03x04 - Everyone moves on but me

[bunniefuu]

Why have all the women in my life
moved on without me?

It's a sign of emotional maturity.

If you were unable to break free
from relationships,

life would be unbearable.

Our decisions have consequences.

What decisions?

Lucía cheated on me
and Natalia left on a plane.

Lucía was free to fall in love
with another man,

and Natalia was sick of waiting.

And the others?

What others?

I'm glad you asked.
I was thinking about this all night.

When I found out about Natalia,
I created a presentation.

You'll see, it's very enlightening
as part of our therapy.

I think this is very important.

THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE
AN ESSAY BY SEBASTIÁN YBARRA

Married, divorced,

in a relationship, mother of three,

and pregnant.

Thank you so much for being here.

Why can't I be the man in their lives?

What do those other guys
have that I don't?

-Sebastián, you hit the nail on the head.
-Yes.

{\an8}What do they have that I don't?

It's 670 pesos.

Okay. Do you have
something faster to read?

I'd like to finish
before I reach the age of 40.

I developed a hypnosis program
to get to the root of traumas

-within 48 hours.
-Sure! Yes!

It's only 41,299 pesos
with interest-free payments on Mastercard.

Interested?

-Okay.
-I knew you were smart.

Thanks.

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

Welcome to TUBSS elimination day.

For the second week in a row,

Peter Pichoto has topped our ratings.

Tadeo's next, following closely behind.

-Yeah!
-And at the opposite end,

with the week's lowest rating,
we have Fish.

What's going on? I've even seen memes!

Damn, man.

All right, cut!

-Yes, cut.
-Next.

-Thanks.
-Super cool, man.

What's up with you, man?

You're ruining my show.

We chose you
because of the Mr. Fruit controversy.

-That's what I want to see.
-That was just an incidental fluke.

This is Fish, the real me.

That's sweet,
but no one's interested in the real you.

-Okay, but isn't that what it's all about?
-No, enough.

He's the perfect guy.

He goes all out,
that's why he's in first place.

Wanna play hide-and-seek?

Yeah, right.

Let's go over there.

Let's go.

Look at what that little brat did.

She went through my purse,
and drew over all my IDs.

-Will they accept that?
-I need new documents.

Listen. What do you think
about having kids?

-You're very direct.
-No. I mean...

I always thought I wanted kids.

But after being the stepmother
of the girl from Hell...

-It's a lot of responsibility.
-Yes.

And I'm really concerned
about the environment.

But I guess, being a stepmom

-isn't like being a real mom.
-Yeah.

My nephews are all I need. I'll show you.

-Look, Mafer, they're so precious.
-Yes?

This is what I'm talking about.

-Aren't they the cutest?
-So sweet!

Look at those cheeks!

They look like me, don't you think?
I love them so much.

You must be a great uncle.

I realize he lives in Colombia,
but he's incredible.

He looks like a bad boy,
but he's really sweet.

He loves his nephews, cooks, plays guitar.

Imagine having his children!

You can't just jump
from one guy to another.

What?

No, of course, not.

-But why not?
-Can't you be alone for a while?

I wasn't looking for a guy,

it's serendipity, it just happened.

And he's a Pisces
with ascendant in Aquarius.

-So what?
-They're cool.

Why do you always need to be
with some guy?

Are you running away? Are you afraid?

You're moving way too fast,

you don't even know if he's a good f*ck.

-Really?
-Who doesn't know how who f*ck?

Mafer, who's virtually dating a Colombian.

Really, Mafer?

Cool.

I signed up for hypnotherapy,
what do you think?

As an actor, I'll have
so much emotional material to tap into.

That's dangerous.

You have to make sure the therapist
can bring you back to the present.

I know someone
who always shits their pants

-'cause they're stuck in infancy.
-No!

Do you think you could go back to 1998

and tell me to invest
in LiveStrong bracelets?

Fish, it's regression therapy,
not time travel.

Right.

Yeah.

Why do you need seven slices of bread?

I'm following instructions.

I need a full stomach
in preparation for therapy.

Are you bulimic again?

-What?
-All actors have issues, right?

He used to have bulimia.

Do I really have to be naked for this?
It's cold.

It won't work unless you're detached
from the physical world.

We have to forget the body
to tap into the mind.

I'm an actor.

I have no problem
separating mind from body.

-We can be as one.
-By the way,

how did your fast and colon cleanse go?

Good, it was so refreshing,
I never imagined it would feel so good.

When they suck everything out,
you feel... Yeah.

Feel the vibration through your body.

We're going back
to when everything started.

Your subconscious knows.

Let it speak to you.

Dig into your past.

Wait, did you say "fast"?

No!

Come on, buddy. We're all waiting for you.

Just a minute, Gonzo.

Fashion in the '90s was awful.

