02x13 - Who's God?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

I can't believe in this climate

we're still

calling you guys ladybugs.

- "Guys"? Really?

- Educate me!

Not that it's your responsibility.

[sniffing]

Where is it? Where is it?

- [grunts]

- Honey, I can't find

- my Squeaky Pizza toy anywhere.

- Jill threw Squeaky Pizza

into the construction dumpster

next door

because Squeaky Pizza sounds

like a dying rat's last fart.

That's why I loved him.

I'm coming for you,

Squeaky Pizza!

[heroic music]

[grunts]

[sniffing]

♪

There!

[toy squeaks]

Aw!

Let's celebrate this reunion

with a traditional feast

of whatever the hell this is.

[chomping]

[retching]

Oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God.

What am I gonna do with you?

Um, is anyone gonna eat that, or

[upbeat rock music]

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪

A shock collar?

Is that really necessary?

Normally I'd never advocate

using pain to train an animal,

but he is literally

eating himself to death.

Oh, he would love that.

♪

- Blue Shirt! [barking]

- Honey

I don't know why,

but I hate you so much.

I want to tear your throat out

and taste your blood!

Die!

[barking]

Whoo, what a rush!

I love our dynamic.

This is for your own good, Chief-y.

Aw, Jill, you shouldn't have

because you know

I'm not a jewelry guy.

Why don't I get a new collar?

I just saved her life

from that box-wielding maniac.

Meanwhile, she enables

your bad behavior?

Ooh, speaking of

[electricity sizzles]

Oh! What the zap?

This new gecko at school knows

I'm sensitive about my size,

but he just keeps poking me!

- How's it going, Pocket-sized?

- Ugh.

- There's my Shrinky-dink.

- Ugh.

All kidding aside,

you're too small to love.

Aah!

I'm surprised

you haven't just k*lled him.

I would, but I'm on strike

three with Sheriff Cowboy.

He's the lizard the

school animals elected sheriff.

It's times like this

I really regret

being an antisocial loner.

- I know how you feel, Nibbles.

- You do?

It's like with me and Kit Kat.

Segue accomplished.

Now my thing.

My human, Stelios,

gave Kit Kat a TikTok account.

[dance music]

It takes up all of Stelios' time

making videos, uploading videos,

reuploading videos

after videos are removed

for copyright infringement.

I get no attention.

Losing the spotlight

sounds painful, Tabs,

but I wouldn't know because

I'm back in the acting game.

You are? [gasps]

Are we on TV right now?

I landed a role

in a major motion picture.

Well, actually,

it was David Spade's audition.

He has finally reached the age

when comedians pivot

to being grizzled action stars.

When I opened this bakery,

I said I was done

being the world's

greatest assassin/lover.

- But then you kidnapped my family!

- Yes!

This is the fresh take we need.

A pig getting revenge.

I mean, it's totally wrong

for the story,

but it will be huge overseas.

Aw, poor David.

I mean, women are used

to having their jobs stolen by pigs,

but not men.

- Hold for applause

- I thought he'd be upset,

but like Dave always says,

when life gives you lemons,

you make lemon-Spade.

Sandoo, it's Spade.

Hey, can't join you in Bali

for "Grown-Ups Three."

I'm dedicating my time

to managing

my piggy's acting career.

And the honest truth?

I never felt more alive!

We'll all make sure

to see your movie

as soon as we learn

how to do that.

I'll check every puddle I pass

in case it's playing there.

Hey, Tabitha, thanks for

having my back in there.

- You were in there?

- You know, I can help you with Kit Kat.

You? Now that is something

I would like to see.

Oh, you would?

[sinister music]

Uh, Honey?

Something strange is going on

with my body.

Look.

[electricity sizzles]

[groans]

Am I turning into lightning?

Is this

what dance fever feels like?

Answering those questions

will take rigorous testing.

You were right

to come to a scientist.

- You're not a scientist.

- Psychology is a science.

- A soft science.

- You want my help or not?

- [groans]

- Hmm.

Poop, poop!

Poop in shoe!

[groans]

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[groaning]

So the zappies happen when

- you're not being a good dog.

- Uh-huh.

And they started

when Jill said,

"Oh, my God.

What do I do with you?"

What's an "ohmygod"?

Well, Jill says God is

a female creator spirit

that also celebrates Christmas,

but most people think

God's a judgy old man

who created everyone

just so He can tell them

what's right and wrong.

- Oh, like Steve Harvey.

- Sure, but scientifically,

- there's no evidence that He exists.

