Haunted Forest, The (2025)

[bunniefuu]

My lover

- Are you sure this

is the best place?

Isn't this near where they

found all those bodies?

- Sweetheart, the

only body I'm thinkin'

about right now is yours.

- Come on, Todd, I'm serious.

- So am I.

I've been thinkin'

about you all day,

and exactly what

I am gonna do to you.

- Come on, Todd.

I'm not messing around.

- Oh, you're not?

- Hm-mm.

- Isn't that what we

came here to do?

- I just think we could

be more comfortable

at my parents' place.

- Your parents are nosy.

- They just want

what's best for me.

- I know what's best

for you, baby girl.

- My God, you're impossible.

I'm trying to have like an

actual conversation here.

- Sweetie, I'm

listening to you, okay?

I really am.

If what you really want is for

us to drive all the way back

to your parents so they can

make us some chamomile tea

and probably grill me

about my college plans,

then that,

is exactly,

what,

we'll do.

Well?

- I guess we can stay

for a little longer.

- That's my girl.

- What was that?

- I don't know.

- Okay, can you go

and check it out?

- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

And there's a home

over your head

- And that's

what made Jane Austen

such a revolutionary

force in literature.

She brought a level of

psychological realism,

not to mention physical

realism to the English novel

that really had no parallel

in the writers who

came before her.

In this sense, we could argue

that Jane Austen invented

the English novel and the

modern novel as we know it.

We'll get into more

detail on this next week.

Please read chapters

five through eight.

Have a great weekend.

- This is

DJ Coronary,

and that was "Medianoche"

by a Dark Lunch.

It's Friday, October 3rd,

which makes it exactly

four weeks until Halloween.

- Who's ready to get scary?

All right!

All right, that's

what we like to hear!

Now, I know you've all

been working really hard,

getting ready for tonight.

You are tired,

you're stressed out,

you probably still

have a few things

to get done before we

open at eight p.m. sharp.

So I'm gonna keep this brief,

but I do just

wanna take a moment

to remind ourselves

why we're here.

What are we doing here?

What is this about?

This ground that we're standing

on right now is sacred ground.

And some would say cursed,

but I don't see it that way.

300 years ago, there was

a m*ssacre right here.

400 Piscataway Indians

were slaughtered

by enraged white settlers.

This kind of thing happened

all too often in the early days

of this country

because of greed,

because of hatred,

because of ignorance.

And those spirits

are not at rest.

Those victims still

cry out at night.

I hear them.

You guys know I live

less than 100 yards away.

I'm telling you, I hear

those ghosts at night.

Sometimes they keep me

up into the wee hours.

So yeah, we're running

a business here.

We are entertainers.

People come out for the night

from D.C., from Baltimore.

They wanna have a good time,

they wanna have a good burger,

and they wanna get good and

scared, and that's great.

That's all great.

But I like to think we're

also here to honor the dead.

To be their voice when they

can't speak for themselves.

So let's just, let's

keep that in mind

as we go about our

duties, all right?

Let's be safe, let's have fun,

and let's scare the sh*t

outta some people, am I right?

- Woo!

- Ow!

- All right, you all

know your assignments,

so let's get into

makeup and get set.

You have two hours. Go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yo, yo, yo, cousin!

- Yes.

- When'd you get here?

How was the drive?

- Good, man, good.

I'm really happy to be here.

- Oh, happy to

have you, brother.

Happy to have you.

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

- Yeah, thanks a

lot for just like,

letting me come here and-

- Listen, don't thank me, okay?

Don't thank me.

You're gonna work your a*s off.

You'll be cursin' my name

before the night's out.

- I doubt it.

- You good, man?

You need anything?

- Just point me in

the right direction.

- Oh, sure thing, yeah.

Hey, Jacko?

- Yeah?

- Can you show Fresh Meat here

where he gets his face done?

- Yeah, sure.

Just follow me.

- Just follow Jacko.

He'll get you situated.

- All right.

Come to me if you

need anything, okay?

All right, thanks man.

- Sure thing.

So good to see you, I'll

see you back at the house.

- Hey.

- Hi.

So you're Mark's cousin?

- Yeah. Zach.

- I'm Jacko.

Nice to meet you.

- You've been doin' this awhile?

- Oh, about 15 years.

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

I was here when

Mark started this place

many moons ago.

- Anything I should

know about it?

- It's a blast, man.

Just relax and enjoy yourself.

This is a magical place.

- Is it true about the

m*ssacre and everything?

- I doubt it.

Mark likes to tell stories.

- So, you've never

seen a ghost here?

- Well, no, I didn't say that.

Through the morning rain

I thought they

were gone again

Get in line, muchacho.

This is where the magic happens.

It's Halloween

It's Halloween for you

- You ever been a

walking skeleton before?

- Not that I can remember.

- You're

gonna love it.

Wait till you see.

- So, how long have

you worked here?

- A couple years.

- Do you go to school

around here or?

- Yeah, I did.

Kinda takin' a couple years

off before I go to college.

- That's smart,

consider your options.

- Exactly.

Do you go to school around here?

- Yeah, I'm at Philips-Howard.

I'm a senior.

- Philips-Howard, is that...

That's a boarding school, right?

- Yeah.

- What are you, rich?

- No, just smart.

- Well, I guess that's

the next best thing.

All right, let's take a look.

