01x01 - Who's a Good Girl?

[bunniefuu]

I think

it's important to remember

just because

you had a bad day

doesn't mean you're a bad dog.

You're a good dog, Elsa.

You're a good dog.

- Good dog.

- I prefer not to be limited

by the good-dog/bad-dog binary.

It's a spectrum,

and I live somewhere

between compliant and frisky.

You know,

I think I'm somewhere

- between not a dog and a cat.

- I'm all cat, baby.

- Domestic in the shack, feral in the sack.

- Yuck.

If The Gray One

is done humiliating himself

- Never.

- I have a share.

I've been thinking about the

untimely loss of Big Cookie,

our furry friend

and group member,

And it's brought up a lot

of feelings about myself.

- Will I ever find love again?

- [barking]

Come back here,

you stinking tree rats!

Or am I destined to a life

of random backyard trysts?

Oh, you think

you can hide from me?

Nameless, faceless encounters

under the trampoline.

I know you're around here

somewhere.

- Just pounding, pounding away in darkness.

- Whoa.

Chief, you're not supposed to

be in here during group.

Come on out.

I eat furry little freaks

like you for breakfast.

I know you're not talking to me.

Aha! I see you nut hustlers,

and I'm coming for you!

Dude, you know the squirrels are

on the other side of the [grunts]

Glass.

[squirrels chattering]

Go on, Shel.

You were pounding,

pounding away in the dark?

[upbeat rock music]

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪♪

[laughing]

We're frolicking!

Frolicking hard!

Go long!

I got it!

Luckily, I'm a mer-dog.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

- [yelps]

- Ah!

I'm so sorry,

I thought you were a

A ball?

I know you [bleep] mer-dogs

- think everything's a [bleep] ball.

- Jellyfish are so angry.

- Big Cookie?

- Goodbye, Honey.

Big Cookie,

where are you going?

My ride's here.

Say goodbye, Honey.

No! Come back!

♪♪

I can drive and stick

my head out the window?

This is heaven!

[whimpering]

Big Cookie, come back.

[snoring]

- [sighs] Chief, wake up.

- Yeah, what? I'm up.

[grunts]

Listen, I had that dream again.

Not the one where I'm human,

- but I can still poop anywhere

- Uh-huh.

But the one where

I'm a gorgeous mer-dog,

and Big Cookie drives away

in the heaven car.

- Uh-huh.

- Wonder what it means.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know,

I had a dream last night.

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean,

it's kinda hard to remember

all the details,

but the basic gist of it was

[farts]

- [laughs]

- I walked right into that one.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I actually really did

have a dream last night.

Oh, for real?

Okay, wow, what was it?

- [farts]

- That one was my fault.

- [farts]

- All right, now it's too much.

[farts]

Okay, let's wrap up the fart jokes.

Actually those stopped

being jokes two farts ago.

I've heard Jill tell her patients

that sometimes a dream

is just a dream,

but this one

has to mean something

- Hey, you're a dog! I'm a dog!

- We're dogs.

[laughs]

Dogs.

Well, that's a good point,

but I still think

there's a deeper meaning.

Wait, I know what it is!

Now that Big Cookie's

in the heaven car,

there's an open spot on the couch!

It's time to introduce

a new member to the group!

Nailed it!

[warm music]

- Run free!

- Ooh, ooh.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine. Mine.

Mine.

And mine.

[laughs]

Who could benefit

from some therapy

but also not scoot on Jill's rug?

You wanna get in on this?

[laughs]

Me?

No. [chuckles]

I'm flattered, but no.

Bingo.

Oh, wait, that's not his name.

It's Diablo.

It's not the same here

without Big Cookie, huh?

- No.

- I know you lost your best friend,

but you've still got

your vest friend.

- I'm talking about me.

- I got that, Elsa. Yeah.

I'm free now if you want

to dig into the trauma

of your sudden

and devastating loss.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm actually good, thanks.

You're not, but I'm here

when you're ready.

[whispers] Poor thing.

- Hey, Diablo.

- Oh, hey, Honey.

Are you tired of having

complicated emotions

and not knowing

how to process them?

No, but I am scared

of the toaster.

Perfect, a spot has

opened up in my group

if you're interested in joining.

- Will there be toasters there?

- One.

But I'll make it stay

in the kitchen.

[humming]

Well, well, well.

Who is that?

Just about

the most fetching tortoise

I've ever laid eyes on.

Oh, my goodness,

my heart is all aflutter.

Dare I introduce myself?

Greetings, I

Oh, wait, no, no!

I shall return!

[upbeat music]

Okay, sweeties, see you tonight.

