling whatever I could, bro.
And... you saw that, man,
and you f*ck' pulled me
out of that gutter, bro,
and gave me this chance, man.
And I f*ck' always
f*ck' love you
for that sh*t, bro.
And I don't mean
to be coming in this b*tch
-and f*ck' it up,
takin' it for granted.
-[chuckles]
So, you know what, n*gga?
I'ma stop sellin' oregano
and I'ma stop
showin' up late, fool.
Ah.
Thank you, Tremaine.
I really appreciate it, man.
I got your back
to the end, n*gga.
-Remember that sh*t.
-Okay.
You know, cats like us,
we don't really talk
about our emotions.
I'm just dealing with sh*t
like anybody, and I...
...I don't think I'm ready
to really talk about it.
And I just,
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
for how I was acting,
and I care about you.
And you have been there for me.
-I appreciate it.
-We family, n*gga.
-We good?
-Of course we're good.
[both]
n*gga!
[mimics ejaculating]
Oh, Pee-wee Herman
lookin'-a*s, n*gga.
Boy, you look like you moan
when you sh*t.
-n*gga, f*ck you!
-[laughs]
That sh*t feels good
sometimes, n*gga.
Your hairline
look g*dd*mn cursive, n*gga.
[swishes]
Your credit score
is a single digit.
Well, you look like Bobby Hill.
Your beard makes
your entire face look like
it's made out of pubes.
You look like a, uh,
extra on Bebe's Kids.
[chuckles] That's a deep
Black reference, n*gga.
Well, n*gga, you look like salt.
[laughing]
Unh, a'ight, something
I can relate to
Is being called
"Colored," "Mullato"
"Zebra," "Lite-Brite"
You n*gg*s questioning
If I can even say "n*gga"
Yeah
DJ Drama
Gangsta, gangsta, gangsta
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah
Okay, I've been there
I've done that
This rap sh*t had to
Get 'round from that
My therapy
Helping the boy unpack, yeah
The reason I left
And don't wanna come back
Made 100 million
And was still depressed
You know, with or without it
We still stressed, you know
With or without it
We still blessed
Stealth mode
Like Ellie in Hillcrest
Yeah, everybody gonna die
Gonna go, I know
That's why I flow like a river
My liver can't take no more
Ain't no more f*ck to give
I gotta live my life...
[continues indistinctly]
[muted]
Yo, you a cop?
-What?
-I said, are you a f*cking cop?
We're not selling donuts here,
m*therf*cker.
Oh, no, I, I got your number
from Slaydro.
The f*ck did you say?
I said I got your number
from Slaydro.
Slaydro?
-Slaydro?
-Yeah.
[mimics turntable spinning]
Why didn't you just say so, man?
-He's our brother
from another mother.
-Oh, okay.
We spent six months in the joint
with him, man.
He talks a lot,
and he's on the spectrum,
but his weed
is f*ck' smashin'.
It is pretty f*cking good.
But I heard
y'all got that sh*t, so, uh,
can I get something
off you guys?
Yo, man, there's an art
to this, man.
You gotta put $100
In the palm of my hand
-You gotta--
-Yeah, listen.
I'm sorry, I'm not...
I'm really not trying
to sound like an as*h*le
or anything, but can I just,
can I just
buy some f*ck' weed?
What? He doesn't wanna
hear me sing? What the f*ck?
Yeah. Okay, white boy,
take this sh*t and get the f*ck
outta here, then.
-Enjoy the Blueberry Buttfucker.
[chuckles]
-Wait, uh--
Did you just say
Blueberry Buttfucker?
What? I don't know.
Is this weed
called "Blueberry Buttfucker"?
Yeah. Why? You afraid
to get a little buttfucked?
[snickers]
Get a little buttfucked?
Me and my hetero lifemate
don't have time
for people
who don't know the art of weed.
Oh, my God.
I can't f*cking believe this.
[clears throat] Okay.
What do you got?
Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.
We got the classic Snoogins OG.
That's right.
Snoochie boochies.
Nugs tighter
than a nun's coochie.
sh*t, that must be
f*ck' tight as sh*t.
And then we got
Blueberry Buttfucker,
which you already know about.
Clearly.
And then my personal favorite,
Goldie Locks.
[chuckles]
Why is it called that?
'Cause it's just right.
Uh, all right,
give me some of the Goldie sh*t.
Um...
Yeah, son.
All right. Thanks a lot.
Appreciate it.
Well, yo. Oh, my God.
This is f*ck' am...
[phone rings]
-Paradise Records.
-[Banks] This is
loan officer Banks.
Can I speak
to Cooper Johnson, please?
Yeah, one second, please.
[softly] Where the f*ck Coop at?
-Uh, this is Cooper.
-Well, as we discussed,
I looked through your file,
and there's really
nothing in here
that can extend the 178,000
that you owe.
Fact is, you have to sell
and repay your debt
or the bank
will attain your business
and all its assets.
-If you'd like to come in,
we can--
-What the f*ck?
-I left it by the front.
-Dude, I'm telling you,
-it's not here.
I've already looked.
-I don't understand.
[T Man]
You b*tch-a*s n*gga.
You weren't gonna
f*ck' tell us, n*gga?
-Tell us what?
-That we're losing
the f*cking shop, Tables,
and we 'bout to lose
our f*ck' jobs too, bro.
Whoa, Cooper,
what is he talking about?
He was gonna tell you guys.
It's cool.
You told this b*tch before us,
n*gga? Your own cousin?
Hey, T Man, normally I know
when you say "b*tch,"
you don't mean it like that,
but if you say it in that tone
one more f*cking time,
I'm gonna f*cking
cut your d*ck off.
Look, I was gonna tell you guys.
Yeah, sure you were, n*gga.
Listen to what I'm saying, okay?
It's just--
It's been this whole--
-It's just--
-Dude, this is really f*cked up.
I thought
the shop was doing great.
It is doing great. It is.
I'm just trying
to tell you guys--
How could you
f*ck' do this, Coop?
Oh, my God! How could I do this?
How could I do this?
What the f*ck?
I have been sleeping
in the f*cking office.
I'm, I'm cooking eggs
on a f*ck'
propane camping setup.
I've been washing my ba*ls
in the sink.
-What?
-I had to move out
of my f*cking apartment for you!
All right? So I'm sorry.
I'm f*ck' sorry
that I did everything I could
and borrowed money from the bank
to try to keep
this f*ck' place afloat!
Move!
[sighs]
Uh, well, that definitely
sheds some more light
on the situation.
[exhales]
Yeah, and why
it smells like f*ck' ba*ls
in the bathroom.
[soft music]
[drums fade in]
Yo, what's that thing
where white people show up
and they give away money
'cause they feel bad
for you and sh*t?
A fundraiser?
Nah, n*gga.
Not a f*ck' fundraiser.
f*ck'-- What am I thinkin' of?
Oh, church, n*gga.
Yeah, church. Kanye did it.
-Remember?
-[Cooper] Mm.
Mike Hawk offered
to buy the shop out.
If he does that...
I'll have enough money to...
...pay the bank back
and kind of start fresh,
I guess.
Mike Hawk? That guy's a d*uche.
And I thought you said
we could keep our jobs.
Yeah, he'd employ you.
I don't want to work
at some lame-a*s arcade, n*gga.
What if we just sold
a bunch of inventory?
I mean, not to sound
like an as*h*le,
but that's literally
what I try to do
every single day for a living
-as much as I can.
-[Melanie] Yeah.
['70s funky disco music]
[Candelabra]
Thank you, Daddy.
Hey-hey! There's my nephew.
How you doin'? What's goin' on?
Oh, sh*t. It's Uncle Tony, Coop.
[Tony]
That's right, it's Uncle Tony.
How you doin'?
-What's up?
-We good?
-Yeah, we good.
-Everything's great?
I'm f*ck' great.
I just did a bump
in the parking lot.
How ya-- Uh, uh, what,
what's goin' on with you?
You good?
-Hey, Uncle Tony.
-[Tony] Look at this kid.
Doesn't he look just like me?
It's weird.
It's so weird.
I don't know how you
came out of my sister's vag*na
and not my ba*ls.
It's like a spitting image.
You're a f*ck' sexy beast.
I just want to,
I just want to say it's funny,
'cause, you know,
he's actually half Black.
