02x15 - Who Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

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- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

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- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

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[music crescendos]

♪

[soft music]

Aw, look at those happy couples.

Lovebirds, love-lizards,

love-dragonflies.

- I love you, Frank.

- I love you more, Jerry.

Aw, face it, Lonely D.

Love's not gonna just fall out

of the sky.

Love! Oh, it's just an acorn.

Whoo, ha!

Heads up, sad weasel, oh!

Whoa, whoo, ha, yee-hoo!

- Parkour!

- Ow, ow!

- Could you please be more careful?

- Oh-h*-h*-h*-h*!

Is my acorn parkour

too extreme for you?

- Spadoink!

- Ow!

It is getting harder for me

to give you

- the benefit of the doubt!

- Oh, look at this cry-puppy!

[laughs]

No wonder you're

the only animal here

who's not banging spadoink.

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

[roars]

[screaming]

[gasps] Oh, no.

I gave into my primal instinct,

and I k*lled

this douchey squirrel.

And that's when my tapeworm

said he wanted

to see other colons.

Aww, Gray One,

any parasite would be lucky

- to join your gut flora.

- Are you about to m*rder me?

Yeah, Nibbles,

that was awfully nice of you.

- What's going on?

- I'm in love!

Mrs. Levy put a new hamster

in my cage named Peppercorn,

and he's my everything!

Oh, go ahead, smooshy bear,

you drink.

Nah, nah, you drink, cuddlewubs.

[soft music]

So when are you gonna

k*ll him and eat his face?

Should we pencil that in

for tomorrow?

Oh, that won't happen

this time. He's the one.

Plus, I'm 18 months old.

If I don't settle down now,

then when?

Nibbles, to avoid making

the same murderous mistakes,

maybe we should talk

about why you k*lled

- your last mate, Butterscotch.

- Eh, what's to talk about?

One thing led to another,

and I ended him.

Diablo, what's up with you?

What's up?

Oh, I don't know, not much.

[chuckles]

You know, I k*lled a squirrel.

- [all gasps] Oh, God!

- Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Don't worry, Honey.

I'll lick it all up.

Sure, we've all chased squirrels,

gone right up to the edge

of bestial bloodlust,

but we don't actually do it.

I mean,

if you could overpower it,

then it had to be,

what, elderly, or

[gasps] A baby?

No, no, he was

a super fit grown-up.

Well, welcome to the k*ller club, D

which I am not a member of

anymore!

Anyway, I wanted to apologize

to my victim,

who's now in the afterlife,

so I, um I saw a psychic.

[all gasp]

What is this weird feeling?

Is this what it's like

to find Diablo interesting?

Anyway, the psychic calls

herself "the Boaracle."

Ooh, a psychic boar.

Not super grounded, but okay.

And she lives in a creepy cave

at the spooky end of the woods,

where the old men hide

their p*rn*graphy.

And now I shall channel

the spirit you seek.

[dramatic music]

Oh-h*-h*, hey!

Thanks a lot for k*lling me,

boombots!

Well, you were kind of asking

for it, mister!

But I still want to make amends.

Oh, let me think about that.

You know what?

Dig up acorns for my family,

and maybe I won't

haunt your a*s. Capisce?

But first, would you like to

know how you're going to die?

It's in a hot air balloon.

But spoiler, not how you'd expect.

Well, I don't know what

we're doing here

when we can just go

to a psychic boar

- and solve all our problems.

- Exactly.

Wait, you're being sarcastic, right?

- No, I'm being sincere.

- What?

There's no such thing as ghosts,

and this psychic is a crock.

I thought she was a boar,

but either way, I'm in.

No, no, no,

she's a two-faced scam artist

who preys on feeble-minded

animals with phony

promises that sound good

but turn out to be useless,

like vitamins

or the Paris Climate Accords.

Yeah, I went there.

I won't let her get away

with this, Diablo.

