01x10 - Finale: A Show About Lawyers

[bunniefuu]

[country rock music playing]

[man] All right,
Winthrop and Associates, settle down.

We've much to discuss in this,
my last week before retirement.

Where are Pringus and Bench?

I don't know. Where are they, Melissa?

You're their wife.

I'm their fiancée.
I mean, I'm Bench's fiancée.

-I'm only marrying one of them, thank God.
-[door opens]

[Pringus] God wouldn't
keep us apart, Melissa.

-But I bet you'd be yellin' his name.
-[burst of rock music]

-My home dogs!
-Sorry we're late, everyone.

Happy hour turned into happy 12 hours.

And pukey next morning.

-[laughter]
-Disgusting.

Disgusting? Are we talking
about Chase's botched circumcision?

-[all laughing] Ooh!
-Points!

♪ You're swimming with the sharks
Seizing up big cheese ♪

♪ But when it's big boy time
Can you play the right keys? ♪

♪ Now you're in the big leagues
Bumping with the big boys ♪

-♪ Bumping with the big boys ♪
-♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Runnin' with the big dogs
Buyin' all the big toys ♪

I can't believe I'm about
to marry my former paralegal

slash best friend's ex
slash the love of my life

and move to DC
to start my lifetime appointment

on the Supreme Court.

While I open Malibu's first
beach side law office

slash dueling guitar bar

-slash Slash will make an appearance.
-[burst of rock music]

Wow, there wasn't already one of those?
Slash you're stupid.

Ignoring you, but not before

we finally beat our rival attorneys
Grizzolini and Fjords

in the big case
against Omni Incorporated.

Yes, well, about that.
I've got some bad news.

The judge found a conflict of interest.

Apparently, Omni is secretly owned
by Pringus's evil ex-stepdad.

-You're off the case.
-But I resolved that trauma two years ago.

So, no epic last case, I guess?

Oh, worry not, Bengus,
my one-word nickname for you two.

You'll be defending a friend of mine,
the inventor of Toilet… 2.

They've been market testing it
in Las Vegas,

and something about the revolutionary
new bowel-evacuation technology

seems to be putting people into comas.

Ha ha! You're going out on the toilet!

-Uh, like Elvis?
-♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

A class-action suit is being brought
by some billboard knuckleheads

out of Sin City.

Um, Gumb and Flambé.

One of them is a magician.

They practice law on the Strip. [spits]

Ugh, what could be dumber
than a magician in a law office?

Here are those documents and vintage
Playboys you wanted, my home dogs.

Oh, thanks, Filer.

Okay, so instead of defeating
our rival firm

in a deeply personal final case,

we're defending a morally suspect
toilet company against… them.

-[all sigh]
-Oh, oh, no, no, no, it'll be sick.

I mean, after years
of hitting no-look jumpers,

Pringus and Bench are gonna end
on a slam dunk.

-Ow!
-Ooh!

Looks like someone's
not gettin' laid tonight.

[both, in unison] It's Chase.

-[all laugh]
-It is always Chase.

The only thing
this indoor skydiving studio is guilty of

is showing its customers
the magic of flight.

[all] Ooh!

-Uh… uh-oh!
-Sheila.

-How many doves did you use?
-[screaming]

I don't know!

[coos]

I know a best man isn't supposed
to say this, but I'm speechless.

Didn't we meet these bozos
at the lawyer awards?

Who can remember slash care?

You know, this magic crap might fly
in little old Vegas,

but this is Carson City,

and we're real
Ver-sayce suit-wearin' law dogs.

We're gonna be wiping 'em off the soles
of our Ver-sayce loaf-ewers. Give it up!

[burst of rock music]

All right, we'd better get to work.

Yeah, this case
is gonna require a lot of research.

[in unison] But first, 'Gronies!

[rock music playing]

Pringus, Bench, would you like to review
the Toilet 2 documents I compiled for you?

[chuckles] Uh, after we get back,
okay, buddy?

Yeah. Hey, while we're gone,
try not to get the photocopier pregnant.

-[laughter]
-Ha ha ha ha ha.

Good one, guys. I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, we're gonna miss you too, Filer.

Yeah, don't get so lonely
you have oral sex

with the friggin' water cooler.

-[laughter]
-Ha ha ha ha. Got me again.

Here art thy 'Gronies, my lieges.

Oh, Piper, you've been like a bartender,

therapist, and occasional sex partner
rolled into one.

