01x06 - Who's Getting Cold Feet?

[bunniefuu]

Shel and I were

backyard sweethearts,

- soul mates.

- Gross. See ya.

- Sexual conquistadors.

- I'm back.

But then I got lost.

Maybe I can help you

find your way, wink, wink.

The journey back has been

long and hard.

Speaking of, do you know

what a cloaca is?

Would you like to see one?

But now, after 15 years,

I feel I'm almost home.

It's a seagull's pe

wait a minute.

It took you 15 years to get

from this yard to that yard?

Whoo!

Good thing you're hot.

And I never, ever gave up,

just like I'm sure

Shel never gave up on me.

And now, we can finally

be together!

Guess who's getting

married tomorrow? Me!

Eeeee

Oh, good.

Okay, you're done.

And we still have a few minutes

left of the session.

Sorry, I just can't believe

I'm about to marry

the shoe of my dreams,

but I confess, my excitement

for the impending nuptials

has turned me

into a bit of groom-zilla.

You call this a place setting?

Ew, tastes like garbage.

Sometimes those kind

of big emotions

are our way of burying doubts

we may have

about important life decisions.

Once again, Honey,

you've seen right through me.

- Keep talking.

- I have to confess.

I was up all night

wondering if I'm making

a big mistake with Lindsay

by having our wedding color

be forest green.

Is it too on the nose?

I was talking about

a bigger life decision.

- Anyone else want to jump in here?

- Shel, I'm sorry.

I can't come

to your bachelor party.

I have to stay home

and take care of the kittens.

Their real bummer is, Kevin's

being a total deadbeat dad

not helping to raise

these little trouble makers.

You think your human, Kevin,

is the father?

Well, I've gone over

all the possible scenarios

of how this miracle pregnancy

could have happened.

Oh, hey, dude. You want

to do that thing again?

Growl.

- Yeah, it's got to be Kevin.

- I have a request.

Honey, you've always been there

for Lindsay and me.

So would you do us the honor

of officiating our wedding?

- Oh, Shel

- I know you're not legally licensed,

but you're not legally licensed

to be a therapist either,

and we've been doing

great work here.

- Mm

- It got me where I am today.

Oh, it has?

Oh, dear.

Okay, Shel, before I can agree

to officiate,

we'll need to set

a premarital couple's session

for you and Lindsay.

Oh, we'll be having several,

and you're more than welcome to join.

- I mean couple's counseling.

- Oh. Well, the offer still stands.

I won't lie to you, Honey.

We find it a little silly to

have to jump through this hoop.

I obviously haven't been

this happy in, what, 15 years?

- Since about the time Darla left?

- Yes, but that's history,

and what could be healthier

than moving on?

Hmm, fair enough.

Lindsay, how are you feeling

about your relationship

right now?

She didn't come here

to be interrogated!

Besides, I know what's

in her heart and I know

I'm going to be the happiest

tortoise in the universe

when I see her

walking down the aisle.

Hold on. You expect her

to walk down the aisle.

Of course.

Okay, Honey.

This is your chance.

He'll thank you in the future.

And so on

this happy occasion,

in front of my family

and secret family,

I want to thank the wise

yet humble dog

who helped me accept reality

all those years ago

when a certain shoe bride

failed to walk down the aisle,

my therapist and commander, Honey.

Thank you, Shel.

I just wanted you

to have real love

with somebody

who loved you back.

But we have an incursion

in the Delta Quadrant.

Prepare to engage.

Move out!

This is for all the pets

who died

before we could live forever!

Shel, Lindsay,

I would love to facilitate

the merging of your bio force

- I mean, to officiate your wedding.

- Huzzah!

And, of course, tradition holds

that you'll also throw

her bachelorette party.

- I don't think that's

- Wonderful. I'll just leave her here.

"Hello, welcome to the wedding

of Shel and Lindsay,

or as I like to call her,

the Can't Runaway Bride."