You like it?

- It's like I'm looking at the

real me for the first time.

- I'll take that as

a yes.

All right, next customer.

It's nice to meet you, Zach.

- Yeah, you too.

- Okay, so this spot

is pretty simple.

You're gonna hide

behind the scarecrow,

jump out and scare people.

If someone seems a little

nervous, definitely target them.

You can also kinda walk along

beside them, get too close.

That freaks 'em out sometimes.

You don't need to say anything.

It's usually scarier

if you don't.

Any last questions?

- When will I know when

it's time to leave?

- Oh, someone will

come find you.

Don't worry about it.

All right, have fun.

See you after.

- Thanks, man.

See you soon.

- Jesus man, what are

you supposed to be?

Aw, I think he wants

to be friends.

Hey, nice meetin' you, man.

- I really wanna

get outta here.

- Oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

- Trisha, don't be such a wuss.

- Did you see that guy?

He's f*cking creepy!

Oh!

Yo, Jesus, man!

Oh, absolutely not.

Oh, f*ck!

- Come on guys, are

we open or what?

Hm.

Guess they forgot about me.

Uh, hello?

Do you know if we're

closed or what?

I just left my station.

I was told somebody

would come and get me.

Hey, look, I'm a scarer too,

so, you don't have to scare me.

I mean, I'm not scared,

so just cut it out.

Okay, seriously, this

isn't funny, man.

I know you're just

another staff member,

so if you could please--

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I can't help it.

We do that to all the new staff.

- Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.

I wasn't that scared.

- You were f*ck' terrified.

- Okay, yeah, I was

terrified.

- Here, come on.

Let's get a beer.

- All right.

- You have a

good time tonight?

- Great time.

It's amazing.

- Scare some people?

- Actually, yes.

- You honor the ghosts?

- I think so. Yeah.

- Good, man.

To the dead.

- To the dead.

- She's single.

That's what I heard.

- A little too old

for me, you think?

- Hm. No, no, no.

You need an older woman.

Keep you in line.

Here, let's go talk to her.

Come on.

- Wait, hey, you

don't need too--

- No, come on, come on.

- Hey, newbie.

How was your first night?

- Best night of my life.

- Oh, that's what

we like to hear.

- Sarah, you know my

cousin Zach, right?

- Do I know him?

I'm the reason he

looks so terrifying.

- I actually think

it's an improvement.

Hey, Jacko, you got a second?

- Yeah.

- I wanna talk to you about

that swooping skeleton.

- Oh yeah. Okay.

This is a tricky one.

If you don't push too hard

on the lever, it's fine.

If you do, it gathers

too much speed.

Honestly, it's a

tough thing to fix

because that motor

only has two speeds.

- Didn't know you

were Mark's cousin.

- You don't see the resemblance?

- Now that you mention it, no.

- Hey, I like your necklace.

- Oh, thank you.

- Does it mean something or?

- Yeah.

It's a Native American charm.

It's supposed to help you

commune with the spirits.

- Does it work?

- You'd be surprised.

The light's getting dim

So that's it?

You're all outta questions.

- No, no, no, I have a question.

- Okay.

- What...

what terrifies you?

- That's kind of an

intense question.

- I guess I'm kind of intense.

- It's not the worst thing.

Spiders.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

They're f*cking terrifying.

- But they're so tiny.

- Well, fears aren't

rational, Zach.

- Well, some are, aren't they?

- You're very deep.

- I like to think so.

- Okay, what about you?

- Werewolves.

What, what, what?

That's totally rational.

- Oh no, you're right.

You're totally right.

Very scary.

- f*cking terrifying.

- All right, well, if you

protect me from spiders,

I'll protect you

from werewolves.

- It's a deal.

Keep your head up

- How'd it go?

- Jesus.

You scared the crap outta me.

- Sorry.

- What are you doing

standing there in the dark?

- I got good night vision.

I usually don't think

to turn on a light.

So ,

how'd it go with Sarah?

- I think well.

Yeah, we just talked.

- No smooching?

- No.

- Oh, that's too bad.

Thought there might've

been some smooching.

- No, no, no.

We just, we had a

really good talk.

She's really cool.

- She is cool.

And hot and cool.

You could do a lot worse.

- Yeah, we'll see, you know?

We'll see.

- Amen to that, brother.

You should get some

sleep, all right?

Make sure you turn the

lights off when you come up.

- There's still no light on.

- It's a joke, compadre.

- I get it.

- Sleep well.

Good morning, cousin.

How'd you sleep?

- Like the dead.

- Well, that's appropriate.

You remember Susie, don't you?

- Hey, Zach.

It's good to see you.

- It's good to see you.

Yo, thank you so much for

letting me crash here.

- It's no problem.

We're happy to have you.

Girls, you remember

your cousin, Zach?

- Hey, Zach.

- Hey, Maddie.

You look a lot bigger than

the last time I saw you.

- I grew two inches

in the last year.

- That is awesome.

- I'm gonna be taller than Mom.

- Not for a few more

years.

- I know.

- What are you watchin'?

- Something she shouldn't

be watching at

the kitchen table.

- I told you, I'm almost done.

- Mm hm.

- Wait,

is this one of those

like housewives shows?

- That's Ashley Delaso.

She's really pretty.

- Like you

look ridiculous right now.

Yep, real classy.

Mm hm.