- No, he does.

- I saw him on "Family Feud" yesterday.

- No, I mean evidence

of some supreme being

that watches over us.

What about the big sky-dog

who eats the moon

piece by piece every month

then throws it up again?

He must be God.

And he's sending me the zappies.

- No, no, that's not what I mean.

- Now all my half-thoughts

and misunderstandings

are making sense.

There's an all-powerful

moon-eating dog god

that's speaking directly to me

about what's right and wrong

through the zappies.

[chuckles]

I mean, can I get a woof woof?

[yawns]

Ride that horse,

President Putin.

[screeches]

- Kit Kat's gone!

- What?

I am here for you,

Daddy Stelios.

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

Nibbles.

This is a disaster.

I will not rest until

Oh, yeah. Behind the ears.

Oh. [purrs]

[upbeat music]

- [yawns] Chief? You're up early.

- I couldn't sleep.

All these dog years, I thought

I was put on this planet

to eat one of everything,

but now I know I'm meant

for something bigger.

- To eat two of everything?

- No! To be God's hype man.

I have to share this

with the world.

Chief, maybe

you should think about this.

Honey, if God had wanted a thinker,

He wouldn't have chosen me.

[bird chirping]

Creatures great and small,

God chose a messenger,

and you're looking at him!

- Then show us a sign.

- Okay, watch God smite me

for following

my God-given natural instincts.

Behold.

[groans]

- BOTH: Ooh.

- It's a miracle.

I want to thank everyone

for resisting Chief's delusion

that God is talking to him

through zappies.

That's what's happening?

Oh, this I have to see.

Wait a minute,

Chief talks to the big dog

who noshes on the moon?

- I have got major FOMO.

- Don't worry, Diablo.

While I admire his brutality,

there is no God.

Okay, who'd like to start?

- Chico? Chico?

- [distantly] Hallelujah!

I don't believe in God,

but I do believe in opportunity.

- Well, this is fun. Just us gals.

- What?

- Tabitha, spill the tea, girl.

- Yeah, Tabs. "Spill the tea, girl."

- I have no tea.

- I know I'm late.

Spade booked me on James

Corden's c*ck's podcast.

Anyway, my movie

starts sh**ting in two days,

so I've gotta get down

to the true craft

of film acting

collecting my entourage!

- Diabs, you're in!

- Really?

[chuckles] Of course.

Every entourage

needs a dorky guy

who gives advice

the star won't take.

You too, The Gray One.

I need a weird dude

who makes me look hotter.

Now, let's go get Shel,

because for some reason,

every entourage needs a turtle.

Diablo, you know you're drawn

to unhealthy power dynamics.

Oh, yeah,

but that's not what this is.

- The door won't open itself!

- On it!

- Oh, I can open doors.

- Okay, group doesn't work

when everyone has nothing

to say or can't talk.

No offense, Tchotch

Tchotchke's out there?

Now, I know

what you're thinking.

"If Chief is a dog of God,

"then surely he's never done wrong.

"I mean, old Chief

never ripped the toupee

"off an old man's head

because he thought

it was a furry pork chop."

Well, I did that and more.

I had a hole in my soul

that all the garbage

in the world couldn't fill

until God reached down

and filled me full of zappies.

This is so much more soulful

than synagogue.

Who here believes?

- I believe!

- Oh, hallelujah!

- Huzzah! Whoo-hoo!

- That's amazing.

- Wow! Yeah!

- Ooh!

[grunts]

Chief, this is going too far.

There has to be

a more rational explanation

for what's happening to you

than God.

Oh, my lost soul, you think

you should have been chosen.

Praise Chief!

Burn the heretic!

Please, Elsa,

you're smarter than this.

True, but I had

a real come-to-Chief moment

when I saw more animals

listening to him than you.

♪

[grunts]

What did you do to Kit Kat,

- you horrible little rat ball?

- She bothered you, so I got rid of her.

And now you're gonna get rid

of the gecko who bothered me.

- Why would I do that?

- Because best friends m*rder

for each other, right? I mean,

if we weren't best friends,

I'd have no choice

but to frame you

by leaving Kit Kat's bloody paw

wrapped in your blankie.

[gasps]

Not blankie!

And the tenth

and final command is

thou shalt leave it!

Leave it

What does God look like?

Well, I mean, obviously,

God is a huge dog.

- Oh, so close. I thought cat.

- And His house, Heaven,

overfloweth with a river

of food and toys

that come right to you,

and enormous hands

that give belly rubs

and never get tired.

