03x02 - Charlottetown Reds

[bunniefuu]

["Sunshine" by Nazareth]

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ Every single day,
helps to light my way ♪

♪ And darlin' ♪

♪ Right before my eyes it
don't come as no surprise ♪

♪ That it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

♪ And baby ♪

♪ 'Til you came along ♪

♪ There was always
something wrong around me ♪

♪ There was
emptiness, of course ♪

♪ But it's alright ♪

♪ And it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

♪ And sunshine ♪

♪ Having you around you're
the light I never found ♪

♪ And darlin' ♪

♪ Every minute you're away ♪

♪ But it's brighter ♪

♪ And it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

[music intensifies]

{\an8}[music stops abruptly]

[Shoresy]: What's
a f*ck' webinar?

Only one is a webinar.
[Shoresy]: Huh?

- The other two are seminars.
- Huh?

We're in the National
Senior Tournament.

- So?
- So, we don't have time

for a web... what?
- Webinar.

Do what you're
told, you dumb f*ck.

f*ck you, Ziig, ya
f*ck' hee-haw.

Look at the wall, Shoresy.

The other one.

The other one.

The other one!
- You're such a f*ck' idiot.

- Ziig!
- That one!

[Nat]: What does it say?
- God, don't make him read it.

Where? [Nat]: At the top!

[Ziig]: Just take it
slow, buddy. Sound it out.

Can we put that
thing back in its pen

before it poops on something?

"For the community,
by the community."

Seriously, it's gonna chew
the corner of a chair.

We've got the best senior
teams in Canada here,

including a ton of ex-pros,

and we're gonna use
this opportunity

to give back to Sudbury.
- With a webisode?

Webinar. [Shoresy]: Huh?

The other two are
seminars. [both]: Two?

Yes, one webinar
and two seminars.

[Ziig]: For a total
of what, Shoresy?

Count it out on
your fingers, bud.

Count me outta all this,

ya f*ck' goat face.
- Uh-uh.

As captain of the host
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs,

you have to show face.
- Fer what?!

- For the community.
- By the community.

- That's ambitious, Nat.
- Hockey players give back.

Always have. They're
good citizens.

They make themselves
available to help.

They give their time.

Like the hockey players
before them gave their time.

You a hockey player, Shoresy?

- When's the first salmon arm?
- Seminar.

Seriously, how does
he not have his piss

all down the front of him?
- First game tonight.

First seminar tomorrow.
Let's be ready

for the Charlottetown Reds.
- Unless you're too hurt.

[mockingly]: Unless
you're too hurt.

He always finds a
way to contribute.

Ready to drag your
team into the fight?

Already hearing chatter
about how nice they are.

Who's their guy again, Ziig?

[Laura]: Gord Gallant.

- Gorgeous Gord?
- Tell me how you really feel.

- He's a good-lookin' guy.
- Just another sl*t.

How did you get to be
such a straight tamale?

- Practice.
- Huh?

Dedication, hard work.

You're a straight ghost pepper.

I'm interviewing him after this.

- Interviewing who?
- Gorgeous Gord.

- Well, I hope you're ready.
- For what?

- You better get ready.
- For what?

He's gonna take one look
at you, he's gonna say,

"Oh, my God!"
- No.

He's gonna take one look
at you, he's gonna say,

"This place is great!"
- I'm interviewing one standout

player from each
team you guys play.

These f*ck' guys.

They get to come to Sudbury
and see the best thing we got.

- Big Nickel?
- Laura, you are

the best thing in Sudbury.
- You're drunk.

You've seen me drunk.

[pulsing club music]

I don't think you should
get that drunk again.

I'm hearin' a lotta chatter

about how nice these
Charlottetown guys are.

- I bet Gord's a donkey.
- I'll take that action.

- Where'd you see him?
- Tournament program.

Say he's earned his nickname?

I'd say bring a mop and bucket.

- You're such an idiot.
- So, you're gonna be thinking

about him the next time you're
just knockin' my socks off.

- Oh?
- Oh yeah, rockin' my world.