Don't feel bad.

-Can he see us?
-No.

It's a projection from your subconscious.

It's a memory from your past.

Why did I wear my hair like that?

No.

That's much better, let's go.

-It's your turn.
-What happened here?

-See that girl?
-Yes.

-Her name's Romina.
-Right.

I loved her, she was perfect.

After months of practicing
spinning the bottle,

I planned to kiss her.

Mayra and Sebas.

No, it pointed between them,
spin it again.

Sebas,

you have braces, acne,
and you dress like Chucky.

Don't be picky.

Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss!

-No.
-What's wrong?

I don't feel well,
I need to use the bathroom.

Hold on!

But what happened?

I don't know,
Mayra wasn't part of the plan.

It was my first kiss.

Yeah.

Guillaume, the French exchange student.

He's the reason I spent five years
trying to learn French.

f*ck you, Guillaume!

f*ck you!

What about the girl?

-What girl?
-The one you didn't want to kiss.

You knew she liked you, right?

Listen.

Mayra? Mayra!

But...

why didn't she tell me?

Sometimes, we become so obsessed,

we forget to look back.

Of course.

I haven't won a single challenge!
I need to boost my rating.

I read an interesting article that says

your rating is directly proportional
to your chances of finding love.

Or to the number of brain cells you have.

No, I just need to win more challenges.

How? By getting ripped.

No, you're not playing strategically.

You're not using your talents.

Talents?

-No offense.
-Okay.

The best way to boost your rating
is by drawing lots of attention.

And now, for our next couples challenge,
a test of sensuality

for all contenders. Are you ready?

-Yes!
-Let's get started.

-Let's see.
-Go on, perfect!

What's going on? What's this?

-Pick up the cart.
-No, wait.

-What are you doing?
-What?

You're going to eat this?
Fish is bringing a twist to the challenge.

He can't do that,
that's not the challenge.

-What are you doing, guys?
-No!

-Fish!
-Dude, I was winning.

You've got to be kidding me.

Come on, this is bullshit.

-More, more, more!
-No, no, no.

{\an8}I didn't expect this.

{\an8}I never thought
he'd have the nerve to do it.

{\an8}I got overly excited.

I'd never seen anyone
eat a chili like that

and I've worked with the best c*ck.

{\an8}WILSON
CLUB PROMOTER

Honestly, I needed a helping hand.

The fact that he actually did it
was super sexy.

It's not worth it, Fish!

Good! That's a real man.
Sorry, but he made you look like pussies.

Look at this.

This is so cool.

-No, that's just not right.
-Fish.

He's going to sh*t himself.
They're chili peppers.

A declaration of love,
watch it here on TUBSS.

-Should we call paramedics?
-No way. Enough.

{\an8}Why did I eat those chilis?

{\an8}EX INFLUENCER EX FRUIT OSHO SOME GUY

{\an8}I've had a need for girls
since I was a kid.

{\an8}I'm sh1tting myself.

Fish, why do you move my stuff around?

I'm famous,
you can't talk to me like that ever again.

If I find out you used my razor
to shave your ba*ls again...

Why are you using my ball razor
on your face?

Disgusting!

Congratulations, hashtag Mr. Chili,

-you're a trending topic, my friend!
-Hell yeah!

The topic we should be discussing
is finding my contracts.

Relax, Danone, you're stressing me out.

All you need are some essential oils
with weed.

You'll thank me later.

Ricky, we need those Bitfix contracts.
Do you have them?

You have lots of knots,
I'll get my masseuse to work on us.

-I can't hold it.
-No.

-I shat myself.
-That's disgusting!

-I'm wearing a diaper.
-What the f*ck?

Can I have some?

You have to put aside your physical needs.

If not we'll never get
to the root of your trauma.

Right. But isn't there
a risk of dehydration?

Look.

It's time to enter the psychic world
of present relationships.

-Are you ready?
-It's just that...

Why am I dressed like this?

For some reason,
your subconscious is associating

your emotional state with a Tibetan monk.

This may be connected to your sex life.

Maybe you were castrated.

I mean, symbolically.

-Okay.
-Where are we?

I don't know,
I haven't the slightest idea.

-She's very pretty.
-Of course.

I remember, we ate breakfast here
before the theater.

-It's sweet bread.
-Judging by the look of it,

I doubt it's the best bread in the city,
but I'll try it.

-Sink your teeth into it.
-I'll try.

-Bite into it.
-This isn't your fault.

I dated a chef,
now I can't enjoy ordinary desserts.

Embarrassing, right? But, I mean...

Embarrassing?
I bet you can't even make hotcakes.

That's true.

Let's not talk about that,

but you never told me about your exes.

Why would I?
No, I have told you about them.

-Never.
-Ask me what you want to know.

Okay. Describe your ideal man.

