01x04 - Assaulted

[bunniefuu]

{\an8}- You think you k*lled
your grandpa. [laughing]

{\an8}- You think I'm kidding.
We were boxing.

- Come on!
- I had to defend myself!

- The man is 87 years old.
- Ooh! Come on!

- I don't care,
I knocked his a*s out.

- Do you think they're thinking
of staying here?

- My life is flashing
before my eyes.

- This is where old people
go to die.

- Where is he?
- He's over there.

- What am I gonna do
without civilization?

- Ah!
- We can't let them do this!

- He can't be dead if he got up.

- Jesus did it.
- He definitely ain't Jesus.

- You're gonna wanna come
and see this.

It's Grandpa,
he's calling police,

he said he's being abused.
- What?!

- I told you we should've left.

- ♪

- Grandpa.

- No!

- Grandpa...
- No, keep your a*s

away from me!

I can't believe you did that!

b*stard!

Sucker-punch a old man?!

Mother... ooh! Ooh!

- I'm sorry.

- No. You hit me!

Sorry b*tch-a*s
hit me like that.

- Wait, wait, wait, what?

- Yes! Your dad hit me
when I wasn't looking.

I looked this way, he hit me,

had my arm up like that,
I ain't see it coming.

Knocked my a*s out.

- Wait, wait, wait, you hit him?

- Yes, he did.
Sucker-punched my a*s.

- It was a reflex, Son.

Look, you know me,
you know I got that right

and that left.

- Ooh, is any of it on video?

- Sandra...

- No, do you know how many
hits I would have right now

if I was able to get online?

- I know how many hits
your daddy gave me,

the old b*stard!

- Do you know how many hits
you would have if you did that?

- I don't think y'all
are talking about likes.

- Your dad is trying to k*ll me!

- Pop, if I was trying
to k*ll you,

I'd just switch
your Wednesday medicine

with your Thursday medicine.

- No, dammit,
you knocked me over the sofa!

- That was a accident.
- No, it wasn't.

- Yes, it was, man, I'm sorry.
- Wait, Dad, Dad.

Did he just say you knocked him
over the sofa?

- Boy, I just told you,
I got that right and that left.

- He did tell us.

- Yes, he did.

- Wow.
- What?!

- And you're able to stand
after all that?

- I'm barely standing.

- [chuckles] Yeah, 'cause them
old bitter bones of yours

are like... [squeaks]
- [laughing]

- Say it one more time.

- Look, I'm sorry,
but when you walk,

your bones rattle.

- So will you!

When I put this hook
gently in your a*s.

- There is a law
against that, Grandpa.

- Not if it's gently.

- JEREMY: Look, Grandpa,
put the phone down.

- I'm dialing.
- Why are you all freaking out?

There's no reception here.

- I have reception.

Yeah, y'all with all
that digital sh*t,

this analog.

- It's still too many numbers.

- I had this battery
for a month and a half.

So what if you get
cancer in your ear?

This sh*t right here works!

- What is that?
- That is a phone, little girl.

- From what year?
- Don't worry about what year.

- That looks like a VCR.
You remember those?

- Do we remember those.

- I don't.

- Hello. Yes. Mm-hmm.

You ain't gonna
believe it, though,

I've been m*rder*d
by my grandson.

m*rder*d dead.

I'm in the hearse.

On the way to the funeral home.

Can you meet me there?

Tell ya all about it.
Yeah, I'll hold.

Okay.

Show yo a*s.

{\an8} - ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter what you do,
I love you ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪

{\an8}♪ Always remember blood
ain't never water ♪

{\an8}♪ We'll make it
if we stay together ♪♪

- ♪

- Grandpa.
- Don't talk to me!

- Honey, honey, okay...

- Baby, baby.
He knows it was a accident.

- I know.
- I mean, he was hitting me.

- I know!

- You knocked him over the sofa.

- Philip, this ain't the time.

- Well, I think it is.