- Think so?
- Gonna be all Gorgeous Gord

the next time you're
just making my universe

literally melt around me.
- Okay, dude.

I'm all like floating in
planets all like f*ck'...

- All f*ck' like what?
- In orbit.

I'll be interviewing you, too.

[both]: Fer what?!

Don't forget to pencil
me in, end of week.

I know you've been stepping
out on me with that other guy.

Who?

{\an8}[announcer]: Welcome to the
Sudbury Kids Sports Report.

{\an8}With your host, Jory Jordan.

We have our first match-up
results from the National

Senior Tournament as the
SOO Hunt have narrowly

edged the Vaughan Canadesi
by a score of 3-2.

And Les Rapides de Rawdon have
bucked the Brooks Barrelmen

by a score of 6-1.

But Brooks' Freezer Twins,
they're hurting guys.

[crowd jeers]

As we prepare you for
more tournament action

happening all week
at the Sudbury arena,

we begin today's broadcast with
one of my favorite segments,

Get with the Program.
Let's get you introduced

to the starting line-ups for
tomorrow night's match-up

between the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs

and the Charlottetown Reds,
via their official tournament

program photos. Starting
off with the host

Bulldogs captain,
number 69, Shore.

I've spent some time with
this fellow recently,

and if given the
opportunity again,

I'd rather draw on my
face with a box-cutter.

Would you look at him?
That's a face only a mother

should've smothered. Next,
we have number 4, Goodleaf.

A man with all the charm
of a clogged toilet.

I've seen more charisma
from stains on a dog bed.

Number 14, Hitchcock,
who is now offering

to sit on your front porch on
Halloween, for a small fee.

Number 3, JoDolo Diaby,

who looks like he enjoyed some
of the Johnny Red Eye that day.

Number 10, JJ Frankie JJ,

who I just know is walking
around with a bad wipe.

And finally, number


who sees the puck
quite well for a guy

whose eyes are so
close together.

[buzzer honks] Moving
on to the Charlottetown

Reds from the province
of Prince Edward Island.

Been hearing lots of chatter
about how nice these guys are.

Let's meet 'em,
ladies and gentlemen.

Here we've got starting
goalie, number 30,

Ewen MacDonald. Who
thinks this guy's ugly?

Ewen me both. Up next,
we've got number 16, Murphy.

See, now this fella's eyes
are a bit too far apart,

which is something
that happens when Mommy

goes glug-glug,
while fetus is still

snug as a bug in a rug.
That's right, kids,

I'm talking about
fetal alcohol syndrome.

Moving on to number 9, Smith,

the face of Prince Edward
Island dental care.

Number 11, Kayden Campbell.

'Cause it wouldn't be a Canadian
hockey team without a Kayden,

Hayden, Connor, or Cole.
Number 27, Jackson Bernard.

Look at the forehead
on this man.

Careful downtown after
dark, Jackie boy.

Someone's gonna write
"skoden" on that thing.

And finally, hockey player
or Hallmark movie hunk?

My god. Rounding out
the starting line-up

for the Charlottetown Reds is
the man known as Gorgeous...

Gord Gallant. Thank you
for your time today.

Thank you for your time, as
well. It's been a pleasure.

Just a couple more
questions for you.

How do you like your
chances this week?

Well, it's an honor to be
here with the best teams

in the country and we believe
we've earned our place

among them. We're here 'cause
no one can out work us.

We're confident we can
continue to win that way.

- Why the Reds?
- Prince Edward Island

has the red sand
and the red fox,

and Anne of Green
Gables' hair is also red.

- Thanks.
- That's it?

- That's it.
- Professional duties concluded?

- Clocking out.
- You're off the clock?

Just in time for gin o'clock.

I didn't wanna cross any
professional boundaries

while you're at work,
but if you're off now...

- I'm seeing someone.
- Ah, I figured.

Thanks again.

Well, I hope he's kind,
gentle, and compassionate.

Nope.

[energetic hip-hop music]

[Miig]: Shoresy, c'mere.

Fer what?

You're doing a quick
hit for BROdude.

Well, a little heads
up would've been nice.