Pause for laughs.

Oh, wait, I shouldn't start out

with a joke that strong.

I'll save it for when Shel's

ready to laugh about this.

"What is love?

Is love a verb? Is it a noun?"

Yeah, you're

you're losing 'em, Honey.

- You want some help?

- Really?

I'd like that, yeah.

What would you say about love?

Love love is a feeling.

It's like

- You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I think I do,

- but how would you phrase that?

- It's like

Does that make sense?

I mean, I get it,

but I'm just not sure

everyone else at the wedding

is going to understand.

I mean, there's going to be

birds there, so

yeah, I'll figure it out.

You go have fun.

Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah.

Tonight's bachelor party

is gonna be like

You know?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean,

the bachelorette party

is going to be

Bow chicka wow wow bop ♪

Okay, well, now you're

just talking gibberish.

Okay, everyone ready?

- Tonight is gonna be full of surprises.

- I knew you were my guy.

Well, I'll tell you what's

really full of surprises:

the trash cans outside

of Nicky Cage's house.

Got you again, Jeffrey!

Oh, "Moonstruck" feels like

a lifetime ago.

Multiple trash cans.

Must be nice.

Okay, fellas, you ready

for some chills and thrills?

Good news, fellas.

Kevin gave away all my kittens,

so now I'm free to hang out.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it was a lot of work.

Bachelor party!

Whee!

Now, you're probably wondering

why we met in the woods.

Because you have

a sinister plan

- and don't want any witnesses?

- What? What?

No!

We came out here to

fast boom-booms, Tchotchke.

Lick toad.

Gentlemen, this is Cane.

Cane, these are the boys.

Now, licking Cane will set us

all up for a wild night.

Ah, I love licking things.

I'm equal part terrified

and scared.

All right, settle down.

First timers, listen close.

Everyone gets one lick.

You will see and feel things

that may or may not be real.

Now, let's get started.

I have a gender reveal

for a couple of lizards

in about an hour.

All right, party boy, you're up.

I'm a little nervous.

This is my first non-sexual licking.

I don't feel any

Blast off!

Blast off!

Enjoy your trip.

Thank you. Next?

Whoa.

Well, that's interesting.

Oh, I see.

It's dopamine.

- Whoa, so trippy.

- You didn't lick me.

I don't trust that raccoon.

He's always got

his weird little fingers

in everybody's pies.

Oh! Am I made

of moonlight and whispers?

Ooh, you taste familiar.

Were you in Ibiza in 2016?

Hey, slow down, buddy.

- I get paid by the lick.

- Oh, about that.

- Okay, I'll send an invoice!

- You know what?

Let's just put

our schemes, scams,

and animal trafficking side

hustles on hold for the night.

I knew it!

Everybody heard that, right?

Quiet, pretty baby.

Mwah.

Because this is beautiful.

This old freak is marrying

the love of his life tomorrow.

Must be nice.

Ah!

Oh, Lindsay.

Thank you for coming to

Lindsay's bachelorette party!

We're just a rowdy g*ng

of fun-loving

female identifying animals

and Diablo.

Thanks for letting me join, guys.

I just didn't want to wander

into the forest at night.

Fake party for shoe with dog

in sweater in tool shed.

I've reached my bottom.

Yeah, I know it's unorthodox,

but I promised Shel.

Besides, we don't get

a lot of chances to whoop it up

outside of group, okay?

So let's just get through it,

and when Shel asks

if we had fun,

we can say yes and mean it.

Whoo!

What would be fun is, we disappear

the shoe once and for all.

Enough with horny tortoise

and his delusions.

Yeah, let's just throw her

in the trash

and get jacked up on this fertilizer.

No! This is not how you

throw a bachelorette party,

- but I know someone who can help.

- Wait, what?

Howdy, y'all.

I'm Cowgal Elsa,

and this ain't my first rodeo.

- I sense a new low is coming.

- Do you hear that knocking?

