This was me,
Brian Butterfield,
aged five in my first business.
It's incredible to think that I've
been in business for over 50 years.
As the old saying goes,
"There's no business like business."
I've seen many changes in that time.
The first man on the moon,
the first man on Mars,
the mobile phone,
the mobile office,
the microwave oven,
the micro microwave oven,
the macrowave oven.
The Cold w*r,
Brexit.
But one thing has stayed the same.
No, not my mustache,
my determination to succeed.
So I, Brian Butterfield,
businessman,
entrepreneur,
businessman,
am going to impart to you all
of my wisdom and expertise
because now is the time
you can change your business.
Now is the time you can change your life.
Now is the time to begin my seminar.
The Call of Now.
- Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Call of now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please ready yourselves
for Brian Butterfield's "Call of Now."
Oh, Lord.
Yeah!
Yeah, baby!
Yeah!
Woo!
Alright.
Yeah.
Come on, baby!
Oh. Yes!
Come on.
Yeah.
All right!
Hello.
Welcome to...
It's okay.
I'm just having a little heart attack.
Thank you.
Three, two, one, clear.
No, I don't think that's got it.
Three, two, one, clear!
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it.
That was good.
If anything, it's beating
a little faster than before.
Good evening people of London!
Thank you all for joining
me for my business seminar,
The Call of Now.
By the end of this evening,
you will all have earned
a university approved qualification.
The university it is approved by
is the Butterfield University.
Established 1832,
or for those of you unfamiliar
with the 24 hour clock,
6:32, yeah.
I'm proud to say that
since just after half 6:00,
we've already reached number eight
in the Sunday Times' top 200 universities.
Thank you. Thank you.
We're ranked in alphabetical order.
And you are all particularly lucky tonight.
I don't want to give too much away,
but as a special surprise,
I will be launching my new business.
Woo!
- The countdown has begun.
Woo!
- And it's going to be out of this world.
Woo!
- Wink.
I've already said too much.
More later about my secret rocket.
So how did I get here?
Like a lot of people,
I started life as a baby.
But that didn't prevent me
from trying to open my first business.
However, the fact that I was too young
to open a business bank account or talk
did stop me from opening my first business.
But over time, like many
of you, I became older.
Finally, I did open my first business
installing asbestos in hospitals.
Unfortunately, it launched the day before
asbestos was controversially
banned from construction use.
Well, I'm not one to be deterred,
I opened my second business,
an asbestos removals company.
While that was shut down due to the staff
getting sick with,
you've guessed it,
lead poisoning.
But then, I came up
with a new business idea,
the Brian Butterfield Sushi Sauna.
Well, this pioneering
restaurant was awarded
three Michelin black
holes,
unfortunately making it
the worst restaurant of the universe.
But I pivoted to my next business,
Butterfield's Walk Around Safari Park
for people who love
animals but don't own a car.
Luck was finally on my side.
Bad luck.
As the route around the park was 25 miles,
it left people exhausted, dehydrated,
and vulnerable to animal attacks.
But then suddenly,
a light bulb went off
because I hadn't paid my electricity bill.
But it gave me an idea.
Butterfield's Dark Bulbs
for rooms that are too bright.
Well, due to each bulb
requiring 15,000 megawatts
to darken a room,
climate change for testers soon
put paid to that idea.
But when one door closes, a window opens,
which unfortunately I fell out of.
Thankfully, I only suffered major injuries.
During my convalescence,
I came up with a new business,
BUTT365,
the only gambling website
where the house loses, guaranteed.
After that business venture,
I was really cooking on gas
because I was having to live in a tent.
But then, my wildest dreams came true.
The dreams where I'm
savaged by a pack of bully XL's.
They ripped my suit to shreds,
but I bought a new suit
on the way to the theater as you can see.
That brings everybody right up to date.
Thank you.
That reminds me I need to
give myself a tetanus shot.
It's a mix of ginger,
apple juice, and tetanus.
It's very tetanus-y.
Now, by the end of this seminar,
all of you will have
the knowledge and tools
to grow your business, achieve your goals,
and have a life like mine.
Fitting my lifetime's knowledge
into an hour and a half
seminar might seem impossible,
but somehow I manage it.
Often with time to spare.
Last night's seminar
only lasted 11 minutes.
There was an interval.
But why should you listen to me?
Well, here are just a handful
of the multinational
organizations that I have advised.
Yep.
I helped to move all these
companies in a new direction,
and most recently I was head of operations
for the launch of
Manchester's co-op live arena.
But I know what you're wondering,
do my seminars get results?
Well, don't ask me.
Ask my previous attendees.
- Well, I signed up for a seminar
called The Importance of Detail,
but he put the wrong address on the poster.
- That is true.