This reminds me of that time
we were racing,

and you pushed me to the ground.

- That's because you cut
in front of me.

- We were ra-cing.

- You were chea-ting.

- So you pushed me
to the ground?

- Yes.
- Dude, that's cruel.

I was five.

- Okay. And have you
done it again?

Bingo, sound like
good parenting to me.

- So, you did the same thing
to Grandpa,

what is that,
good grandparenting?

- Will you stop it?
- I'm just saying.

- And I'm just saying stop.
- Okay.

- Unless you wanna race again.

- I'm not five anymore, Dad.
- Oh, yeah, I know that.

- That means I could definitely
push you to the ground.

- [scoffs] sh*t. That would be
the last race of your life, boy.

- Okay, you're right,
I wouldn't do it.

No, no, no, because you're old.

And because I got
a little respect for you.

- Okay, well, how about you
respect me over there?

- Not until you respect Grandpa.

- [laughs] Is this boy
trying me?

I'm about to be


- Come on, Jeremy.
- The right-left.

- LEAH: Relax, okay? Mm-hmm.

- [screams]

- Are you okay, Grandpa?
- No, I'm in pain!

My hook is swollen.

- What hurts?
- Everything!

- That's because of my dad?
- You're damn right.

- Are you sure it's because
of him

and not just 'cause you're old?

- How old are you?
- Fifteen.

- You wanna see 16?

- Yeah.

- Get out of my face.

- Just go talk to him.
Man, he's trippin'.

Alright? Yeah.
- LEAH: Okay. Yeah.

Wish me luck.

Grandpa Vinny.

- I don't wanna talk
to you, either.

- I'm sorry.

- You see what he did?

- No, no, no,
'cause I wasn't there.

- Well, I was.
- LEAH: Okay.

Tell me what hurts.
- Everything.

- I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

- Can you... can you rub it
for me?

- Uh...

- Can you... kiss it
and make it better?

- Grandpa Vinny!
- What?

- [stutters] Look... look,
what exactly are you...

wanting me to rub?

- Well, baby...
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Girl, you gon' get to know me.

- [stutters] I... I... I think
I know you already.

- Well, that little
sucker-puncher husband of yours

is going to jail. - Grandpa!

You don't wanna send him
to jail.

- Yes, I do
wanna send him to jail!

- Grandpa!
- He knocked me over that sofa!

- I am...
- My legs was in the air!

I felt like his grandma.

The hook came off,
I had to pick it up

with this hand,
put it back on...

It was awful. I went flying!

Like his grandma.

With her legs in the air.
Twerking.

- I'm really sorry.

- I mean, who in the hell
would do that to a old-a*s man?

- My dad!
- You're damn right.

- Yeah, and he does it
to little kids, too.

- Hello.

Y'all realize I am
in the room, right?

- You're going to jail.

- Look, look, man, hey.
I'm sorry.

- Don't. Talk. To me.

- Okay.

- Just wait 'til
the police get here.

- Grandpa, you didn't call
the police.

- Yes, I did call the police!

- Okay, you think that was wise?

- You think it was wise
for him to hit me?

- Okay, see...

I think both of y'all
were wrong.

- Ain't no way
in hell I'm wrong,

I'm 70 years old.

- You're really, like, 87,
I thought.

- Yes.

- How the hell am I wrong?

When you're old,
everything you do is right.

- I don't... I don't think
that's... that's right.

- Well, just wait
until the police get here.

- But Grandpa, you didn't
call the police.

- Yes, I did!

- You know what? Okay, well,
what about your little, um,

"sit-ee-ation" in the backyard?

- What "sit-ee-ation"
in the backyard?

- Oh, you little puff-puff pass.
[inhales] [coughs]

- JEREMY: Pass that.
- [coughing]

- That's outrageous.
- [coughing]

- Oh, hell.

That is legal in Colorado.

- This is Georgia.
- Georgia.

- Oh, hell.

- Uh, and I hear
the police outside.