- Doesn't seem

very nice, though.

- She's just speaking her truth.

- Hey, yo, cousin, you

want a breakfast sandwich?

- Yes, please.

- You want ham, bacon, both?

- Both, please.

Thank you.

- You got it.

- So, how's your mom doing?

- She's...

Yeah, she's okay.

Better.

They think she might be able

to come home in a couple months.

- Well, that's good.

You know, you're welcome to

stay here anytime you want.

- Thanks, I really

appreciate it.

- Honestly, it's no trouble.

Right, girls?

- It's really not.

We're happy to have you.

- Thanks, Maddie.

That's...

Thanks.

- My pleasure.

- All right, ladies and germs.

Let's eat.

- Oh.

- Let's see.

No, no cheese?

No cheese. There you go.

- Thank you, honey.

- Thank you.

- Of course.

- How was that?

- That was good.

Yeah, I think you're

gettin' the hang of it.

I'll let you send

just a couple more

and then I think you're

good to go without me.

All right, step right up, sir.

Here we go, here we go.

And you're gonna step up there.

My boy Zach can

take it from here.

- Hey, there.

- Whew.

- All right.

- You're the trainee?

- Yes, sir.

- So, should I be worried?

- No, man, we got you.

- All right then.

Let's do this.

- All right, whenever

you're ready, sir,

you can go ahead and step out.

- Has anyone ever

died doing this?

- None so far tonight.

- All right then, here I go.

Whoa!

- Who's that talking to Mark?

- Oh, sh*t.

Hey, you good to

run this on your own?

- Yeah, I'm...

Yeah.

- Okay, great.

Have fun.

- No, no.

- You know what you did.

You know what you did.

You come here, you

steal our stuff.

You're not allowed to be here.

- I'm a little bit scared.

- It's okay, it's

okay to be scared.

This cable can hold

up a cow, though.

Seriously.

We've tried it.

- Really?

- I swear to God, we got cows

comin' down here all the time.

Here, lemme just

clip you in here.

- I agree, we don't

need to have it anymore.

Go, go.

- I'm not sure

I wanna do this.

- You got this, bud.

You'll be fine.

You feel that cable?

It's not goin' anywhere, okay?

- Can you just push me?

- You want me to?

- Yes, please.

- All right, here we go.

Have fun.

- Wait, I wasn't ready!

- Compadre.

How was the zip line?

Any casualties?

- Couple of near heart attacks.

Other than that.

- Excellent, good work.

We're gonna put you on

something else tomorrow.

I want you to try everything

before the month is out.

- Hey, what was that issue?

Earlier on, you were

talkin' to someone.

You and Jacko both

seemed a little upset.

- Oh, that was...

It's nothin'.

It's just a guy we

don't like very much.

You can ask Jacko about it.

I'm gonna go get a beer.

- Hey, man.

How'd the zip line go?

- Actually, really well.

We only lost a couple people.

- Oh, it happens, yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry I

had to ditch ya.

I saw Mark talkin' to the enemy.

I thought I should intervene

before it came to blows.

- Who is the enemy?

- Oh, just some jackass

who used to work here.

We call him Captain Ahab

because he limps everywhere

and he's also bitter and crazy.

He works for Phantom Wood now

but he's always

snoopin' around tryin'

to steal our ideas

and our staff.

- Wait, what is Phantom Wood?

- You don't know?

It's our rival haunt.

They call it Phantom Wood

because The Haunted

Forest was already taken

but they've been ripping off

everything we've done for years.

Like imitation is flattery,

but these guys, they're

not even good at imitation

and their haunt sucks.

It just sucks.

Mark thinks it makes

us look bad too.

What really sucks is I

used to like that guy.

We were kayaking

buddies and he was good.

Like, really good.

And then he took a bad

swim below Great Falls,

got pretty banged up on

some rocks on the way down.

Had to have like 19 pins

put into his right knee.

That's why he limps.

And it totally changed him.

He blamed me.

He blamed Mark.

He blamed everyone but himself.

Anyway, it's

not worth dwelling on.

Hey um, you should find Sarah.

She's lookin' for you.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

- Okay.

I guess I'll go find her.

- Yeah, do that.

- But with

the rising of the moon,

the scene changes.

Shadows race across the

gravestones, like living things.

A breeze stirs in the

trees beyond the railings,

and something deeply buried

begins to stir to

life once more.

- This movie's

gonna put me to sleep.

- It gets good, I promise.

- I don't believe you.

I'm gonna make coffee.

- Seriously?

It's 9:30.

- Yeah, and I know you.

We're gonna finish the movie

and you're gonna wanna

stay up to talk about it,

so if I don't get

caffeine in my system

in the next 10 minutes,

I'm literally going--

- Did you get the question...

That doesn't look like biology.

- Sure, it is.

Zombies.

Biology.

- You know this test

is in a week, right?

- Yes, I do.

- Zach?

Zach, look at me.

Look, you've always

been a space case,

but this is getting ridiculous.

Where is your head at?

What's goin' on?

- It's hard to explain.

- Try me.

- It's this haunted forest thing

you know that I've been doing

on the weekends.

- Mm hm.

- It just seems so

much more exciting,

interesting and real

than being here.

- Dressing like a zombie

and running around chasing

people is more real than school?

- I mean, kind of.

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, this place is amazing.

