03x01 - Misery

[bunniefuu]

{\an8}25 YEARS ON AIR
VENTANEANDO

-And in other news, guess what...
-What?

It seems things are serious between
Sebastián Ybarra and Samantha Echeverría.

They're in love.

Photos of the couple
are all over social media.

They're so cute, skating hand-in-hand.

-So cute.
-That's so nice.

He's a theater director and she's the host
of Good Morning Little Mexico.

They're inseparable.

If you ask me,
those two are having lots of sex.

Daniel, watch what you say,
that's enough of that.

But they're young.

Stay tuned for our upcoming discussion
with Christian Chávez

from RBD,
who's here to discuss his candidacy...

-That's just terrible.
-Yes.

...for governor of Tamaulipas!

I'd vote for Christian Chávez.

-Seriously?
-Yeah, sure.

Samantha obviously has issues,
and so does Sebas. So...

I haven't spoken to him in two months.

-Really?
-He's been strange with me too,

using less and less emojis when we text.

-I'm surprised he agreed to join us.
-No, relax.

I've seen his stories and he looks happy.

Fish, you can't believe
everything you see on social media.

I do believe Samantha's super hot.
Famous people have it so easy!

-Yes, but he screwed up with Natalia.
-I can't believe this.

-Gross!
-Is it pudding?

-We're not having kids.
-Didn't Pedro teach her any manners?

Yes. She's just going through
a rebellious phase. Okay?

Because I'm a new woman in her life

-and we're in--
-May I?

-I just want to check because... Mine!
-Come on, Fish!

They're here.

-Hey!
-Hi!

How are you? What's going on?

-It's been too long.
-Yeah, you disappeared on us.

You should let him out!

No, I don't share him with anyone.

-Not even with his friends?
-No, you'll steal him away.

Do you want to sit down?

What? Why are you looking at my boyfriend?

-Can I help you? She's staring at you.
-Wow... Hold on.

What's this as*h*le wannabe doing...
My gosh, Sam?

-George.
-Buttercup, what are you doing here?

-You're so sweet.
-You know each other?

George is my ex.

Right, yeah...

-George, it's a pleasure to meet you.
-That's, "Jorge," to you.

-Sam, have a great time.
-Thanks.

It was nice to see you, enjoy.

Enjoy your meal.

-You, too.
-Same.

Cheers, dear. Cheers.

Enjoy!

-Hello!
-Hey!

-We finally managed to get together.
-Yes!

Don't worry, I was over him in no time.
But she's nothing compared to me, right?

-I like you better.
-It's true, right? Right?

{\an8}HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

Then my sweetheart here started to cry,
and he couldn't cl*max after that.

-Sir, your chocolate croissant.
-No. Thank you.

Honey, you've had enough gluten.
You don't want to get a double chin.

She's always taking care of me.

We haven't told them
about our trip to Holbox!

-It was amazing.
-Incredible.

-Our hotel was really--
-No. Tell them properly.

It was a boutique hotel.

-Do you want to tell it?
-No, go ahead.

-Alright, so, they had these rooms--
-No. They were bungalows. Incredible ones.

-Get it right, Sebas!
-Yeah!

-You're better at telling the story.
-No, it's fine.

Okay. So, the rooms are right next to
this beautiful beach--

You're not telling it right!

It was a private beach,
so we could be naked all day.

Right, I'm terrible. You tell them, honey.

I have naked photos of Sebastián
that are to die for!

-Let me see.
-Honey, can I go to the bathroom?

-Sure. Let's go.
-Don't worry, we'll take him.

-Danone, Fish, come on.
-You're going?

-You don't have to come.
-Sebastián!

Honeybunny. I love you. Bye.

-The boutique hotel sounds wonderful.
-Yes, very nice.

-What?
-Are you okay?

I'm fine, why?

Can you explain why your girl
treats you like a pet?

-What?
-Sebastián, we're worried about you.