-Oh.
-I know. I mean,
his father is, you know,
his father's Black,
but he doesn't look it at all.
But he says, he says the *-word
all the time.
It makes everybody
around him uncomfortable.
-It's ridiculous. You know?
-[chuckles]
And he's, like,
"It's my identity.
It's my identity.
It's who I am."
No, it's f*ck' not. You can't
identify as Black, moron.
[chuckles]
Look at this f*ck' idiot.
You know what I love?
Black women. Clearly.
You see, you see
what I'm talkin' about?
Uncle Tony loves
the Black women.
Incredible.
And when I'm with you,
it is just like, uh--
I'm like the only white man
that was ever invited
to Wakanda.
You know what I mean?
What kinda things
I do to that p*ssy.
-[chuckles] Oh my gosh.
-I'll never tell.
[chuckles] I'll never tell.
I f*cked it! I did.
-Uh, hello.
-[Tony] Oh, sh*t.
How f*ck' long
have I been standing here?
I'm sorry, everybody.
This is Candelabra.
Candelabra, this is, uh, uh...
This is Cooper here.
Cooper, this is Candelabra.
-It's, uh, Candelabra.
-Hello there.
Hi. I'm Candelabra.
It's so nice to meet you.
I hope you don't mind,
but I'm a hugger.
Okay. Oh, all right.
Okay. There.
[phone rings]
Oh, I gotta get that.
So, this album right here,
oh, my God, it was,
like, late n--
Uh, what was it, '78?
Sometimes it's hard to remember,
but this disco record
was f*ck' everything.
19-m*therf*cking-78 right there.
The music, the movies,
the f*ck' disco.
And the comedy.
-I mean, you know,
George Carlin, Richard Pryor.
-Mm.
Prior to what?
Anyway, y-- So, yeah,
it was, it was just comedy.
You said whatever you want.
You don-- You weren't trying
to hurt anybody
or anything like that.
It was crazy. I mean, back then,
people could take a joke
like you take a d*ck,
sweetheart. [chuckles]
-Whatever.
-Sorry. Do you actually think
that is true?
Well, clearly you do,
'cause you're kind of
just saying
whatever the f*ck you want.
Uh, yes, young lady. I do.
You haven't seen
how talented Candelabra is.
-She could suck
the white off rice.
-Oh.
She turned my foreskin
into an eightskin. Haa!
-Yeah, that wasn't
what I was talking about.
-[Tony] Uh-huh.
I'm talking about
how it seems like you think
that women are objects.
Whoa, whoa. J-- J--
Retract the claws, pussycat.
I mean you no harm.
I come in peace.
[scoffs] Actually, I come
quite aggressively. Haa!
-Ahhh! [slurping]
-You like this or...
-Oh, no, she loves it.
-I have a dirty daddy kink.
-Okay. Best of luck to you.
-[mumbles]
[sighs] Damn, somebody
really upset this b*tch.
Hey, half-breed, let's go.
I gotta talk to you
about something.
Look, kid, I,
I hate to keep hitting you up
for cash like this.
You know
what I'm talkin' about? But...
[clears throat]
I need it, all right?
-I f*ck' need it. I mean it.
-Uncle Tony, I don't have it.
What are you talkin' about?
What do I look like?
A f*ck' dog?
Yeah, I don't have,
I don't have any money.
Do I look like some
kind of f*ck' ret*rd to you?
-I can't do that right now.
-Is that what you think? Right?
-Huh? Listen. Listen to me.
-What do you mean,
what am I talkin' about?
-You f*ck'--
You come in here all the time.
-Your auntie in there,
-Candelabra. She means...
-And you, you're always
askin' me for sh*t. And I,
-I do. I help you.
-...a lot to me, all right?
We're in f*ck' love.
-[cross talk]
-'Cause we're family,
and you were there for me when--
-Oh, my gosh,
she's down for anything.
-Kinda,
-when my mom died.
-All the things.
-All the positions.
All the styles.
-But I don't...
-You know?
And sometimes it's only, like...
-Listen, I need to...
-...$20 extra.
-...tell you something,
all right?
-It's crazy. Now, our love...
-Listen.
-Our love... is by the hour.
-Listen.
-[sighs]
I need to tell you something.
-Okay?
-What? The g*y thing? I know.
-What? No!
It's not a big deal. Whatever.
f*ck who you want.
What is with everyone
thinkin' I'm g*y?
-Why does everybody say this?
-Listen to what I'm saying.
Do you think
-I'm a f*cking ret*rd?
-It was just eight times.
-Like, max.
-Listen to
-what I'm saying to you.
-I don't get it.
I got some wise guys
after me, okay?
I owe, I owe some people
some money I shouldn't,
shouldn't have,
I shouldn't have
f*cked around with, okay?
And I, I need a little bit
of help from you.
I need about $1000.
Uncle Tony, I, I don't,
I don't have any money
to give you.
Come on. When do I ask you
for things? You know?
-Tony, this is not a good time
for me, man.
-Not until this is a danger.
-I'm not trying to be all extra
and emotional or whatever.
-I think...
-I just--
-I think I need-- I'm gonna
need about 1000 from you.
Please. All right?
[sighs, mutters]
Nice. All right.
That's what the f*ck
I'm talkin' about.
All right, listen. Nephew,
I want to thank you so much.
I will not forget
what you did here today,
all right?
-You know?
-Of course.
All right? You f*ck'
little Mudblood. [chuckles]
I'm not g*y, by the way.
You never saw me, Mulatto.
Let's go. Ahem.
-[T Man] Bye, Uncle Tony.
-[Tony] All right, bye.
[both]
Bye, Candelabra!
-Bye. [gasps]
-[cloth rips]
-Damn. There they are.
-Damn!
-Oh, no. My dress.
-Here you go.
-[chuckles] This is crazy.
-[T Man] Damn. f*ck that nail.
That sh*t
happened to me earlier.
I'll fix that sh*t for you.
-Really?
-Yeah. No problem.
-I got you.
-Thank you.
All right, well, look,
since you seem to, uh,
be wrapped up over here,
I think I'm gonna go
get a slushie. And then
I'll just sit in the car
and jerk off for a little bit,
wait for you.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
And I'll see you in two shakes
of a lamb's tail, sweetheart.
All right?
-Okay, baby.
-Okay, bye.
God damn. My goodness.
-You're a lifesaver.
-Easy call.
[woman vocalizing]
Thanks a million.
It's as good as new.
Like nothing ever happened.
Hell yeah. Anytime, slime.
I got you.
Bye, guys.
[both]
Bye, Candelabra!
[man breathing heavily]
[man 1]
Two minutes, in and out.
How's the radio?
[man 2]
Nothin'.
[man 1]
All right, gloves.
[man 2 strains]
f*ck.
It's fine. It's fine.
Just get another one.
Remember, 240 seconds.
Front door to the teller,
back out.
No bills from the bottom.
No dye packs.
Anybody f*ck with you,
you sh**t 'em.
[man 2]
Why the f*ck did you
borrow that money from Frankie
and gamble it away?
He's gonna f*cking k*ll us.
Now's not the time,
you understand me?
One minute.
[suspenseful music]
There he is.
Masks.
-[man 1 exhales]
-[man 2 breathes heavily]
[man 1]
f*cking go time.
[g*n c*ck]
[g*n c*ck]
[man 1]
Everybody on the ground!
-[people clamoring]
-[man 1] Move!
Don't you do it!
Don't you f*cking do it!
-[g*nsh*t]
-[woman screams]
[rap music]
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo
Unh
Yo...
Man.
Police done k*lled
another Black man.
Can't walk, can't drive.
Can't even
send our kids to school
without wonderin' if we gonna
see 'em again, Coop.
f*ck the police, man.
Yeah, man,
I saw that sh*t today.
It really f*cked me up.
-Nah, n*gga, f*ck every last one
of them n*gg*s.
-What?
I mean, not all cops are bad,
bro, you know?
-n*gga, what kind of half-breed
All Lives Matter sh*t is that?
-What the--
Why you gotta say
sh*t like that?
I'm, I'm just simply sayin'
not all cops, uh,
you know,
just wanna k*ll brothers.
I think
there are some police officers
who genuinely
wanna protect and serve.
