01x09 - Trophy Son (Or 'The Mother Wound')

[bunniefuu]

[musical fanfare playing]

-[crowd clamoring]
-[cameras clicking]

[Margo] Live from the Las Vegas
Adult Paintball Pavilion and Event Space,

it's the 50th annual
Golden Gavel Lawyer Awards,

brought to you by Chingles Supermarkets.

Chingles, that's what
the grocery stores here are called.

The stars are truly out.

[gasps] Oh! In from bustling Carson City,
there's Nevada's coolest lawyers,

Pringus and Bench.

-It's an honor just to be inebriated.
-[chuckles]

Ha ha! Stay in school.

And here's up-and-comers
Lincoln Gumb and Sheila Flambé.

They've made a big mark this year,
despite having stupid food-sounding names.

Sheila, who are you wearing?

Oh, Margo, I don't kiss and tell.

Oh! You mean my dress.
It's by Chingles Dress Hole.

Oh, of course it is!

Now, Lincoln, it's the first GGs
since your mother, Marcia Gumb,

was tragically obliterated.

How are you feeling?

Like an ant at a picnic.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Speaking of your mom,
are you excited that tonight,

Steve Nichols is going to finally give her
the tribute she deserves

after the disastrous funeral?

-Oh, I wouldn't call it...
-We have a clip.

-[somber music playing]
-Ahem.

My mom was… She… was special at…

"Terrible job, son!"

"You're humiliating me
in front of the devil?"

"No, we'll never marry!"

Yeesh.

I've come a long way since then, Marcia.
I mean, Margo.

Anyway, that's old news.

We're up for Firm of the Year
and Best Commercial, baby.

It's our night.

Sheila "The Human Highlight Reel" Flambé,
and, I wanna say, Clinton Jellybean?

Yep, Sheila's right.
Also, I promise, she knows my name.

Hey, watch this!

-♪ Unh, unh, unh-unh-unh ♪
-[man] Who's that?

[woman] Whoo! Wow!

[all chant] Sheila! Sheila! Sheila!

-[cheering]
-Sheila-nomics! Jiro dreams of Sheila!

Yo quiero Sheila Bell!

For those just joining us,

the Human Highlight Reel
is pulling tons of focus

by reappropriating
out-of-date catchphrases

and doing a dance
that can only be called "the Sheila."

Beef! It's what's for Sheila!

Yes, yes, everyone loves
Gumb and Flambé's better half.

But let's not forget,
tonight's about my late partner,

Marcia Gumb, and by extension, me.

There's been a break-in
at the Sheila Gate Hotel!

Just wait till my ultra-respectful
five-star three-ring multimedia tribute

to the late Marcia.

-It's…
-[Sheila] Here's… Sheila!

-[crunch]
-[all gasp]

-[wails]
-Sheila, are you okay? Did you...

[high-pitched] Break my p*ssy?
Of course not! What a stupid question!

-It's gonna...
-Yeow!

It's my relaxed sound
because of how… normal my p*ssy is!

…gonna be somber as hell, y'all.

[chuckles] Oh, well,
there you have it, folks.

-Another magical Vegas GGs.
-[Sheila wailing]

[♪ "Wang Dang" by Bob Destiny playing]

[musical fanfare plays]

Man, I thought tonight was
about me being out of my mom's shadow.

But it's like I'm still under her
as she towers over me,

and all I can do is look right up
between her giant legs.

Lincoln, I think it's time
to look at the memento tattoo I gave you

while you were sleeping again.

[burst of solemn music]

And tonight is about us.

So just relax, get drunk
have fun and don't…

[groaning] …worry.

You're right.
Now admit you broke your p*ssy.

No!

Nothing bad has ever happened to me.

[Glem] Hurt p*ssy, eh?

Now that's what I call a…

I… Uh, I got nothin'.

Glem, you look great.

Someone slept inside last night!

Okay, I'm gonna work the room.
Maybe land us a big new client.