This place sure won't
be the same without us.

If you mean it'll smell
less like Elon Musk's failed cologne,

then yeah.

Nice.

Lot of memories,
like the year you dated Lucy Liu.

Or when that one-armed frat boy
claimed to be your son.

Or when you promised your fiancée
you'd cut down the guest list over lunch

and then went to the bar?

[sighs] Why did I even bother
checking your office first?

Melissa Coldcherry,

if you were lookin' for me,
you shoulda just checked your bedroom.

Nice.

Don't you mean our bedroom?

Or is it my bedroom
'cause that's where I friggin' own you?

-[chuckles]
-Nice!

Maybe I'm so turned on
by your ice-queen act

I can't think straight.

Nice!

Hmm. Having trouble with straightness?

-Aw, maybe I'm marrying the wrong lawyer.
-Nice!

Speaking of straight...

-Let me guess, you've got an erection.
-Nice!

-Guilty!
-Nice!

Guilty? What am I, one of your clients?

Nice!

Funny, I thought you were opposing counsel
because I'm about to friggin' rail you.

Okay, you two need to get back to work,

but first, Bench,
you'd better make out with me

before I make Pringus watch me
shove that 'Groni up your bro hole.

-[cheering]
-Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice!

Thanks for the 'Gronies, but we gotta go.

Not without one last song!

[applause and whistling]

-[Piper] Whoo! Yeah!
-Nice.

I love men! Yeah! Whoo!

[upbeat, funky music playing]

Let's give 'em
the old Carson City welcome.

Hey there. Pringus and Bench.

Just a heads-up, we've never lost a case,
so there's no shame in giving up now.

Yeah, no shame, except your outfits.

Well, just a heads-up for you,
Buster Brown, we're amazing.

I'm even over Mommy's death.

I've totally processed the death
of my boyfriend's puppet.

My name's Glem.
I command an army of crows.

And my p*ssy is less broken than ever.

Sailor.

I can't believe
this is my last opening arguments

with my beloved Pringus and Bench.

[chuckles] Take it away, home dogs.

Ladies and gentlemen,
why do people go to Las Vegas?

Why, to gamble, of course.

But also, spectacle.

And Toilet 2 is a high-tech marvel
of bowel-evacuation technology.

It is a spectacle.

And yeah, it has a small chance

of possibly putting some people
into a coma,

making it a bit of a gamble.

A small chance at a long nap?

I wish all Vegas odds were that good.

[laughter]

They shouldn't call it Toilet 2.
They should call it the Jackpot!

[laughter]

[Irene laughs]

You're up, Jon Arbuckle.

My name is Lincoln.

Back in little old Vegas,
we have a few traditions, including magic.

-Sheila?
-Okay!

I'm gonna need some personal items
from the audience.

Watches, key chains, wallets.
Don't worry, it'll be fun!

Uh, objection, Your Honor, for…

Robbin' the freaking jury?

This better be going somewhere.

Oh, it's goin' somewhere, all right.

[jurors gasping]

-[flushing]
-Ta-da! I made your stuff disappear.

See how bad it feels when you lose
an important part of yourself to a toilet?

But unlike the heartless creators
of Toilet 2, we're not criminals,

which is why
we'll give you everything back.

-[snaps fingers]
-[jurors gasp]

All we ask is that Toilet 2

also be made to pay back
what it took from our clients.

-Everything.
-[jury] Ooh!

Wait a sec.
Everything's soaked with toilet water.

-My watch is ruined!
-My phone is dead.

[woman] Was there pee in there?

I am incredibly pissed off.

-[alarm ringing]
-[all groaning]

-[both, in unison] Uh, party foul!
-[burst of rock music]

[all laughing]

Well, that is something.

Stop laughing, Gumb and Flambé.
This is not for you.

[rock music playing]

You know, this last ride
might be more fun than I thought.

Uh, ya think? Something tells me
Pringus and Bench are goin' out on to...

[screams]

What the hell, kid?

Wait, you're that Vegas girl.
The one from the courtroom today.

Irene. Irene Gumb.

What are you doing here?

Ugh, I don't know!
Where I work is so weird and gross.

You guys are, like, fun and light.

I wanna be the kind of person
who fits in here. Can I have a job?

And you think you've got what it takes
to bump with the big boys?

Uh, hold up.

Could be good to have an inside man.

You want our inside man
to be an inside girl?

