Hi, there.
Hey.
You know you've got a fair
amount of blood on you there, sir.
Oh. Huh.
Yeah, it's not even
mine. It was just this...
Never mind.
Hey, listen, I need you to
take this thing off my hands,
just make it someone
else's problem, you know?
I mean, I thought my boys
were gonna love it, but, uh...
Let me tell you,
man, they will not.
No, it's not, uh... a toy,
so just don't ever call it that.
It's a, uh...
It's...
Actually, I don't know
exactly what it is.
Besides, it appears
to be broken.
See, the drumstick seems to
be stuck in the up position.
You do not want the g*dd*mn
drumstick to come down.
Okay?
Because when it does,
I promise you, we are
all f*cked to hell.
Okay?
Woah... Oh...
Okay...
Well, sir, can't speak for you,
but, heh, I don't feel
especially f*cked to hell.
Hot dog.
Who's smiling now, you
infernal son of a wh*re?
YEAH!
I don't know
if every father
passes some secret
horror onto his kids.
But mine sure did.
Come on, baby, while
the thrill is on
Come on, baby,
let's have some fun
Come on, baby, let
the good times roll
Roll all night long
My name is Hal Shelborn.
This is me and my
twin brother, Bill.
Well, this is us
before everything.
Bill was the kind of kid who
would say, "shake on it,"
but then pull his hand back
and pretend to slick his hair.
He was older than
me by three minutes
and ate most of
my mom's placenta.
So that made him
my "big" brother.
A role he took seriously.
And he treated me like sh*t
whenever he got the chance.
I've been
meaning to tell you...
Mom says she hates you
because you made dad leave,
and now she has to go on dates.
But I managed
to love him anyway,
even if I did
sometimes fantasize
about being an only child.
I hate
you, Bill Shelborn.
My mom raised
us on her own
for as long as she
could, at least.
And my mom,
well, I can remember
her perfectly,
like it was yesterday.
Your father...
Well, your father went out
for a pack of cigarettes
and never came back.
Just made
like an egg and...
scrambled.
And sure, sure,
I could have been one of
his stewardesses, but,
of course, the deadbeat
never took me anywhere.
He just brought back
Swiss cuckoo clocks
and bonsai trees.
Knick-knacks
and souvenirs
to stuff our closet full.
And one day, my darling boys,
all that horse
sh*t will be yours.
We knew my mom thought
it was a bunch of junk.
But for Bill and me,
Dad's closet was full
of clues to who he was.
There she is.
Old deadbeat's disguise.
The hell's that thing from?
Paris, France or something?
It says, "Organ Grinder Monkey."
"Like Life."
You mean "lifelike," dumbshit.
No.
What?
Hey.give me that thing.
Here.
You think this does
junk if I turn this?
Don't, Bill. It's Dad's.
Dad's gone, f*ck.
And I'm his next of "skin,"
so legally, everything
in here's mine.
Stupid thing's broken anyway.
Don't come in our
room, dumbshit.
Shotgun, obviously.
Christ, what's worse
than a blind date?
I'd rather take my chances
and kiss a g*dd*mn frog
and see what happens.
Okay, boys!
Uh, no soda after
you brush your teeth,
and no fires,
and no video games
because of the last fire.
I tried to
tell them no fires,
but these boys are
nothing but willish.
Thank you,
babysitter Annie.
I'll be home by midnight.
Okay, boys,
I've got only one
rule for tonight.
Keep your hands off the
hot parts of the table.
Okay?
I'll try, but...
I'm just a man.
Bill, knock it off.
Holy sh...
Maybe an
experience like that
could have brought
me and Bill closer.
But it turned out
one freak tragedy
wasn't going to
be nearly enough.
f*ck.
How is her head still together?
Sh. Sh. Sh.
Don't think about it too much.
Oh, f*ck.
Uuuuhhh...
Oh, yeah.
Today, we are here
with Annie Wilkes.
Gone by accident...
rather, in an accident
because, you know,
there's no accidents.
Um... Is there a divine plan?
Sure, you know, uh, maybe.
Call it a coin toss, you
know, heads or tails, heh.
But not Annie's head
because that is,
uh, separate.
That's a separate issue. Uh...
Uh... You know, why
her, though, right?
Why Annie?
Why not you?
Or you?
Everything for a
reason, yeah, totally.
And it is what it is.
Uuuhhh...
It is what it is.
The word of the Lord.
Amen.
Everything is an accident.
Or nothing is an accident.
Either way, same thing.
It's not if or even how.
It's only when.
Everybody dies.
And that's life.
I'll die.
And you will both die.
And all of your friends
and their parents
and all of their
pets and everybody.
Some of us peacefully
in our sleep.