I think there's someone

at the door.

Ooh, I wonder who it is.

Hey, that's one of Jill's

groove restoration boots.

No, it's a handsome dr*fter's

cowboy boot.

He just rolled into town,

and I think he's got his eye

on you, Lindsay.

- Okay, maybe it's time to call it.

- No! No.

This this shindig's

just getting started.

Bachelorette parties are

about games designed to

put you on the spot and

succumb to peer pressure.

So, Honey, truth or dare?

- Uh, dare.

- Kiss the boot.

No, I don't want to end up

on the Internet.

- Anyone else want to try?

- I'm allergic to suede.

- Somebody kiss the freaking boot!

- Do I have to do everything?

Fine, I'll kiss the boot.

Kiss the boot!

Kiss the boot!

I just can't believe

I'm doing this.

Hi, I'm Elsa.

Are you ready?

Oh, my God, you guys,

that is so unlike me.

But it felt so right.

Don't get any ideas.

I licked him first.

Okay, Honey still owes us a dare.

I dare you to throw Lindsay

in the outside trash can.

- Yeah!

- What?

Rules are rules.

Let's throw Lindsay away for good.

Gentlemen, it's Shel's

last night as a bachelor.

So let's make it one to remember

and give it up for Amberconda!

- Ah! A cucumber?

- Relax, it's just a snake.

Oh, my God!

It's a snake!

- You must be the lucky guy.

- Hello, there. I'm Shel.

- Sheldon for long.

- Hey, there, Shelly. I'm Amber.

I'm gonna take

good care of you.

You are?

What are you doing?

- Just relax.

- What are we watching?

She appears to be

in the process of molting.

Dude, are you smart now?

I guess that's why I'm

finding the objectification

of this lady of the garden

somewhat problematic.

Are you having a good time?

I mostly see heat,

not facial expressions.

I'm completely gobsmacked.

Thank you, and I enjoy

the way you move

and that you can move

and talk and breathe.

My fiancée does

none of those things.

Oh, she sounds great.

Congratulations.

Push her in!

Push her in!

Well, this is not

what I meant when I said

- I wanted us to have fun.

- Wait!

Well, at least we have

to make sure she's dead,

or she could come back

and haunt us forever.

- I say we eat her face.

- Oh, no. I can't look.

Maybe we just bury her now

and deal with her ghost later.

How about that?

Listen, if we remove

the object of Shel's affection,

then he could just transfer

that love to something else.

- Who cares?

- Push her in.

Okay, push her in.

- She's trash!

- Haha.

Yay.

Who knew fun could be

this uncomfortable?

Oh, look how clear the Big

Poop Scooper is tonight.

Humans used to use the stars

to guide their ships

across the oceans.

Now they use them to make

ill-advised decisions

about their careers

and relationships.

I want to see the stars too.

Somebody flip me.

Wow. Gents, am I fooling

myself with Lindsay?

Licking that toad

and canoodling with that snake

has shined a light

on some things

that perhaps I've not been

allowing myself to see.

Maybe Lindsay is really

just a shoe.

- Well, what if she is?

- Then she's not real.

- What's real?

- Consequences, man.

Oh, exactly.

No, no, actually, what is real?

- Mama?

- Oh, hey, you guys.

I hope you all found your Kevins.

Bye.

Huh, closure.

You know what is real?

Your love for Lindsay.

I've never seen you so happy.

I just don't know

if it makes sense anymore.

- It never made sense.

- Bigger!

It never made sense!

Honey and I don't make sense,

but sense has

nothing to do with love.

I mean, what holds

this universe together?

Probably the same thing

that holds two hearts together.

It's magical.

It's unique for everybody.

Yeah, and besides,

you can always get out of it.

- She's a shoe.

- Gentlemen, I must take my leave

to articulate my newfound

comprehension of love to Honey.

She's going to dig smart me.

I bid you all adieu-doo.

Adieu.

Uh-oh, it's fading.