As I told the empty
theater again and again,
we all must learn from our mistakes.
And fun fact,
I found out there's also
a Birmingham in America.
- He cried in the middle
of the presentation
and it was supposed to be about confidence.
How is that confident?
- Well, it actually
takes a lot of confidence
to cry in front of 200 people.
And in my defense, it was the same day
Zayn left One Direction.
That wasn't the reason I was crying,
it just happened to be the same day.
- He was talking us about the importance
of data protection.
But at the end,
instead of handing out his business cards,
he handed out his own bank cards instead.
- Correct again.
Fortunately, no money was stolen
because each card had
already reached its overdraft limit.
And that was because
I'd accidentally read out
my bank details earlier in the seminar.
- He said, you have to dress to impress,
but he'd forgotten his trousers.
- Well, I can't remember everything,
I'm a busy man.
That's why I now wear
two pairs of trousers.
Oh, where's my other pair?
- Whilst he was talking
about the importance
of your business being at
the forefront of technology,
he kept being interrupted by his pager.
- Well, that wasn't a
pager for your information.
That was a Tamagotchi,
who shortly afterwards,
sadly died, age 27.
Rest in peace, Pikachu.
I remember it well,
it was the same day Zayn left
One Direction,
although the reason he left
One Direction was unrelated
as far as I know.
So there you have it.
What a wide ranging mix of reviews.
Although I must be honest,
I did cherry pick the best ones.
On this course,
I will be teaching you many things
I've learned over the years,
but one principle underpins them all.
Persminstence.
Spros-minstence.
Sorry, just bear with me a second.
Suspiciousness!
Sprilliant-centcent-say.
I don't... I don't...
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Percy is tense.
Percy is tense.
Percy is tense.
Percy is tense.
Percy is tense.
Percy is tense.
Persistence, persistence, persistence!
Persistence, persistence!
Yep, got it.
Just goes to show the
power of prisminstence.
Now, I don't believe there
is such a thing as failure
because I see each
failure as a lesson learned,
which means I've learned at least
1,400 lessons and
counting.
I can't teach you all
of those lessons tonight
because A, we don't have enough time.
And B, I've forgotten most of them.
I think it's me trying to
psychologically protect myself.
However, I have boiled
down the ones I can remember
to five key, easy to
remember business principles
that I call the five B's.
And here they are, the five B's,
invention,
networking,
adaptability,
resilience,
and bee positive.
Thank you.
The five bees.
So, how do you remember this list?
Simple.
All you have to do is
associate the type of bee
with the relevant business principle.
Bumble, because bumble bees have wings
just like the Wright brothers' first plane,
which was an invention!
Honey because honey bees live in a hive
where they like to networking!
Drone because a mechanical drone
can be used as a fun children's toy
that you fly around the garden
or as a lethal k*lling machine
to drop bombs on enemy targets,
which demonstrates adaptability!
Queen,
because Queen Elizabeth II,
God rest her soul,
was married to Prince Philip for 73 years,
which shows she had a
great deal of resilience!
And of course, the final bee,
Habropoda pallida.
Because Habropoda pallida
is the happiest of the bees,
so will always bee positive!
It couldn't be simpler.
Thank you.
However, some people have fed back to me
that they find it difficult
to remember the name,
Habropoda pallida.
So for those people,
I've come up with this simple pneumonic.
Harold always brings rotten oranges
past other dirty apples.
Space.
Pedro adores lovely
lollies in Diana's attic.
It's that simple.
And if you're more of a visual learner,
then this image may help.
It's Harry Styles bringing rotten oranges
past dirty apples,
space,
Pedro Pascal eating a lovely lolly
in Diana's attic.
That is, of course, one of
the final photos of Lady Diana.
It's from Pedro Pascal's
private collection,
we thank him.
Which gets you to Habropoda pallida,
which is the happiest
of the bees, bee positive.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Brian?
Yes.
What if I forget that your
system is called the Five Bees?
Oh, good question.
Thank you.
Well, I've got an easy
way to memorize that too.
If you can't remember the Five Bees,
simply think of the Five Teas,
oolong, mint, Earl Grey,
chamomile, Russian caravan.
Then you'll just have to associate
each of those varieties
of tea with the words
Brian Butterfield's
brilliant business plan.
The word on each tea begins with a B,
which gets you to the Five Bees.
And as we all know by now,
the Five Bees are bee positive,
resilience, invention,
adaptability, and networking.
I just noticed something.
The first letters of
those words spell Brian.
Such a shame they're not in that order.
So, let's get on with the first bee,
which is the third bee, adaptability.
One of the most powerful
adaptabilities you can make
is to change your career.
That's what we're gonna do tonight
for some of you in the audience
with the help of my
smart assistant, Bri-AI-n.
Bri-AI-n, say hello to everyone.