So your storytelling does suck.
But, seriously, what the hell?

We haven't seen you in months,

and you show up with this psycho
who won't let you pee?

-What's going on?
-Don't call her psycho.

She's the sweetest, most loving...
What's wrong with you?

-Is she hitting you?
-Does she beat you up?

-Only when we f*ck. Is that wrong?
-No, that's good.

-How is she in bed?
-Is she good?

-This isn't the right time to...
-Hey, boys!

How is Samantha in bed?

In short, it's not the size of the ship,
but the motion of the ocean.

Think about it.

See you later, alligator.

That f*cking guy didn't wash his hands.

He's a philosopher.

I didn't understand him,
but we should listen.

Why do you guys care?

Sam loves me, takes care of me,
protects me, adores me--

No, you idiot!
She has you by the ba*ls!

-They've been gone a while.
-Not even five minutes.

Well, it usually takes about two minutes.
So, it seems...

When he had bulimia, he'd take longer.

I'm kidding. How is he doing?
We haven't seen him in ages.

-What can I say? He's perfect.
-You two seem serious.

-Yes, very.
-Has he met your parents and everything?

No, I don't get along with them very well.

How come? Do they live far away?

Why would that matter?

You think I don't see what you're doing?

You're "analyzing" me
with your cheap psychology.

-Sebastián's told me everything about you.
-He'd better, we're his best friends.

-"Best friends." Sure!
-What are you insinuating?

Clearly, you're jealous
and you want to sabotage my relationship.

-You think we're after Sebastián? Wow!
-Right.

You think you're the first hags
who've tried to to steal my man?

Better b*tches have tried...

So, I'm only going to warn you once,
Sebastián is mine.

Hundred percent, he's all yours.

-What are you doing?
-No!

Fabiana, what's wrong with you? It burns!

Help! He's touching me! Let go of me!

Wait! I didn't do anything!

Do something!

-It was a joke, she'd never stab me.
-You're obviously in a toxic relationship.

She's a bit possessive, not toxic.

Shut up! That's exactly what my aunt said
when my uncle beat her.

-She also humiliates you in public.
-That's not normal.

You know another sign? Belittling you
with backhanded compliments,

then she threatens you
if you don't do as she says.

Tell us we're wrong.

Yeah, is she tracking you?
Are you wearing a mic?

Take your hands off of me!

Is that Sam? Sam!

Let go of me! Perverts!

Someone record
how these pigs are groping me!

Hey! What's going on?
Are you okay, sweetie?

What the hell is this?

What did they do to you? Are you alright?

-What did you do?
-Nothing!

-Fabiana...
-What? Nothing.

We just discussed this.

Honey, just breathe.
What did they do, baby?

What did they do? Try to calm down.
Let's just go, there's mean people here.

I think you guys can cover the bill.
I'll see you later.

It's okay. Calm down, my love. It's okay.

She tried to stab him

and he was acting
like it was all perfectly normal.

-What the f*ck?
-Yeah, Sebastián's on the verge

of being a lost cause.
He's blinded by sexual addiction.

We have to step in.
We can't leave him with that psycho,

or we'll lose him for sure.

Well, there's not much we can do
unless he asks for help.

-It's like Stockholm syndrome.
-I don't care what he has.

We'll kidnap him if we have to.

Kidnapping somebody who was kidnapped
is a bad idea, baby. This one?

-Is that what you're wearing?
-You don't like it?

On the contrary, I love it!

Good, because I don't know
where all my clothes went.

If you only finished unpacking,
I'm sure you'd find a lot more options.

No, it's not that.
I know exactly what I have here.

I just moved in here, that's a big step,
unpacking is a bigger step.

Okay, I was just saying.

-Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.
-It's my parents I'm worried about.

If you knew them, you'd understand.

-They're not bad people, but--
-A bit uptight.

-Like a crowded subway car.
-And you who rides it all day, poor baby.

No, but I rode the subway in Tokyo
and that's enough.