Thank you, my friends.

You've given me

a lot to think about.

Oh, my God.

I am covered in fur.

You're all so vulnerable

and honest and real.

I want to be real.

I want to take off this mask

and show you guys

who I really am.

Hey, hey, hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man.

Why do they make everything

so hard to open?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Stop it.

I can't be here.

Love is magic, and like magic,

it's better left ah!

Love is love is

Oh, no!

I thought that was kind of funny.

Pull it together, man!

You were briefly better than this!

I hate throwing parties.

No one ever helps you clean up.

- Ow. Ow!

- Oh, my God! Lindsay?

I knew it was you.

Honey, I got it!

Love is um gah!

Love is magic?

No, wait, it had something

to do with the universe

and all the stuff

that makes one big thing.

Uh-huh.

And, and, and

and what is real for some

nope, nope, that's not it, no.

Sorry, I lost it.

I should have

licked that toad again.

- You licked a toad?

- His name was Cane.

He was so nice.

I don't feel good.

Love is

This is such a great night.

I am so glad I didn't

sell you guys to that bear,

which is 100%

what I was gonna do.

Never trust me. You hear me?

Never trust me.

Do you guys want

to go to Tijuana?

- Someone's coming.

- Let's get out of here.

So we're just ignoring

the bear thing?

Good evening, Tammy.

Oh, you got bangs.

Oh, that's fun.

How did Lindsay get here?

I told you the only way

to make sure

that something is fully

dead is to eat the face!

She's unkillable.

In the old country,

we have name

for creatures like her:

- Barbara.

- Is she prettier than me?

Don't answer that.

Let's just get through this

wedding and we'll talk tonight.

Well, this is it.

Shel's big day.

And we'll be here for him,

ready to pick up the pieces

of his shattered heart.

I love weddings.

- Prepare to engage.

- Thanks, Tchotch.

Raccoon, you're alive!

Oh, thank goodness!

Wouldn't miss this for the world.

- Are you feeling okay?

- Yeah, sure, but apparently

I had a 0.02% blood toad level.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, Shel.

You sure you want

to go through with this?

Now that I'm sober, it seems

like a whacked out idea.

Classic Raccoon.

I can't wait for your speech.

Thank you for doing this.

- It's the only way.

- Ominous. Save it for the ceremony.

Welcome, everyone.

Thank you for joining us today

to celebrate Shel and Lindsay.

Come to me, my love.

Come on, Lindsay.

I'm right here.

- What do we do?

- Just vamp.

Maybe you should walk to her,

I don't know.

- Honey, she's not moving.

- Shel, I'm so sorry.

I know this is going

to be hard, but over time

oh, wait, here she comes.

Wait, what?!

She's walking!

Are you seeing this?

I knew she could do it!

Uh-huh.

What's happening?

- Barbara!

- It's so beautiful!

Wow, this is magical.

I'm gonna stray

from my prepared remarks.

Whichever's shorter!

You know, no matter how smart

we think we are,

we may never understand love.

I once heard it has something

to do with the universe

and all the stuff

that makes one big thing.

- We can all see

- Shel?

Darla?

Lindsay! Honey?

- Don't rope me into this.

- Darla.

What's going on here?

Well, he was about

to marry a shoe.

I I'm overwhelmed

with emotion.

And here come the tears.

I don't know what to do here.

What do I do?

What do I do?

You know what?

You should all probably go.

This is going to take a while.

- Congratulations.

- Bye. Thank you.

Eh, this isn't the worst

wedding I've been to.

Anyone remember Renee Zels

and Kenny Chess?

- Exactly.

- Technically, we played the gig,

so what about those worms?

- Got my animals?

- I got something better.

This is Cane.

He's gonna show you a wild night.

All right, settle down.

First timers, listen close.

Everyone gets one lick

What did you do?

What's the big deal?

I just blast off!

Oof!

Oof, thank you, man.

Crazy bear.