- g*dd*mn.

- ♪

- Get rid of them!
- Grandpa Vinny, you called 'em.

- Oh, no, I made a mistake!

- Okay, it's too late now,
Grandpa.

- [cries] I made a mistake!

- You called 'em!

- We got to hide my stuff!

- Grandpa Vinny.

You don't need to be
worried about that anyway.

- [cries]
And I can't go to jail!

- Oh, but you want me to go.

- I can't go 'cause
I'm a virgin.

- What?

- Yeah, we remember your
little experiment in college.

- [stuttering] Grandpa Vinny.

- With candles and everything,
we heard about it.

- Stop it.

- I'm sorry.

All I'm saying is your husband's
ready for it, I'm not.

- Okay! Enough!

- He's strong, he can fight
them off, they gon' get me!

His [bleep] is tight.
Mine is loose!

[crying]

I can't use my underwear
to go to the bathroom!

I think I just sh*t myself now!

We got to hide my stuff!

Why did y'all call the police?!

- He's tripping.
- No, why did you?!

- Grandpa, do you not remember
you called them?

- I did?

- Yes. Yes.

- Damn, I gotta stop
smoking that sh*t.

- Wait, you were smoking
that sh*t?

- I have to, son, you know,
I got cataracts in my knees.

- So this is why you've
been acting so silly.

- I wasn't acting silly,

you're the one who threw me
over the sofa.

- Oh, oh, so now...
So now I "threw" him over.

- Yes, you did.

- Grandpa Vinny, that is enough,
the police are outside.

- Aw, damn, we got
to hide my stuff!

- Ooh, I wonder if they
have reception.

- Look, sit down,
sit down, okay? Sit down.

- Oh, Lord.

I'mma make a run for it.

Y'know, I kinda like the way
you grab me like that, you know.

- You're not gonna get that far
on that bad hip of yours.

- He did the hook. [laughs]
- Yeah.

- [laughing] Boy don't talk
about my hip.

- You talk about it
all the time.

- Well, it's my hip
and I can talk about it.

- Alright, my bad.

- Grandpa, you just stay seated.

- I can't, now my hip done
locked up on me.

- And how did that happen?

- Well, that only happened
one other time that I enjoyed.

- What... what were you doing?

- Me and your grandmama
had prune juice

all over our bodies, right?

And, uh, we was doing
some grown folk business.

Eating prunes and, you know,
just...

that's why my a*s is loose.

- Let me stop you right there.

Because I don't think
I need to hear that.

- And the second time
it happened was

when your daddy grabbed me
by the neck and the hook

and he threw me over the sofa.

- It's crazy how this story
keeps changing,

now I'm grabbing him by the neck
and the hook

and I threw him over the sofa.

- Yes, you did.

- Well, if you keep it up,
I'mma take the hook off

and I'mma beat your a*s with it.

- [doorbell rings]

- Ociffer! Ociffer!
You heard him!

- What's going on?

- Grandpa, it's "Officer."
"Officer."

- Shut the hell up.

I know what the hell I'm saying.

- Tell him the truth.

- [softspoken]
I'm dead, Officer,

he... he tried to k*ll me.

It all started back in 1937.

His daddy used to beat me, too.

They've been trying
to k*ll me for years.

Gene passed on to his son.

- O... Officer.
- I... I'm talking to him, ma'am.

- LEAH: Oh.

- Tell him the truth.
- I did. He tried to k*ll me.

He grabbed me... and threw me
over the sofa.

So sad.

- No, I didn't.

- Are you living here?

- Yes, I live here all by
myself.

Me and my hook.

- Wasn't this place closed?
- It was closed, this place.

I'd like to talk about him
hurting me

and cutting off my arm.

- Grandpa!

- Who are you to him?

- His grandson, unfortunately.

- And what happened?

- [yelling] Dammit...
[softspoken] Dammit, I told you.

Before you got here,
I had two hands.

He cut one off
and sewed the other one on.