Pfft! Sounds like this dude is scared
to be inside a girl. [laughs]

Damn! Solid quip, Vegas.

Okay, someone has to keep things cool
around here after we're gone.

-You're hired.
-Yes!

[creaking]

Huh.

-Mmm, you look happy. What are you up to?
-Oh, nothing.

Maybe I'm just excited
for your fiancé's bachelor party.

You know something. I'm onto you.

But she'll never be on you.

Speaking of scoring,
we're crushing our case.

Let's just say the opposition's
a few ice cubes short of a 'Groni.

[laughs loudly]

Sorry. Sorry. Uh, ignore me.

Okay. I was gonna say,
they're missing more than the ice.

They're missing the whole damn glass.

[Irene laughs] Oh, sorry.

Does everyone else
see that muscular vampire?

Yes, Lazarus. She's Irene, the new intern.

Anyway, we're not worried.

We have a problem.
The Toilet 2 patients are waking up.

-Uh, isn't that a good thing?
-Well…

Wait, what actually happened
to these people?

It seems their minds were wiped clean
of all memory.

Ha! Been there.

[groups laughs]

Very funny, Bench.
She was a gifted brain surgeon, actually.

You know,
the victim you just made light of.

Okay, that's not great,
but we've tried harder cases.

Remember Grenadine Hills?

Yes, we falsified evidence to win.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We massaged the evidence.

Don't worry.
I know where his factory-reset button is.

But you still can't find mine.

[laughter]

[coughs] Oh my God!

Ahem.

Filer, how do you do it?

Simple.

First, you put your right hand in,
then you…

I'm sorry, you activated
my Hokey Pokey mode.

See! That's so lighthearted!
Ugh! How do you all fit together so well?

Our eccentricities fill each other's gaps.
That's what a found family is.

I get it. God, this place makes me
feel like maybe everything will be okay?

Lie detector passed. You are not a spy.
You do love Pringus and Bench.

Oh, I really do.

Hey! Remember that thing
Pringus did where he, like…

f*ck! Oh, uh… I mean, damn. Sorry!

I… I get nervous and clumsy, uh…
when I think about how great it is here.

I assure you, that is a normal reaction
to Pringus and Bench.

[rock music playing]

Doctor, is it uncommon
to experience memory loss in Las Vegas?

Well, when you put it that way, I…

[chuckles] I guess not.

Yeah, I can attest to that.
Woke up married to this guy once.

[laughter]

That's a night I'm glad I don't remember.

[laughter]

No more questions.

Doctor, when you approved this toilet,

did you know it was
more dangerous than a… a…

A freaking…

-Help me, Sheila!
-Um…

Hitler masturbating…
Dressed like a sexy cow…

Uh… Abracadazzle!

-[fanfare plays]
-What?

Uh… we… we also had sex!

And we both came, thrice.

[all groan] Ugh!

Oh, you all loved it
when they joked about it.

-[man] Boo!
-Gumb. Flambé. Shame on you.

[murmuring]

Smooth move, Vegas.

And for the record,

my hair is more ash blond
with honey highlights.

Well, normally, my niece helps
with the costumes, but…

You stole her!

Okay! Truce.

We don't let bad vibes linger.

We like to do this thing
whenever we go up against a new law firm

where we go get a drink, we talk shop.

We call it "'Gronies with the competish."

Why don't you guys come
to my bachelor party?

And this isn't some kind of ploy
to get us drunk

and groom us like a dog in a big sink
and take pictures?

No.

Then we'll be there.

-Glem!
-[Glem grunts]

I dozed off there for a second. [chuckles]

Well, that's Carson City heroin for ya.

-What did you just do?
-How are you so strong?

Stay away from those people!

She's got those Free Solo fingers.

-You're not listening!
-[tense music playing]

They're gonna try to groom you
like a dog in a big sink

and take pictures or something.

Let me protect you.

It's okay if you go somewhere raunchy.
I'll wear my underage blindfold.

Not that I can't handle eroticism.

I watched the X-rated
Hot Dates movie twice

because I think
I'm in love with Rebonka. [giggles]

I haven't heard
of any of those horrible-sounding things!

We'll be fine, kid.
We're Pringus and Bench.

[moody rock music playing]

-[music fades]
-Ah, crap ba*ls.

Excellent office-appropriate swearing,
Irene.

Thanks, but I'm worried, Filer.

Me and my uncle
don't belong in your world.