Cut the lip, sl*t.
[Shoresy moos]

You're familiar with
Anik Archambault?

- BROdude.
- She's so hot.

She's a bit young but...

[fans cheering]

Good to go?

Shoresy, gonna be
an idiot out there

for our audience tonight?
- Probably.

Anik Archambault here
with the man who needs

no introduction to our audience.

Shoresy, what's the
Bulldogs' game plan

for the Charlottetown
Reds tonight?

Well, we know these
guys love hard work.

That's all we've been hearin'
about 'em for the last week.

So, that and how f*ck'
nice they are, so...

Wait, can I swear on here?
- f*ck no.

You know, it's like they
want me to f*ck one of them,

so many people telling me
how nice they are, but...

You know, we gotta come
out hard and fast here.

Show 'em we're here to compete.
And when they come out hard,

we'll come out harder.
So, you know, we stick

to our game plan out
there. Keep it simple.

Do the little things
right. And, uh...

think we'll come out with a W.
- Thanks, Shoresy.

You bet.

- Bad?
- Wow.

I know. How many
hockey clichés

can you fit into one interview?
- He was good.

- Really?
- Well, Shoresy's never

been short on words.

I think we've got
something here.

[Gord]: Gentlemen, good luck
out here tonight. All the best.

Wanted to let you know
we brought a ton of fresh

Atlantic lobster as
a gift to the hosts.

We're good anytime. Just let...
- What the f*ck are you doin'?

- What?
- Get the f*ck outta here.

- Buddy...
- Why are you still f*ck' here

talkin' to me? You're
trying to be my buddy?

- Come on.
- He wants to be my buddy, Jim.

- Yeah.
- Jim?

- Yes.
- Jim?

Gotta think there's more
to it than the lobster.

- Get the f*ck outta here.
- Relax.

What's the matter with this guy?
- I tell it to ya once.

- Unbelievable.
- This is how I tell ya

the next f*ck' time!
- Cut the sh*t!

- Get the f*ck outta here.
- Get the f*ck out!

- Cut the sh*t!
- Get the f*ck outta here!

Get outta here!
- What are you gonna do?

Only you could almost
start a warm-up brawl

with the nicest guy in hockey.

I don't care how
f*ck' nice he is.

Shoresy, way to drag
your team into the fight.

Yep. [Hitch]: That's how
ya sets the tone, b'y.

{\an8}I don't care how
f*ck' nice they are.

{\an8}[speaking French]

{\an8}Why's he talkin' to me about
f*ck' supper before the game?

[Goody]: Have you ever
had a Malpeque oyster?

- So good.
- Shoresy, where's Frankie been?

- Frankie? Huh?
- Yeah. Where's he been?

Well, it's maple syrup
season in Quebec.

- He's been gone all week.
- Well, maple leaf sandwich

cookies are pretty good.
- Just got in this afternoon.

Well, maple-glazed apple
blondies are pretty good.

- Boys are gonna be buzzin'.
- They'll be all over us.

Gotta wear 'em
down with the body.

We'll give 'em the lumber.

Your line's starting.

f*ck's sake.

What? Oh.

[chiming electronic music]

[crowd cheering]

[Shoresy]: Give him an option!

[players shouting indistinctly]

[whistle blows]

[crowd jeers] [Sanguinet]:
Hey Ref, time out!

[music continues]

Not gonna say anything, Sanger?

Catch your f*ck' breath.

Well, we can't lose the
first game of the f*ck'

tournament, boys.
Gotta match that effort

and find that gear. My line?
- Shoresy's line.

Let's go. Frankie, centre.

All right, Gord. Let's go, Gord.

Let's play hockey,
Gord. Let's battle.

[whistle blows] f*ck is that?

What the f*ck is that? [ref]:


He f*ck' slashed me.
[Shoresy]: f*ck's sakes!

You want the rough or the slash?

- That's horseshit.
- Get him a doctor.

Check him out.
Check his ovaries.

[crowd cheers]

[horn bellows]

[Shoresy]: There ya go,
Fishy! There ya go, Fishy!

On the board here, boys.
Let's keep'er goin' here now!

