02x16 - Who's a Party Pony?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪

Nice renovation, Darla.

Above-ground pool. Sweet.

- And new boxes!

- They just landed like this.

[sniffs]

It smells really, really bad here.

Imagine if you had

a dog's nose.

I'm gonna have to roll

in a lot of poop

to get this smell out of my fur.

ALL: Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.

ALL: Aww.

Wow. It is so satisfying

seeing Shel's family like this.

I know, I really saved

this relationship

and got Shel on the path

to parenthood, yeah.

I mean, I don't wanna say

I have a perfect record

as a therapist, but I do.

Ooh, I want to play

hide and go seek with them.

I think that concept may

be over their heads.

They don't know how to hide

or seek or "and go."

Lookin' at all these babies

kinda makes one wonder

about parenthood, huh?

Stop it.

You have no coins in purse.

I have no oven in kitchen.

You understand?

[babies meeping]

- Motherhood is just so beautiful.

- Oh, yeah, it is beautiful,

and then instantly exhausting.

Would you give me one second?

Ugh!

- Where's Shel?

- He said something about

having trouble connecting

with the babies and how

he needs space to masturbate.

Hmm. that doesn't sound like

the relationship I saved.

Excuse me.

Shel?

- Shel, is that you in there?

- No.

- Shel. Oh, Shel.

- Not so loud. They'll hear you.

Oh, I'm not cut out to be a

father of one, let alone 29.

All fathers do is vanish,

and leave you alone while

you stand on a pile of hay

crying, "Daddy! Why?"

[sobs]

Woof.

I smell a thera-portunity.

Trademark pending.

Shel, do you think you might

have some unresolved issues

with your own "daddy," perhaps?

[sobbing]

I just wish I could

connect with him. [sniffs]

But he's passed on

to the other side.

- Oh, I'm so sorry for your

- Of 12th Street. Let me finish.

He's way over there, at the

12th Street Animal Sanctuary.

Closure is available to us!

- And I won't leave until you get it.

- I'm really moved.

And not just down there

for once.

[babies meeping]

All right.

I'm getting your dinner

as fast as I can.

I only have no hands.

- Hmm. Interesting.

- You need something, cat?

I'm just so interested

that you feed

all these babies from

one big pile on the ground.

- Not in little bowls? Okay. Okay.

- Well, they're not kittens.

They don't need bowls,

and I don't need an audience.

Oh, just ignore me,

like you do with your babies.

- What?

- Hmm?

It's so nice

these old animals have a place

to live out their golden years

in dignity.

I'm sorry to be a bother,

but my rectum just fell out.

Can you please k*ll me?

- Aww, no.

- That's him.

[birds chuckling]

I like it when you two laugh

at the same time.

- Daddy.

- Just go say hello.

No. I can't do this, Honey.

Let's go home.

I'll pretend

to love my children.

You can do this, Shel.

I'm here for you.

[grunts]

Fine.

Daddy? Uh, Dad?

- No. Uh, Papa?

- Perfect.

I'll be with you every step

of the

[horse whinnies]

Is that

- Pony Ferrari!

- That voice.

Is that

Please. No.

- No!

- It is you!

- It's me, Dr. Honey.

- Leave me alone.

[neighs]

Whoa. Easy, boy.

I know it's weird seeing me

in a non-therapeutic setting.

- Isn't he a heartbreaker?

- What happened to him?

Well, evidently, and we can't

really say who told us this

But it was this super ugly dog,

the kind with the long necks.

- A whippet? A pharaoh hound?

- It doesn't matter.

His entire world fell apart

because he got some bad advice

from his terrible therapist.

- Gulp.

- Yeah.

That's what

the dachshund told

oh, my God.

It was a dachshund.

Isn't that funny?

You stop thinking

about something

and it just comes to you!

[laughter]

I didn't give Pony bad advice.

- Did I?

- You were his therapist?

Sounds like you were a quack.

I know. I hate myself.

On the other hand,

I can pleasure a lover

- using only my shell.

- Daddy, it's me.

I'm your son, Sheldon J.

Whatever-your-last-name-is.

What is this,

some kind of ambush?

You're blowing my chances

of scoring with these birds.

Like father, like son.

[chuckles]

Maurice, we're not getting

any younger.

[chokes]

[thud]

Aw, crap.

It had to be the hot one.

Look, I'm busy here, okay?

But after dinner

I like to stroll over

by that old shirt

and take an evening dump.

If you wanna talk,

you can find me there.

Oh, boy, will I ever.

[upbeat music]

Don't wake up. Don't wake up.

Don't wake up.

Don't wake up. Don't wake up.

[screams]

[babies meeping]

Damn it!

I've been judging

your interesting style

of parenting all day,

and I just want to say,

you're doing it all wrong.