That's all I'm saying.
n*gga, if you got one dirty cop
sittin' at a table with nine
wholehearted police officers,
news flash, Coop,
you got ten dirty cops
sittin' at the table,
eatin' f*ck' donuts
and sh*t, my n*gga.
Look, I'm just sayin',
what type
of self-respecting human being
judges another
solely off the color
of their skin, my n*gga?
What type of sh*t is that?
[man]
Excuse me.
Hip-hop's in the back, n*gga.
-What the--
-Anyway...
I'm sorry about that, sir.
Uh, welcome to Paradise.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking
for the hip-hop section.
Yeah, it's right--
It's just right there
in the back.
-All righty.
-Okay, thank you.
-Exactly, n*gga.
-What the f*ck
is wrong with you, bro?
-What?
-What do you mean, "what"?
You say all that sh*t
that you just said
and then you tell a Black man
who walked into the store,
didn't even open his mouth
to ask a question.
You tell him
hip-hop's in the back?
That's r*cist.
[chuckles] n*gga,
first of all, I'm Black, fool.
You forgot?
I can't be r*cist, Coop.
And second, n*gga, why the hell
is the hip-hop section
all the way in the back, n*gga?
That's some
Rosa Parks-a*s sh*t, n*gga.
Your half-white side
is creepin' out a little bit
-on that one.
-Shut the f*ck up.
And, third, my n*gga,
what I said wasn't r*cist, fool.
It was prejudice.
Mike Hawk has entered.
Cooper, let's have a talk
in my new office.
f*ck a arcade. I don't wanna
work for a white man.
You already do.
-Oh, my God.
-Tremaine, just chill out, okay?
I'll be back in a second.
I don't get why it is so hard
for you to let go of this.
What do you mean?
Why do you say it like that?
This is awesome.
I love this place, man,
you know?
And... I mean,
how would you feel
if you had
to get rid of your business?
It wouldn't happen.
Well, you know, I really care
about these people, man.
I don't know about you
and how you feel and...
But I-- These people are...
my family, man.
Look, I'll keep 'em on board.
I, I know. We talked about it.
I appreciate it.
Till they f*ck up,
and then I'll fire 'em. Okay?
I mean, that one guy,
for sure getting fired quick.
[chuckles] I just don't think
he can hack it.
But the rest of 'em
will have a fair shake.
Look, are we gonna do this?
Hey. Do we have a deal?
Okay. It's a deal.
Say it.
What?
Say it all.
I have a deal with Mike. Yes.
Say my full name.
I... have a deal with Mike Hawk.
-Attaboy. Huh?
-Ow.
Why don't you
tell that nice girl
you love her, right?
"I love you
with all-a my heart."
-[chuckles]
-You know, they're so clich,
you know?
"If you don't call me again,
I'm-a, I'm gonna die."
You're a f*cking wise guy
quoting lines
from The Godfathers.
Clich. I, I have too much,
you know?
-What was your favorite part?
-I'm too self-aware to do that.
-What are you saying?
-What was my favorite part?
I don't like the movie.
-You didn't like the movie?
You really serious?
-I don't like,
-I don't like The God--
-Are you serious?
Hey, I don't like
The Godfather.Boom.
You know what I mean?
Someone comes out
of the f*cking corner
and whacks me out.
[mumbles] It's The Godfather.
-Yeah, I'm not into it, man.
-[coughs]
You know, it's just
some stupid sh*t in that movie.
Like the... She-- He wakes up
next to the f*ck'
horse's head.
-Yeah.
-Ah, bullshit.
Come on. You ever heard
of that happening?
-No. Of course not. You don't--
-That, uh, that happened to me.
You know how hard it is
to k*ll a horse?
How do you get the horse
to stand still?
And then, and then what?
You, you-- What do you--
Will you take a chainsaw?
You can't just
chop a horse's head off.
-No, of course not.
-Nah, that's not how it works.
-There's a lot of,
there's a lot of bones.
-Right. So,
-why not something simpler?
Like a dog.
-Lot of, lot of gristle.
-A dog head--
Okay, give me one second.
-Sir, can I help you?
A pig, right? Or a dog or a cat.
Or you know what?
A lizard. Like a f*ck'--
Ooh, a chameleon.
-[man] Rewrite the whole script.
-Googly-eyed chameleon.
They're...
-[with accent] "This committee
owes an apology."
-Stop doing that.
-"This committee
owes an apology."
-[Cooper stutters]
Hollywood is bull--
A bunch of pedophiles. Yeah.
I don't mean to interrupt you.
I'm sorry. Can I,
can I help, help you?
-How you doin'?
-[Cooper] Hi.
We are looking for, uh, uh--
-What's the name? Uh, Cooper.
-Cooper.
Uh, I'm-- That's m--
Uh, I'm Cooper.
Yeah. How you doin', Cooper?
We know.
Wait. Then why did you
just ask me?
-It's, it's formality.
-Right.
-What? What do you mean?
-[man 1 chuckles]
-Why did you ask me?
-Formality.
-[Cooper] Excuse me?
-Formality.
Okay. Well, uh, anyway,
what's up?
Your uncle
is a c*ck m*therf*cker,
piece of sh*t, rat f*ck,
b*stard c**t, little rat c**t.
-You understand me?
-I know.
Let me tell you what
about your uncle, okay?
He's a public embarrassment.
He hangs around our crew,
he acts like he's one of us.
He was never sworn in.
You know why?
He's half Hungarian Jew.
You're not allowed
to be in this f*cking group
if you're a f*ck'--
He's a f*ck' Hungarian Jew.
-[Cooper] Wait. Sw--
sworn into what?
-[spits]
[man 2]
We don't f*ck
with those kinds of people.
-What, Jews?
-[man 2] That's correct.
-What are you, Kanye West?
-[man 2] Listen to me now.
If you can't
put two and two together,
we can't help you
put four, five, six,
or seven together.
Can I help you? I don't get it.
What the f*ck? Uh...
Your Uncle Tony owes us,
uh, quite a bit of money.
He made a f*ck-up, you see?
He owes us 5G hard.
-He f*cked up. Yeah.
-Oh. You're the guys.
-[man 1] Five hard G's.
-[man 2] Oh, he told you
about us, huh?
We can't find
the m*therf*cker. Right?
-You reached out to him
on Snapchat, right?
-Yeah. Is he here? Is he here?
Um, he came in here earlier,
being himself,
and, uh, told me that he was,
you know,
going through some things
and he needed... some money.
I gave him money
to give you guys.
So, I don't understand
what's happening.
-Oh!
-Uh, really? How much?
$1000 to help
pay you guys back.
I, I didn't realize...
Listen to me.
He owes us 5G hard.
How we gonna get that money?
I'll tell you
how we gonna get that money.
We're gonna make sure
you give it to us.
-Let's cut to the f*ck--
Let's cut the bullshit.
-You what--
We're gonna come back
in a few hours.
-[Cooper] For what?
-For the f*cking 5G.
-[Cooper] From who?
From who? I--
-From you, m*therf*cker.
-And if you don't have
the sh*t...
-Ooh.
...we're gonna break
every toe on your body.
[man 1]
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Every one of your toes
will be broken.
Yo, hold up.
We don't f*ck' play that sh*t
at Paradise.
What y'all think, we some
f*ck' moolies or somethin'?
-What's that?, huh?
-How about that?
[man 1]
Ah, keep talkin'.
-[whistling]
-Walk away.
-[man 2] Yeah.
-Listen, I, I'm sorry.
I, I don't have the money.
I literally don't have the--
-I mean, you could f*ck'
open this sh*t right now.
-[beeping]
-There's just nothin' in there.
-[man 2] You know how many men
I mutilated?
[man 1]
That's...
He don't-- Tell him
how many men I mutilated.
-We have crucified people.
-Mm-hm.
Excuse me?
-Like, like Jesus?
-[man 1 sighs]
-Exactly. Exactly like that.
-That's our calling card.
-We crucify. It's a thing we do.
-Like, exac--
Like, exactly like that.
-Last week,
I crucified a Guatemalan grocer.
-[sucks air]
-Whoa.
-[man 2] I crucified his a*s
and threw a f*ck'
honeydew melon at his face.
I was there.
[chuckles] I was there.
-It was pretty funny, actually.
[chuckles]
-[man 2] Yeah, yeah.
