02x05 - Ole Golly in Love

[bunniefuu]

I've known Ole Golly my whole life,

which kind of makes me
an expert on stuff that she likes.

For example,

Alice Through the Looking-Glass
by Lewis Carroll.

"The time has come, the Walrus said,
To talk of many things:

Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot..."

"And whether pigs have wings."

Naming clouds is big.
She has her way of doing it.

That one looks like a cumulonimbus.

And I have mine.

That one looks like
a sad buffalo named Monica.

She's also a big fan of good posture.

Chin up, shoulders back.

Why are you torturing me?

Good posture allows you
to look the world straight in the eye.

I also know all her dislikes,

and number one on that list is humming.

If you're so happy
you have to make a noise,

maybe you should see a doctor.

Look, a hummingbird.

Nobody's that happy.

So, one day,
when I caught Ole Golly humming,

I knew something was wrong.

Really, really wrong.

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I am gonna be who I wanna be

My autonomy

No, I won't cut my hair

And I'll wear whatever

I like it when I get to be myself

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

So she was humming.

- I hum.
- Pull harder.

Ole Golly hates humming
like a slug hates salt.

Maybe she's been replaced by a robot
for a secret government operation.

Then she did this.

That's sweet.

It's not sweet. It's--

Pull harder.

No, no, no. Too hard. Too hard.

What are you guys doing?

Jimmy Feltzer grew three inches
since last season

and took my spot on the basketball team.

Sport needs every half inch he can get.

Can you do my arms now?

You could help.

I hoped things would turn
back to normal with Town,

a game we play every week

where we make up characters
who live in an imaginary town.

Hey, Ole Golly.
I'd like you to meet Napoleon Blownapart.

He's about to make a big speech.

Harriet, I forgot to tell you.

I asked your mother
if I could take the night off.

But we play Town every Monday.
It's what we do.

Well,
we'll just have to play another night.

All right, Ole Golly, out with it.
What's going on?

What are you talking about?

You've been humming.

Have I? Well, that's odd. Me, humming?

Anyway, good night, Harriet.

Hello, Catherine.

Hello, George.

I'd seen him before.
He was a deliveryman for the Garcias.

What was he doing with Ole Golly?

You're looking lovely today, Catherine.

Humming and giggling?

Life is a great mystery.

Is everyone a different person
when they're with someone else?

Look into it. This could be important.

So Ole Golly's in love, huh?

I don't know, maybe.

Probably.

Okay, definitely.

I think that's beautiful.

Yeah, if you like your nanny
getting married and leaving you forever.

No.

No.

No. Ole Golly and I have a special bond.

Oh, Harriet.

Don't be sad because it's over,
be glad because it happened.

My mom always says that to me.

I have no idea what it means either.

What does she see in this guy anyway?

Want my advice?

Go see the new Greenzilla movie.

Nothing like watching
a mutant dinosaur destroy Tokyo

to take your mind off your problems.

He's a monster.

You know, I think he's just misunderstood.

Mr. Waldenstein?

No, Greenzilla.

You know what you need, Harriet?
A backup plan, like me.

Now that my basketball career is over,
I wanna become an accountant.

No, you're not.

So Jimmy Feltzer is taller than you.
That doesn't mean he's better than you.

Go, Jimmy Feltzer! Yeah!

Jimmy's the greatest!

Sometimes you just gotta know
when to quit.

You're not quitting.

You gotta fight.

Run laps, lift weights.

Find Jimmy Feltzer's weakness
and take him down.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

We can't let him
take Ole Golly away from us!

Yeah!

Wait a sec-- Wait, what?

If I was going to stop
this guy from Jimmy Feltzer-ing me,

I had to stay on his tail,

watch his every move

and spy on him
until I had all the dirt I needed.

Thank you for your donation.

My pleasure, ma'am.

Okay, so he was generous.

Let me help you with that, miss.

Thank you, nice young man.

And kind.

But there was clearly
something wrong with him.

No, he was just good with kids.

After two hours of spying,
I had nothing on the guy.

I thought about going home.

Hello, Mr. Waldenstein.

You want your mail now,
or should I take it to the house?

I can take it now.

But luckily, a good spy never quits.

Just one for Mrs. Waldenstein today.

Mrs. Waldenstein?

Addressed to?

George.