I must light a candle of

noble truth. It is my duty.

[all laugh]

Yes, I know. I said "duty."

[all laugh]

Duty.

Hey, Nostra-dumbass!

I'm here to stop you from

- spreading your ghost-aganda.

- Yes, it's your duty.

- [giggles] Now I get it.

- So you're an unbeliever.

You won't be the first animal

I've convince-ificated.

[gasps] And you're not even a boar.

You're a beaver.

Yeah, but this cave used

to belong to a boar.

She got hit by lightning,

and yes, she saw it coming.

I inherited the business,

but I kept the name

because there's a dire absence

of psychic beaver puns

that aren't filthy.

- But my powers are very real!

- Oh, yeah? Then prove it.

Show me my dead best friend,

Big Cookie,

who, if ghosts were real,

would be haunting me hard.

Boom, spirit challenge.

You're on, like the ghost of

Donkey Kong, who's also a client.

Ah!

A soul wishes to speak to you.

I am Chancellor

von Braucken-Schweitzen-

Gautssen-Hopffberg,

Chief's great-great-grandfather.

Ahh!

What's in this mystic dust?

Did you dose me?

That's ill*gal.

Help, Paw Patrol!

The dust is merely sage

to add glamour

to a dank cave

that smells of beaver.

Oh, wait,

are you seeing the spirit?

I mean,

I'm hallucinating Chancellor

von Braucken-

Schweitzen-Gautssen-

- Hassenpfeffer Incorporated.

- Hm, close enough.

You must have the gift

of psychic power.

Have you ever considered

a career

- sitting in caves, acting spooky?

- Listen to me, Honey.

I have an important message

for Chief

from the great beyond.

Tell him I say, hi!

Clearly, this is fake,

you fake faker.

You can't even summon the dog

I wanted.

We do not dictate

who answers our entreaties.

We must submit to the unknown

without seeking to control it,

like weather or whatever Netflix

thinks you should watch next.

- Now, here comes another one!

- Agh!

Butterscotch?

Nibbles' last victim-ate?

That's a portmanteau I created

combining victim and mate.

Huh, surprised you recognize

me without my face on.

You're the only

faceless hamster I know.

You're about to know another

one if you don't warn Peppercorn

about Nibbles

being a face-etarian.

One second, I'm calling dibs

on the running wheel,

and the next,

she's chowing on my cheeks.

No, I can change her,

Butterscotch, with time-tested

- therapeutic methods.

- Um, hi, I was first.

- Yeah, I got your message, hello.

- It's not hello. It's hi.

- Less formal, we're family.

- Got it, hi.

These were ridiculous exchanges.

Wow, [chuckles]

digging up acorns is so easy.

Why are squirrels

always so panicked about it?

- Oh!

- Ow!

Sorry for falling out of the sky.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm Maria.

Maria ♪

I just met a squirrel

named Maria ♪

I'm Diablo.

So are we stockpiling acorns

for one or dot, dot, dot?

Oh, I have a mate.

Maybe you've met him.

Handsome, great at parkour,

kind of a jerk.

[siren wailing]

[screaming]

No, I-I-I-I haven't met him.

I don't know what he tasted like.

- [laughing] You're so random!

- I totally am.

- Pillowcase!

- [laughs]

So tell me.

Do you like acorns, Maria?

I do, Diablo.

I do very, very much.

We spent hours together.

She loves my laugh.

[cackling]

And I love that she's a window

into a culture

I never knew before.

Am I glowing?

I feel like I'm glowing.

- New love high five!

- Bad dog and hamster!

You're both just

papering over your guilt

with new relationships.

- I'm disappointed.

- As am I. You didn't seal the deal?

Sex or get off the pot, Diablo.

Nibbles, let's keep

that love train chugging

past Face Eat Junction.

Get your trauma tool kit

because we're about to raise

a barn of healing.

Ugh, the metaphors

are out of control today.