Okay, saying
hello to everyone in the world.
Hello, Aaron Aronson.
Hello, Abby Aronson.
Hello-
- Just say hello.
- Hello.
- Thank you.
And Bri-AI-n will be helping me
recommend the perfect careers
for you people in the audience
to change your lives for
the better or the worst,
I'm legally required to say that.
Bri-AI-n has been encoded
with a state of the art
careers algorithm to help
you find your perfect job.
Now, I must be honest,
I don't actually know what an algorithm is.
Bri-AI-n, what is an algorithm?
An algorithm is a
drumbeat played by Al Gore.
Oh.
Fascinating.
I didn't know that.
So, let's change someone's life.
Who here is looking for a career change?
Please raise your hand.
Let's see.
Raise your hands.
Yes, I don't like the look of anybody yet.
This person here in the black garment.
What's your name?
- John Paul.
- John Paul?
John Paul.
John Paul.
John Paul, what do you
do for a living, John Paul?
- Gardening.
- Gardening?
Oh, I see.
I can't really think of anything funny
or interesting to say about that,
John Paul.
It's a shame.
John Paul, to help the algorithm,
can you please answer this question?
What is your favorite number
between naught and one?
- 0.7.
- 0.7, same as mine.
Thank you.
And that one piece of data
is all the algorithm needs.
Bri-AI-n, please give career advice.
I advise that
you avoid visiting Korea
between June and August
as this is monsoon season.
- No, not Korea.
Career.
As in what is the best career for someone?
The best career for those
who enjoy tyrannical
governments is North Korea.
- No, let me rephrase it.
Bri-AI-n, what role would you recommend?
For this person,
I would recommend a sausage roll.
- Not that kind of roll.
Okay, try again.
Bri-AI-n, what would be
the best role for their career?
The most popular roll in Korea
is a kimbap sushi roll.
- No.
No.
Bri-AI-n, please suggest
an ideal occupation or career.
The first
occupation of Korea was in 1592
by the Japanese.
- No.
What is the perfect job for this person?
Web designer for spiders.
- Web designer for spiders.
Well, congratulations.
Who else would like
some advice from Bri-AI-n?
This person here rather
timidly raising his hand.
No, now very confidently doing it.
Maybe a little...
Two hands!
I don't know.
What's your name?
- Ben.
- Ben.
Ben, what do you do, Ben?
- I'm a plumbing and heating engineer.
- Plumbing and heating engineer.
See another one,
I can't think of anything for that at all.
To help Bri-AI-n understand you better,
please answer this question, Ben.
What will be the name of your final pet?
- Dexter.
- Dexter.
Dexter, and Dexter's your dog?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- He's gonna live forever.
- He's gonna live forever? Okay.
Bri-AI-n, what is their ideal job?
- Lord Mayor's Croupier.
- Lord Mayor's Croupier.
You've hit the jackpot, baby.
Congratulations.
The oldest profession.
Okay, this person here with the...
I think it looks like could be hair
or possibly a sort of floppy hat.
Hello. What's your name?
Rachel?
Angel?
Satchel?
- Rachel!
- Rachel!
That's what I thought
it was, Rachel, Rachel.
Rachel, what job do
you currently do, Rachel?
- I'm the head of marketing.
- You're the head of marketing?
Wow, three in one night.
Three in one night.
Head of marketing. Fascinating.
If you could have any superpower,
which would it be?
America, Russia, or China?
- I would like space.
- You would like space.
Well, that's quite an interesting answer.
So, Bri-AI-n, we have Rachel,
what job do you recommend for her?
Children's bounty hunter.
Children's bounty
hunter.
Well, now I should clarify,
as a children's bounty hunter,
you won't be hunting the children,
you will be employed by the children
to hunt and abduct the
adult target of their choosing.
Well, thank you Bri-AI-n.
Thank you, Rachel.
Thank you.
And to everyone, thank you.
Now, to everybody who's
been assigned a new career,
Bri-AI-n has made your transition easier
by emailing your current
employer on your behalf
with an AI-generated letter of resignation.
And great news, all of your
employers have accepted.
So, good luck in your new chapter!
Now, before we continue,
here are some words
from one of our sponsors.
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Thanks again to our sponsor, me.
Thanks me. I'm welcome.
Let's move on to the
second bee, networking!
I recently used my networking skills
to secure a business lunch
with Sir Richard Branson.
Yep, yep, the man behind
Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Records,
and the business that
started it all off, virgin olive oil.
But for many of you,
the most important part of networking
will be impressing potential
employers in interviews.
Interviews can be intimidating.
You have to be prepared
for tough questions like,
"Brian, where are your shoes?"
"Brian, why are the
edges of your CV burnt?"
"Brian, you do know there isn't
a university called Oxbridge."