And some of us horribly...
violently, tied up
with a clothesline,
and screaming through
duct tape over our mouths
and all that jazz.
And to hell with it.
Come on, let's go dancing.
Well, it's Saturday
night and I just got paid
Fool about my money,
don't try to save
My heart say "Go
go, have a time"
'Cause Saturday night
and I'm feel fine
I'm gonna rock it up
I'm gonna rip it up
I'm gonna shake it up
Gonna ball it up
I'm gonna rock it
up And ball tonight
Got me a date and
I won't be late...
It might have been
on the day of a funeral,
but that probably was the
happiest day of my life.
It's funny how quickly
that can change.
Hey, kid.
Your brother says your
dad left your mom.
Lit out to Paris,
France to buy cigarettes
'cause you're a big fat
baby who cried all the time.
And man, don't
your mom deserve better?
I mean, don't she?
- Um...
- I guess that means
your mom would be wearing the
pants in the house now, huh?
I think that's how
it works, yeah.
Aw, but...
see, you're wearing pants.
And two people can't be wearing
the pants in the house
at the same time.
So, looks like you got yourself
a bit of a pants problem, kid.
Honey, I'm making PB&J.
Oh, and how am I?
Oh, I'm great! I love slaving
over my two sons all day long.
Mom!
Yeah?
Why'd you put Dad's
weird monkey in our room?
You know I don't
go in there anymore
since I found that stiff sock.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't have anything to do
with my babysitter's
head, right?
- That'd be like...
- Yo!
You really got
the hots for that thing, huh?
- I... I don't.
- It's all good.
You can have it, but...
all you gotta do is
say you wanna marry it.
But I don't wanna marry it.
Say, "I wanna be
Mrs. Stupid Monkey."
I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.
Now say...
"I wanna suck its banana."
- No, Bill, no.
- Say it!
Or I'll eat the rest of
your placenta, b*tch.
I wanna suck its banana.
All right. We have a deal.
You can have the monkey.
Idiot.
Between
the ages of 12 and 15,
the p*nis takes on
a life of its own
and becomes sensitive
to physical and
emotional horseplay.
Around this time,
the opposite sex becomes both
appealing and horrifying.
Yo, Mrs. Torrance!
Hal Shelborn's jerking
his monkey under his desk!
Honey, I'm making devil's food.
I don't f*cking want any!
Language!
Who talks to their mother like that?
What are you, a
sailor in a shipyard?
You.
It's because of you that
deadbeat Bill this to me.
You know who I'm talking
about, don't you?
That as*h*le kid who
lives in here with me...
that's Bill.
You wanna know something else?
I wish Bill was dead.
Hey, Mom, you home?
Is dinner ready?
Mom?
Mom?
You're not even making it yet?
What the f*ck?!
Oh, sh*t.
MOMMY!
The doctors called
what happened to my mom
a boomerang aneurysm.
But I was the only one who
knew what it really was.
They said chances
of it happening
were one in 44 million.
And that's just
another way to say
it has to happen to somebody.
And that's how it works.
You turn the key and
the drumsticks go up.
They come down again
when it chooses
who it wants to k*ll next.
It doesn't take requests.
It kills who it wants
when it feels like it.
And it doesn't owe
you an explanation.
It's true what it
says on the box.
It's just like life.
Uh... son,
- perhaps it's best if you...
- Shut up!
Hey, Mom!
Mom, wake up!
Mom?
Mom, that's a funny joke!
MOM!
Wake up.
Okay, you can keep talking.
Oh...
You know, your Aunt
Ida and your Uncle Chip...
never wanted kids.
Nah.
Always just kind of preferred
a life where you sit down
and you don't stand up
again until you want to.
Also, we're swingers, but...
Oh, well.
And I want you to know
we're gonna do our very
best with you boys.
It's just that our
very best might be...
pretty bad.
Oh... oh, f*ck.
f*ck!
What the f*ck?
f*ck.
I put the pieces
in a garbage bag
and made sure it got
on a garbage truck.
And I assumed that
would be the end of it.
But after that,
Bill and I were never the same.
I mean, we looked the same
because we were twins,
and, well, you know what I mean.
Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip
picked up Bill and me
and moved us to Maine.
And I guess I hoped we'd left
the worst of it behind us.
They say everything
can be replaced
They say every
distance is not near
So I remember every face
Of every man
who put me here
You going to take
off your suit, Bill?
If I take it off, then
I'll have to put it back on
as soon as there's
another funeral.
But if I don't take it off,
then I won't have
to put it back on.
So there won't be
any more funerals.
Sleep tight, you two.
I shall be
Released
Here comes trouble,
here it comes!
Why the
hell did you bring it?
I didn't. I chopped it up.
Don't look chopped up to me.