It's like a whole

carnival of death.

- And that's a good thing?

- I like it.

- Yeah, but you're a weirdo.

- Always have been.

- Mm.

Okay, I'll make you a deal.

Gimme 20 minutes.

The next 20 minutes, I

quiz you, you quiz me,

and if you can

give me 20 minutes

of unadulterated

studying without drawing,

then I will let you pick the

movie that we watch tonight.

- Any movie?

- Just don't give me nightmares

for the rest of my life.

- No promises.

- I hate you.

Okay, wait, let me find

the chapter to quiz you on.

Okay, no wait.

The...

Okay, so this is a rough

endoplasmic reticulum,

and these structures

are ribosomes.

- Ladies and

goblins, girls and ghouls,

don't forget to pick up your

tickets to the Trail of Doom.

Try the cotton candy

at the Witch's Hut.

We are not allowed to

reveal the ingredients.

Let's just say

none of it is legal

and you eat it at your

own risk.

- You see how that works?

Obviously with no chain on it,

it's completely harmless.

Yeah, it feels a little

weird but other than that...

Normally we just

chase people around.

We don't actually

touch 'em with it.

But if you're bored, feel free.

It does usually get

a good reaction.

Any questions?

- Yeah, where do

you keep the chains?

- That's on

a need to know basis.

You good?

- Yeah.

- Kick a*s.

- All right.

- You're a

little jumpy, new guy.

- Serves me right.

I've been doing that

to people all night.

- Ah, turnabout's

fair play they say.

- Do they say that?

Who says that?

- I don't know, old people.

Hey, can I show you something?

- Is it something terrifying?

- Of course.

- Then lead on.

Well, so far I'm not terrified.

- Close your eyes.

Do you feel it?

- I'm not sure.

- This is the burial ground.

The 400 Piscataway Indians,

men, women, and children.

They were shot, hanged

and cut into pieces.

They were all buried in

a mass grave right here.

- But Jacko said

that story was bullshit.

- Jacko doesn't know everything.

- Well, I'm sure that's true.

- I come out here sometimes.

Just to...

kinda...

be...

with the spirits.

I don't know if that's

too strange or...

- No, it's nice.

- We actually have a group.

It's kind of a

little club, I guess.

We get together

sometimes and meditate

and do traditional chanting.

Try to make a connection, you

know, with the other side.

I don't know if that's something

you'd be interested in, but--

- No, yes, absolutely.

Sign me up.

- Hey, close your eyes again.

- Why?

- It's a trust exercise.

Don't you trust me?

- Should I trust you?

- Just give it a shot.

- Okay.

Well, I'm glad I trusted you.

- Told you it was worth a shot.

- Thank you all for coming

to this unscheduled meeting.

A lot of you have

probably heard already

about what we found on

the zip line this morning.

Those of you that

haven't, Jacko was...

Jacko was found dead.

At this point we don't

know what happened

or how it happened.

He was hanging

from the zip line.

It's not clear whether this

was an accident or if...

Yeah, we don't know.

Obviously, we're

cooperating with the police.

I've spoken with Jacko's family

who were obviously devastated.

If any of you know anything

about what Jacko

might've been thinking

or about anything at all,

please do not hesitate to

come find me and talk to me.

This is a terrible time for

all of us here at The Forest.

Jacko worked here

for a long time.

He was one of our

best employees.

He put his heart and

soul into this place,

and we are gonna do

everything we can

to honor him in

the weeks to come.

And if any of you

are are struggling

to process this in any way,

please know that we

will be here for you.

Okay?

So look, I hesitate

to even bring this up

on a day when so many of us

are shocked and grieving,

but we do have to think

about the good of The Forest.

So please, if a member of

the press approaches you,

no comment.

All media inquiries

should go to the office.

They should be official.

They should not be handled

by individual staff members.

The last thing we need are a lot

of unkind rumors swirling

around this place.

Jacko would not

have wanted that.

We don't want that.

Until we have a better sense

of what happened

and how it happened,

let's please just keep this

in the family, all right?

Does anyone have any questions?

Does anyone have anything

they would like to add?

Okay, let's get to work.

Show must go on.

You doin' all right?

- Yeah, I'm just stunned.

- Me too, man.

Me too.

- You okay?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't really

know him that well,

but he seemed like

a really good guy.

- He was.

- I can't even imagine

how it could've--

- Don't laugh.

- Why would I laugh?

- I think it was them.

- Who?

- The spirits.

They don't want us here, Zach.

This is their land and

they want it back.

- It was the hardest thing

getting through the weekend.

It didn't seem like fun anymore.

Like every scene we do is

about death in some way.

It's supposed to be this like

fun, campy version of death.

But after what happened,

I just don't know

if I can do it anymore.

- Yeah, man, I hear you.

- I am sorry, Zach.

Did we wake you?

- Sorry, I just...

Sorry.

- Try and get some better

sleep at night, okay?

- Yeah, I will.

- Saved by the bell.

- Dude, is it true one of

your coworkers f*cking died?

- I heard the guy

hanged himself.

Is that true?

That's nasty.

- I'm really not supposed

to talk about it.

- Did he get a b*ner?

I heard when you hang

yourself, you get a b*ner.

- That's probably the only

way you can get a b*ner.

- Dude, shut the f*ck up.

- Okay, break it up.

Go play with your lacrosse

sticks or something.