Oh, really?
Well, in that case,
where did I spend three
years doing my degree?
Over time, I've built a wealth
of interview experience.
The best way for me to
impart my foolproof techniques
is to demonstrate them through role play.
So, I'm going to need a volunteer.
Can I have a volunteer, please?
How about this person?
Let's have a big round of
applause for this person here.
Thank you. Please, will
you come and sit over here?
And what's your name?
- Jack.
- In this role play,
you'll be rolling the play of interviewer.
And the company you're
interviewing on behalf of
is Chinese tech giant, Huawei.
Now, they say the perfect
interview doesn't exist.
I beg to differ.
Let's show them the perfect interview!
Okay.
If you could read the first
question on the card, please.
- What attracted you to this role?
- Well, I've always been an
admirer of your organization
and I think I'm well equipped
to help you move on to the next level.
Also, I'm heavily in debt.
Next question, please.
- Sorry, how rude of me,
I should have asked you earlier,
would you like a tea or coffee?
- Oh, yes, please.
I'd like a decaf caramel macchiato
with just a splash of tea.
Let's just pause there.
Now, the pretend coffee
machine is just over there.
Off you go.
- Of course.
- I'll wait here.
And let's un-pause there.
How's the coffee preparation coming along?
I don't seem to hear any noises.
- There you go.
- What happened?
Is it one of those new silent machines?
I see, it's got the delayed noise.
Yes, I hear.
I see.
Anyway, thank you.
What's this? This isn't a
decaf caramel macchiato.
It's a cappuccino with sugar free hazelnut.
Nevermind, it'll do.
Let's get on with the interview.
Next question, please.
- There's a bit of a gap in your CV.
Can you explain that?
- Yes, I can. Yes.
I accidentally typed that
section in a white font.
Yep, I realize my mistake now,
I should have printed
that section on black paper.
Oh, is there someone at the door?
Let's pause there.
This next section teaches you
how to deal with distractions.
I'm gonna need another volunteer.
Can I get another volunteer?
Another volunteer?
This lady here.
No, no, no, no.
You put your hands up
and you put two of 'em up.
Legally, you have to come
to this stage right now.
Let's give her a big round of applause.
Thank you.
Yes.
And what is your name?
- Alice.
- Alice, Alice.
When I say let's un-pause here,
could you come through the pretend door
and read out what is on the card?
Let's un-pause there.
Alice,
before you read the card, you couldn't have
a look at the coffee machine, could you?
Actually, don't worry.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
- I'm so sorry to interrupt.
The boss has requested an urgent meeting
with all staff in the lobby.
- Oh, the manager of the Apollo Theater?
Yeah.
- Wait a second, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Alice.
I didn't realize she was acting.
Sorry to panic you, everybody.
That was very good.
That was very good!
I'm sorry, could you read that again?
I promise I won't ruin it.
- I'm so sorry to interrupt.
The boss has requested an urgent meeting
with all staff in the lobby.
- Ooh, let's pause there.
A meeting with the boss and
everybody else in the company.
It's the perfect opportunity
to network with the bigwigs.
Let's un-pause there.
I'd like to come along to this meeting too.
Let's pause there.
Now, this is a full staff meeting,
so I'm going to need another 11 volunteers.
Thank you.
Okay, yes, you please.
Yes, thank you.
Let's have a round of applause, please.
Yes, you.
Thank you. And you, yes.
Yes, please, you.
And you and you.
So if you could stand here,
that would be great.
You were very good, you.
I've got a great part lined up for you.
Now please spread lightly,
this stage is made of balsa wood.
Allow me to set the scene.
We are in the opulent lobby
of Chinese tech giant, Huawei.
You are the CEO.
You are their assistant.
You are the head of human resources.
You are the head of finance
who is having a steamy affair
with the head of human resources.
You three are window cleaners.
So you're outside the window,
you cannot hear anything
inside the building,
so do not react to it.
I've forgotten who you're supposed to be.
But you, you are a Deliveroo driver.
The crowd formed around you
and now it's too awkward to leave.
You are the method actor, Daniel Day-Lewis,
and you're researching a role
for the upcoming Martin Scorsese movie,
"Vending Machine Repairman."
And you four are the
eldest children of the CEO
who is praying that this is the moment
your father passes the business onto you
in a moment of succession.
Okay, glad that's all clear.
Thank you.
We've been assembled in the lobby
to hear an announcement
from the company's CEO.
Could you read this card, please.
- You're all fired.
- What did you say?
- You're all fired.
- You're all fired.
You're all fired.
Well, come on everybody, react.
You just lost your jobs.
Not you, window cleaners!
Your jobs are completely safe.
You're not employed by Huawei,
you're employed by the building.
Daniel Day-Lewis, that was really good.