I'm telling you, Bill,
it's a bad monkey.
It's a bad, magic,
k*ller monkey.
You think it k*lled
Babysitter Annie?
Maybe. Probably.
I... I don't know.
I was going to marry that girl.
I know you were, Bill.
We should try it on purpose to
see if anyone else we know dies.
No, we shouldn't. I mean,
what if it gets one of us?
Then I promise to pretend
to be sad when you're dead.
Yeah, me too.
You think it could k*ll the
person who turns the key or not?
How the hell should I know?
Do you think Mom turned it?
I'm gonna try it.
Don't, Bill...
It was a hunting accident,
but not the usual kind.
Uncle Chip was trampled by
a stampede of 67 wild horses
in his sleeping bag
on a camping trip.
I overheard the
undertaker say that,
when they dumped the body out,
it looked like someone had
drop-kicked a cherry pie.
I don't mind
much that Uncle Chip's gone.
He was kind of an as*h*le.
I just mind more that I feel
pretty good it wasn't me.
But it's got to
be done, you know?
To keep it away from the people
who might feel really
good about using it,
like the Nazis and Russians
and "Iran-qis" and whatnot.
We knew that it
couldn't be destroyed,
so we hoped that we
could maybe contain it.
Just get rid of it.
Make it go the f*ck away.
And for a long time, anyway,
it really seemed like it had.
Ah!
I haven't seen the monkey
since we threw it down the well,
but it feels like only a matter
of time before it comes back.
This is me today.
I pretty much lost
all contact with Bill,
and I'm good with that.
He was kind of an
as*h*le anyways.
I don't have any friends,
and I do my best to
stay away from family
for fear that if
the monkey returns,
it'll k*ll someone close to me.
But staying away from family,
Excuse me!
...that's easier said than done.
Well, f*ck your mother!
Hey, Dwayne.
Oh, man!
Come in, come in.
Oh no, it's cool.
I gotta run early today.
I gotta pick up my kid.
Wait, you got a kid?
sh*t, man, that sucks.
Does it live with you?
Uh, no, no he doesn't,
but I get to see
him once a year,
so I'm taking him
to Horror Heaven.
Yeah.
Roller coasters, I guess.
Once a year?
sh*t, man, that sucks.
I bet your ex-wife's some
type of mega b*tch, huh?
Huh?
Oh! No, the once-a-year
thing, that was my idea.
It turns out I'm kind of
a bad influence, you know.
"Here comes trouble."
Who, you?
It's not like, you know,
I beheld a pale horse, and
on it was a pale rider,
and the rider's name
was, you know, Death.
But, uh...
Yeah, there has been some death.
sh*t, man, that sucks.
Pff! Jet skis,
come on. Douchebag.
"Love... Hal."
f*ck.
Feel that
parental energy...
transferred from you to me.
Petey's been asking about
you more and more, Hal.
And it's breaking our hearts.
About me?
What about me? Why?
Because
you're his father.
And he's doing a family
tree school project.
And like it or not, you're
one of the branches.
Look, I...
I care about Petey.
I do. Like, I...
I care about him
a lot, like, a lot, lot.
Just now, when we were
on the couch together,
I took your power.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never
said you could take my power.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Ted has decided
- to legally adopt Petey.
- What?
And once the
adoption's finalized...
it won't be necessary for
you to see Petey at all.
But you can't just do that.
He can't just do that.
As the leading
expert in my field,
can't I?
Listen, you and
Petey have this time.
So just take the week,
lock in some nice memories,
and then cleanly cut it off.
Like a vestigial tail.
That's what you want. Isn't it?
No. It's not what I want.
I want to spend time with
Petey. It's just, you know...
Vestigial?
It means something that
has become functionless,
and as a result, is
no longer necessary.
- I know what it means, Ted.
- I'm sure you do.
- I do.
- Well, I have your power, so...
Well, I peed in one of your
bushes on the way in, so...
Well, this is the part where
I suggest that we arm wrestle.
What? Arm wrestle for what?
For all the marbles.
And by marbles, I am, of course,
referring to your little ba*ls.
- My...
- Hey.
Honey...
Oh, Petey. Hey.
Hey, buddy.
What are you guys talking about?
What do you
mean, it reminds you of your dad?
You talking about
the sh*t-eating grin
or the hairy back and arms?
Do you ever
wonder where he is?
Dad, I mean.
Baby, that ain't worth it.
But if you're really
looking for an answer,
I'd have to go with either...
at a card table
or under a hooker.
Oh, sick, Ma. Come on.
Gross.
Hey, Beauchamps, honey,
you want a drag?
But are you still thinking
of selling that monkey thing
to the nut who never
leaves his house?
I mean, have you ever even
met this guy face to face?