[crowd cheers]

[Shoresy]: Attaboy, JoDolo!

JoDolo like ya don't know.

Get the lead here,
boys. Let's pad it.

Let's pad that f*ck' lead!

[crowd cheers]

[Shoresy]: There's
Goody! There's Goody!

Everyone on the scoresheet here,
boys. Everyone chippin' in.

[Sanguinet]: Two goal lead's
the worst lead in hockey, boys!

[Shoresy]: Who wants
the next one, boys?

Who's f*ck' gettin' it?

[electronic music]

[crowd cheers]

[Shoresy]: The Jims
with the dagger.

Jims with the f*ck'
dagger! Nice work, Jims!

[buzzer honks]

[crowd cheers]

[Anik]: Shoresy, bit of a
rocky start for the Bulldogs,

but you were able to
claw your way back.

What changed after
the first Reds' goal?

Well, you know, the first
rule of playoff hockey

is don't get too high,
don't get too low.

So, you know, I think
it was the right time

for Sanger to call a timeout
there, get the boys refocused

and obviously we went out
and potted one right after.

Never looked back.
So, he's a good coach.

Looked like you and
nice guy, Gord Gallant,

were having words in
warm-up. What happened there?

I think he was
trying to f*ck me.

Ooh, what did you say?

You have to be a
lot nicer than that.

- Thanks, Shoresy.
- You bet.

Fascinating.

Yeah, he really doesn't
give a sh*t, huh?

I think he's good on camera
if he can sh**t from the hip.

f*cking useless if you
ask him to read, though.

Yeah, we've got something here.

You got a rowdy
booster club, eh?

[players chattering]

Looks like the f*ck' NOSHO

runner-ups just
f*ck' ran 'em up.

[players cheer]

Runners-up.

Well, boys,

two outta three perfect
periods ain't too bad.

Michaels, you get
the game stick.

[players cheer]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[music ends]

[distant siren wailing]

You're early.

[Hitch]: If you're not
ten minutes early...

- You're late.
- I'm sorry,

I had to pee so bad.

- Why is Michaels here? Huh?
- He's... he's gonna MC.

- He's rapping?
- Oh, my God!

- Master of Ceremonies.
- What it do, what it does.

Are you guys ready to give
back to the community?

I love doing charity work, Nat.

[Shoresy]: Shut the f*ck up,
Michaels, ya f*ck' doink.

This is the first
seminar of the week,

and it is going
to be a great one.

Let's set the tone in here now.

{\an8}We've got the captain
of the Sudbury

{\an8}Blueberry Bulldogs, the
three alternate captains,

{\an8}and the best goalie
in the NOSHO.

- Aw, Nat, thanks.
- And the subject

of today's seminar is nutrition.

- Yes!
- Nutrition?

What about it?

- What about what?
- Nutrition.

- All about it.
- Just like food groups

and carbs and fats and all that?
- Settle down.

No, like breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.

My three favorite
meals. Heh-heh.

[Nat]: These kids
are nine, dude.

All about nutrition
in here, boys.

Big day for nutrition
in here now.

It was a joke, guys.

{\an8}That breakfast, lunch, and dinner
are my three favorite meals.

There's only three
meals in a day.

- Michaels, shut the f*ck...
- We just gotta tell 'em

what we has for breakfast?
- Don't complicate this.

These kids look up to you.
Just tell them what you do

to prepare for a game, and
they'll eat it right up.

- Ooh, nice pun, Nat.
- Put in the time,

give the kids a
thrill, and wrap it up.

We've gotta get ready
for the Italians.

I heard they're real fast.

If they're Italians,
they're fast.

- Is that r*cist?
- Probably.

[Nat]: You guys ready?
- I think so.

[Nat]: All right,
I'm bringing them in.

I'm so hungry and now we
have to talk about food.

What are Cory and
Liam doing here?

We're counselors at
the hockey school.

Those kids are gonna be awful.

[Michaels]: Is this
all that's coming?

You're senior whale crap
hockey players. No one cares.

[Nat]: Everybody grab a seat.
- This is it?

Get started.

Okay, welcome, everyone, to
today's nutrition seminar.