Glem, you know everyone.
What do I need to know?

[Glem] Oh… Well, that's Steve Nichols.

I believe he's a lawyer of some kind.

[Lincoln] Yeah, I know him, Glem.
Who else?

[Glem] All right, let's see.
That's Billy Grimple.

He owns La Bouche,
the mouth-themed casino.

That's Showbiz Entertainment Cheese.
He runs a hedge fund.

And, oh, that's Anita Chingles.
She was your mom's biggest client.

[Lincoln] And who's that guy?

-[Glem] I think his name is Steve Nichols.
-[Lincoln] No.

That guy!

I need to leave. I, uh… I broke my p*ssy!

What? Glem!

If that were true,
he wouldn't be able to walk like that.

I assume.

Well, maybe Irene
and her new boyfriend will be normal.

Irene has a boyfriend?
What is he, like a biker or a gangster?

Rebel with or without a cause?

-Hey, Sheila! This is Gordo Cippolini.
-Hey.

And, of course, the famous Patrick.

-[carnival music playing]
-I am humbled to meet you.

Mon-shure Gumb, Madame Flambé.

Oh my God.

Hi, Gordo. Hi, Patrick.

Who wants to see me twirl?

[announcer] The show is starting.
Everyone be quiet.

[upbeat, jazzy music playing]

[applause]

♪ I was la wing the law late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld a lawyer sight ♪

♪ For the gavel from the judge
Began to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly, we testified ♪

[both] ♪ We did the mash ♪

♪ We lawed the lawyer's mash ♪

[Lunchmeat] ♪ We did the mash ♪

-Such incomprehensible beauty.
-♪ It was a lawyer ♪

-♪ We lawed the law ♪
-♪ Lawed the law ♪

-[both] ♪ Your judge ♪
-[audience cheering]

[music ends]

Hello, I'm Mayor George Wallace.

Welcome, everyone,
to the 50th annual Golden Gavels.

Brought to you by Chingles
and reruns of the lawyer show, Bull.

If you haven't yet, feel free to ride
the mechanical bull from Bull.

Yeehaw!

This is, of course, my adopted brother,
our beloved Lunchmeat.

I'm full o' beans!

[laughter]

Wow, his catchphrase! Right off the bat!

What a crowd we have tonight,
but everyone might as well go home,

because, right in his usual seat,
I see five-time winner,

Attorney Merle Streep
from his firm, Streep Law.

Let someone else win for a change, Merle!

[laughter]

Truly, all the greats are here tonight.

Also, Sheila Flambé!

[Irene laughs]

He's sayin' that
Sheila isn't one of the greats.

Sheila didn't even know she was nominated.

She just heard they're giving out a prize
for the most hung jury.

-[laughter]
-[Sheila laughs loudly]

'Cause of my unhung privates!

TMI!

-[loud laughter]
-His other catchphrase!

Is that Lincoln Gumb I see with Sheila?

[audience snickering]

Seriously, Lincoln.

-[poignant music playing]
-Your mother's death was the hugest deal.

Let's have a moment of silence

for the most important person
in the room right now,

Marcia Gumb's spirit.

[music fades]

-But I'm still full o' beans!
-[jazz music playing]

[cheering and applause]

We've got a really, really great show
for you tonight.

The 50th annual GGs will be right back.

[announcer] Show will resume
in five minutes.

[laughter]

It's our night!

And I'm comin' for you, Steve.

Jesus Christ, after all this time?

[slow bluesy music playing]

[drawling] Why, hello there!

My name is, uh… Robert E…

[thinks] Don't say Lee.
Don't tell 'em your name is Robert E. Lee.

Robert E. Zombie. Industrialist.

What are we gabbin' about
here at this fine table here?

Well, we were talking about
Gumb and Flambé.

Ooh! Lincoln Gumb, he is a fine litigant.

He's got me out of
many a fine pickled pepper. [chuckles]

I employ sl*ve labor, you see.