Your babies should be cuddled

into your fur

- I don't have fur.

- Sharing the warmth of your body

- I'm cold-blooded.

- Gently nuzzling them.

Chico, I'm on my

last nerve here, man.

This is how tortoises have

been parenting

since the Jurassic Age.

- Oh, so do you spank them too?

- All right, cat.

If you think you can do better,

please do so.

Mama needs a drink.

I'm gonna go see what's

- fermenting in the compost.

- Fine! Go!

I'll look after these little angels.

- Cheep?

- Oh, hi, little cheeper.

I'm your new, better mommy

for right now.

- Cheep.

- Yes, I did have a litter

of my own a little while ago.

Humans took them away.

- Cheep.

- [laughs] What's that?

Overcompensating for my own

unprocessed grief

and crippling loneliness, you say?

You're funny, Cheep.

[upbeat music]

Pony, tell me what happened.

What good advice did I give you

that you took the wrong way?

[sighs]

I was the second most

successful party pony

- in the world.

- Yes, I know your whole backstory.

All the famous children

of the early aughts

sat on these haunches

Frankie Muniz,

Miranda Cosgrove,

Brad Pitt at his 40th,

the girl who played

young Jennifer Garner

in "13 Going on 30."

Pressure kept mounting.

And then I got

Willow Smith's birthday party.

I remember. I asked you for a

picture that you never gave me.

It was my chance to become

the number-one party pony,

but it was too much,

the pressure to be the best.

And I came to group, and do you

know what you said to me?

You told me not to get

caught up in the competition

and that time is fleeting.

Once all the glory is gone,

I'll have to face myself

and I'd better like the pony

I see in the mirror.

And I was like, wait, time is moving?

Where does it go?

And I freaked out

and couldn't perform.

I got the yips.

I bucked Willow off me

into the crowd,

where she landed on Brad Pitt,

who was 41 at the time.

[neighs]

My career tanked,

and it's all because of you.

[neighs]

My little Pony.

My little Pony!

Oh, I can comb

and brush your hair.

Honey. Honey!

My daddy never showed up

and it's bringing up a lot of

Not now, Shel.

Pony really needs me. Pony!

- Leave me alone.

- You are going to listen to me

and I'm not taking "whoa"

for an answer.

[chuckles] Eh?

Please let me help you.

You just need to get back

on that horse,

or rather, you know, let other

animals get back on you.

Pony Ferrari,

I'm gonna ride you hard

and put you away

mentally stable.

Shel, come here.

Thank you, Honey.

I really need to talk.

[grunts]

I can't. I'll buck you off.

Nope.

This is happening right now.

[grunts]

[snorts]

Pony, easy. You're safe.

You're safe.

- I'm starting to freak out!

- This is natural.

- This is working!

- Honey!

[grunts]

Ugh.

- Well, how did that not work?

- Nothing works.

So I'm just gonna break

into the human's office

and blow through, like,

100 sugar cubes.

Is it possible

I am a bad therapist?

- Honey, when you have a sec

- Not now, Shel.

We'll address your neediness in group.

[Scott Joplin's

"The Entertainer" playing]

ALL: Meep meep meep meep

meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep

meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep

meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep

meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep

meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep

meep meep meep ♪

Meep meep meep meep

meep meep meep ♪

Great work, everyone.

Every cat needs to know at

least one public domain song.

And that's nap time.

[babies meeping]

[babies purring]

- Cheep?

- What?

No, this is totally natural.

[upbeat music]

- And where is your mate?

- Well, he ate some poison

- and passed away this morning.

- Oh. That's too bad.

- Daddy!

- Oh, no.

Daddy, I brought

a baseball glove.

I thought maybe,

if you had time,

we could hump it together.

What do you think this is?

"The Brady Bunch"?

Daddy, I waited for you

all night

by that shirt for you

to take a dump.

Listen, kid,

when I was your age,

us tortoises were almost extinct.

I had to repopulate

our entire species

by myself!

All right? Was it awesome?

Yes, but a lot of work.

Do you have any idea

how many children I've had?

No, but it sounds like

a lot more than I have.

Exactly. And am I

supposed to be some kind

of attentive father

to all of them?

I mean, what do you think?

I'm gonna go around

and start crying about my dad

just because he was

never there for me? Huh?

[sobbing] Daddy!

I was never close to him,

you know.

Oh, I do.

I wish I wish I could help you

maybe get some closure

with your dad.

Maybe that would help me

get closure with

It's too late, you idiot.

He's crossed over

to the other side.

- Oh, I'm so sorry for your

- Of the barn! Let me finish.

He's all the way over there

by that bird bath.

[somber music]

- b*stard.

- I'll help you.

Come on, Dad.

We can do this together.

- Daddy!

- Granddaddy!