[laughs]

Oh, my God.

This is it!

She's leaving us forever

like she does every day!

And Bubbles,

stay out of the liquor cabinet.

And they say women

aren't funny.

[munching]

I'm just not ready

for a new member.

Yes, it feel too soon

to replace Big Cookie.

- Yeah, Tabitha's right.

- Agreeing with Tabitha's

not gonna get you

into her fur, man.

I hear you, guys, but

Big Cookie was my best friend,

and you know what she'd say

about moving on.

[Australian accent] Aw, it's about time.

Good on, ya!

Why are you making her Australian?

Listen, mama, we don't

wanna open our safe space

to some random wire-haired

sweater wearing half-breed.

I haven't really been

to therapy before.

Do the sessions

always start like this?

- I would like to flag

- Here we go.

That I was triggered when

Max used the term "half-breed."

So can we please use the term

"Mosaic Canine"?

I'm triggered by the fact

that you look like a piñata

mated with a loaf of bread.

Well, you look like a

[stammers]

- Honey!

- Bubbles, can you please

keep your comments to yourself?

You're not an official

member of the group.

Oh, right,

let me just move my bowl.

Why don't we all

go around the room

and tell Diablo

a little bit about ourselves.

This is why

I dread new members.

I'm Honey, I'm passionate

about working on myself,

and peanut butter.

Uh, same re: peanut butter.

Uh, crazy.

I never talked about that.

Um, I'm Elsa, service dog.

Thank you.

Uh, I answer to she/her/hers

and [whistles]

And I'm kind of the unofficial

co-leader of the group.

- She's not!

- Nope.

Well, I'm Max. I belong to

a big, famous movie star.

These guys know

I can't reveal his identity,

the NDA and all, but let's

just say his name was Ocean,

and he had 11 friends.

And then 12.

And then 13.

And then he had 8, and they

were all chicks. Okay, I'm done.

I'm Tabitha,

Pretty Kitty Kitty Litter's

"Prettiest Kitty"

2010 to 2014.

I'm The Gray One.

I live with a nice lady

and anywhere from 40

to 60 other cats.

[all meowing]

And I know every word to

the movie, "In Her Shoes."

I'm Chico. I have a

really happy, healthy

relationship with my best

friend and owner, Kevin,

and when he leaves,

I eat uncontrollably,

but when he comes back

I'm fine,

so I'm just here for maintenance.

My name is Nibbles, and I'm

mourning the loss of my mate.

- She k*lled him and ate his face!

- It was self-defense!

Maybe. Tchotchke?

Adorable.

So, Diablo, why don't you tell

us a little bit about yourself?

I feel like you weren't

picking up what I was

laying down earlier

about my human, right?

Any guesses?

He was the best Batman.

- He owns a tequila company.

- Guys! [panting]

Sorry I'm late.

I have incredible news.

As you know,

it's been 15 years since

Uh, who's this?

- Ignore him.

- Okay.

It's been 15 years since my

sweet Darla's disappearance,

and I have often wondered

if my chance for happiness

- vanished with her.

- Uh, Shel, we have a new member,

and it's his turn to share.

I've met someone!

Yeah!

Her shell is the most

exotic shade of brownish.

But I fear it may be too soon

for me to get back out there.

Feedback?

You shouldn't feel guilty.

Darla is probably dead.

- Yeah, you should hit that.

- I agree.

Okay, Diablo,

let's hear from you now.

- Okay, um

- My human's got new kitten!

Tabitha!

We'll get to you after Diablo.

- 'Kay?

- Okay. Her name is Kit Kat.

She's getting lot, lot attention.

And you know, I get it,

she's cute,

she fit in a drinking glass.

You know what I used to fit into?

A shot glass.

[grunts]

[meows]

It hurt, but I did it.

You know why?

Because it was cute, people love it.

But now, it's like I'm invisible.

- I might as well be Chico.

- I'm sorry, what?

Wow, everybody has

so much to talk about today.

Kind of wish we could have

discussed some of this last session

when we spent an hour trying

to describe the color green.

I still say it's bumpy.

Okay, well,

we're not going back there.

What what I'd like to do is

make our new member feel welcome.

Diablo, why don't you jump in

- and tell us a little bit about your

- Yes, the coyote sightings.

Oh, is that what

I was gonna talk about?

- Yes. How's everybody coping?

- Elsa, please!

Wait, there's a coyote

in the neighborhood?

All the raccoons

are talking about it.

My cousin ran off with a coyote.

Completely blew up her life,

and now she lives with him

in the wild.

I don't even think

she knows about my vest.