And threw me over the sofa.

- I'm talking to him.
- Okay. Alright.

- Sir, we were boxing.

- You were boxing this old man?!

- Who the...?! [soft-spoken]
Who... who are you calling old?

- See? He started getting
aggressive just like right now.

- Oh, uh, well, I was now, huh?

- He kept hitting me,
and then finally, I hit him back

and he flew over the sofa.

- With my legs in the air.

Like his grandma.

L-shaped casket.

Couldn't close it.

She had this leg
sticking out the ground.

- O... Okay, okay.

Do you wanna press charges?
- Yes, I do.

- You can't send him to jail,
Grandpa.

- Yes, I can, and I'm...
She don't speak for me,

I don't even know who she is.

He tried to send me
to the Lord, Officer.

- Okay, ain't nothing about you
going to the Lord, Grandpa.

- Hell.

- He doesn't wanna
press charges, Officer.

- She don't... she don't
speak for me.

- Grandpa!

- Come on.
- That's right, take him.

Take his a*s.
Take him, take his a*s.

- Pops!
- Take him.

- You sure you wanna do this?
- I'm 100% positive.

- Officer.
- Yes?

- I think you need to take
a look around this place.

- OFFICER: Say what?
- LEAH: Mm-hmm.

I think you need to do, like,
a... a... an unofficial search.

- No. No.
- Yeah, specifically

in the backyard. - LEAH: Yes.

- Yeah.
- LEAH: Yeah, backyard.

- You, uh, you really
gon' do this?

- For this man right here?
Oh, baby, we like Jay and Bey.

- Her rock.
- His rock.

I sure will.

- Which way is the backyard?

- Shall I show him?
- Yeah... um...

Okay, okay, okay, I... I don't
wanna press charges.

- You don't.
- No, I... I changed my mind.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive.

Yeah, just get on out of here,
we don't need you here anyway,

we don't like police.

- Oh, well, okay,
I need to know something.

- What?
- Why are you in this place?

It's closed.

- I own this place.

- You own it?
- Yes.

- Oh... Vinny.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. [chuckling] Yeah.

Yeah, we heard of you.

- Oh, what you heard?

- That you were selling weed
to the people who lived here.

- That was before I had
the hook and I had two hands.

I... I'm old now, I'm having
my old life,

I don't do that no more.

- Uh-huh. Well, I'm glad
this place is closed.

- We... why... why do you say that,
sir?

- It was an eyesore.

- Really?

- Yeah. Someone tried to buy it
and reopen it, but, uh...

[chuckling] Whoa, this
is gonna take a lot of work.

- [chuckles] Well, I own it,
and it's not for sale.

- Is everything okay here?

- Yeah, everything's okay.

- Call us if you need us.

- Won't nobody be calling you.

- Thank you, Officer.

- And be careful, I'm sending
the health inspector

now that I know you're living
here.

- Damn.

- Y'all have a good day.
- LEAH: Thank you.

- ♪

- Not the health inspector!

Them damn health inspectors!

They want meat
in the refrigerator,

can't have no rats or roaches.

Get on my damn nerves.

- Grandpa,
we don't have to worry

about the health inspectors,
this place is closed.

- No, I can't let them
find my backyard prize, girl!

- You will be fine, okay?

- No, I can't
let 'em find my stash.

- Well, maybe I need to, uh...
- [yelling]

- Call 'em back.
- No, don't call nobody,

don't call them on back.

- Mm-hmm. One.
- One. Yeah, baby.

- Oh, that's right, they come
fast, don't wanna press it.

- Alright, alright, listen,
listen, y'all got to help me.

- Help you do what?
- Y'all have got to stay here.

And help me get this place open.

- Hmm...

- Uh, stay where?

- I think he said here.

- In this place?

With no reception?

- Yeah.

- With the roaches and the rats?

- And the buckets.

- Okay. I'm gonna die.

- So dramatic.

- [air whooshing]