[sobbing]

[upbeat music]

And of course I want her

to take the ball from me

and throw it again,

and I know she can't do that

unless I let go of the ball,

but something is stopping me.

Am I too pliant?

I mean, what should I do?

Yes, you're asking me

to give you advice

that could possibly ruin

your life forever.

- So

- Well, I just wanna know

if I should drop the ball,

and you've made it about you.

Okay, well, obviously, Elsa,

you should

uh

uh, uh

- uh, sorry, I'm a bit, uh

- Yes?

- So sorry. I think maybe, uh

- Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

I think I have the yips.

- Oh, my God. Yes.

- Diablo, ask me something.

Okay. Uh

What are the yips?

Oh, that's easy.

You see, it's the kind

of performance anxiety

that makes it

impossible to perform

at your j

- jo

- Are you yipping right now?

- Ahh.

- While that's going on, let me just jump in

and say, I'm a better parent

than Darla, so that's neat.

I've been raising her kittens

with attachment and compassion.

Whoa, buddy.

Aren't they tortoises?

I don't believe in labels

or boundaries.

Chico, I really think you should

- Ahh!

- Meep.

Wow, you brought

your babies to group.

You're like Tori Spelling.

You shouldn't bring

your babies to group,

unless you brought enough

for all of us.

Meep meep.

[babies meeping]

Well, I couldn't leave

my perfectly independent babies

on their own.

Are you gonna step in here

or should I?

I don't think I can ever

step in aga aah.

[sobs]

My career is over!

Ahh!

- [grunts]

- Nibbles, no!

Look at us connecting, Dad,

while breaking the cycle

of neglect together

- as father and

- Shut up!

I'm trying to get closure

with my dad.

Yes, Daddy.

- Ahem. Daddy?

- Good. Stay with it.

I just, uh, wanted to say hello.

Maybe make up for lost time.

Dad?

Daddy?

Hey.

He's dead.

But otherwise,

I think it went really well.

- No! This was a terrible idea. [sobbing]

- Wait, no!

[groans]

- Wait, he's not dead!

- Really?

[groans]

- Nope. He's gone.

- [sobbing]

Why did I wait so long?

- Daddy issues, unresolved.

- Do not go in there.

- Pony.

- You can't fix me, Honey.

I know, and I'm sorry

I ruined your life

and then tried to

nonconsensually ride you.

- I should just give up.

- Yes.

- Not just on you, but on myself.

- Yes.

- Did you blow through all those cubes?

- Nope.

My little Pony pity party

starts right now

and goes all the way

to question mark,

- question mark, question mark.

- Giddyap.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Whoo!

- Ow!

I'm gonna do some donkey kicks!

- Let's write an opera!

- A dog opera!

- With cats!

- Let's do "Cats" starring dogs!

- But first

- BOTH: More sugar!

♪

[bowling pins clattering]

♪

[retches]

[grunts]

- [neighs]

- Hee!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Yeehaw!

- Oh!

- Get him! Get him!

[cars honking]

[tires screech]

[both gasp]

[clattering]

[grunting in pain]

[both laughing]

Ow! Ooh.

We're out of sugar.

We're out of sugar!

Who do we k*ll?

Wait, ooh.

There's some in your gums.

[giggles] It tickles!

It tickles!

Stay still. [laughs]

I'm looking a gift horse

in the mouth.

[stomach rumbles]

[retches]

[upbeat music]

Here are your

newly enriched little angels.

You're welcome.

What do you say

to your birth mother?

ALL: Ta-dah!

Well, that's gonna take them

some time to unlearn.

Goodbye, Fizban the Fabulous.

Bye, Sam the Spectacular.

- Bye, Megan Thee Stallion.

- Oh, my God.

Only two percent of them

survive to adulthood.

You're not supposed

to name them.

And this one's trying to nurse.

Chico, you turned them

into cats!

- What?

- Oh, this is a disaster.

I can't train them.

I don't have a squirt bottle.

You're right.

Why don't I just take them

and raise them as my own?

- That might be easier.

- What did you do, man?

Well, I just gave them

the unconditional love,

attention, and ball of yarn

they've been denied.

- No, that you've been denied.

- Look, I didn't have to come here,

steal your children, and

twist them into unnatural

cat-tortoise hybrids that

will be equally unwelcome

in both the cat

and tortoise communities.

I could be at home alone,

- nobody caring whether I live or die.

- Oh, dear.

That's the saddest thing

I've ever heard.

I'm not done.

I could be eating food

I find in the couch cushions

by myself.

Pooping in a box that is filled

with so much other poop

by myself.

Staring out the window

for hours waiting for someone,

anyone to pass by and see me.

Okay, now I'm done.

- Yikes.

- Cheep.

You get down from there.

You're not a cat.

Meep.

[upbeat music]

- Huh? Ugh.

