01x07 - Who's Going to the Vet?

[bunniefuu]

Chief, what are you doing

on Jill's bed?

- We have to be invited.

- That's never been clear.

Yeah.

Jill loves a loose boundary.

Besides, I peed on this bed

a year ago,

so it's technically mine.

- What's in your mouth?

- Hmm?

- Chief-y, what you got there?

- [groans]

- Oh, no! You ate Jeremy?

- You mean Jill's closed-door,

under-the-covers

buzzing machine?

You can say vibrator.

It keeps her happy

and independent.

I know! Exactly!

Like, I wanted some of that!

Ah, it's broken.

And there's a new

"Property Brothers" on tonight!

Oh, those dudes are so different.

Oh, yeah, one sells property,

and the other fixes it up.

- You can tell from their clothes.

- Yeah, I can tell them apart

completely nude standing

in front of a brick wall.

But, I mean, that's

neither here nor there.

Ah, I should probably

hide the evidence.

Oh, no, Chief,

I don't think you should

Ahh. Huh?

[vibrator buzzes]

Okay, I get it.

Whoa.

[chuckles]

[upbeat rock music]

[all barking musically]

♪

[all barking or meowing musically]

[music crescendos]

Look, I hear you.

You don't like being chased.

But I also have needs

in this relationship.

There is no relationship.

I hate you.

- Well, screw you!

- Screw you, too!

Honey! I need you!

Okay, we'll pick this up later.

This isn't a game.

I despise you!

Are you okay?

Is Bubbles harassing you again?

He parades around here

wearing nothing but a collar,

and I'm the one

with HR on my a*s?

The real problem is

that Jill's bedroom

and sometimes bathroom

robot is not sitting well.

Oh, no.

Okay, well, I think Jill

needs to take you to the vet.

Honey, it will pass naturally.

All I need is a patch of grass,

ray of sunshine, gentle breeze.

Aw, Chief, I'm sorry, but

Jill!

Oh, no, no, not Jill!

Not the vet!

Hey, you brought me in here,

what did you want me to do?

I wanted you to give me

a tummy nuzzle

or a cuddle puddle

or a muzzle cubluble

or a tubby rubby belly boop!

Guess what. I brought you

some special treats.

They're right there mm-hmm

in my backpack.

Go on. Have some.

The last cat that fell

for that

was never heard from again.

You think I don't know a

catnapping sack when I see it?

- I don't need your help.

- Go ahead, pretty kitty.

Yeah.

[screams]

Oh, look at you

scared, anxious,

trapped in a cycle of compulsive

eating and scary vet visits.

Don't forget the occasional

dental floss

- that has to be pulled from my rectum.

- I would never.

What if I told you it

doesn't have to be this way?

- Go on

- I think you'd get a lot out of group.

Oh, God! I can't believe

I fell for that!

Sometimes it helps

to talk things out.

Wouldn't it be nice to

go a month without having

- your stomach pumped?

- Eh, six of one.

Well, I hate it when you're gone.

Jill always turns it

into a girls' night.

- Ooh, what's your name? [laughs]

- Oh, my God.

Besides, if you joined group it

would bring us closer together.

You know what keeps me happy

and independent?

- What?

- Helping group members blossom!

Aah! Again?

I trusted you!

[groans]

Chief ate my vibrator!

[laughs]

I'm a little embarrassed.

- [guffaws]

- Oh, don't be silly.

Let me just take a quick

Polaroid of you new policy.

[camera shutter clicks]

Well, Chief's at the vet again.

- What happened to him?

- Same as usual.

Chief ate something

he shouldn't have.

This time

it was Jill's vibrator.

Sounds like Jill

is really leaning in.

By the way,

his prognosis is excellent.

Oh, say that at the start

of the story.

Oh, please, that wasn't a story.

No, you'll know

when I tell a story.

Like, did I ever tell you

about the time

- I found that old doll

- ALL: Yes!

- And I thought it was

- ALL: A real baby.