As many of you know, my
name is Mark Michaels.

Okay. Uh, why don't we
introduce ourselves?

Michaels just tell 'em what
you have for breakfast.

Well, uh, the most
important thing about hockey

is how you prepare.
- No, the most important

thing in hockey is winning.
- Shoresy.

Michaels, just tell 'em
what you have for breakfast.

We got the Italians tomorrow.
- Well, oddly enough, guys,

I'm starting a new thing so...
- Hitch, whaddaya have

for breakfast?
- Eggs.

- Sick.
- Eggs are nice.

Why are you telling us
what you had for breakfast?

Doesn't he have to
raise his hand first...

- Raise your hand, please?
- Yes, and your name?

- Doesn't matter.
- Why are you telling us

what you had for breakfast?

Just giving you
some nutrition tips.

Eggs for breakfast isn't a tip.

- Eggs are unbelievable.
- Just there's gonna be

some other tips comin'.
Stuff you probably

haven't thought about.
- Goody, how do you cook your eggs?

- My girlfriend cooks 'em.
- Must be nice.

How does she cook them?
- Over easy.

- Over easy's nice.
- Eggs on toast is pretty good.

- Oh yeah.
- Pretty gangster.

- Yep.
- Are they trolling us right now?

Michaels, let's try this again.

Whaddaya have for breakfast?
- Well, I'm actually doing

a new thing called
intermittent fasting.

Dolo, whaddaya
have for breakfast?

{\an8}[kids giggle]

Oh yeah, a little
scramby? Lil scrambo?

Their parents paid


[Michaels]: You uh, put
anything in those eggs, Dolo?

{\an8}Ooh, cheese. Okay, but
stay away from cheese

{\an8}in the pre-game.

Cheese can go either
way on ya, b'ys.

What the frig is happening here?

Probably just wanna
stick with some peppers,

maybe some onions,
little bit of ham.

- Ham's nice.
- That's a Denver omelette.

- No, that's a Western omelette.
- It's the same thing.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

What do you think
of that tip, Cor?

- What tip?
- Just guys, be careful

with the stoves, okay?
- You think they're making

their own breakfast?
They're nine.

- Their moms do it.
- Or their dads.

All right, Michaels,
you ready to play ball?

I stop eating from


so technically my first
meal's lunch, so it's...

Whaddaya have for
lunch? [kids laugh]

- I'm more of a fruit guy but...
- You said it, not me.

[kids giggle]

[Nat]: The kids loved him.

Michaels? [Nat]: Shoresy.

[Miig and Ziig]: Shoresy?
- Yep, all three of 'em.

I'd love to see
that audience grow.

You've got two more
seminars with him?

One is a webinar.

Maybe just let him
focus on hockey.

He didn't have
his strongest game

against the Charlottetown Reds.
- He sucked.

- He didn't suck.
- 4-1 win and he was minus one.

- He's hurt.
- Yeah, they're all hurt.

Frankie might be our
only healthy guy.

But Shoresy always finds
a way to contribute.

We can always count
on him for that.

We need him focused
on the Italians.

If they're Italian,
they're gonna be fast.

Is that r*cist?
[Miig and Ziig]: No.

We'll need to keep an eye
out for Sly Sylvestri.

He'll be bringin' it.
- Bringing what?

The lumber.

[dramatic hip-hop music]

[pool cue clacks on ball]

Hey, Gordy! Gordo!

Hey, how long does
that crab stay good?

[Gord]: What?
- Will it stay good

four or five days 'til
the tournament's over?

- What are you...
- Huh?

- What do you want?
- Well, I wanna eat up

all that crab you
brought. Drink some beers.

- It was lobster.
- You said crab.

- No, I didn't.
- I was sure you said crab.

Well, then you
weren't listening.

Was really looking forward
to that crab, Gord.

Look, I don't know
what lobsters eat,

but if you need some
food to keep 'em good

for a little while, I'll
see if I can find some food.

Let's eat it up once
the tournament's over.

Drink some beers.

But if you can get
some crab brought in...

f*ck' loser.

[hip-hop music]