I don't want you to k*ll

Peppercorn for calling dibs

- on the running wheel.

- You're right.

I do k*ll

for the smallest of reasons.

I even want to k*ll you

for seeing right through me.

How'd you do that?

Honey, you reached her.

We did it!

And there was absolutely

nothing supernatural about it.

The only ESP I need is

Extra-Special thera-P.

Say what you want

about her metaphors,

but her acronym game is tight.

♪

It was the kind of breakthrough

they make movies about.

I'm seeing Charlize Theron

as Honey.

And for Nibbles,

is Rhea Perlman active?

- What are you doing?

- Eating!

I get the food,

but the gravity does the work.

Anyway, it really made up

for the crazy morning I had.

So this sham psychic

boar-beaver somehow

hypnotized me into

seeing a Saint Bernard

who said he was

your great-great-grandpa.

[gasps]

Did he have a message for me?

- He said hi.

- That's him!

That's Pop-Pop's pop-pop!

Oh, I have so many questions.

- Honey, if you see him again

- I'm not gonna see him again.

He's not real.

I was high on beaver kush.

But if you do, please, Honey,

I have to know

- what's up?

- I'm not gonna ask some

- hallucination what is up.

- No, "What's up?"

It's less formal.

We're family.

He said hi.

[chuckles]

- Ghosts aren't real! [gasps]

- Boo!

I'm the ghost of Shel's uncle.

I'm dead, and I have a message

for him.

Did someone slip some sage

in my organic sustainably

foraged cold-press kibble?

- 'Cause I'm hallucinating.

- I'm not a hallucination.

I'm as real as the heart

attack that k*lled me.

Can't anyone else see me?

- Yeah, I can see you.

- See? That proves it.

Great, I'm not hallucinating.

- I'm just losing my mind.

- Who's she talking to?

Honey, you're not

in Boaracle's drug den anymore.

I know that, Honey.

So why are you hallucinating

ghosts and talking to yourself?

Because I've obviously had

a breakdown, Honey!

Can we cut the crap?

A lot of us ghosts have

messages for the other side.

And word's gotten out

that you're the new doggy door

to the world of the living.

So I'm not leaving until

you warn Nibbles' new mate,

Peppercorn,

that his days are numbered.

- No!

- And I'm not leaving until you give Shel

my sixteen tricks guaranteed

to make Darla's toes curl.

- Ah!

- And I'm not going anywhere

until you tell Max

to avenge my death.

- Oh, no, another one?

- I'm the first Max, Max Classic.

Max Number Two

won't know peace

until he brings my m*rder*r

to justice!

It was Tobey Maguire on

the set of "The Good German."

Ahh! [gasps]

Tell my sweet Chico

Mama's watchin'.

- And he's a huge disappointment.

- Ah!

Tell Tabitha to rise up

and establish dictatorship

- of the proletari-cat.

- Ahh!

You, commoner.

Elsa must know that she descends

- from corgi royalty.

- Ahh!

[dramatic music]

- [sniffing]

- Who's doing that?

Knock-knock.

Acorn delivery.

Come and get 'em while they're

still not mature oak trees.

Yay, Uncle Diablo's here!

- Ah!

- Thanks. I really needed this.

Their father never came home

last night.

Probably another bender

with that nest-wrecking

chipmunk of his!

I mean, where else could he be?

[siren wailing]

[screaming]

- No idea.

- You'd never abandon your mate.

You're different.

[soft music]

♪

Thought I'd never find love ♪

Then a squirrel fell from above ♪

Then I k*lled that squirrel ♪

And another one fell

from above ♪

♪

Now that's the one that I love ♪

What's wrong?

This was the kind of day

romantic montages

are made of.

I have feelings for you, Diablo.

- But I'm still a mated squirrel.

- No, you're not.

Your mate's dea

finitely banging some chipmunk.

Just because he's a b*stard

doesn't mean he's not my mate!

[sobbing]

No, Maria!