That was unexpected, but very, very good.
Wait, what's that noise outside?
It sounds like a large crowd approaching.
Let's pause there.
I forgot to say that this interview
is taking place on the same
day as the London Marathon,
so I'm gonna need another 662 volunteers.
What's that there?
We can't have any more
people on the stage apparently.
Okay, well,
to cut a long story short, I got the job.
And there you have it,
the perfect interview!
Thank you!
Thank you very much everybody!
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you, I'll take that.
Thank you. If you could
leave the stage please.
One of you leave a bolt on the stage?
Anybody drop a bolt?
No?
Must've been left by a previous show,
presumably a production of "Frankenstein."
Incidentally, of course,
Frankenstein wasn't
the name of the monster.
He of course was called Herman Munster.
Now, as I hinted before,
you're all very lucky to
have joined me this evening.
As you know, all great
businessmen worth their salt
or vinegar
have launched their own rocket.
Elon Musk has SpaceX.
Jeff Bezos has Project Phallus.
And Alan Sugar has Abstract Galactic.
Well, tonight, I will be
joining that elite group
as I launch ButterRocket.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bri-AI-n, show live feed of my rocket.
Showing live feed now.
Now, thank you.
This is a field on the
outskirts of Hammersmith.
And in less than one hour,
we will watch that rocket take off live.
Yeah, yeah. Whoa.
This launch is symbolic of
the most important lesson
I can teach you tonight.
You also listen to those
people who tell you
it can't be done.
The naysayers,
the haters,
the venture capitalists,
the scientists,
the environmentalists,
your therapist,
the police,
and the aviation authorities.
All you need is a dream.
My whole business life has
been leading up to this moment.
ButterRocket will send
the Butterfield brand
around the globe.
It's payload, a satellite.
And once it's in orbit,
the satellite will be
capable of transmitting
my new streaming servers, Buttflix,
directly into every home on the planet,
whether they want it or not.
Now, I'll be honest with you,
not every business I've
set up has been successful.
In fact, you could say not
any business I've set up
has been successful.
However, ButterRocket is different.
I could feel it.
I'm so sure that
ButterRocket will be a success
that I've sacrificed everything
I own to fund this project.
I've sold my office, my home, my car,
plus three of my kidneys.
What matters is I'm so
thrilled that you're all here
to watch the launch of
my new rocket with me.
So, let's start the process.
Bri-AI-n, are air conditions appropriate?
The appropriate
time to use hair conditioner
is after shampoo.
- No, I'm asking about the weather.
Is the weather suitable for takeoff?
The weather
will be suitable for takeoff
in approximately 45 minutes.
- Thank you. That's great news.
Can't wait to watch the
launch with you all tonight.
Well, provided my webcam
batteries don't run out,
or that a sheep doesn't
walk in front of the lens.
Oh, no.
Shoo!
Shoo!
Shoo, sheepy.
Shoo, sheepy.
I'm so sorry, everybody,
I've got to Uber out to the launch site
to get that sheep out of the way.
Meanwhile, here are some
words from one of our sponsors.
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There's no business like business
Like no business I know
Everything's accountancy and dealing
Floating on the FTSE or the Dow
Market dividends are so appealing
With guaranteed
annuities from your cash cow
There's no people like business people
They smile when their shares grow
Even if your office is about to be sold
'Cause you defaulted
payment on your freehold
Start another business
No, you're never too old
Just re-re-mortgage your home
Now let's get on with the seminar
Seminar
So, let's get started with the second half.
Now,
I know I just said let's get started,
but before we do get started,
I'm afraid to say that during the interval,
I forgot to go to the toilet.
So please excuse me, I won't be long.
Do you know the way to the men's room?
Thank you.
And is there a toilet in the men's room?
Thank you again.
This must be it.
Here we are.
Oh, I'm outside now.
Oh, I think the door's locked behind me.
Hello?
Hello, could a theater person let me in?
Perhaps it will open if I run
at it and try and bash it down.
Wow, I think I've
cracked three vertebrae.
If only there was another way to enter.
Wait, the entrance!
Chestnuts,
get your chestnuts here.
Oh, yes, I'd
like two chestnuts please.
Thank you.
Hot!
Oh, great.
Hello, I'm looking for the men's room.
- Let's see your ticket.
- I don't have one.
I'm in the show.
Then can I scan your pass?
You can, but I'm
afraid it's in my dressing room.
But it's okay, I think I can
remember the QR code.
Let me just draw it for you.
Black square, white square,
black square, black square, white square,
black square, white square, blocky line,
white square, black square,
black square, black square,
big black square.
Try that.
Perfect. In
you go, Mr. Butterfield.
Thank you.
And here's the auditorium.
Hello, everyone.
Sorry about that.