I'm taking him to the park.
When will you be home?

As soon as I finish my shift.

I was floored, freaked, flabbergasted.

Mister perfect boyfriend
had a secret wife and kid?

I wanted to tell Ole Golly,
but this was way too big.

I needed proof. I needed that envelope.

Hurry up, guys. You don't wanna be late.

I think I should have worn the chiffon.

Maybe I should change.

You've already changed three times, dear.

- You look amazing, Mom.
- You think?

Not think, know.

Have a nice evening, darling.

Miss Golly, see she's in bed by 10:00.

Don't I always?

Harriet, what do you say
we play some Town tonight?

We always play Town on Monday.

Well, sometimes it's good
to change up a routine.

What I'm really craving is a popsicle.

All right,
let's head over to Desantis Deli.

Actually, according to Janie,
the best popsicles are at the Garcias.

Well, that's ridiculous, Harriet.
It's seven blocks away.

We're not going to walk
that far for a popsicle.

But didn't you just say that sometimes
it's good to change up a routine?

Oh, all right.

Harriet?

Harriet, what are you doing?

I'm looking for Mr. Waldenstein,
of course.

Find his jacket, find the envelope,
reveal his dirty little secret.

I'm looking for popsicles!

The popsicles are over here.

I think they keep the good ones over here.

That's impossible. They'd melt.

You're right. What a dummy.

Ah, but since I'm already over here,
I-- I think I'll get some penny candy.

I'm not staying here all night, Harriet.

You have one more minute.

But I can't decide.
There's so many choices.

Oh, look. They've got candy wax lips.

Forty-five, 44, 43.

Catherine, what a surprise.

Hello, George.

Mr. Waldenstein had arrived.
But where was his jacket?

I'd like you to meet Harriet.

Howdy.

I'm glad to finally meet you in person, Harriet.

Catherine has told me so much about you.

That's funny because she never
once mentioned you to me.

Well, I-- We-- My apologies, Harriet.

Mr. Waldenstein is my...

Boyfriend?

You could say that.

Couldn't you?

Mr. Waldenstein's busy, Harriet.

Let's pay for those wax lips
and be on our way.

You know what?
I think I'm back in a popsicle mood.

Where was that jacket?

I didn't come this far
to leave with nothing.

Say, Catherine, I was thinking,

my shift just ended,
and it would be delightful

to spend some time with you
and this charming young lady.

Why don't we all go to the movies?

I don't know.

Please.

Well, I would love nothing more
than to go to the movies, Harriet.

But I promised your mother
I'd have you in bed by 10:00, so...

But it's not even 7:00 yet.

I know, but movies these days
tend to run on and on and on.

We have plenty of time.

And even if it's close,

Mom was wearing the blue taffeta dress,
and you know what that means.

It means she'll be out
till well past midnight.

Mother says the blue taffeta dress makes
her wanna dance until the sun comes up.

Then it's settled.

Catherine, what do you say?

All right, but let's keep our eyes
on the clock, huh?

We're going to have ever so much fun,
aren't we?

What's wrong with his bike?

Harriet, will you shush?

How do you even ride that thing?
It's all beat-up and rickety.

Actually, Harriet,

this bent front rim here
is aces for quick turns.

My, oh, my. What shall we see?

How about Autumn is For Lovers?

The newspaper said
it was the romance of the year.

What about Greenzilla Attacks?

I've heard
it's the horror movie of the decade.

It is shorter than Autumn is For Lovers.

Yes!

If I was going to get
that letter from his jacket,

I needed to sit next to him.

And well, it couldn't hurt
to keep the two lovebirds apart.

I'm sorry about this, George.

I'm good. If Harriet likes it, I like it.

Is anyone else cold? I am freezing.

Say, Mr. Waldenstein,
could I borrow your jacket?

Here, take this.

It was time for plan B.

Ole Golly.

What is it now?

Can I please have some money for popcorn?

Excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me.
So sorry. Coming through. Oops!

- Harriet!
- Oh, dear.

Mr. Waldenstein, I am so sorry.
Boy, I am such a klutz.

It's quite all right, Harriet.
I can take care of it.

No, no, no. It's my fault. I can--

Harriet, he said he can take care of it.

Just sit down and stop causing trouble.

I can't believe I'm still cold.
I'm shivering.