- You can play with

mine anytime, Carly.

- I'd rather die.

- Dude, she totally

just told you off.

- Shut the f*ck up.

- Are you okay?

- I am absolutely fantastic.

- I'm really sorry, Zach.

- It's okay.

I'm okay, really.

- Maybe...

maybe you should take some time

off from The Haunted Forest?

- Honestly, I don't

think they're gonna

run it this weekend.

They tried to keep it quiet,

but it's all over the news.

I think it might be smart to

just shut it down for awhile.

Like, who would go

to a haunted forest

where people actually die?

This is DJ Coronary,

bringing you the latest track

from Grammy nominated breakout

star Fly the Freak-Nasty.

The song is called

"Halloween Freak."

- I can't believe this.

- Yeah, who would've thought?

Death sells.

Halloween

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

Halloween freak

- It's amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

It's the best night we've

had in years, maybe ever.

Is it the best night

we've had ever?

And not just the numbers, right?

The whole atmosphere.

Did you guys feel it?

It was like electricity.

People were stoked to be there.

What a feeling.

What a night!

- Doesn't it bother you?

Like the morbid curiosity?

Like, if Jacko hadn't--

- No, I know, I know, I know.

Believe me, I hear you.

And of course, it bothers me.

But this is the deal.

We are fascinated by death.

We just are.

That's why The Forest is

here in the first place.

That's why Halloween,

that's why all of it.

It's part of how we process

the reality of death.

We make a joke out of it.

Helps us feel like

we're in control.

- Have you heard anything

new from the cops?

Like, what do they

think happened?

- I don't know.

I should call them.

I've been a little

wrapped up in the...

I should call them.

I'm gonna get some shuteye.

Sleep well you crazy kids.

- You too, man.

See you tomorrow.

- Goodnight.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Are you okay?

- I'm okay.

We should probably get to bed.

- Absolutely.

- Ancestors of

the Piscataway,

those we have wronged,

those whose lands

we have stolen,

we ask you in all humility,

and with every sense

of our unworthiness

to guide our brother,

Jacko Fitzgerald,

into the dark lands

beyond this one

where he may be safe from

the pain of this world.

Forgive him his sins,

and let him not fall into

the places of torment.

We ask this in your mercy.

We pray that you will reward

us, not as we deserve,

but as we ask.

What'd you think?

Too weird?

- No, it was really interesting.

- Interesting can

mean anything, Zach.

- Yeah, you're right.

It's just, I was

a little behind.

Like, clearly you guys have

been doing this for awhile.

I just have some

catching up to do.

- Well, you'll just

have to come back.

- Oh, definitely.

Yeah, definitely.

- Okay, I shouldn't do this yet,

but,

this is your badge

if you really want

to be part of it.

- No, I do.

Yeah, I do.

- Pin it to your

clothes ,

anywhere people can see it.

It's a symbol of the

gate to the other side.

We call it The Man in the Maze.

- I like it.

- I thought you would.

- I feel I do my best work

when I got a little

buzz goin' on.

- I'm certainly willing

to give it a try.

- Oh, oh, hey.

And have you seen this yet?

- What's up, y'all?

It's your boy Stinky Steve here,

and I'm out here

offering $10,000

to the first homeless person

who can do a standing

jump over this trash can.

Let's meet our first contestant.

- Yo, this guy's

hilarious.

- Yeah, he's pretty

funny, I guess.

- Oh!

Yo, did you see that!

- Hey, I think we

should get back.

- Oh, sh*t, yeah.

Thank you.

Where'd I put those chainsaws?

- We left them right inside.

- Oh yeah, that's right.

Okay.

All right, let's go terrify

some m*therf*ckers.

- What the f*ck?

- Hey, guys, no, stop!

Stop!

- Oh!

- Oh, f*ck!

- All right, you're

gonna be all right.

- Chopped my f*ck'

arm off, Jesus Christ.

- Is he okay?

- They got him

to an ambulance.

He lost a lot of blood,

but he should be all right.

- I don't know

what happened, man.

I swear to God, I don't.

- I know.

I know, me neither.

You gotta come back, though.

They're looking for you.

- I'm f*cked, aren't I?

- Just tell them the truth.

- Yeah.

Like they gonna believe that.

f*ck.

I'm f*cked.

I didn't know man, I swear.

I swear to God, I didn't know.

- It's those f*ck

at Phantom Wood.

It's gotta be.

They've been tryin'

to find a way

to bring us down for

years and this is it.

I mean, who would go

to a haunted forest

where people get cut

up by real chainsaws?

Jacko was one thing,

but this is...

This is probably the end.

- It's late, Mark.

Maybe you should get some sleep.

- Sleep isn't gonna

fix this, Susie.

I gotta fix this.

I gotta find a way out.

- Maybe it is

best that you pack it in.

- You know what this

place means to me.

- Yeah, I know.

- Then how could you say that?

- 'Cause Mark, you're not the

only person in this family.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Goodnight, Zach.

- Goodnight.

- You really don't

know what happened?

- I told you, I

didn't see anything.

- You were right there, Zach.

You held one of those

chainsaws in your hands.

You didn't notice

anything different?

You didn't see anything?

You didn't hear anything?

Nothing?

Really?

- I noticed the chain five

seconds before it happened.

I tried to warn them,

but it was too loud.