Oh wait, this is the wrong theater.
Sorry, Sir Ian McKellen.
You again?
You f*cking idiot!
Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize.
I'm going to have to start
the f*cking soliloquy again!
Now where's my theater?
Ah, there it is.
- Hi, can I see your...
- Yes. Here's my QR code.
That's not a QR code.
That's a crossword.
I lost the one I just drew.
Could you try scanning
the crossword anyway?
- In you go, Mr. Butterfield.
- Thank you.
What are you looking at?
It's not Ian McKellen, is it?
Ah, no. Here we are.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Everyone, I do apologize.
If you would like a refund
for the last two minutes,
simply fax me and I will
issue one via traveler's check.
Now, where was I?
Oh yes, I was about to go to the toilet.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute,
I've just remembered.
During the interval,
I did go to the toilet.
Phew.
Now, let's continue with part B
of the second bee, networking.
In one of my first ever business meetings,
I barely understood a word anyone said.
That's because they were
using business terminology
and also because I was in Tokyo.
So tonight I'm gonna teach
you all the business terms
you need to know in
Brian's Business Glossary.
Business glossary
- And before I begin,
for those of you who
don't know what the words,
business and glossary mean.
Business means
the act of doing business.
Glossary means a vendor of gloss paint.
Pushing the envelope,
the business way to get an
item of post into a post box.
Intellectual property,
a house belonging to e.g. Steven Fry.
E-commerce.
Commerce in Yorkshire.
Invest
how you dress when working from home.
Synergy,
the energy you get from sinning.
Ballpark figure,
the physique of a baseball player.
Brainstorm,
a banging in your head
that occurs after you filed for bankruptcy.
Merger,
the agreement of two businesses
to join forces often broken on a trade,
hence the phrase merger
on the Orient Express.
Congratulations,
you're now fluent in
the language of business!
Business glossary
- Now it's time for the third bee.
But before I do,
whoever is in charge of the sound,
I know I asked for hard house stings,
but please could you try
something a little gentler.
Thank you.
Let's move on to the
fourth bee, resilience.
The key to being resilient is confidence.
Now, some people are born with confidence.
For example, "Boss Baby."
But others need to learn confidence.
That's why I'm about to teach you
how to be confident people.
Firstly, I need to identify who amongst you
are the introverts and
who are the extroverts.
So could all the introverts please stand up
and
wave your arms around and...
No?
Well, using my Brian Butterfield
hypnotherapy techniques,
I will subconsciously train all of you
to be more confident.
Now, if anybody is operating
heavy machinery right now,
please stop.
Breathe in,
breathe out.
Breathe in,
breathe out.
Breathe out.
Breathe out.
And breathe out.
Imagine you are in your happy place,
your special place,
the place you feel safest.
A gentle breeze is blowing
against your naked body.
Live in the moment,
absorb and appreciate every
wonderful thing around you,
utilizing each and every
one of your three senses.
The revitalizing smell of fried chicken,
the babbling of youths as
they inhale nitrous oxide.
The delicate flapping of a
majestic one winged pigeon.
This is your confident place.
This is where you can return to
whenever you feel self-doubt.
So always remember
you are brave,
you are strong
mentally,
you're still physically weak.
You are bold,
B-O-L-D.
And some of you are bald,
B-A-L-D.
But above all,
you are naked,
you are confident.
Now, slowly come back into the room
as you can now finally breathe in.
Well done for holding
your breath for that long.
And from here on, I
shall not be advising you
on your breathing patterns.
Breathing is now your responsibility.
And you can now open your eyes.
Oh, I should have said at the start,
close your eyes.
Is everybody feeling more confident?
- Yes!
- Yes?
Then let's confidently
move on to the fourth bee,
which is the first bee, invention.
The defibrillator only has
one charge left, you know.
Invention is the lifeblood of any business,
be it a piece of software,
a new product,
or simply just an idea.
Right now, I'm gonna give you the chance
to pitch your brand new businesses to me.
Your idea needs to be new, original,
and not just a cheap copy of
something that's gone before.
This is Brian's Den.
Tonight, I'll be investing
a serious amount of money
in one of your businesses.
No, no, not 10,000.
No, not 50,000.
No, tonight,
I will be investing 100,000 butt coins.
Thank you.
Which is my new cryptocurrency.
It's called a cryptocurrency
because the computer I store it on
is located at a church crypt.
Now,
cryptocurrencies do tend to go up or down,
so I don't quite know how much
tonight's prize money is worth
in British money right now.
Let me check.
Bri-AI-n,
how much is 100,000 butt coins
in UK Pound Sterling?
100,000 butt coins is worth
eight pounds sterling.
- Oh, it's gone up.
That's right.
Somebody in this theater will leave tonight
with 100,000 butt coins.