-Let's get the f*ck...
-You...
-We'll be back.
-We'll be back in a-- Like,
four and a-- Four hours and a--
Four, four
and a half hours. Give us--
Give us some time, all right?
Ooh.
Yellow. That's,
that's the g-- good color.
-It said $6.
-[man 2] Shove it up your a*s.
Let's get this over with,
shall we?
I got a date with a lady
I met on Ashley Madison.
Are you married?
-You see a f*ck' ring?
-No. You don't--
[indistinct chatter] ...time.
Look, hold on. It looks--
Whatever you guys are doing,
could you just do me a favor
-and do it outside?
-[sighs] God.
Please. I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to sound rude.
There's a lot goin' on, okay?
Thank you. f*ck.
-Anyway...
-I left my phone in the car.
-I'll be right back.
-What? Oh, my God.
Did he say
his name was "My c*ck"?
-Yo, Slaydro.
-Hey, man, it's me.
What about the ankle bracelet?
It's not there no more.
Oh, my God.
You just busted it open.
Yeah. I was supposed
to turn it back in to them,
like six weeks ago,
but I got super stoned,
so I forgot.
-Yeah.
-You thought you were
on house arrest this whole time
-and you're not?
-[laughing]
That is the most Slaydro sh*t
I think I've ever heard,
actually.
T Man and I are gonna go
watch a movie
with the aid of these puppies.
-It's nice. Noice.
-Bro, what the f*ck?
I thought
they were gummies, Slay.
[Slaydro]
What are you talking about?
I got Grandma's finest recipe.
I did eat half of them
on the way here.
And I'm not gonna lie,
I don't remember how I got here.
Well, I guess I'm driving, fool.
Yeah, and one of these
has a butt ton of acid in it.
It's a Russian roulette, baby.
-Hey, what's up, Coop?
-Do you wanna play?
Oh, sh*t. What's up, girl?
How you doin'?
n*gga, what the f*ck?
We just talked about this.
-What do you mean?
-Do I look like your homegirl
right now?
[Cooper]
I call you one thing,
you get upset.
I call you another thing,
you're upset.
I'm with it.
I'm with the pronouns.
I'm with the they, the thems,
the anything.
Whatever you want,
that's what I'll do.
-Why are you
making it difficult?
-It's pretty simple.
When I'm bald-headed,
you can call me bro.
But when I have a gorgeous,
sickening wig on,
I'm your homegirl.
-That's actually
extremely simple.
-You're welcome.
I thought you had that, uh,
your private gig or whatever.
-[sighs] It got canceled.
-What?
You got Kevin Spacey-ed?
What did you do?
It's a long story.
I need to drink it out,
to be honest.
-You wanna go have one?
-There's a lot going on.
Just let me finish closing up
and then we'll do that.
Cool. Take your time.
I'm gonna go take a sh*t.
Okay.
It's a little bit of a TMI.
Enjoy that turd
out of your as*h*le.
-Oh, hey. Hi.
-Hi. [chuckles]
-Just that?
-Yeah.
You know, you've been in here
a pretty long, long time.
All throughout the day,
and this is all you,
all you got?
Yeah, I didn't really
find anything I want.
Hm. Okay.
Okay, it's... um,
a dollar, right?
-Sorry.
-Yeah. Whoa. What the--
Where did this--
-Smells like your perfume.
-Ew.
Oh, wait, no. I'm not trying
to smell your t*ts.
Oh, sh*t, n*gga.
Look at this sh*t.
A standoff
between police officers
and two wanted bank robbers
is ongoing
-as they flee through the city.
-[sirens blaring]
-[officer] Everybody get down!
Get down!
-[man] f*ck!
-[woman] Oh, my God.[screams]
Oh, my God.
-[officer] Hey! Drop the weapon!
Bro, that sh*t's
happenin' a block over, Coop.
-Right. Uh...
-Okay. Thank you.
-sh*t.
-I told you
that b*tch was stealin'!
-n*gga, get her a*s!
-Oh, my God! What the--
-f*ck! f*ck!
-[g*nsh*t]
[officer]
Put the weapon down!
-[all shouting]
-[screaming]
[Tables]
You guys! T Man!
[man 1]
Back the f*ck up! Back up! f*ck!
-Get out!
-[man 1] Shut the door.
-Please don't! No! T Man!
-No! Coop!
-[man 1] Hey, take a walk,
Frodo. Get the f*ck back!
-[man 2] Don't f*cking
-look at me! Shut the f*ck up!
-[Melanie] Okay.
All right, everybody, back up.
Back the f*ck up!
You heard him! Back the f*ck up!
Just do what he says!
I need keys.
Who's got the f*cking keys?
-Who's got the keys?
-[man 2] Give him
the f*cking keys!
-I got 'em. I got 'em.
They're right here. Please.
-[man 1] Come on. Come on.
-Give him the f*cking keys!
Give it to him!
-Get the f*ck over here!
-No, get the f*ck-- Do you want
some of this? You want some?
-[screaming]
-Move!
-Okay. All right.
Watch them!
Lock the f*ck' door. Lock it.
-Pick 'em up, f*ck!
-All right. Okay. I'm sorry.
[man 1]
Calm the f*ck down.
Let's do this.
-Make it slow, okay?
-All right. Okay. Yes, sir.
Don't do anything stupid
or your f*cking head's gone.
-Okay. Okay.
-Right? And hey!
Hey! hey!
What the f*ck is that?
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
-Get the f*ck back.
-[groans]
Get the f*ck back!
[sirens blaring in distance]
-He's stoned. Come on.
-[man 2] I'll f*ck you up!
-[Cooper] Slaydro, please.
-What the f*ck is going on
with this guy?
[T Man]
He's on shrooms, dog.
-Where's the other exit?
-It's just the one door.
All right, that's
a serious safety hazard.
-All right, where's the pisser?
-It's, uh, it's,
-it's through this door
and down the hallway.
-[man 1] Everybody sit down.
-[man 2] Sit the f*ck down!
-[man 1] Hey, hey.
Why, why are you yelling?
-I'm not yelling.
-No, you are yelling.
-No, you're yelling.
You're yelling.
-No, my ears--
-My ear's yelling.
-My ears are ringing.
Don't do that.
That can hurt yourself.
Pisser's back there. Watch them.
-I got 'em.
-You hear me?
And, hey, just, just relax.
-You're doing good.
-I'm doing great.
Shut the f*ck up!
These 40x seats are great.
I can feel his spit.
Shut the f*ck up!
Don't even f*cking move!
Aces, what is wrong with you?
They won't f*cking listen,
Daryl.
Jesus Christ on a cr*cker.
Everybody up, now.
Get the f*ck up!
Let's go, please.
I want you over there.
Check the door.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go. Come on. There you go.
Everybody get comfy.
All right, sit down!
[man 2]
Sit the f*ck down!
Hey. "Daryl"? Really?
You used my real name?
-What did I say
about using a code name?
-Well, they don't f*ck' know.
Maybe "Daryl" was a code name.
Those m*therf*ckers
caught me outside.
They used me as a human shield.
They dragged me in here,
and now
I'm with you m*therf*ckers.
I don't know
what the f*ck's going on.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay. Oh, f*ck.
Are we all good?
Is everybody good?
Hell no. We ain't good, n*gga.
-[Daryl] Oh, it's still good?
-Yeah, it's still good! Yeah!
Still good? Bobby Grundlesmith
of 503 Milkwater-f*ck' Way.
-You as*h*le.
-What the f*ck, dude?
Why the f*ck
would you give away my address?
I mean,
this guy's address. Bobby's.
I'm not Bobby, by the way.
You f*ck' idiot.
What is wrong with you?
I'm gonna make you go
sit over there with them.
-I'm gonna make you
sit over there with them.
-Jesus Christ.
-[Bobby] I'll f*cking do it!
-You can tell
these actors are trained.
They know how to hold the g*n.
They're really good.
-Don't you f*ck-- No! No! No!
-[Daryl] You want some of this?
You want some of this?
-Stop! Don't f*cking do it!
-This is 'cause my sister
dropped you
-on your f*cking head!
-Don't you bring my mother
into this!
The Coen brothers know
what they're doing.
They cast good people.
You think
we're in a f*ck' movie?
-This is happening.
-Huh?