They couldn't hear me.

- And that's it?

That's all you have to say?

- I don't know what

you want from me, Mark.

You think I don't feel terrible?

I feel terrible.

You think I don't blame myself?

Of course I do.

But I had no reason to believe

that anything like

this could happen.

I don't know what's going

on anymore than you do.

Blaming me is not

gonna solve anything.

- You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I'm drunk and I'm

f*ck' devastated.

But, no you're right.

This isn't your fault.

I apologize.

- It's okay, it's okay.

We're both exhausted.

We should get some sleep.

- Yeah, you're right.

You should go on up.

I'm gonna clean up

down here for a bit.

- All right.

Sleep well.

- Yeah, you too man.

You too.

So, I've spoken to the

police, spoken to the town.

They're still deciding

whether they're gonna let

us open next weekend or not.

In the meantime,

we have a lot of questions

we need to answer.

What happened to Jacko?

What happened with

the chainsaws?

Are the two things connected?

Just what the f*ck is

happening here anyway?

If anyone knows anything,

anything that might give

us a clue about all this,

this would be a great

time for you to speak up.

This is not a joke.

This is not funny.

This is literally

life and death.

And if you know anything

that could help us,

you have a moral and

professional obligation

to come forward right now.

Okay, then.

You're probably wondering what

we're gonna do this weekend.

What we're gonna do is

we are gonna prepare

to open for Halloween

as if we are 100% certain

of getting permission.

Needless to say, there

will be no chainsaws.

There will be new

safety procedures

and there will be

a buddy system.

There will be double checks

and triple checks on every

single piece of equipment.

Any questions?

Zach?

- Are we sure we want

to open next weekend?

- Any other questions?

Okay, let's get to work.

- So, if one of the major

themes we're dealing

with here is the conflict

between love and duty,

is there a character

who exemplifies

that conflict

especially clearly?

Is there someone who really

does seem perfectly

poised between the two?

Mary?

Shh.

So, I suppose we could

argue that in a sense,

it's less of a question

of love versus duty

than a question

of different duties

conflicting with one another

because love itself can be seen

as a kind of obligation or...

Are you awake now?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Sorry, I must have...

- It's okay.

It looked like you needed it.

Zach, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

- About what?

- About why you

haven't been sleeping?

- What do you mean?

I was literally just sleeping--

- At night, Zach.

You haven't been

sleeping at night.

It's pretty obvious.

It's also pretty obvious

that your mind's a

million miles away.

- Yeah, it's been stressful.

You know, The Forest,

it's been a lot.

- Do you really think they're

gonna reopen this weekend?

- I don't know.

- You don't have to

go back, you know?

- I know.

- But you're going to.

- I mean, it's Halloween.

Where else would I be?

- Some people go to parties.

- I'm not one of those people.

- I know.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we assure you that

all of our attractions

are now completely safe.

We have chased away all the

chainsaw wielding maniacs

and their bodies

will never be found.

So, relax, enjoy yourselves

and remember that any

screaming that you may hear

is all just part of the show.

Or at least, let's hope so.

- That was pretty good.

You have a knack for this.

- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I love this

Halloween stuff.

- Well, I think you

can take it from here.

I'll be at the Witch's

Hut if you need me.

- Thanks, Kim.

See you later.

- Hey, creepy.

- Carly?

What the hell are

you doing here?

- Where else would

I be on Halloween?

- You look,

very spooky.

- Why, thank you.

- Hey, do you want me to show

you around the

control booth here?

- Oh, I'm sorry, did you think

that I came all the way

out here to just

hang out with you?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm sorry.

- Zach, I'm kidding.

Yes, I'd love to

come inside, please.

- All right. Yeah, yeah.

Just come around the side.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Talkin' about creepy.

- Yeah, but that's

not the good part.

This is the good part.

- May I?

- Be my guest?

- Um...

Would the...

owner of the bloodied

carriage being pulled

by two decapitated

horses please

make your way to

the control booth?

You left your lights on.

- That, that was,

that was really good.

- You know, honestly, I

think I could get into this.

- It's like a whole

different side of you.

- Yeah, but you don't know

everything about me, Zach.

- Apparently not.

Lemme try one.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

All right.

If you have

lost a seven-year-old child

named Algernon,

please come to the main

entrance and claim him.

He is wearing a

Victorian nightgown

and seems to be invoking

demons in ancient Babylonian.

Please come quickly.

His head is now

rotating backwards.

- Okay, wait, no,

gimme, no, gimme.

I've got one.

- What's up, y'all?

It's your boy Stinky Steve here.

And today I'm out here at

the legendary Haunted Forest

where we're about

to take an exclusive

all VIP tour of their

famous Trail of Terror.

What kind of VIPs you ask?

Let's check 'em out.

From "Housewives of

Montgomery County,"

that's Ashley Delaso.

Say hi, Ashley.

- Hey.

- Next up, we got none

other than DJ Coronary.

Say what's up, DJ?

- What's up?

- Yeah.

And last but not least,

we have Grammy

nominated superstar,

Fly the Freak Nasty.

How's it hangin', Fly?

- Get outta here.

- All right, all right,

let's get this show on

the road now, shall we?

See my boy Mark

comin' over here now.

Mark runs this place.

If he's here, then

it's game time.

- All right guys,

we still have a few people

filing outta the exits.