Life changing.
Now, thank you all for
messaging in your business ideas.
There were lots of them,
but many of them were very low quality.
However, three ideas
caught my business eye,
which is my right eye.
I use my left eye for pleasure.
So could the following
three budding entrepreneurs
please make their way to the stage.
Amelia Jones, Matt
Broughton, and Jack Shannon.
Thank you.
And while you're making
your way to the stage,
here's another quick word from
another one of our sponsors.
Criminals are everywhere.
They're on the streets.
They're in the office.
They're in restaurants,
but now they're on the internet.
When it comes to online banking,
you need to keep your
money as safe as possible.
Introducing Butterfield Secure Banking.
I'm proud to say Butterfield Secure Banking
was voted least favorite online bank
by "Cyber Criminal Monthly."
And it's no wonder.
My security measures
will keep your money safe.
To access your money,
all you have to do is enter your name,
your password,
which must contain at least one letter,
one number, and one emoji.
Your memorable word,
your unmemorable word,
your mother's maiden name,
your maiden's mother's name,
Iron Maiden's mother's names.
Click "I am not a robot,"
or tick "I am a robot,
and this is my account."
Click on the squares
containing traffic lights.
Click on the squares containing squares.
Then, you'll be sent an 87 digit code
to your AOL instant messenger.
To maximize security,
the code is only valid for five seconds.
And you're in.
It's that easy.
If you've forgotten any
of your details, don't worry.
Simply click, I've forgotten my password.
And your password will appear.
Butterfield Secure Banking,
absolutely no one is getting
their hands on your money.
Deposit now.
Well, that was a rather slick advert.
I think you'll agree.
Certainly I haven't been able
to pay the advertising agency
that made it because I've been
unable to access my money.
Now, let's welcome onto the stage,
Amelia Jones, Matt
Broughton, and Jack Shannon.
Congratulations on being selected by me
to pitch your business ideas.
Amelia,
I assume.
Is that right?
- Yes, yes, I'm Amelia.
- You're not Jack?
No? Could be short for Jacqueline.
No.
- As in Jacqueline, the ripperette.
Amelia, what's your business idea?
- It's a really innovative idea.
It's makeup for dogs.
- Make up for dogs, I like it.
Well, you know, look, we all love dogs,
but they are ugly.
- Exactly.
We've got clothes for dogs.
We've got gadgets for dogs.
We've got light up things.
- Yeah.
- Why not makeup?
- Cars for dogs.
- Yes!
- Helicopters for dogs.
- Exactly.
- They're rather spoiled, aren't they?
Yes.
- So is this, would it be tested on humans?
- Dermalogic...
Was it dermatology?
Dermatologically tested.
- Dermot O'Leary.
- Yeah.
- Yes, get him to front the ad campaign.
Because you're woof it.
Because you're woof it.
I think it's a wonderful idea.
Thank you very much.
Amelia Jones, that's a great idea.
Pass the mic.
Jack, how you doing?
- Very well, thank you.
- Good.
Nice natural speaking
voice you have down there.
So what's your business?
- Anecdotal Rental.
- Anecdotal Rental.
I see.
You just rent them?
- Yes. It's not to buy.
- They're not to buy?
- No.
- Okay, okay.
That's put a lot of people off I think.
How much can you rent
an anecdote for how long?
- Just for an evening.
No longer, no shorter.
- And what's your anecdote library like?
Have you got some good ones?
- We're hoping to sign some big names soon.
- Oh, really?
May I ask who?
- Well...
- A double wink.
It can't be.
- It is.
- Is it?
I think we all know
who we're talking about.
- It's you.
- That wasn't who I was thinking of.
I was thinking of Holly Willoughby.
It's me.
Well, now you've got my interest, Jack.
Look, I just wanna remind everybody that
we are playing this for 100,000 butt coins.
Let's find out how much
that is worth right now.
Bri-AI-n, tell us how
much 100,000 butt coins
is worth right now.
100,000 butt coins is worth
one million pounds.
It's gone up again!
This is serious money.
Matt, give it all you got.
This is for 100,000 butt coin.
- My idea is for a Scouse accent pill.
It's a pill you take that
gives you a Scouse accent.
- Now look, I don't know
why you're wasting my time.
- I've got a prototype.
Hold on.
- Alright, cool.
Thank you.
What flavor is it?
- Menthol.
- Menthol.
Waste of bloody time, this mate.
Waste of bloody time!
I told you it's a scam.
It's just a scam, you know that.
- I should warn you as this is a prototype,
it doesn't last very long,
it only lasts about 30 seconds.
- Oh, really?
It lasts only 30 seconds, does it?
Well, it hasn't done anything, has it?
I mean...
Well, no,
a placebo pill.