Sounds like a real
f*cking pervert to me.
So, do you have any
brothers or sisters?
Is that your family tree thing?
What gave it away?
Okay.
So, um...
brothers, sisters?
Yes, no?
Uh... no.
No to both?
Yeah, no, neither.
Only child... just like me.
And, uh, what's your mom's name?
Um...
Lois.
My mom's name was...
Lois.
Hey, uh... Oof.
It's getting kind of late, darn.
I should get you some,
uh, some dinner, huh?
Only if you want me
to, like, survive.
Cool.
Say it, or I'll
eat the rest of your placenta...
I promise
to pretend to be sad
when you're dead.
What the f*ck?!
Christ.
What the f*ck?
Hello.
Well, hello, dumbshit.
Bill.
Can't be the only
person who calls you dumbshit.
How did you know how
to reach me, Bill?
I haven't heard from you
in, what, five years?
Haven't seen you in
something like 10?
Nine and eleven,
and those are just numbers.
The police gave me yours.
What do you mean, the police?
I have news.
Aunt Ida is no more.
Oh, sh*t.
Well, I guess she
was kind of old.
Was she sick or something?
Actually, it
seems the old girl
was having somewhat
of a renaissance,
putting her house on the
market, cleaning out her closet.
The nice young
policewoman I spoke to...
used the phrase,
"freak accident."
Okay, and? What?
Someone has to go
through her belongings,
and you're the next of kin.
Technically, you're
the next of kin, Bill.
This is my week
with Petey, so no.
Your week? That's
all you get with your son?
- Also, you're weak.
- What do you want, Bill?
Go to Aunt Ida's house
and make sure "it" isn't there.
"It" is at the bottom of a well.
"It" can teleport
and you know it.
Why don't you bring
Petey along, hmm?
Let him see you being
brave for a change.
Jesus.
What do fathers
and their estranged sons
say to each other?
Road trip?
Why would it be at
Aunt Ida's anyway?
Because it's attached
itself to our family
and likes to k*ll us.
And I don't want to
die, and presumably
you don't want
Petey to die either.
And what if
I find it, huh?
What am I supposed to do,
drop it from a f*cking
plane? It'll probably bounce!
No, you never let
it out of your sight again,
so no one turns the key.
Presumably you don't
want Petey to...
Stop talking about Petey.
The monkey
must be vanquished.
Why don't you vanquish
it, huh, Bill?
You're smaller, you go.
Bill. Bi... f*ck!
f*ck!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
f*ck! What the f*ck?
Is that a leg? f*ck!
Okay, okay.
- Petey, wake up. Come on.
- What?
- We gotta go. Let's go.
- What time is it?
What the f*ck?
Hey, language.
And we gotta go, all right?
There was a thing outside.
It wasn't a thing.
It was a woman, and either
way, we gotta split.
All right? So come on, let's go.
It's the middle of the
night. Are you high?
No, I wish, Jesus Christ.
No, don't do drugs. I mean it.
But come on, let's
go. Hurry up.
I'm going to bed.
WE GOTTA MAKE LIKE
EGGS AND SCRAMBLE!
Hey, Petey,
uh... sorry about that.
It's just that my aunt Ida died,
and I gotta deal with
a lot of her stuff.
Can I ask you a question?
I'd really rather you didn't.
How'd your mom die?
Is this for your
family tree thing?
Because usually family
trees are about the whos
and the whens, not the whys
and the, you know, how.
Was your aunt the one that
raised you after your mom died?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she did.
Maybe you could, uh,
take me to your
aunt's house with you.
I could help you
with her stuff and...
You're not coming
with me, Petey.
Why not?
Because it's
depressing, all right?
We were supposed to
go to a theme park,
not into, you know...
...darkness and death.
I know about the adoption, Hal.
Oh.
And so you can either just...
cut me off and cut this off,
or we can spend
the rest of the little time
that we have left together...
together.
I wonder which one
Lois would have chosen.
What are you doing in
here all alone, Hal?
Or do I not want to know?
Just thinking, I guess.
Oh, yeah?
- About what?
- I don't know.
The future.
You got any advice?
Um, well...
take care of your teeth.
And take care of your gut.
And take life as it comes.
You know, the worst thing you
can do is try to force it.
But really, I think that
the most important thing
for you to remember is...
try not to k*ll
everybody around you.
Petey? Pe...
Petey?
Petey?
Hey, Petey, buddy?
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
Check it out. There's
a place in town.
They do skydiving lessons.
I feel like it's
one of those things
where you're either really
good at it or you aren't.
It only takes one
lesson to find out.
Hey, funny.
That's... that's funny.
Yeah? Well, you're
kind of funny too, Hal.