But back to the subject...
Please, don't mention my dad's business.

-The pyramid scheme, right?
-Multilevel.

Never say "pyramid."
It's forbidden in our house. Okay?

Okay, okay.

Can our favorite heartthrob resist

the seductive charms of sexy Sandra?

Let's find out.
Guys! There isn't much time!

Sandra, do your thing,
Robbie must resist to get to the final.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...

-Resist, man!
-Four, three, two, one!

Congrats, Robbie!

Attention, bachelors,

The Ultimate Bachelor Survival Shore
is looking for next season's contestants.

If you think you're qualified,
send us your information.

Get ready to find love
and to face extreme dating challenges.

Whoever's left without a partner, loses.
Will you be that idiot?

Check us out online,
The Ultimate Bachelor Survival Shore.

What's wrong, sweetie?
You're so quiet, what's on your mind?

No, nothing.

You're thinking about Mafer and Fabiana,
right? They're always flirting with you.

What? No, they're like sisters to me.

You have no idea how aggressive they were
at breakfast.

-What? No. That can't be true.
-Clearly, they're extremely jealous.

-I don't think that's it.
-Sweetie, don't be naive.

All women are crazy.

Yeah, sure. But...

I've known them since we were kids.
I mean...

-Aren't you imagining things?
-What if they see things differently?

I think you should delete them
from your Instagram.

To avoid any misunderstandings,
mistaking the meaning of a like...

-You think so?
-Yes.

Deleting them seems a bit extreme to me.

Right, you only care about them.

-Don't exagge--
-I'm exaggerating?

Right. So, now, I'm exaggerating!
If you cared about me

as much as you say you do,
you'd have no problem deleting them.

I deleted every single guy
from my Facebook, remember that?

I had thousands! And I deleted them all!

-But you said they blocked you--
-It's the same! Okay?

The point here is,
that I only have eyes for you--

No, honey.
Obviously, I only have eyes for you too.

-But Mafer and Fabiana--
-Why are you always defending them?

You should be on my side.
Nobody ever takes my side...

No, sweetheart. Stop.
What did we say about hitting ourselves?

Calm down. Okay?

-Don't worry about it. Okay?
-Thank you.

I took care of it.

-I almost forgot! I got you a present!
-Yes?

Close your eyes. Close them.

Open them.

-Wow! "S. S."
-That's right, sweetheart.

"S" stands for so many things.

"S" for Samantha, for Sebastián.
The symbiosis of our relationship,

"S" for "Solely mine."
And this one's exactly the same.

Cut!

Johnny, you're doing great, man.
Keep going to the gym. That's it.

-I'll see you soon.
-What's up, bro?

Hi, how's it going? I'm Fish.
I just wanted to say, I'm a big fan.

I assume you don't know him, but my uncle
and I always watched this show together.

Fun fact, he started drinking more
after he started watching your show.

He was a hardcore fan.
He even died of cirrhosis two years ago.

-But--
-So, what can you do?

I can sing for you.
This song is called, "The Mustard Seed."

Oh, mustard s--
Oh, mustard seed

That's the key.

Oh, mustard--

Hey! Buddy, listen.
This is TUBSS, not a singing competition.

Strip down to your underwear.

-Sure.
-Right now.

Sure. This is what sells, right?

Here we go. Fun fact,
I know the guy who built this deck.

Don Mario, he's a great guy.
Do you know him?

Are you kidding me with this one?

Turn around.

-He doesn't have much of an a*s. Right?
-Or much of a body. Puff up your chest.

And his face?

How's this?

This one is more difficult.

The turtles are in danger
Hippies don't do anything about it

Pick me! Please, pick me!

I love you guys.

Hi.

-She's asleep.
-Okay.

Listen. Wait.

-Pedro, I have to talk to you.
-Yes. What is it?

It's about Clarita.

-What happened?
-Well, look at my purse.

You know she's struggling
with the divorce. But they're just pranks.