White sl*very, mind you. Nothin' untoward.

And Lincoln Gumb has kept me
out of the fire,

profitin' off my white sl*ves

for years and years.

[thinks] You're doin' a great job hiding
and drumming up business for Lincoln.

I love you, Glem!

[chuckling] I love you, too!

Ah, oh, I mean, uh, I love U2. The band.

[chuckling] Yeah, that'll cover it.

Anyway, about my white child sl*ves.

Good evenin'. Any of you fine people
seen a man by the name of Glem Blorchman?

He's about 5'10".

Looks like one of them creatures
the Bible warns of.

No, sir. And I'd be able to.
I'm very tall.

[exhales]

You're welcome, Glem.

Glem? How dare you?

I challenge you to a duel.

[thinks] No! Stop!

I can't.

And Marcia just looked up at me
and said, "Thank you."

[women] Aw!

You know, Steven, I was trying
to buy a gumball the other day,

and it occurred to me
that a nickel can't buy a piece of gum

because Gumb is worth more than Nichols.

Well, Lincoln is on the penny,

which last I checked
is worthless next to a nickel.

And Nichols is plural.

[all laughing]

Ah, yes. Well, Jefferson is on the nickel,

and he invented the lazy Susan,

and in court, you're lazy at suin'…

Where… is everybody going?

You think this is an award show?

This is an arena where we battle it out

to see who's remembered
as Marcia's successor.

And I'm about to memorialize her so hard

that people are gonna think
you were just Marcia's butler.

-I only did that for 12 Halloweens.
-[upbeat, jazzy music playing]

[announcer] God,
the show is starting any second.

Everyone get back to your seats!
Damn it, this is so bad!

And now the nominees for best commercial.

Sheila Flambé and Irene Gumb
for Lawbert Rising.

Stay for one drink. We should talk.

[Irene] ♪ Lawbert, Lawbert
Do the Lawbert! ♪

-[ident jingle plays]
-[cheering and whistling]

You were my mom's best… client? Friend?

To Marcia, they were the same thing.

Mike Milk for "The Milk Is Fresh."

I've heard what people are saying.
"Mike Milk is just tall,"

and "Mike Milk uses being tall
to cover for not going to law school."

Well, to the haters,
I say, check this out.

I'm sunglasses now.

-[audience cheering]
-♪ Sunglasses ♪

-♪ Sunglasses, oh, sunglasses… ♪
-Your mommy would be so proud.

She used to brag about how she was
turning you into a little clone of her.

Yeah, I'm kinda trying to do my own thing.

Step out of her shadow,
stop accidentally sexualizing her, etc.

Oh! Sweetie, why would you ever do that?

Kyle and Skyle Munt,
"We Almost Do It All."

['80s pop music playing]

-I'm Kyle Munt.
-And I'm Skyle Munt.

And do you know what makes us
Vegas's number one twin lawyer team?

What, sweet brother?

[both] We do it all.

Slip and fall accidents.

Medical malpractice.

Laser injuries.

Nursing home abuse.

The only thing we don't do
is have sex with each other.

We've never even thought about it.

[in unison] We're focused on you.

Kyle and Skyle took my eviction case

without once having sex
or even fooling around.

We lost,
but there was no funny business.

Even if we wanted to,
our bunk bed would make it too difficult.

[cheering and whistling]

I've heard about Steve's five-star,
three-ring, multimedia tribute to Marcia.

Did you know he has a hologram?

Steve has a hologram of my mom?

So let me tell you what I'm gonna do.

My company is sponsoring this show.
Chingle Supermarkets.

That's what grocery stores
are called here.

Yes. I'm gonna pull some strings.

You'll deliver
a beautiful, heartfelt speech,

make up for that fiasco of a eulogy,

and maybe Chingles leaves
Steve Nichols and Associates

for an ambitious young firm?

Sure. A heartfelt,
non-disastrous memorial to my mom.