[whispering]
This is happening right now.
I know.
This movie is an experience.
-You point that f*cking g*n
at me again...
-No, no!
...I will f*cking k*ll you.
You hear?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do it.
Okay? We understand each other?
-Yeah.
-Okay. Okay, you know what?
You're a good boy.
You're doing good.
You're making Mom proud, okay?
-Whole family's proud of you.
-Okay.
Now, listen. You ready?
You okay? You good?
I'm gonna go in the pisser
and take care of some sh*t.
You watch these morons.
All right?
You're doing good. All right?
[kisses] Come on.
Come on. Yeah. Good. Yeah.
You f*cking got 'em.
Now put your g*n
up on him. Good.
Good. Hey, listen,
I'm going to the bathroom.
Anybody f*ck' moves,
my boy here is gonna start
capping m*therf*ckers.
Ain't that right?
Let me see the f*cking w*r face.
Let me see it.
-You're an animal. Yeah!
-[huffs]
-Yeah! f*ck, yeah!
-[squeaking]
-Slaydro, what the f*ck
are you doing?
-[Daryl] Give me that. Yeah!
Not an elephant. A tiger.
More of a tiger. Lion.
[Bobby squealing]
-That'll work. Good.
-[breathing heavily]
[high-pitched squealing]
Nobody f*cking move!
Nobody f*cking move!
-[farts]
-[water splashes]
[both screaming]
f*ck! Flush the toilet!
Flush the toilet,
for Christ's sake.
Flush it. Come on out of here.
Jesus, what did you eat?
-Get the f*ck in there. Go!
-Don't sh**t!
-Go now!
-Don't sh**t your load.
Sit down!
Found a f*cking straggler
taking a sh*t.
What is this?
I thought this was Oregon, huh?
Why does it look like a f*cking
Kathleen Kennedy movie in here?
Look, sir, I just don't--
Look, I, I'm not-- It--
I don't know
what you're expecting
to happen here.
-What I think's gonna happen?
You wanna be the hero?
-No. What? No.
-Huh? Is that who you are?
-No. No, sir.
Huh? You think this is part
of the hero's journey
where something crazy happens
-and you gotta figure it out?
-No. No.
All right, then sit down
and shut the f*ck up.
Okay, yeah. [murmurs]
f*ck' Scooby-Doo g*ng.
[Slaydro mimics
Scooby-Doo laughing]
That's the Scooby laugh.
I'll be back.
Not me. Them.
-I'm sorry.
-[Tajh whimpers]
-[Daryl] f*ck' idiots.
-Just chill.
-Uh, we are chill. You chill.
-Don't tell me to chill.
-You chill.
-Everyone chill.
Just chill
like Arnold Schwarzenegger
in that one Batmanmovie.
Did this white n*gga
just say the *-word?
I didn't say the *-word.
Is this a Tarantino movie?
It's not a Tarantino movie!
I didn't say the *-word!
You just said
"Arnold Schwartz a n*gga."
-Everyone heard that, right?
-[Bobby] I didn't say that!
You can't say that!
You're white.
-I'm Black.
-You're white!
Uh, uh, actually, my d--
my dad's Black. I'm half--
It doesn't count.
You look white as sh*t.
-What?
-You heard me.
You look white as sh*t.
But, sir,
you're the one in blackface
saying that he can't
say the word "n*gga."
I didn't say the *-word.
I'm not getting canceled
for sh*t!
Why are we talking about this
right now? I'm--
-Say you're white.
-What? No.
-Say you're white.
-All right, fine. I'm white.
Not you. The white guy.
Say it, f*ck!
I'm white.
[sighs]
f*ck!
That was some f*cking sh*t.
[faucet running]
Stupid!
We're good. We're good.
We're not going back, D.
No, no, no. D-Dog,
he ain't going back. D-Dog.
[barks, laughs] Okay.
[scoffs]
f*ck' idiot.
Yeah, that could work.
-[grunts]
-[siren wailing in distance]
[sirens blaring]
[tense music]
-[grunts softly]
-[sirens stop]
His knees are bruised.
Do you think he sucks d*ck?
[siren wailing in distance]
[clattering]
You've had a hell of a day, huh?
You need a hug?
-This is f*cked, bro.
-It really is.
I would know a thing or two
about f*cking bros.
[sirens continue]
Oh, sh*t. The cops.
They brought backup.
-They brought backup, Coop.
-What? What?
Why are you excited about that?
Earlier you was like, "Oh,
yeah, n*gga. f*ck all police.
n*gga, f*ck every single
last one of 'em."
Yeah, not when they comin'
to help me, n*gga.
[sighs] Okay.
Everybody, listen up.
Now-- What are you doing?
What are you, f*cking reading?
Put that sh*t down.
Now, listen.
What? What are y'all looking at?
[whispering] Daryl. Your mask.
Ah, f*ck.
f*ck! Come here.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
-Give it,
give it, give it to me.
-Don't f*cking touch. [stutters]
-Give it. f*ck it. Take it off!
-Take it off!
-Don't f*cking touch me!
-Oh, my God.
-Uh, damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
What the f*ck?
Ow! f*ck! My f*cking knee!
-Jesus Christ.
-You f*ck' as*h*le!
-[Daryl] Here.
-Why the f*ck would you do that?
[Daryl]
Why the f*ck wouldn't you
wear a belt? Christ's sake.
-Here.
-I left it in the f*cking car,
you f*cking prick!
Pull your pants up,
for Christ's sake.
We can still see you.
-Everybody--
-[Bobby] You didn't have
to f*cking do that, old man!
-f*cking d*uche.
-Relax. Okay.
Now, we've all had
a very trying day.
I think we all got off
on the wrong foot.
Hard day?
Like my f*ck' hard d*ck!
You should start sucking,
m*therf*cker!
-[whispering]
He's wearing a wig.
-[Bobby] It's not a wig!
You have to forgive my friend.
He's stupid
and cuts his own hair.
Don't f*cking
bring my hair into this, dude.
Okay. Everybody,
we're gonna get along just fine.
Just want everybody
to relax, okay?
Uh, you know, it's really
kind of hard to relax
when you're waving that g*n
in our faces.
-[Daryl] You know,
that's a good point.
-[Celeste gasps]
I, I really don't intend
to k*ll anyone, okay? [chuckles]
I mean, I will,
but I'd rather not.
And I'm not gonna do sh*t.
I'm a f*cking vegetarian.
Which has nothing
to do with anything.
You see this f*cking sh*t?
There's a lot of f*cking cops
out there, Daryl.
[Daryl]
Yeah, maybe
they're vegetarians too, stupid.
-[Bobby] What did you say
about my f*cking hair?
-Just come on.
[Bobby]
Stop talking about it.
-[Daryl] Come with me.
-f*ck. [sighs]
-For Christ's sake.
Where's your f*ck' belt?
-Stop!
-Get a belt.
-Stop f*cking touching me,
you f*cking old man!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[sirens blaring]
All right, listen up, fellas.
This ain't no tampon commercial,
so I need you to sack up, okay?
I want to get
those people out safe,
and I wanna do it clean.
I want you to take this
very seriously, all right?
Very seriously.
[indistinct radio chatter]
Now, there's
two points of access.
The main entrance,
and then
there's a ventilation duct
up on the roof.
I want a team
up on the roof, okay?
And I want another team
out back, okay?
Now, if this fight
happens to take us in the front,
this is our point of entry,
right here.
This is the angle
we come in from, all right?
Pssh, pffh! Pssh, pssh!
Pffh, pffh! Prfff!
Gibbs.
[indistinct radio chatter]
f*ck is Gibbs?
-Johnson.
-Yes, Chief?
-f*ck is Gibbs?
-I don't know, sir.
-I think he's tied up right now.
-Tied up?
Yeah. Girl, you know,
I've been shot at.
Just comes with the territory.
So, uh, what are you doing
after this whole
hostage situation thing?
[Watson]
Gibbs, where the f*ck are you?
Uh, Chief, sir,
I was just checkin', uh...
Just checkin'
the perimeter, sir.
I don't give a sh*t
what you're checkin'.
I need eyes on these assholes.
Now,
there's a ventilation shaft.
I need you in it.
It's a tight spot,
-so suit up.
-[radio beeps]
Sir, yes, sir.