Oh, and
they do weddings.
Hey, uh, do me a
favor, all right?
Uh, wait in the car
while I deal with this.
What? No way.
I want to see your old room
like they do in the movies.
No, Petey.
Why not?
Just because...
because I said so.
All right. Fine.
Then I have to go number two.
What? Why didn't
you go at the motel?
There's a lot you don't
know about me, Hal.
For instance,
I'm one of those kids that
can only go poo in a house.
Are you being serious?
It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.
Jesus Christ.
Hi.
Hey there. Sorry. Ah.
Oh, window won't go down.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey there.
- How are you?
- Hi! I'm Barbara.
- Hi.
- You must be Hal Shelborn.
Your brother Bill Shelborn
said you'd be coming.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
Uh, hi, Barbara. Yeah.
That
brother Bill of yours
is quite the
character, isn't he?
- Yeah.
- Your brother Bill, I mean!
Yes, yes. He's quite
the character. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow, who's
this little slugger?
Oh, this is, uh, this
is my son, Petey.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, no, thanks, Barbara.
I'm just a kid who
doesn't buy many houses.
But I also didn't know
that I have an uncle.
So, yeah, thanks for that.
Um, it's funny, because
I actually asked Hal here
if he had any
siblings yesterday.
But he flat out lied to my face.
- Well...
- But it's cool.
He's only going to
be my dad for, like,
a few more days anyway,
'cause he's being swapped
out for a leading expert.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Well...
- So no card. Okay.
- No card, yeah.
- Let's see the house.
Were you and your
aunt very close?
Uh, sure. Very.
Is this all her stuff?
I felt like she had more stuff.
Oh, well, we
did have that estate sale
the day after she died.
We had a great turnout, too.
We must have made over $100, ha!
Right...
Okay.
Now, let's see, that
would have been on Sunday,
because ever since Monday,
things have been a bit,
uh, messy around here.
Yeah. Your aunt, of
course, was Monday.
And then, oh Lord,
first thing Tuesday,
it was Mitch McDonald.
And then Wednesday
was Burt Burgerson.
And then Nancy Risoli.
But there aren't any cobras
in Maine, I mean, are there?
Well, there was the one.
No, every day since Monday,
at least one Casco
local has just... poof!
Sometimes two or three or four
or even five Casco
locals have just poof...
- Right. OK.
- And poof and poof!
Great, yeah, yeah, no, I get it.
Could we look at the other
closet? It's this way, I think.
Absolutely, follow me.
Poof!
You're f*cking twins?
You know, my mother
used to always say
whenever there was a plane crash
or a school bus going
off into the river
and mass fatalities
or what have you...
She used to always say,
"Looks like God's
bowling strikes tonight."
Oh, that's odd.
I don't remember locking this.
Hey, you wouldn't
happen to remember
if my aunt had a wind-up
toy monkey at the yard sale?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Oh, not a cherished childhood
memory, now, was it?
Oh, a first little furry friend
filled with whimsy and wonder?
No, it's no big deal. Thanks.
Okay.
Nope, not
that one.
How are we
doing with that key?
Oh... Don't you
worry your pretty little head.
Oh mercy, did I
say that out loud?
Watch out!
You are pretty, though.
- Oh!
- You know what?
- I think we should go down...
- It looks like I did
my own little process
of elimination!
No, no, no!
Everything
okay up there?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Oh, f*ck.
And you
were just standing there,
hands to yourself,
is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And you knew there was a g*n
in the house, or not so much?
Uh, no.
Okay.
I'm gonna have to ask
you don't leave town
until we can figure
a few things out.
What? No, no, no, officer.
I promised my son that
I was gonna take him
- to Horror Heaven.
- Actually, officer,
we moved off going
to Horror Heaven.
This is obviously
far more important.
- Smart kid.
- Hmm.
Find a motel.
I'd say stay here, but it's
a g*dd*mn mess in there.
I mean, have you
actually been up there?
It's like that restaurant...
Spaghetti City.
Hey, bud, you
wanna go wait in the car?
Yeah, that's your favorite thing
for me to do anyway, isn't it?
Just stay away.
They're
bringing the body out!
Let's go, Casco!
Let's go, Casco! Let's go!
Hello?
Hal Shelborn,
please, if he's available.
- Bill?
- Thank goodness.
And Petey? Is he available, too?
Yeah, look, we're
fine, but, um...
The monkey's not here.
Aunt Ida had a g*dd*mn yard
sale, so it could've been,
but now it could be
anywhere with anyone.
Well, that's
not good. That's bad.
Yeah, there's all kinds
of sh*t happening in town,
people dying in not normal ways.
Police told me I can't leave.
Go to the
motel. Await my signal.
Await your f*cking signal?!