-Easy.
-[drumroll]

[Lunchmeat] And the winner
for Best Advertisement is…

Irene Gumb and Sheila Flambé
for "Lawbert Rising"!

[techno music playing]

[laughs] Oh man! I… I dedicate this award
to my boyfriend, Gordo, featuring Patrick.

Uh, well… [chuckles]
I'm no good at speeches.

-Not like Sheila. Sheila!
-[cheering]

[audience chanting]
Sheila! Sheila!

Sheila! Sheila! Sheila!

-Sheila! Sheila!
-[feedback squeals]

-Sheila!
-[Sheila groans]

[wails]

Awesome new noise from Sheila!

-Sheila is amazing!
-[cheering]

Do the Sheila!

[Lincoln] Yeah! Do the Sheila!

[disco music playing]

-[weeping]
-[man 1] She's overcome with emotion!

[man 2] I could watch this forever!

[announcer] The 50th annual GGs
will be right back.

[cheering and applause]

So… crazy weather lately.

We won! Did you see my speech?

What?

I sure did!
You were wonderful, sweetheart.

And what about you, dude?
Did you see your firm win an award?

Or were you too busy
writin' your manifesto?

I didn't… Huh? Sorry. Speech. For Mom.

Lot riding on it. Chingles.
Gotta go bathroom.

-[English accent] Freshen drinks, sire?
-[upbeat music playing]

I'm a waiter named, uh…

General Stonewall… Flowers.

Stone Wallflowers!
Forget I said General, huh?

Glem, what's goin' on?

Why are you doing
Pistachio Disguisey-style capers

during an awards show?

Uh, well…

Once upon a time, a happy young farmer
lived with his wife, Sarah.

Then one day, the farmer noticed
some onions were missing.

-He chalked it up to varmints.
-[gentle music playing]

[Sheila] Varmints? I hate those!

[Glem] But the next day,
some potatoes went missing.

Now the farmer decided to keep watch,
but he fell asleep.

When he woke,

he found Sarah asleep in the hay
with a handsome bandit.

A pot of stew between them,
made with his vegetables.

-[Irene] His vegetables?
-[Glem] Mmm.

The farmer wanted blood,

but Sarah convinced them
to settle it in court.

On the stand, Sarah revealed
the bandit was her first husband,

who she thought had died in a rock slide.

-The men were at each other's throats.
-[gavel bangs]

[Glem] So the judge issued
an old-fashioned sentence.

A duel on the field of honor.

[Irene] That was legal? When was this?

[Glem] 1996.

Now, it would start as soon as one party
slapped the other one with a glove.

But the bandit fled,
never to be seen again.

And with time, my anger subsided.

Oh, it's you in the story!

Yes! He must have seen me
in the nominee announcement.

-He came here to k*ll me!
-[burst of dramatic music]

Why not just go home so he can't slap you?
Are you very stupid?

I wanted to see you guys win!

Aw! That's so stupid.

Sheila, Sheila!
You are the breakout star of the night,

and we wanna incorporate you

into the big, physically demanding
song and dance number.

Do you wanna do it,
or is there some reason you can't?

[wails]

[strained laugh]

What's a good Mom story I could tell?

[inhales deeply]

[Marcia] Summer camp? I don't think so.

You'll be spending the summer with Mother

at the Arianna Huffington
Empowerment Retreat

for the Unapologetically Annoying.

Good news, Lincoln!

He put up a fight,

but I got the dean of your college
to let me be your RA!

Lincoln, guess what?

The doctor gave me pills
that'll make sure you never get pubes.

What? Mom only implied
that she didn't want me to have pubes.

-[burst of eerie music]
-[shrieks]

[in unison] What's up, a*s-face?

Guess who dropped six figures
at Chingles Hologram Supply

to make your mom say anything I want?

This Godzilla-dicked humpmaster.

You think a little speech
is gonna do anything?

Tonight is mine.