Please, take my coat.

Oh, my. What is this in my pocket?

An envelope addressed to...

Mrs. Waldenstein!

- Sit down, little girl. Sit down.
- Yeah!

Harriet, what has gotten into you?

I am saving you from a wretched life
of pain and tragedy, Ole Golly.

Mr. Waldenstein has a secret wife.

Mrs. Waldenstein?

George?

I have to go.

George, what is this all about?

There is a Mrs. Waldenstein in my life,
but she's not my wife.

She's my mother.

Yes, I'm a grown man
living with my mother.

I'm sorry
I didn't tell you that before, Catherine.

As if that would bother me.

And what about that lady you kissed?
The one with the baby?

Were you spying on him?

I was looking out for you.

- Spying?
- They were going to the park.

You said you loved her.
You kissed her and your baby.

What?

No, Harriet.

That was my sister and my nephew.

They're visiting from Montreal.

I have never been so disappointed in you.

No, I'm disappointed in you.

You're the one with the secret boyfriend.

I was going to tell you
when the time was right.

When would that be? Never?

Harriet, what's this really about?

Nothing.

It's just you like him,
and he likes you,

and you'll get married and go away
and never come back and...

Harriet.

I don't want you to go away.

I don't know what's going to happen
between Mr. Waldenstein and me.

But I do know that
one day soon I will have to leave

because you're growing up.

But I promise not to go
until you're ready.

I owe you an apology, Mr. Waldenstein.

Apology accepted on one condition.

What's that?

We make a date to come back
and watch the rest of the movie.

Deal.

Taxi!

Oh, no.

Oh, my heavens! The Welsches.

Did you know the party was
this close to the theater?

- Taxi!
- No.

- Why are they leaving so early?
- Taxi!

The blue taffeta dress is never wrong.

The silver stilettos.

- Is that bad?
- They give Mom blisters,

which means she can't wait
to get home and kick them off.

They cancel out the blue taffeta.

Are you in trouble?

We will be if we don't get home
before they do.

Why, oh, why did I agree
to this c*ck idea?

Because you're in love.

I've been taking notes.

We can make it.

I'm very fast.

Quick! After them.

We're losing them.

They're getting away!

Not on my watch!

Keep going! Keep going!

Turn green! Turn green! Turn green!

Go! Go! Go!

- Turn there. It's a shortcut.
- Yes, ma'am!

Great turning skills, Mr. W.

I told you that front rim was aces!

Okay, 5th Avenue's going to be jammed.
Keep going east. We'll cut uptown on York.

I think I pulled a muscle.

- I can pedal. Get in the basket.
- No, Harriet. That's ridiculous.

You're too small, and he's too big.

I can do this!

Are you sure?
She just learned how to ride a bike.

I seem to recall you crashing into me.

Don't worry. I was taught by the best.

Easy. You can do this.

Remember,
look in the direction you want to go.

You're doing it.

Hang on!

I've known Ole Golly my whole life.

I thought I knew her better than myself.

Even so,
I realized there was a lot more to learn.

- We're here!
- Yes! You did it! We made it!

I'll get Harriet. You get the door.

Ready?

Yep.

Miss Golly?

What are you doing with my child?

Uh-oh.

Harriet?

Miss Golly, what is going on here?

And who is this strange man?

He-- They're--

I would like to take this opportunity
to introduce myself.

I think it's a little too late for that.

I don't like the look of this at all,
Miss Golly.

Mom, we just went to a movie.

Harriet, time to go inside.

We didn't know you'd be home so early.

That's nice. So you both thought
you could just sneak back into the house

and no one would know?

We forgot about the silver stilettos.

What do you have to say for yourself,
Miss Golly?

Clearly,
you thought it would be perfectly fine

to take Harriet out with you
on a date with a stranger

way past her bedtime
on this clearly unsafe bicycle.

Mr. Welsch, Mrs. Welsch.

From the bottom of my heart,

I can assure you that something like this
will never, ever happen again.

Well, I can assure you that it won't.

Because you, Miss Golly, are fired.

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

And I try my best to do good
In the neighborhood

I smile real nice

And I strive to tell the truth

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

I am gonna be who I wanna be

My autonomy

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

No, I won't cut my hair

And I'll wear whatever

I like it when I get to be myself

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do