Please don't go!

Big squirrels don't cry!

They can cry if they want to!

Cry if they want to!

[all yelling]

Enough!

Stay strong.

Can't let group know

I've lost my mind.

- Honey's obviously lost her mind.

- Honey, are you feeling okay?

I'm fine.

Nibbles, how's Peppercorn?

Still 100% alive.

And it's all thanks to your help.

Ha, therapy for the win.

Told ya!

Honey, the American

Psychological Association

- generally frowns on I told you so's.

- Perhaps Honey can use some

of her non-magical relationship

magic on Darla and myself.

Don't let Nibbles fool you

or herself.

She's a stone-cold face-eater.

And she is going

to k*ll Peppercorn.

- She's not. She's getting better.

- This no-face won't pipe down

until you do the Peppercorn thing.

Mine first.

It's an erotic emergency.

[all yelling]

Tobey Maguire must pay!

So then I said to her,

"Well, that's not what I said you

said but what I said you said."

And this is where

it gets really interesting.

I can't take this anymore!

Honestly, Shel, she was

saying what we were all thinking.

So it turns out finding

these acorns is getting

a little tough,

and I was just wondering

if you could help me

provide for Maria,

maybe give me

some buried treasure deets

from a dead pirate or

You got some gabagool coming here.

Did you even tell her I'm dead?

No, no, she thinks you're off

with some chipmunk.

Oh, the cannolis on this guy!

Oh, please, I want to get

Maria something special.

- The biggest acorn there is.

- Okay, but only 'cause she deserves it.

Under the tree in your yard,

I buried the biggest acorn

you ever seen, okay?

But you're gonna want to take

Maria with you to dig it up.

It's a two-animal job.

- Thanks, cuckolded ghost!

- Oh!

Ugh, channeling that guy really

does a number on my throat.

[coughs]

- Hey, Honey!

- I'm not crazy!

- You're crazy!

- Excuse me, pardon me.

I don't understand

the physics of this.

I'm sorry I called you fake,

- but quit it with the fake ghosts.

- The spirits are real.

And yes, they watch you

when you go the bathroom.

- I know!

- If you desire them gone,

then do as they command!

Nuh-uh,

even if they were real,

which they're not,

they're wrong.

They said

I couldn't change Nibbles,

but I did, and because of me,

Peppercorn is alive.

Hey, I'm Peppercorn, the most

recent love of Nibbles' life.

Okay, so this is clearly

some Coachella hologram

- because I cured Nibbles.

- Hi, Boaracle.

I just m*rder*d my mushabusha,

Peppercorn,

and a whiny little weasel-dog

said you can help me

get out of feeling bad about it.

- Nibbles!

- Hey, Honey. Who'd you m*rder?

Nibbles, you k*lled Peppercorn?

How could you do that to me

and the rest

of the psychiatric community?

It was just one

of those hilarious mix-ups

- that end with a dead hamster.

- She's lying!

I just sneezed adorably,

and then she k*lled me.

Mm, Peppercorn, uh, disputes

your take on it, Nibbles.

Wait, you can talk

to Peppercorn's ghost?

And he's calling me a liar?

Did you call me a liar, Peppercorn?!

I'll send you

into the after-afterlife!

- Honey, the one you sought is here!

- [gasps] Big Cookie?

Spirit challenge loser says what?

Yes, Honey, it's me.

Come along now.

- Where?

- No questions.

So you're gonna feel a slight tickle

as I pull your soul from your body.

- Just let go.

- Ow! You said a slight tickle.

Shake it off, snowflake.

Maria, I respect

how conflicted you are,

but I think I can

change your mind

with a big surprise

that you're gonna go nuts for!

- Ahh!

- Ah!

Damn ghost set me up!

Why would you show me

my mate's dead body?

I didn't mean to! Just like

I didn't mean to k*ll him!

- You k*lled him?

- Who told you?

You monster!