Steve, this is weird, even for you.
You have a wife and kids and stuff,

and I think I'm realizing
that you can't really make that thing

say anything worse
than what I'm already dealing with.

Oh yeah? What about this?

Lincoln, I just want you to know,
I'm proud of you, no matter what.

Wait, that's it! I'll just lie.

Thanks, Steve.

Oh, uh… [chuckles]

What a nerd. Right, Pringus and Bench?

Uh, yeah. Whatever, man.

Good luck with the hologram or whatever.

You embarrassed me!

[announcer] Hey, everyone,
guess who didn't wash their hands!

Welcome back to the GG Awards!

Now, for a special treat,
we've got a musical tribute

to, you're not gonna believe this,
lawyers!

-[upbeat jazz music playing]
-[applause]

And the award
for best surprise witness…

For the best supporting bartender…

And the award
for best objection goes to…

[George] Samson the Gorilla!

[Lunchmeat] Mr. O'Raviolio!

-[George] Kyle and Skyle Munt!
-[audience gasp]

[audience] Ah!

And then Mom said,
"Lincoln, of course I'll give you a hug."

"I'm not embarrassed to do that
in front of the mailman."

No, that's too outlandish.

So, where do you think Sheila's been
this whole time?

-There she is.
-[Sheila screaming]

[continues screaming]

And now it is finally time
for the in memoriam reel,

followed, of course,

by Steve Nichols's five-star,
three-ring salute to Marcia Gumb.

And I'm told we're also gonna get a speech

from Marcia's butler, Clinton Jellybean?

-[poignant music playing]
-[gentle applause]

♪ It's the opposite ♪

♪ Overture ♪

♪ What goes up must come down… ♪

All right, it's funny,
it's sweet, it's sad.

It's complete horseshit. This'll work.

Jesus, this is horrific.

Yeah, a lot of people seem
to die around us. [chuckles]

♪ They're two different things… ♪

-Are you okay? You look a bit off.
-I'm great.

I have a speech
that's a real tribute to my mom.

Good! Then you can work for me
and stop associating

with these disgusting clients
and inane colleagues

like your mom always wanted.

My colleagues aren't inane.

[burst of fairground music]

Plus, I thought you said
Mom would be proud of what I'm doing.

What you're doing. Winning!

She'd be ashamed
of who you're doing it with.

-♪ It's the opposite overture… ♪
-Uh, thank you.

Mother's still ashamed of me.

The devil still won't marry her.

Lincoln! It is your friend, Sheila!

Your p*ssy is broken!

[yells] What?!

[announcer] Please do not yell about p*ssy
during the "in memoriam."

[PA chimes]

Lincoln, everyone in this life
has a broken p*ssy.

Some people's broken p*ssy
is their fear of failure.

For some, it's addiction.

Some people's broken p*ssy
is even a literal broken p*ssy.

Not me, though.

Your broken p*ssy is your mom.

We had a great year! We won an award!

Irene is datin' a puppet boy!

And you haven't been able to enjoy
any of it because you're too busy

trying to hide
your broken, shattered, swollen p*ssy,

which, again,
only you are doing and not me.

[applause]

Wow! A lot of people died this year.

And now, to say a few words
about his mom, Lincoln Gumb.

-[poignant music playing]
-[applause]

My p*ssy hurts. Wait, I mean…

Everything I am today,
I owe to my mom, Marcia Gumb.

[audience] Aw!

And I'm a wreck.

[audience] Huh?

My whole life,
I've been trying to make the case

that she was a good mom.

-She wasn't.
-[pensive music playing]

But she was the best lawyer
this town's ever seen.

She even made
Steve Nichols' evil a*s successful.

But she didn't take care of me.

You know who does?
My weird niece, Irene,

who's as strong as an ox
and smart as two pigs.

My associate, Glem Blorchman… Over there.

-[whistles]
-Dressed like a British policeman.

He's been hiding all night,
wearing costumes,

I assume because he didn't want
to embarrass me in front of you,

my mom's peers.