"Pranks"? She cut off a chunk of my hair.

She replaced my contact lens solution
with white vinegar.

She sent a message
to all of my WhatsApp contacts,

-"Whoever reads this is a b*tch."
-No!

Yeah. To my clients.

Those aren't just pranks,
they're acts of terrorism.

I'll have a very serious talk
with her about this.

-I'll go right now.
-Good.

Listen, sweet pea.
Those things you did were very bad.

Tell me, who taught you to say...
"Whoever reads this is a bridge"?

-Daddy, it's "b*tch."
-No. No. No.

So, Clara, you're grounded.

-But, Daddy...
-I don't want to hear it. Go to your room!

And no TV for a week.

-Better?
-Yeah.

Here's to the most successful
Bitcoin fund in Mexico.

Exactly! So, why the long face?

Thanks for trusting me, Ricky.
This hasn't been an easy year,

personally or professionally.
But I'm sure this will turn things around.

This is only the beginning.
Look, this is a great deal! Cheer up!

Okay.

Hello? Good. I'm having dinner with Dany.

-She says, "Hi," and sends you her love.
-Same here.

No, I don't think I'll be out late.

We might hit up a strip club later,
but I'm not sure.

I love you more. No, I love you more.

Alright, then. Love you, bye.

-Your relationship sounds great.
-I'm a very lucky guy.

-To the lucky guys.
-Yes. And you're next.

We're on for the strip club, right?

-Yes. But those girls are just pretending.
-Do you prefer boys?

No. I mean, yes, to the strip club table,
but with honest girls.

A man can also say he loves you.

At this point,
maybe I should give it a try.

We're really late.
Again, what are the forbidden topics?

Politics, feminism,
ab*rtion, gender theory...

Nothing about social justice,
and never mention "pyramids."

-Then, what can I talk about?
-My mom likes canasta.

-I can talk about LeBron James.
-No, Fabiana, it's like bridge.

Hi, Mimi, they're at regular table, right?

-I'm nervous.
-No, don't worry.

Their bark is worse than their bite.
They'll love you.

Hello, Mom and Dad.

-Why are you so late?
-Sorry, Mom. We hit a lot of traffic.

Hello.

-Nice to meet you.
-Pleasure.

-It's Fabiana, you remember her, right?
-Hi. Yes, of course!

You see? Caro remembers.

Hello, bro!

-I've grown a few inches.
-Yes, she grew up!

-You look beautiful. I love your jacket.
-Thank you.

This is the outfit I wear
to play canasta on Sundays.

How corrupt do you have to be
to be placed on that wall?

How about some wine? Waiter!

Honey, I don't understand this show.

Fernando Colunga is Gabriel Soto's
twin brother and they're both teenagers?

Quiet. The b*stard daughter is here.

Who's texting you so late, baby?

It's Lorenza. I got some meetings tomorrow
to discuss the movie.

-Have you f*cked Lorenza?
-What? No, she's my manager.

-She's attractive, but she's not my type.
-Okay.

I blocked her.

Didn't you have a soap opera audition?

Yes, but I thought I'd do it
after my meeting about the movie.

I don't know if I'll have time,
but well...

Baby, why do you waste your time
on projects like that?

You're so handsome you don't need talent.

You know another sign? Belittling you
with backhanded compliments.

I prefer making movies.

I can't see myself making a soap opera
with stars like Lozz and Jarabo,

playing some rich kid.

You don't have to go to the audition
I got for you.

Thank you. That really means a lot to me.

I feel like, as an actor,
movies are a greater challenge, you know?

Seriously? While I'm here, like an idiot,
trying to get you auditions.

-You're so ungrateful.
-Didn't you just say it was fine?

-Forget it. It's done. Give me a kiss.
-Of course, sweetheart.

If you don't want to be with me,
just say so!

No, honey. Calm down.

If I'm such a bother, say the word
and I'll jump off the balcony.