- I have questions [grunts]

- Wow, heaven sounds great.

And if anyone wants

to get in there,

they'll need to make

a sizeable donation

toys, kibble, anxiety meds.

[rock music]

♪

[moans]

Everyone's staring at us.

They know star power

when they see it.

Thanks, Terry.

Keep the water bowls coming.

I still say we should have gone

to that pond

with the cold-blooded hotties.

You gotta talk to Shel

about talking back.

Uh, sure, but maybe

you should rehearse a little.

What? No!

Never suggest I do work again.

Now, earn your spot, D.

Get me some acorns.

- No top part. You know how I do.

- One for me as well.

["Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing]

You let Nibbles m*rder me, Tabitha.

- I didn't know.

- And now you're gonna m*rder for her!

[gasps]

[panting]

It's only a matter of time

before she murders you.

[screams]

Kit Kat, give me a break.

♪

Could Chief really be right

about this?

He was right

about Jill's ovarian cyst.

Are you there, God?

It's me, Honey.

If you needed a messenger,

why choose Chief?

I'm smarter, better behaved.

I always resist the temptation

to k*ll Blue Shirt.

- Stupid b*tch.

- Thirsty's not a good look on you.

This is a private conversation

between me and someone

I think is imaginary.

[gasps]

Blue Shirt!

Chief!

Your collar didn't come from God.

It came from Blue Shirt.

She's the one

who gave this box to Jill.

Obviously you're just a pawn

in her sick plot

to drive me mad.

Oh, whoa, it's been her

since the very beginning.

It's the only explanation

that makes sense.

It's Squeaky Pizzagate.

- Blue Shirt is the delivery devil!

- Really? Hmm

let me pray on it.

[groans]

God says no.

Clearly Blue Shirt is a delivery

angel driveth-ing from heaven.

- And rationalized.

- [chuckles] Am I the only one who hasn't

lost touch with reality?

Do the research!

- Chief, I need your help.

- What in God's name is happening?

Exactly. Join me in the

box of really bad secrets.

Welcome, Tabitha.

This is a sacred, private space.

Oh, just pretend I'm not here.

I accidentally entered a

how you say

- m*rder pact with Nibbles.

- Whoa, you're a real sicko.

Nibbles k*lled Kit Kat.

Now she wants me

to k*ll this gecko for her.

And if I don't, she will

ruin my luxurious life.

Normally, I would never come to

you because you are idiot dog,

but everyone is saying you are

messenger of supreme being

Tabitha, I once had a friend

who hurt me

if I didn't do what He said.

So I did what He said, and

then I went from zero to hero.

So, yeah, you just need to k*ll

that gecko, like, yesterday.

Time's up.

Father Chief's on a schedule.

Souls ain't gonna

save themselves.

So now your believers

prove their faith in you

- by taking a bath.

- Do you commit yourself to Dog God

and the teachings

of His Prophet, me?

Look, I'm at rock bottom.

I need to get right.

[electricity sizzles]

I felt it, Mildred!

I felt the zappies!

Hope you're watching, G-Dog,

because I am crushing it.

Hello, cans.

You're smelling lovely.

No, no.

Aw.

Oh, God, why doth thou test me

with furry English muffins

and black yogurt?

This is real jerk move, Jerk Face!

[sobs]

That's it. I'm going for it.

[trash bin clatters]

Oh, mmm-mmm.

This is worth the zappies.

Wait, where are the zappies?

God?

He abandoned me!

I've been Holy Ghosted!

Well, well, what is the deep

delivery state up to now?

I won't let you do to me

what you did to Princess Diana,

you Blue Devil!

Honey, the zappies are gone

and God's abandoned me.

And without His guidance,

I'm back to being a dumb dog

who's responsible

for my own actions,

and that is not going

to end well!

[doorbell rings]

[barking]

[gasps] The delivery angel.

I can ride her van back to heaven

and apologize to God in person.

Hell with it,

I'll just de-throat-ify her.

[barking]

She's friendly.

She's friendly.

[chuckles weakly]

[growling]

- What are you doing, Sister Elsa?

- Where you go, I follow.

And if you should die,

I promise to take on the burden

of leading your church and

renaming it after me, St. Elsa.

[barking]

And that's for putting fluoride

in the dog food!

Honey, oh, my God.

Do I need to put a shock collar

on you too?

And they started when Jill said,

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What do I do with you?"

This is for your own good, Chief-y.

[electricity sizzling]

Jill makes the zappies.

[slow-clapping]

Took you long enough,

Cumberbitch.