- Morning, beautiful.

- Or should I say Mrs. Beautiful?

- Ugh. Oh, God.

So I guess

you're my rock bottom.

Well, last night,

I certainly rocked your bottom.

[hisses]

Ready for round two?

- My mule's got a stevia hookup.

- Mm-hmm. Why not?

My life's not going

to destroy itself.

Honey, the good news is,

my grandfather is dead,

which should give you an idea

of how bad the bad news is.

- I really need your help.

- First of all, you're screaming.

Second, I can't help you.

Obviously, I never could.

I'll just ruin your life

like I ruined Pony's.

- Facts.

- Honey, please.

I don't wanna lose the chance

to make things right

- with my daddy.

- Shel, I'm a sugar head now.

Just leave me here

with Pony and

- Cheryl.

- Cheryl? Okay.

Just leave me here

with Pony and Cheryl.

Honey, no. If it weren't

for you, I'd be married

to a very unstable shoe

right now.

Even as a vomit-encrusted,

post-iguana-coital wreck

of a dog,

you're still the only one

I can rely on.

- Really?

- Of course.

You're my friend

with medical benefits.

Shel, you are the most loyal,

loving, passionate tortoise,

and if your father can't see that,

then he doesn't deserve

to be part of your life.

Boring! Come on, Honey.

I know a Mexican skunk who can

get us some dark agave syrup.

[suspenseful music]

♪

No. Shel wants my help

and you obviously don't.

- Oh, here it comes.

- One kid falls off your back,

so you'll never give another child

the joy of riding you again?

How many Culkins,

how many Fannings have

been deprived?

You are so fixated

on one failure from your past,

- you're missing the present.

- Blah, blah, bla [vomits]

Shel, I'm sorry

I wasn't there for you,

but I'm here now.

Now what's your problem again?

- My father.

- Right. Right.

Right. Right.

You can't change your father.

But you can change how you father.

You mean be the daddy

that I needed.

And I'm back, baby. Whoo!

What a rush! [laughs]

Let's go break that cycle.

[chuckles]

Turns out

I only have 12 hours to live.

- Hey, Dad, do you have a moment?

- I only have 12 hours to live,

but of course I have time

to be a great father.

- That's attractive.

- Make it quick.

I'm closing the deal on

this macaw. She's 110.

Used to watch Eleanor Roosevelt

do l*sbian stuff.

I know you did the best you could.

And I kind of feel sad for you.

I mean, I have a family at home

waiting for me.

You never got to enjoy that.

I love you, Dad.

[sentimental music]

♪

- I don't care.

- I know. Bye.

[babies meeping]

- Daddy's home.

- That took way too long.

I'm taking a nap.

[chuckles]

I'm glad I'm home too.

Okay. Okay. Get off Daddy.

This is annoying.

Get off Daddy!

[meeping continues]

Wait. Wait a minute.

Aren't we

Darla, we're missing one!

The little one,

kind of greenish and annoying.

- [gasps] You're right.

- I knew how many babies we have.

- Aren't I a great father?

- The best one they've got.

Daddy issues resolved.

Suck on that, Maurice.

That's funny.

My dad's name is Maurice.

I'm going to pretend

I didn't hear that.

Darla? Shel?

How did you, like

who pressed the button

on the elevator?

- Give us back our baby, Chico.

- Who, Cheep? That's insane.

- You're insane.

- Come on now, Chico.

Give him back.

[tender music]

Meow.

Well, that's going

to make him tough to love.

I guess it is weird. I

don't know what I was thinking.

Well, now that I see you live

alone with a sweatshirt,

- I understand.

- Thank you for that.

Goodbye, Cheep.

Don't forget about me.

- Meow.

- You know what, Chico?

Why don't you keep him?

At this point,

he probably won't survive

out in the wild anyway.

No, no, no,

Cheep belongs with you.

You're a great mom,

unlike that bird over there.

Excuse me.

[chick cheeping]

Hey. Excuse me.

Did you just throw up

in your baby's mouth?

- Yeah. What's it to you, Karen?

- Hmm. Interesting.

[monitor beeping] Bob the

Peacock, I want to apologize.

I've had a little time

to take stock of my behavior,

and the dog I was that day

is not the dog I want to be,

nor the dog I am.

I hope you can find it in

your new heart to forgive me.

Well, Honey,

what I'm about to say

is actually going

to blow your mind,

because the day you left me

for dead

is actually the day I came alive.

Because baby, I found Jesus.

And you can too.

Okay, then.

So glad you're feeling better.

He was plucked for our sins

and yours.

- You're right. You're right.

- Now because of you,

I'm gonna spread the good bird.

Okay, well,

good luck with that.

- Because bird is the word ♪

- I'm so happy for you!

Bird is the word, ha ♪