We're sweepin' the trail,

making sure it's clear.

Then we're gonna send

you guys down one by one

so you get the whole experience.

Should be about

five or 10 minutes.

Sound good?

- Flippin' fabbo-fantabbo,

my main man.

- All right.

Okay.

I'll see you guys in a few.

Hey, you guys can take off.

We're closed to the public.

We're just clearin' out

the last few stragglers.

- No problem, Mark.

We'll see you next year.

- See ya.

Hey, I'm lovin'

the announcements,

but who's the witch?

- Mark, meet my friend Carly.

Carly, my cousin, Mark.

- You're friends with

this knucklehead.

What's wrong with you?

- Mm, he got grandfathered in.

We've known each other

since I was five.

- Mm, you have

my condolences.

- Oh.

- Nice to meet you.

Hey, you can start cleanin' up.

We closed the trail.

We're down to the VIPs.

- sh*t, I didn't get a chance

to check out the trail.

- I didn't realize it

had gotten so late. My bad.

- Well, you're

lucky I wandered by.

Come on, I'll get you in line.

- Seriously?

- You're a friend

of Zach's, right?

That makes you a VIP.

Come on.

- Yeah, go for it.

Yeah, I still have

some cleanup to do.

- I'll see you after.

- Yeah, I'll find you.

- Come on, come on.

They probably already

started lettin' people in.

- Okay, okay.

Thank you.

- It's your

first time here?

- Yeah, no, I'm kind of a wimp

with these sort of things,

but I'm excited.

- Oh, don't worry.

- No, it'll be a good time.

- Okay.

- Just have fun with it.

- All right.

- All right, I'm

on the trail now.

Not freakin' out yet.

There's definitely

some kinda atmosphere.

Feels like somethin's

about to happen any minute.

f*ck!

What the f*ck?

Jesus!

Scared the sh*t out of me.

Well

played, pumpkin man.

Well played.

All right, if that's

the worst it gets,

I think I can handle it.

Ah, heart is poundin' though.

Like, legit.

Adrenaline's lightin' me up.

It's wild.

I can do this.

I just gotta keep

my wits about me.

Ah!

Hey, you gotta be

more careful, man.

That sh*t's expensive.

Hey!

Hey!

Not so hard, man.

It actually hurts.

Can I get my camera

back, please?

I'm a professional.

I'm an influencer.

I need to be getting all this.

All right, look.

You're scarin' me, all right?

You f*cking scared me.

Great job.

Now can you please just like...

You're not a part of

the show, are you?

sh*t.

- Yeah, so honestly, it's

like totally lame so far.

It's like super

cheesy and everything.

Can't wait to get to the club

as soon as I get outta here.

- Did I show you what

I'm wearing tonight?

- O-m-g, no.

What is it?

O-m-g, you sl*t.

O-m-g, that is filthy.

What do you think?

Is Sean gonna like it?

- Sean is gonna

freak the f*ck out.

He's gonna lose his sh*t.

You look like a

$10 million wh*re

and I love that for you.

- Hey Ash,

there's something

behind you, like a rope.

- It's just gonna be

some stupid jump scare.

I'm telling you,

I am so over this.

- Okay, no problem.

It's just a haunted house.

It's just for fun.

All right, everything's fine.

Everything is fine.

Just crossin' this bridge.

Perfectly safe.

Built up to code.

sh*t!

sh*t, man.

You got me.

All right, you

got me good, okay?

Okay?

I mentioned this to Mark,

but I mean, I do have

a heart condition.

That's why they call

me DJ Coronary.

I actually got a quintuple

bypass back in April.

So, if there's a version of this

you know, that's a little

bit more mellow,

I'd really appreciate that.

Is that something that we

can work out with you guys?

Gentlemen?

Fellas?

Hey, can you hear me?

Hey, I'm serious!

I'm not f*cking around!

- Man,

you're trippin'.

Eminem's not even top five.

- All right,

then who's in your top five?

f*ck' Shakespeare?

f*ck' Jesus?

- God, dude, Dre,

Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z.

- All right, all right.

That's three.

Who else?

- I mean, for me, Common's

gotta be up there.

You know, I'm really into that

socially conscious sh*t.

- All right, now

I know you ain't serious.

- How much of a raise do the two

of you need to shut the f*ck up?

- Extra $10 an hour.

- Shut the f*ck up.

- Hey, y'all smell gas?

Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, goddammit.

- Had to have like 19 pins

put into his right knee.

That's why he limps.

They've been ripping off

everything we've done for years,

and Mark thinks it

makes us look bad too.

- It's those f*ck

at Phantom Wood.

It's gotta be.

You're a friend

of Zach's, right?

That makes you a VIP.

Come on.

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Carly!

- Let her go, Mark.

I know what you did.

I called the cops back.

They're already on their way.

You're not getting

away with any of this.

You don't want another

m*rder to answer for.

I guess Captain Ahab was

just an accident, right?

Maybe an impulse?

I saw you arguing with him.

You followed him

back to his car.

Is that where it happened?

It's just a crime of passion.

But then Jacko saw you,

or he saw too much,

so you had to take care of him.

And that was a little

easier than you expected.

After that who knows?

Maybe you got a taste for it.

Maybe you wanted the publicity.

Tonight, you m*rder*d

the most famous people

you could get to come here.

Is that what this is about?