Wait, Bill, where are you?
Bill, are you living in town?
Stupid.
Shelborn,
Shelborn... Argh. Nope.
"Mrs. Monkey"?
Hello.
If this is in regards to my ad,
I'm happy to report
that my quest
for finding my beloved
toy monkey is over.
Thank you for calling
and be safe out there.
At the very moment
you slipped from my fingers,
I suddenly knew the terrible
truth about everything.
That my dumbshit brother
had turned your key
and k*lled my mom.
So I went back to
get you as soon as I could.
But you were gone.
Leaving behind a sign
for me and only me.
That one day, you'd be back.
And so I waited.
And for the longest time,
there was nothing.
A hundred percent, pure,
medical-grade nothingness.
But then...
there you were.
Suddenly, everywhere
I looked, you were there.
Oh, f*ck!
As constant as the sun,
the moon, and the stars.
As if you had always
been looking down on me.
Letting me know what I had
always wanted to be true.
That you'd come back to
help me seek my revenge.
I returned to the places
where I thought you might be.
Foolishly believing that I
could make you appear again.
f*ck.
That it was I who
might find you again.
So I made myself
ready for your return.
Reworking my old
childhood funeral suit
in anticipation of...
more funerals.
And so that I might once again
bear witness to
your terrible glory.
f*ck!
So I looked, and
behold, a pale horse,
and his name that
sat on him was Death.
Mrs. Monkey.
And now, here we are.
Together at last.
With only one thing left to do.
In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming
sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air
and smite the right person.
And I know you know exactly
who I'm talking about.
sh*t, man, that sucks.
sh*t, man, that sucks! Ah!
What?
Um, uh, it's Ricky.
What is it?
I'm extremely busy.
Okay, yeah, so...
I hope this isn't weird,
but I was wondering,
you know, if maybe I could
give you your 15 bucks back
and instead I could just
keep the toy monkey thing.
It's not a toy, don't
ever call it that.
Right, yeah, no, I
thought the same thing too.
It just sort of makes
me think about my dad,
which I know is kind
of a weird thing
for, like, a guy to say,
like, to another guy.
Does it hurt very much
when you think, Ricky?
- Well...
- "Uh... Well, well..."
Did you know that 27% of
all English-speaking people
will either say, "oh, sh*t" or
"holy sh*t" before they die?
Now it's funny, because death
is the one big thing
that'll happen to all of us,
and yet we still can't help
but be somehow surprised by it.
Right on, man.
So anyway,
I saw your brother.
He looks like you.
With that's, like, uh...
that's, like, your
nephew then, huh?
What if Petey
turned the key?
So... so, can I have it back?
Never. I employed
you to find the monkey,
not to fall in love with it.
Now f*ck off.
f*ck you...
Hey, Ma, are you home or
are you at the factory?
Lousy deadbeat.
Yo, Beauchamps!
You got any extra b*ll*ts?
What caliber?
Hey, you still got some
of Barbara's blood on you.
Yeah.
Accidents happen.
Can I ask you a question?
Ha ha.
Uh, nope.
You ever k*lled a man?
I...
Jesus.
Does Mom know?
No, I haven't k*lled anybody.
Of course I haven't
k*lled anybody.
Look, when we get back to the
motel, I'm gonna call your mom
and I'm gonna tell
her what happened.
She'll think I'm not
safe to be around and...
she'll be right.
So Ted will just adopt me and...
you'll never have
to see me again?
You're better off
with Ted, all right?
Believe me.
f*ck you, man.
Hey, Petey...
Well, I'm here if you need me.
You just do your
thing in the bathroom, okay?
And if you wanna have a talk,
we can have a proper
talk, all right, buddy?
Yes?
It's me. You
have it, don't you?
I don't know, maybe.
Come on,
Bill, Mrs. Monkey?
I know you are, but what am I?
Stop turning the key!
Its arms aren't f*cking long
enough or articulate enough
to reach back there
itself, so somebody has to.
And also, no.
Jesus f*cking
Christ, Bill,
these are innocent people.
Look, I... I don't
care about me.
All that matters is that Petey
is safe, so stop turning it.
If you want me to
stop turning the key,
bring Petey to me so
he can turn it instead.
What? No. Why?
The person who
turns the key never dies.
You've known that since we
were kids, haven't you, Hal?
What?
What are you talking about?
Where are you, Bill?
If you want
Petey to be safe,
all Petey has to
do is turn the key
and keep turning the key
forever and ever and ever,
and Petey will never die.
Listen to me,
Bill, all right?
Let me get Petey out of here,
then we'll talk, all right?
We'll figure out
what we're gonna do.
Either I keep turning
the key or Petey turns the key.