I can feel myself ruining things.

[gasps] Like earlier today.

-Oh! Whoops! Didn't mean to interrupt.
-You didn't.

Uh, it's just that you guys have such
a great love-hate office romance going.

You must be dying to kiss each other!

Oh! Or… or start fighting. [giggles]

I love that you guys just fight
all the time. [chuckles]

Like, it just makes sense, you know?

Why wouldn't your soulmate be the person

that takes you down a peg
at work and at home forever?

[sighs] Am I contagious?

Have I brought cigarettes
into the Garden of Eden?

Irene, let me tell you something.

The fact that you love Pringus and Bench
means you do belong here.

[laughs] Oh! Filer, can I hug you?

Permission to hug granted.

[gasps]

[yelps]

Ah! My first day of retirement.

You know, Chase,
I may have been hard on you, but…

[Chase screams]

[groans] Ah…

[car alarm blaring]

[gasps] Oh no! Oh God!

-[gentle music playing]
-It's okay. it was an accident.

Just break the cycle.
Tell us the truth. We'll forgive you.

It'll be a nice, happy ending.

No! Do something stupid and ugly
to cover your own a*s.

-Lie! Lie to everyone!
-[sinister music plays]

Cowboys are opposite of Sith Lords.

-[Irene wailing]
-[tense music playing]

-Filer k*lled himself!
-[both gasp]

He jumped out the window
and landed on Mr. Winthrop.

I found his note.

He couldn't take
your cruel robot jokes anymore.

-It's… his handwriting.
-[colleagues sobbing]

Maybe this is just a, uh… a
traditional English pre-wedding prank.

Very funny, Lazarus! [laughs]

-[organ playing funereal theme]
-[mourners crying]

We lost two great men this week.

Lazarus was a titan.

And Filer was a…

[sobbing]

A beautiful soul and… Bench!

-I wanna go with him!
-[mourners gasps]

No! Bad! We're Pringus and g*dd*mn Bench!

We don't lose!

Look, you're gonna get married,

we're gonna win
this stupid g*dd*mn toilet case,

and everything will turn out
how it is supposed to!

And I'll see all you assholes
at the g*dd*mn 'Groni Zone tonight.

-And we will have normal fun!
-[baby crying]

So help me God!

I can fix this. I must fix this.

[gentle music playing]

We should fire that creepy intern.

Well, Chase, you know, inherited the firm,
so she's his problem now, right?

[all giggling]

You're right. I forgot. We're leaving.

Yeah, for better things.

Now, what do you say we let loose
and show these people a good time, huh?

To Pringus and Bench.

[chuckling] Folks, it's been a…
rough week,

but if tonight is gonna be epic, I...

-[door bursts open]
-[Glem] Hot crinkly clams!

This place smells
like a rich lady's ponytail!

-[thunder crashes]
-[eerie organ music plays]

-Ah!
-Hot clams!

Oh, thank God, it was just a dream, but…

Why am I so hungover?

-How many 'Gronies did I...
-[Lincoln] My friend's a doctor.

She told me if you drink it
in this position, you'll get way drunker.

Teenagers discovered it.

It's why you see less and less of them
these days.

[groans]

Bench, wh… what happened last night?

Did we make it to the axe-throwing place?

[Glem] Welcome to paradise!

Can you believe this place
is completely owned and run

by active fugitives?

I don't know.

Seriously, Pringus, what did we do?
Are we bad people?

Uh… we'll figure it out after the wedding.

[jaunty music playing]

Oh God! The wedding! We're late!

Bench, we gotta go now!
Oh my God, where are the tuxes?

♪ One, two, three, four
Five, six, seven… ♪

Hungover and late to my own wedding.

You know, this actually feels
like classic us for the first time in...

[Bench] I've never seen this part
of my body without a mirror.

[Sheila] Well, welcome to the party, pal!

Oh God! Did I cheat on Melissa?

Bench! Our priorities need to be wedding,

then case,
then reckoning with our horrible truths.

-M'kay?
-You're right! You're right! Let's go!

[man] First time you k*ll a man,

you're killin' the you
that never did that.

After, you're just rearrangin'
who's above and who's below.

Take it from me, Sweet Tomas.

Pringus, who is Sweet Tomas?

Do not say his name!

[romantic music playing]

-[door bursts open]
-[all gasp]

[laughter]

[celebrant clears throat]

Pringies and Benchelmen,
we gather here today…

Any later for this wedding, Benchie boy,
and this would've become your funeral.