[ominous music]

♪

May Chief forgive me

for what I am about to do.

[claws snick]

[growls]

- No, stop! It's me!

- Nibbles?

Hi, friend.

It's the role I was born to play,

a badass Liam Neeson-type.

Liam Neeson wishes his a*s

was as bad as yours, Max.

Your a*s is the worst!

Max, we were supposed

to be on set an hour ago.

I got the day wrong,

but if anyone asks,

it was my assistant's fault.

Now move it!

Get that ham in gear!

- Come on, Larrabee. Let's go!

- Wait, what? I'm not Larrabee!

Huh, I guess I live here now.

So what are you gonna

do first when we get to heaven?

Steak bath?

Drag your butt on a cloud?

To be honest, Elsa, I'm not so

sure there really is a heaven.

Maybe I made the whole thing up

to explain everything

I didn't understand.

I recommend

you don't repeat that

if we want to keep

our tax-exempt status.

I don't know where we're going,

- but it's definitely not

- Heaven!

[choral music]

♪

It's just like

you said it would be,

food and toys

coming right to us.

- And look!

- The belly-rubbing hands.

Heaven is real.

God was talking to me.

[scanner beeps]

Acceptable.

Acceptable? Yes!

[machinery whirring]

Huh?

[scanner beeps]

[buzzer blares]

Code not found.

Disposing trash.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, sure I had

a brief dark night of the soul,

but, no,

I'm back on Team God.

Uh-uh-uh, you doubted.

Now I'm the chosen one.

Suck it, heathen.

But Heaven Hand, I believe again!

I'm even ready to be zappied.

[grunting]

Aah!

[splat]

[horn blows]

You were gonna

k*ll the gecko for me?

You really are my friend.

Now I'm glad

I didn't actually k*ll Kit Kat.

What?

What did you do with Kit Kat?

I just lured her

into the steam oven

your humans barely ever

use, knowing she wouldn't

be found until tonight

when Stelios bakes his

- baklava for book club.

- Kit Kat!

See, I knew it wasn't a waste

to buy the steam oven.

But how did you know

about the steam oven

and the book club

and the baklava?

Because I listen

to every word you say in group.

Maybe there's more to you than

crazy hamster in m*rder skin.

- There she is, Sheriff! Get her!

- Gotcha.

That's the maniac

who stole my skin!

- You didn't k*ll the lizard either?

- No, this just seemed like

the simplest way

to get close to you.

Whoa, freak show, party of one.

No, it's a freak show,

party of two.

Now leave

my psychotic friend alone,

you loose-skinned eye-licker!

Thanks. Ha!

Let's blow this pellet stand.

Someday

I'm gonna marry that hamster.

Seriously, God?

You kicked me out of heaven

and went back

to testing me with garbage?

You can't break me.

[splat]

Recalled hot dog beef?

Aw!

No!

I won't give in to temptation,

and not because of the zappies.

Because I can be good

on my own.

[toy squeaks]

Huh?

That's not a sound

my butt usually makes.

[gasps]

Squeaky Pizza!

Hallelujah!

Ha, I have been rewarded!

So you're a pig, and your

family's been kidnapped.

- And action.

- [shakily] Line?

- Oink?

- Hold on. Wait, say that again.

- Oink?

- The pig's out.

The dog that says "oink" is in.

- Wait, what?

- I can't say I didn't see it coming.

- Honey!

- Chief! I figured everything out.

Me too! I get it now.

God doesn't need me

to be a big shot

telling other animals what to do.

He just needs me to try to be

the best Chief I can be.

Enough, Chief,

I have to tell you something.

Yeah,

really make him feel stupid

for believing in something

bigger than himself.

I'm happy you figured it out.

Also, He's not real

and it was Jill.

- What was that?

- I'm glad you found meaning.

Oh, I found more than meaning.

[toy squeaks]

Squeaky Pizza.

Turns out God

was just God's way

of bringing us back together.

And now,

to celebrate our reunion.

[chomping]

I left Mildred and my nut inheritance

to dedicate my life to you.

Oh, sorry.

I-I'm not doing that anymore.

Well, maybe I can help you.

I'm a therapist.

Uh, I'm just gonna

bite a power line.

♪

[chomps]

[eerie music]

It's the perfect crime.

♪

[expl*si*n]

We take what he loves most,

and there's nothing

he can do about it,

because he's just a pig.

[grunting]

♪

[growling]

♪

Like you always said,

when you're too small to go

over the edge, go under it.

Oink.