Just some free promotion.

You've lost the plot, Mark.

There's no way this

ends well for you.

Just let her go and

I'll testify for you.

I'll say that you,

you showed mercy,

that you were truly repentant.

But if you hurt her, in any way,

I will make sure

that you never see

the outside of a prison again.

- You're giving Mark

way too much credit.

He could never pull

all of this off.

He doesn't have the vision.

- I'm dreaming.

I'm dreaming, I'm

dreaming, I'm dreaming.

- No, no, no,

you're not dreaming.

You're learning something.

We're all guilty, Zach.

You, me, Mark, even his

adorable little children.

We were born guilty, Zach.

We have to pay.

You think it's enough to

sit cross-legged and chant?

You think that washes away

the sins of our people?

I see them, Zach.

They're all around us.

Behind you, behind

me, everywhere.

They are crying

out for vengeance

and only blood can

wash out blood.

- You're insane.

- This world is insane.

We live and laugh and love

on the graves of the

people we slaughtered.

I won't be part of it anymore.

My ceremony will

finally bring peace,

and justice to the dead.

- You guys can't be serious.

What are you gonna

do, sacrifice Mark?

What is that gonna

do for anyone?

What is that gonna

do for the dead?

- It's going to give

them rest, Zach.

Just watch.

You'll understand.

Get her ready.

Restless spirits of

this place, hear us.

We offer you this flesh

for the expiation

of all the.

- Run!

Go!

Run!

- Hold still.

What?

- I said be careful.

- Oh, all right, right.

No worries.

- Are the cops really coming?

- No, I was bluffing.

- You are such an idiot.

- I know.

I'm sorry.

I just, I just like, I was

just trying to--

So...

- So.

There's a cult

trying to m*rder us.

- Yeah.

- So...

we can talk about

the rest of this later.

- Sounds good.

- I don't hear them.

- They're gonna be coming soon.

- Do you have a plan?

- Gimme a second.

Okay.

Yes, I have a plan.

- Whoa!

sh*t!

- Is that the best

you could do?

- Hey, Sarah.

He liked me better, anyway.

- All right.

Here we go.

- She's here somewhere,

I can feel it.

Great work.

She's definitely dead now.

You're helping me, you know?

We were never supposed

to survive this.

This is all part

of the sacrifice.

- Yeah, well, happy to help.

- Wait, what?

Sarah, that's not

what we talked about.

- Zach, this is a totally

different side of you.

I like it.

- You k*lled my cousin.

I don't give a

sh*t what you like.

- Zach, wait.

She's done.

She's not even armed.

We don't need to k*ll her.

Besides, she'll

suffer more in prison.

- She's right.

I deserve to suffer.

We all do.

I'm not exempt.

I know you think I'm a

monster, and you're right.

But the way that I felt for you,

the way that I

still feel for you,

that has always been 100%.

- Zach, Zach, are you okay?

- Where is she going?

- She's heading

towards the exit.

- She said something

about Mark's kids.

Just go, go, go.

- Sarah?

- Mark?

- Hey, listen, I...

I don't blame you.

You did what you

thought was right.

But you can rest now.

You hear me?

Your work is done.

You can go to sleep.

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

Shh.

There's so much

deck the halling

And friends are calling

And snow is falling and how

It's gotta be Christmas

It's gotta be now

It's got to be Christmas

I'll say it again

It's got to be Christmas

What else could explain...

- Merry f*cking Christmas.

Anticipating

Celebrating and cheer

It's gotta be Christmas

It's got to be near

Hello?

Bring it on

Hello?

Oh, it's gotta be Christmas

It's gonna be great

It's got to be Christmas

It's gotta be Christmas

You know what I mean

Now, all those

bells are ringing

It's got to be Christmas

Around and around

Rupert, what the hell

are you doing here?

- Diana, I am so sorry.

I was an idiot.

Can you forgive me?

- Well, that's a start.

And everyone knowing that

Santa may be on his way

It's gotta be Christmas

- We should find

a vase for these.

- Just throw them on the ground.

It really is Christmas

- I really like this.

- It's a

little cheesy maybe.

- No, I like it.

It's something new for you.

- Well, I think I've had

enough zombies for awhile.

- I completely agree.

So you're coming over to

watch "Love Actually" tonight?

- It's not even Thanksgiving.

- I watch it year round.

- I'll make you a deal.

If you wear something spooky,

we can watch "Love Actually?"

- Is spooky a euphemism?

- Obviously.

Is it a deal?

- It's a deal.

So, Chapter 22.

- Oh God, God,

God, do we have to?

- It's due on Thursday.

- It's Monday.

- So we gotta get started.

- If you say so.

- I do.

Anyway...

Anyway, I think I missed

a question about...

Oh, water containing heat.

Heat retention in water.

There was that question

about, about like...

Smoke's risin' high

From all the buildings

in the town

People are running, screaming,

crying on the ground

If we got up now

we'd need to get down

People surviving

in a new kinda way

If you see the sunrise

You might live to

see another day

Up in the sky

I see a plane coming down

Smoke risin' high

From all the buildings

in the town

People are running, screaming,

crying on the ground

If we got up now

we'd need to go down

Up in the sky

I see a plane coming down

Smoke risin' high

From all the buildings

in the town

People are running, screaming,

crying on the ground

If we got up now

we'd need to go down