My entire universe
is spiraling away from me,

and you're the one piece of wreckage
I can cling to.

We… love each other, right?

Oh, thank God!

Ever since we talked to that weird intern,
I have been spiraling.

-Let's call it off!
-[all] Aw!

Well, hold on, maybe we could...

No, this is right.

And I learned something else
about myself last night.

[Sheila] Ooh, Melissa!

Dirty rodents don't belong
in nice office buildings.

What's an exterminator to do?

Like all workaholic lawyers,
I crave kinky, exterminator-themed sex.

[Lincoln] Yeah, baby!

But, Bench, this is good. We're free!
We have the rest of our lives ahead of us.

-You can go to DC, and I...
-[thudding footsteps]

[cackles] I fixed everything!

I've brought Filer back.

-I do belong with all of you, see?
-[screaming]

Demon!

[yelps]

No!

Crap ba*ls.

[chuckling] Crazy week, huh?

The only reason we're here is that
Pringus and Bench don't lose cases.

Otherwise, I'd grab the bailiff's g*n
and k*ll you, then myself.

He probably wouldn't mind.

In Vegas,
I sh**t g*ns in court all the time.

Uh, I tried to be normal and likable,
and people died.

Normal's just a street
in Los Angeles, kid.

And guess what I found when I went there?

This weird human tooth.

And it belongs here, with us, like you.

-Oh! It's good to be back.
-Mmm.

We'll hear closing arguments now.

You know what?

Toilet 2 is dangerous,

and it puts people in comas
and erases their minds.

Testing it on humans would be cruel,

but I submit, these Vegas people,
they aren't human.

They don't react normally
to, like, the most basic things.

It's like they don't have souls.

Oh, do go on.

It's against their nature to let something
just be sweet and fun and airy.

They have to make it dark
and strange and crass.

So let's put their broken minds
where they belong, in the toilet.

Bengus rests.

That… that's it?

All right… Next.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I admit that I was having trouble
thinking of how to close this case,

but then,
someone gave me an incredible idea.

[pensive music playing]

[all gasp]

-Six chambers, one b*llet.
-[screaming]

Not good odds, wouldn't you say? [giggles]

Mr. Gumb, what are you doing?

Shut up!
This is a full-circle thing for us.

More than 20% of all Toilet 2 users
get their brains turned into potato salad.

Worse odds than Russian roulette.

If you're okay with Toilet 2,

then you're okay
with watching me pull the trigger.

[giggles] Shall I?

-[click]
-[laughs]

Oh my God! Stop it. I hate this.

-[click]
-The g*n is metaphor for toilet.

We know!

But it's more than that. It's a metaphor
for the risk of not being yourself.

We came to your big-city court

and tried to change who we were
to be like Pringus and Bench.

But we're not, and that's okay.

I'll never let some popular big shots
take away who I am.

And you shouldn't let
some fancy toilet take away who Vegas is.

Because freaks need stuff to enjoy too.

I rest my rootin'-tootin' case.

Oh, whoops.

That is enough, Mr. Gumb.

Pringus and Bench are incredibly
highly rated members of this community,

which makes what you just said

even more awesome!

-Strip law win!
-[cheering]

[chanting] Strip law!
Strip law! Strip law!

Strip law! Strip law! Strip…

You know, Malibu, 'Gronies,

the law, Ver-sayce.

I don't care about any of it anymore.

[poignant music playing]

Let's start over.

Start fresh.

What do you say?

One more trip around the bend?

Okay, but this time, you be Bench.

[suspenseful music playing]

Ready?

Ready.

[bleep]

[whirring]

[rumbling]

[music and rumbling intensifying]

[music fades]

[toilet chimes]

[toilet] Avez-vous terminé
votre experience toilette?

Avez-vous terminé…

-We did it!
-Woo-hoo!

-Thanks to the power of friendship.
-Bring it in.

[all] Mmm!

Glem, are you okay?

I don't feel so good.

I… I feel like… [coughing]

[groans]

[Lincoln] Oh my God.

This win must have given him
enough experience.

He's… evolving!

Glem evolved into Glemissimo!

Glem… issimo!

Glemissimo!

-Glemissimo!
-Let's go!

-So I guess Glem is just like this now?
-[Irene] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

-Glemissimo.
-[Irene] Whoa!

Yep!

[theme music playing]

Chirp.