Then she threatens you
if you don't do as she says.

No! Come on. Calm down, just breathe.

I love you, sweetie. If you want,
I'll skip the meeting to go the audition.

-I promise, okay?
-Okay.

Come here, let's cuddle.

-This is a lot of food. Lots of animals.
-Don't worry about it, you're my guest.

Are you related
to the Bertorellis from Guadalajara?

They're a respected,
honorable family, right?

Yes. No. Well, possibly...
No. I don't really know.

My father was from Texcoco.

-Did he pass away?
-No, he's alive.

He left after my mother got pregnant,
so I never knew him.

But I recently found them on Facebook.

They're fine. These days,
he prefers the pronoun "they,"

because, based on what I saw on Facebook,
they're defined as "non-binary."

If he's from Texcoco,
he must have horses, right?

I think he works as a stable groom.
Yeah, I saw...

He has a photo
of Zapata sitting on a horse.

-Was Zapata binary?
-No, he was non-binary.

Have you seen
the painting of him in heels?

-Yes. It's tacky.
-He was g*y.

Was he?

-Society wouldn't allow him to come out.
-I was referring to the painting.

-It's very tacky.
-I feel it's an expression of gender...

The food's fantastic, isn't it?

What do young people say these days?
That painting "sucks"?

What's the latest on
your plans for franchises in Ecuador?

-It's Panama.
-Panama!

-The deal fell through.
-It's a weak market for our product.

Because I was thinking,
that may be a good distribution center.

We could have better reach--

Since when are you interested
in the family business?

-This was just an idea I had. That's all.
-He's full of good ideas.

Honestly, he's a business shark.
I don't know about pyramids, but--

I'm sorry, did you say "pyramid"?

Multilevel?

I'm sorry...

I mean, at the end,
pyramids have a lot of different levels.

You can walk up. It has multiple levels.

I mean, after all,
what is the Pyramid of the Sun?

It's flatter, but it's still a pyramid.

-What do you do?
-I'm a psychologist.

She's really good, Dad.

Yes.

That's what my patients say.
And I have a great podcast!

-Yes!
-It's fun, it's doing really well,

it's called
It had to be Said so I Said it.

-I just heard an episode about f*ck.
-f*ck, yes!

-What's "f*ck"? What is that?
-Brother! Can you get us some containers?

To take home, 'cause we're leaving.

You don't take leftovers here,
this isn't Sanborns.

Okay. Nevermind, thanks.

-Don Felipe.
-Yes, my friend?

I'm very sorry, but I have to ask you
to move to the common section.

-What?
-Why?

Please.

Do they have the same food over there?

We can... Ask... Take the food over...

Hi.

-Hi, darling.
-Hi.

Thanks for the pancakes, Mafer.
They're delicious.

-You're welcome.
-That's my girl.

Didn't you forbid her from watching TV?

That's right, I did.
The TV, but not the phone.

-Look, Daddy!
-Let me see.

-What's wrong?
-I burned myself.

-Darling, be careful.
-Yes.

Johnny checks all the boxes.
He's delicious, tall, muscular.

Who else do you have?

Who else?

No, not him.

This is more difficult.

-Who's this idiot?
-Isn't he the fruit therapy guy?

Yes, I knew he looked familiar.

How has he survived #MeToo.

The turtles are in danger
Hippies don't do anything about it

I want him.
This is the kind of scum TUBSS needs.

Of course.

That's why I saved him for last.
He's my pick.

Don't talk to me, okay?

Baby, why'd you leave without telling me?

It's just that...

I left my computer in the car.

Next, she'll be tracking you
with a monitor.

I have a present for you!

"S" for "Solely mine."

I'll wait inside, 'cause it's chilly.

Sure. I'll get my computer
and I'll be right up.

HELP! CODE RED!

-Sweetie, I'm cold.
-Yes.

This is Mexico,
you can't just leave a computer...

I missed you.

Me, too. Let's go.