But it wasn't.

Well, that's a story.

- You certainly think so?

- Besides, if Chief wasn't fine,

I wouldn't wait to tell you, okay?

- I'm not sociopath.

- BOTH: I'm not a sociopath.

- I'm certainly not a sociopath.

- I'm not a whatever you guys said.

- I am not a sociopath!

- Anything you'd like to add, Nibbles?

- [laughs] Nope.

- Well, that was a lot of talk

about a dog who's not even

a member of the group.

I'll get us back on track.

I've decided I'm in love

with Darla.

Oh, what kind of shoe is Darla?

She's not a shoe,

but I look past that.

She's my "tortoise

mi amor-toise" Latin

and she's warming up to the

idea of getting back together.

Oh, that's wonderful, Shel!

Don't flood your basement just yet.

Lindsay's made it clear

she's not willing

to let me go without a fight.

- Well, she's a shoe.

- Exactly.

She was designed

to hold on for dear life.

She's clearly obsessed,

and I'm worried

that Lindsay might hurt Darla,

or worse, hurt me.

Uh-huh.

Tabitha, usually you would

have pulled focus by now.

Is everything okay?

Uh, I'm getting love all day

long from the man

men in my life, and it is good.

Let's get back to important issue

of how your owner

will fully enjoy "Property

Brothers" without her vibrator.

Co-sign.

Hey, Tabs, you know, you

might get more out of group

if you started

telling the truth?

I mean, how can you

expect them to help

when they still think you're

living with Brett and Stelios?

- I need nothing from group.

- Fine.

But you might get more out

of our friendship

if you started telling me the truth.

You want the truth?

I cannot go back to cat café.

- A lunatic has made me his muse.

- So stay with me.

The lunatic at my place

will mostly ignore you.

Just until I can think

of something less depressing.

Fantastic!

[siren wailing]

Ah! We're losing him!

It's time for

chest compressions.

- I'm going in!

- Come on! Boop. Boop!

[gasps] Buzzed driving

is drunk driving.

So what are you in for?

I'm here for no reason, like, at all.

I ate a couple of mittens.

Do you know what mittens are?

Oh, I love mittens!

Do I know what mittens are?

- I had a heart attack.

- Oh, no!

And you're just letting

us go on about mittens?

- It was my 17th.

- I don't even know why I'm here.

Oh, well,

it kind of looks like

you got your head

stuck in a cone.

All I know is

I really, really, really

want to get at my ba*ls

but I can't reach.

Who wants to tell him?

Hey, what'd you do to get

thrown in here, big guy?

I ate my human's, um, well

I ate her this

[vibrator buzzes]

Dude.

- Chief?

- Oh! Hey!

- It's, um name?

- Chico.

Chico! I know this cat!

What brings you here, friend?

- Urinary bladder rocks.

- Ooh, how did you eat those?

I'd k*ll to be here

for urinary bladder rocks.

Yeah, it's due

to excess weight gain,

which is due to too much food,

which is due to my owner

and best friend, Kevin,

traveling a lot.

Too much. It's too much.

Aw, Chico!

No, no, no, no, shh.

Sounds like

you need to share.

- This is a safe space.

- Oh, boy!

Gah! Ugh, here we go!

You're sure it's okay

if I stay with you?

Oh, yeah, but remember

you've got to be nicer

than you've ever been before.

I mean it, Tabs,

these cats are vicious.

When I first moved in here,

I had the standard number

of eyes, ears, and testicles.

And let me tell you

I do not anymore.

[dramatic music]

[cats meowing]

♪

Does a stranger

sense danger ♪

In the house of a hoarder? ♪

Then jellimon juniper,

an introduction's in order ♪

I'm Percival Sir Paw ♪

But you can call me

The Clean One ♪

And I'm Chazzery Lymph,

The Missing A Spleen One ♪

I'm Grumplerump,

known as The Warm Wet One ♪

We're Conjoinity Jones,

we're The Duet One! ♪

[all panting]

I don't get it.

Dangerous cats sing song to me?

Oh, our musical

cat-stravaganzas

are the only thing that keep us

from k*lling each other.

So, if you want to survive

here, you have to join the fun.

I am not a joiner,

and it does not look like fun.

[laughs] Well, joke's on you,

because this is the most fun!

- Hey.

- Ah!

- I didn't mean to scare you.

- Why would I be scared?

I'm just alone in my yard

with a dangerous coyote.

- You think I'm dangerous?

- Did I say dangerous?

No, no, I meant sexy.

No, I meant dangerous.

- No, I meant

- Honey!

Sorry. My human's calling.

You know how it is. [chuckles]

Oh, no, of course you don't,

because you're wild

and dangerous.

Nope. Got to go.

Oh, Darla,

the moonlight illuminates

all of your

wonderfully earned wrinkles.

And I'm like, "Damn, girl."

Oh, Shel,

you're making progress.

Oh my God.

I thought you told her

it was over.

- I did!

- Maybe I should talk to her.

No, Darla, it's not safe.

There's no telling what that

"horngry" beast will do.

[gasps]

She's coming closer.

Run, Darla! Run!

- [hisses]

- Keep walking.

When you least expect it

Oh, look

at the great gentleman

protecting his wonderful damsel.

- Shh. You'll wake her up.

- Oh, now the hero is shushing me.

If she fell in line, you wouldn't

have to protect Her Fluffiness.

Yeah, musical theater's

just not her thing.

I just hope she's worth it,

'cause she doesn't seem

to give a rat's a*s about you.

Yeah, well, your badonkadonk

ain't all that.

That was 18, guys!

I guess I'm this big because

I want Kevin to see me.

- Mm-hmm.

- That one hit home.

Must lick

Can you see them

from where you are?

Honest to God,

I don't even see them.

I hear that, cat.

I blow minds all over town.

But now that I'm getting fixed,

I'm scared

I won't know who I am.

- Who am I if I'm not blowing minds?

- Wait. Do I know you?

- I must have blown your mind.

- No, I don't think that's it.

You ever had kittens?

Yeah, but I'm not sure

what that has to do with it.

What an odd question.

Okay, I'm gonna tell

you guys something,

and you can't tell Honey.

We don't know who that is.

Go on.

I knew that Jill's Mr. Roboto

was gonna make me feel blechy

in my tummy,

- but I did it anyway.

- Maybe this is the rock bottom

we needed to take

a long look at ourselves.

- This feels like group.

- Wait, this is what group is like?

Huh, I always thought

it was a contest

to see who could be

the most boring.

[chuckles]

Usually the turtle wins.

Hey, Shel's going through a

lot of boring stuff right now.

So, this is what Honey

is always nagging me to do.

Wow. She's right!

It does feel good to share.

Huh. What an emotional release.

Whoa.

Wait a minute. What the?

- Jeremy?

- Water.

Hey! I passed the baton!

Well, here I am, completely

alone in my yard again,

totally vulnerable.

- Shut up!

- Go to hell!

[gasps]

Where are you taking me?

- What?

- Ah, Chief's home.

Okay, I've got to go,

but I'm sure I'll be out here

vulnerable and alone later.

Okay. Just saying.

Chief! Welcome home!

- [chuckles] So how'd it go?

- Ah, wonderful.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

A rabbit had a bunch

of heart attacks.

Chico peed out some rocks,

and one dog was there

because he was born

with ba*ls between his legs!

Gross.

Anyway, we all bonded.

It's like I've always said

emotional connection, you know?

- That's where it's at.

- At the vet?

Yeah. It was pretty amazing.

I've come to a decision.

I'm ready to do group.

Oh, wow. This is so great.

You're gonna love it.

I mean, Diablo is super annoying,

but you can just tune him out.

No, I'm starting my own group,

with my friends from the vet.

It's gonna be awesome.

Good night.

Oh, no, did the gallant

swain oversleep?

- What are you even saying?

- You missed rehearsal.

- What? Why didn't you wake me?

- One, two. three

ALL: Neglect is our dad,

infection's our mother ♪

When we're not singing,

we're k*lling each other ♪

[screeches]

ALL: There's always

a place for you ♪

The Gray One,

you're out of the show!

But I'm Monocules Monroe!

The gentleman cat

from Microwave Mountain!

You know we have

a zero-tolerance policy

regarding missed rehearsals.

Who do I talk to about

sleeping accommodations?

Aah! This is all your fault!

Everyone hates you!

And now they hate me!

But you obviously don't care

because you

- I'll k*ll you!

- Aah!

ALL:

He's out of the show ♪

- He's out of the show ♪

- He's out of the show ♪

I have no faith in this show.

Well, you may

or may not have noticed

that Chief is having

his own group outside.

[chuckles]

Right? Yeah.

I sat out there a while

before I realized

- I was in the wrong place.

- Uh, fascinating.

Lindsay's menacing yet erotic

behavior has escalated.

But I refuse to let

her rob me of the life

scute-slamming happiness

I could have with Darla.

I mean,

it's totally within his right.

I have no problem with it.

It detoxifies my masculinity

to admit it,

but I can't handle

the Lindsay sitch on my own.

I need help making it,

uh, go away,

- if you know what I mean.

- Not here.

- Where?

- After group. I know someone.

It's just that

I've been asking him

for years to join our group

That must be really

frustrating, you know,

that he refuses

to join something

that would obviously

help you both

and keep you from getting

k*lled in your sleep!

Wonder what they're

talking about.

You got to help me!

- Screw you!

- You screw you!

Chief! Stop!

What's going on?

- Squirrel break!

- Ah!

[barks, gasps]

Ah! Get him off me!

Get him off me!

Aah! Aah!

Stay still! Try to

Everyone self-protect!

Aah! He's in my fur!

Get him off me!

[screaming]

[laughter]

I did this.

Ah! He's everywhere!

I'm covered in squirrel!

Max! Oh, thank God.

I thought you were Lindsay.

I mean

just keep walking.

I know someone who can send

Lindsay back to Zappos,

if you know what I mean.

Really? Are you sure?

- She has not been gently used.

- Trust me.

- Okay. Who's the fixer?

- Me.

Well, this is an unexpected

turn of events.

- You sure you can handle it?

- [laughs] Can I handle it?

You ever hear about the time

two of those "Stranger Things"

kids k*lled that hiker?

God, no.

How about when a certain

handsome quarterback

- burned down a Jamba Juice?

- No.

Or when a certain perky

morning-show host

kept the Biebs in her

basement for three days?

- Not that either.

- Exactly.

My hooves have been in

everything you can imagine,

so, yeah, I can handle

your little shoe problem.

Well, all right.

You should know,

I don't condone violence,

but I am aroused by it,

so do your worst.

I'm regretting this already.

I don't understand

why you're so mad,

- I thought you wanted me in a group.

- Not a group, my group,

which, on a side note,

you completely ruined today.

I was wondering.

It seemed a little chaotic.

Why does it matter

whose group I'm in?

Because I know

what you need to fix.

I can help you

be less impulsive,

a better listener,

sneeze more quietly

My group has a word for how

you're acting right now,

and it rhymes with fudge-mental.

I can help you

with your vocabulary.

And this fudgy attitude

is exactly why I didn't want

to be in your group.

I get enough criticism

from you as it is.

Well, it's constructive criticism!

I could help you understand

the difference!

[groaning]

What? No!

[all growling creepily]

[shouting]

[eerie music]

♪

[gasps]

[grunts]

The Gray One! Help me!

- [groans]

- [screaming]

All you had to do

was join the fun.

Turn, touch, step.

Oh, no.

But, Gray One,

we are friends, no?

You're on your own!

[gasps]

I will agree

to star in your show

if you let The Gray One back in

and stop trying to k*ll him.

We already have our leading lady.

I got a DIY face-lift

for this.

That's okay. I just want

to be one of the g*ng.

I will be chorus cat.

You're a kitten again.

You can't just get together,

chase squirrels, and call it group.

- Nice stream.

- Oh! Thanks.

Uh, yeah, no, I try to, uh, drink

at least two bowls a day so, um

Yeah, but you don't care

about that.

- You're just here to ravage me.

- Actually, I was wondering

the pets that meet at your house

- Are not food.

- They come to talk, right?

And sometimes I give advice.

But, um, they will tear you

limb from limb,

so don't even try kidnapping me

and taking me

to your mysterious lair.

Actually, I just have a question.

Is there such a thing

as objective morality?

Oh, sorry, is that not the

kind of thing you talk about?

You don't have a lair, do you?

- [coyote howls in the distance]

- [groans]

Now I'm the one

being called away.

[chuckles]

Oh, and by the way,

that squirrel won't be

bothering you anymore.

- Why not?

- I k*lled him. Good night.

Screw you, little friend.

Screw you.

All right, you may want

to turn away

while I put Lindsay down

for her dirt nap.

Do you think it's safe for me

to say a few words to her?

Whatever, man.

Lindsay, I'm coming closer.

Don't try anything.

Lindsay, when we met,

I was a shell of a tortoise,

but the time we spent together

filled me and my shell

with feelings and liquids

that I didn't know were possible.

- In fact, how about one more

- Okay, that's enough!

Now, I'll tell you

what I told Meryl

after her one-night stand

with a certain

frosted-tipped celebrity chef.

Get out of here and forget

this ever happened!

I'm sorry for being

so judgmental.

That was the word.

Continue with your apology.

And it's stupid for me

to think I can dictate

who anyone else is.

You don't need to change.

I need to stop projecting

on other canines.

Not felines, though,

they need my help.

- So I don't need to be in a group?

- Not unless you want to.

Oh, thank God,

'cause even with my guys,

it was so boring.

I mean, it was one thing

when I was trapped

in a cage at the vet,

but to sit there by choice

when all my instincts

are telling me

to run around and kick a*s,

it was hard and not fun.

[chuckles]

I mean, not in the slightest.

It was brutal.

- You know what I mean, right?

- No, I do, I do, but

Besides, I'm cured.

One and done for me, babe!

The only fun thing about group

was meeting that awesome squirrel.

Well, okay, but

Besides, I mean, we're good,

you and me, you know?

Yeah, I mean, maybe we're not

perfect, but we're good.

- Ahh

- Now to sleep

and dream about what high jinks

I'll get into with my new BSF.

[chuckles]

That's best squirrel friend.

Darla, now that we are rid

of that deranged parasite,

we can really focus

on us and my needs.

Are you ever gonna tell me

how you handled the situation?

I'll spare you the details.

But if you're down to role-play it,

I could be persuaded.

Lindsay?

[eerie music]

[chuckles] I should have

known there was no way

to contain her thrust lust forever.

I hope you like

psychosexual thrillers, Darla,

'cause we're in

for a triple feature.

As a matter of fact, I do.

[both moaning]

Darla. Oh, Darla.

♪

So you've just screwed up

your perfect life ♪

ALL:

You're in deep crap! ♪

Deep crap's a warm, soft

place to land ♪

ALL: Trust us,

way softer than pus

You better learn

to like it fast ♪

Live each day

like it's your last ♪

ALL: 'Cause your life

expectancy's not grand! ♪

You're damned,

avoid any long-term plans ♪

I'll k*ll you ♪

ALL: You were the best,

now you're just the rest ♪

And I smell like a dead,

rotten skunk ♪

Uh, I'm Tabitha, but you

can call me The Stuck Up One ♪

ALL: There's always a place for U ♪

In junk ♪

I feel lucky to be alive.

Oh, my goodness.

[all screeching]