-He doesn't exist.
-Come on.

There's no such thing
as an ideal man or woman.

People aren't perfect and that's fine.

Okay, sure.

I think that's bullshit,
for we all have ideals.

-That's right.
-Can I get you anything else?

Do you have any beer on tap?

-Let me check.
-Thanks.

Beer? We're having breakfast.

-Exactly.
-You've got issues.

Don't judge.

-To answer your question,
-Yes.

assuming I believed
in the perfect ideal man,

I want a guy who's cool.

Passionate, fun, intelligent,
a man who pays attention to details.

A man who enjoys simple things in life,
like delicious food,

beer on tap.

Someone who's...

A man who's persistent,
even if people tell him, it's impossible,

he's relentless
in the pursuit of his dreams,

and wants me to be part of them.

Someone who knows where he's from
and where he's going.

And someone who values friendship
above all else, you know?

-Trust.
-Sorry.

-What?
-Can I take this?

-Good news?
-Yes.

A model I met online is coming to Mexico
and she wants to meet me.

I never thought
she'd be interested, but...

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

I'll tell you about it later.

Hello?

Why don't I remember this?

I was an idiot.

I wasn't even listening to her.

Are you starting to see the pattern?

Yes.

I've wasted so much time thinking

about myself,
and all of the things I needed...

Our time is up.

You're doing well, good work!

-Hey! What's going on?
-Diana, how are you?

-Sorry, come in.
-Yeah, thanks.

I'm in a hurry, I need some documents,
and Ricky's not picking up.

He's not here,
but you can have a look in his office.

No, ask him to call me
and tell him I came by.

He said he wouldn't be home until late.

Search his office, it's fine.

First door to the left.

I won't be long, I swear.

-I'll be really quick.
-Don't worry.

-It's so cool with the tail.
-I'm getting a tattoo.

-No.
-Are you all right?

Seriously, he's such a badass.

He's tattooing himself.

He said you have a small d*ck.

-He's full of sh*t.
-He says your mom's a wh*re.

-What does he know?
-He says your tattoos suck.

He can go f*ck himself.
No one insults my tattoos.

-I'm sick of this!
-Violence doesn't solve anything.

-This has nothing to do with you.
-That's enough.

What's wrong with you, Tadeo?

-But why?
-Let them fight.

as*h*le, can't take it, can you?

-You know what I hate about you?
-What?

What are you going to do now?

No shortage of testosterone here.

Who'll win tonight?
This is pure adrenaline.

Send us a text and vote.

-Are you gonna hit me?
-Yeah.

What? The vase? Go for it.

You'll hit me with a vase, great.

{\an8}CELIA
MEXICAN ROCK HEIRESS

{\an8}Fish never said those things to me
about Tadeo.

{\an8}But I'm sure he was thinking it.

{\an8}TADEO
DJ WANNA BE

{\an8}He destroyed my face. How can I work now?

{\an8}XIMENA
INFLUENCER

{\an8}But the guy said, "Go ahead and hit me."

He gave him a dirty look
like he was calling his mom a wh*re.

As a good friend,
I just had to tell Tadeo.

-Did you find what you needed?
-No.

Do you want to wait?

No, I need those papers.

Hey, just relax. I have this theory.

If there's a solution, why worry about it?

And if there isn't a solution,
no point in worrying.

You're right.

as*h*le.

-TUBSS?
-It's my guilty pleasure.

Can I confess something?

Fish is one of my best friends.

-Seriously?
-Yes.

You have to introduce me.

-I'm a big fan.
-Any time.

He recently started covering himself
in fruit.

-So sexy.
-I'll introduce you.

-Do you think he'll like me?
-You'll find out.

Thanks, man. No!

Are you all right?

Our ratings over that last two days
have been the highest ever.

Congratulations, Fish.

I love you, Gaby,
I wish you were participating.

Cut! See, guys? This is the kind of stuff
we need here on TUBSS.

Pichoto, you're falling behind.

Do something. Why don't you fight?

Gaby, the insurance policy...

Luis Miguel wants to come on.
What should I say?

-We'll have to review it.
-Yeah, let's go.

Girls, there's plenty of Fish
to go around.

I'm like tuna, I can fill a lot of cans.

Right.

-Should we go?
-Yeah, obviously.

Put down the chips.

{\an8}What's my secret weapon?

{\an8}PETER
DOCTOR IN PHYSICS, EX PORNSTAR

{\an8}My knowledge.

{\an8}Our brain is like a muscle,
you have to exercise it every day.

What's going on?

Congratulations, you're first this week.

I don't approve of what you did to Tadeo,
even though he's an as*h*le

and his tattoos are sh*t,
you deserved to win.

You know why?

-You're really a nice guy, and I thank...
-Forgive me.

-What the f*ck?
-Hi, guys.