Call me back when you
made your decision.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Bill, Bi...
f*ck!
Hey, Petey? Petey?
Hey, Petey?
Hey, buddy, we
gotta go, all right?
I gotta take you
back to your mom's.
Petey, open the door! Come on!
Petey!
Petey, open the door!
Come on, we gotta go right now!
Jesus Christ.
Don't have a heart attack.
Or do, you know? You want
out of my life so bad,
it might just be
a nice shortcut.
Petey, what the f*ck? Why
didn't you answer the door?
Why do you care? Why
would you even have a kid
if all you're gonna do is just
keep yourself away from me?
I didn't exactly know what
I was doing, all right?
I was just a stupid, dumb kid.
So I was an accident? Is
that what you're saying?
Everything is an accident, yes.
Wow, nice one.
Great to hear.
I... That's not what I...
Yes, it was an accident, Petey.
But you are not a mistake.
I'm so glad you're here with me.
You're very precious to me.
But that's why I stay
away, because I...
I come with all sorts
of weird baggage,
and I don't want you to
have to deal with that.
- Like what?
- Like...
Bad stuff, Petey, like...
like evil stuff.
Stuff I got from my dad, and I
don't want to pass it on to you.
What are you talking
about? Like what?
Like...
Hold on.
Open up, it's the
m*therf*cking police!
All right, all right.
Shut up! Shut up and hands up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Just relax, all right?
- Sh, sh!
- Just relax, relax.
- Get the keys.
- What?
- COME ON!
- Okay, okay!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right.
We're gonna go for a
little drive, okay?
Okay, all right.
All right, stop here.
Where are we?
Huh?
Where are we?
That's your brother's house!
Or his fortress.
Don't pretend like you
don't know where we are!
I don't know, all right?
We're, you know,
we're estranged.
- Ah, sh*t, man, that sucks.
- Thanks.
- Shut up!
- Okay.
You, you go inside,
you make nice with your
uncle, you get me the monkey.
- And you bring it out, okay?
- What monkey?
It's... It's got
a little red vest,
and it holds a
drum, and I need it.
Why does this guy know
about a monkey and I don't?
He doesn't know about it
and he's not going in there.
It's a toy monkey?
Don't call
it that, all right?
It's not. It's...
It's evil.
It's basically the
devil, all right?
It's a toy monkey.
I was gonna tell you when
you were older, okay?
You've been a g*dd*mn deadbeat
dad because of a toy monkey?
What the f*ck?
Hey, language, and yes, but
that's why we have to get
as far away from this
place as possible.
Seriously, kid, you gotta hope
you get that g*dd*mn monkey,
because I'm gonna
sh**t this guy.
All right, just let me
go in there with him.
- Please.
- No!
There is a
doggy door around back,
and your kid better hope that
he's scrawny enough to fit.
You don't call the
cops or do anything.
You get in there, you
get me the monkey,
or I swear I'm gonna sh**t you
both, like, a lot of times.
He's not going in there.
- Shut up!
- All right.
Go.
Hal...
this is some f*cked up sh*t.
I know.
So whatever you do,
don't turn the key
in the monkey's back.
Okay, okay!
f*ck...
f*ck.
Huh.
Kinda cool... I guess.
You're not really
a cop, are you?
Shut up! Of course not.
I hate cops.
My dad was a cop.
Still is, for all I know.
You know, my mom said he
was out chasing p*ssy,
but I'm all like, there's
p*ssy here in town, you know?
- Yeah, I know.
- But whatever.
He left.
And that's why I hate cops.
But also they're cops, you know?
Which is the best
reason to hate cops.
What the f*ck?
Uh...
What the hell is
that doing there?
Hit it with your brights.
Hit it with my brights, okay.
Oh, gross! Shut it off!
- Okay!
- Shut it off!
I'm shutting it off. Jesus!
In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming
sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air and
strike the right person
and only the right person.
Uncle Bill?
Petey.
What a nice surprise.
- You okay?
- Who, me?
Yeah.
You.
It's been a long time since
anyone's asked me that.
Now that you mention it...
No.
I'm not okay.
This was my favorite
toy from childhood.
It's supposed to play the
drums, but I think it's stuck.
Could you fix it for me?
It was your
grandfather's, you know.
He brought it home
from one of his trips.
He was a pilot.
He was a Petey too.
Did you know that?
- Hal never tells me anything.
- No, of course, he doesn't.
So this is it then, huh?
The thing that
messed everyone up?
How could it?
It's just a toy.
Why don't you try
turning it, hmm?
Probably just needs
a different touch.
There.
Turning the key is
just simply something
the Shelborn men have been
doing for generations.
It's a... A tradition,
if you will.
But if it's not for you,
then it's not for you.
What does it do?