[chuckles]
You know, I know a thing or two
about tight spaces.
Huh? Huh?
It's all right.
f*ck, c*ck, sh*t.
This is f*ck' intense.
Coen brothers are amazing.
I mean, just look
at these Hawk V-Lite
anamorphic J.J. Abrams' lenses.
[man]
Slate!
[slow, distorted voices]
[T Man]
Nah, n*gga,
this sh*t is real as f*ck.
These white n*gg*s
got f*cking g*ns.
We're about to
f*ck' die, Slay.
Stop f*ck' playing.
[phone ringing]
[whispering]
Get the f*cking phone.
[sighs, whispering]
f*ck, I can't do this.
-Owner, come here.
-It's, it's Cooper.
I don't give a sh*t.
Get your a*s up here.
-[phone continues ringing]
-What?
Get up here
and answer the phone.
Okay. sh*t.
Pick up the f*cking phone!
All, all right.
Answer the f*cking phone.
Okay. All right.
Pick it up.
-Hello?
-[Watson] Now, listen.
It's the cops.
You need to let
these people go, all right?
What? No, no.
I'm, I'm one of the people.
Oh. Well-- Jesus Christ.
Let me speak
to whoever's in charge.
Okay.
He wants to talk
to whoever's in charge.
And, and who do you think
that is? It-- It's not--
-Stop! Stop! Hello! Hello!
-Give me the...
-Hey, careful, okay?
This is-- It means a lot to me.
-...f*cking phone!
-Get back.
-All right. Okay.
You get back.
-Yeah?
-This is Chief Watson, BPD.
Now, look,
you can get out of this, but--
[Daryl]
Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You, you listen to me, pig.
All right? I'm, I'm running
the f*ck' show now.
No, no, of course, of course
you're running the show.
I, I, I just-- Uh,
wh-- what's your name?
My, my name? Why?
I mean, I'd like to have
a conversation with you.
You know, uh, how am I
gonna have a conversation
unless I know your name?
-Uh, all right, fine. It's--
-Let me get one.
f*ck off. f*ck off. f*ck off.
Daryl. The name's Daryl.
-I got my boy Bobby here,
who's gonna start f*cking...
-What the f*ck?
-Don't say my name.
-...sh**ting people
if, say, anything happens to me.
You got that? Huh?
-Those cookies?
-No, no, no, no, Daryl.
Uh, nothing's gonna happen,
all right? I don't want that.
You don't want that.
-Nobody wants that.
-Oh, yeah. Sure you don't
f*cking want that.
-My blood sugar's acting up.
Let me get a cookie.
-You piece of sh*t!
-I'm on the f*cking phone.
Watch him.
-Let me get a f*cking cookie.
He's gonna hit you.
[Cooper whispering]
I'm not gonna hit you.
[Daryl]
Now, what you want is me dead
and everybody
out of here, right?
Well, uh, Daryl, uh,
now that you mention it,
how many people
we talking about in there?
-I don't f*ck' know.
Eight, nine.
-Let me get a f*cking cookie.
Hold on a second, cop.
-What the f*ck?
-I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.
I'm f*ck' talking to someone.
It's very important.
-All right?
-Yeah.
Get him back down there.
Move, white boy!
Yo.
-This m*therf*cker's
eating the cookies.
-No way.
Yeah. He's eating 'em right now.
Can y'all speak up a little bit?
A n*gg*r needs to know
what's goin' on.
Gibbs in position?
He's in the vent, Chief.
[Daryl]
I think I'd like to
just stay in here, die in here.
-How's that?
-What'd he say? What'd he say?
I've got five hostages.
Two suspects.
Tell him we want some pizza.
-Armed.
-Gibbs is in position.
Well, what do you want, Daryl?
I don't f*ck' know.
Haven't thought that far ahead.
[pats on back] What'd he say?
[exhales]
I have a shot.
[whispering] He has a shot.
All right, listen.
Daryl, you gotta give me one,
all right?
Just, just,
just give me one, okay?
As a show of good faith.
-What? Good faith?
-Yeah, good faith.
There's gotta be
some level of trust here, Daryl.
Le-- level of trust?
How about you
suck a bag of dicks?
How about that? There's your,
your level of trust.
-What did he say?
-I told him
to suck a bag of dicks.
[exhales]
-[shrieks]
-[g*nshots]
[all screaming]
-Shots fired!
-Oh, my God!
-[yelling]
-[Bobby] What the f*ck?
You just shot a f*cking cop!
[yelling]
[all screaming]
What is it? They gonna Tupac me?
They Tu-- Why--
What the f*ck is that?
-What's that?
What the f*ck is that?
-[all screaming]
Oh, no! Don't do it, n*gga!
No, n*gga! No!
-No, no, no! Oh, sh*t!
-[grunts]
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
Everybody shut the f*ck up!
-[Celeste and Cooper yell]
-My f*ck' asthma!
-[Daryl] Where's your inhaler?
-[Bobby] I don't know
where the f*cking inhaler is!
I left it in the car!
[Daryl]
Well, whose fault is that?
I don't f*cking know!
[Daryl]
Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-[shrieking]
-[Daryl] Hey, hey, hey.
All right, come on. Hey.
All right. Hey. Hey.
Just, just get it together,
all right?
-[unintelligible]
-[Daryl] Come on.
Take your jacket off. Come on.
I'm not grabbing
his f*cking foot!
Then grab his ankle.
I don't give a f*ck.
-f*ck, dude!
-[Daryl] Come on.
-Oh.
-[Bobby] Oh, God!
I'm gonna f*cking puke!
-[Daryl] Ugh.
-[Bobby] I'm gonna
f*cking puke, dude.
Robert Hall, Fux 5,
back with you here,
where a small crowd of people
and one Black man
have gathered
outside of Paradise Records,
where we know
that two armed gunmen
have taken some hostages.
Uh, not sure of the, the status
of said hostages,
but, uh, I believe,
uh, here, sir,
uh, uh, a racially ambiguous
police officer,
uh, Johnson, it looks like.
Could you tell us more
about what took place
in here tonight?
[Johnson] We have
a very volatile situation in--
right now in downtown Bend.
Uh, we have two gunmen,
and they've taken hostages
and...
[soft music]
[whimpering]
[Gibbs gulping]
[Cooper]
Slaydro, what the f*ck
are you doing, man?
Well, morphine hits
the bloodstream immediately.
[phone ringing]
That's your sign of good faith,
m*therf*cker?
I heard a g*nsh*t, Daryl.
Is anybody hurt?
Yes, somebody's hurt.
Somebody got shot.
Well, who the f*ck
got shot, Daryl?
The f*cking ninja
you sent in here to k*ll me.
You f*cking shot the officer?
Ah, no, no, no.
I didn't sh**t that as*h*le.
He blew his foot off
when he fell
through the f*cking vent.
I guess pigs really can fly.
-Well, is he okay?
-Oh, no. Yeah, he's great.
He gets half price
on f*ck' shoes now.
He blew his foot off!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You're gonna
have to send him out, Daryl.
f*ck you and f*ck that!
Now, look, you haven't done
anything f*cking stupid yet.
But if he bleeds out
and he dies, that's on you.
You understand?
All right, fine.
But you listen to me,
all right?
I swear to God,
if there's any funny business,
everybody in here
is f*cking dead.
-[receiver slams]
-[crying]
What did they say, Daryl?
I'm here with a, a witness
to the events tonight.
-Sir, what exactly did you see?
-I mean, man,
you know what I'm saying?
I ain't no witness,
but, uh, these two crazy-a*s,
goofy-a*s white boys, man,
they robbed some sh*t.
You know what I'm saying?
They dropped some money
and sh*t, man, you know?
I ain't trying
to snitch on the n*gg*s,
you know? Nothing like that.
JJ, that's quite a bit of money
-you have in your hand there.
-Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever held
that much money before?
What? What the f--
What the-- Come on, man.
Do I look like I need-- I don't
even need this sh*t, bro.
You know what I'm sayin'?
n*gga, look here, man.
I got a m*therf*cking
switch on me, man.
I'll f*cking--
Man, you better be glad
we're on TV, n*gga.
You know what I'm saying?
But I don't need this--
[Bobby breathing heavily]
What the f*ck
are we gonna do now, Daryl?
-They want the cop.