-Hey!
-Who's going invite me into the Jacuzzi?

Me, I'm inviting you.

-I was thinking about love.
-What?

-And games.
-Thinking what?

And I believe

you need a good partner to be successful,

and you and I make a good team.

We can win at love.

-Yeah?
-What do you think?

What do you have to offer?

I'm so jealous!

I don't know why I did that.

I swear,
I thought I'd left that life behind.

Sorry, I can't do this. sh*t.

This was so unexpected.
Pichoto pulled out his secret weapon.

Fish was defeated
by the infamous "Picho magic."

To find out what happens next,
tune in to our next episode,

{\an8}follow us at hashtag Picho Magic.

{\an8}You're watching TUBSS.

-Come on, just two.
-No, I can't.

Singing and flying.

No?

-You're such an idiot.
-Why? Singing and flying, it's perfect.

You sing from the heavens.

It's late, I have to go.

-Yes, I was about to fall asleep.
-Yeah.

-Thanks for the weed.
-Do you want pretzels to take home?

Sure, I'll grab one.

Tell Ricky I came by.

Right, I'll tell him.

{\an8}Sebastián!

You look great,
I can tell you're well rested.

How are you?
Well, it doesn't matter. Sit down.

Today's the most important day of therapy.

Your body has finally detached
from your mind.

Are you ready for our last psychic trip?
Close your eyes.

Concentrate.

Let your mind
lead us to your deepest desires.

I have no idea where we are.

What?

{\an8}BEST ACTOR
BEST DIRECTOR

-This must be the future, right?
-No. This is all in your mind.

This is your mind's projection
into the future.

I'm really glad to see
I haven't gone bald.

How embarrassing.

{\an8}THE GREAT GASPAR

Hi!

I've always wanted a dog like this.

"Teo?" We'll have to change your name.

Sweetie? Why are you so late?

The awards ceremony took longer
than expected.

I got 42 Ariel Awards,
a few less than Damián Alcázar.

Who is she?

I never thought I'd say this,
but I don't want to see myself f*ck.

I don't blame you.

You know what? I'll book you
for a tantric sex session.

I truly have no idea who she is.

Try harder, it's all in your mind.

She's the waitress!

So this means
the waitress is the love of my life.

I don't know.
These are projections of your mind.

It's what the future might look like.

I never really noticed her.

Exactly.

You're so obsessed
with finding the ideal woman,

you don't see those around you.

I'm the Terminator, love.

Mayra, Natalia, the waitress,
they all reflect that.

No, not yet.

This is your pattern.

You're so obsessed with ideals,
you fail to notice

the women in your life
who can make you happy.

There's no such thing as perfect.

If you go on like this,
you'll always feel inadequate.

You'll always be comparing
yourself to others.

Tell me Alcázar is nothing compared to me.

Tell me!

Of course!

Of course!

Yes, of course!

Of course,
idealizing screws everything up.

Finding love doesn't have to be
so complicated.

Exactly.

Lucía and Julieta?

They fit the stereotype
of the ideal woman,

but I didn't even really know them.

I'm so proud of you, Sebastián.

You finally understand.

And you were right.

The only thing I have to do
is go with the flow.

I need to broaden my horizons.

I shouldn't limit myself
to women I perceive as perfect.

I should be open to all women,

irrespective of them being
good or bad people or...

That's not exactly what I was saying.
I was referring to other...

You're right.
I'll wait for love to come to me.

You have to make an effort as well,
otherwise...

No. All I have to do is go with the flow.

I'm cured, I don't need therapy anymore.

I don't know if I'd go that far.

The word "cured" implies...

Esther, the only thing
we can cure is cheese.

As far as we're concerned,

I have to thank you for everything.

I'm going to "flow" on over
to my friends' place,

and tell them how well this went.

Yes? What is it?

You should wait, don't you think?
Give yourself time to calm down.

Of course.

Yeah.

Welcome to the new Fish!

Welcome.

{\an8}The new Fish is more like a shark.

{\an8}Suddenly it was like, bam!

{\an8}That's what he needed.

A great white shark.

The new Fish is sexy to me.

Wow, Fish. I want to be your first choice.

To win!
And to get an STD that's not lethal.

Listen, Lu wants me to remind you

to let her know
if you're bringing a wedding date.

It's my first wedding
with an official girlfriend,

is there a special protocol?

Or should I hide Fabiana in a suitcase?

I assume my date will be Fish.

I don't know about that.

I'm a national hero.
I have a waiting list.

One million followers.

Get over yourself.

I'll be going alone too,
now that I broke up with Pedro.

Do you have a date, Sebas?

Therapy taught me that love will come
in its own time.

So, I'll just go with the flow.

What does that mean?

Does that mean you're going alone
or with a date?

Alone.