Ran off into the wild?

Like an animal?

That is so [chuckles]

dangerous.

You know what?

Let's table the coyote

discussion for now

and let Diablo have the floor

for the remainder of the session.

Okay, well, um, my humans

are getting a divorce

Sorry, I've gotta flag it.

We're out of time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no.

That that's fine.

It's George Clooney!

I live with George Clooney!

God, what the hell

is wrong with you?

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

- [growls]

- Ow!

I can't believe how rude

they were to Diablo.

They weren't even open

to him at all.

Talk about not being open.

Ow.

It's time for us all to move on.

Oh, he's always liked you better.

[munching]

Thank God Jill's never

plopped some stupid goldfish

in my bowl and expected me

to live happily ever after.

You've got a lot of anger

packed into that

squishy fish body of yours.

- I can help you with that.

- Gross.

[snoring]

- [yawns]

- [grunts]

[howling]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

[gasps]

The coyote.

Wait, all I have to do

is spend the night

in this haunted,

chicken flavored mansion,

and it's all mine?

[laughs] Okay.

[upbeat music]

So you guys know

I'm totes kewl,

but it is three minutes past

the starting time, and we

Yeah, no, I know what time

it is, Elsa. I can smell.

I was hoping Diablo

was just running late

because he got pinned

under a leaf or something,

but it's clear

he's not coming today,

- and I think I know why.

- He sucks!

No, I think it has

more to do with the way

- he was treated.

- I can't stay silent any longer!

The session haven't even

started yet.

I took your advice

and made an overture

towards my potential paramour.

But it turns out, um,

I misinterpreted the situation.

I could get lost in those eyes.

I feel we both want

the same thing,

but please let me know

if I'm misreading your signals.

[moaning squeakily]

[funky music]

Falling for you

♪♪

- Huh?

- She was a shoe?

A Croc, to be specific.

I didn't realize

until after we made love.

That seems late.

You're the ones

who told me to hit that,

and I did, hard.

Well, okay, we didn't exactly

have all the information.

Dude, I like this for you.

I've been waiting 15 years

someone to look at me

the way I thought that Croc

was looking at me.

The reminds me of a story

that Leo DiCaps once told me

about a flip-flop.

- Miami Film Festival

- No, N-O!

Every session,

all I do is listen to you,

- but do I ever get a turn?

- Feels like she does.

I don't, Tabitha. Yes, I heard

your very loud stage whisper.

The way you treated

Diablo last time

- was not okay.

- Not okay!

- Elsa, not now!

- Not now!

We're supposed to be here

for each other.

We were all here for Tabitha

when Stelios dyed her hot pink,

for Elsa when her owner

left her at the Fyre Festival,

and for Max when he farted

on Dame Judi Dench. [farts]

And we should have

been here for Diablo.

He needed us.

Well, the group was

already a little dog heavy.

And we need him

to fill Big Cookie's spot.

With all due respect,

Doctor Honey,

we told you we weren't ready

for a new member.

- And you ignored us.

- I'm still processing.

- Can we get back to me?

- ALL: No!

Tchotchke's upset!

I think you were doing

what was best for you

and not what was best for us.

I expect that kind of crap

from my humans and Elsa,

- but not from you.

- Me?

- And Max.

- No, Nibbles is the worst.

All right, I did it!

I k*lled them!

- I k*lled them all!

- That's hot.

So I'm hearing that you all

don't trust my judgment

on this one,

and if I've lost everyone's trust,

then I can't help you.

You know where

the doggie door is.

Kitchen, right?

Mmm, I won't lie.

The other night was magical,

but we both know

that this will never work

[crying]

I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

You awakened a part of me

[sobbing]

But it's not fair to you

so, bye.

[dramatic music]

[barking]

[growls]

Hey, do you wanna play

"It's-my-ball-no-

it's-my-ball-no-it's-my-ball?"

Oh, I would love to,

but I am swamped.

There's a bee in this flower.

A real jerk too.

He's all, "Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz."

Thinks he's so great.

Okay, well,

just don't get stung.

[laughs] Okay, yeah, I think

I know a little something

about bees and flowers,

thank you very much.

But hit me up again

about ball later.

[barking]

- [crying]

- Can Big Cookie hear us?

[crying]

- I don't know, sweetheart.

- Why don't we just get a new dog?

We can't move on

until we say goodbye.

[somber music]

[crying]

[sighs]

- Oh, I get it now.

- There's been an escalation! [buzzing]

[all screaming]

Get the EpiPen!

[upbeat music]

Well, thank you all for coming

- to this emergency session.

- It wasn't convenient.