Okay, look, this is a
very important decision.
I can't make it alone,
I'm gonna have to turn to my focus group.
You.
Is it make up for dogs?
Is it the Anecdotal Rental?
Or is it the Scouse accent pill?
I think it's the Scouse accent pill.
Well, un-congratulations to our two losers,
Jack and Amelia,
thank you for coming on the show.
Thank you.
Please, let's have a big round of applause.
Thank you.
Well, Matt, somehow you've got me to invest
in your business.
Dunno how you managed to do that, mate.
Oh no, sorry, there's a little
bit of your pill left in my tooth.
Well, congratulations.
You've won an investment
of 100,000 butt coins.
Let's find out how much
that is worth right now.
100,000 butt coins
is currently worth minus 37,000 pounds.
- Oh, dear.
As I've said earlier, crypto
does go up and down.
So I am sorry to saddle your business
with such crippling debt.
Thank you,
and good luck with your
already bankrupt business!
Well, I have some
wonderful news for you all.
You have now all completed
"The Call of Now" syllabus,
which means you're all
graduates of Butterfield University!
And even better news,
it's now time to send my
Buttflix satellite into orbit.
Bri-AI-n,
let's take a look at the live feed.
Showing live feed now.
- Well, thank you.
I really hope this works
because I've given up
all my worldly possessions
and three of my worldly
organs to build this rocket.
The only thing that could scupper
this momentous launch now
is the weather.
Bri-AI-n,
how is the weather?
Weather conditions optimal.
- Then, we're over the last hurdle.
This is it.
From here on in, absolutely
nothing can go wrong.
Thank goodness because you
know the sacrifices I've made
to get here, both personal
and financial are enormous.
Rocket
launch is too dangerous.
Rescheduling launch would be advisable.
Oh.
Oh, no, the Butter post has fallen off.
I'll have to postpone the launch,
but at least I know
where this bolt came from.
Oh.
I'm sorry everyone.
It's very disappointing to
have to postpone the launch,
but you simply can't take risks
when it comes to launching metallic tubes
filled with highly flammable jet fuel.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
Although, maybe it's not a bad thing
the seminar is ending early
as I am rather exhausted.
Haven't been eating well whilst on tour.
I really must get back
on my Butterfield diet.
Starting tomorrow,
with a mini lettuce leaf.
Actually, I'll set myself a reminder.
Bri-AI-n,
I'd like a mini lettuce
leaf at noon tomorrow.
Prepare rocket for lunch.
Preparing rocket for launch.
- What? No, no, no.
Cancel launch.
Canceling
your lunch appointment
with Sir Richard Branson.
- Oh, no. It took me ages to get that!
No, un-cancel lunch and cancel launch.
I did not understand.
Please try again.
- Stop countdown.
I have set up a petition
to stop the Channel 4 show countdown.
It already has five signatures.
- Terminate mission.
The Terminator's mission
was to k*ll Sarah Connor.
Do you wish me to k*ll Sarah Connor?
- No!
Switch rocket off.
Put rocket into standby.
Standing by
for takeoff in five, four-
- No.
- Three,
two...
- No.
One.
- No!
We have lift off.
- My rocket.
And my webcam.
Well, that's another business up in flames.
You know, even in my lowest moments,
my motto has always been,
if at first you don't succeed,
try, try, try, try, try,
try, try, try, try, try,
try, try, try, try and try again.
Well, I tried that.
And let's face it, I
haven't succeeded once.
Aw.
- Maybe it is finally time to admit.
I am a terrible businessman.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I shouldn't be standing up
here on this stage because
who am I to run a seminar?
Who am I to tell you how to be successful?
What's the point of even trying?
What's the point of anything?
Life is just a series of business failures
and then you die.
Right, what's the last slide?
Well, that's easy for you
to say, PowerPoint slide!
How can I be positive when
I failed in all my businesses?
I failed all of you, students.
I failed to make an AI that
can even understand me.
Stupid Bri-AI-n.
I don't even know the definition
of a successful businessman.
A successful businessman
is someone who builds
a loyal consumer base,
willing to exchange
money for goods or services.
- Well, there you go.
I can't even do that.
I'm sorry to you all for wasting your money
in exchange for my services.
Wait a minute,
I do have a loyal consumer base.
You!
You chose to waste your money
in exchange for my services,
and goods, if you buy merch in the foyer.
This simply wouldn't have
happened without you.
So by Bri-AI-n's definition,
I suppose I am a successful businessman.
For the first time in my life,
I feel like I've succeeded,
emotionally, obviously, not financially.
And that tiny taste of success
makes me even more determined
because I'm not just doing this for me,
I'm doing it for you.
So, I promise to never give up.
I promise I'll always keep trying,
which just goes to show
the power of persminstence.
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