-[T Man] What?
He came here to f*ck' save us,
and now they're gonna
let his a*s go?
What type of sh*t is that?
Damn. Plot twist.
Look, just,
just let my people go.
[Daryl]
"Let my people go"?
What are you,
f*cking Charlton Heston?
You son of a f*cking c*ck ba*ls.
Come on, man.
[Daryl]
Lady, with the language!
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
What do you think's
gonna happen here, man?
Shut the f*ck up.
You gotta see how crazy this is.
[exhales, chuckles]
I see what's happening here.
I give you f*cking people
an inch, you take a mile.
I told you to chill.
You couldn't do that.
'Cause you think
Daryl's playing, don't you?
Well, maybe now I'll show you
that I'm not playing.
Daryl, stop.
Please f*cking stop, Daryl.
It's too f*cking far.
Please stop! Daryl!
Just shut the f*ck up, Bobby.
-Deal.
-[shrieking] f*ck!
[phone ringing]
-What?
-Are you sending him out?
Don't f*ck' rush me, pig.
Bobby, bring the cop.
-Uh, up we go.
Let's go, Hopalong.
-[Gibbs groaning]
Okay. Come on.
-[Gibbs humming]
-[both straining]
Now, what the f*ck we gonna do
to get out of this sh*t?
I'll do whatever it takes.
[mouth pops]
Nah, f*ck that sh*t.
We should f*cking
rush these n*gg*s or something.
Listen, I think
we just gotta stay patient.
Be patient? What the f*ck?
We just gonna sit here
and f*cking wait to die?
If I was watching a movie
about us right now with Slaydro
in the f*ck' movie theater,
I'd be, like, "Run, n*gga, run!
Run, n*gga!
Forrest Gump run, n*gga!
Go, go, n*gga!
f*ck Jenny, n*gga!
f*ck that b*tch and the n*gga
in the wheelchair."
[sultry guitar instrumental]
Holy sh*t.
Whoa. Who's that?
Is that who I think it is?
-He's good-looking.
-Son of a b*tch.
-Go.
-I'm on it.
Whoa, whoa. What the f*ck
are you doing here?
After what happened last time,
you can't be on this scene.
Chief wants you gone.
Hold these.
g*dd*mn negotiator.
[overhead bell ringing]
What the f*ck? Hey, hey, hey!
Slow down, m*therf*cker.
Who are you?
I'm the negotiator.
I'm here to talk to you.
No, no, no. I was talking
to the other prick.
Well, now--
You, you f*cking back off.
Now you're talking to me, okay?
[chuckles]
I'm not talking to you.
What the f*ck?
Now, back the f*ck off
or I will sh**t you.
You're not gonna
sh**t me, Daryl.
-Stop walkin'.
-You gonna sh**t me?
I will sh**t you
right in the f*ck' head.
[slow, distorted]
You and I both know...
...that you are
not gonna sh**t me.
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
Clowns!
[laughing distortedly]
[distorted] You're not gonna
sh**t me, Daryl.
[distorted]
I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.
I said f*cking sh**t me!
-Do it!
-What?
[normal]
That sounds good to me.
-What?
-No, I do.
I would really like
to die today.
You serious?
I don't wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I will sh**t you.
I will sh**t you
right in the f*ck' face.
Don't miss.
Can you hit me from there?
-Huh?
-How the f*ck
did you get over there?
-Come on.
-Huh?
Do you wanna do it?
-I thought I was taller.
-Get some ba*ls.
I'll do it.
Stick a soldering iron
right up my a*s.
Don't hit the watch. Whoa!
-You and I both know
that you are not gonna sh**t--
-[g*nsh*t]
-[gasps]
-Oh, my God!
Is he okay?
[thuds]
God bless you.
[sobs]
You just shot a f*cking cop!
What the f*ck happened?
They're f*cking after me, Bobby.
They're after me.
They won't--
-What the f*ck
are you talking about?
-They're after me!
-They're all after me! Oh, it's
you. You're after me, are you?
-Yo, Coop.
On my mark,
we're jumping these n*gg*s.
You, you've been
with them all along.
-You were always in bed
with them.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Daryl!
Put the f*cking g*n down, Daryl!
You are, you are in it.
You know what?
It's f*ck' end of the line.
It's f*ck' end
of the line, man.
I'm telling you,
everybody's gonna die.
I'm not gonna let you do it!
You always wanted to k*ll me,
haven't you?
[chuckles]
Do it, Bobby. Go on. Do it.
-Put the g*n down, Daryl!
-[Daryl] Uh, you wanna
f*ck' sh**t me? Huh?
-Is that what you want?
-Please put the f*cking g*n--
-Don't f*cking--
-b*tch-a*s n*gga!
-[thud]
-[g*nsh*t]
[groaning]
[g*n clatters]
-[squishing]
-[grunts]
[groans]
f*ck' nail.
[thuds]
sh*t.
[helicopter whirring]
Damn.
He's not gonna be
in the sequel, n*gga.
I never hurt anybody.
I didn't.
I promise.
Whoa.
[gasps] I prom...
[indistinct
police radio chatter]
You thirsty?
I need a drink.
[Cooper sighs]
Chief, you've had
a long, distinguished,
successful career with the BPD.
Tell me, have you ever
screwed up this badly?
-f*ck you.
-And there you have it.
Make sure
you go pick this sh*t up.
In stores now, mother--
-I can't cuss and sh*t. Yeah.
-So, so,
-would you consider this,
uh, Black people music?
-What? What?
-What? What? Man, what the--
-[gags]
Uh, we did our best.
-I swear to God we did. Uh--
-Unbelievable. Because I heard
that there is an officer
missing a foot
and three dead bodies.
So, would you consider
that a win tonight?
Yes, it is. For our chief,
it is a win. We'll take that.
Amazing.
I can't believe
you f*cking k*lled a dude, Coop.
What? n*gga,
we, we k*lled a dude.
-I didn't k*ll nobody.
-Yes, you did.
And his brains
are all over that f*ck' nail.
-Oh.
-Holy sh*t.
That was crazy.
-Look, Mike, are we gonna
do this or what?
-What? The what?
You know,
the, the contract, man.
Let's just go and knock it out.
-No, that's not happening.
-What?
Cooper, someone died in there.
No, we're done.
Mike Hawk is pulling out...
...of this deal.
Good luck.
I told you he was a d*uche.
Uh, uh, gentleman,
what, what could you tell us
about what just
went down here tonight?
[spits]
Man, these f*cking guys--
-First of all,
this sh*t was f*ck' lit.
-Oh, sir,
-this is live television.
-Do you know what I mean?
f*ck yeah, it is, n*gga.
We m*therf*cking out here, man.
Shout out Uncle Tony, man.
Shout out
to three and a half n*gg*s
that live in motherfuckin' Bend.
Shout out
m*therf*cking Paradise Records
in this b*tch. We out here.
It was crazy as f*ck.
n*gga, let me tell you.
n*gg*s was jumping
off the m*therf*cking roof. Ah!
n*gg*s had the g*ns.
Da-da-da-da-da!
b*ll*ts was going through
the m*therf*cking shop and sh*t.
Hit my favorite record,
by the way.
And we was in that b*tch
m*therf*cking fighting
for our lives
in that m*therf*cker.
sh*t was crazy as f*ck.
Right, Coop?
Uh, yeah-- Coo--
Cooper Johnson,
-you are the owner
of this record store.
-Hold on.
And I can't
forget the m*therf*cking blood
that was all on a n*gga face.
sh*t was splattering everywhere.
I saved a couple b*tches lives.
And I had a f*cking big-a*s toe
that was sitting on the side
of my m*therf*cking face, n*gga.
Now, I love toes. I suck toes.
Okay, there.
So, anyway, Cooper Johnson,
uh, somewhat of a hero as well
here in Bend, Oregon, tonight.
What-- The question
on everyone's mind,
what are you gonna do
with the cash reward?
-The-- What?
-The cash reward
for the capture
of the armed assailants,
dead or alive.
-Yo. What?
-f*ck, yeah, n*gga.
Shop ain't dead, n*gga.
-We turnt up, n*gga. Let's go!
-Wait, wait. Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
-wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Wait. Shut up!
-[indistinct]
-There's a f*ck' reward?
-Yes, sir.