I want to apologize for

the way things ended last time.

You guys were right,

I pushed Diablo on you

before you were ready

because I thought

replacing Big Cookie

would be easier than saying goodbye.

Would that be considered

denial or bargaining?

I'm just trying to gauge

how many stages of grief

you have left.

I've got places to be.

Ah, thank you

for your sensitivity, Max.

This shouldn't take long.

[chuckles]

Um, losing Big Cookie

illuminated some things

in my own life that I need to

[grunting]

Express!

And I'm sad

that she's not here

for me to talk to.

- You can talk to us.

- Or just me.

I mean, why else are we here?

It's not for the snacks,

'cause I don't see any!

There will never be snacks.

Just drop it.

[yelps]

Thank you, Tchotchke.

Aw, okay.

Anyone else wanna share?

- I'm good.

- I have fully processed the situation.

"The Fault in Our Stars"

was on last night,

- so I'm all cried out.

- Really?

In mourning Big Cookie,

I've learned that life,

no matter how

excruciatingly long, is short.

So I'm not going to pass up

a chance for happiness.

- I want to make a life with Lindsay.

- Who?

The Croc.

That's what I named her.

And look, I don't care

if she is a shoe.

In fact, maybe it's a plus!

As a petroleum-based

foam resin,

not only will she never die,

she'll never biodegrade.

Yeah, so thank you, Honey, for

steering me in the right direction.

Shel, I'm not sure I was

Yeah, you're welcome.

- Oh, sorry I'm late, guys.

- Diablo!

My schedule has been

14, 15, 16 crazy!

So what's up?

- Diablo, I want to apologize.

- Diablo, I want to apologize.

- Don't do that.

- Got it.

Diablo, I want to apologize

on behalf of the group.

You didn't get to share

because we failed you.

These sessions are meant

to provide a safe place,

an oasis of calm

[loud thumping]

An oasis

[loud thumping]

An oas an o

[loud thumping]

An oasis of calm

so you can feel your feelings!

Drop the stick!

What?

You have to drop the stick

to get through the door.

Oh, okay, got it.

[heavy breathing]

[grunts]

What?

Two sticks?!

Anyway, we apologize,

and we understand

why you didn't come

to the session yesterday.

We had a session yesterday?

Oh, I totally spaced.

This new custody arrangement

is so confusing.

So we didn't hurt your feelings?

Because we really

didn't want you here.

Are you kidding?

You guys are my best friends.

- Oh, that's sad.

- Kevin is my best friend.

Diablo, welcome to the group.

[warm music]

♪♪

Goodbye, Big Cookie.

You like to get weird?

- Excuse me?

- You heard me.

Uh, no, thank you.

Dogs aren't allowed on the

beach after 5:00! Scram!

[upbeat music]

[munching]

It was a real tail-wagger

of a group today.

- Hey, are you gonna finish your food?

- And it, uh, got me thinking.

Uh, would you ever consider,

I don't know, um,

joining the group?

- So you are gonna finish, or

- Yes, I am,

and I mean, we've been

living together a long time,

and it might help us, you know,

spice things up, uh,

and, um, connect on a

Ooh, I'm gonna go see

if I can connect

with some of Jill's Lean Cuisine.

Well, you heard "connect."

That's a win.

[howling]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

Oh, well.

[gasps]

[funky music]

♪♪

Hey, you!

Get out of here!

This is my house!

My house!

[laughs]

Yeah!

Did you see that?

I scared the hell out of

[heaving]

Oh, God, I think I gotta barf.

No, I'm okay.

[laughs]

[vomiting]

Oh, I threw up.

I feel better.

[heavy breathing]

- Hey, are you okay?

- Yes, thank you.

Aw, no, come on.

Anytime, babe.

- Don't do it.

- What?

No.

What?

No, I'm just making sure

the coyote's gone.

Come on.

I'll see you in there.

[munching]

Aw, still warm.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪♪

- Jellyfish, jellyfish, ball.

- Wrong!

Ugh, why are mer-dogs

so [bleep] stupid?

You know, I can help you

with that anger.

[funky music]

♪♪

Oh, my

Oh, yeah, baby.

Aren't you

a little far from home?

- The sea is my home.

- No, it's not.

- Hey, Honey?

- Chief!

Hey, what's the bathroom

situation down here?

Because I already went.

[majestic harp music]

You know you're not

supposed to be in my dreams.

You just made it

sound so cool down here.

[laughs]

Hey, look what I can do.

[laughs]

Oh!

[scarfing]

[stomach rumbles]

Oh, uh-oh.

- Aw, Chief.

- Hey, it's your dream, baby.