No, it was an accident.

I'm a nice dog.

Do you remember this?

[cackling]

And now that you know

he's dead,

we can be together, right?

Yay, love wins!

You stay the hell away

from me, maniac!

You're worse than my mate was.

And you're not even good

at parkour!

Look, I'm just a dog

who k*lled a squirrel

standing in front of the mate

of that squirrel,

asking her to love him.

Ah!

[laughing]

Look at look at

I'm the acorn!

[laughing]

I guess my unfinished business

was trolling that loser dog.

Ghost squirrel out!

[sighs]

[soft music]

- So heaven really is a big farm upstate?

- Only for the good animals.

There's Wishbone, Grumpy Cat,

Charles Manson's ferret.

He's a real sweetheart, had

nothing to do with the bad stuff.

Ah, it's me, Chancellor.

Did you deliver my message?

- Yes.

- Well, what did he say?

He said, "What's up?"

Ha, what's up.

Tell him, "Not much."

Follow up, "You?"

Ooh, Chuck Manson's ferret!

Wait up, you crazy b*stard!

Big Cookie,

why didn't you reach out to me

when everyone else's

annoying ancestors did?

We never had unfinished business.

Our friendship was perfect.

- Aww.

- And you don't need my advice.

You just need to accept reality.

I'm dead, Nibbles is a monster,

and ghosts are real.

[chuckles]

You're a dog of science.

- The evidence is right in front of you.

- You're right.

I don't know why

I was fighting it so hard.

I guess I was threatened

by that weird beaver-boar.

But what do I care who helps

group, as long as they feel better.

I obviously have a hard time

accepting anything

that doesn't fit

into my worldview.

I'm always

over-intellectualizing things.

- And

- Now, this, I don't miss.

I did it! I got verified.

Damn it, Marley!

[upbeat music]

- Honey?

- I want to apologize.

Obviously,

I used insider ghost knowledge

to try and fix you,

but you don't need fixing.

You're a k*ller,

and you'll never know peace

until you accept that. So

stay away from other hamsters.

But what if Mrs. Levy puts

another mate in my cage?

- That blood's on Levy's hands.

- Oh, what a relief! [chuckles]

That's a weird lesson,

but good enough.

Tabitha, ghosts are real,

I'm a hypocrite,

and your dad wants you

to start a revolution.

- And scuff my claws? No.

- Eh, democracy's dead anyway.

Chico, your mother's

love language was criticism.

- Wow, she must have loved me a lot.

- That's not what I said.

It was the note

behind the note.

And, Shel, your great-uncle says

to "pull a Michelangelo" on Darla.

But that's what k*lled him!

All right, I'll try it.

♪

Max, Original Max wants you

to get revenge on Tobey Maguire.

You know, tell him I think that

time has already done that for us.

- Any ghost messages for me?

- Tell her she's royalty!

Superior to all other dogs!

- No, nothing for you.

- You know what? I get it.

♪

Really?

He asked me what's up with me?

[laughing]

Whoa, did not see that coming.

Okay, tell him,

"Same old, same old."

He says,

"Same old, same old."

- Ah, finally, I can rest in peace.

- And I can finally pee in peace.

Psst, it wasn't an asteroid

that wiped us out.

Listen carefully because

it's about to happen again,

- and you only have

- Occupado!

♪

[soft music]

So I freeze

halfway across the highway,

and bam, roadkill!

Then who steps out of the car

to inspect the damage?

I kid you not, Amy Adams.

- Ooh!

- Yes!

Come on, that's nothing.

I was torn apart

by an enormous beast.

Oh, you should've seen

the monster dog that k*lled me.

20 feet high, razor sharp fangs.

We grappled for ten days

until that stugotz cheated

- and shot me with a harpoon, oh!

- Hey, watch it, you!

♪

- Hi, I'm Butterscotch.

- I'm Peppercorn.

BOTH: You're so beautiful.

♪