-[giggles]
-Yeah.
What, what, what is your plan?
-How much is it? How much is it?
-We win.
$14,000.
f*ck!
When I see
Those old burning eyes
Well, I know
That I found my closer one
But all I ever wanted
Was for you to feel pride
Everybody's telling me
I'm losing my mind
And all I ever wanted
Was for you to feel calm...
f*ck!
[yells]
f*ck!
f*ck!
[sobbing]
f*ck!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[laughs] Oh, my...
[rap beat]
If you ain't from my hood
You can get from 'round here
If you ain't from my hood
You can get from 'round here
If you ain't from my hood
You can get from 'round here
If you ain't from my hood
You can get from 'round here
I don't know them n*gg*s
I don't f*ck with them n*gg*s
I don't know them hoes
I don't f*ck with them hoes
I don't know them n*gg*s
I don't f*ck with them n*gg*s
I don't know them hoes
I don't f*ck with them hoes
I know this sucka
From the suburbs
Cool with this
Other m*therf*cker
On the outskirts
Tried to get Project Pat
Caught up in this shizurb
Since you n*gg*s
Still out to get paid
Down for Lucha Libre
f*ck all the bullshit
And he say, she say
Those who oppose me
Shall get no leeway
Lying on real n*gg*s
End up in gunplay
Punk m*therf*cker, you gonna
Hear this and feel me
Smile in my face
Really wanna k*ll me
That's if you had heart
To pull the trigga
Catch a m*rder charge
I don't think so, my n*gga
-[grunts]
-[clinking]
Nailed it.
Finally, n*gga. sh*t.
Yo, if I had done that
any sooner,
we'd probably be dead right now.
-So, there's that.
-You right, n*gga. Eh.
Remember, everything happens
for a reason, Coop.
Speaking of which, I can't--
f*ck.
I can't believe we actually,
like, get to keep this place.
-We saved the shop, n*gga.
-Yes, we did. We did.
We family.
[both]
n*gga!
Okay, but just make sure
you're here at 9:30.
Don't f*cking matter,
you still work here.
-9:30?
-Yeah, m*therf*cker.
n*gga, at least 10:00, Coop.
I'm trying to f*ck'
turn up tonight, my n*gga. sh*t.
n*gga, you better
turn up on time, okay?
All right?
Why, n*gga, you so white,
you was born with season tickets
to NASCAR, Jeff Gordon.
-[racecar whizzing]
-You so Black,
you bleed grits, n*gga.
n*gga, f*ck that. I like grits
with a little sugar in it,
my n*gga.
-At least I don't f*ck'
look like Mr. Burns.
-[chuckles]
-[crickets chirping]
-"Smithers, release the hounds
on this n*gro."
-[chuckles] You're a fool, man.
-[laughs]
-I love you, bro.
-I love you too, n*gga.
No, n*gga,
like, I really love you.
-I love you more, n*gga.
Like Barney love you, you know?
-All right.
-Yeah, whatever. All right.
-Like, staying in a circle
and singing and sh*t.
-Can you just
get the f*ck out of here?
-All right, n*gga. Love you.
-All right. 9:30.
-Yeah, whatever, n*gga.
I'm serious.
[sighs]
-Oh. What?
-You got that money?
You got that--
-You got that money?
-Hello there.
-Um--
-Cough up that dough.
-You got that money?
-Remember, we said
-four and a half hours?
-There it is. There it is.
We actually gave you six
and a half hours.
Look at it.
He got it. He got it.
-Good boy.
-Okay. All right.
-All right.
-Yes, he did.
Let me ask you a question, kid.
-[Cooper] Hm.
-You believe in God?
I mean, I believe in something.
You should believe in God.
Also...
...f*ck your mother.
[bells jingle]
[sighs]
[groans]
[inhales]
Oh, f*ck.
Mm.
[exhales]
All right.
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
[groans]
[exhales]
Paradise.
Welcome to Paradise Records
This is where I'll be
When the world ends
Welcome to Paradise Records
Bury me here
With all my friends
Welcome to Paradise Records
You know where to find me
When I'm dead
Well, elves, hobbits,
wizards, n*gga.
Yoda and them n*gg*s,
all that sh*t g*y as f*ck, bro.
-Ooh, how can you say that?
-Wait, you gotta--
I'm sorry. Take it back.
Yoda is Star Wars,m*therf*cker.
Well, he's a hobbit, ain't he?
-[Reed laughs]
-No, no.
-Just, just saying. Just saying.
-[Reed coughs]
What, are you afraid
to get a little buttfucked?
[Cooper]
Get a little buttfucked?
-I'm sorry. I just laughed.
-[laughing]
Oh, sh*t, Coop. Oh, sh*t.
There's this f*cking spider
on your back, bro.
[laughter]
I got it. I got it. I got it.
[indistinct chatter]
[Cooper] What?
Wait. He doesn't talk? You mean,
like, like Helen Keller?
No, no, no. He leaves his attic,
so it's all good.
-[laughing]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
-[Logic] f*cking...
-Do it, do it, do it
one more time. One more time.
-All right.
-[retching]
-[Logic] Oh, don't do that.
[laughing]
-Eileen, remember that.
-[T Man] Little f*ck, n*gga.
When was you gonna tell us, bro?
-Tell us what?
-That our f*ck'--
-Something's going on,
and I can't explain it.
-[all laughing]
I'm gonna go to the Shaved Kitty
'cause it's happy hour.
Never do business
on an empty stomach
-and a full sack.
-[chortling]
Grandpa Hawk taught me that.
Sorry!
-Oh, cut. I'm so sorry.
-[laughter]
sh*t, Coop! I told you
that b*tch was stealing, n*gga!
Let's go get her a*s!
-f*ck.
-[Slaydro] Get the b*tch.
[mimicking Scooby-Doo]
Ruh-ro Raggy.
-[Logic] Oh, my God.
-[laughter]
I wasn't even supposed
to be here today.
-No, I'm just kidding. Okay.
-[laughter]
-[man] One for you, Kevin.
-Yeah, yeah.
But we ain't got no g*n, fool.
-What type of f*ck' fantasy
are you livin' in?
-I'm, I'm so--
-Oh, I just farted.
I'm so sorry, everybody.
-[exhales]
f*ck, the roof
came down like bam!
n*gga had a bazooka-looking
m*therf*cker. Da-da-da-da-da!
I push Cooper out of the way,
save that m*therf*cker.
-Hit a n*gga
with the motherfuckin' yo-yo.
-[laughter]
-Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.
-Hold on.
-Hold on. Let me come in
on the "yo-yo" line.
-Keep going, n*gga. Hurry up.
Don't hit the camera.
Don't hit the cameraman.
All right, I got what I need.
-[Logic] He f*cked that up.
-[laughter]
Eileen!
Lenny. Johnson.
Whatever your f*ck' name is.
[laughter]
Sorry.
I am not selling my vinyl store
to Mike Hawk, period.
All right? This is
not a Mike Hawk production.
This is not a Mike Hawk
business space.
Mike Hawk will own this.
[snickering]
[Cooper]
My kid's got a white mom.
Hell, yeah, n*gga.
I bet she fine as hell too.
[Logic]
Give me an alt on that.
Nice, n*gga. I bet she thicker
than a Snicker too.
[Logic]
Hm. Another one.
Damn, n*gga, what she look like,
g*dd*mn Peg Bundy?
[laughter]
[Logic]
Okay. And give me another one.
God damn, boy,
I bet she got good credit too.
[Logic laughing]
-All right, give me another one.
-Damn,
she be cooking
that broccoli casserole
and sh*t.
Hawk V-Lite,
J.J. Abram... [mumbles]
I'll just wait, 'cause people
were talking outside.
See, that's a tip
for all the actors in here.
-Just blame everyone else
for your f*ck-ups. Um...
-[Logic laughing]
Eh, Eileen!
Please, ple-- J.J. what?
[Logic]
Oh, no, his name is J.J.
I was just saying
please refer to him as J.J.,
not Juicy J.
-But you told me "please."
-[Logic] Yes, sir.
-Like--
-I said, "Please, use J.J."
Oh, that's the softest sh*t
I've ever heard
a m*therf*cking director say
in my life.
Boy, don't go back
to hip-hop, n*gga.
[laughter]
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Paradise Records (2025)
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