Turn the key.
See what happens.
You want me to back up?
No! Don't f*cking move.
Hey, okay. Okay.
Is it working?
Man, this stupid cop hat!
It's crazy itchy.
What?
Jesus f*cking Christ!
Let's be careful with
that p*stol, huh?
Yeah.
- Totally.
- Yeah. Right.
f*ck.
Uh...
Holy sh*t!
- sh*t! sh*t!
- Oh!
Jesus Christ! f*ck!
f*ck! Jesus!
f*ck!
f*ck!
What the f*ck?!
f*ck.
PETEY, WHERE ARE YOU?!
- Dad!
- Petey!
Turn it again.
Turn the g*dd*mn key right now!
What? No!
Then give me the
f*cking monkey!
That's it!
I'm not asking nicely anymore.
Do it. k*ll him.
k*ll my dumb sh*t
brother, and do it now!
God... damn you!
Strike the g*dd*mn drum!
God-f*cking...
I command you!
f*ck.
Godd... Will you, please?
g*dd*mn it!
Godd...
How are you so g*dd*mn strong?
Hey!
Huh? Petey!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Ah, thank God. Come on.
God... damn it!
What did I do wrong?
Are you mad at me?
What is that?
Jesus Christ!
Ah! Godd...!
What the...
Bill.
f*ck. The drumstick's
still up, Petey.
Hello, dumbshit.
That's all you can say at a
time like this, you f*ck?!
Dumbshit's what you are.
f*ck... You f*ck!
Jesus Christ, Bill.
You were really trying
to k*ll me, weren't you?
Of course I was.
That's what all this
carnage was for, huh?
You could've k*lled Petey!
You could've k*lled
my f*cking son!
For what? Why?
'Cause you k*lled my mom.
And I know you
wanted to k*ll me.
But the g*dd*mn thing doesn't
take requests, obviously.
I've been turning the key
with you in mind for days.
Nothing.
Listen, Bill.
It's not my fault.
It wasn't anybody's fault.
None of us deserved
what happened to us.
We just happened
to be there when it did.
Mommy?
I'm sorry, Bill.
But I guess I gotta go now.
Everybody dies,
and that's life.
I'm sorry your mom died.
It f*cking sucks.
I know how you feel.
She was my mom, too.
Oh, yeah.
I guess she was.
Never thought
about it like that.
Innocent
mistake, I guess.
Sure.
Makes sense, though, you know.
We're brothers.
Twins.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I wish we could have
been there for each other
when we were kids.
But we're here now.
What do you say, Bill?
Brothers again?
Sure.
Nah...
I'm sorry.
So what, you two are on some
kind of road trip or something?
Yeah.
A kind of...
father-son road trip, right?
Cool.
I would like to have done that
with somebody at least once.
So come with us.
Jesus!
f*ck.
So Uncle Bill pretty much
wiped out half the town
where you grew up, huh?
Yeah.
I mean, I get
that everybody dies,
and that's life, but...
it's just, like, everybody dies,
you know, at the same time.
So, uh...
what do you want to do now?
I guess we gotta figure out what
we're gonna do with the monkey.
We keep it close.
We accept that it's ours...
and we hold on tight.
Hey, I just got an idea of
what we should do right now.
Let's go dancing.
- Dancing?
- Yeah.
Like,
with our bodies?
Where did that sh*t come from?
It comes from your grandmother.
From Lois.
Cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
Let me tell you
'bout a place
Somewhere up-a New York way
Where the people are so g*y
Twistin' the night away
Here they have a lot of fun
Puttin' trouble on the run
Man, you find
the old and young
Twistin' the night away
They're twistin', twistin'
Everybody's feelin' great
They're twistin', twistin'
They're twistin'
the night away
Here's a man in
evening clothes
How he got here,
I don't know but
Man you oughta see him go
Twistin' the night away
He's dancin' with
a chick in slacks
She's movin' up and back
Oh, man, there
ain't nothin' like
Twistin' the night away
They're twistin', twistin'
Everybody's feelin' great
They're twistin', twistin'
They're twistin' the
night Let's twist a while
Lean up
Lean back
Lean up
Lean back
Watusi
Now fly
Now twist
They're twistin'
the night away
Here's a fella
in blue jeans
Dancin' with an older queen
Who's dolled up in
her diamond rings
And twistin' the night away
Man, you oughta see her go
Twistin' to the
rock and roll
Here you find
the young and old
Twistin' the night away
They're twistin',
twistin', man
Everybody's feelin' great
They're twistin', twistin'
They're twistin' the night
One more time
Lean up
Lean back
Lean up
Lean back
Watusi
Now fly
Now twist
sh*t, man, that sucks.
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Monkey, The (2025)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters