01x08 - Who Are You?

[bunniefuu]

So, my mom, my dad,

and my Randy are

gonna end joint custody

and let a meaty gator

decide who gets me!

Hm.

[munching]

Do you mean mediator?

- And if so, they tend to be human.

- Oh, that's a relief.

If Clooney ever kicks Amal

to the curb,

I know who I'd get to live with.

I mean, Georgie boy literally

built a Max statue in his backyard

and commissioned Dave Matthews

to write a song about me.

[singing gibberish]

At least I think it was about me.

If you're done bragging,

I have a share. [chuckles]

Turns out Ella B wanted

to take me home from school

so Sophie R didn't get me.

- [chuckling] Classic Ella B.

- You know Ella B?

She's the youngest human

in my household.

Nibbles has joined

the Bronson menagerie

and we are cohabitating.

- Shel?

- Nibbles?

You never told us you

live with other animals.

Look, I come here to talk about me.

Oh, there are other animals!

I'm stuck in the basement

between a snake

and a mouse that won't shut up!

Let's set some ground rules

right up top. No secrets.

I'm gonna share everything

that comes into my head.

You share everything

that comes into yours.

I know what you're thinking. You're

gonna get a lot of cheese talk.

But guess what?

I'm also a student of history.

Did you know during the

crusades, they would age cheese

- in the skulls of heretics?

- Ah, cheese.

My uncle once dated

a wheel of parmesan.

Of course,

after their wedding night,

she looked more like Swiss.

[chuckles]

[upbeat rock music]

[musical barking]

#

[musical oinking]

[musical meowing]

#

[animals vocalizing together]

#

Breakfast!

M-larf, m-larf, m-larf, m-larf.

[chuckles uncomfortably]

Chief, is it, um, is it possible, um

cool if it's not um, for you

to eat without m-larf-ing?

Are you looking for

a more traditional num-num?

Num, num, num, num, num,

num, num, num, num

You know what? I'm gonna save

my breakfast for lunch.

Num, num, num, num,

num, num, num, num, num.

[soft dramatic music]

#

[sighs]

Looking for moi?

[dreamy electric guitar music]

Oh, hi. No, I was just

no, I was looking for my, um,

this, um, pinecone!

[chuckles]

[mouth full] Found it!

[chuckles]

Come on. I watch you every

day scanning the trees

Ants!

Ah.

- So you, uh, watch me every day?

- Not in a creepy way.

More of a sniff-where-you-

just-peed kinda way.

Aw

[sneezes] Stupid ants.

My pack is moving to Altadena.

I want you to come with.

What?

We barely know each other.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[chuckles]

Let me give you

my butt backstory.

[energetic '80s music]

#

[howling]

Dude!

[shouting in fright]

#

Merry Christmas, kid.

Whoa

That is wild.

You deserve more than this

humdrum suburban existence.

Oh, it's not all humdrum.

Take a whiff.

[pleasant waltz]

#

[laughing]

#

[horn honking]

#

So, you know, I can get crazy, too.

Although I've only poked

a bear metaphorically.

Run away with me, Honey.

Let me show you

what's behind those trees.

I mean, it's mostly more trees.

- But behind those

- Okay.

I mean, okay, no.

I can't run away with you.

I becau you're kidding!

And I took you seriously.

[laughs]

But wait, are you serious?

- I am serious, Honey.

- How do you know my name?

Honey!

Honey!

I got into it

with the trashcan again.

Altadena.

[dreamy electric guitar music]

Num, num, num.

[scarfing loudly]

[cats meowing]

Ugh!

Look at the story my body tell.

I was replaced by a new kitten,

ran away, was traumatized

at a cat café, and now I

am here with greasy coat.

Which reminds me, Gray One,

I never thank you for taking me in.

- Oh, that was "the thank you."

- I'll k*ll you!

What the hell,

Hates The Gray One One?

[grunts]

[light orchestral music]

Now we are even.

[gasps] Look.

- Is that

- Max?

[soft upbeat music]

Well, Nibbles, you're certainly

looking more rested today.

Because I finally got

a decent night's sleep!

When I got back home yesterday,

Lenny wasn't inside his cage.

He was inside the snake!

Poor b*stard kept talking

about food,

never realizing he was food.

[cackling]

- What?

- Oh, no, nothing.

You're just a monster.

But that's why we're here.

Honey, do your stuff.

Is it possible you're

using humor to deflect?

Oh yeah, that

that is what I'm doing.

I really loved Lenny

and I wish he wasn't dead.

[chuckles]

Okay. I feel like I

should be reporting this

but I don't know to whom.

So Diablo,

how did your mediation go?

Terrible.

The mediator decided

I should choose which parent

to live with,

so he's gonna put me

in between the two of them

- and see who I go to.

- Ugh. Alligators.

I mean, there's no rules

at my dad's house.

It's a non-stop party.

And even though my mom's

got tons of rules,

I find her boundaries and

routine strangely reassuring.

Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough.

And yet, I still think the

choice is pretty obvious.

On the one paw, sure,

you've got a fun,

care-free existence where

you can

take off your collar,

dance naked in the moonlight

and give in

to your carnal desires

exploring the feral passion, raw

Uh, I'm uncomfortable and would

like to get to the other paw.

On the other paw,

you have structure, stability,

and the knowledge that happiness

comes from within, not Altadena.

Sorry we're late.

But check out what we found

at our house.

Wait a minute. "Our" house?

What's going

Tabitha's living

with The Gray One?

Ooh! Fun.

I'd watch that show!

[chuckles] Oh, this is rich!

First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter

and now this?

- Are you done?

- I haven't seen a tumble

this bad since JLaw ate it when

I tripped her at the Oscars.

[hisses]

- Easy, Tabs.

- Remember the no claws clause.

Hey, nice spread. Me and

Georgie are lookin' snazzy.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

It says you died.

What? Get outta here.

I live in a third grade

classroom most of the year.

R.I.P. stands

for "Really Is Dead."

- The P is silent.

- What?! No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm obviously alive.

I'm sitting here talking to you guys.

Right? Right?

Either that or you're a ghost.

- [paw slaps]

- Ow!

- Not a ghost.

- Maybe we are victims of long con.

He might be an imposter.

- An impigster, if you will.

- Oh, I definitely will!

An imposter?

Please.

I live in George Clooney's mansion.

And, sure, George spends most

of his time in England lately,

but we've had lots

of great times together.

We've had chicken fights

with Tobey Mags!

We drank out of the Stanley Cup.

We even went to a celebrity

roast of my Uncle Charlie!

This must be some sort of prank.

- Prove it.

- Well, prank or not,

this really seems like it's bringing up

some emotions for you.

Whoever you are.

And coming up on the right,

you'll see an autographed

poster for "Ocean's Twelve."

C.Z. Jones is my godmother.

And here we have the Hall of Fame.

Hmm. Something

in this picture is not right.

What are you talking about?

Wait, what's that?

Right there on his leg?

Is that a [gasps]

that's a birthmark!

- You don't have that.

- It's the same with all of them.

Look. Birthmark.

Birthmark. Birthmark!

But but I remember being

all these places.

Do you remember any parties

besides these?

Of course!

I mean,

I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's

- vag*na's birthday party!

- Buddy.

[horror movie music]

I I dont I don't

#

[groaning frightfully]

Holy hell.

[groans]

I want to be alone!

Please!

Maybe we should follow him?

Come, I want to scratch my

back on People Choice Award.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Is my whole life a lie?

This can't be happening!

Wait a second.

This isn't a statue.

This is a tombstone.

R.I.P.

I really is dead.

Who am I?!

Do you hear that wailing?

I think that's Max.

- He doesn't sound sure.

- Tabs, come on.

I know he's not your favorite pig,

but we should probably

go check on him.

Or, you could join me in the

[water splashes]

Huh.

What does this button do?

- It is nice, right?

- Whoa.

So relaxing.

- What?

- What?

[soft upbeat music]

[dogs barking]

It's all about leverage.

You got this, Peanut!

- Oh, hey, Honey.

- Diablo? Is that you?

- In the fur.

- Doesn't your mom send you

to obedience school

in the afternoon?

Not anymore because

I. Chose. My. Dad.

And he no longer

has to compromise on my look.

- What?

- That's right.

And I am having the time of my life!

Yep, I barked at a tree all night,

I humped a loaf of bread,

and I can eat candy

whenever I want.

No momma to check my poo-poo!

- Twix?

- No, thank you.

I can't eat chocolate.

And neither should you. [chuckles]

No dog should.

- And, Honey, I owe it all to you.

- What? No. No, no.

I said you should choose stability.

Wow, then we totally got

our signals crossed.

[pleasant music]

Well, I'm gonna take

this mushy tushy

and see what we can score

at the ice cream truck.

[grunts]

Nice and quiet.

Time for a nap.

- Hello?

- Lenny?

Impossible. Lenny's dead.

I know you think I'm dead

because Sprinkles ate me.

But I can assure you,

due to the snake's agonizingly

slow digestive process,

I am very much alive.

Okay. Well then, um,

if you could keep it down.

What? Are you kidding me?

You gotta get me outta here!

Whether Lenny lives or dies

is entirely up to you.

- God?

- [clears throat] Excuse me.

No. It's just your ol' pal, Shel

[munching]

Chomping on a discarded

ice cream cone

reminding you that

you talked a big game

about wanting to save Lenny

in group this morning.

And now you have the chance

to bring him back!

Character is what you do

when nobody is watching.

- You're watching!

- [chuckles] Touché.

It's also what you do

when somebody is watching.

And you're not gonna shut up

unless I try, huh?

Nope. And, as I'm sure you've

heard around the garden,

I've got stamina.

Everything smells like vomit

in here,

which is making me want

to vomit.

[retches]

Now I'm vomiting.

Inside a snake.

It's a hellscape.

Ugh.

- [soft downbeat music]

- I can't believe it.

I'm Max, but I'm not "the Max."

- So you finally figured it out.

- Who are you?

Doug Ross.

Doctor Doug Ross.

How did you get in here?

Well, my human jumped the fence

and I was along for the ride.

She's Clooney's biggest stalker.

She's in the mansion right now.

I didn't know George had cats.

Am I slipping?

Oh! You're with Marybeth.

She's a nice lady.

Aw, chins up, kid, it's not that bad.

You were a gift.

When the original Max passed away,

Clooney was heartbroken,

so Don Cheadle gave you

to Clooney as a replacement.

So all my memories

aren't really mine?

But my sky-high self-esteem

came from me

believing I was better

than everyone else.

You know,

because I was a celebrity.

[sobbing] And now,

I'm just a stand-in.

Oh hey,

if it's any consolation,

Marybeth is plotting to kidnap you.

[soft upbeat music]

And then Diablo

just m-larf-ed a snow cone

right out of a toddler's hand

and all his human dad said was,

"That's mah boy."

Oh-h*. Legend.

No, no, no, Chief.

Not legend.

Reckless and irresponsible.

- Was his tail wagging?

- Oh, like Jill's hips

when she listens

to up-tempo Indigo Girls.

Well, that means he's happy!

- There ain't nothing wrong with that.

- Um, no, no, no, no.

Tail-wagging is actually way

more nuanced than that.

For example, if a tail wags to

the left, it indicates concern.

If it wags to the right,

it indicates curiosity.

Either way, Diablo's eventually

going to have to pay the piper.

So?

People pay pipers all the time.

I mean, how else

do pipers stay in business?

Look, I think I know

what's really goin' on here.

You're jealous of Diablo.

- You want what he's got.

- [sighs] Oh, no.

[chuckles] No, I don't have

the face for sunglasses.

No, I mean, quit being so tame.

Live in the moment.

Eat a Q-tip once in a while,

nap on a table,

steal Jill's Invisalign.

But if that's what you're into,

you are gonna have to wait.

[sparking chimes]

[chuckles]

[snoring]

[pensive folk guitar music]

#

There he is.

How you doin', big guy?

Honestly, this

is the worst day of my life.

#

Party's over, Dave.

Go home.

- Aw.

- Poor pig.

He is down.

Now I can destroy him.

- What?

- What? He is joker.

Now it's Tabitha's turn

to make the mean ha-ha.

You know, Tabitha?

Under all that beautiful fur,

you're a real ugly cat.

#

Uh, excuse me,

have you seen a naked woman

- with a "Syriana" tote bag?

- In the kitchen. Licking all the fruit.

[soft upbeat music]

[downbeat notes]

I hope you're happy.

You left the house without me

this morning

and your lady chose me

as "cat of the day."

What do you say ♪

who's cat of the day? ♪

It's you! ♪

When I was kitten,

I wanted to be a scientist.

Couldn't happen to a nicer cat.

Well, it looks like everyone is here.

Well, except Diablo,

who's probably enjoying

a chocolate-covered chicken

bone in a motorcycle sidecar.

You know who else is

enjoying himself? Lenny!

- Lenny is still alive?

- I saved him.

Only after I Jiminy Cricketed her.

See, I learned

from my third grade class

that reptiles can only digest

stuff in a warm environment.

If it's cold, they'll throw up,

so I needed to make it freezing.

To get to the thermostat, I

jumped onto an old trampoline.

Did you just miss the

trampoline? [laughs]

Then I decided

to break the thermostat

by throwing a golf ball at it.

[grunts]

[yelps]

Sounds like a golf ball

just hit you in the face.

[chuckles]

Classic.

[straining]

[screaming]

- [laughter]

- I love slapstick.

- Is that Shel? Hey, Shel!

- Hey, Lenny!

[dramatic music]

And I eventually made things cold.

[retching]

Sprinkles puked and out flew Lenny.

Stuck the landing!

[vomits]

It's all true.

Young lady, you should be

very proud of yourself.

- Thanks a lot, Shel.

- Well, let's not fall completely

in love with ourselves.

- Ew, ew! What is that?

- It's Lenny!

Oh, yeah.

He follows me everywhere now

because he's half-digested

and needs someone

to help him blink.

[sighs]

That's the stuff.

- Ugh.

- All right, I'll bring it up

since everyone else

is obviously afraid to.

Turns out I'm not the one

and only Max.

I'm his replacement.

- What?

- There are two Maxes?

Ah, you're a replacement

pet just like Bubbles.

- What?

- Yep. So if anyone wants to make

jokes, the floor is open.

Tabs, I know you must

be chompin' at the bit.

- Um

- Really? Nothing?

Ah, let me help get you started:

Anyone order some imitation bacon?

- Or how about

- Okay!

At least you still got

your owner's attention.

Trust me, Max, it's way

better to be replacement pet

- than one who is replaced.

- Yeah!

And think about how much you

must've cost Don Cheadle,

traveling the world

trying to find a dead ringer

for the original Max.

I mean, you're probably the

most expensive pig in history.

Thanks, guys. I'm feelin'

better than you again already.

I don't think we should

measure our worth in money.

Spoken like a true rescue.

Whoo!

Sorry I'm late!

I was at the vet's.

I had to get my stomach pumped.

A-ha!

I was right!

I was right!

[chuckles]

- Which brings me no joy.

- But still, totally worth it!

I'd eat that tube of Preppy H

all over again.

What? So you've learned

nothing from this?

Oh, I learned something.

I learned that rules are

made by humans who just want

to keep their vet bills

low and their carpets clean!

But guess what?

We're animals, y'all!

If it feels good, do it.

If it feels bad, do it again.

Dance party!

Elsa, break it down!

- Why am I panting?

- Max, enjoy the view.

[dance music]

Feels good to be half-alive!

Dance me, Nibbles!

Huh.

#

# Yeah #

[snoring]

I don't know.

Are bell-bottoms really me?

[distant howling]

Okay, Honey.

Let's go wild.

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat '80s music]

#

[exhales deeply]

[music slowing down]

- You ready?

- No. No, I'm not.

Ah. I thought I was,

but I'm not an animal.

I mean, I'm an

I am an animal,

but I'm also a pet.

Obedience and belly rubs

are in my DNA.

I don't understand.

My voice is so deep and seductive.

I mean, I can make

anything sound sexy.

- Grandparent's Day.

- Ooh.

No, no. Running off with you

sounds dangerous and fun,

but my life is here, Armando.

Oh, yeah, I didn't know your

name, so I named you Armando.

- I like it.

- Oh, good. [chuckles]

Um, but my life is here,

Armando,

with the person and animals I love.

- Armando.

- Okay. [chuckles]

- But you're lying to yourself.

- [chuckles] Says Armando.

When you were talking about

running away with me,

your tail was wagging.

In fact, it's wagging right now.

Ooh!

Ugh!

Okay, well, you know,

tail-wagging's actually

way more nuanced than that.

I know all about tail-wagging.

If a tail wags to the left,

it indicates concern.

If it wags to the right

- Curiosity.

- Curiosity.

And a tail wagging that fast?

That's downright ecstat

Stop it!

Just leave me alone!

Armando.

[sighs]

All right, you were not

very helpful back there.

Ah, don't get cute with me.

That's it, you're going down!

[grunting]

You can do it, Honey!

Vary your speed!

Thank you for teaching me

to be compassionate to fat pig.

[purring]

What do you say ♪

Who's cat of the day ♪

[cats yowling]

What do you say,

who's cat of the day? ♪

Oh, thank God.

That was so close.

[gasps]

[horror movie music]

It's you!

- [carpet rips]

- [screaming]

[muffled screaming]

[gasps]

Guys!

There's so much popcorn

down there! Come on!

[upbeat music]