But he doesn't embarrass me. He rules.

And most of all, my intern, Kevin,

who I forgot to invite to this.

-But also, Sheila Dr. Duncanstein-Flambé.
-[cheering]

In conclusion,
I'm done putting my mom on a pedestal.

But all of you should.

She'd sacrifice anything
for the legal profession.

I'm the proof.

So shove your GGs up your a*s.
We're leaving.

-[inspiring music playing]
-[scattered applause]

I hate my mom! And my kids.

I sent my son to a boarding school

because I couldn't remember his name
and I didn't wanna ask.

[in unison] We have not
had sex with each other.

And I have to confess,
I'm in love with you, Irene Gumb.

This cad Gordo doesn't appreciate you.
Leave him and be with me!

[gasps] Oh, Patrick, I will!

-Mmm!
-[cheering]

Oh yeah, here's Steve Nichols
and his stupid hologram or whatever.

♪ Sometimes the law can get you down ♪

♪ Can make you weep, can make you frown ♪

-♪ But where to turn in dark of night… ♪
-[audience members] Boo!

♪ To help you with your legal plight ♪

[both] ♪ Nichols and Gumb… ♪

-[loud booing]
-♪ Are two things in your pocket ♪

[booing continues]

Come on, guys. Let's get some
frosty chocolate milkshakes.

All right, now that that's over,

the award for Firm of the Year goes to…

[drumroll]

…Gumb and Flambé!

[upbeat music playing]

Go ahead. I don't need it anymore.

Congratulations, Sheila,

and now, enjoy your ceremonial victory lap

on the mechanical bull!

-[Sheila] Wha… [yelps]
-[upbeat music playing]

-♪ Watch Bull! Watch Bull! ♪
-[wailing] I'm the greatest!

[wistful music playing]

You know, Lincoln,
you taught me somethin'.

You can run your whole life, but...

[man] Well, well, well.

If it ain't Glem Blorchman,

or should I say Glen Blakeman?

Wow, you did a bad job changing your name
in two different ways.

Glen Blakeman was the fake one.

Enough! I know you're carrying, Glen.

Let's do this. Cold clams.

Glem, you don't have to!

I do, Irene.

Like your uncle said,
some wrongs gotta be righted.

-[tense music playing]
-[birds screeching]

[man groans]

You win, Glem.

[gasping Tell my son
to use offer code dad50

for a bonus bet on…

[gasping]

…dog houses ports book.com.

You stupid son of a b*tch.

I wasn't scared of duelin' because of you.

I just didn't want
to have to wake back up the k*ller in me.

["The Old Man's Back Again"
by Scott Walker playing]

[gasps] Patrick, no!

-♪ I've seen a hand… ♪
-We did it, y'all!

[groans]

-♪ I've seen a vision… ♪
-Honestly, whatever at this point.

-[coughing and croaking]
-♪ It was reaching through the clouds ♪

♪ To risk a dream… ♪

He's dead.

-Good night, sweet Patrick.
-♪ A shadow crossed the sky… ♪

All right, Gordo, we're through.

-♪ And it crashed into the ground… ♪
-Holy sh*t! Glem, you k*lled the bandit!

-♪ Just like a beast… ♪
-I was the bandit.

♪ The old man's back again… ♪

[announcer] Up next, the television event
you've been waiting for.

After ten epic years of crushing lawsuits,

rocking designer suits,
and peeping ladies in birthday suits,

the lawyer princes of Carson City,
Pringus and Bench,

are riding off into the sunset.

But not before one last wild romp.

Don't go anywhere, losers.

It's the series finale
of Pringus & Bench.

♪ Teardrops burned her cheeks ♪

♪ For she'd thought she'd heard ♪

♪ The shadow had left this land ♪

♪ The old man's back again ♪

♪ The old man's back again ♪

♪ The crowds just gathered ♪

♪ Their faces turned away ♪

Chirp.